Whoopi Goldberg Pies

Baking, Dessert, Emmy Gold, Emmy Gold: Game of Golds, Snack, Sweets

Oy vey – it’s the end of the road. You ready to let go?

Given that we kicked off this year’s Emmy Gold with such an icon, in the form of Reets – followed by Jack, Chevs, Luce and Ty – I knew we could only wrap-up Game of Golds with another EGOT winner. And there is no EGOT winner more iconic than my dear, dear, DEAR friend Whoopi Goldberg.

I first met Whoops in the ‘80s while she was filming The Color Purple. While I was mentoring my girl Oprah at the time, I saw Whoopi as a bright talent and endeavoured to make her a star. She wasn’t convinced Ghost was a good idea, but thankfully I was able to talk her around and well … Oscar came knocking. So, well, you’re welcome Whoops.

But in all seriousness, she has been extremely grateful for the career success I bequeathed her and is eagerly awaiting my screenplay for Sister Act III: Saving Lauryn Hill. In the meantime, she was thrilled to drop by and run the odds for the final time this Emmy season.

For the final time, I’m going to run the odds. So starting with the obvious, Outstanding Limited Series is going to Big Little Lies and Drag Race is taking Reality Competition. I’m praying Black Mirror will take out Outstanding Movie, though Wizard of Lies wouldn’t shock me and Coat of Many Colours would give me life. Saturday Night Live will win Variety for Kate McKinnon’s Hillary, Variety Talk is anyone’s game though I root for Colbert, Atlanta will win Comedy and The Handmaid’s Tale will win Drama.

Or This Is Us. Or Stranger Things. We really couldn’t decide.

Busy work, calls for a bit of a sugar rush, so thankfully Whoops was hella keen for some of her favourite treats – my Whoopi Goldberg Pies!

 

 

The earthiness of the rich chocolate, with the sticky muscovado and the sweet marshmallow filling, work together to fill your heart with joy and stomach with goody, goody, Goody Procter goodness.

Enjoy!

 

 

Whoopi Goldberg Pies
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
2 cups plain flour
½ cup valrhona cocoa powder
1 ¼ tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup buttermilk
1 tsp vanilla
115g unsalted butter, softened
1 cup muscovado sugar
1 egg
200g white marshmallows
30g butter
60g white chocolate, chopped

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Whisk the dry ingredients in a bowl until combined, in another bowl slowly whisking in the buttermilk and vanilla. Then in a third bowl, beat the butter and sugar in a stand mixer for five or so minutes, or until light and fluffy. Add the egg and beat to until combined.

Reduce speed to low and mix in the dry ingredients and buttermilk-vanilla alternating between the two, in threes.

Spoon ¼ cup mounds of batter on a lined baking sheets and baking for ten-fifteen minutes, rotating the trays halfway through. Transfer to a wire rack and allow to cool completely.

While the pies are chillin’, place the marshmallows and butter in a saucepan over low heat, stirring continuously, until smooth and combined. Remove from the heat and stir until combined. Allow to cool completely.

When you’re good to go, spread half the biscuits with icing and sandwich with a bare half. Then, devour – oh happy day!

 

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Thai Chicken Meatburrells

Emmy Gold, Emmy Gold: Game of Golds, Main, Poultry

Tragedy – emmy gold only has another day after today. So two days, for people that struggle with basic maths. Anyway you should thankful, knowing that you’ve got to experience my extremely close connections with these stars AND the fact that my boy Ty Burrell came through with the goods and finally invited me to the Emmys as his date.

I’ve known Ty for close to two decades, after meeting through my friend Eric Bana and torrid lover Josh Hartnett on the set of Black Hawk Down. Between coming up for air from Josh and cracking jokes with Eric about kick-boxing, 24 hours, a day, I found Ty and we bonded over our small town upbringings and inherently funny personalities.

Given Modern Family completely changed his life, Ty and I haven’t been able to hang out as often as we’d like, so he just jumped at the opportunity to have me drop by, catch-up and help run the odds. And offer up his plus one, since I can’t go with Kit Harington this year.

Anyway, while I was very supportive and told him that there is no way anyone would beat him for supporting actor … we all know Alec Baldwin will take it, while Tituss Burgess deserves it. Outstanding Actor in a Comedy Series, however, is probably the most difficult for me to pick. I firmly believe it is a two man race between Aziz and Donald. Since I’ve split writing and directing between the boys, I’m also feeling Actor and Outstanding Comedy will be divided between the two. While I prefer Master of None, I feel Atlanta is poised for most Outstanding Comedy and as such my boy Aziz is going to deliver a hella cute acceptance speech where he can’t believe it all happened.

After that, I was feeling hella confused – picture me as the meme of the woman thinking in priz – so Ty and I needed something warming and hearty to sort out my equilibrium, so I whipped him up a batch of my Thai Chicken Meatburrells.

 

 

Fresh, spicy and packing a whole lot of heat, these babies are the perfect thing to wake you up, soothing your soul and, if you’ve got a sensitive, clear out your system as a pre-show detox. But seriously, these are amazing.

