Chris McDouble

Burgers, Main, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Ghost Island, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, the second tribe swap put a pin in the long-simmering Chris and Dom feud with Naviti dwelling Dom amassing a collection of real and fake idols, a legacy advantage and complete control of the tribe. He wielded said power and influence to fell the greatest player of the game – lol, though greatest villain in forever – Bradley, sending him out to Loser Lodge before the real game ever got started.

Bucking with tradition, we opened to Yanuya and Malolo boating their way to Naviti, with Kellyn thrilled about the potential damage she could do. The Navitians arrived at the beach to welcome the rest of the merge tribe and discovered a note leading them to the other side of the island for a feast. Kellyn was thrilled, Michael felt he could finally find his feet and Dom quickly got the upperhand on Chris, giving a rousing speech to the tribe. Which TBH could paint a target on his back if Chris’ rap wasn’t so grating.

Chris and his nip-slip – swoon, I’m back – hung in the shelter when he discovered a note hidden inside his buff directing him to go to tree mail. Once there he discovered that an idol was his … if he is willing to jump on a boat in the middle of the night and participate in a quick challenge at Ghost Island without anyone noticing. Given his extreme confidence, he was all in and I love it. Though that could be the gratuitous butt and nip shots talking.

Back at camp Kellyn reacquainted herself with Chelsea, Dom and Wendell with Dom quickly saying he is Naviti strong aside for Chris. Wendell however isn’t ready to cut Chris, instead wanting to take out Michael or Libby first before the tribe goes Trump v. Kim Jong Il. Wendell played the UN role and tried to diffuse the tension between Chris and Dom and while the latter was confident, the sua-vay Chris refused to give them anything, shut it all down and firmly locked Wendell in the pro-booting-Chris camp.

That night Chris snuck away from camp as the tribe slept, arriving at a lit – literally – Ghost Island where he discovered he would be playing for J.T.’s Game Changers immunity idol, though this time it was only good for one tribal council. The game is that he can pick bamboo shoots and extend its life by one tribal … or lose his vote at the next tribal. While he was successful the first round, he lost his vote on the second round finishing with only safety at the next tribal.

The next day Chris channelled Bradley and ordered his tribemates to wait on him hand and foot. While Dom worked to rally Libby and Jenna over to his side, Chris got to work on securing Angela, Des and Laurel to his side. Dom thinks Chris is a joke, Chris thinks he is great, Dom thinks Chris is annoying, Chris loves Chris. Libby and Jenna weighed up who was the biggest threat out of Dom, who is strong and strategic, and Chris who they felt was loyal and easy to manipulate. In any event, they were both just glad to finally have a piece of power. Though that could always blow-up in their face, I suppose.

My boy Probst finally made an appearance for the first individual immunity challenge where the tribe would be required to balance on a beam and balance an idol on a long, hard rod above their head. Almost immediately Jenna was out, followed by Donathan – neither reverse the Malolo curse. Des and Angela soon followed before Probst made the tribe move to the thinner section of the beam which spelt trouble for Sebastien. Everyone else made the final section, Domenick barely … followed by Michael, Chris, Laurel and Wendell, leaving Kellyn, Libby and Chelsea to battle for immunity. The other girls continued to struggle after Chelsea dropped until Libby couldn’t hold on any longer, handing Kellyn the first immunity individual immunity of the season.

Back at camp the scrambling finally kicked it into high gear, with Chris summoning everyone but Domenick and Wendell to the well to get water and figure out how to split the vote between them. While Dom’s allies Laurel and Donathan agreed to the plan, and Chris rationalised it was the safest move for everyone … I don’t see it happening that easily. Meanwhile Dom and Wendell discovered they were alone, strengthening their resolve to get rid of Chris with the latter planning to use his idol if needs be. Thankfully Donathan and Laurel went straight to Dom and filled him in on the plan, with Donathan advised Dom stays away from Libby and Jenna despite the fact he thinks he has an in with them. While they spoke, Wendell approached Jenna, Libby and Sebastien to stop following Chris and find another option. On the flipside, Kellyn, Des, Chelsea and Angela reconvened at the vacated well to discuss taking out Libby instead while everyone else splits the vote.

The newly formed Lavita tribe finally arrived at tribal – Chris for the first time – with Probst trying to get some drama and Donathan continuing to be adorable, talking about all the new friends he made with the merge. Sebastien was a bit stoned and then Dom, finally, brought the excitement, talking about his simmering feud with Chris. He outed his fake idol which I think he sold as real, and spoke about Chris holding a grudge for him disagreeing with his first day decision. Chris said he was annoyed by Dom targeting Angela, Wendell countered he tried to go for them first. Chris was happy to finally draw a line in the sand, Dom and Wendell spoke about the well incident, which Angela defended as just wanting to stick with the majority. While Dom was terrified, Libby spoke about the stakes being high though doesn’t appear to be overly concerned for her safety. Kellyn on the other hand was super grateful to have immunity and Chris was just following his gut.

Chris’ ‘no vote’ followed a series of mysterious votes and one of the most iconic voting confessional, with Donald Glover’s cousin Wendell destroying Chris and his supposed rap skills. When it came time for idols, Dom decided to get rid of his Sierra Dawn-Thomas legacy advantage. Ultimately it was unnecessary, as the votes rolled in for Chris and Libby, with King Chris sent from the game and straight to the jury with J.T.’s idol in his pocket. Definitely not reversing the curse.

Thankfully I managed to stifle my laughter before the Noble One arrived at Ponderosa to take his place as its King for the year. While he took his exit from the game with grace and humility, he got a few licks in about Domenick as we reconnected – we met each other when he asked to be mentored as a rapper – and he waited for his post-boot Chris McDouble.

 

 

Yes, it’s another copycat burger recipe … but be honest, can you ever get enough? Perfectly seasoned beef, mustard, pickles, ketchup, perfectly melted cheese and the zing of some onion – don’t fight it, make it.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chris McDouble
Serves: 2-4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
salt and pepper, to taste
4 Kirsten Bunst, halved
American mustard, to taste
ketchup, to taste
1 onion, finely diced, refreshed in iced water and drained
4 pickles, sliced
8 slices American Cheese

Method
Drain as much blood from the mince and scrunch in a large bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper, and form into 8 even patties.

Heat a large skillet over high heat, reducing to low when scorching. Lightly toast the halved buns before cooking the patties for a couple of minutes. Flip the patties and cook for a further minute.

To assemble, smear the top half of the bun with ketchup and the bottom half with mustard. Place onion in the ketchup on the top and layer pickles on the bottom, place a patty on the bottom top with cheese, a second patty and a second piece of cheese. Close with the ketchupy-oniony bun and devour.

