Lydia Lassila 2.0

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: All Stars, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders, Drink, Snack, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor after Shonee and Zach were booted to exile, Jonathan decided to switch up the tribes. Before the icon and her newfound friend returned to the game, with each being sent to one of the new tribes. Filling Abbey with dread, given she was reunited with Shonee. New Mokuta won the first reard challenge after the swap, where they won an enigmatic Pandora’s Box. Which they took back to camp and learnt that two keys were hidden on the island, with the first person to find one and open it claiming the ultimate advantage inside. Everyone was off and racing before Nick found the key, roped in Phoebe to be his lookout and grab the extra vote advantage before anyone noticed. Mokuta once again proved unstoppable in the immunity challenge, leading to a showdown between Abbey and Shonee. With Locky, Brooke, AK and Flick firmly planted in the middle. Thankfully fellow fourth-placed robbed goddess Flick chose to side with Shonee, and the tribe blindside Abbey from the game.

We checked in with Mokuta the next day where Moana and David were bonding over their improved surroundings. However the uncertainty about who opened Pandora’s Box was driving David mad, and as such, he got to work trying to find the culprit and in turn, find out the advantage they claimed for themselves. While he listed the potential thieves though, he conveniently missed Nick … who was at that very moment doing a David impersonation with a really cute scarf. That I need now, please and thank you Nick.

Over at Vakama Shonee was living for her breakfast, flying high on the killer tribal council the previous night. Like Arya Stark, she was thrilled to cross a name off her list and was ready to keep going. Knowing that she gets by on her personal relationships, Shonee continued her charm offensive and bonded with her season-mate Mat. I mean, he even made the Queen a friendship bracelet – I live! Mat too was trying to make as many friends as possible, knowing that he was reunited with Lydia, who is out for her own revenge from their original season. When he and Shane blindsided her. Speaking of Lydia, she was trying to do a complete 180 on her game, targeting the strong, athletic Mat. With that, she tasked John to go make friends and why isn’t he doing a nudie run? That is the John I love.

Returning to Mokuta, Zach was giving me the goods, washing off, flashing his buns and OH MY GOD, do I love Zach?


Before I could explore my feelings or boner, Nick was feeling nervous about the state of play on Mokuta, given they haven’t been to tribal and he isn’t sure where the loyalties lie. He was confident in his alliance with Sharn and Lee, knowing that David and Phoebe were together and Tarzan, Moana and Jacqui were close, and as such, he needed to snap up one of the other groups to take control. And use his extra vote if needed. Feeling less nervous, Moana was thankful to have two of her closest allies with her, loving the new beach and fired up to make some moves and get back to her dear friend Mat. Unlike her besties however, she was nervous about David and as such, wanted to get him out ASAP. Mo approached Sharn to share her fears about David and suggested splitting up his pair with Phoebe. She then approached Nick to point out that David and Phoebe have been spooning, and as such, are aligned and need to be dealt with.

The tribes arrived to meet Jonathan and were shocked to learn that tribal immunity was placed on pause and that today, each tribe would compete amongst themselves for individual immunity and both tribes would go to tribal council tonight. Said challenge would require everyone to stand on a pole, holding two discs between a hand and the side walls. With the last ones standing on each tribe taking immunity. After a matter of minutes, John and Locky became the first two out of the challenge – nudie run? – quickly followed by Harry, while nobody from Mokuta had even dropped. Well, until I jinxed them and Moana dropped, while everyone by Jacqui looked close to death. Lee was the next to go, followed by a distraught Phoebe, Shonee, Mat and David.

Taking a leaf out of Shane’s book, David started to strike up a conversation with Moana, assuring her that he won’t target her tonight. Nick was eliminated from the challenge as the duo spoke about hooking up, with Moana keen to be his new Luke. Tarzan dropped out to give Jacqui a better shot at the Mokuta immunity, before Lydia lost her chance at the Vakama one. Not very athletic, no? Zach was the next to drop, leaving Sharn and Jacqui to battle for Mokuta’s immunity, while Brooke, AK and Flick were still alive for Vakama. Until I jinxed them and AK was eliminated, leaving the ladies all to dig. Ultimately Jacqui proved unbeatable, as Sharn finally dropped her discs. Meanwhile the Vakama challenge proved more interesting as Brooke and Flick continued to fight, neither wanting to give up given the fact Flick blindsided Flick in their first season. Not that we’d know, since Flick hasn’t spoken all season. One thing she has done is drop though, handing Brooke immunity.

Back at Vakama Shonee was thrilled to get rid of another two of her enemies, looking forward to getting rid of Lydia. And I assume, hoping Lee or Sharn go on the other. Lydia decided now would be the time to try and befriend Shonee, which she immediately shut down given they have no relationship and Lydia needs to exit her beach. Shonee, Locky, AK, Brooke and Flick caught up to lock in the plan, with everyone more than ok to stick with Lydia. Speaking of Lydia, she was desperate to find a way out of the situation and decided her best chance would be to pitch a Mat blindside to flush his idol … and get revenge for Champions vs. Contenders I. With that, she approached AK and Harry and wisely appealed to their egos, telling them a vote for her is boring and blindsiding Mat would be great for their resume.

AK was keen to go with the plan, but only if Lydia could convince John – easy – Brooke and Locky to join with them. Lydia approached the latter to see how they were feeling and despite it being risky, knew it was her only shot. Sadly for her, however, it didn’t go unnoticed by Mat, who quickly deduced that he was her target and was working overtime to convince people to join her. Begrudgingly Mat approached Locky to see what was going on and pledged his allegiance to his former nemesis to stay safe for one more vote.

Side note, everyone reminded us that this is All Stars about 1000 times and I hate it.

Meanwhile over at Mokuta Jacqui was thrilled to have secured individual immunity before David scurried off to see whether he could convince Zach to align with him. They met up in the shallows and when Zach seemed open to voting out Nick – the OG snake – David commenced rallying the troops, pulling in Lee and Sharn, knowing that Phoebe would also be keen if it saves themselves. Not resting one his laurels, David reached out to Moana to see whether she can bring herself, Tarzan and Jacqui in on the vote, working together long enough to keep Mat happy if they reunite. With Mo and Co. keen, everything seemed to be done and dusted.

But damn, the Moana that slayed Russel is back and I am so thrilled to see her again. She caught up with Sharn and suggested that instead, they target Phoebe to weaken David’s alliance and free up Nick. And she has zero qualms about it, given she told Dave that she would be loyal to him at the merge … but they haven’t merged yet. I mean, that is low-key iconic. Speaking of icons, Phoebe was nervous about losing Nick and as such, pulled him and Sharn aside to catch them up and find another vote. Sadly for Nick, however, he suggested Moana as the next best option. The same Moana that is a dear friend of Sharn outside of the game.

Both tribes arrived at tribal council before Lydia spoke about the pain of Abbey being thrown under the bus and booted last tribal council. She then smugly spoke about there being cracks in the tribe, insinuating that she had been successful in using them enough to make a move. Mat admitted that he was nervous after receiving votes the night before, AK spoke about the ever-changing dynamics on the tribe and John admitted to being completely left out and just dragged along by the rest of the tribe. Lydia said that she was even further behind John, which makes no sense, given they are calm and dependable. And there are people sitting quietly on the tribe, waiting to fuck, shit up. Locky admitted to the tensions in their tribe, though wouldn’t commit to any one person being more of a threat than any other. Talk turned to cars, with Mat saying he is in the car, but not driving it before AK decided to just claim the wheel and then told Jonathan that the vote won’t change a thing. But will give them more room in the shelter. Which made Mat just a little bit nervous.

Jonathan turned his sights to Mokuta, with Jacqui sharing how thrilled she was to finally feel safe at a tribal council. David admitted that everyone was wary of tribal council, given the tribe hasn’t had the chance to solidify their allegiances. Moana spoke about how lovely the new tribe was, glad to take some time to chill, bond and move past the dramas on the previous tribe. This annoyed Phobe, who said the issues were clearly still there since she wasn’t invited to go swim and bond, and as such, she was nervous. Nick spoke about exploiting the cracks in the alliance, David said he was trying to plan for the future and Moana said she was confident and just wanted to vote.

While Phoebe and Sharn started to whisper, David agreed with Moana that he was feeling confident in the vote ahead. Which Sharn and Lee agreed with, all seemingly putting a lot of weight on this vote for dictating the rest of their games. Moana suggested someone will be surprised by the outcome of the vote, which made Nick feel nervous, reminding everyone that only Jacqui is safe. Speaking of Jacqui, she too … was confident in the plan going ahead.

Jonathan decided to add one more twist to the proceedings, announcing that while each tribe will be voting somebody out, only one would be exiting the game as the duo will face off in a fire challenge, leaving the victor to return to their tribe, desperate for some Shonee style revenge.

With that, the Vakama tribe kicked off the vote-a-palooza, followed by Mokuta, before Jonathan revealed that Lydia was narrowly voted out of the former ahead of John. Much to Shonee’s slyly, smug delight. While the more confused Mokuta narrowly settled on Queen Phoebe over Nick and Moana. With that the women approached their fire stations to prepare for battle, with Phoebe nervously checking in on Lydia’s fire-making ability. Which she self rated with a half-hearted, “yeah good.” But, yeah, nah, they weren’t so good, as Phoebe quickly got a spark – under Dave’s guidance – while Lydia focused on building a tee-pee before focusing on the flame. With Phoebe first to get flame, she desperately worked to build it up. Her kindling quickly lit up, but just as quickly went out, giving Lydia hope. Though it was misplaced, as Phoebe relit the flame and got a roaring fire before Lydia even managed a spark, returning herself to the game and sending Lydia home.

Despite openly complaining about Lydia for most of the season, I was sad to see her arrive at Loser Lodge. Until I learnt that the other option was Phoebe, though I didn’t tell her that. The fire she showed this entire episode reminded me of how great a villain she was in the first episode, so I decided to finally take her in my arms, apologise for our ongoing feud – she got me banned from the Olympics because I cheated, or something – and make her a kinda, Lydia Lassila. 2.0.

 

 

Like Lydia’s slightly improved game this season, I decide to see her previous Lydia Lassila and change it just enough to be new, fresh and exciting. Out are the juicy, juicy mangoes and in are the strawberry and rose water. The latter of which gives a very feminine, glamorous edge, in honour of Queen Shonee who is out for athletic blood.

Enjoy!

 

 

Lydia Lassila 2.0
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 cups frozen strawberries, defrosted
2 cups natural yoghurt
½ cup milk
2 tbsp honey
¼ tsp ground cardamom
¼ tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp rose water

Method
Chuck everything in a blender or food processor.

Blitz for a couple of minutes, or until well combined.

Pour into a glass and down, like an Olympic Champion that was bested by our queen, icon, legend Shonee.

 

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Daisy Porrichardson

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: All Stars, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Breakfast, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor 24 All Stars returned to the game, bringing out the best version of Lydia, which coincidentally is a gloriously petty villain. She landed on a tribe with Shane, quickly cutting her, leaving Shonee to be the one true queen of All Stars. Who was currently planning to partner with Nick and Harry to cause some chaos. Meanwhile the other tribe were less dynamic, though mainly because Locky is a babe and Dave is charming and not much else happened. Though Locky did almost get naked in a challenge again? Despite making fire without a flint, Vakama’s luck quickly ran out and they attended their first tribal council, where they too cut the throat of the only former winner on their tribe, Jericho.