Enjoy!

 

 

Thai Chicken Meatburrells
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
2 tbsp red curry paste
2 tsp minced ginger
5 garlic cloves, minced
½ cup breadcrumbs
small handful of coriander, roughly chopped, plus extra to serve
2 tbsp fish sauce
3 tbsp soy sauce
1 lime, zest and juice
salt and pepper, to taste
2 carrots, julienned
1 can coconut milk
2 cups chicken stock
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
3 red chillis, thinly sliced
½ cup baby corn
¼ cup salted peanuts, roughly chopped
rice noodles, to serve

Method
Combine the mince with 1 ½ tsp red curry paste, minced ginger, 2 cloves of garlic, coriander, 1 tbsp of fish and soy sauces, lime zest and a good whack of salt and pepper. Form into walnut sized balls and place on a lined baking sheet, cover and chill in the fridge for half an hour or so.

Meanwhile, heat a lug of vegetable oil for in a large frying pan and quickly fry the remaining garlic for a minute. Add the carrots and remaining curry paste and cook for a further minute or so. Add in the coconut milk, chicken stock, remaining fish and soy sauces, sugar and chillis, and stir to combine.

Gently add the meatballs one by one, and cook, half-covered for about fifteen minutes, or until they’re poached all the way through. While the balls are cooking, cook the rice noodles as per packet instructions.

Once the balls are ready and you’re kitchen is smelling … a-ma-zing, add the baby corn and lime juice, stirring to combine as you cook for a couple of minutes further.

Remove from the heat and serve over a bed of noodles, top with some extra coriander and peanuts. Then, devour.

 

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Spinachevy and Chase Rolls

Emmy Gold, Emmy Gold: Game of Golds, Main, Party Food, Snack, Vegetarian

After kicking things off with EGOT recipient Reets and a semi-sweet trip down memory lane with my dear(ly departed) Jack, I thought we needed to bring back the funny for day three. And, obviously, there is no man that has won exactly three Emmy Awards (that I can be bothered looking up) funnier, that I can call a friend than Chevy Chase.

I’ve known Chevs for years, after meeting in Betty Ford – who fun fact, gave me free treatment at the clinic as we’re also dear friends – in the ‘80s and becoming the fastest of friends. While there were obviously some issues between us after he dropped the N-bomb on the set of Community and refused to make me play his son in the newest Vacation movie, I found a way to forgive him.

Hey – I forgave Candace Cameron Bure for being Candace Cameron Bure, I can do anything.

Anyway being a betting man, Chevs was keen to get straight to work after a brief catch-up. Given the fact two of his Emmys are for writing, I bequeathed him the great honour of discussing all – yes, all – the writing categories.

Obvi, Big Little Lies has Outstanding Writing for a Limited Series, Movie or Drama Special, while he backed Saturday Night Live – again, obvi – for Variety Series, I think it’s going to go to John Oliver or Samantha Bee. As far as the series categories go, Aziz and Lena have the comedy wrapped up for the sublime Thanksgiving episode of Master of None. We again disagreed on the drama winner, Chevs going for The Handmaid’s Tale, while I think the Duffers’ will take it out with Stranger Things … as a consolation for losing Outstanding Drama Series.

As you can imagine, what with two disagreements, we needed something hella hearty and comforting to get us through. Thankfully my Spinachevy and Chase Rolls more than fit the bill.

 

 

Fresh, spicy and dripping with cheese, these are my favourite kind of rolls this side of Alyssa Edwards’ backrolls.

*Tongue pop* Enjoy, okkkuurrr?

 

 

Spinachevy and Chase Rolls
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
500g frozen spinach, defrosted and drained completely
250g danish feta, crumbled
½ cup parmesan, grated
small handful dill, roughly chopped
1 onion, finely diced
1 cup fresh breadcrumbs
zest of one lemon
salt and pepper, to taste
2 sheets puff pastry, halved
1 egg, lightly beaten

Method
Preheat oven to 200°C.

Combine the spinach, feta, parmesan, dill, onion, breadcrumbs, zest and salt and pepper in a bowl.

Split the mixture into quarters and roll each portion into long – puff pastry length – sausages and place along an edge of the puff pastry. Brush the edge of the pastry and roll to enclose, ensuring the seam is on the bottom. Cut into three and place on a baking sheet. Repeat the process with the remaining three quarters.

Brush each roll with eggs and bake for 25 minutes or until golden, crisp and flaky. Devour.

 

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Jack Lemmon Chicken Soup

Emmy Gold, Emmy Gold: Game of Golds, Main, Poultry, Side, Snack, Soup

I’m most oft described as being an old man trapped in a young(ish) man’s body. In turn, that old man that lives inside me is most oft described in more detail as (extremely) grumpy. Whenever I’m told this, or catch myself shaking my fist at youths in the street, I am reminded of my dear friend and co-star in the movie series based on my life, Grumpy Old Men, Jack Lemmon.