 

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Sandra Khebab

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Main, Poultry, Snack, Street Food, TV Recap

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Rio continued her fall from my graces while taking out her insecurity on others. Then things took a turn for the emotional, with the girls doing a raw beauty shoot and filming an anti-bullying PSA, leading to a seven-way tie for best photo while Erin and Christina landing in the bottom two, with Christina’s attitude helping her straight out the door.

Back at the house everyone but Erin rejoiced in their best photos, and Khrystyana continued to be the absolute sweetest. Sandra, Shanice, Brendi K and Kyla pulled themselves away to discuss the growing buzz killington that is Rio. Kyla and Sandra shared that they had overhead Rio calling Kyla stupid when she didn’t realise she was still in the room. To make her look even worse, Kyla shared that she suffered a traumatic brain injury while playing volleyball at school and now does struggle to understand things that she used to. Even if that wasn’t the case, it is still rude. Jeana interrupted the conversation and then went to fill her ride or die in on the conversation, which Rio felt was nothing more than a cry for attention.

Tyra Mail arrived announcing this week was social media week, leading to a visit from Tyra where she gave them tips to take a mirror selfie or air her grievances about all things selfie, I can’t really tell. She then ran through her slays, ciaos and dils, and showed the girls how it was done before introducing Jourdan Dunn, who stroked her ego and tasked the girls with shooting a selfie promoting Jourdan’s label with the winning girl getting a shoutout to her 2 million followers and win their selected outfit.

Rio was super confident about her performance and opted to use that to call Kyla stupid again, while she struggled. Khrystyana spoke about her social media following taking off after posting most real photos of herself, then gave Erin some selfie advice against her will. Though TBH, and I know I just love Khrystyana, it kind of seemed like Erin was appreciating it at the time. Erin and Kyla struggled, while Sandra and Jeana slayed with the latter scoring the shoutout.

After getting shaded by Rio again, Kyla pulled her aside to clear the air and see why she called her stupid. Kyla wasn’t really buying Rio’s excuses, and Rio didn’t really ever seem to want to show any compassion.

We got another Tyra mail where the girls learned they would be posing with male models with dad bods, which made engaged virgin Sandra nervous about disrespecting her fiance and Rio disgusted about posing with ‘fat-arse dudes’, her words, not mine. When Khrystyana once again spoke about all bodies being beautiful, Rio got passive aggressive and waved at all the girls to let them know she isn’t that insensitive and to relax. Erin sat there and gave her killer side eye, and I loved it.

Rio, fuck off.

At the shoot, the girls learned that not only would they be sharing the frame with men. They would be casting their shoot partners from a bevy of thick (and juicy) men. Well except for Jeana, who won the chance to pose with brawny supermodel Zach Miko. Oh and they would all be dripping in gold paint.

At casting, Erin and Shanice flirted up a storm while Rio was disgusted by all the fat, ugly manses. Of topic, but does she realise she is being filmed … or is she just a fucking moron? Like she thinks Kyla is.

Drew arrived to coach them on the shoot where Erin slayed, Khrystyana was nervous about how the men would treat her after being triggered about her molestation last week, ultimately unable to get out of her head. Nor good Sandra, who was concerned people from her religion would be unhappy about her shooting with the men. Thankfully Rio’s repulsion showed, struggling to manage a decent frame before Kyla slayed the shoot, and asked the question everyone is asking, when does freaking Life Size 2 come out? Brendi K and Shanice were strong, while Jeana and Zach kinda seemed to struggle. But Zach’s insecurity was totally cute, so I’m sure he pulled it out.

At panel, the girls discovered that Law took the week off so the judges would be joined by Jourdan Dunn for the week. Jeana’s attitude started to creep up, though I can’t deny that she slayed the shoot. Brendi K did well, Shanice killed it and Khrystyana’s fear got the better of her, landing her her worst photo of the season. Erin looked flawless, Sandra’s (admittedly bad) photo was read for filth, Rio was owned by the ugly fat bastard disgusting her (again, she is fucked) and Kyla owned the shoot. While I feel like you really don’t need me to run through it, Kyla won best photo, Jeana got silver and Shanice the bronze. Tragically Rio only landed in the bottom three, while poor Khrystyana joined Sandra in the bottom two … and as Sandra knew from the moment they stepped forward, she was eliminated from the competition.

While I absolutely adore Sandra and think she is a complete sweetheart, I do agree with Ty-Ty that she is better suited to beauty campaigns. Obviously I did not tell her that when she ran into my arms backstage. And well, since I’m not actually a model scout … maybe my opinion doesn’t matter. Lols, of course it does. Anyway, Sandra was such a sweetheart and is beautiful in the holistic way that Rio seemingly never will able to be. As such, I whipped her up a delicious Sandra Khebab to honour her beautiful nature.

 

 

These little babies have it all … and then some. Spicy, sweet with a little bit of a kick, these kebabs are the perfect way to provide warming comfort, while still feeling like you haven’t been too naughty. I mean, kebabs are healthy no matter what, right?

Enjoy!

 

 

Sandra Khebab
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 cup natural yogurt
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
¼ tsp cinnamon
1 tbsp chilli flakes
5 garlic cloves, minced
1 lemon, zested and juiced
salt and pepper, to taste
1kg chicken thighs, cut into a large dice
1 large red onion, cut into eighths
1 red capsicum, cut into 1-2cm squares
vegetable oil, for greasing the grill

Method
Combine the yogurt, olive oil, paprika, cumin, coriander, cinnamon, chilli flakes, garlic, and zest and juice with a good whack of salt and pepper.

Chuck a piece of chicken on a metal skewer, followed by the onion, another piece of chicken, the capsicum … and continue until it is filled. Then continue doing skewers until all the meat and veggies are gone. Tightly place the kebabs into a baking dish and pour over the marinade. Cover in cling and place in the fridge for a couple of hours, but preferably overnight to allow the lemon juice to really permeate the meat. Don’t you just love permeating meat?

To cook, preheat the oven to 180C.

Place a wire rack over a lined baking sheet and line the skewers leaving about 1cm between them. Transfer to the oven and bake for about ten minutes before flipping, basting with leftover marinade – from in the baking dish, FYI – and cooking a further ten minutes.

Transfer to a platter and devour greedily as a side, or with some Michael Flatley Bread or Pita Andre Bread and some salad.

