Meat Louvers McClintock Pizza

Baking, Main, Pizza, Survivor NZ: Nicaragua, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor New Zealand – which was a mere minute ago – Mogoton finally ended their losing streak, snatching a critical victory

Hermosa returned to camp and quickly spilled all the beans on Tony’s outburst at Shay, making the tribe question her trustworthiness which could prove her undoing come a merge. Shannon continued to prove that she is the smartest person in the game, thankful that Tony was gone as it is one less potential ally for Nate and Barb.

Back at Mogoton, Shay, Tom and Avi returned from the duel to discover that Lou was feeling sick and could barely stay conscious or move. By the time we find out she is having cold sweats, it became pretty obvious why the episode didn’t end with Izzy’s victory in the duel.

After a brief interlude with Shannon and Georgia sunbaking and discussing their dwindling supply of food and their potential hunger-induced losing streak, we returned to Mogoton where Matt and the medics finally arrived to confirm that the treatment for Lou’s septic foot wasn’t working.

Given that the doctor had zero idea about what was wrong with her, she was evacuated from the game leaving Mogoton to feel like they will never catch a break in the game … oh, and uncertain whether she would return.

Over at Hermosa, Shannon and Jak were down by the water discussing the massive divide between the five young kids and the two olds. Oh and the fact that they are running out of rice and don’t have fishing gear means they’re pretty fucked. Digging her hole even further, Barb popped on a pot of rice and then proceeded to forget about it and burn the minimal rice they had left.

Self-proclaimed comedian Jak then tried to lighten the mood or genuinely attempt humour by pretending to catch a pelican. I assume you’d have to be there?

Back at Mogoton, the tribe were extremely worried about how Lou was going … and then Avi decided to join my spank bank, doing yoga on the beach IN BRIEFS.

Give me a couple of minutes, ok?

Barb and Nate discovered a cheeky treemail at Hermosa, pondering whether now was the time for their tribe mates to throw the challenge and send them home. Which wouldn’t bother Barb as she’d rather go home now than make the jury and have to give one of them the win.

Matt assembled the tribes for the immunity challenge where Hermosa discovered that Lou was removed to be assessed by medical last night before announcing that she was too sick to continue and is officially out of the game.

He then told everyone to drop their buffs – I was sure he was going to say pants – and get ready for a swap … but that is a story for next week’s elimination, ok?

Given that my dear friend Lou is a farmer slash country girl and I have a blatant disregard for the opinions of medical professionals, I removed Lou from the hospital and whipped her up a healing and hearty Meat Louvers McClintock Pizza.

 

 

While she was gutted to perk up within the hour of eating, just after the doctor officially pulled her from the game she was thrilled to reconnect and have me there to make everything ok.

Plus – how do you go wrong with a shit tonne of meat and cheese on dough? You just can’t!

Enjoy!

 

 

Meat Louvers McClintock Pizza
Serves: 2-4.

Ingredients
pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)
passata or tomato paste, with a combination of herbs
1 onion, finely sliced
150g mushrooms, sliced
½ cup barbecue sauce
4 Italian sausages, cooked and sliced
100g leg ham, sliced
100g pepperoni, sliced
100g chorizo, sliced
chilli flakes (shock horror), optional
mozzarella cheese, grated

Method
Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

When the dough is ready to go, roll out two bases and slather each with the herby passata. Top with onion and mushrooms, drizzle over the barbecue sauce and scatter over the meat before drowning in a thick layer of cheese. Chuck them in the oven – colloquially not literally – and bake for about fifteen minutes, or until golden and bubbly.

The devour … though making sure not to burn your mouth on the cheese, lest you too want to be medically evacuated.

 

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Michaela Bradshortcake

Baking, Dessert, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously – slash a minute ago – on Survivor, it became exceedingly more obvious that Sarah was sliding her way to victory, despite Cirie’s killer display. While everyone was against Brad for the entire episode, Andrea stuck her neck out one time too many and found herself sent to the jury.

