Month: August 2017

Puff Daddy Pizza

Main, Pizza, Side, Snack

Sometimes you just need to party and get wild with your gang, to feel like yourself again. You know?

While we’ve been feuding since my egregious snubbing from the Bad Boy Records 20th Anniversary Tour, we both realised that life is more enjoyable with the other in it and he kindly agreed to reconnect.

As you can imagine, as co-founders of Bad Boy Entertainment, Puff and I have been involved in our fair share of scandals – the nightclub shooting probs being our most famous … despite the fact you legally cannot prove I was there or involved – but we truly never meant no harm, just partying hard like young guys a wont to do.

Despite announcing that he was planning to quit the music biz to focus on his acting career and the fact that was my idea for him, I was hoping that our reconnection would be enough to force him out of retirement to remake I’ll Be Missing You with me.

Which he obviously was hella keen for.

That being said, I did have to work overtime to convince him to change his mind with me, so I had to whip up one of my favourite shortcut meals. Enter my Puff Daddy Pizza.

 

 

I first flirted with puff pastry pizzas – and calzones – while a poor uni student slash up-and-coming-rapper, and to be honest, they are oft better than their pillowy or crip doughed equivalents. Flakey, light and most importantly simple, these babies are the perfect mid week meal or work lunch … for the working rapper.

Enjoy!

 

 

Puff Daddy Pizza
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 italian sausages
2 sheets frozen puff pastry
2 tbsp tomato paste
2 tbsp mixed dried Italian herbs, chef’s choice
¼ cup sundried tomatoes, shredded
¼ cup chargrilled capsicum, shredded
¼ cup black olives, sliced
¼ cup chargrilled artichokes
1 tbsp dried chilli flakes
200g feta cheese
mozzarella cheese, just to add some stringiness … not so much necessary

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Heat a small skillet over medium heat and remove the sausages from their casings, frying them into small meatballs for a couple of minutes.

Place each sheet of puff pastry on a lined baking sheet and smear each with tomato paste and dried herbs. Sprinkle over the cooked sausage, chargrilled vegetables, feta, chilli and a little mozzarella, to taste.

Place in the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until the cheese has melted and the pastry is puffed and glorious. Devour.

 

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He be missing me

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

After back-to-back catch-ups with absolute sweethearts – love you both Sade and Milk! – I decided I needed to get back on brand, and reconnect with my fave bad-boy Puff “Sean Combs, P Diddy, Puffy, Diddy” Daddy.

I first met Puff while he was interning at Uptown Records. I was a member of Mary J Blige’s entourage at the time, and we worked together to make her a star. Seeing that he too had talent, I convinced him to start rival label Bad Boy Entertainment … and the rest, as they say, is history.

What do I make that says I too, have been missing you and all the fun we used to have in the clubs with J-Lo (who I also must catch-up with soon)?

Image source: Unknown.

 

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Kent Nelsonion Rings

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Side, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor, Tara and Anneliese were voted out of Samatau and were saved by the game’s first twist, switching tribes instead. As there must be balance, Ben and Henry volunteered to switch from Asaga, leaving the Jac of Jacry all alone. After losing immunity, Luke then finally claimed the upper hand, pulling in the new Asagans and booting my dear Queen Jacqui.

Returning to camp, Luke was feeling hella confident after blindsiding Jacry and taking control of Asaga … which feels more like pride cometh before the fall. Michelle was also thrilled, as was Tara who pointed that each of the original tribes were eight and eight, making me feel like she isn’t all Asaga strong. Poor Kent on the other hand, was feeling on the outs and was desperately trying to keep his feelings in check.

We returned to Asaga the next day where Anneliese and Tara were feeling up, surviving against all odds. Sarah then pointed out a rainbow and made my heart swell. On the other end of the mood spectrum, Kent was still feeling pretty crummy though hoped that being underestimated could help him dodge yet another vote. Anneliese, Tara, Sarah and Michelle then gossiped about Kent, with the latter saying that Odette and Kent were behaving like the children she nannies. Though she DGAF that he is against her, since she is playing harder. Do I have a Jacs replacement already?

Over at Samatau, Ziggy was fanging for a swim while we finally heard from Bern? Ben, who said that as the youngest, he was missing being doted on by his parents though was glad to be on Samatau, where people were respecting him. We were then treated to Jarrad trying to woo him over, which my gut is saying is going to end up like Ziggy flipping to Tara and Locky. Ben agreed to get rid of Henry to get further, though I reiterate, the conversation seemed more about seeing if Ben knew about an idol rather than aligning.

On the Henry note, he was feeling extremely confident in his charm, and the majority he left back at Asaga … which was destroyed at the last tribal council. Shit is gonna be awkward in a few minutes!

As expected, JoJo arrived for reward where my little Henny arrived to discover that his girl was booted at the last tribal council, leaving Luke and Tara with the biggest shit-eating grins imaginable. He tried to act like it didn’t hurt, but you could tell it really did. Locky then spoke about how good it was to see both Tara and Anneliese, which started painting the target back on their backs. Jonathan then explained the rules for an ice-cream reward, where the tribes had to push a cart of puzzles up a course before building a palm tree.