The next day Vakama seemed relatively unfazed to have lost Jericho. Particularly Daisy who was feeling her oats in the mega majority, planning to partner up with Locky and form a power couple. Which you know is going to come back to bite her. Particularly since Phoebe and Brooke are also single and interested, and he only has eyes for Brooke. Mainly because she is not a bogan like Daisy. They then played a jungle version of The Bachelor which ended in Locky picking nobody. BECAUSE HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME.

Probably.

Meanwhile over at Mokuta, the tribe were loving their lives after a night off. They jushed up the camp, Shonee was an icon, Lee couldn’t throw and John was an iconic … before we finally checked in with Sharn, who was trying to play a low key game. That being said, she was growing close to both Lee and John, particularly the former as he is the only other person in the game that knows what it feels like to make it to the end and come up with nothing. The poor thing then started to cry in her confessional talking how hard it is to lose by one vote and hot damn, I hope she doesn’t come up just short again. Unless they give out a second place prize. Hint hint.

Back at Vakama, Jacqui was reminding us that she and the olds plus Moana are well and truly on the outs, however she trusts Mat implicitly and as such, feels like they will be able to work their way out of their shitty position. Particularly since Mat is so fired up to find a way to save them and as such, he planned to approached Henry if they lose the next immunity challenge  and ask him to hand over his expiring idol. Though he may not need said idol, since David is holding a Lydia sized grudge against Daisy and was itching to get his revenge against her, despite being part of a majority alliance. For the first time. With that David approached Mat to float the idea of controlling each side of the tribe and work together to knock out the people that would benefit them the most. Which Mat loved the sound of, since it will save him and also is so unexpected

My love Jonathan arrived for the latest reward challenge where the tribes would complete three mini-challenges from previous seasons, with the first tribe to win two winning coffee. The first challenge required two people to build a puzzle wall and then toss bags to knock them over with Mokuta putting up Henry and Lee – looking for some episode one redemption – against Locky and AK from Vakama. Right out of the gate Henry and Lee powered ahead, tossing bags and knocking down half the puzzle before the others had even finished the puzzle. So yeah, Mokuta 1, Vakama 0.

The second mini-challenge required some to hold up a net while another two toss coconuts in their rivals sack, the last one standing scoring the point. Zach and Locky faced off holding their sacks, while John and Lee tossed their nut at Locky’s sack and David and Mat aimed at Zach’s. Despite a strong strategy from Locky to shake his sack about, the weight quickly piled up – because Locky was taking nut after nut, obvi – and my sexy zaddy dropped his load, handing victory to Mokuta without even needing to play the final stage of the challenge.

Oh and Mat asked Henry to give him the idol should Mokuta win the next challenge. Which Henry loved as he can’t get enough of making a big move.

We followed the victorious Mokuta tribe back to camp where they giddily discovered their coffees, complete with a magazine on the history of Australian Survivor. Lee got to work making the kids a cuppa, while the tribe sat around reading the magazine and learning about everyone’s sneaky past. With Harry and Nick feeling particularly nervous, given it makes them look super sneaky. Thankfully it reminded us of Sharn’s idol shitting moment and hot damn, it hurts to laugh so hard.


Shonee’s story was iconic, classic Shonee. Abbey’s reminded us of her fight with Steven, Lydia’s rubbed salt in the wounds of her blindside, Michelle was reminded of losing the fire making challenge and we finally heard from Zach, who we learnt was trying his hardest not to be a misogynistic pig.

Back at Vakama Mat was still hopeful the Henry would give him the idol, though wasn’t resting on his laurels, pulling David aside under the cover of darkness to see whether David would tell him where the votes are going, so that he can play said idol and vote someone out of his alliance. Which David was all in on IF Mat’s alliance all vote for Daisy.

Sweet, ripped Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes would face off in groups of three to push giant wooden balls around a pen to shoot a goal, with the first one scoring a point for their tribes. First up were Tarzan, Locky and AK vs Henry, Harry and Nick, with Tarzan showering Henry with kisses like an icon, while Locky manhandled Nick and Harry while AK desperately tried to score a goal. Henry pulled himself away from the love fest, leaving Tarzan to make a dash for it until all hell broke loose and everyone was randomly running and tackling each other – sadly keeping their pants – until Vakama snatched a win. Next up Lydia, Michelle and Abbey destroyed Flick, Brooke and Daisy, in large part thanks to a beast performance from Michelle, if you ask me. The last battle featured Dave, Tarzan and Mat facing off against Lee, Henry and Zach, with Zach and Tarzan taking time to have a little meet and greet before they started to grapple. Oh look, John is in speedos on the sidelines – swoon! Eventually Henry and Zach managed to overpower David, allowing the former villain Zach to score the winning point, and immunity, for Mokuta by a matter of seconds.

After the challenge multiple people caught up with their pre-game alliances on the other tribe, allowing the perfect cover for Henry to hand over the idol to Mat without anyone noticing. Wait, no, AK definitely saw him and shit, this plan isn’t going to work, is it?

Vakama returned to camp to commence scrambling, with Mat growing more and more annoyed by the majority’s arrogance around camp. With that, he looped Jacqui and Moana in on the plan to play the idol on whoever they plan to load the votes on, and they just need to get good intel from the majority. On the flipside, AK shared what he saw at the challenge with them all agreeing to load the votes on Jacqui, put a couple of Moana and tell Mat that the latter was the target to blow his idol. One by one they diligently informed Mat that they were targeting his closest ally. Well except for David, who let him know that Jacqui is the real target and as such, Mat locked in his plan to play his idol on her. Mat looped in all his allies and told them that they must vote for Daisy and honestly, the plan can’t actually come to fruition, can it?

Meanwhile David was feeling nervous about his plan falling through and as such, pulled Daisy aside to share how nervous he is about the upcoming tribal council to make her feel like he is the target. As they were catching up, however, Tarzan started openly searching for an idol and as such, the majority decided that they needed to hunt for it first. Everyone was openly looking around camp before Locky and Brooke spotted a tree stump with a hole in it, with Brooke running up to it and snatching the hidden immunity idol, making tribal council super interesting. Particularly since David planned to make them so nervous about him going home so that when Mat plays his idol, Brooke wastes her idol to protect him. Which led to Mat running around to the majority to give a last minute plea to them to target David.

At tribal council David acknowledged the very large and very clear division in the tribe, though admitted that as the majority, he is thrilled about everything. Moana got to work painting a target on Dave’s back, calling him the leader of the alliance, though admitted she is still happy with her little four. Mat piled on the David-is-our-target plan – making Locky sad that he isn’t viewed as the leader – while David masterfully played up his fau-paranoia into the mix, whispering to his allies to confirm their plans and make them nervous. Jacqui joined the fray talking about the futility of searching for cracks when their minds are made up, leading to some sass looks from Daisy. Talk soon turned to idols, leading to Mat commences whispering to Locky and Phoebe that now would be a good time for them to flip to his side.

After Jonathan called him out for whispering, Mat decided to play defeated leading to some amazing faux-sass at David. This then angered Daisy who called him out for not fighting and told him that things change and he needs to start trying hard. With that the tribe voted before all hell truly broke loose – Sue’s Big Move, this was not – as Mat pulled out his idol before Jonathan even grabbed the urn. He then played it for Jacqui – after a brief psych out – leading to Flick placing her head in her hands, showing him that he made the right decision. David then started whispering to Mat asking if the votes were piled on him, leading to a nervous Brooke reaching into her bag to grab her idol and play it on Dave. As such, Jonathan read the votes, with five votes for Jacqui negated, two votes counting for Moana and the other four piling on Daisy and sending her from the game.

Poor Daisy really had the worst luck of anyone this season. I mean, I was watching her get sent to Exile on her last season in Loser Lodge when I was interrupted by her getting booted for the second time. I pulled her in tight and assured her that she was always going to have a target on her back coming from the most recent season, and that she is and always will be, an All Star. After realising I clearly was channelling RuPaul, I pulled myself together and whipped her up a big bowl of Daisy Porrichardson as she headed out to the airport to do post-game press for her OG season. Which just felt so savage.

 

 

But what is the cure for a cruel blow? A warm, comforting bowl of freshly made porridge. It may not be the most complex dish to make, but with a sprinkling of sugar and the potential addition of some sultanas, there is nothing better.

Enjoy!

 

 

Daisy Porrichardson
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
1 cup steel cut oats
1 ½ – 2 cups milk, eater’s choice
muscovado sugar, to taste

Method
Combine the oats and 1 ½ cups of milk in a saucepan over medium heat and cook, stirring, for five to ten minutes.

Adjust the milk depending on whether you like your porridge runnier or thicker, and stir to heat through.

Serve in a heaping pile in a bowl, covered in a heavy sprinkling of muscovado sugar. Or whatever topping you prefer.

Enjoy!

 

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Jericho Maloo Bonda

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Australian Survivor: All Stars, Side, Snack, Tapas, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor 24 giants of the game returned to the island to get revenge, redemption or to detain their crown. John still loved speedos, Shonee is still a queen and Locky is still bae. After a gruelling opening reward challenge the Mokuta tribe got to claim a pre-built luxury camp, leaving Vakama to suffer through their first day. Thankfully though it lit a fire under them, or more specifically Locky, as he dominated the challenge and secured immunity for the flailing tribe. Back at camp Lydia quickly got to work getting revenge on Shane, rallying the numbers to take out our queen despite her valiant efforts to save herself.

The next day Mokuta were decidedly more upbeat, though mainly because Shonee was telling an iconic story where she pulled over an uber to pat a dalmation, bonding with its owner and then getting employed as his personal assistant. I mean, thank you Shonee. And thank you editors for making up for the severe lack of Shontent leading up to the season.

While everyone was falling under Shonee’s spell, Henry went slinking through the jungle to take a look at his latest idol. Rather than trying to make inroads with his tribe after isolating himself by aligning with Shane. He returned to camp and immediately started chatting to Harry by the fire, hoping to throw him off the scent that he voted for him the night before. Speaking of Harry, he got to work wooing Shonee, suggesting that the two of them should align with Nick. And just like that, I like Harry because he has exquisite taste and I want to be their best friend.

We finally checked in on Vakama where poor Locky was still rubbing his stick, desperate to start a fire while Jericho was like a phone when it is out of battery. Meaning, obviously, that he is running on empty. What a wordsmith?! While Phoebe didn’t call him out and calmly sat chatting, AK and David joined Locky to work on the fire. While once again AK grew tired of the calmness, hoping to lock in some allies and cause some chaos. The battle lines, apparently, were drawn by age lines with the old hags aligning, while the hotties – like him – all wanted to work together. Which was great for David, given he is super pretty but also almost 40. So I assume he is the swing vote, and honestly, I want to swing on him like a big old vine.

Adding to his beauty, he continued to rub his stick well into the night until finally, he got an ember and started a fire for his freezing tribe. I mean, what a beautiful provider?!