We arrived back at camp where Aubry apologised to Brad for being the only person remaining that voted for him last tribal. She then acknowledged the elephant in the room, that if you align with her you end up voted out … or near death. She then broke down about having had such a rollercoaster day what with winning immunity and being blindsided, before winning Tai’s affection back and making Cirie wary of Tai’s social game.

Probst quickly returned for the second immunity challenge of the episode, the Darrah Johnson-Shane Powers memorial pour-water-in-the-hole-to-float-a-key-high-enough-to-retrieve-it. Don’t blame me for the title, I was experiencing PTSD by proxy for Cirie.

Michaela got out to a quick lead, followed closely by Troyzan, Aubry and Brad, who made quick work using the key to unlock their puzzle pieces. Given how confusing the puzzle was, Sarah, Tai and Cirie all caught up before Brad found a hole that he couldn’t fill. Michaela thought she had it, which she didn’t before kicking the puzzle … giving enough time for Brad to fill that hole and snatch immunity.

Brad then celebrated and / or through a tantrum, almost channelling Mr. This-Is-My-Island, Troyzan.

Back at camp the Troyzan and Tai were feeling uncomfortable, since the target was immune … despite both of them being in possession of an idol, or two if you’re Tai. Tai approached Aubry about needing to make some moves if they are going to make it to the end, both agreeing that Sarah is currently the one to beat.

Aubry then told Cirie, who went straight back to Sarah who refused to believe that Aubry was telling the truth. Wanting to solidify her loyalty, Sarah decided to give up the extra vote advantage to Cirie. Cirie, being the crafty kween that she is, debating the merits on hanging on to it, or playing it despite the fact Sarah didn’t want to, to protect Sarah from herself and Tai.

Cirie then clued Michaela in on what was happening, with both of them agreeing that Cirie needed to use Sarah’s vote steal to steal Sarah’s own vote to take out Tai … by lulling him into a false sense of security to not play an idol by saying she is doing it to save him. This is some next level inception bullshit right here and if she pulls it off, she is the first in line to Sandra’s throne in the line of procession.

Giving future players a masterclass on how to manipulate people, Cirie pulled Tai aside and played him like a fiddle. I mean, the voice quivering, the panic, the concern?! I love Cirie.

We then arrived at tribal council where Sarah spoke about the mad scrambling that occurred post challenge. Cirie and Brad agreed that everyone was lying to someone and that they need to cut through that, to which Michaela disagreed. Tai then acknowledged that he always gives people the benefit of the doubt and that it could lead to his downfall.

Troyzan sounded like he’s been hurt one too many times in the game, which after being schooled by Kim I assume he has. Michaela then brought up the ‘we’ again before we headed off to vote … but wait, Cirie pulled out the vote steal! Sadly for her, she didn’t read the fine print saying that it could not be transferred.

She was then chastised by Probst and Sarah, for outing the fact she was going to make a huge move but actually couldn’t. And as has become the tradition of Game Changers, Sarah then whispered something in Tai’s ear, before Cirie pulled Sarah aside to tell her she was trying to use it to save her, which Michaela jumped up to agree with. Troyzan then tried to eavesdrop, earning the wrath of Michaela who did not have time for his shit.

Aubry then joined the fray and things started to calm down and everyone returned to their seats … until Sarah got back up to  talk to Tai, with Cirie whispering in the other ear. Cirie then went to Michaela, while Tai went back to talking to Sarah … before the latter decided to just use the advantage, take Tai’s vote and get this over with.

Despite snatching Tai’s vote, Sarah didn’t join Aubry and Michaela in voting out Tai, instead joining Brad and Troyzan to blindside Michaela. While it wasn’t as exciting as her previous exit, the tribal build up was even more exciting and she ended with you do you, boo … which is amazing.

Make no mistake, Michaela is a total sass queen … but she was feeling a little bit salty, having been booted from Survivor twice in the space of a few months. That being said, it is hard to stay salty when you fill up on my Michaela Bradshortcake!

 

 

I know that the doll/TV show firmly pushes for the strawberry version of these delights, I have a strong aversion to the feel of them on my tongue and therefore avoid them at most costs. I mean, I’ll eat them but they are not my first through fifth choice.