While Jacky boy, as I used to call him, is most famous for his success on the silver screen – two Oscars, what a card! – one of his final awards was his Emmy for his turn as Morrie in Tuesdays with Morrie. As such, I decided to whip out the time machine and pay him one last visit.

I first met Jack on the set of Some Like It Hot in the ‘50s where I acted as a drag coach to Jack and Tones. Yes – I was a drag icon in the 50s and Ru is my drag daughter. Jacks was taken by my talent and we became extremely close during filming, being dear friends ever since. After finalising my first autobiographical script, I knew I needed to get Jack onboard and the hit franchise Grumpy Old Men was born.

Given the fact the catch-up was occurring via time-travel, I couldn’t run the odds with Jack so I utilised my time in the delorean – fun fact: time travel takes a lot longer than Back to the Future would have you believe – to run the odds of the male counterparts of yesterday’s discussion with Rita.

While I really want Milo to take out Best Actor in a Drama series and make Jess and Rory Emmy winners in the same year, I struggle to go past Sterling K Brown. In any event, This Is Us’ to lose. Riz Ahmed should take Best Actor in a Limited Series or TV Movie, Ron Cephas Jones will narrowly best Jeffrey Wright for Supporting Actor in a Drama and Skarsy will take out Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or TV Movie.

All that talking to myself really took it out of me. That, coupled with the fact we’re both elderly, led to me whipping up a big ol’ delicious batch of my Jack Lemmon Chicken Soup.

 

 

Oldies like Jack and I – I should mention, I travelled back to the late ‘80s when he was yet to become an Emmy winner – love a good soup, and there is no better than a Lemon Chicken one. The sour lemons, creamy eggs, sweet mint and delicate chicken come together to make you forget the fact you’re eating a mother and her children and feel content.

Enjoy!

 

 

Jack Lemmon Chicken Soup
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 lemons, zested and juiced
2L low-salt chicken stock
a good whack of salt and pepper
1 cup white rice
500g chicken breast, diced
3 eggs
a small handful of mint leaves, roughly chopped

Method
Combine the juice, zest and stock in a large pot with salt and pepper over medium heat and bring to the boil. Add the rice and chicken, reduce heat to low and cook for about fifteen minutes, or until the rice is tender and the chicken cooked through.

Beat the eggs in a small jug and slowly, still whisking, add about a cup of stock until a white, creamy mixture forms. Transfer said white, creamy mixture back into the pot, while stirring, until well combined.

Remove from the heat and stir through the mint leaves before serving. And then devouring.

 

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Margarita Moreno

Drink, Emmy Gold, Emmy Gold: Game of Golds

As you know my life’s dream – which I fulfill in 2032 – is to achieve the pinnacle of global success, the EGOT. Some may covet a Nobel prize, or a Presidency – but not me, the EGOT is where it’s at / is the most worthy of respect.

Despite this, winning the EGOT hasn’t always my dream, it wasn’t until my dear friend, icon of stage and screen, Rita Moreno, took at the quinella that I was inspired to achieve true greatness. I’d been friends with Reets for close to 30 years by the time she secured her first Emmy and completed the square, and seeing the joy it brought to her made me so happy … and insanely jealous, which eventually turned to inspired.

I first met Reets in the ‘40s – Stockard Channing? She was well into her 50s – while appearing on Broadway. I knew I had a star on my hands and vowed to take her to Hollywood and make her universally beloved. Which I did, yay me.

Anyway, West Side Story Came and went and I disappeared in and out of rehab, with Rita’s support and love becoming my only constant.

Given the fact she is experiencing quite the career resurgence, we haven’t been able to catch-up as often as we’d like, so she jumped at the opportunity to join me to kick off our Emmy Gold party. While her victorious categories have already been held at the Creative Arts Emmys, I opted to run the Drama and Limited Series Actress odds with her instead. Like me, she has recently reconciled with Nicky Kids and as such, is proud to back her for Best Actress in a Limited Series or TV Movie for her harrowing turn in Big Little Lies. Elisabeth Moss is taking out Best Actress in a Drama, despite the fact we find out it is a documentary from the future. My girl Millie Bobby Brown is going win Best Supporting Actress in a Drama for her breakout turn as Eleven and Queen Laura Dern is going to snatch Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or TV Movie for playing me in Big Little Lies.

While we eventually agreed on the victors, it did take some hearty discussion to reach consensus over some delicious booze. And there is no booze more delicious than my Margarita Moreno.

 

 

A little bit tart, entirely refreshing and oft a bad choice, tequila and margaritas are kind of the personification of dating me. Though instead of being refreshing, people tell me to stop getting fresh … with them. In any event, a marg is something you definitely want to take down your throat.

Enjoy!

 

 

Margarita Moreno
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
ice
2 parts tequila, only Patron for us obvi
1 part triple sec
1 part lime juice
2 lime wedges
salt for your rim

Method
Chill your glass with ice for a minute or so.

