Married … with Children

Christina Applegate Sauce

Condiment, Emmy Gold, Emmy Gold: Golden Family, Sauce

As you know, most of my time celebrating an Award Show is dedicated to finding someone that will take me as their plus one when the relevant academy chooses yet again, not to invite me. So since my dear Christina Applegate is nominated again this year and co-starred opposite Ed O’Neil, I couldn’t go past kicking off this year’s celebration with her.

I’ve known Chris for decades, after meeting on the set of Married. While I was employed as part of Kate’s entourage, I was drawn to Chris due to our similar sense of humour and we quickly developed a strong, unbreakable bond.

Given how busy she is, I haven’t caught up with Christina in close to 12 months, so it was such a joy to swing by her pad and toast her success on Dead to Me. While she wouldn’t give away any spoilers on season 2, she did assure me that should Linda agree to end her feud with me she could find a way to work me in to the season.

And I assume, finally get me my elusive first Emmy nomination.

Speaking of Emmy nominees, we sat down to run the odds in the Comedy Game. Despite both loving her performance in Dead to Me, we agreed that JLD will take Best Actress despite Catherine O’Hara deserving it. Best Actor she thinks will go to Bill Hader, while I think Ted Danson will make his triumphant return to the stage. While I am hopeful Anna Chlumsky will finally take out an Emmy for her role in Veep, Chris thinks it will go to Olivia Colman. When both obviously agree that Henry Winkler will take out Best Supporting Actor once again.

With that I wished her luck and toasted to her ongoing success with a big pot of sweet, spiced Christina Applegate Sauce.

 

 

While most people would argue that apple sauce is apple sauce and it isn’t anything special, I urge you to try this and then try to go back to store bought. Because you can’t. Lightly spiced with a caramelly hint, this smooth sauce is the perfect accompaniment to a big, salty slab of pork. Or great to shot.

Enjoy!

 

 

Christina Applegate Sauce
Serves: 1 saucy nominee and her inspiration.

Ingredients
5 granny smith apples, peeled and cored
1 lemon, zested and juiced
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 cinnamon quill

Method
Place everything in a saucepan with two tablespoons of water and bring to the boil. Reduce to a simmer, covered, and cook until apples are very soft. About ten minutes should be enough.

Remove the cinnamon quill and blitz the sauce until smooth and serve immediately.

 

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Katey Sagal Bombs

Baking, Bread, Breakfast, Golden Globe Gold, Main, Snack, Street Food

After kicking this year’s Golden Globe celebrations – Goldy Bird – with my dear friend and ex-lover Ryan Gosling, I decided to visit with a more maternal figure in my life as we bounced to the TV side of the Globes. And there is no better maternal figures to ever grace the small screen than the one-two punch of Peg Bundy and Gemma Teller Morrow, which are conveniently played by my dear Katey Sagal.

I first met Kate in 1987 when Married was starting up. I was dating David Faustino and was Christina Applegate’s best friend at the time, but it was the warm way she took me under her wing that kept me on set after the inevitable break-ups. And made us like family.

She was always patient, always kind. She does not envy, boast or is … wait, sorry, I am slipping back into Catholic School. She is the kindest most loving person and I know, and I am so lucky to have had her undying support and guidance in my life.

As soon as I saw her, I fell into her arms and started sobbing. Why I am not sure, but it shows the safety I feel in her presence. We quickly gabbed about what we’ve been up to before dipping our toe into the world of Miniseries and TV movies, as we’ve got someone else lined up to cover Drama (who is likely to snatch victory this year). In any event, we agree Darren Criss will continue his streak winning Best Actor for his portrayal of Andrew Cunanan while Amy Adams will defeat Regina King in their other direct battle for Best Actress. Despite Connie Britton’s hair always being my vote. For Best Miniseries or TV Film, my split our votes with Kate going for Sharp Objects, while I am baking American Crime Story if only because of Queen Judith Light.