Plus, how do you go wrong with apple, walnut and cinnamon? Exactly, you can’t – enjoy!

 

 

Michaela Bradshortcake
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
3-4 apples, cored and finely diced
juice of a lemon
1 tsp cinnamon
1 cup raw caster sugar
2 cups flour
1 tbsp baking powder
kosher salt
85g cold unsalted butter
1 ½ cup double cream
½ cup walnuts, toasted and roughly chopped
1 egg

Method
Combine the apples, lemon juice, cinnamon and ¼ cup raw caster sugar to combine. Cover and allow to steep for an hour or so.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the flour, remaining sugar, baking powder and a pinch of salt in a large bowl. Using your fingertips, rub the butter through the flour mixture until it resembles wet sand. Add 1 cup cream and walnuts, and stir with a fork until it just starts to come together.

Form the dough into large lime-sized balls and press to flatten on a lined baking tray, repeating the process until done.

Whisk the egg, brush each biscuit/scone and bake until golden brown, or about 20 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack and allow to cool for half an hour.

When ready to serve, whip the remaining cream in a bowl until soft peaks form. Half the biscuit and top with some apple and cream. Close the biscuit … and because I really like to load up on the toppings, add some more apple, cream and a pinch of cinnamon.

Then devour, obviously.

 

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David Croissant

Baking, Breakfast, Main, Side, Snack

As disappointing as it was to have series star – and my now current feud partner – Jason Bateman steal the announcement of Arrested Development season 5, seeing my boy Dave quickly cheered me up and helped me focus on positive things.

(Though obvi, revenge is still a possibility if I’m not cast as a missing Bluth).

I’ve known Dave for years, having met in the writers room of The Ben Stiller Show where I took him under my wing and made him my protege. Then I got fired, which resulted in me becoming ineligible for the writing Emmy that David went on to win with the rest of our co-workers in 1993. Obviously I held a grudge against all of them, but I particularly felt hurt by Dave and spent the next few years trying to bring him down.

Thankfully for my conscience, it didn’t work … and it also made Anna Faris’ job to reunite us on the set of Scary Movie 2, that little bit easier. Fun fact: helping us mend our mostly-one-sided feud inspired her to create her hit podcast Unqualified, but I digress.

With our friendship restored, I put his name forward for the small part of Tobias on that little show Arrested Development and the rest, as they say, is history.

Given that we haven’t seen each other since I caused a scene at the premiere of Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked – Jesse McCartney knows what he did – we had plenty to catch-up on.

I knew that we’d stay up all night chatting, so had pre-prepared a batch of David Croissants to help perk us up the next morning.

 

 

I have long loved croissants but the idea of making them had always terrified me. That is until I saw the hilarious – despite the insufferable children – It’s Complicated and fell in love with the scene of Mez and Steve making them.

While I in no way made the process look as glamourous as a Nora Ephron movie, these babies taste as buttery and delicious as you need. And can help you move past having your big announcement moment stolen by a dear friend.

Enjoy!

 

 

David Croissant
Serves: 6-12, hunger/greed dependent.

Ingredients
1 ½ cups milk, 41°C
¼ cup muscovado sugar
14g dry yeast
4 ½ cups plain flour
1 tbsp kosher salt
340g cold unsalted butter

Method
Ok, let’s start with the obvious part – this is a long-ass recipe and you need to start preparing it the day before. Maybe get a coffee and read through before you start it, ok?

Anywho … combine the warm milk, muscovado sugar and yeast in a large bowl of a stand mixer and allow to stand until foamy. This should take between five and ten minutes. Once foamy than a foam party – if they are/ever were a thing – add the flour and salt, and mix on low with a dough hook for about ten minutes, or until smooth, soft and only a little bit sticky. Like sticky in a good way, you know?

Shape into a 4cm thick rectangle, wrap in cling wrap and chill in the fridge for an hour or so.

Now this is where it gets time consuming and fiddly …

Place the dough between two sheets of baking paper and beat mercilessly with a rolling pin until cold yet malleable, before shaping into a 20 x 12cm rectangle. Wrap in some wet kitchen towel and chill while you work on the dough. For the first time.

