Shirlied Bassey Eggs

14th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza, Baking, Breakfast

With day one of the Meggstravaganza done and dusted – and me feeling hella dusty from one too many nogs – we’ve arrived at one of my favourite days of the ritual, where I need to bring forth a struggling musician. Now I know my selection of Shirley Bassey is controversial, since she is a ma’ fuckin’ icon who sang three of the best Bond themes, she is 81 and that is exhausting.

And when I’m exhausted, I struggle. So it works.

Plus, having actual struggling musicians show up hasn’t done much for the ritual, so maybe I need to be more creative with the classifications. You know?

While we didn’t connect until the ‘70s – I was checking in on my friend Nat’s kid sister on the set of Diamond Are Forever – we became the fastest of friends and I became her ferocious managent. So ferocious I went on to inspire the character of Ari Gold.

I know I’m digressing, but fun fact, I invented the slur Wein-fuck about the horrid Harvey.

In retrospect Horrid Harvey would also have worked.

Anyway, after catching up with Shirls and making sure she was happy and making good choices, we pulled the ceremonial cloaks out of the closet – I can’t believe I hadn’t mentioned them until yesterday – and got to work whipping up an eggceptional Shirlied Bassey Eggs.

 

 

Creamy, gooey and side note, title of my sex tape – these babies are so simple yet so good. A little rich, a little bit fresh – well not real – and altogether delicious, get this in your breakfast rotation. Without it, I feel you’ll never experience real joy.

Enjoy!

 

 

Shirlied Bassey Eggs
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
unsalted butter, for greasin’
2-4 (thin) slices smoked leg ham
4 eggs
¼ cup double cream
salt and pepper, to taste
100g Swiss cheese, grated
chives, sliced, to garnish

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Grease two ramekins with butter before pressing the ham into the base of each and up the side. Crack 2 eggs into each, place on a baking sheet and transfer to the oven to bake for 7-8 minutes, or until the white are just starting to colour.

Remove from the oven, drizzle the cream amongst the two, season with a good whack of salt and pepper, and top with the Swiss cheese. Return to the oven for 10 minutes or so, or until the whites are set and the yolks still gooey.

Serve with toast and devour immediately.

 

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Potato Jems

Party Food, Side, Snack, Vegetarian

Oh my goodness it is so great to finally be out of my Olympics trance. I know I am crazy sporty and won countless Olympic gold medals (which were all stripped away after Lance and I were found to be drug cheats) but damn, thank god they only happen every four years.

I mean, I can only handle so much thirst, you know?

Thankfully I have such sweet friends like Jem who drop everything – realistically I’m not sure how much she currently has going on, but anyway – when I call to come and help me through my dark hours and bring joy back to my life.

I first met Jem in the early 80s when we both attended the Stanwell School, where we bonded over a mutual love of music – she wanting to write and perform and me wanting to become the most prolific groupie of all time.

Needless to say, we both succeeded.

While life took us in different directions – and continents after I was deported for throwing too many of my knickers at Tom (his wife pressed charges, wench) – we always maintained a close bond and were really cute pen pals.

There aren’t many other communication options when you’re in prison, don’t hate me.

Anyway, after helping Jem break into the US market by suggesting her for The OC soundtrack we reconnected in person and started collaborating. The pinnacle of those collaborations being an appearance on the Sex and the City movie soundtrack. Girl loves a soundtrack.

Oh and her new album.

There was only one thing I could serve as we gabbed about life and celebrated the release of our/her new album and that is a big ole batch of my Potato Jems.

 

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Let’s be honest, potato is probably the greatest food known to man.

Seriously pause and think about it for five minutes – potato.

Welcome back! How great is potato? Exactly.

Now picture it, grated and bound together with a kick of spice and fried to perfection. Crispy and fluffy, these babies are delicious.

Enjoy!

 

potato-jems-2

 

Potato Jems
Serves: I say one, you say 4.

Ingredients
1 kg potatoes, peeled
1 tbsp flour
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp onion powder
¼ smoked paprika
¼ tsp dried oregano
pinch ground chilli
salt and pepper, to taste
vegetable oil

Method
Place the potatoes in a large pot of water and parboil for about 5-10 minutes, size dependent. Drain and allow to cool.

Once they have cooled enough to avoid third degree burns, grate the potatoes into a paper towel (or something clean and absorbent) and drain the potato, removing as much of the liquid as possible.