Transfer it to a cocktail shaker and add more until it is full. Pour over the tequila, triple sec and lime juice and shake, hard, until it is well combined and chilled.

Run the lime around the edges of your glasses, dip them in some salt and strain the marg into the glass.

Then, obvi, down.

 

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Emmys are coming

Emmy Gold, Emmy Gold: Game of Golds, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

With my boy Petey Dink and the rest of the GoT ineligible for this year’s Emmys, I decided to bring a little bit of the Iron Throne to Brisbane and L.A. as we countdown to the 69th – giggity – Emmy Awards.

Enter, our second Emmy Gold party.

Is Master of None going to take the top gong for another year of majestic comedy? Is Mama Ru and the crew going add more crowns to the royal jewels (the answer is yes, three. We know, but Mama Ru needs some acknowledgement, you know)? Are Mandy’s big three going to outdo the Stranger crew?

Buckle in, strap on and make sure not to lose your head. Game of Golds is here!

Image source: Academy of Television Arts & Sciences.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

LIVE BLOG: The 68th Primetime Emmy Awards

Emmy Gold, Live Blog, TV Recap

10:56 EDT
Wrapping us up for the year, Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz arrived – begging the question, why – to present Outstanding Drama Series to Game of Thrones.

Again, no one was shocked … but I’m storming the stage with Kit, the cast and crew.

With that, good night people!

10:52 EDT
We are finally at the pointy end of the show! Can you believe we made it?

As expected, Outstanding Comedy Series went to Veep which now makes me regret betting my life savings on Master of None.

10:44 EDT
When she thanked the cast you assumed she was thanking all of the sestras, assuming they were played by different people, right?

10:43 EDT

Keifer is here – sadly sober and with pants – to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series to Tatiana Maslany.

Holy shit this is paying off with my bookie!

And how overdue is this win? She is absolutely amazing in Orphan Black.

10:41 EDT
His joke – how adorable!

And I finally got a good win with my bookie again!

10:40 EDT
With the tears out of the way, we truly get down to business with the hotly contested Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series going to Rami Malek.

Maybe I will get lucky tonight after all?

10:29 EDT
Now we cry irrationally during the In Memoriam section.

I miss you Jacks, Dot, Gaz, Alan Rickman (said in his voice), Yetta, Prince, Gene and Bowie.

10:27 EDT
And now, Taraji is here to give out my personal favourite category tonight, Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series.

And unlike Amanda, I am not getting lucky tonight with Ben Mendelsohn taking home the Emmy.

Maybe Kit will need some comforting love.

10:21 EDT
Up next Minnie Driver and Michael Weatherly – why – arrived to present Outstanding Supporting Acress in a Drama Series. Again, sadly, to Maggie Smith.

Given it was a non-event, they were also given the job of presenting Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series to Miguel – again – for the inspiration to my next porn parody, Battle of the Bastards.

10:15 EDT
Yawn, the Emmy President everyone.

10:09 EDT
And finally we made it – drama is here and we are on the home stretch.

My other boyfriend Rami Malek has arrived and all is right in the world. Congrats to Hank and character actress Margot Martindale for your victory for Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama Series, respectively.

With that they delivered the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series to Dave and D.B. – I prefer DP, but that is another story for another time – for Battle of the Bastards which coincidentally reminds me of DP as well. Again, not the time.

Either way, Amanda Peet of Amanda Peet’s Coffee and Tea fame is getting lucky tonight.

10:05 EDT
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series went to Key & Peele, screwing me out of more money but winning Amy some cash with my bookie.

Again, no yanked chains.

10:03 EDT
Matt Damon arrived to talk smack with his nemesis Kimmel before Laverne Cox dropped by to give out Outstanding Directing for a Variety Special where won Thomas Kail and Alex Rudzinski, neither of whom I know, won for Grease: Live.

Their wives however did not yank their chains.

9:51 EDT
Fun fact, I should have been presenting Outstanding Variety Talk Series with my love Kit but was needed backstage to doctor Kimmel’s script. Congrats John Oliver, you and your hatred for Tony Abbott fills me with joy.

9:48 EDT
Now on to the Variety Series awards, so head off to the bathroom and I’ll catching you up.

Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special went to Patton Oswalt, shocking everyone. Damn with the subtle emotional ending though.

9:40 EDT
Seriously we are churning through the awards now – Outstanding Limited Series went to The People vs. O.J. Simpson which despite not being a surprise, thankfully has gotten me back in the black with my bookie.

9:38 EDT
Travolta didn’t like the Cochran joke. Thankfully it was time to give out Outstanding Television Movie going to Sherlock which I will never watch, despite becoming tentative friends with Cumberbatch.

9:35 EDT
Thankfully Bry was given enough time to get back to his seat while Ames and Teens made their entrance to hand out Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie. Sadly Bry couldn’t take home another gong with Courtney B. Vance taking out the hotly contested category and continuing O.J’s winning streak.

Thank god it didn’t go to my frenemy Benedict.