With that out of the way and how deeply I love Katey and respect our robust odds related discussions, I got to work whipping up one of Christina Tosi’s opi in her honour. In the form of Katey Sagal Bombs.

 

 

Straight up, I love Milk Bar. It is without a doubt the happiest place on earth (alongside Disneyland and In’N’Out, obvi), and this little baby is one of the reasons why. Soft, pillowy dough wrapped around the salty glory of cream cheese, bacon and shallots exploding in your mouth.

I mean, dis good. Dis real good.

Enjoy!

 

 

Katey Sagal Bombs
Serves: 4-8.

Ingredients
‘Mother Dough’
3½ cups flour
1 tbsp kosher salt
1 ¼ tsp active dry yeast
1 ¾ cups water, at room temperature

Filling and assembly
50g streaky bacon, diced
200g cream cheese
4 shallots, sliced
1 tsp raw caster sugar
dash of smoking liquid
¼ tsp kosher salt
1 tbsp white sesame seeds
2 tsp black sesame seeds
2 tsp poppy seeds
1 tbsp dried onion
½ tsp onion powder
¼ tsp garlic powder
1 egg, beaten

Method
First you need to start with the filling, so fry the bacon in a skillet over medium heat until it’s brown and crunchy. Remove from the heat.

Place the cream cheese in the bowl of a stand mixer and beat with the paddle attachment until soft and fluffy. Add the bacon and its fat, the shallots, sugar, smoking liquid and salt, and beat until well combined.

Scoop into 8 even lumps and place in a lined container. Transfer to the freezer until rock solid.

When the lumps are hard, start working on the dough by combining the flour, salt and yeast in the bowl of a stand mixer. Add the water and stir with the dough hook by hand until just combined before transferring it to the mixer and kneading on low for 10 minutes, or until a smooth, soft ball forms.

Transfer to a large oiled bowl, cover with plastic wrap and leave to prove for an hour.

Preheat the oven to 160C.

To assemble, punch down the dough and split in two. Freeze one half in a container, and when you want to use it defrost and then prove for an hour. Split the other dough into 8 equal pieces, and stretch each to form a 10cm wide disc. Place a frozen piece of cream cheese in the centre of each, seal and roll into a smooth ball. Place on a lined baking sheet and repeat the process until done.

Combine the sesame seeds, poppy seeds, dried onion, onion powder and garlic powder in a bowl, and whisk the egg with a tablespoon of water.

Brush each bomb with egg wash and coat with the seed mix. Transfer to the oven and bake for 20 minutes, or until golden brown and exploding with goodness.

Devour immediately. Ish.

 

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Alan Thicke Cut Marmalade

Condiment, Snack

It has been a very long week and as is often the case, that meant I had a few wines … which in turn meant I got feeling wistful for the days of old. And when I think about the good old days, I remember my dearly departed friends like Alan.

As you know, the documentation of my celebrity catch-ups potentially killed off some of Hollywood’s biggest heavyweights in the last year, though thankfully Alan was not my fault.

Despite not killing Al, we didn’t get to catch-up before he died last year and I wasn’t able to go to the funeral due to my feud with Robin … and the whole banned from the U.S. by Trump thing. Given that, my wistful feelings lead to getting out the time machine and having some closure with my boy.

I first met Alan on the set of Growing Pains – I’m actually the one that got Leo the job – when I was working as a bodyguard for Tracey Gold who I met on the set of CHiPs. Given my penchant for fine older gents, Al and became fast friends and he grew to become a Hollywood father figure to me.

Given that his death was quite surprising, I only went back six months because there wasn’t much risk of spoiling anything. While he was a bit confused by my sporadic tears, he completely bought my excuse of feeling hurt by Kirk Cameron being a complete dick.

I didn’t want to run the risk of letting any information slip, so when he called our catch-up to a close and asked me to play hockey with him and his son in a few weeks, I wiped a solitary tear and made him promise to finish off his Alan Thicke Cut Marmalade as quickly as possible.