On that note, unwrap the dough and roll out on a lightly floured surface until it forms a 25 x 40cm rectangle. Place the dough with the shortest end to you and place the butter across the centre. Fold the bottom third of dough up to cover the butter and the top third down over the done.

Brush off the excess flour before pressing horizontally dents along the short width of the  dough. Roll out the dough until it forms a 25 x 40cm rectangle without allowing any butter to escape.

Brush off excess flour, repeat the folding-into-thirds process to form a 20 x 12cm rectangle. Wrap in cling and chill for a further hour.

Repeat the dent, roll, tri-fold process a further three times, so it totals 4 folds. Confused? This is why I told you to grab a coffee and read it out – it is not as confusing in practice. After the final fold, wrap the dough and chill overnight for at least 8 hours.

To prepare the actual croissants – did you forget we were making those – cut the dough in half (chilling the other half until later). Roll out the non-chilling dough on a lightly floured surface until it forms a 30 x 40cm rectangle and brush off the excess flour. Arrange the shortest side of the dough to you, cut in half horizontally and chill another half. Cut the remaining half into thirds, vertically before cutting each rectangle diagonally into triangles.

Starting with the shortest side (aka the base) of the triangle – opposite the tip – and stretch the dough to double the length. Place the triangle on the bench and roll up from the base towards the tip – it should roll over itself three times. Place the shaped croissant on a lined baking sheet, tip side down and curve the ends inwards to form the crescent shape.

Repeat that process with the remaining triangles, then repeat the previous process with the other rolled rectangle, then repeat the process with the other half of chilling go. By the end, you’ll feel less confused … promise. Ish.

Lightly cover the shaped croissants with cling wrap and leave to rest for two to three hours or until puffy.

Preheat oven to 220°C.

Uncover the croissants, generously spritz the oven more than a fading southern belle in the summer. Put the croissants in the oven, spritz the oven again and close the door. Reduce the temperature to 180°C and bake for ten minutes. Switch the trays – I probs should have mentioned you will have filled two trays with croissants – and spin 180°C before baking a further ten minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Remove from the oven and devour immediately with jam, or with ham and cheese and baked a further five minutes.

 

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Haylie Duffoutis

Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Ok – so let me start by clearing up the family connection Annelie and I have with the Duffs, and by that I mean that yes it is a scam … but the Duff girls, as yet, are unaware. Ipso facto, this week’s date was all about us sisters, doing it for themselves.

Which coincidentally is the song that I convinced Hayls to record as a girl-group with our younger twin sisters Hizza and Annelie. Oh … and for some reason, Hayls thinks I’m genderfluid and it may be because that was the only way I could convince her to finally join forces on the forthcoming album Up the Duffs.

I should get on with this though, shouldn’t I?

As you know, I thought I got my now-faux-sister fired from 7th Heaven as a way to bed Simon Camden both on and off screen … but turns out, she actually stuck around until the end. And here I was thinking she had the patience of a saint! Despite the fact she didn’t forgive me for the sacking that didn’t occur, she is still the absolute sweetest and it just seems like the kind of thing she would do.

Hayls was so excited to be catching up and desperately tried to braid my inch-long hair, pillow fight and swap clothes, in an attempt to make up for the sister time we’d missed out on in childhood.

I mean, it was so adorable and delightful that I almost felt bad for continuing the scam … but then I whipped up a Haylie Duffoutis and came to my senses on a full stomach.

 

 

Like her sister, Hayls is so sweet that I can’t bring myself to cook her anything but dessert and this one takes the cake. Despite, ironically – maybe, I don’t know, ask Alanis – the fact this is not a cake … but something far, far better.

Clafoutis may not be classy – some would argue it is peasant food – but who cares about class when you have sour cherries dotted into a baked custard-esque dough/cake/batter/however you’d describe it.

In any event, enjoy!

 

 

Haylie Duffoutis
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 cup milk
4 eggs
⅔ cup raw caster sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
2 tbsp butter, melted
½ cup plain flour
2 cups pitted morello cherries, drained

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Whisk together the milk, eggs, sugar, vanilla and butter until well combined and the sugar dissolved. Add the flour and whisk until smooth.