 

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Destitsio Williams

Baking, Main, Pasta, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, the merge hit leaving Cole nice and paranoid … and, bless, unable to see the clue to an advantage in plain site. With him busy, the heroes and hustlers got together and plotted to take out the healers, one-by-one. Which commenced at tribal after Joe played him idol needlessly as Jessica became the final pre-Ponderosa boot.

Solewa returned to camp where things were awkward and everyone kind of stood around awkwardly while Cole spoke about being upset and Joe impressed by their move. We then found out that Ben and Lauren had in fact orchestrated the entire blindside, with my namesake hoping they can go all the way to the top seven … though was concerned something would screw it up. Which is totalling going to happen, no?

The next day Mike was still struggling with the loss of tribal before Lauren, out of nowhere, found the clue to the advantage Cole couldn’t see in front of him. The advantage is another variant of the extra vote gig, with Lauren allowed to forgo voting at the next tribal council and stockpile the vote for a later tribal council. Depending on our you feel about saving, it is the ultimate banking game … or way too hard.

Not leaving me to sweat on it too long, my love Jeff returned for the reward challenge where the tribes would be split into two teams to run up a tower and shoot sacks at a target. Aka what the homophobe at my work said every gay person would be doing after Australia voted for marriage equality … which yes, was true for me, but also, have some fucking decorum. The team of Ben, Mike, Lauren, Ashley and Desi got out to a 3-0 lead before Ryan, Chrissy, JP, Cole and Devon’s strategy – to have the worst people go first and no longer have to participate – played of overtaking the others and snagging a spaghetti dinner, with Joe … who won the lottery and got reward without competing.

After the challenge Jeff explained that the spaghetti would be served ‘family style’ meaning there would be one single serve and each would go in to eat alone, not knowing how much the others had had. To further improve Joe’s day, he was given the opportunity to outline their eating order. Given he needs allies, Joe elected to go last sending Devon first – don’t tell Rodney, but it was for his birthday – followed by JP, who also didn’t notice a clue under the plate. Sweet Cole went next and surprisingly found the clue straight away … before using a tea towel to cover the clue. Smart move and also, so fucking dumb. Chrissy and Ryan also found the clue – outlining it was hidden under the tribe flag – before the latter hid the plate in the bushes.

Chrissy and Ryan spoke about the clue and Cole’s dim wit while Joe ate, before the latter proved he wasn’t as dumb as everyone thinks and questioned what they were talking about. This of course set up a three man race to collect the idol, which kind of fizzled out as Ryan snatched the idol while Cole went to pee. Thankfully he tasked Chrissy with covering the hole, leading to Cole diving under the flag with her to fight for the already gone idol. This then caught everyone’s attention, leading to an all in brawl before Ben decided Cole did have the idol. Oh … after the flag fell on top of everyone.

I mean, this was some Benny Hill shit. Praise Probst.

Given Cole was now in desperate need of some actual immunity, Probst returned for the challenge where the castaways were required to stand on a balance beam, while keeping an object up with a long hard pole. So again, pretty much my favourite pastime. Mike and Joe quickly dropped out followed by Devon, Lauren, Ryan – whose heart was literally beating through his chest – Ashley, Chrissy, Ben and Desi. This left Cole and JP to battle it out for immunity and my heart as their chests glistened in the sun. JP couldn’t keep it up long enough, handing Cole immunity … and well, my heart. I mean, he is proven to keep it up longer. How can I go past him?

Cole’s immunity win didn’t sit well with the hero-hustler mega alliance who half-heartedly congratulated him on his victory before quickly locking in a split vote for Joe and Desi. The split vote gave the healers hope, given they only needed to flip one person to their side to take control. Surprisingly this was Cole’s plan. Sadly for Joe he decided to approach Ryan and Devon while Ben lurked in the bushes ala Queen Sandra, leading to Ben blowing up at Joe at camp while Desi, Ryan and Chrissy lazed about in the shelter, nonchalantly wondering if something was happening.

After things cooled down, Lauren pulled Ben aside to share that they can not split the vote tonight otherwise she will lose her advantage. This made Ben nervous forcing him to approach Mike to flip to their side and save him. While Mike wasn’t sure keeping Ben was a good idea, he did think showing loyalty may carry him further.

At tribal Joe and Ben continued their feud with Joe identifying him as a threat, while Ben tried to point out he is a part of a bigger alliance and that he trusted them all. It went back and forth for a while before Chrissy and Ashley joined the fray to point out how annoying Joe is. Desi then gave a confusingly cryptic comment, Mike threw out the fact the Yawa five betrayed him as the last tribal and Ben spoke more about being a vet, which really isn’t making the target on his back any smaller. Desi continued to dig her own grave and Devon spoke about being a bright and beautiful light – seriously, swoon … and out of nowhere – before they headed off to vote.

Notably Lauren was successful in snagging her extra vote before the votes finished up tied with four each on Joe and Desi, with one each on Ben and Lauren for good measure … and no one the wiser that that didn’t add up to 11. More surprisingly the votes piled up on Desi in the revote, sending her out of the game to become the Queen of Ponderosa.

While she was absolutely heartbroken by the turn of events – and let’s be honest, so was I – I was glad to be able to hang with her, cheer her up and decide the tone for this season’s jury over a big ol’ bowl of my Destitsio Williams.

 

 

It is a truth universally acknowledged – right Jules – that pasta will cure all ailments. Add a dickload of spices, a large hunk of meat and a creamy sauce? That is what dreams are made of, right Hiz?

Enjoy!

 

 

Destitsio Williams
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
olive oil
2 onions, diced
5 garlic cloves, minced
1 carrot, grated
2 tbsp tomato paste
1kg beef mince
2 tsp ground allspice
1 tsp dried mint
2 cups passata
500g ziti pasta
¾ cup butter
4 eggs
1 ½ cup parmesan, grated
¼ cups plain flour
2 cups milk, heated
pinch of freshly grated nutmeg

Method
Heat a good lug of olive oil in a large saucepan over medium heat before sweating the onion, garlic and carrot for five minutes … or so. Add the paste and mince and cook, breaking up the mince with the wooden spoon, for ten minutes or so, or until starting to brown. Add the allspice, mint and passata with a good whack of salt and pepper. Stir, reduce heat to low and simmer for 45 minutes. Remove from heat and allow to cool slightly.

While your meat sauce is cooling, melt ¼ cup butter in a medium saucepan until foamy. Add ¼ cup flour and cooking for a minute or two, or until the roux is coming together. Remove from the heat and whisk in 2 cups of milk until smooth. Reduce the heat to low and simmer for a couple of minutes. Remove from heat and whisk through the yolks of the eggs, with the nutmeg and ¼ cup parmesan.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Cook the pasta as per packet instruction before draining and returning to the pan with the remaining butter, egg whites and parmesan. Stir for a couple of minutes or until everything just comes together.