9:26 EDT
Claire and Bryan are here – obviously after gushing about how wonderful I am backstageto present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series or Movie to Sarah Paulson, shocking no one.

But kind of breaking my heart for Kirsten Dunst who would have won otherwise.

Sarah gave an amazing speech apologising to Marcia Clark for society being judgemental, patriarchal jerks.

Not me though, obviously – we gays don’t get that privilege. Like marriage in Australia.

9:23 EDT
Terrence Howard has arrived to present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Moviethough sadly not to Travolta and Schwimmer for their hilarious turns in The People vs. O.J. Simpson but instead the very deserving Sterling K. Brown.

9:15 EDT
The finally free Hiddleston is here to present Outstanding Directing for a Limited Series or Movie, which once again went to … what, not O.J?!

Congrats Susie for your work on The Night Manager.

9:11 EDT
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie once again went to Regina King.

FYI, I was her stylist this year – doesn’t she look beautiful!

Also I am still fucked with my bookie.

9:08 EDT
Now that we’ve burnt through the scum of comedy, we are on to Outstanding Writing for a Limited Series or Movie.

Congratulations to The People vs. O.J. Simpson – finally Marcia Clark’s name is associated with winning.

9:05 EDT
Thankfully Leslie Jones was brought out to bring some excitement to the accounting segment. To trolls, fuck off and leave her alone.

9:00 EDT
Finally some true glory, PB&J given out by the cast of Stranger Things.

8:57 EDT
Hearing my rage, we are over to Best Reality Competition Program where Survivor was once again overlooked.

Congrats on the win for your lesser show Mark.

8:53 EDT
Still with comedy – and what message does this send to comedy stars burning them off at the start,  this is cruel – Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series.

The Bill Cosby joke, classic and I’m sad to say that was not my idea – did you see Tina’s face?

Again, sadly, there was no surprise with Jeff taking out the Emmy and I blew the cash I had on Aziz. Damn you Jeff.

8:42 EDT
Sticking with comedy Keegan Michael Key arrived to finally give JLD another gong.

Again, she was so far ahead in the odds I actually now owe my bookie even more money.

Oh yeah, she has officially gotten the award now.

Thankfully she apologised for the current political climate that turned her show into a documentary.

Then she broke our hearts with the dedication to her dad – damn JLD, I’m now heartbroken.

8:38 EDT
Randall Park and Constance Wu started with a recap of the Guest Actor and Actress(es) – congrats Amy and Tina – in a Comedy Series, introducing Peter Scolari to present Directing in a Comedy Series.

Did I miss Lead Actress or did they not bother considering it is a given?

Either way, Jill Soloway took home the gold for Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series again and considering she was a favourite, I’m still stuck in the red. Thanks Jill … but congratulations, I guess.

8:29 EDT
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series is after the break, congratulations JLD!

8:28 EDT
Joel McHale and Kristen Bell are instantly here to test my skills with Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series going to Kate McKinnon. Shocking everyone, not least herself.

And I’m back in the red, fuck.

8:25 EDT
Julie Bowen and Matt LeBlanc are next up to test my bank balance with the award for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series.

Thankfully my boy Aziz won for Master of None – the best show on television/your computer – won and I’ve now got half of the winner’s right.

This recouped my previous loss.

8:15 EDT
Strong opening from Kimmel – you’re welcome.

Anthony Anderson and Tracee Ellis Ross are here to truly start the party with the award for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series which went to Louie Anderson out of nowhere, sending me into debt with my bookie already.

#JusticeForTituss.

With that, I’m currently 0 from 1. If this blog cuts out, I can be found on a burner phone.

8:08 EDT
Marcia Clark joke? Again mine … but seriously, she isn’t the best of luck charms.

Cutting to Kit during the masturbation joke, mine. Also, what the hell is with my seat filler’s hair.

8:04 EDT
Kicking off with the Bronco chase – my idea, classic.

Modern Family, not my idea.

Carpool Karaoke, my idea … but with me involved.

Veep bit, mine and Tone’s. Game of Thrones bit, mine and Pete’s.


Red carpet
7:55 EDT
Entering the fray late is Laverne Cox, winning the award for best woman dressed like an Emmy.

And with that, I’m heading inside to see whether Kimmel lands my jokes.

7:48 EDT
Dual nominee Sarah Paulson has arrived looking absolutely stunning in a green Prada accompanied by the woman she portrayed to snag her first Emmy, Marcia Clark.

The Schumer sisters have arrived looking beautiful in black Vivienne Westwood fully recovered from the food poisoning I didn’t cause.

My ex-frenemy Claire Danes has arrived, taking Ellie Kemper’s look of dressing like an Emmy. Shockingly she is nominated again, given how terrible her toddler impression was.

7:37 EDT
James Corden is looking good – but let’s be honest, Terrence Howard and Tituss are the only ones I can remember not wearing the standard black tux.

Anthony Anderson is looking good, mixing it up with a black shirt while Rami Malek is rocking the Tituss, looking babin’ and hopefully about to take home his first Emmy.