Kent was inexplicably removed from the challenge for medical reasons, before Ziggy and Locky completely dominated Luke and Jericho to get Samatau out to a huge lead. Ben being Ben, he then struggled with some knots before the combination of Henry, AK, Ben and Tessa tried to maintain their lead with Anneliese, Sarah, Odette and Jericho on their tails. Close to the end, Samatau discovered they had made some mistakes, allowing Asaga to claim a come from behind victory. Which is obvi my favourite kind.

Arriving at their ice cream reward, Jericho seemed to cream his shorts while the rest of the tribe were feeling pretty damn good. Just not cream in your shorts good, you know. He then devoured a shit tonne of ice cream before pointing out his lactose intolerance. They then started throwing hella shade at AK – which I can always get behind – before Anneliese stubbled upon a clue which led her to another, which she got sprung trying to find.

Before we could see if Anneliese had just screwed herself, we returned to Samatau where Henny was smarting over Jacqui’s boot while the OG Samatauns were thrilled – or angry, I don’t know – to discover Tara and Anneliese survived. While Henry was shook, Ben tried to use it to his advantage by pointing out to AK that he has no options left without Jacqui.

Back at reward, Anneliese was still removing husks from the palm pretending that she was looking for firewood where she finally found the clue without anyone noticing. It instructed her that the idol was hidden at the next immunity challenge, as such, she decided it was important to share the clue with someone to run cover, choosing Naomi Campbell’s mate Sarah. Thankfully Sarah was thrilled with the news, as she could use said news to extricate from her newly formed alliance of Luke and Jericho … filling me with equal parts hope and pride.

Things were still not looking up for Henry on Samatau where he spoke to Locky about how he was royally screwed without Jacs. He obviously then decided that creating his own beach-drawn game would be the best way to ingratiate himself with the tribe, which won over Ziggy and made Ben look like an absolute moron. That being said, Tessa and AK knew that his likability was a problem for their games and because of that, he needs to go ASAP.

Anneliese and Sarah awoke on day 24 to plot how best to snatch the idol at the upcoming immunity. Given the fact Anneliese is becoming the puzzle queen, she couldn’t actually snatch it for herself and instead handed over the clue and responsibility to Sarah to snatch.

On that note, JoJo returned for said immunity challenge where Jericho gloated about the previous reward before Henry pointed out that he and Ben were on the outs and in desperate need of a win. The challenge involved the tribes transporting disc along a rope challenge before releasing them, pushing them up a ramp, into a barrel and then up a shoot – where the idol was hidden – to release the puzzle pieces. As seems to be the case, Samatau got out to an early led with Ben – shockingly – turning in a strong performance, while poor Sarah was left to untangle the discs for Asaga solo. Will Sarah even make it to the idol before Samatau finish? It isn’t looking good.

Samatau continued to extend their lead, getting the puzzle pieces before Sarah – finally joined by Jericho – had even finished the first obstacle. Anneliese then paces the course, desperate to snatch the idol while Samatau snatched immunity. After successfully taking the idol, Anneliese joined her tribe before Henry handed an idol clue over to Jericho out of nowhere making me hopeful that he planted a fake idol where he found the old one and I forgot. Did that happen and we’re about to see Luke or Jericho humiliated? Please.

The defeated Asaga returned to camp, trying to make themselves feel better about their loss. While everyone was upset, Luke was loving it since he was in control … which feels like he is being set up for a fall. Anneliese and Sarah disappeared to discuss their alliance, with Sarah continuing her strong gameplay by confirming she Anneliese’s idol is hers alone and she wanted to work with her as best as she could.

Sensing he is next to go, Kent opened up his strategy shop down the beach hoping to lure people over to discuss options with him. After an awkwardly long period of sitting lazily at the end of the beach, Tara approached Kent to see if he was open to getting rid of Michelle which is what he was hoping anyway. Tara then approached Anneliese to get rid of Michelle, which the latter wasn’t keen on given the fact Sarah wouldn’t be keen on it. Tara then approached Luke about keeping strength, with Luke suggesting Odette – who is the strongest woman left in the game – instead of Kent.

Michelle, Anneliese and Sarah discussed the upcoming vote by the fire, where Michelle started to drink the overconfidence kool aid which appears to have rubbed Sarah the wrong way. She then approached Kent to discuss the fact he and Odette were next to go, which he countered that the options were actually Michelle and Kent. Given that Sarah is aligned with Michelle, she tried to sway the vote to Luke or Jericho instead to lock in a majority and take control.