 

 

Full disclosure, I absolutely hate, hate, HATE marmalade, but it is Alan’s favourite … and it goes well in things (like glazing a ham or something). Plus, this one is so fresh and delicious that it is hard to hate, even when it isn’t your jam.

Because it is marmalade.

Enjoy!

 

 

Alan Thicke-Cut Marmalade
Makes: 2-3 cups.

Ingredients
1kg oranges
1 lemon
cinnamon quill
1kg muscovado sugar
1kg raw caster sugar

Method
Juice the oranges and lemon, and pour through a sieve into a large pot.

Cut the peel into chunks and add to the pot with the cinnamon – despite this being thick-cut marmalade, I erred on the side of caution and went thinner. Add two litres of water and bring to the boil over high heat, before reducing to a simmer for a couple of hours.

Add the sugar and stir to combine. Bring back up to a rapid boil and cook until thickened and set (this is when it is around 100°C), though I don’t mind it a bit thinner.

Once done, allow to rest for twenty minutes or so before removing the cinnamon quill and transferring to sterilised jars.

Or devouring.

 

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Pie-an Ziering

Donna Martin graduates, Main, Party Food, Pie, Snack

Like David Silver / B.A.G., poor Steve Sanders / Ian Ziering was not the guy you had plastered over your wall, but like a fine wine that man aged into the beautiful Chippendale / shark slayer that I am lucky enough to call my friend.

While I obviously tried to woo Ian countless times on the set of 90210, our relationship never became a fully fledged affair which, I hate to admit, did wonders for our relationship. That being said, that realisation won’t stop my lecherous behaviour with my beautiful friends – sorry Skarsy!

Despite what some members of the D-list would have you believe, Ian is an absolute sweetheart and is every bit as kind and determined as the national treasure he portrays in the Sharknado franchise.

I first met Ian in the late 80s when he was auditioning for a guest stint on Married … with Children before the ugliness of my own creating. Knowing that he had the perfect combination of confidence, charm and uniqueness, I snatched him away from the show and gave him the star making role of S squared.

Give the runaway success of the critical maligned Sharknado masterpieces, Ian has been super busy … and sadly thanks to my ongoing feud with slash the restraining order Tara Reid has out against me, I cannot visit him on set. Thankfully he was able to drop by despite of his busy shark dropping schedule to celebrate the pop culture anniversary to trigger Annelie’s memory.

Obviously that calls for my Pie-an Ziering.

 

pie-an-ziering-1

 

Pies are in my top fifteen comfort food – probably sitting at around fourth. Add in two of my other faves, cheese and bacon, and you’ve got yourself a party worthy of Steve Sanders / a Chippendale / a shark slayer / someone that feuds with Brandi Glanville.

While most cheese and bacon pies are something you devour with equal parts shame and joy, these babies, with their salt streaky bacon and sharp blue cheese bring you no shame and are just so damn good.

They are also a little bit posh. Like Sanders Manor or stripping in Vegas – enjoy!

 

pie-an-ziering-2

 

Pie-an Ziering
Makes: 8.

Ingredients
2 tbsp oil
1 brown onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 stick of celery, finely chopped
1 carrot, grated
600g beef mince
6 rashers streaky bacon, diced
2 tbsp plain flour
400g canned crushed tomatoes
1 cup beef stock
2 tbsp tomato paste
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce
125g soft blue cheese
2 sheets shortcrust pastry
2 sheet puff pastry
1 egg

Method
Heat the oil in a large pan, over medium-high heat. When as hot as Ian’s Vegas outfit, reduce the heat and add the onions and garlic and sweat for a couple of minutes. When they are fragrant and translucent, add the celery, carrot, beef and bacon, stirring to break up the mince as it starts to brown.

When the meat is cooked, add the flour and give a good stir. Then add the tomatoes, stock, tomato paste and worcestershire sauce, stir and simmer half-covered for about 20 minutes, stirring a couple of times.