My boy Jonathan arrived for the reward challenge where three people at a time from each tribe would face off on a platform at sea, working to push the others off until only their tribe remains. It was for the chance to shop at the Survivor store, getting the choice of a range of critical items to make their camp life a little bit easier. In the first round Lydia, Abbey and Sharn were shockingly destroyed by Daisy, Moana and Brooke, thanks to Daisy crushing Lydia in an iconic scene. Zach, Lee and Nick were net to wrestle Locky, Mat and David, and honestly I didn’t care who won, only that they were all writhing around with each other. After Locky pulled Mat into the water, the round was halted as Zach heard his knee pop leaving Nick to battle against Mat and David all by himself. Which was adorable, particularly when David refused to battle to give Nick a fair shot.

I mean, fucking swoon.

Queens Shonee and Michelle eventually climbed onto the platform with Abbey to battle against Jacqui, Phoebe and Flick. With Flick and Jacqui quickly taking out our Queens, Abbey and Phoebe battled for over 20 minutes, with Abbey twerking in Phoebe’s face like she was angling for a rimjob until Phoebe freed herself from her clutches. After pacing around each other, Abbey lunged at Phoebe’s jugular leading to yet another epic battle before Abbey eventually scored a point for Mokuta. The boys made a return to the fray with John, Henry and Lee facing off against Locky, David and Mat – again – leading to another stunning sight of shirtless men wrestling, with Henry showing some crack and John trying to dack his opponents before going into the drink with Mat. Locked in a hug, Henry and David decided to chat about their positions in the tribe. Much to Moana’s – who I keep forgetting is in the cast – chagrin. Ultimately David pushed Henry in, leaving Lee to fight for his tribe’s survival, ripping Locky’s shorts off to stay alive. Unaware that Locky has zero qualms about getting nude in a challenge.

After securing victory, Jonathan surprised Vakama with the twist that only two of them will be going to select their reward from the shop. With the tribe selecting Phoebe – who had never, ever won a reward – and Locky, who took off his shorts to score the win.

With the duo off shopping, the rest of Vakama returned to camp and quickly congratulated Daisy for embarrassing Lydia and Abbey in a physical challenge. Focusing on the wrong things, Jericho asked what the shop would look like before suggesting that since they were split up, they likely will be getting a dilemma. And oh my goodness, have I been too hard on Jericho because that is the perfect thing to point out after seeing the only other winner of the cast just became the first boot.

Meanwhile over at the shop Phoebe was just excited to actually win a reward before they discovered they were able to snatch five rewards, either for themselves or the entire tribe. With that, they selected the chance to invite 2 people to a reward that their tribe loses – for themselves), a flint for the tribe, a bowl of cookies … which they cracked before leaving the store like a tantruming toddler, and then a boring old tarp and some potatoes. Trust solidified, the sneaky duo returned to camp with Phoebe wisley choosing to stay quiet and let Locky tell the story. Well until Daisy, AK and Jericho started to see holes in their story, crunching the numbers and making them nervous. Which led to Locky and Phoebe relenting and telling their allies that they also received cookies, which they stashed to share with the rest of the Heathers.

Before we could find out whether they would be sprung with the cookies, my love Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where each tribe was required to run under an obstacle, up a tower and release six barrels which they would race like Sierra-Dawn Thomas Anglim before standing them on discs and tossing sacks on each of them. Once they stand them up. As prophesied by Queen Michelle, Mokuta took an early lead, motivated by their loss at the reward challenge. Mokuta continued to slowly pull away, until Vakama’s final barrel got stock in their chute. Allowing Mokuta to push further ahead, with Queens Michelle and Shonee riding a barrel like it was their throne. Vakama slowly started to close the gap until Moana slipped off her barrel, meaning Mokuta could start the sack tossing before the others had even finished the course. Despite flailing in the previous throwing challenge Lee redeemed himself, scoring the first two points, with Henry scoring another before Vakama finally joined the fray. While Mat and AK desperately tried to close the gap, the lead proved too much to overcome, with Lee and Henry scoring immunity by the skin of their teeth.

And proving Queen Michelle to be a trusted psychic.

Back at camp the tribe quickly smashed a meal before everyone started to scramble, with the Heathers excusing themselves to scramble while the olds were left back at camp to find a way to save themselves. Jericho suggested they eat all the food while they were away, which takes away from his earlier wisdom. Meanwhile over with the young’uns, they were locking in the vote against Moana who was terrible at the camp with the bonus being that it would break up her close alliance with Mat. David however wasn’t sold on the idea, feeling it was way too obvious for them and as such, suggested they too get rid of their tribe’s previous winner. The group quickly locked in the vote and split up, before Phoebe shared that she didn’t want to vote for Jericho but also didn’t want to rock the vote earlier.

Speaking of Jericho, he was rallying the minority group, suggesting that they join together to vote out Daisy. With that done and dusted, Mat and Jericho bid adieu to Jacqui, Moana and Tarzan and got to work trying to woo AK and Phoebe over to their side instead. And while Phoebe was sold on their pitch, knowing she and Daisy have no plans to work together long term, like Nick last night, she didn’t want to put her neck on the line.

At tribal council Phoebe was nervous to be back at tribal council after her losing ways on Aganoa. David felt like no time had past since his last stint at tribal council before Flick put her foot in it, saying that she is voting for who is best for ‘us’. Jericho quickly questioned who the ‘us’ are before Moana straight up pointed out the 7-5 split amongst the tribe. Phoebe tried to downplay alliances before Mat played up his loyalty, reiterating that you need strong allies to make it to the end. AK shared that he was just keeping an ear out to the answers at tribal council before making his decision, making everyone in his alliance nervous and poor Phoebe look like she wanted to throw up. Phoebe changed tact and reminded everyone that she came from the worst tribe on her season and as such, she was really focused on staying strong to avoid losing again.

Jericho played the emotional card, trying to squeeze out some tears and sharing how much he loves everyone and how sad it will be to see someone go. Surprisingly the tears made Phoebe start to feel guilty, and as such, question if she was making the right decision. With that, Moana saw hope – get it? – and told Jonathan that the tribe would be going to vote before the opportunity passed themselves by. With that, Jonathan heeded her advice and the tribe voted, with the Heathers winning the battle and sending the only remaining victor from the game.

While I wasn’t his biggest fan in his first season – I mean, he was competing for my affections with Locky so never stood a chance – I truly felt sorry for him as he wandered into Loser Lodge. I mean, as soon as he saw Shane had gotten the boot you could see that he knew he would be following her straight out the door. As such, I pulled him in close, apologised for being harsh, threw out a confusing metaphor and then whipped out a big ol’ plate of Jericho Maloo Bonda.

 

 

Essentially the Indian equivalent of his first season’s victory meal, bondas are gloriously crisp balls of fluffy, spicy potato. Do you even need me to say anything else to convince you? Get thee to a kitchen, stat!

Enjoy!

 

 

Jericho Maloo Bonda
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
6 potatoes, peeled, boiled and mashed
olive oil, to taste
2 onions, diced
2 green chillies, diced
2 tsp ginger
1 tsp chilli flakes
2 lemons, zested and juiced
2 cups rice flour
salt and pepper, to tase

Method
Preheat oven to 180C.

Heat a good lug of olive oil in a large saucepan and sweat the onions for five minutes, or until semi-translucent. Add the ginger, chilli and chilli flakes and cook for a further minute. Remove from heat and stir through the lemon zest and juice.

Place the pre-mashed potato into a large bowl and add the zesty onion mix and rice flour. Season and stir with the wooden spoon until it is well combined.

Form into balls, somewhere between the size of golf balls and tennis balls, and transfer to a lined baking sheet until all the mixture is done.

Drizzle with oil and transfer to the oven to bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Devour with some raita, in a state of mixed-metaphor bliss.

 

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Abbean Holmes Soup

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Main, Side, Snack, Soup, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Luke and Abbey were playing the middle of the two duos, with the former unaware that everyone – but Abbey – was plotting his demise. When he took out immunity and saved himself, Harry pivoted and put the target back on to his nemesis JaQueen. This put Luke and Abbey back in the middle and try as JaQueen and Pia might, they were unable to swing them back to their side, and JaQueen was tragically beheaded. Not literally, but it felt hard to watch. As Janine is a bloody icon.

Back at camp Pia was disheartened to have lost Janine though explained to the tribe that as an award winning actress, she could tell that it was coming since they’re shit actors. Abbey was proud to make it to the final five, and have the chance to show the jury that she can pull off a big blindside in getting rid of Janine. And since she has grown to enjoy a cheeky blindside, looked forward to rolling Pia next. Which can’t happen as my heart just couldn’t take it.

The next day Harry was thrilled to have Janine’s scalp in his collection like a munted Hannibal Lector. The rest of the tribe lazed about – Abbey not keen on having another bean, don’t tell John – while Harry decided that Luke is the last person left that could beat him in the final two, and as such, needs to go. He pulled Abbey and Baden aside to lock in the vote against Luke, and then quickly lined up the back-up target of Pia should he win another immunity. Given they can all see that she was the mastermind behind the boss lady. Speaking of Pia she wasn’t feeling it after losing her island bestie, though focused on her family who she was fighting for. She then put a smile on her dial, pretended to be happy and got to work winning people back without them noticing that she is coming for revenge.

She knew that Luke was her best shot, so huddled with him in the shelter and assured him that she has no desire to vote him out and as such, is his best bloody shot at staying in the game. He assured Pia that she has nothing to worry about as he knows he will be booted the moment he doesn’t have immunity or an idol. As such he went searching for another idol and after days of meandering the jungle, finally spotted a clue hidden in the tree. It led him to the other end of the beach where another clue was hidden within a coconut. This in turn led him back to camp to grab a machete before heading back to the coconut where he learnt that he didn’t find an idol and instead, won the power to send someone out of tribal council before the vote which makes them safe and robs them of the right to vote. At the final five. Which is fucking huge.

My dear Jonathan and his guns of steel returned for the latest immunity challenge where everyone would stack dominos along a beam tethered to a trip obstacle, with the first person to stack their dominos and have them clang – is clang the right word? – into a gong snatching immunity. Harry and Abbey got out to an early lead, while Luke trailed closely behind. Luke dropped three blocks, followed by Harry dumping a bunch handing Abbey the lead, with Baden close behind. Everyone kinda caught up, while Abbey, Baden and Pia tried to respace their blocks to give them a shot at victory. Baden then knocked all of his off the beam, allowing Abbey the chance to snatch victory however she didn’t space hers enough bringing it down to a fight between Luke and Pia, with Luke actually snatching a record equalling individual immunity.

Back at camp Harry was super grumpy about Luke’s winning streak, knowing full well that he and his fake son don’t stand a chance against him in the final two. He and Abbey went for a walk to lock in the plan B to take out Pia, with Harry sure that there is no way she will win anything and as such, will not help them get rid of Luke. Baden joined the duo and they all locked in the plan, worried about getting caught and then straight up giving each other pinky promises under the watchful eye of Pia and Luke. Pia laughed about them clearly planning to vote her out, though vowed not to go down without a fight. Unaware that she was charming the shit out of her biggest hope.

Abbey caught up with Luke, completely unaware that he knows she is gunning for him and Pia. He assured Baden, Harry and Abbey that he was with them until the end, though he was hopeful that he would be able to swing something to save Pia. He approached her and promised that no matter how it looks at tribal council, to trust him and she will be safe. He told us that his plan is to send Baden back to camp and force Harry into turning on Abbey with him and Pia. Knowing they needed to lull her into a false sense of security, Pia and Luke approached Abbey to float getting rid of Harry. Pia said she would be putting her acting skills to use at tribal, Abbey was unaware of the plot against her and Luke was honestly so far down a rabbithole that he worried that he would end up blindsiding himself.