Transfer the potatoes to a large bowl, combine with the herbs and spices, season generously and form into gem/tot shapes. Obviously I am not committed on the shaping part of this exercise.

Heat a very generous lug of oil over high heat in a large frying pan and fry the tots 4-5 at a time  and cook until golden and crisp all over – a couple of minutes should be sweet. Remove to paper towel to drain and repeat until they are done.

Then devour.

 

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Just a ride

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

What a ride the last few weeks have been!?

The Australian Olympic team have spent a large portion of the competition choking, I spent a large portion of my viewing pleasure choking the chicken and then dove straight into the launch of Australian Survivor.

Obviously I’m exhausted but like a Kardashian, I am committed to forcing myself upon any audience I can get and can finally talk about this week’s guest. You didn’t think I’d forgotten about our regularly scheduled programming, right?

Given my fatigued state, I was in desperate need of someone kind and relaxing with a good singing voice to pander to my every demand for the measly payment of one meal. As such, I got Jem straight on the blower.

I first met Jem in the mid-00s while filming the second greatest TV wedding of all time The OC’s Cooper-Nichol extravaganza – Scott and Charlene’s is obvs number one. I worked as a writer, showrunner, body and stunt double for Seth and Marissa, Kirstin’s drinking coach, musical producer and Sandy’s brow stand in at the time. I had been listening to a shit tonne of Jem, which was the style at the time and we connected after an extensive period of stalking to woo her on to the show.

It has been a while since we’ve seen each other but Jem couldn’t refuse the man who was the self-proclaimed reason she hit fame. Maybe I’m more like Kanye than I thought.

What do I make to say your welcome, now help me re-Cooper-ate?

Get it. Classic! Julie would have hated that joke.

Picture source: Daily Post Wales.

 

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Rolled Dahl Turkey Filos

Main, Poultry

Damn I miss having Rolly in my life on the daily!

While I was going back to cheer myself up, I obviously felt the need to try and re-write history and convince him to change the character of Matilda to be a young ingenue called Ben. Mara Wilson would still have played the lead in the eventual film adaptation, going on to win the Oscar and rivaling Meryl Streep for accolades.

As you know, that is all still just my dream as Roald didn’t go for it.

Despite the sadness of parking my dream until another time travel jaunt, catching up with 1987 RoRo was such a treat. Yes, he was approaching the end of his life but the man still knew how to party.

We first met Roald while serving in World War II – he was in the Air Force, Annelie was performing in the British version of the USO Show titled the Bloody Bollocks Blimey War-Time Panto and I was working the streets, trying to help lonely soldiers make questionable choices.

Roald was first on the scene to break up a violent street brawl between Annelie and I and thanks to his calm, patient, loving nature took us in and helped us to heal our wounds, physical and emotional, and helped me turn my life around.

Read: I became a high class escort in the decade following the war – no more streets for me!

And yes, despite so many celebrities helping us turn our life around, it never seems to stick.

Before I whipped out the time machine, I took stock of the fridge and discovered an abundance of turkey, cranberry and pistachios which was serendipitous as they are the three key ingredients of our famed Rolled Dahl Turkey Filos.

 

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Turkey can be a daunting bird to approach, so consider this a gateway recipe until you’re ready to tackle Brian’s delight. The combination of stuffing-esque ingredients impart a delicate flavour to the meat while the filo casing helps lock in some moisture.

Talk about dream weaver – enjoy!

 

rolled-dahl-turkey-filos-2

 

Rolled Dahl Turkey Filos
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 turkey breasts, sliced in half
1 onion, finely diced
100g pancetta, rind removed and chopped
1 clove garlic, finely diced
1 tbsp sage, roughly chopped
100g dried cranberries, roughly chopped
50g pistachios, roughly chopped
50g brie, diced
sea salt
black pepper
375g filo

Method
Preheat oven to 170°C.

Combine the onion, pancetta, garlic, sage, cranberries, pistachio and brie in a large bowl with a generous whack of salt and pepper. Stir to combine.

After slicing the breasts you should have four pretty even (thick) slices of meat. Lay them out on a tray and separate the stuffing mixture into four equal portions and place in the middle of each – it will be pretty generous, but let’s be honest, the stuffing is the draw card here.

Working one at a time, roll the breast on top of itself to have a layer of turkey around a core of stuffing – not to sound patronising, but that makes sense right?