Otherwise my mortgage is done … but anyway.

7:22 EDT
Terrence Howard has arrived to suffer through Juju. To be honest, Lucious has made me scared of Terrence, so his bravery is doing wonders for his image.

Speaking of nerves, Thomas Middleditch has arrived as a first time nominee for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy with the hair of a child on school photo day.

Sadly he makes it work.

Speaking of kids, Disney’s erstwhile Anna has arrived and is looking every bit the princess.

7:17 EDT
Bry has finally arrived and is well and truly proving his acting prowess, politely tolerating Juju. Obviously he is looking stunning, considering I acted as his stylist.

My dear Tituss Burgess has arrived – fun fact, we both share the talent for downing wine – looking fine, ready to snatch his first Emmy.

Please. PLEASE.

7:06 EDT
Regina King is looking stunning in a red Elizabeth Kennedy gown, Constance Zimmer is dominating in printed Monique Lhuillier – while Juju is pushing for her to produce her next reality show – and Matt LeBlanc is putting me to sleep.

I know we are close friends but Matt, get some energy!

Thankfully Emilia Clarke arrived to wake me up, brush off the casual sexism and stun in nude Versace.

Heidi is here … in one of her better red carpet looks. That is all.

6:52 EDT
Jerry Seinfeld has returned to the Emmys after a 19 year hiatus, sufferer through Juju with effortless charm.

Sophie Turner arrived wearing a Valentino nightie – think a black version of what Coco wore while being eliminated from Drag Race.

Maura Tierney arrived on foot as she was sick of sitting in traffic. That alone is enough for her to win in my eyes. The Christian Siriano is another win for her.

6:40 EDT
Ok – so have me all moved past the shock that Eleven is British and just how cute they are? Cool.

Nominee Keegan-Michael Key is here looking great … but why isn’t Juju telling me what he is wearing? Oh well … I’ll find out when I’m tidying all the clothes on my floor tomorrow.

6:35 EDT
Felicity Huffman and Bill Macy have arrived and continue to be the most adorable dual nominated couple.

STOP EVERYTHING THE CAST OF STRANGER THINGS ARE HERE.

6:27 EDT
My dear Tony Hale is here – sadly with his wife – looking rugged and beautiful in a tux.

FYI, I advised him to rock the beard. If he is around later he could join Kit and I.

Sterling K. Brown is looking great and acting humble – good luck tonight my love, I’ll catch you soon.

Sarah Hyland continues to be the most likeable cast member of Modern Family, winning my heart in Monique Lhuillier before Ariel Winter arrived looking beautiful and charming and making me awkward for sharing my Hyland love.

6:15 EDT
Another of my closest friends Tatiana Maslany – I need to catch-up with her soon – is looking stunning in a beautiful red Alexander Wang gown.

Shockingly none of her sestras showed up to offer her support. Happy birthday for Thursday Tat!

6:10 EDT
My dear friend Ellie Kemper is currently suffering through Ju and while she is following the Field of Dreams mantra – build it and they will come – dressed as an Emmy.

It works and I love her.

6:04 EDT
We are off and running with America Ferrera dropping by to suffer through Juju. Considering she completed a triathlon yesterday, she has suffered enough – free America!

Oh her dress? I’ve already forgotten.


Happy Emmy day everyone!

Hollywood’s lesser night of nights – despite it being the golden age of TV, TV is still scum, right – is finally upon us and a new batch of recipients are about to be awarded the highest honour of the small screen.

As I announced on Friday, I’m once again trying my hand at live blogging – this time with the 68th Primetime Emmy Awards – providing you with the insider gossip from an industry stalwart and close friend of the entire TV industry.

Once again, as well as attending I’m hosting the red carpet specials on E!BravoABCRetirement LivingDish NationThe CW and Briz 31, acting as Kit’s double when the ceremony starts to drag / later tonight when he wants to celebrate and doctoring Kimmel’ script from the green room.

I will also be continuing my feud with Gugu-B Rancid?

So strap in and keep your mouse close to the refresh button as I take you inside the Emmys!

Image source: The Emmys.

Megan Marshmallys

Dessert, Emmy Gold, Snack, Sweets

We’ve made it – day five of my Emmy Week celebrations is finally here and there is no one I’d rather catch-up with than the dear Megan Mullally.

As you know, Megsy and I have been close friends for close to 30 years since my fluffer days in the 80s, through my role as her Maid of Dishonour and even survived my feud with Debra Messing during Will & Grace, which shut down the set more than 200 times and advising her to be in You, Me and the Apocalypse.

The only thing Megsy loves more than partying with Nick and I, is black market gambling so was hella keen to run the  odds for the remaining categories – we felt that we had well and truly covered off on the Comedy odds.

Oh Master of None will win Best Comedy and Actor, FYI.

In addition, Sarah Poulson will pip K Dunst, Game of Thrones will win drama, Rami Malek will win my heart / Best Actor, Viola will rob Tatiana and My Girl Chlumsky will finally bag herself an Emmy and that is as far as I can remember on account of our boozy ways.