Again, like a fucking icon.

At tribal council Luke interrupted Jonathan’s praise of his immunity streak by standing up, handing over the note and immediately sending Baden straight back to camp. He exited in utter confusion, thrilled to make it to the final four but shocked about what will go down in his absence. Abbey and Harry were shocked about the turn of events, while Pia pretended to be disappointed that he didn’t choose to save her. Luke then started whispering to Pia, which made Harry and Abbey nervous, though Harry admitted that it is unlikely that Luke would leave his plan to the very last minute and as such, it was all for show. Jonathan tried to rub salt in their wounds about being left out, leading to Luke whispering to Abbey while Pia whispered that Harry was awesome.

Sensing his imminent doom, Harry started to burn everything down and told them all that Luke is in control and unbeatable. He then mentioned that there is one way that they can save themselves, unaware that he is only burning himself given Luke isn’t going to flip on Pia to keep a fellow immunity threat around. Pia reminded everyone that staying focused on Luke is forcing others to make stupid decisions, while Luke said that only one person needs to worry this tribal council and it is about time they take the garbage out. Pia admitted that she is kind of shocked to potentially making it through the tribal and Harry tried to remind everyone that he is not the biggest threat left in the game.

With that the tribe voted and Luke and Pia’s hail Mary plan worked perfectly, with Abbey voting Harry, Harry voting Pia and Pia and Luke banding together to blindside Abbey from the game. And impressing the hell out of the jury with their flashy move. While she was overshadowed by her former closest allies Pia and Janine’s dominant games, she formed one third of Australian Survivor’s answer to the Black Widow Brigade and that is something that makes me immensely proud. Particularly after she blindsided her childhood hero and one of the aforementioned closest allies slash queens. In any event, she did me proud and surprisingly I told her that, took her in my arms and gave her a clearly island appropriate bowl of Abbean Holmes Soup. Despite the fact she wished to never eat another bean.

 

 

Essentially flavoured just like a can of refried beans, this isn’t going to be something that everyone loves. But if you love refried beans like Ab (used to) and I, roll right up. Earthy, spiced and pack with simple charm, this baby proves that sometimes plain(ish) can be your favourite flavour.

Enjoy!

 

 

Abbean Holmes Soup
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
2 onions, diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 tomatoes, diced
2 chipotles in adobo
800g canned pinto beans, rinsed and drained
1L chicken stock
1 tbsp thyme leaves
a small handful coriander leaves, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste
100g queso fresco, crumbled

Method
Heat a good lug of olive oil in a dutch oven and place over medium heat. Add the onions and sweat for five minutes, or until soft and sweet. Add the garlic, tomatoes and chipotles, and cook for another couple of minutes. Add the pinto beans and cook off any excess liquid from the rinsing before adding the chicken stock. Bring to the boil, reduce to low and simmer for half an hour, stirring infrequently.

Once the liquid has reduced to be just under the solids, add the herbs and cook for a further five minutes. Remove from heat, season and blitz until smooth.

Return to the heat and cook for another five minutes, adding some extra stock if it is too thick. Serve, top with queso and devour through the tears of your life.

 

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Mattella Farrownies awaiting a crestfallen Matt Farrelly after he became the eleventh boot of Australian Survivor.

Mattella Farrownies

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor David and Luke were left alone on the new Champions tribe and while they navigated some early tribals, Shaun was stolen to their tribe and reunited the Contenders. This meant the boys had to both play their idols at the next tribal council and while thankfully David found another one, that doesn’t guarantee both of their safety for very long. Meanwhile the new Contenders tribe was dominated by Champions with Harry pitting himself against JaQueen, which is a more rookie mistake than anything Andy comes up with. This lead to the Champs throwing the immunity challenge to flush his idol out and knock him down a peg, which meant poor Casey sadly became collateral damage.

We checked in with Champions that night with John talking non-stop about the erotic nature of a mexican parmigiana, filling Daisy and Shaun with joy and my basement. Well, let’s just say it was well and truly flooded.

The next morning Harry was casing the Contenders beach in the hopes of finding himself a second idol, while Ross and Abbey watched the sunrise. JaQueen checked in with Harry to see if he ever slept, not so subtly letting him know that everyone can see through his searching. The tribe then sat around to have breakfast while Harry commenced his hunt once again, with Ross thankfully deciding it was critical to follow him to ensure that he doesn’t find it. Ross returned to the Holy Trinity of Pia, Abbey and JaQueen to share that he sadly lost Harry, while Simon walked right past the idol clue completely unaware. As Harry continued to search without a care in the world, he finally spotted the clue and mother fucker, it directed him to it being hidden high up in the shelter. Matt stumbled upon the scene and Harry asked that he help him get the tribe out of camp so that he can snatch the idol and try and use it to save themselves.

Back at the Champions tribe David was tucking his idol in like the total zaddy that he is, thankful that he has had a tumultuous run, as it will mean a great story should he make it to final tribal. While he and Luke hung out at camp, they watched the rest of the tribe shamelessly hunting for the idol in the shore, laughing at the futility of their search. While he was confident with his idol, David knew he had to smooth things over with Shaun so pulled him aside to float the idea of working together after the merge due to the fact they will quickly become the targets. Shaun shared this intel with Andy and John, before vowing to us to slit Dave’s throat when he least expects it. Which sounds super aggressive when you write it, so let’s go with take him out. Oh and Harry snatched the idol back at the Contenders beach. Womp womp.

Jonathan, his guns and the Tower of Terror returned for the latest reward challenge where the tribes would be blindfolded at the top of the tower, walk a plank, snatch a ring, dive into the ocean and chuck their ring on a peg. First tribe to three snatching victory in the form of a pub visit, complete with a parma and pint. Luke and Harry went first with Luke making quick work of the beam, diving in and landing his ring just as Harry belly flopped Monika style. Janine and Baden were next to face off with JaQueen tragically missing her shot, giving Baden another chance to score a point for his tribe. Abbey started to break down atop the tower while Andy and Ross faced off, with Andy axing himself as he belly flopped and King Ross slightly closing the gap. Pia and John went next with the Looking for Alibrandi icon struggling without the ability to see as John secured victory for the tribe, and more importantly, parma for himself. As is oft the case, Jonathan then gave the victors the chance to steal someone to share the spoils with them tragically giving Harry a feed to go with his second idol.

Back at camp the Contenders were feeling miserable, with Matt realising that he is the Michael Jordan in this twisted version of Space Jam. And just like that, I love him again. The OG Champs sat around eating some beans while poor Matt loitered around waiting for his one, albeit shitty friend to return. Meanwhile over at the reward site, the Champs were giddy to find a couple of freshly tapped kegs and a table full of parmas. This made Zaddy John the happiest he has ever been, though sadly not happy enough to strip off for a celebratory nudie run. While I sulked on my coach, Harry filled everyone in on what went down at the previous tribal council and pointed out that the Champions are impenetrable. Which made Luke and David super awkward. Harry continued to charm his former friends, suggesting they all start calling JaQueen the godmother to piss her off. Harry and Shaun then caught up by the shore with Daisy and a loitering Andy, with Harry keeping the intel about his idol quiet to get them thinking about throwing a challenge to secure the numbers ahead of the merge.

Speaking of thrown challenges, Jonathan returned for next immunity challenge with Andy super smug about taking control for his fellow Contenders. The challenge involved the tribe sliding from a tower to collect numbers, then using said numbers to release a hammer which they use to smash four targets to release bags of puzzle pieces … which the remaining pair use to solve said puzzle and snatch immunity. Matt got the Contenders out to an early lead snatching two while Daisy barely snatched one. Simon too grabbed two leaving the rest to just enjoy the slide while the Champs tried to close the gap. When it came to smashing the targets the Contenders only extended their lead, despite the valiant efforts of David and John. Pia and Harry commenced work on the puzzle with Baden and Andy trying to close the gap. Well Baden was at least, as Andy desperately tried to waste his time and throw the challenge with the subtlety of his arrogant confessional style. As Pia and Harry powered ahead, Baden tried to work against Andy’s obvious lack of interest. He then started throwing pieces on the ground and started to piss off his own allies too while Baden valiantly overcame the deficit and somehow managed to secure immunity singlehandedly for the tribe.

Back at camp the tribe were lamenting their losses, while JaQueen was pragmatic about it, grateful that at least the loss meant that they could get rid of the threat in the form of Harry. Particularly since he is targeting her. Sadly for her, she didn’t believe that Harry has an idol so planned to load all the votes on him and get rid of him. Meanwhile Harry and Matt caught up at the shelter with Harry letting him know about the idol, and after deciding that Janine has an idol, he decided to target Pia instead. He and Matt then decided that they need to try and get Simon and Ross on board to avoid burning their idol. Matt approached Simon, who admitted that before the tribe swap he was a sitting duck which lead to Matt pushing hard for him to make a move before he ends up in fifth place. Sadly for him though, he has made it obvious he is very anti Champion, so I don’t know that he is an enticing proposition.

Harry then worked on Ross, with the King wanting to know what the hell Harry offers any of them. While Ross did admit to wanting to shake things up, Harry wasn’t convinced so he started to fake cry by the shore about losing the shot at his dream. This obviously touched sweet Ross, who felt bad about screwing Harry’s idol find, or so he thought, and even offered to get voted out instead. Ross approached JaQueen and Abbey to let them know about Harry’s (fake) breakdown, with the girls feeling far less sympathetic than Ross. As it grew closer to tribal council Pia started to get nervous about the vote ahead, since she isn’t feeling nervous and I hope she knows that she should feel nervous. You follow?

At tribal council Matt and Harry each popped a stick in their mouths before the latter spoke about his love for Janine and wanting to play against her as one of the strongest players in the game. JaQueen deflected his compliment, before Pia admitted that they are frenemies and that she may not want to go up against him yet. Janine spoke about the different ways in which all the members of the alliance lead and shared that she is really gutted that they lost the immunity challenge. Matt piped up to talk about how frustrating it is to be back at tribal council given the former Champions have an easy path to the merge, while he and Harry are kinda screwed. JaQueen pointed out that Harry is a cockroach, which is a compliment, before the Champs agreed that if everything goes to plan, Harry will finally be exterminated. Matt then said that that still doesn’t make him feel very safe, which made the girls feel nervous.

Harry then interrupted proceedings to ask the boys to come aside and identify one of the girls to vote out and become an alliance of four with no one on the top. Matt jumped in to point out that he spoke to Simon and found out that he is definitely on the bottom of his alliance, while Ross appeared to almost be convinced given his love of Harry’s socks. With that that tribe voted as Ross kinda loudly whispered that Matt and Harry would be voting for Pia, while Harry was super cocky while playing his second idol which then lead to JaQueen pulling her idol out of her pocket. The votes rolled in with Harry negating three and the remaining piling up on Pia and Matt. The tribe then revoted and thankfully – because I am passionate about Pia – poor Matt found himself exiting the game.

While he is full of bravado, Matt is straight up one of the sweetest men I have ever met. Speaking of met, we’ve known each other for years crossing paths at a wrestling match. I was drawn to see someone going by the name of Wahlberg hoping for a bit of Boogie Nights action in some lycra and while it was far less sexy that I hoped, I found a true friend as we bonded over a love of history. Given how close we are, I knew there was one thing that would take him straight out of his post-boot funk – Mattella Farrownies.