Anyway, grab two sheets of filo pastry and place a stuffed turkey roll in the middle of the filo towards one end. Roll the turkey over so the filo is wrapped around it, fold in each end and then wrap up the rest of the sheet of filo. Place on a lined baking tray and repeat the process until they are all done.

Brush with some olive oil and sprinkle with some leftover chopped sage, pistachio or brie – obviously I ran out and used parmesan. I love cheese, but I don’t think it worked.

Bake in the oven for 20-30 minutes or until they are golden and crisp.

Serve with some steamed broccolini or potato bake. Roald was in charge of sides for our catch-up and dropped the ball, sad.

 

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Matilda and the Giant Chocolate Witches

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Welcome to 2016, ya’ll – we hope you all had a relaxing festive period doing whatever it is people that are not so well connected do!

Obviously, we spent our time hanging in St Bart’s with Portia, Ellen, Bieber-Peen, not-Alec’s daughter, Hairy Pyles and Kenny before returning to Australia to ring in the new year, emphasis on ring, at Byron with the wider Cyrus-Hemsworth clan.

While we had a wonderful couple of weeks – sadly sans cooking, so sorry no culinary evidence – tragedy struck when and Annelie and Miley were just being Miley and got into a serious accident while cage-fighting. Poor Miles lost 30cm of her tongue, while tragically Annelie was struck, quite literally, with a case of amnesia.

We believe her evil twin Ennelie may have rigged the cage to malfunction so that she could steal her identity, yet that hasn’t been confirmed. Those are the days of our lives, I guess …

Given the extensive nature of her injuries and the fact that she only remembers our pre-murdering friendship with Charles Manson (I do not want to break that news to her), she is on the bench while she recovers … or completes her Medicine degree, at which point I assume she can fix herself.

But through the tragedy, I will continue and potentially, and probably unlikely-ly, prosper.

That being said, I am feeling blue so thought it best to whip out the time-machine and go visit one of our dearly departed friends who has provided every person’s childhood with boundless joy – Roald Dahl!

I’ve got a shit tonne of leftovers in the fridge/freezer/pantry – what to make, what to make?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

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Spicy TomaJones Sauce

Condiment, Sauce

International sex-bomb, past-TB sufferer and rugged love beast are but a few of the ways to describe our dear friend and saucy ex-lover, Tom Jones.

We first met Sir Tom when he was jonesing for us after we invented the knicker-throw at his gig at the Copacabana in 1968. Infatuated (and clearly driven wild by my man musk), we developed and deep and passionately love affair for the following decades.

It ended after I found out he was also bedding Annelie. We were both able to move past the pain and the hurt with a series of catfights, which led to us collaborating on the hit show Dynasty. It was hella cathartic.

While neither of us has felt able to rekindle that special relationship with Tom, we have grown closer in our mutual disdain for the Cardigans (they burned bridges with Tom, as well as houses).

Tom was in town for the night to work on a spin off for Theme Song Guy and start work on the sequel to What’s new pussycat? tentatively titled, What’s even newer pussycat? He was flying off to have a meat pie with Jessie J on the set of The Voice today, so we quickly whipped him up a batch of our Spicy TomaJones Sauce to take with him.

 

Spicy TomaJones Sauce_1

 

Like most things, we like to add a kick of heat to our tommy sauce. If for no other reason than Tommy gives a kick to our pants. In a good way.

Enjoy! Hopefully this can start to mend our feud with Jessie J?

 

Spicy TomaJones Sauce_2

 

Spicy TomaJones Sauce
Makes: 1-2 cups.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
2 cloves garlic, peeled and whole
1 small onion, finely diced
1 tsp chilli flakes
2 tbsp vermouth
2 x 400g cans chopped tomatoes
1 tsp sea salt flakes
1 tsp muscovado sugar
2-4 sprigs thyme

Method
Heat oil in a large saucepan/deepish frying pan over medium heat and fry off the garlic, onion and chilli flakes for a couple of minutes. Add vermouth and cook off for a minute.

Reduce heat to low and add the tinned tomatoes, salt, sugar and thyme and simmer for 10-15 minutes or until slightly reduced. (Note: trust your gut, not my timings as I’m not the best judge of time or temperature on the stovetop).

Once reduced, remove from heat and leave to cool for about half an hour. Blitz and ready to devour. If you feel the sauce is too runny, return to the heat and reduce further until at your desired consistency.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.