I do remember, however, that my Megan Marshmallys were the perfect sweetener to the sting that she wasn’t attending – thank god I’ve got Kit!

 

megan-marshmallys-1

 

Marshmallows – dry, powdery and sickeningly sweet? Yes. But freshly made, these babies truly sing – delicately melting in your mouth and filling your heart with joy.

Who will take home the gongs? Join me Sunday/Monday – timezone dependent – as I live blog the event while hosting the E! Red carpet, finalise the script for Jim, attend with Kit, Idris and Tom and act as the results auditor.

Enjoy!

 

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Megan Marshmallys
Makes: 48.

Ingredients
⅔ cup icing sugar, sifted, plus extra for dusting
1kg caster sugar
2 tbsp liquid glucose
¼ cup gelatine powder
4 egg whites
1 tbsp vanilla bean paste
⅔ cup cornflour

Method
Full disclosure, these make an absolute shit-tonne … but they are good (and Megsy and I use them, well, let’s just say there is a fetish) and will get eaten. Quickly.

Line a couple of lamington pans/baking trays with baking paper and generously dust each with icing sugar.

Meanwhile combine the caster sugar and glucose with 400ml of water in a saucepan and stir over low heat until the sugar dissolves. Crank up the heat to medium and bring to the boil, cooking for 3-5 minutes or until a sugar thermometer reaches 110-120°C.

While that is cooking, combine the gelatine with 400ml of freshly boiled water and allow to stand for five minutes, or until glossy and clear. Once ready, whisk through the sugar syrup and remove from the heat.

Now get to work on the meringue and beat the eggwhites until stiff peaks. And I mean stiff peaks. I once peaked too soon, in that I didn’t have stiff peaks, resulting in a marshmallow that has meringue on top and a layer of what looked like aspic or lard below.

Anyway, with the mixer still on, gradually – and again, gradual is the key part of this step – add the sugar syrup until all combined. Beat for a further 10 minutes, until the mixture is thick and glossy. Remove from the mixer, fold through the vanilla, spread amongst the pans and chill until firm, an hour or two.

Combine the cornflour and icing sugar in a shallow dish.

Remove the marshmallow from the fridge, cut into squares and roll in the powdery mixture. Stand to dry on a metal rack for an hour or so before devouring.

Store any extra in an airtight container, though storing them scares me. Mainly because I don’t understand not gorging.

 

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Yuzu Aduba Chicken

Emmy Gold, Main, Poultry

Holy snub, batman!

Finally I’m catching up with a past winner who isn’t going for a gong this year, but really, at what cost. How in the world does the queen of chocolate and vanilla swirls, erotica and small buns not score a third consecutive nom/win?

But seriously. Crazy-eyes, no nomination? Crazy.

Despite what would obviously be disappointment, Uzo is such an absolute treasure that she hasn’t taken me up on any offers to send anthrax to the nominees that stole her place and nor does she want me to pull a Kanye dressed as Bob the Drag Queen dressed as Uzo as Crazy-Eyes in Snatch Game.

Honestly though, that is just classic Uzo. She has always had the sweetest heart and is arguably the kindest person I’ve ever met.

We first connected while attending Boston University and quickly grew to be the best of friends. As the only two people to be studying classical singing on the track and field team, that was kind of bound to happen.

After graduation, we packed up and farewelled Boston to try her luck on the big white way. It became abundantly clear that my chequered past was going to stand in the way of her success, so I wished her luck and fled – only finding joy in watching her career flourish in my absence.

Fast forward to 2012 and I started developing a little show for Netflix under the pseudonym Jenji Kohan – Benji/Jenji, I’m surprised no one has twigged before – and I knew there was nobody else that could play the role of Crazy Eyes.

I was reticent to bring up the odds for this year’s nominees but sweet Uzo knows how important gambling is to me – I mean, she hosted six of my nine gambling addiction interventions – so felt it was her duty to assist me. Yes it is questionable given my past, but she is too damn nice and didn’t want to upset me further after I found out her plus one was already taken.

With that, we agreed that Lena would snag Supporting Actress in a Drama Series for her bad-ass ascension to the throne and celebrated Ames and Teens taking out the Guest Actress in a Comedy win.

We also agreed that my Yuzu Aduba Chicken is an absolute must.

 

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There is nothing better than chicken with a bit of citrus up the butt. I know there is a science – well assume but want to sound like I know what I’m talking about, which I won’t if it is actually wrong – behind the citric acid, steam and the chicken cavity that makes it so tender and juicy, but do we care about science? I mean, I’ve slept with Bill Nye but beyond that I’ve got no interest in science.

No matter where you stand on the caring-about-science-spectrum, this chicken is fucking delicious. Add in a cheeky little slaw and it almost makes up for the most egregious snubbings of 2016.

Enjoy!