Pour the batter into a 30cm pie dish, scatter over the cherries and bake in the oven for 30-45 minutes, or until puffed and golden.

Serve immediately with a dusting of icing sugar or some fresh cream.

And obvi, devour.

 

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Benoffee Affleck Pie

Baking, Dessert, Pie, Sweets

Even with us both currently sober – my birthday led to an arrest and court-ordered AA, what of it? – my cheeky B-squared reunion with Benny Affleck was completely off the chain!

Seriously … how is that possible? Is this old age? Is drinking not, shudder, required for a good time? Actually, don’t answer that … I’d rather not know.

Anyway … I obviously met Benny – and Matt – while attending Cambridge Rindge and Latin High School in the 80s. I, again obviously, immediately spotted their talents and quickly moulded them into the writer/director/actors that you know and love day.

Unless you’re Jimmy Kimmel / Matt Damon … but that isn’t a prob for my boy Benny.

As I mentioned, I’ve tried to keep my distance with Benny for the last year or so given the scandalo with nannies … on account of my past work as a nanny and off the charts sex-appeal.

Thankfully his reunion with Jen means that I can up my profile and celebrate his Gone Girl – and pitch Tina Fey’s Tyler Perry sequel, Girl I thought you were goneBatman vs. Superman nudity and enquire about the prospect of Justice League shower scenes.

With that, I needed something to sweeten the deal and cut through my thirst, so settled on our favourite Benoffee Affleck Pie.

 

 

Be warned, this is insanely sweet. And I mean, insanely sweet – which is great to counter thirst, FYI – but make no mistake, banoffee is always a win. Plus, the banana means it’s healthy and the cream kind of cuts through the caramel.

You can’t go past that – enjoy!

 

 

Benoffee Affleck Pie
Serves: 2 Boston boys … 8-12.

Ingredients
200g muscovado sugar
200g butter, plus 75g for the crust
2 x 400g can condensed milk
200g butternut crunch biscuits … or digestives or something of that ilk, but butternut crunch are amazing, crushed
4 bananas, sliced on the diagonal
400ml double cream, whipped until soft peaks form

Method
Start by making the toffee by combining the sugar and 200g of butter in a saucepan over medium heat and stir until combined and the sugar dissolves. Slowly stir in the condensed milk and bring to the boil, stirring continuously until the mixture thickens, gets darker and smells like caramel. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.

While that is cooling, blitz the biscuits in a food processor and melt the remaining butter. Combine, press into a pie dish and transfer to the freezer for fifteen minutes or so to kinda-sorta-semi-set.

Reserve about a quarter of a cup of caramel. Add half of the bananas to the remaining mixture, quickly stir and pour into the pie dish.

Whip the cream, and pour/layer on top of the caramel banana mixture. Arrange the remaining banana on top … and then drizzle over more caramel. Because why not?

Devour.

 

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Pedro Almoturnóvar

Baking, Dessert, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVII: Gold with the Wind, Side, Snack, Sweets

Para el segundo día de Oscar Gold, sabía que sólo podía celebrar una persona con mi querido amigo Pedro Almodóvar.

Oh – sorry, sometimes I forget I speak 1 ⅞ (combined total of four different) languages. What a smartie pants!

Anywho, for those who can’t be bothered popping that into Google Translate – like I needed to to fill in the gaps of the sentence – I knew that there was only one person I could spend the second day of Oscar Gold with, my dear friend, director, screenwriter and icon of Spanish cinema, Pedro Almodóvar.

I first met Peds while working together at Telefónica and we quickly fell in love and I began to ride his coattails to renewed fame and fortune. Oh, I should probably clarify, I had fled to Spain and pursued a career as an escort under an assumed identity … to avoid being deported from the US.

Upon first meeting I knew Peds was destined for greatness and the muse part of me knew that I needed to inspire him, resulting in the one-two punch of Law of Desire and Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. While our relationship didn’t work out, I have always maintained my muse status in his heart.