Press half the coated butter into the base of a large baking dish. Top with the meat sauce, following by the remaining pasta … and then finally, the béchamel. Sprinkle with some extra parmesan and bake for 45 minutes, or until golden.

Remove from the oven, allow to rest for ten minutes … and then devour.

 

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Jaquiche Patterson

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Main, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor, AK and Tessa had taken control of Samatau putting Tara on the outs alongside my furry-bunned dreamboat Locky. Meanwhile over at Asaga, Henry finally threw an immunity challenge to boot Sam, pissing off Mark. After losing yet another immunity challenge, Mark tried to bring Luke and Jericho over to his side to break up the true Asaga power-couple Jacry. Thankfully he failed and quickly followed his lady-love out the door, giving us another week of killer Jacqui facial expressions.

Asaga returned to camp where Henry was pissed that Mark had outed he and Jacs as the power couple, though could appreciate how well he spoke at tribal. After the tribe retired to sleep, Jericho pulled a low-rent Queen Sandra Diaz-Twine/on-par Tai Trang and put out the fire to avenge Mark’s boot. Given the fact that there was torrential rain, it kind of seemed like the most redundant revenge, but you do you boo.

The next day things were looking up at Samatau where Locky was feeling excited to be playing Survivor and relishing the opportunity to go for an early morning fish. He then spoke about being on the bottom, which is something he isn’t used to? Girl, that’s a waste. He returned to camp with a small fish, and then proceeded to work, providing for the tribe while King AK just chilled. This obviously pissed him off, once again approaching Ziggy about the possibility of getting rid of AK … which she agreed should be a priority, since he cannot be trusted.

Things were still gloomy over at Asaga where they were without fire thanks to Australia’s Tai, Jericho. Luke then bitched to Jericho about the tribe wanting him to rebuild the fire that Jericho put out. I’m going to be honest, they annoy me.

Sensing my rage building, JLP arrived for the reward challenge where Samatau were shocked to discover Mark was booted at the last tribal council. Jericho then did a terrible job at hiding the fact that he was pissed about the decision, painting an even bigger target on his back. Jericho, goodbye. The challenge involved six people balancing a ball on a disc while traversing an obstacle course, before two cast members shoot their ball at four targets for a luxury reward involving wine, cheese and waterfalls – I assume to chase. While Samatau got out to an early lead, Asaga caught up and overtook on final obstacle before Kent and Henry secured Asaga’s first reward of the game.

They arrived at the reward where they were ecstatic to see the waterfall shower, and a table full of booze, cheese and cake. Luke and Henry were the first to brave the showers where they discovered each table had a note. Assuming it was an idol clue, they both shoved them down their pants before later discovering they were actually just a pouch of scissors and tweezers. Obviously that wasn’t discovered until after Ben stared at himself in the mirror for an exorbitant amount of time and Luke felt it necessary to shave his balls. Why couldn’t have Locky won this one and given us another steamy nude scene? It’s been weeks!

Speaking of our island stud, Locky reminded us that he was in a very shit spot in the tribe. He and Ziggy were once again the only ones working hard, trying to keep the fire alight during even more torrential rain. They had a big old bitch about AK being lazy before Ziggy finally cracked and got Locky to promise that AK would be the next to go, when they go to tribal.

The next day Asaga were back to feel hungry despite a huge reward just 24 hours prior. Despite vowing not to get the fire started, Luke decided that being the provider would actually be a good idea, got it going and decided that he was the new power player of the tribe. Jacry noticed that Luke was stepping it up and trying to play the game, so decided that he needs to go ASAP, particularly over the useless pair of Michelle – who is actually a goddess – and Ben. But seriously, make this happen ASAP.

Given that each tribe had lined up a target, JLP returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes had to split into pairs and run through an obstacle course, untying a series of knots to open a gate, dismantling a bamboo wall to build a bridge, complete a vertical peg maze and pulled a sled with a lit torch to the other end of the course and light a cauldron. Poor Jacs struggled big time on the knots, giving Samatau an early lead which Luke and Ben almost closed, had Luke not struggled horrifically, allowing Ziggy and Pete to almost complete the third obstacle before the boys finished the second. Turns out the puzzle was far harder than I’d assumed as a spectator, as Henry and Jericho managed to catch-up and release their keys first. Asaga then pulled their sled past a still-struggling Pete and Ziggy and secured Asaga immunity.

Back at Samatau, Tara was feeling extremely nervous about tribal council and was putting all of her eggs in Ziggy’s basket. Everyone disappeared to discuss the vote, leaving Locky and Tara alone at camp. AK was feeling extremely confident, which he should, given the fact his alliance is made up of five people in an eight person tribe. He then floated the idea of bringing Anneliese in to split the vote between Locky and Tara, in case of an idol. Anneliese then proved that she is playing better than we’ve been shown, knowing that she is better off letting them think she is splitting the votes with them, so they can get rid of AK without having an actual majority. AK then slinked – slunk? – around in the bushes, Ziggy and Anneliese agreed to get rid of AK and Locky and Tara tried to pretend that they aren’t getting another potential lifeline.

At tribal, JLP was quick to rub some salt in Samatau’s wounds, pointing out the fact Peter and Ziggy completely blew the challenge. Tara then spoke about being shocked by Aimee’s blindside and how she was sure that she’s the one to go tonight. Locky jumped on the pretending we’re down and out bandwagon, and spoke about how he was trying to show his worth (note: get nude again, that may help). He then pointed out that AK was in charge, which he obviously denied, before Tessa was very arrogant about the fact she took back control of the game, despite the fact she owed it all to Tarzan as Locky, the shadiest queen of all, kindly pointed out.

After Locky’s last ditch effort to point out that he works hard and does it for the benefit of the tribe, while AK is only out for himself – which, yes, is the game … but it’s AK – the tribe headed to vote where a couple rolled in for Locky, before resulting in a tie between AK and Tara. The tribe then voted again where Tara was voted out … but not alone, as JoJo announced that they’d be voting out a second person.

One by one the tribe voted again with Tara watching on, before Ziggy, Tessa and AK got petty/iconic and screamed their votes for Anneliese, sending her out of the tribe with Tara … though not out of the game. Yes, peeps – we’ve got a surprise faux-tribal tribe swap! Instead of exiting the game, the girls were to spend a night on exile before joining Asaga the next day.