They arrived at tribal council where JLP was quick to rub in the fact they completely bombed the immunity challenge, with Jericho and Luke  explaining the loss in an extremely basic manner. Michelle spoke about how difficult the challenge was, before Anneliese admitted that they are kinda screwed given the fact that Samatau was stacked with athletic members. Michelle then raised some eyebrows talking about getting rid of threats and keeping people she can trust, rather than strength. Odette, Jericho and Luke debated which was the right option, before Michelle and Kent were outed as causing most of the disharmony in the tribe. After talking about not really getting on, Kent offended Michelle by pointing she doesn’t contribute much at camp. She then challenged him to point out how he does any better, which he struggled with. Sarah then spoke about the fact there is a clear majority, though those on bottom should be working hard to claim back the majority. Despite signalling that she was on the precipice of flipping, Sarah stuck with current majority to take out my speedo loving daddy Kent.

Since he is the Chief Financial Officer of a Government Department, I have long known to keep my dear friend Kent on my good side. How do I do that, you ask? By whipping up a big batch of my Kent Nelsonion Rings.

 

 

Despite the fact it is bleedingly obvious that you can’t go past fried food when looking for comfort, I figure I should do my best to sell you on these babies. Though the crisp batter, sweet, melting onion and whack of salt kinda do that for me, no?

Enjoy!

 

 

Kent Nelsonion Rings
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 large onions
125ml milk
1 egg
70g flour
2 tbsp cornflour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp muscovado sugar
½ tsp salt
½ tsp paprika
oil, for fryin’

Method
Slice the onions into 1cm wide rings and heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat until 180°C.

Whisk the wet and dry ingredients together, separately – aka wet together, dry together – before whisking them all together.

Dip the onions in the batter and fry a few pieces at a time for a couple of minutes, or until golden and crisp. Transfer to some kitchen towel and repeat the process until the onion is all gone.

Season with salt and pepper and devour, in a melancholic yet accepting manner.

 

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Choccy Milk

Drink, RuPaul's Drag Race, Snack, Sweets

I’ve really been feeling the need to put some base in my walk lately, and instantly knew that it meant I needed some drag in my life. As such, I reached out to my favourite thirst trap slash friend Milk aka Daniel Daddy Donigan.

Despite what rumours people may or may not have heard, Milk unplugged from social media for the last few weeks due to us taking a best-friends trip. Sometimes you just need to disconnect to truly all shine and be your most sickening selves, you know?

Milky and I have known each other for years, with little Dan being my only ice skating student slash protege to stick by me after I was unfairly dragged into the Kerrigan/Harding scandal of 1994.

To confirm, for legal reasons, there is no proof I was involved, and Nancy and I have become the closest of friends. I really need to catch-up with her soon …

Despite my complete lack of figure-skating knowledge, Milk became quite the little ice star. After quitting skating, Milk was looking for a creative outlet and was inspired by his delightful manfriend to start drag and Milk was born.

It was such a treat to have such a delightful three week vacation – together that definitely occurred – to unwind and reconnect. Given Milk is the drag queen that makes me thirstiest – my thirst only being exacerbated by the abnormally warm August we’re suffering in Brisbabe ATM – I knew there was only one thing I could share with my udderly fabulous henny girl, a nice long glass of Choccy Milk.

 

 

Like all good toddlers – or those that behave like them – I love me some chocolate milk. Sweet and creamy, you can’t help but gulp it down. It truly is the all star of the dairy world, no? I mean, even in this heat, milk wasn’t a bad choice.

Enjoy!

 

 

Choccy Milk
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ cup muscovado sugar
⅓ cup water
⅓ cup valrhona cocoa powder
1 tsp vanilla extract
6 cups cold milk
pinch of salt

Method
Combine the sugar and water in a small saucepan, and bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer, while whisking in the cocoa powder until smooth. Remove from the heat and whisk in the vanilla. Leave to cool completely.

When you’re ready to down some dairy, pour some chocolate syrup in a glass – about 3 tablespoons is good, but you can do to taste – and top with cold milk. Stir and down.

 

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Chicken Sades

Main, Poultry, Side, Snack

I feel like I say this often, but words honestly cannot do justice to how kind, sweet and divine my girl Sade is. It’s kind of weird that I appreciate kindness in others, when I value ruining the careers of any celebs that cross me. I truly should be studied.

But enough about me, Sade and I have been dear friends for decades and I am the reason the smooth operator made the switch from a fashion career to music.

Obviously it was me that suggested Sade, Stuart and the Pauls deflect from Pride and start up a rival band in the ‘80s. I was the inspiration behind the songs – including but not limited to, obvi – You’re Love is King, Smooth Operator (changed from masturbater for “mass” appeal, apparently), Sweetest Taboo and No Ordinary Love. It was also me that successfully campaigned for her to become a Commander of the Order of the British Empire earlier this year.

Given that last fact, Sade had come over to thank me for always championing her career and ensuring she gets the recognition she so greatly deserves. Can you believe it? A doll. The woman is an absolute doll.

It was such a treat to kick back and catch-up over expensive champagne, imported Iranian caviar and a big old batch of my Chicken Sades (… as a booze chaser).