 

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Yuzu Aduba Chicken
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 large chicken
1-2 yuzu, size dependent
2 garlic cloves, crushed
2 tsp ginger, grated
25g unsalted butter, melted
2 tbsp light soy sauce
½ tsp sesame oil
1 tbsp peanut oil
½ tsp caster sugar
black sesame seeds, to serve
yuzu/lemon/lime wedges, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C.

Place the chicken in a large roasting dish, pierce the yuzu with a skewer and shove square up the butt/cavity. Rub with a bit of peanut oil, season and chuck in the oven for an hour and twenty minutes.

Meanwhile, combine garlic, ginger, butter and half the soy sauce in a bowl. After the chicken has been in the oven for twenty minutes, baste with the marinade and continue every fifteen minutes or so to get crispy, sticky skin. If it starts to get too blackened, cover in foil.

Once the chicken is done, remove from the oven, cover with foil and then a tea towel and rest for fifteen minutes. After it has steamed in its juices, uncover, carve and serve with a light asian salad and a sprinkling of why-they-gotta-be-black-sesame-seeds (spoiler: they taste better) and a wedge of yuzu (or lemon or lime).

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Amy MuSchumer

Emmy Gold, Main

Ok – so again, we’re catching up with another current Emmy nominee but I promise, this is the last one. Rightly or wrongly, but I’ll get to that tomorrow.

Amy and I are just way too similar for me to not include her in such an important occasion. I mean, both of us are praised as brave for posing nude (I’d argue that it is the photographer that is brave in my case, but I’ve digressed), have a penchant for smut and swearing and have felt the disappointed gaze of Michael Caine.

Plus she is a killer friend and is sure to take me as her date, right? Well wrong … but all is forgiven as she too agrees that Kit and I should go together.

I first met Ames in the early 00s when we both became involved in a shoplifting scheme, resulting in grand larceny charges. While she was able to plead down the charges thanks to her cousin, I bought my way out of my problems and fled back to Lisa Vanderpump’s mansion.

While we didn’t speak for a few years, we reconnected during her stint on Last Comic Standing. I was heavily involved in rigging reality television programs and was desperately trying to get my hands on NBC’s stable after my dear friend Bethenny/any/eny/annie/infghtsmjfjf lost on Martha Stewart’s Apprentice, so spent a lot of time on set.

The decade that followed will go down as arguably the greatest friendship either has ever had and the best creative partnership known to mankind.

Like Bryan, Ames has a breadth of nominations under her belt so thankfully was able to run a shit tonne of odds with me. Our choices, are as follows:
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series, Key and Peele
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series, JLD
Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, Tig Notaro

Notably – but not surprisingly – she only backed her show when she wasn’t listed as a nominee. I however back her when she isn’t up against JLD (and was right to back Teens and Ames in the Guest category). Adjust your betting accordingly.

After such a lengthy discussion, we were absolutely famished by the time it came to plotting the best way for me to get to Kit that I had to stop everything and whip up a huge batch of my Amy MuSchumer.

 

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Like Ames, the muschumer packs a punch, has a little bite and fills you with absolute joy. Coincidentally those are all aspects of my plan to woo Kit.

Enjoy!

 

amy-muschumer-2

 

Amy MuSchumer
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ cup plain flour
2 tbsp cornflour
¼ cup water
¼ cup milk
6 eggs
2 tbsp butter, melted
1 tbsp chilli flakes
peanut oil
600g pork, cut into strips
¼ cup soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
2 tbsp oyster sauce
thumb of ginger, peeled and minced
1 large carrot, julienned
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
100g shiitake mushrooms, sliced
6 shallots, sliced on the angle and one whole for the pancakes
2-3 cups shredded wombok
hoisin sauce, to serve

Method
Combine the flour, cornflour, water, milk, 2 of the eggs, half the butter, chilli flakes and rough chopped additional shallot and blitz in a food processor until smooth. Cover and stand while you make the pork.

Heat a lug of peanut oil in a wok/large frying pan over high heat and stir-fry the pork, in two batches, until browned aka about a minute. Transfer to a bowl and stir through the soy, sake, oyster sauce and ginger.

Clean out the wok/frying pan, add another lug of oil and stir-fry the carrot, capsicum and mushrooms for a minute. Add the shallots, wombok and pork and stir-fry for a couple of minutes, the liquid has reduced and the vegetables bright but tender. Remove from heat.

Meanwhile heat another lug of peanut oil in a small frying pan over high heat. When blisteringly hot, add the remaining eggs, lightly beaten, reduce heat to low and stir the eggs over themselves to form a delicate omelette.

Remove from the heat, roughly chop and stir through the pork mixture and keep warm while you fry the pancakes.

Heat a small frying pan over medium heat and brush with the remaining butter. Add about a tablespoon worth of batter to the frying pan, spread it out to form a thin pancake and cook for a minute or two. Flip and cook for a further minute. Transfer to a plate and repeat until the batter is done.

Once the pancakes are sorted, dish up the pork, garnishing with some extra slice shallots, and serve with the pancakes.

I wouldn’t worry too much about presentation as you inhale them pretty quickly!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.