Given the success of his last movie Julieta, it has been hard to pin down Peds for a catch-up but thankfully he knew it was vital to drop by and run the odds on his previous categories – Best OG Screenplay (they officially change the award to this name in 2023) and Best Foreign Language Film.

Despite the fact that The Salesman is my preference to take out Best Foreign Language Film, Peds being polite old Peds is backing the little Australian gem Tanna. Best OG Screenplay was decidedly more complex – we both loved Hell or High Water and 20th Century Women, but know that this is firmly a two horse race for La La Land and Manchester by the Sea.

We argued back and forth for hours until agreeing that is La La Land goes on to scoop the pool as expected, this is probably going to be a lock for Kenneth Lonergan’s heartbreaker.

Or we’ll both be wrong and the Academy won’t give the screenwriter gongs to Moonlight and Manchester and will instead opt to break the Oscars record with La La Land – oh and FYI, as a director he is baking Damien Chazelle – I mean, if there is one thing Hollywood loves more than anything else, it is Hollywood.

Me and Peds? Well, we love a simple and sweet Pedro Almoturnóvar.

 

pedro-almoturnóvar-1

 

Now I know using store bought puff pastry is cheating but puff is the most difficult of the pastries and I’m not ready to attempt it and fail yet.

Plus, it is hella convenient and given how busy I am with prepping for the weekend ahead and what I’m going to wear/who I’m going to do, I needed something that I could quickly wrap my sweet, tart and altogether delicious raspberry, chocolate and almond filling.

Enjoy!

 

pedro-almoturnóvar-2

 

Pedro Almoturnóvar
Makes: 16.

Ingredients
¼ cup raspberry jam
½ cup raspberries
½ dark chocolate, roughly chopped
¼ cup slivered almonds, lightly toasted
4 frozen puff pastry sheets, thawed
1 egg, lightly whisked

Method
Preheat the oven to 190°C.

Combine the jam, raspberries, chocolate and almonds in a bowl and give a good stir.

Lay out the sheets of puff pastry and cut each into four squares. Place a generous tablespoon in a corner of each little square – leaving a centimetre around the edge – and brush the edges with a little bit of egg. Press and pleat the edges to seal, pushing out as much air as possible.

Place all the turnovers on a lined baking sheet, brush with egg wash and baking for about 20 minutes or until golden and crisp.

Devour.

 

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Beygel Knowles

Baking, Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Golden Little Pill, Side, Snack, Vegetarian

We’ve made it to the end of the Grammy Gold road and it has been nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster. Between Elts and I ending a decades long feud, Salt-n-Peps shooping over to down some squid, Braff and I also working to rekindle a friendship, Nells dropping by to convince me she was still making music and well, barely surviving the sexual tension between groffsauce and I, I am absolutely spent.

But hold up, that doesn’t mean our final visit was going to be cancelled so get in formation – my favourite Knowles-Z, Beyoncé, is finally dropping by for a visit!

As you know, I’ve been a close member of the Knowles clan since starting a fight club in (Whitney) Houston and Bey and I have been best friends ever since.

That being said, I sadly haven’t seen Bey in the flesh since the infamous Met Ball of 2014 … though I was the first to find out about her latest pregnancy. Also yes, the rumours are true – if they are both girls, she will be calling them Kelly and Michelle and if they are boys … Ben and Jamin.

Anywho, Bey appeared – nay, manifested – under the cover of darkness to avoid alerting the media to her pre-Grammy visit and ran straight into my arms.

“Ben, they don’t love you like I love you. You’re irreplaceable, I’ve missed you my little Sasha Fierce.”

“You liked it, well you should have put a ring on it my Dreamgirl!”

We held each other like best friends do and laughed – though I think a part of her was serious – in front of a large wall of imported flowers, covered in a veil, while discussing the upcoming awards.

I’d like to make one thing clear – yes, even Bey thinks she is going to sweep the pool. But who can really blame her? I mean, she has already won 20 Grammys and we both know that the academy is terrified of getting yelled out by our mutual friend Kanye.

Despite it being an evening catch-up, Bey had one pregnant craving she needed me to help with, so I gladly whipped up a big batch of my Beygel Knowles.