 

 

A little bit spicy, a dash of sweetness and packed full of nuts, the satay works perfectly with the tender chicken leaving a party in your mouth, to which everyone is invited. That sounds wrong … or like the sweetest taboo TBH.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chicken Sades
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g chicken breasts, cut into strips or dice … I don’t mind. You do you, boo
peanut oil
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
4 shallots, thinly sliced
1 tsp chilli flakes
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 tsp soy sauce
1 tsp tamarind paste
¼ cup crunchy peanut butter
1 can coconut milk

Method
Thread the chicken onto metal skewers and allow to rest, covered in the fridge, for about half an hour.

While they are chilling, heat a small lug of peanut oil in a small frying pan and fry the garlic, shallots and chilli for a few minutes or until the kitchen is fragrant. Add the sugar, soy sauce, tamarind and peanut butter, and stir to combine. Add the coconut milk and cook until thickened.

Remove the skewers and cook the chicken your preferred method brushing with satay sauce as you go, I went baked because they were too long for my griddle and I’m morally against BBQs. I mean, sure, the satay sauce went a bit crunchy … but it tasted delicious.

Plus, you serve it with any leftover sauce … before devouring.

 

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Jaquiche Patterson

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Main, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor, AK and Tessa had taken control of Samatau putting Tara on the outs alongside my furry-bunned dreamboat Locky. Meanwhile over at Asaga, Henry finally threw an immunity challenge to boot Sam, pissing off Mark. After losing yet another immunity challenge, Mark tried to bring Luke and Jericho over to his side to break up the true Asaga power-couple Jacry. Thankfully he failed and quickly followed his lady-love out the door, giving us another week of killer Jacqui facial expressions.

Asaga returned to camp where Henry was pissed that Mark had outed he and Jacs as the power couple, though could appreciate how well he spoke at tribal. After the tribe retired to sleep, Jericho pulled a low-rent Queen Sandra Diaz-Twine/on-par Tai Trang and put out the fire to avenge Mark’s boot. Given the fact that there was torrential rain, it kind of seemed like the most redundant revenge, but you do you boo.

The next day things were looking up at Samatau where Locky was feeling excited to be playing Survivor and relishing the opportunity to go for an early morning fish. He then spoke about being on the bottom, which is something he isn’t used to? Girl, that’s a waste. He returned to camp with a small fish, and then proceeded to work, providing for the tribe while King AK just chilled. This obviously pissed him off, once again approaching Ziggy about the possibility of getting rid of AK … which she agreed should be a priority, since he cannot be trusted.

Things were still gloomy over at Asaga where they were without fire thanks to Australia’s Tai, Jericho. Luke then bitched to Jericho about the tribe wanting him to rebuild the fire that Jericho put out. I’m going to be honest, they annoy me.

Sensing my rage building, JLP arrived for the reward challenge where Samatau were shocked to discover Mark was booted at the last tribal council. Jericho then did a terrible job at hiding the fact that he was pissed about the decision, painting an even bigger target on his back. Jericho, goodbye. The challenge involved six people balancing a ball on a disc while traversing an obstacle course, before two cast members shoot their ball at four targets for a luxury reward involving wine, cheese and waterfalls – I assume to chase. While Samatau got out to an early lead, Asaga caught up and overtook on final obstacle before Kent and Henry secured Asaga’s first reward of the game.

They arrived at the reward where they were ecstatic to see the waterfall shower, and a table full of booze, cheese and cake. Luke and Henry were the first to brave the showers where they discovered each table had a note. Assuming it was an idol clue, they both shoved them down their pants before later discovering they were actually just a pouch of scissors and tweezers. Obviously that wasn’t discovered until after Ben stared at himself in the mirror for an exorbitant amount of time and Luke felt it necessary to shave his balls. Why couldn’t have Locky won this one and given us another steamy nude scene? It’s been weeks!

Speaking of our island stud, Locky reminded us that he was in a very shit spot in the tribe. He and Ziggy were once again the only ones working hard, trying to keep the fire alight during even more torrential rain. They had a big old bitch about AK being lazy before Ziggy finally cracked and got Locky to promise that AK would be the next to go, when they go to tribal.

The next day Asaga were back to feel hungry despite a huge reward just 24 hours prior. Despite vowing not to get the fire started, Luke decided that being the provider would actually be a good idea, got it going and decided that he was the new power player of the tribe. Jacry noticed that Luke was stepping it up and trying to play the game, so decided that he needs to go ASAP, particularly over the useless pair of Michelle – who is actually a goddess – and Ben. But seriously, make this happen ASAP.

Given that each tribe had lined up a target, JLP returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes had to split into pairs and run through an obstacle course, untying a series of knots to open a gate, dismantling a bamboo wall to build a bridge, complete a vertical peg maze and pulled a sled with a lit torch to the other end of the course and light a cauldron. Poor Jacs struggled big time on the knots, giving Samatau an early lead which Luke and Ben almost closed, had Luke not struggled horrifically, allowing Ziggy and Pete to almost complete the third obstacle before the boys finished the second. Turns out the puzzle was far harder than I’d assumed as a spectator, as Henry and Jericho managed to catch-up and release their keys first. Asaga then pulled their sled past a still-struggling Pete and Ziggy and secured Asaga immunity.

