Are you really friends with all of these celebrities?
Yes, yes we are. Ben made his start in the business in a Rolf Harris Christmas Special in 1993 while Annelie enjoyed success as a stand-in/body double for the Olsen twins in the early years of Full House due to them all sharing a birthday. Following this our careers exploded and so too did our social circles.

We also mastered time travel (in your face, MJ Fox) and therefore knew people like Stockard Channing in the 40s (she was 50, Roger was right).

But seriously, are you?
Yes. What are you trying to say? We feel there is an insinuation and we don’t like that.

Are celebrities aware of these friendships, or should I warn them?
You could warn them, but you’ll probably come across as completely crazy.

Ok then, is Ben real?
Yes. Remember he was a Z-list Internet celebrity and future best friend of Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. We will be girlfriends.

What about Annelie?
Yes, potentially, maybe. Chances are yes, unless someone is Catfish-ing us both. This is becoming too existential, can we change the line of questioning?

Kim doesn’t exist though, right?
Fuck we hope so, otherwise we stole all of our graphics off somebody.

Ok then, you are all real and are actually friends with celebrities. How often do you catch-up with them?
As we are both anti-social, we try to limit our social occasions to one a week. That and Ben is concerned that some has beens (not naming names but Corn Bastin and Malijah Sood, you know what you did) are trying to use our comeback as a launching pad for their own fame resurgence.

Annelie, why is your hair so damn luscious and pretty?
I spent a large portion of my youth (0-3 years) impersonating a neo-nazi from American History X (read: I was bald). I was also occasionally compared to Baby Sinclair. Eventually, my hair rebelled (yay hair) and turned into the bloody stunning spectacle it is today. Washing it in an emulsion of caviar, champagne and truffle oil definitely helps keep it this way.

Ben, why does your hair look like a sheep with a bad dye job?
Thank you for noticing! I actually request that the hairdresser cut and perm my hair to look like the love child of Lamb Chop, Shari Lewis and an extra from the movie Black Sheep.

What are your spirit animals?
Ben’s is Boots from Dora the Explorer as he likes red shoes, not wearing pants and is generally happy but will flip out at the drop of a hat like monkeys do. And monkeys probably hate birds and so does Ben.

Annelie’s is clearly Baby Sinclair. In addition to the uncanny physical resemblance (see above), Baby is resentful, bratty and is known to smack irritating people over the head with frying pans.

Can we steal your recipes?
Yes, yes you can. Better yet make them, fall in love with them and tell people how fantastic we are for personalising delicious treats for our celebrity friends.

Better yet, tell some publishers about us!

You are both reality TV junkies – so why haven’t you been in any shows?
Ben was initially cast in third season of the Australian Biggest Loser, however was dropped at the last minute after a bout of ‘gastro’ (he started the diet pills he was going to use to cheat a week too early, idiot) made him lose five kilos.

Conversely, Annelie was considered a ‘lost cause’ by the show’s producers once she started flinging peanut butter (in a poo type manner) in defence of her precious mint slice stash, for which she was willing to die defending.

While they would excel in a pair based reality/game show, they were dumped from the Blue Barracudas on The Legends of the Hidden Temple for abusing the host for looking like ‘a poor man’s version of Jeff Probst’ (remember, we invent/ed time travel) and were too physically aggressive with each other to make the final stages of casting for the Amazing Race (RIP team ‘Old-School Footy Pals’).

Gladiator was possibly their best chance yet. All was looking good for team Fame Hungry until Annelie decided to do a macho chest bump with Vulcan’s insane pectoral real estate, resulting in severe concussion.

Both would desperately like to compete on Survivor, however would likely be disqualified for trying to sleep with Jeff ‘Ultimate Dreamboat, Sex-Pot, Foxy-Minx, Sweet-Buns’ Probst (we need to be on it, or on him), or for burning down the shelter and destroying the food the instant that something doesn’t go our way.

Tell me more about Nigella, the celebrity dog.
A) Not a question, but I will overlook your slight, fool.

Nigella Martha Rodham Hailes (biological daughter of Catherine Hicks and father unknown but suspected to be Lassie, Comet or Beethoven) is an Academy Award winning Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, with a passion for the finest quality lamb and gnawing on rope toys. Nigella has had many starring roles in television classics including Battletoads, the JonBenet Ramsey tele-movie and as Miranda’s body double in the hit comedy series Sex and the City. Recently, Nigella tried her paw looking for love as a contestant vying for Juan Pablo’s affections on season 18 of The Bachelor.  She is looking forward to her upcoming role as a guest judge on Toddlers and Tiaras and will be juggling this role with her official duties as campaign manager for Hillary 2016.

Who would win in a Dynasty cat-fight between Ben and Annelie?
Ben – I would, obviously. I am bitchier, scrappier and generally drunker; the three key ingredients in taking down an opponent in a ball-gown over lunch. It will be a close fight, sure, but I will win. Oh, I almost threw my first martini at my first birthday (talk about milestones); game on!

Annelie – Sure Ben is scrappy, but I’m built to win this! I have at least 10cm of extra height and obscenely long gorilla-like arms. I could see myself being very successful with a Lisa Simpson-esque washing machine arms attack. I can also do this but hold my own hands. Bitch is going down!

B – This is what I do to washing machines, but more aggressive. Sure, I am built like an overweight Tyrion Lannister but I was the youngest of four. I can take down an opponent that is taller than me. Kind of like the barrels in the arcade game version of Donkey Kong.

A – Do not underestimate the power of the monkey arms.

B – Do not underestimate the power of the monkey spirit, you bitch.

A – You bitch!

B – You bitch!

A – You bitch!

B – You bitch!

A – You bitch!

B – You bitch!

A – You bitch!

How did that deteriorate so quickly?
What are you trying to say? Serious, question time is over. Goodbye.

 

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