 

Matt Farrelly hoping that a tray of Mattella Farrownies will dull the pain of becoming the eleventh boot of Australian Survivor.

 

This Nigella number is quite possibly the quickest, easiest sweet you could possibly make. Add to that, the fact that it is insanely delicious and you’d be mad not to whip it up if your friend is heartbroken to not make the jury. Even when you reassure them that you would still date them, despite the loser status.

Enjoy!

 

Mat Farrelly hoping that a tray of Mattella Farrownies will dull the pain of becoming the eleventh boot of Australian Survivor.

 

Mattella Farrownies
Serves: 1 sad wrestler and his friend that wants him to love him.

Ingredients
8 large eggs
kosher salt, to taste
500g Nutella
1 tbsp icing sugar, to dust

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Crack the eggs into your stand mixer with and a good pinch of salt, and beat until stiff peaks form. About five minutes or so.

Meanwhile, decant the Nutella into a microwave dish and heat for a minute, or until it is lightly warmed and a bit more malleable. Still whisking the eggs, pour the nutella into the bowl in a slow, continuous stream until it is just combined.

Transfer the batter into a lined 30x30cm baking tin, and cook for 15-20 minutes, or until dry on the top but set-yet-tender in the middle.

Leave to cool completely in the tin before carving up, dusting with icing sugar and devouring. Preferably off the torso of a tall, bleach blonde man.

 

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A delicious Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl waiting for our sixth boot.

Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Breakfast, Main, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor the poor Champions weren’t really living up to their name, nailing the reward challenges and bombing the immunity challenges. This sent them to three of the first four tribal councils, and while the athletes alliance took early control of the tribe, Queens Janine and Pia, along with David and Luke masterfully played to Abbey and Ross’ sensibilities and flipped them, taking control and sending Susie and Nova out of the game. Janine and Shaun found idols on their respective beaches however they sadly were only good for the other tribe. Janine shared the intel with David who asked to take her note, made a fake idol and traded it with Shaun’s real one, giving him and his two allies idols and poor, beautiful land mermaid Shaun with none. Once again the Champions lost immunity and despite David’s overconfidence grating on his tribe – allies and enemies alike – he managed to convince everyone to get rid of Steven.

We dropped in on the Contenders the next day where John was flooding my basement in a speedo, playing cricket – handling a bat and ball with imense skill – twerking (kinda) and being fucking hot. And that is before he got nude again and oh god, I can’t take it – I love him.

Back at the Champions tribe Ross too was being a total cutie, running around in the shore entertaining the tribe – I think trying to fish – showering by the well and receiving offers to sleep with Janine. Since she loves his smile, which is the oldest line in the book. He continued to make everyone laugh with his positive attitude, and that is before literally burning Steven’s spirit out of his jocks. Not as jovial are poor E.T. and someone called Simon we’re yet to hear from, fetching food and trying to prove their worth while seething about David’s control over the tribe given he is a babe. As attractive as he is, why am I still more turned on by John? Swoon.

But back to E.T. and Simon, they vowed not to give up and to get in with the other Champs to try and find a way out of their predicament. E.T. then went fishing with Ross and oh shit, I hope that isn’t all that he has planned. We then got a little break with superfan icon Queen Pia, who is so proud of everything that she has achieved in the game so far, despite missing her family. She also outlined her women’s alliance within her larger majority and oh damn, I didn’t think I could love her any more than I do now.

Over at the Contenders tribe Shaun was looking beautiful, even while getting his eyebrows plucked by a random girl who I think is Casey but has been too buried by the edit. Sadly poor beautiful Shaun was so proud of his perfect idol trade out and I worry that is going to come back and bite him. Because he and John need to get together.

Jonathan arrived for the first reward challenge of the week – where David’s nips were looking great – with the tribes playing tug-o-war, with the first tribe to three securing burgers. However not a Nova Peris Peri Chicken Burger, which is really a pivot. The first round saw David, Luke and Abbey face off against Shaun, Matt and Sarah, with the Champions taking the first point. Harry, Hannah and Sam were then defeated by Pia, Janine and E.T. before Shaun, Harry, Sarah and Sam got their first point on the board, crushing E.T. Janine, David and Janine. Harry, John, Matt and Shaun – who looked so damn good – evened things up with a hard fought battle against David, Ross, Simon and Luke. It came down to Shaun versus Ross and TBH, I am worried for poor Ross’ health and I hope he is ok. Wait, no, Shaun tripped and Ross won the reward and seeing him lifted over his tribe’s shoulders is honestly the most pure thing I’ve ever witnessed. To make things even more heartwarming, Jonathan allowed them to invite a Contender to join them selecting Baden … who was allowed to select a friend to go with him, rewarding Shaun for his killer effort. Oh and THEN they got beers too.

The Champions arrived at camp, giddy at the site of the burger supplies – and all the fixin’s – except for David who was worried that his lies were all about to come crashing down. Baden was completely adorable, cheering for the Champions and then trying to explain to Ross what he studies … and dare I say it, a new ship is born. Luke then quietly seethed about Shaun getting fed and potentially leading his tribe to victory at the next immunity challenge. Back at the Contenders the tribe were lamenting their loss and missing out on yet another reward, though were thankful that Baden rewarded Shaun for his efforts. Knowing that he will be an asset in the immunity challenge.

We returned to the Champions tribe where Shaun continued to unwittingly terrify David, with the latter deciding to double down on his lies by saying the idol is the only reason that he is still in the game and Steven is out. Poor Shaun truly believed his idol is real, and I am so concerned about his safety. Wait, no, maybe David should be nervous, given Abbey noticed him buddying up to Shaun and thought that maybe he should go sooner rather than later. With Queen Pia backing it up and ready to strike while his ego is at its biggest.

Seriously? Queens.

The tribes arrived to meet Jonathan on a beach where the Tower of Terror was making a return, meaning Casey is about to tap out of the challenge in three, two … wait, what? She is competing as one of the two members standing on a plank over the edge of the tower, with three people tasked with holding each of them up one-by-one with the last tribe to have someone perched atop the tower winning. Harry and Sarah kicked things off for the Contenders, keeping Casey and Baden on top of the tower while David and E.T. were busy keeping Pia and Simon up. Sarah was the first to trade out, giving her rope to Shaun while Harry soon followed, trading out to Daisy who soon gave it to Zaddy John, who tragically found boardshorts. Meanwhile at the top of the tower Casey was trying to get to know everyone, chatting away to Baden and Pia while once again, Simon’s voice was completely ignored.

David then swapped out with Abbey while poor Zaddy John struggled with his rope. Abbey passed off to Luke before Zaddy John couldn’t hold out any longer, dropping poor Baden into the drink. Who was super happy about it, despite the reminder that Kiwi Jeff has moved on to another show while Survivor NZ has been cancelled. Anyway E.T. finally handed his rope off to Janine, who quickly passed it out to Ross leaving the Champions on their last legs, while Shaun still had Matt to support him. Back at the top of the tower Casey was being iconic, asking Pia and Simon whether David actually played an idol at the previous tribal council, outing his lies and making things awks for the Champions. Shaun finally passed off to Matt before Ross dropped Simon in the water mid chat, leaving Matt and Luke to battle it out to keep Casey and Pia up top to gossip. Despite almost dropping, Luke dug deep and pulled Pia up before ultimately dropping handing the Contenders yet another immunity. Though Matt didn’t make himself any friends over at the Champions with his arrogant celebrations.

Back at camp the Champions were well and truly over losing yet another challenge, though did rally around to give each other a hug and congratulating them on trying so hard. Everyone started to feel bad for poor E.T. and Simon, except for David who thought it was hilarious. David then wandered around chatting to his allies, locking in their votes for E.T. and making jokes about him going home. Get it? E.T. going home.

Sadly for him E.T. wasn’t going to take his exit lying down, approaching Abbey to see whether she would be willing to switch back to him and Simon to get rid of anyone else. She then sat with Pia, upset to have to vote out one of the two delightful men that are on the outs before talking to David who tried to keep her calm and then pivoted to suggesting they get rid of Pia instead. This spooked the girls who spoke about turning on David, with Pia not wanting to take a strike at him unless she was guaranteed at him going home. And given how damn confident he is heading off to tribal, he really should be worried.

At the aforementioned tribal David and Abbey were lamenting how strong they were all feeling going into the challenge however still ended up here. E.T. spoke about being on the chopping block, leading to Jonathan pointing out that David said they’d be having a fresh start after booting Steven, making him feel like a liar. E.T. then gave his last pitch to the tribe, highlighting how bloody lovely he is and how he wants to have the chance to prove his leadership to the tribe by giving them the direction in the immunity challenges. David agreeing challenge contribution is important, how given they’ve been losing with E.T. here, it clearly isn’t making a difference and as such, he needs to focus on other things. Jonathan got shady, asking Ross and Abbey whether they’re going to be good foot soldiers and vote out either Simon and E.T. leading to Abbey breaking down about how much both men mean to her.

Simon then got his first monologue, pointing out that he is strong in challenges and would love the opportunity to be a foot soldier for the alliance. Janine then spoke about their alliance being stronger than the athletes because theirs wasn’t thrown together in a rush. Janine than admitted that she trusts people to different extents, while Ross agreed that there would definitely be smaller groups within their alliance while Jonathan finally for David to utter the phrase ‘do as you’re told’ as they headed off to vote. Where poor E.T. was given his marching orders, or escape, if you will.

As you may know, I am quite a big deal in the rugby league community – my dad played three, yes three, first grade games for the Roosters and I am the marketing genius who suggested bringing out Tina for a series of ads with Zaddy E.T. running around in a speedo. Given it was the ‘80s, I never acted on my feelings for E.T. but during the shoot he took my breath away and I did what every closeted kid did, befriended him and became his biggest supporter. While there was a period of a few years when I stopped talking to him as he started Escape – I hate seafood and fishing bores me – we reconnected and have been the best of friends ever since. E.T. was thrilled to see me working away in loser lodge, ran into my arms and gave me the biggest, warmest hug I can remember. He then noticed a purple stain on his shirt and honestly, the smile that appeared over his face was too pure for this world as he realised I had whipped him up a delicious Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl.

 

Andrew Ettinghausen demolishing his Australian Survivor sixth boot Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl

 

While I generally subscribe to the Ron Swanson, all the bacon and eggs breakfast school of thought, I will give E.T. a pass – footy pun, mate – and let him have an acai bowl. I mean, it is delicious after all, despite being healthy, and he is such a sweet, sweet man. Like an acai bowl.

Enjoy!

 

Andrew Ettinghausen demolishing his Australian Survivor sixth boot Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl

 

Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
200g acai berry puree
2 bananas, frozen
½ cup Greek yoghurt
berries, bananas, coconut etc. to garnish

Method
Chuck the puree, bananas and yoghurt in a high powdered blender and blitz until completely smooth.

Pour into a bowl, top with whatever fruit/berries you desire and devour. Smugly, knowing you’re being super healthy.

 

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A sickly sweet Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler waiting for fifth boot Steven Bradbury.

Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor the Monika Radulovic memorial Tower of Terror challenge returned to wreak havoc on poor tsunami survivor Sarah, after Casey dived out of the challenge quicker than Sarah dived off a balcony into the tsunami to save her life. Obviously the Champs took out victory, which they were allowed to share with someone from the other tribe and selected Zaddy John given how he supported Sarah through the trauma. Janine found a clue to an idol amongst the loot, however upon finding it learnt that said idol was only for a Contender to play at a Contender tribal council, and the corresponding Champion idol is in the same place on the Contenders beach. After Pia and Luke got tangled up in the immunity challenge, ultimately leading to the Champion’s loss. Back at camp things got heated with Steven tantrumming about Abbey for playing the game, calling her weak and making her cry. This led to everyone rallying around the AFL play before blindsiding him and sending his closest ally Nova from the game.

Leading to the best post-boot comment from Jonathan, noting that he once again skated through to victory. Fucking iconic.

Things were going downhill the next at Camp Champ where Nova’s Kitchen was tragically under new management and while Ross tried to impress everyone with his delivery service, nobody seems thrilled by his efforts. Though let’s be honest, he did do a killer job on cooking up a pair of shoes. Needless to say, he “is Nova it.”

We checked in with the Contenders where beautiful Shaun was feeling down, missing his son’s fifth birthday. And what I wouldn’t give to give him a hug. Thankfully, I guess, he found a good friend in Daisy, who helped him draw a birthday message on the sand while sharing stories of how much they miss their families. So you know today’s reward is going to be for some form of love, no? Before we get a chance to find out, Shaun discovered the Contenders equivalent of the hidden immunity idol Janine found the day before and despite it being of no use to him – yet – he felt good. Being a sweet, stunning man, he immediately decided to pass it off to one of the Champions, and hoped that it will get him in good should they meet up.

Back at Camp Champ Steven was still floating on shock after surviving tribal council at the expense of his closest ally. He decided that the most important thing was making friends, so started working on his social game. Which involved telling David that he was shocked at how bigger role the social game plays, leading to a thorough roasting from the model. Sadly David seemed to be getting a bit too confident in his position and honestly, that makes me so nervous. He decided that the one thing he needs to complete his top dog status is an idol and that Janine would be his key to getting one. Before he had a chance to confront her about the idol, she pulled him aside and filled him in on the stipulations, and together they formulated a plan to orchestrate a trade off at an upcoming challenge.

With that Jonathan was manifested for the reward challenge where they would face off in a game of football in the shadows, with two kickers stood on podiums awaiting the ball to kick a goal. It was for fish and chips, so everyone was positively thrilled however let’s be honest, three footballers vs. one makes it a no brainer for the Champs, right? Shaun, John, Matt and Andy faced off against E.T, Luke, David and Simon, and while Shaun was first to the ball, Simon scored the first point for the Champs. Baden, John, Sam and Sarah were then defeated by Steven, Janine, Ross and Abbey. David, Simon, E.T. and Pia went 3-0 against Shaun, John, Daisy and Matt. Shaun, Daisy, Sam and Hannah lost the next point, this time to Simon, Janine, Pia and Abbey but again, we’re the winners, watching Shaun and Simon wrestling with the former’s speedos getting plenty of airtime. Luke, David, Steven and Simon, finally lost a point to Andy, John, Shaun and Matt. More importantly David and Shaun had a little pow wow on their way off the course, telling each other about the idols and promising to trade them tomorrow. The Champions then won the final point and may I add, I predicted it.

The Champions were overwhelmed to discover a shack by the beach with a table fully laden with fish, chips, and if Jeff were here, all the fixings. Mid-gorge David discovered newspapers in the corner featuring them and their starring achievements, the highlights being David’s white speedos, the headline of Last Man Standing after Steven won the Gold medal and E.T. in his speedo with my love Tina Turner. We also learnt that Luke has a six week old daughter waiting for him back at home, who they tragically learnt had cystic fibrosis just before heading out to the island and I can’t stop crying.

We checked back in with the Contenders where Shaun was second guessing his mid-challenge chat with David, worried he won’t follow through. He spoke to Daisy and she assured him the risk was worth it. So why do I feel so nervous? Right on cue, that night we went back to Camp Champ where Janine told David she wanted to keep the idol in case of a swap – Queen – leading to David coming up with plan B, fashioning a fake idol and taking Janine’s note to help sell it is real. While it is a great plan, if it gets Shaun booted, I will riot. Plus David calling himself a golden God in celebration isn’t cute, despite being accurate.

Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where Shaun and David handed over their real and fake idols respectively. They then learnt that seven tribe members will be locked in cages, with the rest of the tribe racing through obstacles to rescue them … before releasing sandbags, solving a puzzle and then knocking the completed puzzle off the ledge with the sandbags. Matt and John got the Contenders out to a slight lead, which was quickly destroyed as the Champions picked up momentum with every person they collected. Eventually they all caught up at the puzzle where Baden and Andy made quick work of the puzzle, overtaking Ross and Abbey, giving Andy a huge advantage when it came to knocking the blocks back off. Try as Abbey might, she was no match for Andy who once again secured immunity for the Contenders.

The mood was ridiculously sombre back at camp, with the tribe sick of losing, none more so than E.T. who is sick of people blowing the lead he gives them. Time after time. David seemed to be the only one smiling, telling Janine about his successful fake for real idol trade before doubling down on the cocky speak, making me so damn nervous. The alliance then decided to split the vote, nervous that Steven has an idol despite their alliance having three in the first two weeks. David approached E.T. and Simon, telling them to vote for Steven. Well actually strong-armed, making Pia, Abbey and Janine nervous that E.T. and Simon will now try something to counteract the arrogance.

As you would expect E.T. was pissed and decided that they should approach Ross to try and get him to flip back to him, Simon and Steven and get rid of Pia. Sorry E.T, I now hope you fail. Which seems likely because Pia watched them try and recruit Ross. She then approached Janine and David to share her suspicion that Ross will flip, and tried to get them to stack all the votes on Steven instead of splitting and risking one of them – likely her – going home.

At tribal council E.T. reiterated that he is sick of the tribe choking mid-challenge while Steven, David and Luke whispered about the upcoming vote and who they planned to target. E.T. wasn’t thrilled about the talk, concerned that it meant he would be next on the chopping block. Ross then put his hand up and said that he deserves to go home after botching the challenge before Steven said that if the vote was based on the challenge, it would definitely mean that he, Simon and E.T. would be safe tonight. While he and David started to throw shade at each other, Pia spoke up and said that she believes there is a target on her back tonight. This lead to Steven saying she has been carried through the challenges, which she found frustrating and pointed out all the times that she has been better than others in the challenges. Talk then turned to who was in charge of the alliance, with them all agreeing that they have a voice and hope to move past the tension tomorrow. Steven then alluded to having an idol or Ross forgetting who to vote for, making Abbey, Pia, Janine, Luke and David extremely nervous as they headed off to vote.

Thankfully for Queen Pia, everyone held firm and poor Steven was iced from the tribe. I mean, couldn’t skate through. I mean, you’ll have an ice time at Ice World. Fuck – I’m going down an ad rabbit hole. Despite the minor shade I’ve been sending Steven’s way, I love him dearly, having met at Brisbane’s aforementioned Ice World. While he was learning to speed skate, I was training to become a figure skater. While I was banned from the sport after an epic on-ice tantrum after botching a triple axel – failing to land one – Steven took me under his wing and we became the best of friends, lovingly ribbing each other ever since. I mean, I wouldn’t make a Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler if I didn’t love the icon.

 

teven Bradbury about to inhale my Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler.

 

Thankfully I made something aggressively sweet to dull the pain of Australia’s Gold medalist turned walking verb’s boot. A sweet, sticky pool of berries, topped with spiced, fluffy donuts are the only thing to cheer up our fallen – no pun intended, but super glad it worked out this way – icon. Outside of a Snickers.

Enjoy!

 

teven Bradbury inhaling my Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler.

 

Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
250g blueberries
250g raspberries
200g granny smith apples, cored and diced
200g pears, cored and diced
1 cup muscovado sugar
⅓ cup almond meal
2 tsp ground cinnamon
8 fresh Shannen Doughertynuts, halved horizontally
Vanilla Ice Cream, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

Combine the berries, apple, pear, sugar, meal and cinnamon in a large bowl and transfer into a baking dish, leaving a couple of centimetres from the top. Cover with foil and bake for half an hour, or until the apples and pears are tender. Arrange the doughnuts on top, to form an homage to a checkered roof.

Return to oven for 20 minutes or golden and crisp. Leave to rest for 5 minutes before serving, covered in mountains of Vanilla Ice Cream.

 

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A delightful third boot Cheesie Marisoni with Spinach and Garlic

Cheesie Marisoni with Spinach and Garlic

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Main, Pasta, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor the new Champs and Conts – errr, I mean Contenders – met in the Fijian jungle, with the Champs living up to their name by taking out two of the first three challenges, sadly for them, however that one loss was the first immunity. This led to the athletes banding together due to their auto majority, opting to get rid of iconic Roxette impersonator Anastasia. Well and truly on the outs, Luke found his first ever idol clue, which he, David, Pia and Janine plan to use to woo Ross and Abbey to their side and take control. Before we could find out whether they were successful, they snapped up the second immunity sending the Contenders to tribal council where sweet Baden survived against all odds and the sweet, spunky Laura heading home.

Things were looking up the next morning at the Contenders tribe where sexy, sexy John decided to do a nudie run and hot damn, I am moister than an oyster. Or sea cucumber, which he picked up on his travels, much to the disgust of his fellow tribemates. Speaking of those tribemates, I think Hannah is still yet to utter a word and I worry about her and want her in our lives ASAP.

Meanwhile over at the Champions Susie was having a bit of a wake-up call, shocked by how dirty they all are, the lack of food and the misery that comes from sleeping in the rain. While E.T.  continued to push for an Escape With reboot, catching minnows for the tribes. The tribe sat around eating fruit, talking about their lives at home with Queen Janine completely loving the fact that she hasn’t had to make massive decisions for the thousands of people that rely on her to live for a week. And she is zen, her hair is wavy and natural and this icon makes me so damn happy. Oh and she is totally ready to make some deals to break up the athletes alliance and take control. See? She is iconic.

Not to be outdone, Nova continued her push for next year’s Masterchef handing out bananas – fresh from Nova’s Kitchen – to her tribemates. Though the way she was barking out that they aren’t allowed any more, or else, due to rations was grating on Ross. Which, of course, Luke planned to use to his advantage. That night, Ross took time away from his busy snoring schedule to hang out with Luke before stealing an extra banana with which they solidified their loyalty.

The next day the Contenders awoke to take in the sunrise together – John, sadly in pants – before gathering around to share in some breakfast. Daisy and Sam went for a wander through the jungle before realising that Shaun is Megan Gale’s partner, before we learnt more about the zaddy who tragically never reached the pinnacle of his AFL career and how he desperately wants to prove himself. He then did a slow-mo walk down the beach dressed in a speedo, so you know he proved himself to me. Swoon.