Back at Samatau, Tara was feeling extremely nervous about tribal council and was putting all of her eggs in Ziggy’s basket. Everyone disappeared to discuss the vote, leaving Locky and Tara alone at camp. AK was feeling extremely confident, which he should, given the fact his alliance is made up of five people in an eight person tribe. He then floated the idea of bringing Anneliese in to split the vote between Locky and Tara, in case of an idol. Anneliese then proved that she is playing better than we’ve been shown, knowing that she is better off letting them think she is splitting the votes with them, so they can get rid of AK without having an actual majority. AK then slinked – slunk? – around in the bushes, Ziggy and Anneliese agreed to get rid of AK and Locky and Tara tried to pretend that they aren’t getting another potential lifeline.

At tribal, JLP was quick to rub some salt in Samatau’s wounds, pointing out the fact Peter and Ziggy completely blew the challenge. Tara then spoke about being shocked by Aimee’s blindside and how she was sure that she’s the one to go tonight. Locky jumped on the pretending we’re down and out bandwagon, and spoke about how he was trying to show his worth (note: get nude again, that may help). He then pointed out that AK was in charge, which he obviously denied, before Tessa was very arrogant about the fact she took back control of the game, despite the fact she owed it all to Tarzan as Locky, the shadiest queen of all, kindly pointed out.

After Locky’s last ditch effort to point out that he works hard and does it for the benefit of the tribe, while AK is only out for himself – which, yes, is the game … but it’s AK – the tribe headed to vote where a couple rolled in for Locky, before resulting in a tie between AK and Tara. The tribe then voted again where Tara was voted out … but not alone, as JoJo announced that they’d be voting out a second person.

One by one the tribe voted again with Tara watching on, before Ziggy, Tessa and AK got petty/iconic and screamed their votes for Anneliese, sending her out of the tribe with Tara … though not out of the game. Yes, peeps – we’ve got a surprise faux-tribal tribe swap! Instead of exiting the game, the girls were to spend a night on exile before joining Asaga the next day.

I’d just like to mark the end of the non-elimination episode and beginning of episode nine by pointing out that it has now been seven episodes since Locky’s cakes writhed around in the sand.

#neverforget

We quickly checked in with the outcasts of exile island where Tara and Anneliese were feeling all around shitty. The were hungry, cold and Tara had cried herself to sleep starting to think about what she is missing out on back at home. Thankfully Anneliese gave her a much-needed pep-talk and got her head back in the game, both vowing to make the most of their second chances, not to be confused with second chances.

Meanwhile an oblivious Asaga were not loving life, resorting to ogling a slimming Kent. In her defense, my girl Jacs was loving life, despite missing booze and her husband – same girl – and has to put up with some extremely annoying people. Given that she holds all the power, she is tolerating it. Ben, Michelle, Luke and Jericho then sat in the shelter and bitched about Jacs for not delivering their rice, despite the fact they were just bitching about her. Michelle, don’t push me.

Finally, JLP returned with Tara and Anneliese as Asaga arrived at a beach expecting a reward challenge. Instead, they were told that they had to pick two people to swap to Samatau to replace the girls. Ben, who is completely on the outs anyway, offered to go … followed by Henry. Henry. HENRY?! Breaking Jacs and my hearts, and shocking Tara and Anneliese who believe it to be a death sentence. On the flipside, they are now in the driving seat at Asaga in the middle of the two warring factions.

Testing out Tara’s psychic ability, Henry and Ben arrived at Samatau where the tribe were surprisingly thrilled to see them. Except AK, obvi, who was (rightfully) confused as to why Henry would volunteer to go over to Samatau where he has no control, or even an ally. While Henry laid on the charm as thickly as possible, AK sat in the corner of the camp and pouted like a rich school kid that has finally realised money can’t buy you friends. Or class. Feeling threatened, AK tried to lie and say that he is in danger to lull Henry into a false sense of security. Further proving he isn’t as smart as Locky thinks, Henry approached Locky and they quickly unravelled his lies filling me with hope that they’ll align and get rid of my nemesis AK.

Meanwhile Anneliese was quick to upset things at Asaga, asking how they really feel to have her and Tara as replacements for their best and worst challenge performers. While Jacs was hoping to get rid of one of the ex-Samatauns, Tara and Anneliese made quick work of distancing themselves from the tribe that just voted them out and to spill as much tea as they needed to, to win friends. Despite Jacs’ assurance that Asaga didn’t have any clear alliances, Luke and Michelle took Tara for a walk to tell her otherwise and swing the girls to the minority to take control. As exciting as that flip would be, I don’t want to see it happen at the expense of Jacs. Particularly when it benefits Jerichoke, my new name for the insufferable Jericho/Luke alliance.