 

beygel-knowles-1

 

I love bagels. Love them. So much. I mean, if you could marry a food I would have put a ring on it already.

My favourite, like these babies, are cinnamon and raisin. I mean, they are a gift from the gods … like Queen Bey. So get boilin’ and bakin’ and get in formation to celebrate her upcoming nine new Grammys.

Enjoy!

 

beygel-knowles-2

 

Beygel Knowles
Serves: one pregnant angel and her babin’ chum. I am the babin’ chum, FYI. Also FYI, it makes 8.

Ingredients
500g 00 flour
¼ cup caster sugar
1½ tsp table salt
7g dried yeast
1 tbsp ground cinnamon
125g raisins (or sultanas but they are as juicy as I feel around Jon)
1 egg, beaten

Method
Combine the flour, sugar, salt, yeast, cinnamon and raisins in a large bowl for the stand mixer. Using the dough hook by hand, slowly stir in 300ml of warm water until everything is wet. Transfer to the stand mixer and knead for about 10 minutes, or until smooth and elastic. If you need more water, add it a tablespoon at a time. Place the dough in a large oiled bowl and allow to prove for an hour or so, or until doubled in size.

While it is proving itself preheat the oven to 180°C.

When the dough is as big for its britches as Tay Tay when she beat Bey – remember that controversy? – knock it back to size and break into 8 equal pieces. Roll them into balls and push a finger through the centre to form a ring. Place on a lined baking tray and allow to prove for half an hour.

While they are proving again, bring a pot of water to boil.

Once the bagels have double in size, drop them into the water one at a time, and cook for thirty seconds each side. Transfer to a wire rack and continue until done.

Transfer them to a lined baking sheet, brush with the egg and bake for about fifteen minutes, or until golden brown.

Devour, slathered in butter or cream cheese. Like a Queen.

 

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Adamper Garcia

Baking, Bread, Side, Snack

While Adam was a little bit offended that I called him a diva earlier in (which kind of proves my point, no?), there is nothing more unifying than joint anger. And thankfully we were both enraged and disheartened to find out that neither of us had won – let alone been nominated for – Australian of the Year.

I mean, sure neither of us are scientists that have made massive contributions to society, but Coyote Ugly is a modern classic and this blog is giving the under-connected a glimpse at life on the A-list. I don’t think the Australian of the Year committee are fully appreciating our value.

Anyway, we are both insanely offended, which meant the committee distracted Ads from my shade and we were able to celebrate ourselves – because evidently no one else was – and our country – who evidently hates us – like it were the good old days.

Not that I’m bitter though, or anything.

Ads and I haven’t seen each other in about a year, after he had to pull out of the stage production of Singin’ in the Rain due to a leg injury. I took over the role – at his request FYI, this isn’t a Showgirls situation – and our friendship had to play out over Skype only, while talking smack about our annoying co-stars.

After quickly reconnecting – sadly not physically, now that he is married – I got to work whipping up something delicious for our catch up. Given my love of his pillowy buns and the need to make something horrifically Australian, I just couldn’t go past a simple, classic Adamper Garcia.

 

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Make no mistake, damper may be simply but it is insane delicious … though maybe that has a lot to do with the fact that they are essentially a giant scone. Doughy and salty, it is the perfect thing to sop up some butter and honey or golden syrup.

So yes Latrice, damper is essentially a biscuit – enjoy!

 

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Adamper Garcia
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
3 cups flour
2 tbsp baking powder
pinch of salt
100g butter, chilled, cubed
¾ cup water

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the flour, baking powder and salt in a bowl together. Add the cubed butter and rub together with your fingertips until it resembles wet sand / breadcrumbs – Adam and I made it look like a culinary version of Ghost and it was amazing.

Pour in the water and use a knife to cut across the mixture until it is all combined, adding extra if it appears dry.

Bring the dough together with your hands and shape into a large cob-esque loaf. Place on a lined baking sheet, cut a deep cross into the dough and bake in the oven for half an hour, or until golden and cooked through.

Transfer to a wire rack and allow to cool slightly, before slathering in butter and your chosen condiments and devouring.

 

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