I’d just like to mark the end of the non-elimination episode and beginning of episode nine by pointing out that it has now been seven episodes since Locky’s cakes writhed around in the sand.

#neverforget

We quickly checked in with the outcasts of exile island where Tara and Anneliese were feeling all around shitty. The were hungry, cold and Tara had cried herself to sleep starting to think about what she is missing out on back at home. Thankfully Anneliese gave her a much-needed pep-talk and got her head back in the game, both vowing to make the most of their second chances, not to be confused with second chances.

Meanwhile an oblivious Asaga were not loving life, resorting to ogling a slimming Kent. In her defense, my girl Jacs was loving life, despite missing booze and her husband – same girl – and has to put up with some extremely annoying people. Given that she holds all the power, she is tolerating it. Ben, Michelle, Luke and Jericho then sat in the shelter and bitched about Jacs for not delivering their rice, despite the fact they were just bitching about her. Michelle, don’t push me.

Finally, JLP returned with Tara and Anneliese as Asaga arrived at a beach expecting a reward challenge. Instead, they were told that they had to pick two people to swap to Samatau to replace the girls. Ben, who is completely on the outs anyway, offered to go … followed by Henry. Henry. HENRY?! Breaking Jacs and my hearts, and shocking Tara and Anneliese who believe it to be a death sentence. On the flipside, they are now in the driving seat at Asaga in the middle of the two warring factions.

Testing out Tara’s psychic ability, Henry and Ben arrived at Samatau where the tribe were surprisingly thrilled to see them. Except AK, obvi, who was (rightfully) confused as to why Henry would volunteer to go over to Samatau where he has no control, or even an ally. While Henry laid on the charm as thickly as possible, AK sat in the corner of the camp and pouted like a rich school kid that has finally realised money can’t buy you friends. Or class. Feeling threatened, AK tried to lie and say that he is in danger to lull Henry into a false sense of security. Further proving he isn’t as smart as Locky thinks, Henry approached Locky and they quickly unravelled his lies filling me with hope that they’ll align and get rid of my nemesis AK.

Meanwhile Anneliese was quick to upset things at Asaga, asking how they really feel to have her and Tara as replacements for their best and worst challenge performers. While Jacs was hoping to get rid of one of the ex-Samatauns, Tara and Anneliese made quick work of distancing themselves from the tribe that just voted them out and to spill as much tea as they needed to, to win friends. Despite Jacs’ assurance that Asaga didn’t have any clear alliances, Luke and Michelle took Tara for a walk to tell her otherwise and swing the girls to the minority to take control. As exciting as that flip would be, I don’t want to see it happen at the expense of Jacs. Particularly when it benefits Jerichoke, my new name for the insufferable Jericho/Luke alliance.

After so much excitement, JLP returned for an immunity challenge allowing fair contact, breaking my heart that Henry and Locky are now on the same side and won’t battle to the nudity. The tribes had to fight for a ball before passing it off to a person on the platform who then had to kick the ball in a goal. Kent quickly tried to become my favourite in the first round, tugging at the front of Locky’s pants (like me in my dreams) before AK scored the first goal for Samatau. Luke and Henry battled it out in the second round before Luke took the ball and passed it to Samatau’s Ben, who obvi missed on his first go. Thankfully he redeemed himself after Henry took out Kent, giving Samatau a 2-0 lead. Odette dominated Jarrad in the third round before Luke missed the kick, Jericho then passed the ball to AK who sadly missed before Luke got the ball back from Jericho again and got Asaga on the board. In the fourth round, Henry dominated Luke, Locky dominated Kent and Sarah and Ziggy made straight men’s dreams come true before AK finally secured victory for new-Samatau on his fourth kick.

Sadly, no nudity. What the actual fuck.

Things were looking bleak back at new-Asaga, with Tara and Anneliese sure that they’ll be voted out for realsies. Jacs too was feeling nervous, though was hoping to push the Asaga strong line via Kent, to avoid looking like she is in control. While it all looked locked after Kent’s quick walk around, Michelle approached Jerichoke to talk about joining with Tara and Anneliese to snatch control and get rids of Jacs … which was literally planned a par ago. Sarah joined the fray to make things interesting, approaching Jericho and Michelle to see what the plan is and agreed to get rid of Jacs. The conversation however went on a little too long, making Jacs and Kent nervous enough to switch the vote to Sarah, another tragedy. Kent then approached Anneliese and Tara to get them onboard and retain control of the tribe.

Jonathan was quick to ask about Henry and Ben deflecting to the other side, which Jericho was quick to point out it could have been a great, selfish move for either of them. Jacs used it as an opportunity to point out that she and Henry mustn’t be a power couple if he was willing to flip, before Michelle rightly pointed out that maybe he went over because he felt so safe that he wanted to make more friends. Anneliese pointed out that she and Tara have no other options, so they are good allies to take forward. JoJo then spoke to Sarah, which seemingly opened up a can of worms, with everyone talking in riddles about who they’d be targeting to convince the newbies to join them.

The tribe then voted and tragedy struck, as Queen Jacs found herself booted from the game as the eighth boot. Let’s take a moment’s silence and remember her classic one-liners and killer side eye. As a fan of champagne and sass, it should come as absolute no shock that Jacs and I are the best of friends. Fun fact: after the plebishite bullshit is done in Australia, Jacs has offered to oversee my vow-renewal as she is the only person as sassy as the woman that married my husband and I.

Anyway – when she walked into loser lodge, I honestly couldn’t tell you who was more distressed. Though I will, it was me. After playing such a dominant first half of the game, one selfish, miscalculated move from Henry became her undoing and the only thing I could do was whip her up her favourite Jacquiche Patterson.

 

 

Creamy custard, bubbling egg, molten tomatoes and the constant unchanging nature of corn – it literally can not be broken down by our bodies, thus it appearing in every vom and shit you have – are the perfect combination to help you eat your feelings for our fallen goddess.

Bet you’re hungry after the shit and vom talk, right? Enjoy!

 

 

Jaquiche Patterson
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 sheets frozen shortcrust pastry, defrosted
6 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1 cup milk
salt and pepper, to taste
a couple of sprigs fresh thyme leaves
1 cup frozen corn kernels, defrosted and drained
a small handful of cherry tomatoes, halved
½ cup grated vintage cheddar cheese

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C and roll the sheets of pastry together with a pin to form a single, slightly thicker but way bigger piece of pastry.

Press the pastry into a quiche dish, line with baking paper, fill with baking weights and blind bake for fifteen minutes. Remove the weights and baking paper and cook for a further five minutes. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

Reduce the heat of the oven to 160°C.