My boy Jonathan – and obvi, his guns – arrived for the reward challenge where someone from each tribe would face off in an alley, running at each other to ring their bell at the opposite end. The first to ring their bell snatching a point with the first tribe to five winning a box of mystery comfort items. As is oft the case, Luke and Matt were first to face off with Luke finally getting a win, despite losing his shirt in the process. Daisy and Susie were next to battle it out, with Daisy taking it out despite Susie’s aggressive defense. David and Shaun faced off and while Shaun got the point, we are the true winners because them snuggling is the hottest thing I’ve seen today. Minus John’s butt, obvi. Simon evened things up against Harry, before zaddy John destroyed Bradbury despite taking a fall. Abbey evened things up again, running right past Casey on the way to her point before Baden proved himself a hero, destroying Ross and earning the adoration of his tribe. I love him and I’m crying. Oh and then Shaun returned to the alley to face off against Luke, secured reward for the Contenders and I am still crying. Now because Shaun is so damn beautiful.

Back at camp the Contenders were riding high on their win before even discovering they won a crate of 11 comfort items, with John tasked with handing out an item to each person. Baden got a choccie croissant, Casey got a toothbrush, soap went to Harry, Shaun got tweezers, Andy got moisturiser, the others got rando items and John gave himself a coconut. Andy returned to rant about the breakdown of alliances on their tribe, with Shaun, Daisy, John and Matt in control, Baden, Sarah and Hannah on the bottom and he and the rest stuck in the middle. Though looking to change that.

Meanwhile the Champions were decidedly less chipper after their loss, which David decided was the perfect time to win over Abbey. While he flirted with her and she looked thrilled, it was Simon rubbing sunscreen into his back and TBH, it is my new ship. Luke took a break from trying to find a crack in the athletes alliance to find his idol, pulling in David to help search without being noticed by anyone else. They searched far and wide, walking past a stump that David believed was home to Luke’s idol four times before he finally convinced Luke to have a second look at before they ultimately found it. And hopefully a way to keep themselves, Janine and Pie alive.

Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes had to dig under a log, carry a plank through a series of obstacles, using the plank to see-saw someone to retrieve sandbags before two tribe members throw said bags onto five of their tribemates’ poles. The Contenders went hard at the gate with zaddy John barrelling through before the Champions had even attempted to get anyone under the log. The Contenders moved onto the second obstacle while only Pia and Janine had gotten through the log for the Champions. By the time the Contenders made it to a tower, the Champions had finally gotten their shit together and commenced closing the gap. Well until the got stuck and the Contenders pulled away again and Hannah and Andy landed two bags before the Champions even started throwing them. E.T. and Nova started to close the gap but Andy once again proved too strong at throwing shit, snatching victory for the Contenders almost single handedly.

While I’m impressed by his challenge strength, he is still kinda annoying. I mean, John knows he is amazing and doesn’t need you to get in his face about it.

Back at Camp Champ, Nova was quick to point out that it was Janine’s idea to dig a trench, rather than a hole under the log and as such, she needs to be the next to go. The athletes all got together to discuss how stupid her idea was and how she shouldn’t advise them on athletic pursuits, deeming that enough of a reason to get rid of her. Susie and Steven went for a wander through the jungle, happy with their place in the alliance. Abbey then approached Ross to find out what their plans were, concerned that nobody had bothered to talk to her and ask her opinion.

Meanwhile Luke, Janine and Pia got together to find a way out of their predicament, deciding that Abbey is still the key. With that, Janine and David approached her by the well and Janine spoke about how inclusive and supportive their alliance is and you could see the point that Abbey’s eyes lit up at the prospect of somebody listening to her before suggesting they get rid of Susie instead, since Abbey sees her as weaker than Janine. With that Luke floated Susie’s name with the men, which Steven was quick to dismiss though Ross kinda, sorta did appear conflicted. Luke then decided to return to Abbey who was worried about upsetting the tribe harmony, while David approached Susie to let her know that he would be voting for her in an attempt to rattle her enough to throw a tantrum at tribal.

Speaking of tribal council, Jonathan was quick to throw some shade at their losing ways before I got distracted by David looking hot in his leather jacket, sans shirt. Susie then spoke about how tough the survival aspect is before denying the extremely obvious athlete alliance, that everyone is aware of. Steven dug a hole for himself, admitting to not speaking to Abbey until the day before. E.T. reiterated the importance of keeping the tribe strong before Jonathan asked Janine whether that made her concerned. She said it did, but not as much as the fact that her name was thrown out. She then went in, pointing out that she isn’t the actual weakest link, pushing hard that everyone should vote the weakest, not the weakest that isn’t in their alliance. Abbey loved the team-strong mentality, proving Janine is a damn icon.

Steven spoke about loyalty before Susie spoke about her name being thrown out and David having the hide to tell her that he was voting her out. She then kinda danced around whether she is or isn’t strong, before mentioning Janine’s digging faux pas. Janine pointed out that it was a suggestion that everyone agreed to, which annoyed Nova as she wanted Janine to just admit that she screwed up. Abbey was confused about the vote ahead, Steven said it would be an easy one and Ross shared that he didn’t have a plan, though knew he was voting for. Janine doubled down on her strength and loyalty just before the tribe headed off to vote, which clearly proved very convincing as both Abbey and Ross flipped on the athletes, and Susie was sent from the game.

While I love Susie dearly and dearly, I did tell her how thrilled I was that it Ross and Abbey flipped as I pulled her in for a hug. In retrospect, that was a highly insensitive, cruel thing to do, but the athletes alliance didn’t contain Queen Janine, Pia, David and his beauty or Luke, and as such, I needed something to give. Plus Susie has achieved so damn much in her life, that I knew she wouldn’t let it get her down. Particularly when she has a Cheesie Marisoni with Spinach and Garlic to give her a culinary hug.

 

Susie Maroney smashing her third boot Cheesie Marisoni with Spinach and Garlic

 

You know, or at the very least should be well aware, that I firmly believe that every dish can be improved with the addition of lemon and chilli. I mean, picture it, your belly tonight, risoni bathed in cream with a touch of garlic and spinach. Bit of a womp-womp, right? Now add in the tang of some lemon and a kick of chilli. It’s good right? Real good.

Enjoy!

 

Susie Maroney smashing her third boot Cheesie Marisoni with Spinach and Garlic

 

Cheesie Marisoni with Spinach and Garlic
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
400g risoni
2 tbsp olive oil
4 garlic cloves, minced
salt and pepper, to taste
2 tsp flour
1 tbsp chilli flakes
1 lemon, zested and juiced
1 cup cream
200g baby spinach
½ cup parmesan cheese, plus extra, obvi

Method
Get a pot of salt water on the boil and cook the orzo per the packet instructions. Drain and set aside, hopefully not for too long.

While you’re prepping the pasta, heat a good lug of olive oil in a saucepan and cook the garlic with a good whack of salt and pepper for a minute. Add the flour and chilli, and cook for a further minute. Quickly add the zest and juice and give a good whisk before removing from the heat and slowly whisking in the cream. Reduce heat to low and simmer for five minutes, or until starting to thicken.

Add the spinach and cook until perfectly wilted before stirring through the parmesan. Remove from the heat, fold through the risoni and serve immediately, covered in more parmesan and a good whack of pepper.

Then devour, obvi.

 

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Gazpachjoe Anglim

Main, Snack, Soup, Survivor, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance, Survivor: Edge of Extinction, Survivor: Worlds Apart, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor, nothing evidently happened despite Kama winning immunity again – and Joe avoiding pre-merge tribal council for another season – sending both Lesu and Manu to tribal council to vote out one person, like the tragic Game Changers tribal that cost my love Malcolm his place in the game. While both tribes were locked down tribal lines on the first vote between Lauren and Wendy, the OG Kamas decided Wendy wasn’t worth rocks and flipped to send her to the Edge of Extinction.

But again, nothing happened because we’re going straight to a damn challenge.

Probst brought the three tribes to a field with six challenge set-ups instead of three and quickly welcomed them to the merge. While Gavin was excited to have made the merge, he was nervous about what was waiting for them around the corner … before Probst teased an iconic moment, sharing that they literally need to worry about what is around the corner as Reem, Keith, Chris, Rick, Aubry and Wendy were brought back in. Jeff then filled the merged tribe in on the Edge of Extinction and everyone, hopefully, felt super stupid for not realising something was up given the name of the season.

But we’re not here to make them feel stupid, we’re here for a challenge and damn what a challenge the losers face. They will each climb over an obstacle, complete a jailbreak and then guide a ball through an upright snake puzzle. We then learnt that Keith in fact did choose to disadvantage Chris with extra knots, giving him the advantage and disadvantage on top of potentially tripping on his package. Chris got out to an early lead with the extra knots proving zero difficulty, while Aubry, Rick and Wendy were right behind him. Aubry dominated the jailbreak, making it to the puzzle first, while Chris, Rick, Wendy and Reem followed. Oh and the knots were this section, so everyone got to practice the puzzle, while Chris untied the knots and Keith still struggled with his pole. Wendy was dominating the puzzle and close to the end before her tourettes started to act up, as she dropped just before snatching victory. Chris almost won and then dropped at the last moment before Rick snatched his win and a place on the merged tribe.

The losers rallied around to congratulate him while breaking down over their losses, before Probst filled the merge tribe in on the fact that Extinction would be resetting and they will all have a shot to return. The five remaining losers remained to chat with Probst, as Aubry shared how much Survivor has given her and helped her grow over the years. Reem shared that Survivor was her dream and how hellish extinction was, but how proud she was to not raise the mast. Keith spoke about his pride in not giving up, Wendy felt bad that she didn’t spend as long at extinction while Chris spoke about how he had always wanted to be perfect and extinction taught him that it doesn’t matter and he can just be himself. And now my heart swells like my pants whenever I look at him. They all held each other close before Probst gave them the opportunity to return to the Edge of Extinction and wait for another shot to return, making them all giddy as they accepted the offer once again and I am so glad I can make more jokes about Chris raising my mast. Because he can get it and I need to see him in every damn episode.

We returned to the merge camp where the tribe discovered the feast, which filled Julia with so much joy because of the epic majority and the abundance of food. The tribe found out about life on extinction while Kelley lamented the pain of having Rick, of all people, back despite the fact Reem hated her so much more. On the flip side Julie found a bond with Rick and wanted to work with him and help him avoid going back to extinction, since she never wants to go there herself

Speaking of extinction Chris, Aubry and Reem huddled together as Keith and Wendy approached the flag and HOT DAMN WE HAVE SOME QUITS! After arriving back, they realised that they could not be fucked waiting around for another three weeks and as such, officially became the first and second boots. The other three however, were galvanised and vowed to continue to fight.

Back at the merge tribe Kelley and Lauren caught up to worry about Rick’s return and the fact they need to find some cracks if they want to survive. Speaking of cracks, Kelley pulled Joe aside to see whether this will be the season they can actually pull off an alliance. She questioned whether the Aubry boot made him nervous, with Joe admitting that he, Aubry and Aurora were on the bottom which given basic maths, would say the Manus plus Joe and Aurora should have the majority if they can work together. But hold Kelley’s beer, because she doesn’t trust Rick and David and thinks they will go with the majority. As such, she wants to see Rick go straight back to extinction and approached the Kama women to float the idea. Sadly Julie had zero interest in sending him straight back, so while everyone seemed open to splitting the vote between David and Rick, Julie doesn’t seem like she will play along.

The next day we learnt the tribe settled on Vata as a name before Devens discovered a parcel in his bag, which is a best friend idol which he has to give half away and if they both survive the upcoming tribal council, the pieces join together to form a legit idol. And I think I made it sound more complicated than it is. That night, he approached David and passed off his half of the idol.