After so much excitement, JLP returned for an immunity challenge allowing fair contact, breaking my heart that Henry and Locky are now on the same side and won’t battle to the nudity. The tribes had to fight for a ball before passing it off to a person on the platform who then had to kick the ball in a goal. Kent quickly tried to become my favourite in the first round, tugging at the front of Locky’s pants (like me in my dreams) before AK scored the first goal for Samatau. Luke and Henry battled it out in the second round before Luke took the ball and passed it to Samatau’s Ben, who obvi missed on his first go. Thankfully he redeemed himself after Henry took out Kent, giving Samatau a 2-0 lead. Odette dominated Jarrad in the third round before Luke missed the kick, Jericho then passed the ball to AK who sadly missed before Luke got the ball back from Jericho again and got Asaga on the board. In the fourth round, Henry dominated Luke, Locky dominated Kent and Sarah and Ziggy made straight men’s dreams come true before AK finally secured victory for new-Samatau on his fourth kick.

Sadly, no nudity. What the actual fuck.

Things were looking bleak back at new-Asaga, with Tara and Anneliese sure that they’ll be voted out for realsies. Jacs too was feeling nervous, though was hoping to push the Asaga strong line via Kent, to avoid looking like she is in control. While it all looked locked after Kent’s quick walk around, Michelle approached Jerichoke to talk about joining with Tara and Anneliese to snatch control and get rids of Jacs … which was literally planned a par ago. Sarah joined the fray to make things interesting, approaching Jericho and Michelle to see what the plan is and agreed to get rid of Jacs. The conversation however went on a little too long, making Jacs and Kent nervous enough to switch the vote to Sarah, another tragedy. Kent then approached Anneliese and Tara to get them onboard and retain control of the tribe.

Jonathan was quick to ask about Henry and Ben deflecting to the other side, which Jericho was quick to point out it could have been a great, selfish move for either of them. Jacs used it as an opportunity to point out that she and Henry mustn’t be a power couple if he was willing to flip, before Michelle rightly pointed out that maybe he went over because he felt so safe that he wanted to make more friends. Anneliese pointed out that she and Tara have no other options, so they are good allies to take forward. JoJo then spoke to Sarah, which seemingly opened up a can of worms, with everyone talking in riddles about who they’d be targeting to convince the newbies to join them.

The tribe then voted and tragedy struck, as Queen Jacs found herself booted from the game as the eighth boot. Let’s take a moment’s silence and remember her classic one-liners and killer side eye. As a fan of champagne and sass, it should come as absolute no shock that Jacs and I are the best of friends. Fun fact: after the plebishite bullshit is done in Australia, Jacs has offered to oversee my vow-renewal as she is the only person as sassy as the woman that married my husband and I.

Anyway – when she walked into loser lodge, I honestly couldn’t tell you who was more distressed. Though I will, it was me. After playing such a dominant first half of the game, one selfish, miscalculated move from Henry became her undoing and the only thing I could do was whip her up her favourite Jacquiche Patterson.

 

 

Creamy custard, bubbling egg, molten tomatoes and the constant unchanging nature of corn – it literally can not be broken down by our bodies, thus it appearing in every vom and shit you have – are the perfect combination to help you eat your feelings for our fallen goddess.

Bet you’re hungry after the shit and vom talk, right? Enjoy!

 

 

Jaquiche Patterson
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 sheets frozen shortcrust pastry, defrosted
6 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1 cup milk
salt and pepper, to taste
a couple of sprigs fresh thyme leaves
1 cup frozen corn kernels, defrosted and drained
a small handful of cherry tomatoes, halved
½ cup grated vintage cheddar cheese

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C and roll the sheets of pastry together with a pin to form a single, slightly thicker but way bigger piece of pastry.

Press the pastry into a quiche dish, line with baking paper, fill with baking weights and blind bake for fifteen minutes. Remove the weights and baking paper and cook for a further five minutes. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

Reduce the heat of the oven to 160°C.

Meanwhile whisk the eggs, sour cream, milk, salt and pepper and thyme to combine in a large bowl. Scatter the corn and tomatoes inside the quiche dish, top with the cheese and pour over the egg mixture. Return to the oven and bake for 45 minutes, or until browned and just set.

Allow to rest for fifteen minutes before devouring.

 

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The smoothest operator

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I don’t know whether it is the fact we’re both accomplished musicians, fashionistas and/or Officers of the Order of the British Empire, but the relationship Sade and I share could only be described as no ordinary love.

Sads and I have been the best of friends since the ‘70s, after studying fashion design together at Saint Martin’s School of Art. We both used to sing to ourselves while designing and I suggested that she take up the sweetest taboo professionally.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

She gave me a buzz over the weekend to see if we could catch up, to which I obviously said yes. What do I make that says thanks for going to coast to coast, LA to Brisbane-o, for your fave western male?