Meanwhile whisk the eggs, sour cream, milk, salt and pepper and thyme to combine in a large bowl. Scatter the corn and tomatoes inside the quiche dish, top with the cheese and pour over the egg mixture. Return to the oven and bake for 45 minutes, or until browned and just set.

Allow to rest for fifteen minutes before devouring.

 

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Spiced Cualiflower Salad Tiatia

Salad, Side, Snack, Survivor NZ: Nicaragua, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor New Zealand, Lee-gel was swiftly booted from the merged tribe … and was just as swiftly followed by Mike. After a glorious coconut chop challenge, Barb took out reward and then control of the tribe, pulling in Jak and Tom to potentially take out Sala. Then my angel Lee lost the duel and found himself out of the game for good, breaking my heart in the process.

Back on redemption, Mike was still pining after Georgia whilst doing some extremely basic maths and complained about Shannon for playing the game. Though he was kind enough to hope he’d see her on redemption soon – that’s nice, right?

Meanwhile at Casar, Avi wandered aimlessly around the camp while Sala continued to be a sweethea … what do we have here? I spy Avi taking Lee’s confessional stance, having the camera frame his crotch – look who is trying to woo me. They all complained about going stir crazy and wanting more space, before Sala gushed about how happy he is, how he wants to play honourably and how the money would help him. Seriously, give him a chicken to save and call Sia, because I want him to have 100k, dammit.

Shay gave a rundown on where the numbers lie and that despite the fact she doesn’t really trust Barb, she was feeling safe. Which you know means Sala may actually be heading to redemption island sometime soon.

Avi continued his campaign for my heart, giving another crotch confessional … whilst frolicing in the water in his jocks. Let’s be honest, THAT IS NOT A ONE-TWO PUNCH I CAN RESIST. Evidently hearing I’m into some skin action, Jak got sweet Sala to whip him up a loincloth, and i’m strangely aroused by the idea.

Shannon then approached Avi about where he was standing, confused about whether she should actually take out Sala. Avi – in crotch-confessional #3 – then confirmed that she just wanted to reassure her place in the alliance, which sounds like a classic tale of misdirection … but can it actually be that obvious?

Jak then returned in his loincloth and I hate myself for it, but I’m strangely into it. In an angry hate-sex kind of way.

Hearing how erotic the episode was playing out, Matt decided to break it up for the next immunity challenge – a staged battle of digging for clubs and breaking a jar, climbing under obstacles with a full mouth of liquid and spitting it in a container … before finally completing a puzzle. Barb and Shay fell out in the first round, followed by Nate, Jak and Sala in the second, leaving Tom, Shannon and Avi to battle it out for immunity. Almost instantaneously Tom solved the and took immunity, though didn’t need it according to Barb.

Back at camp Barb confirmed that getting Sala out was still the plan, which upset Nate due to the fact he is so damn loveable … which is exactly why you boot him ASAP. Avi, Shay and Sala meanwhile locked in the vote for Jak, making Sala feel safe. Barb and Shannon then reconfirmed the plan to get rid of Sala, with the latter concerned about Nate since he likes Sala so much.

Meanwhile Tom battled to reign in Jak, who is wanting to push the screwed narrative so far that it may blow up in their faces. Thankfully for the potential flippers, Tom got through to Jak and he was actually quite convincing that he had resigned himself to going home.

Sala and Avi then checked in with Nate, making Nate super nervous and guilty. On the flipside, Jak and Tom got together by the beach to celebrate how well their acting was going. Nate then threw some confusion into the mix by approaching Barb while she was trying to relax, to see if they could change the plan to Avi.

At tribal council, we got to see Lee looking babin’ on the jury which of course made Shannon feel anxious, given the fact he is not her biggest fan. Shay then threw some shade about people being fake, Sala said he felt bad voting out good people, which in turn made Nate feel super anxious. Matt got in on the act by throwing shade at Jak, and Shannon rationalised why the boys need to get over her flipping and painted herself as a perfect goat before flipping once again, this time with Barb, sending Sala to redemption island.

Mike was extremely shocked to see Sala arrive at redemption where Sala spoke about feeling blindsided but given he is an absolute delight, he expected it and was back to his happy self in about ten minutes. Not so happy was Avi, who could barely wait to get back to camp before laying into Shannon, Barb and Nate for taking out Sala. He was particularly annoyed with the girls, who to their credit stood their ground and took the tantrum … before badass Barb just shrugged and confirmed that Avi is probably next to go.

The next day Avi was still feeling a little salty and behaved how I do at work, wandering around hoping not to have to engage with people. He then told us about how much he needed the money and couldn’t bare to vote for one of the traitors to win the prize. As much as I think the tantrum was horrible for him, his dislike of people has well and truly kept me on his side.

Jak and Tom then reconnected by the beach to discuss their luck at still being in the game, where Tom showed how well he understands the game. Jak then approached the queen in her hammock, interrupting her reading in the process, to see where they stood. This started a steady stream of people going to her to see what the plan was, really cementing her as the queen of Survivor NZ.

While everyone was lounging around camp with Avi ignoring them, they were surprised to hear that instead of a reward challenge … it was time for the next duel! This of course filled Shannon with dread, considering that Mike is still extremely pissed with her and the fact she just blindsided Sala.

After a brief interlude of Sala telling Mike to go into underwear modelling – slay Sala, YAS – and telling us how he wasn’t cut out of the deception of the game, Matt arrived for the duel and to make everyone left in the game feel a little nervous. Sala told them all that while he had no hard feelings, he did want to ask some questions … to see if Avi or Shay knew he was going. When they confirmed that they didn’t, he was sweet – bless this saint!

Mike on the other hand had no qualms tearing Shannon to shreds, for flipping on him and Lee. Not wanting to take it, she agreed that she didn’t need to go as far as she did with the lies but wasn’t willing to leave her place up to chance.

With the smack talk fizzling, we got down to the duel which is a classic memory game. As happy as it makes me to see that it is anybody’s game, memory challenges are boring as shit to watch slash commentate. Mike got out to an early lead … which Sala could never catch-up to, exiting the game as the eighth boot.

While he was sad to be exiting the game, he was proud to be able to say that he kept his integrity and walked into my arms with his head held high. After briefly berating him for not doing a 180 and cutting his rivals as quickly as he could, I decided not to kick a friend while they’re down and whipped him up a delicious Spiced Cauliflower Salad Tiatia.