My boy Probst returned for the first individual immunity challenge of the season where they would each stand on a narrow beam and balance a statue on the end of a pole. Ron dropped before Probst even finished intro-ing the challenge. He was quickly followed by Gavin before the tribe transitioned to a thinner part of the beam which cost Wardog, Devens and Victoria their shot at immunity. Aurora was taken out by a huge gust of wind before the third phase of the challenge which eventually took out Wentworth. Eric, Julia and David dropped as their transitioned to the narrowest point of the beam, leaving Julie, Joe and Lauren to battle it out for immunity. Out of nowhere Joe dropped, though it appeared quite theatrical … almost like he was throwing the challenge to appear less threatening. In any event Lauren finally dropped after struggling for much of the challenge, handing Julie immunity and damn I have a new Queen to root for.

Back at camp the tribe got to work scrambling, with Kelley continuing to push for Devens and Julie feeling safe enough to instead go for Kelley. She pulled in Victoria who was keen to get another vet out, before Julie approached Devens to say that he and David are safe while everyone else on his OG tribe were desperate to get rid of him. Devens filled in David on the betrayal and that Julie will tell them who to target but that someone from Lesu is likely to go. Ron and Joe caught up, with Joe asking Ron to follow Eric, Julie and Victoria to make sure his name doesn’t come up. His calm demeanor made Ron feel like he was planning to betray him and as such, he wanted the Kama 6 to band together to instead take out Joe as it may be their only chance. While Victoria still though Kelley was the safer option, she floated Ron’s plan with Eric and Gavin and they tried to decide who was best to get rid of first between Kelley and Joe. Julie was the voice of reason, sharing that whatever it is, the six of them need to come to a consensus as the vote will dictate the rest of the came.

At tribal council Joe, Julie, Julia, Ron and Aurora finally got their torches before Probst announced that Reem, Chris and Aubry stayed on extinction and as such would sit on the jury while they await their next bid to return. Julie shared that the game has finally begun for the five people that stayed on Kama, Ron admitted that he will always be Kama strong which made Kelley feel nervous, given she is back on the bottom. Again. Rick admitted that he was confused about the dynamics after being out of the game, while Victoria shared that sending him straight back would be evil and that there are bigger targets to focus on first. This made Joe very nervous as a challenge threat, which she said wasn’t the only threatening thing in the game. Ron felt there were no idols in the game, which Wardog said generally means four will pop up at tribal before Rick felt it was weird back at camp while they should have been scrambling, since Kama was calm and Joe lazed around painting the tribe flag. Ron pointed out that having the majority means you don’t need to scramble, which made Kelley remind them she is used to playing from the bottom which was ominous as they went to vote.

Once again both Lauren and Wentworth held strong and opted out of playing their idols as the first seven votes rolled in between Rick, David and Wentworth, before the final six landed on Joe and he found himself voted out of the game, much to Reem’s chagrin given her shot at returning just got that much worse. Because obviously Joe chose to go straight to extinction and for what feels like the first time in his three seasons, he is angry and has a fire to come back. Which is what I told him to do after jumping out from behind the sign and handing off a thermos of Gazpachjoe Anglim.

 

 

While the residents of Springfield find this chilly soup to be a total failure, this should prove just how majestic it can be. Fresh, zingy and packing a tonne of punch, there is no better meal to sip on whilst waiting on an island while getting abused by Reem.

Enjoy!

 

 

Gazpachjoe Anglim
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
½ cup olive oil
1.5kg tomatoes, halved
3 garlic cloves, crushed
½ tsp ground cumin
½ tsp ground coriander seeds
salt and pepper, to taste
½ cup crustless white bread, cubed
½ tsp demerara sugar
2 tbsp red wine vinegar
1 lebanese cucumber, diced
1 green capsicum, diced

Method
Preheat oven to 200C.

Toss the tomato and garlic through the olive oil, cumin, coriander and a good whack of salt and pepper, and place in the oven to scorch for ten minutes. Remove from the heat and transfer to a blender. Soak the bread in some water for a couple of minutes, before squeezing out the excess liquid and added to the blender with the sugar and vinegar. Blitz until everything is smooth.

Strain the soup into an airtight container and transfer to the fridge to chill for a few hours.

Once ice cold, serve with a sprinkling of cucumber and capsicum and a sprinkle of cumin. Devour.As you can probably tell, we are very

 

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Ricklette Devens

Main, Pasta, Survivor, Survivor: Edge of Extinction, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor Joe and Aubry had only managed to find one friend on the Kama tribe in the form of Aurora, which made her on the bottom with them by default. Meanwhile Manu were struggling to win challenges except for a large chicken reward, which Wendy wanted to let loose to get money from Sia. Despite being the obvious target for that and her injured ankle, Wardog – cringe – got the target off her and Wentworth – who David still wanted to take out – instead turning the tribe on Chris. And thankfully sending him and the beautiful way he fills his boxers to Extinction, rather than off my TV forever.

Sadly for him the welcome party of Reem and Keith weren’t overly supportive of him being booted, given he voted both of them out and they are super salty. Given she is the queen of Extinction, Reem was not feeling sympathetic at all and TBH, I still love her.

The next day we returned to Manu where Kelley pointed out how skinny Wendy is, which was the perfect distraction for returning the flint. Sadly they all realised that Wendy had taken it, pissing off Kelley and Lauren, while she confided in David that she did it to save the chickens. Everyone but Wendy and David pow-wowed on the beach to confirm that she will be the next to go, which obviously led to both tribes joined Probst on a beach for the next challenge. Psyche, it’s time to drop your buffs people! Only it wasn’t much off a swap. The new green tribe – Lesu – is made up entirely of the Manu tribe that wanted to get rid of Wendy, minus Wendy … who was joined on Manu by Aubry, Gavin, Eric and Victoria while Joe, Ron, Julie, Julia and Aurora remained on Kama. So basically All Stars swap that should have been the end of Amber, and instead ended Boston Rob’s friendship with Lex and Kathy.

Which still breaks my heart.

At the reduced Kama tribe they fivesome got to dancing, with Joe feeling a new lease on life given the numbers are down and he can build new relationships while others are away. He and Ron went for a chat by the well to solidify their bond and take control with Aurora. Sadly for Joe it was all a scam on Ron’s part, who pulled him aside to allow Julia to go through his bag and check if he has an idol. And damn, the peppy teacher has game and I live. Oh and we know Joe doesn’t have the idol. At the new Lesu tribe, Manu minus Wendy were hopeful that they could finally win a challenge given things are fairly even now. Though Rick knew that given they have no odd person out, they are screwed and will splinter quickly. We checked in with Kelley, who was struggling by having to start from scratch again until she was distracted by Lauren who was starting to break down, feeling nauseated, exhausted and was missing her supports.

Over at Manu, Wendy gave her new tribemates a tour of the camp and was super cute and lulling everyone into a false sense of security. While Aubry was thrilled to no longer be on the bottom, that disarming charm made her want to work with Wendy. Particularly since she gave them all a complete rundown on her former tribe, pointing out Kelley was the godfather and she and David were out to get each other the entire time. Talk turned to the chickens, with the former Kama members excited to kill one and have a snack and you could see the moment Wendy decided to release them. And with that, she waited until the cover of darkness and set them free. Which surely isn’t going to end well for her.

We returned to the Island of Extinction where Keith and Reem continued to sulk and be bitter about being stuck on their own, with Keith willing the flag to raise with his mind. Keith was still angry with Chris for blindsiding him and while Reem tried to bring him around, poor sweet Chris got introspective and dealt with his need and desire to be perfect. He then walked up the beach in the boxers, glistening in sea water with fish and I just fainted from dehydration.

Back at Manu Eric awoke to discover that the chickens have disappeared, going to Victoria and Aubry to complain about how desperately they wanted food. Sadly for Big Wendy, the chickens skulked about the jungle within earshot, which made the tribe desperate to catch them, kill them and vote out Wendy. Which she said would be better than seeing the chicken eaten.

Before we can see if the chickens are recaught, Probst returned for this week’s immunity challenge where the tribes would have to run over A-frame, pull a crate along a track and open said crate to release puzzle pieces and then, obvi, solve said puzzle. The rain started pouring down making everyone’s lives harder, though Manu managed to get out to an early lead, with Kama close behind and Lesu trailing. Badly. Until the final A-frame, where Lesu managed to close the gap, though not by much. Kama and Manu got to the puzzle neck-and-neck, with Lesu still closing the gap. The puzzle is too hard to tell who is in front, so obviously Kama took out victory as did Manu, just. Sending the tribe with only OG Manus back to tribal.

Back at camp the tribe quickly got to scrambling, despite being heartbroken that they would have to turn on each other after voting together all season. David and Rick went for a walk and decided Kelley has a hidden immunity idol, and as such, they should vote against Lauren. Particularly since she is sick. Speaking of the ladies, they vowed not to turn against each other and identified Rick as the most likely person to flip, deciding to pull in Wardog to take him out. Wentworth approached Wardog, who pointed out that he is in the middle of two pairs, though given he saved Wentworth and turned on his closest ally, I don’t see it as that bigger struggle. He checked in with everyone, with the boys locking in Lauren and the girls set on Rick, while the Wardog was only sure about referring to himself in third person.

At tribal council Probst got the news update from Rick who seemed well aware that he could very much be leaving the game tonight, despite the tribes loves for one another. And respect, which Wardog doesn’t want Probst to forget. Lauren lamented the pain of starting over on a new beach, Wentworth admitted her first two appearances meant nothing and being stuck in the rain is shitty for everyone. She then broke down about how close they’ve gotten and how hard this tribal is and damn, I still love her. Rick echoed the sentiment, Wardog spoke about how despite the pain, he still loves the game. Rick spoke about being scared in life, and hoping that he could work through it thanks to the game. David mentioned how much stronger he is thanks to his first game and putting himself out there. Lauren continued the love in, though admitted that this tribal will see a line drawn in the sand no matter how they feel. David and Kelley said it was one of their most special, saddest tribals before the tribe voted and poor Rick found himself voted out of the tribe and sent to live with the man-god known as Chris and his bitter posse. Because he obviously wasn’t turning down his chance.

I did add a little bit of excitement however, as instead of waiting before the sign and helping Rick make his decision, I jumped out as he was about to board the boat and scared the living hell out of him. But given I gave him a big ol’ bowl of Ricklette Devens to go, he couldn’t hold a grudge.

 

 

Raclette has become a social media champ of late, with its melty goodness and while I avoid that technique here, it is still glorious. Earthy mushrooms, sweet thyme and the punch of raclette mingle together for a mind blowing, simple pasta.

Enjoy!

 

 

Ricklette Devens
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g linguine
2 tbsp butter
500g button mushrooms, sliced
5 garlic cloves, chopped
2 tsp chilli flakes
½ cup dry vermouth
salt and pepper, to taste
2 tbsp thyme, roughly chopped
250g raclette, grated

Method
Cook the pasta as per packet instructions.

While it is getting its rollick on, melt the butter in a large saucepan over high heat. Once foaming, add the mushrooms and cook for five minutes, or until the liquid has reabsorbed. Add the garlic and chilli and cook for a minute before adding the vermouth to deglaze. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low, season and add thyme.

Drain the pasta, reserving a cup of the cooking water. Add the pasta and cheese to the pain and stir to combine, loosening with the cooking water until you get the desired consistency.

Serve and devour.

 

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