Image source: David Montgomery/Getty Images.

 

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Alfredo Enoch

Main, Pasta, Vegetarian

Oy – how sweet my dear Alfie is!

As you know, Alfie awakened my sexuality way back when in 2001. I had hated the idea of wizardy but then he showed me his wand on the set and I instantly became a fan. You could say it was the moment I became woke.

While Dan, Em, Rups and – swoon – Tom were the stars of the actors of our generation, I only had eyes for Alfs and we spent all of our time on sent hanging out, connecting, exploring our chambers of secrets and marvelling at our pendulous philosopher’s stones.

Given that Alfie went – essentially – straight from Harry Potter to How to Get Away with Murder (plus I was banned from the UK from ‘11-’14 … so I couldn’t reach out), we haven’t been able to spend much time together since the good old Hogtiedwarts days.

It was the Ekka holiday here is Brisbane yesterday, so I obviously took Alfs straight from the airport to the show – to warm up on some Snoop Daggywood Doggs, obvi – before stopping at home to plot where his career can go post that strangely-sexual relationship he had with Academy Award Winner Viola Davis.

Since I don’t want to spoil any of our genius options or ruin his opportunities, all I can say is that you haven’t seen the last of Alfie, nor have you seen the last of my Alfredo Enoch.

 

 

There is something so nostalgic about slurping down some creamy pasta with a shirtless Alfie. Even without that delicious visual though, this meal would be a winner – hearty, comforty and delicately cheesey with a good punch of garlic, you really can’t go wrong.

Though it is better off a plate of chiselled abs.

Enjoy!

 

 

Alfredo Enoch
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g fettuccine
125g unsalted butter
2 garlic cloves, minced
small handful of flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
1 cup double cream
1 cup pecorino, grated
1 large egg yolk
salt and pepper, to taste
extra pecorino or parmesan, to serve

Method
Bring a pot of salted water to the boil over high heat. Once aggressively boiling away, add the pasta and cook as per packet instructions.

Meanwhile, melt the butter in a medium saucepan over low heat until starting to foam. Add the garlic and cook, stirring, for a couple of minutes before adding the parsley. Slowly pour in the cream and cheese and stir until the latter is completely melted. Remove from the heat and whisk through the yolk and season with a good whack of salt and pepper. Return to the heat and cook until slightly thickened.

By that point, the pasta should be done so drain in a colander and return to the pot, off the heat. Pour over the sauce, toss to combine and serve immediately. Cover in extra cheese and devour, nostalgically.

 

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Whipping out the wands

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

It is a fact universally acknowledged, that the stars of Harry Potter have all Neville Longbottomed. That being said, my boy Alfred Enoch has always kept my wand alert.

I’m not sure if I’ve touched on it yet, but I played an integral part of the Harry Potter films success by, including but not limited to, working as a script doctor, providing free acting coaching slash being the stunt and body double for Daniel Radcliffe – the bath scene was all me – and doing the motion capture work for Dobby, due to our similar proportions.

While I was super busy on set, I still found time to make friends and experience the throes of first love … the latter being where Alfie came in. It turned out to just be an on-set fling, but Alfie taught me how to open my heart and for that, we’ll always been the best of friends.

What says we need to come up with a plan now that you’ve been killed off How to get Away with Murder?

Image source: Unknown.

 

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Marktini Wales

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Drink, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, Tara flipped out on Peter for flipping after weeks of Tessa calling her a flipper, leaving Tara and Locky on the bottom with AK in control. Meanwhile Sam suffered a near drowning before Henry finally succeeded in throwing the immunity – after a four episode build-up – sending her out of the game as the sixth boot.

As Asaga returned to camp Henry and Queen Jacqui were feeling confident after pulling off their big move, while Mark skulked around silently like a predator. Not the predator, but a predator … like a lion, you know? We then heard from him where he shared that he was indeed pissed, would be holding a grudge, and hot damn, doesn’t anger look good on him?

Things were still looking bleak for Mark the next day – his rage level going from pissed to livid – before cornering Kent to find out what the hell happened at the last tribal council. While Kent was quick to cover for Jacqui and her involvement in the plot, though distanced himself a bit from Henry. All of it was for nought though, as Mark knew that they were definitely the ones pulling the strings. Jacs and Henny gurl then caught up while Jacs shared the intel from Kent’s walk, and Henry vowed to get rid of Markie Mark at the next opportunity.

Meanwhile things were looking up over at Samatau where we finally heard a bit more from Ziggy who likened the game to waterpolo, the sport she competed in at the olympics. Twice. Tara and Locky decided that the Olympic athlete was their best chance for survival, approaching her by the water to flip on AK a rejoin with them. While Ziggy agreed that AK is a threat that definitely needs to be dealt with, she wasn’t sure if the time was right … but knew that she holds the power and helping them could get her some favours down the track.