 

 

I know that the 90s taught us that cauliflower is disgusting but that is the horrifically steamed or boiled take on the veggie, which leaves it sodden and bland. Bake it though, and you really make it sing. Then add some spice and well, just go make this baby.

Enjoy!

 

 

Spiced Cualiflower Salad Tiatia
Serves: 4-8.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 head of cauliflower, trimmed and cut into florets
400g can of chickpeas, drained, rinsed and dried
1 tbsp turmeric
1 tsp garam masala
salt and pepper, to season
small handful of coriander, roughly chopped
½ cup natural yoghurt
½ a lemon, juiced
seeds from a pomegranate

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Place the cauliflower and chickpeas on a lined baking sheet and toss through a lug of oil. Sprinkle over the turmeric, garam masala and a whack of salt and pepper, and rub with your hands to coat. Place in the oven and bake for twenty minutes to half an hour, or until golden brown and crisped.

Once they’re down, transfer to a bowl and toss through the coriander, yoghurt, lemon juice and pomegranate seeds.

Serve immediately and devour.

 

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Chali Fordogs

Main, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Hali and Michaela were left out of the Culpepper’s Angels alliance on nu-nu-Mana, while Varner well … you saw how desperate he was to stay and how human decency ultimately wins, when he was swiftly booted from the game. Probs for good.

We opened up at Nuku the following day, where Sarah’s winner edit returned with an absolute vengeance, telling Tai that she is not willing to be compassionate with Varner and was not ready to forgive him. Knowing how brutal Varner’s actions were, Tai started to cry thinking about how awful it was for Zeke. Not wanting to be outdone by the tears, Sarah reiterated to Zeke how grateful she was to get to know him.

Zeke then made a play for a winner’s edit, giving a rousing speech about why he wasn’t open about his identity and how thankful he was for the tribe’s support … on the way to his victory.

Wasting no time getting down to business, the tribes met Probst on the beach for the merge … Mana with all their soft furnishings, I assume, because Brad was concerned he would have to start another camp concept from scratch. Wanting to continue with the twist-every-episode theme of the season, Probst told the tribes that a person from each would have to volunteer to miss out on the within-sniffing-distance merge feast.

Continuing with the WWMD – FYI, what would Monica do –  theme of his game, Brad immediately volunteered – earning the suspicions of Zeke and Cirie – with sweet Tai following suit on Nuku. I assume to make a play for this season’s alpha male.

As is generally the case – though normally less last supper-esque – the merge feast was a mix of gorging (Sierra loves HAM!), relief and people watching, the latter being where Cirie finally entered the fray and instantly reminded us why she is an icon of the game.

Meanwhile over at exile beach – five metres from the feast – Brad and Tai quickly got to work spilling the T on where alliances were standing with each tribe, before Tai – obviously – professed his love for Brad.

After last week’s outing incident, Debbie decided to add a bit of sexual aggression into the mix, rubbing against Cirie, mooning Tai and twerking – while sober – in an attempt to lull people into a false sense of security, which made me feel the complete opposite.

The newly merged tribe reunited at camp to congratulate each other for making the merge (YAS, Michaela and Brad are finally datable) before Debbie kissed – kindly, not aggressively – and made up with Brad Culpepper. Not wanting to dwell on the love, Zeke then told everyone what happened with Varner earning the respect of Aubry.

As with all merge episodes, there was then a shit tonne of scrambling before the immunity challenge: Ozzy approached Troyzan and Brad, Brad threw the target on Michaela and Hali, Ozzy then delivered the Michaela information to Zeke and Sarah, while Troy shared it with Tai … who in turn told Hali before everyone else found out.

Remember the Jay has an idol scene last season? That on steroids.

Sierra then approached Zeke to reiterate said Michaela plan, complaining about the fact she just appears all the time … before Michaela proved Sierra’s point and appeared from behind a bush to find out what they were plotting.

Cirie being Cirie got us up to speed on what was actually happening – even with a damn chicken on the roof – talking to Zeke and Andrea about how their alliance with Sarah would be better served to keep Michaela around and that they should strike out either Sierra or Brad.

Finally, some damn clarity on where the alliances are!

The next day, Hali lamented the fact that nobody was really willing to play with her and how she needed to kick Michaela into gear. Which she did, leading to her connecting with Cirie. Pray hands, praise etc. I don’t even know where to start with how much I love these two together. I want Cirie to adopt me as a nephew and give me life advice / make all my decisions. Sandra is the queen … but Cirie is the kween.

Cirie is life. I love Cirie. Seriously, Cirie for President.

Can you be made a saint while still alive? If not, we need to make an exception.

Snapping me out of my Cirie fangirling, Jiffy arrived for the first individual immunity challenge of the season where they each had to keep a piece of wood balancing between their head and a plank.

Surprisingly challenge beast Debbie was amongst the first few out … following Zeke, Hali, Troyzan and Cirie. While Hali worked on her tan, the challenge quickly came down to a battle between Tai and Andrea with the latter ultimately taking out the win and securing individual immunity for the third time … on a third different season.

Back at camp, Sierra gloated about being in charge and how important it is to get Michaela out … before throwing Hali under the bus, pointing out that she was playing way more confidently than she was on Worlds Apart meaning, clearly, that she had an idol.

She then told Cirie, Brad and Debbie that they would be splitting the votes between Michaela and Hali, before Michaela did what she does best and manifested, before being directed to boot Zeke.

Not liking how that plan could impact her game – kween – Cirie pulled Zeke aside to try and turn the target to Hali, rather than Michaela. Zeke then approached Sierra, wondering (rightly) how it made sense to target Michaela over Hali, when they were trying to flush Hali’s hypothetical idol.

Cirie continued to prove why she is amazing, telling Micheala that the plot to vote out Zeke was fake and that she was trying to save Michaela, and more importantly, save someone that would be loyal to her over her rivals.

At tribal council – Cirie’s first in seven years – Jeff got to work trying to cut through the madness, with Andrea outlining that this is the point where lines were drawn and Debbie likened the situation to musical chairs.

Poor Hali and Michaela then spoke ominously about not having a clue about what was happening tonight, which sadly for Hali should have highlighted the fact that her hypothetical idol made her public enemy number one. Ultimately Hali found herself becoming the merge boot / once again, the first member of the jury – congrats Hali, you’re the jury equivalent of first boot Frannie and greatest of all time, two-time victor Sandy.

Despite a valiant, failed effort to save herself, and being confused as to why people were so threatened to keep her in the game, Hali was an absolute delight. We laughed, we cried – thinking about how weird Mike from Worlds Apart’s voice is – and she regaled me with tales while I threw together a victorious slash comforting batch of Chali Fordogs.