Remove from the heat and allow to cool for an hour or two.

Preheat oven to 180°C and remove the pastry from the freezer (I was lazy and there is no shame – puff is a total bitch) to defrost.

When the pastry is ready, divide each sheet into four equal square. Press the shortcrust into individual pie moulds (about the size of the circumference of a fist … probably should have mentioned that sooner). Spoon the mixture equally amongst the lined moulds, crumble the blue cheese evenly over the top and fold over any shortcrust excess. Top with the squares of puff, pressing at the edges to seal the pie and crimp any excess pastry around the edges. I mean, why waste it?

Whisk the egg in a mug and brush the tops of the pies. Give them a stab in the top for steam to escape, place the pie moulds on a lined baking tray (simply for ease of getting them in and out of the oven) and bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Devour. Surprisingly, I advise avoiding tommy sauce. That blue cheese is glorious!

Obviously I strongly encourage mash.

 

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Keri Brussell Sprouts Salad

Salad, Side

Yep, apologies Felicity fans – I was the one that not only encouraged her haircut but the one that drunkenly took blunt scissors to it, after a bender in the meatpacking district or West Hollywood (I can not remember where it was filmed, just that I was hustling, off the wagon and loving it) and left Kez and the WB hairstylist to try and find a way out of the mess.

Thankfully Kez is as sweet and understanding as dear Felicity and didn’t hold it against me.

I first met Keri in 1995 when she had a guest stint on Married … with Children – my torrid affair with David Faustino was coming to an end after he (correctly) accused me of having an affair with Ed O’Neill, a down-to-peg Sagal and Marcy. Yes, Marcy – I am not attracted to Mandy unless she is in character.

As you could imagine, it was a very tumultuous time and dear Keri (incorrectly) saw me as a victim and quickly rescued me from the hell (of my own creation). You know how the story goes by now; celeb meets boy, boy pretends he isn’t toxic and tricks up and coming celeb into being his friend, boy relapses/is involved in scandal/is incarcerated and celebrity stands by him through thick and thin.

Even when he takes her hair from thick, to thin. Yeah … I am aware of how lucky I am to have found such supportive A-listers.

Despite hairgate, Kez has been on the up-and-up, which I like to attribute to her critically applauded turn in Waitress, which I financed out of guilt (I also funded a PSA called August Thrush but it was recut to make a poignant movie – I’m pretty kind). Now instead of her success depending on the length of her hair, she is being overlooked for Emmy Awards and battling whichever animal Andy Serkis most recently played.

It was such a treat catching up on the good old days and to see that her hair is as luscious as the world wants it to be (aside, must secure a shampoo commercial for Connie Britton and Kez). We laughed about Scott Foley’s obsession with me, Jeremy Sisto’s obsession with me … and, who could forget, Andy Serkis’ obsession with me, before sitting down to a light Keri Brussell Sprout Salad.

 

keri-brussell-sprouts-salad-1

 

Oh, I forgot … Cheryl Hines was also obsessed with me, but I’ve digressed.

While most people either hate or simply tolerate brussel sprouts, they would have to be my favourite vegetable. Even when steamed to within an inch of its life and the water is gone out the pan and now tastes smoked, slather on a knob of butter and those little balls have my heart.

Don’t even go there.

Anyway, it is autumn in Australia and despite still having sweat dripping of my balls on the daily, that means lettuce is now for suckers. Shred these little bad boys with some fried, salty bacon, sharp cheese and some nuts and you have a testicular inspired, culinary delight.

Enjoy!

 

keri-brussell-sprouts-salad-2

 

Keri Brussell Sprouts Salad
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 rashers streaky bacon, roughly diced
350g brussels sprouts
¼ cup red wine vinegar
1 clove garlic, crushed
3 tbsp olive oil
60g parmesan cheese, grated
¼ cup almonds, roughly chopped and toasted
¼ cup flat leaf parsley

Method
Heat a small frying pan over medium heat and cook bacon for a couple of minutes, until golden and crisp. Remove to drain on a paper towel.