The rains returned , as did Locky’s glistening torso and the shark he’s been attempting to catch since before Henry started throwing immunity challenges. Like the great Tom Westman and Amanda Kimmel before him, Locky finally caught said shark with a machete and helped bring the tribe back together. The only thing that could have made the moment better was him being naked, but sadly, I can’t always get what I want. Which is fucked.

Back at Asaga Luke thought he’d hit the jackpot when a fresh coconut fell from the sky … which turned out to be a wasp nest, biting the shit out of him and making me worry that he won’t actually live to see day 55. Thankfully he survived the attack and decided to play it forward, pulling Mark aside, fuelling his Jacs/Henny rage and trying to plot splitting up my favourite power couple by knocking out Jacqui.

IF THAT HAPPENS, I WILL COME FOR YOU BOTH.

Finally JLP and his guns returned to our screens for, and I know I say this a lot, one of my favourite Survivor challenges – sumo! While Samatau were shocked to see Sam had been voted out, Asaga were equally shocked to hear about Locky’s fishing abilities. But that is not what we’re here to enjoy – each tribe had to send a person up to battle on a sumo platform and avoid falling into the mud moat. First up, Ziggy made quick work of my queen Jacs, before Jarrad was sent in by Mark despite a valiant effort. Odette gave Asaga the lead over Tara before Locky tied things up for Samatau, pushing Luke in before it even began. Anneliese then defeated Sarah, Tessa made quick work of Michelle, Kent took out Pete and Henry tied things up by beating AK.

Ziggy once again defeated Jacqui before Jarrad put up the biggest fight against Mark, despite losing again. Odette once again defeated Tara, Locky tied things up by defeating Luke, meaning it came down to a battle between Anneliese and Sarah. After a long, hard battle, Sarah showed why she survived Naomi Campbell putting up a huge fight, despite losing the battle and sending Asaga tribe back to tribal council.

Back at camp Henry was feeling the pressure after losing again, though was glad to have the opportunity to take out Mark before he can get revenge for the Sam vote. While he seemed to have the numbers, with Jacs, Kent, Odette, maybe Jericho, Sarah and Ben in a pinch, Mark got to work trying to pull people over to his side. He and Luke cleaned up the mud in the shore and tried to fashion a plan to take out Jacs, where junky Luke reappeared, give me zero hope for their success.

Luke then approached Jericho and Michelle to join them in voting Jacs, where Michelle uttered the immortal words of the one true Survivor queen Sandra. Luke and Michelle then tried to get Sarah on side, where the model showed how good at the game she is, pointing out that Mark will easily get the power back if they let him. She then agreed that she was with them, before telling us that once again she was in the driver’s seat at tribal. We then heard from Odette again, after Luke told her that everyone had switched to his side and were voting out Jacqui. And met Ben, who I believe bombed the last reward challenge, who said that Luke is Mr. Boombastic and would screw his game sooner, rather than later.

At tribal rubbed salt in Sarah’s wounds for losing the challenge before praising her for her effort – good boy JoJo. Henry then alluded to get rid of Mark, as did Odette, with both of them saying that keeping the strongest wasn’t always the best idea. Jericho then stopped the proceedings to say that basing the vote on vengeance is not a good idea and they need to come together, which Sarah kind of agreed with, saying that consistency was the key. Sensing he is on the way out the door, Mark pointed out that Jacry are in the power position and need to be split up, and get rid of Jacs. While Luke loved it based on his shit eating grin, Jacqui was well pissed, giving some killer side eye.

Everyone appeared to be going back and forth in their mind, making Henry very nervous, though he was smart enough to mention that he trusts the people he trusts for a reason before Jericho once again tried to lobby to get rid of one of the liabilities. Based off Jacs abs, I assume he isn’t insinuating that is her, making me wonder who he thinks is voting with him for Ben or Michelle? After Henry didn’t whip the idol out for Jacqui, the votes started rolling in evenly for Jacs and Mark, filling me with anxiety before they (thankfully) started piling up on Mark, sending him from the game and saving my favourite power couple.

While it may come as a shock since he has morals and I am aggressive slash unhinged, Mark and I have been dear friends for years having met when I was consulting with the army. Hey, my aggression is a tactically asset sometimes? While I was never able to convince him to go AWOL with me, we did bond as he took me under my wing and tried to make me a better person. I knew that he’d be gutted to be voted out, but too nice to really let rip, so plied him with liquor to add some excitement, in the form of my Marktini Wales.

 

 

While he didn’t spill any good tea – and I didn’t want to hear it, if it was about Jacry – I did get him drunk enough to pluck up the courage to ask out Sam. Maybe I should have shaken it, like bond?

Eh – enjoy!

 

 

Marktini Wales
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
ice
2 shots gin
1 shot dry vermouth
twist of lemon

Method
Combine the ice, gin and vermouth in a cocktail shaker and stir to combine … because despite what Bond would have you believe, shaking is barbaric.

Pour the liquid – aka not the ice – into a martini glass, add a twist of lemon and devour, gladly.

 

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