While the bacon is chilling out, roughly shred the sprouts and transfer to a bowl. Add the remaining ingredients, bacon included, and toss well to combine.

Devour and remind yourself to always think through your haircuts.

 

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Short and curly

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Can she become
Can she become
My new favourite celebrity date?

New week
New month
A new celeb dropping by my home
I don’t remember (why we haven’t seen each other in so long)

Ne-ew time spent with you
I ne-ed time for me (to plan what to make)

What fo-od can I serve you
Keri, what can I cook that best reflects the close friendship you once shared with me

Fuck – I just remembered why we lost touch …

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Mont LeBlanc

Dessert, Sweets

Bless little Matty – he is such a doll!

While he doesn’t enjoy being upstaged by my animatronic pet chimpanzees or Matt Pez’s … sarcastic punchlines, he is a ride or die friend. Fun fact, our friendship inspired the entire Fast and or Furious saga – RIP Paul Walker (thank you for the Joy Ride your buns gave me).

Sure, as is the custom with being our friend, we have had some rough times after he refused to give his Married … with Children co-star and our legal guardian Christina Applegate a role in Lost in Space (ugh, Heather Grahvom), but he was kind enough to forgive us for advising him that a Joey spin-off was a good idea, so we are even.

Matty really helped put me back on the right path and work through my guilt and grief of what has happened over Christmas – oh, FYI, I am actually Annelie’s evil twin Ennelie.

I’ve had such a busy week – what with hosting Nigella Lawson’s Brisbane Q&A and acting as a mentor to David Sedaris – that I barely had time for poor Matt. Thankfully Nigella gave me the idea for a speedy Mont LeBlanc.

 

Mont LeBlanc-1

 

While I have to give credit to dear Nigey for the original express version of a Mont Blanc – I will blow my own trumpet and say that melting the chocolate and whipping it through the chestnut makes for a smoother, sweeter dessert.

Enjoy!

 

Mont LeBlanc-2

 

Mont LeBlanc
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
100g good-quality dark chocolate
1/4 tsp almond essence
500ml double cream
2 meringue nests
500g sweetened chestnut purée

Method
Break the chocolate into a medium, microwavable bowl and melt in the microwave on high for ten second intervals until down. Leave to cool slightly.

Place the cream in a large bowl and lightly whip it until soft peaks form. Fold through one of the crumbled meringues.

In an electric mixer, whisk the chestnut purée on medium speed and add in the chocolate and almond essence, continuing to whisk for a minute to combine.

Spread the chocolate/chestnut mixture evenly amongst four martini glasses, top with the cream/meringue mixture and crumbled excess meringue.

Devour immediately and pretend you made the purée and meringue from scratch and were very busy.

 

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He’ll be (t)here for me

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

No one told me life was gonna be this way, what with Annelie’s amnesia and Miley’s now almost-normal length tongue.

Yes, my job’s a joke (well I treat it as such), I’m broke (compared to a Vanderbilt) and my love life, with Skarsy, is once again DOA.

I was feeling like I was stuck in second gear over the weekend, what with it not having been my day, my week, my month but gosh darn it after getting a call from Matt to catch up, I just know it is going to be my year.

My dear friend, whom I ironically refer to as Shooter as he is packing anything but blanks, Matt and I have been there for each other since meeting on the set of Ed where he was co-starring with my recently purchased chimpanzee Lionel von Shunteece.

Lionel’s impeccable and more believable acting made Matt sad and wanting to be there for him, when the rain started to fall, I gave Lionel to my dear friend Paris Hilton as a sign of solidarity, setting Paris on the path of bizarre and irritating pets.

What says thanks for being there for me too-oo?

Picture source: Matthew Ralston / NBCU Photo Bank.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.