 

 

You know I love chilli so hot it liquefies me organs and you should really know how much I enjoy some trash food … meaning these chilli dogs are amongst my favourite meals.

Fiery chill and misc meat sausages shoved straight up some pillowy buns before being slathered in a generous helping of cheese. I honestly don’t know if I’m aroused or hungry.

Scrap that, I’m both – enjoy!

 

 

Chali Fordogs
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
½ batch Chilli con Kim Carnes
6 hot dogs
6 hot dog buns
American mustard, for serving
1 cup grated cheese

Method
Cook the chilli as per Kimmy’s instructions.

Once the chilli is done, bring a large pot of salted water to the boil. When splish-splashing about, quickly add the hot dogs and cook until the sausages float to the surface.

While the sausage is getting moist, split the buns and slather in mustard. Drain the sausages and altogether gently and firmly slip them inside the buns. Top with chilli and cheese … and devour, immediately.

 

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Ethan Calzone

Bread, Main, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands

With only three weeks to go until the premiere of Survivor: Game Changers – Queen Sandra Diaz-Twine’s Triple Crown, I thought it was fitting to mark the occasion with my dear friend and third victor Ethan Zohn.

After the aggressive sex appeal of Colbster in the Outback – not to be confused with Sandra eating at Outback Steakhouse – it was nice to see Africa bringing a calm, kindness to the way Survivor floods my basement.

Ethan was – and still is, FYI – a total babe. Perfect ringlets, kind heart, banging bod – Ethan was everything I didn’t know I wanted from a man and I immediately made it my goal to find and befriend/bed him.

Sadly Burnett had banned me from filming countries during production after the Outback incident but thankfully I found a loophole – identity theft – by the filming of All Stars and found myself in the jungles of Panama with the man of my dreams.

As hard as I tried, I wasn’t able to help this babe achieve a double crown – yes I suggested to Rupert that digging a shelter was a great idea to turn people against him – sadly that wench Jenna Lewis was around though and made sure no winner – not even the babes – had a chance.

I haven’t seen Ethan since his wedding last year, in part because I was busy but mainly because I am heartbroken. Thankfully Ethan was more than keen to reconnect and help win me back.

Even more thankfully, Australia is as hot as hades this week so Eth and I had no choice but to have a minimal clothing catch-up with a sizzling Ethan Calzone.

 

ethan-calzone-1

 

After poor Eth became the last winner standing in All Stars, I snuck into Loser Lodge and whipped him up a very suggestive calzone. Did you think this cooking for boot things started in Second Chances? Hell no.

I stuffed that soft pillowy dough full of spicy sausage, dripping, creamy cheese and some mushrooms. The mushrooms didn’t add to the innuendo … but it didn’t need. The rest was quite persuasive.

20 days until the premiere – who will join me next week? Lets just say … I love her but we did have a rivalry.

Enjoy!

 

ethan-calzone-2

 

Ethan Calzone
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
7g sachet instant dried yeast
¼ tsp salt
1 tsp caster sugar
¾ cup warm water
2 cups plain flour
2 tbsp olive oil
⅔ cup passata
2 chicken breasts, diced and fried
2 chorizos, cut and fried
handful of mushrooms, sliced
120g chargrilled capsicum, roughly chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
handful of basil leaves
2 tsp chilli flakes
200g feta, crumbled
mozzarella, just to make it hella cheesy

Method
Combine the yeast, salt, sugar and warm water in a jug. Give a quick stir and leave to get all foamy for about ten minutes.

Please the flour in the bowl of a stand mixer, add the yeast mixture and oil, and need with a dough hook for ten minutes. Transfer to a large oiled bowl, cover and leave to prove for an hour, or until doubled in size.

While the dough is proving, prep the filling and preheat the oven to 200°C.

Punch back the dough, split in four and roll each out into a 30cm (ish) round). Smear a half moon of passata on each piece of dough. Top with the chicken, chorizo, mushroom, capsicum, garlic, basil, chilli and cheeses. Fold the dough over on itself, pushing out as much air as possible and seal the edges.

Place the calzones on a lined baking sheet and transfer to the oven and bake for fifteen to twenty minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Devour immediately, trying to avoid burning yourself on the hot cheese.

 

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Michelle Sherbert

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor, Adam screwed Taylor – sadly not in the way Figgy did – while David shared information about his idol with Zeke while Jay orchestrated a vicious blindside on our Queen Michaela … and surprisingly lived to tell the tale.

We opened back up at Ikabula where Jay was very pleased to be alive and with himself, while Hannah  felt like a damned fool last night – which coincidentally is how America currently feels too.

Seriously Michaela then President Trump … heartbreak.

A boat then pulled up at Ikabula and Takali – sadly not the pirates from Captain Phillips – and whisked them over to Vanua to merge into the new Vinaka tribe.

Vinaka, not vinegar.

The new tribe quickly sat down to the traditional merge feast where Jay started to work on his cockiness as he ran through his numbers, while Bret saw those dang – sorry dahng – whippa snahppers coming together and felt it was better to go back his old – literally – tribe.

Meanwhile Adam went walkabout and found arguably the worst advantage known to Survivor, where he can steal a reward after it is won. Surprisingly he was excited by that, when it is clearly the most poisoned of chalices.

Twas the night after merge, when all through the tribe, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse … well except for Taylor who decided to pilfer the leftovers from the merge feast – because he is good with mason jars – and eat them in the middle of the night. Given he isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, he was caught by not one but two people – Bret and Adam.

Oh, we also learnt that stupidity is contagious as Adam freely offered up the fact he found the shittiest advantage to Taylor and that he wanted to blindside his closest alliance, Jay and boot Will. FYI, Taylor is still looking to get revenge on Adam for the Figgy vote.

The next day the olds joined together for what I assume they would describe as a chinwag, and share all that they know about the kids to find an appropriate target. Obviously King Zeke, the 90 year old in a millennial body was involved – bless.

Shocking absolutely no one, probably not even Adam, Taylor ran straight to Jay – with Zeke watching – to tell him about Adam’s plan reiterating that they should not tell Will. Taylor then ran straight to Will and told him everything he told Jay not to tell, scaring the poor child half to death as he shared how much he need immunity.

As if summoned like Beetlejuice, my dear Jiffy-Pop manifested for one of my favourite challenges – When it Rains it Pour – won by the great Teresa Cooper, Shi-Ann in All Stars (leading to its best episode) – and the great Parvati Shallow … twice.

Thankfully if you closed your eyes, the tribe made it sound like a porno as they moaned their way through the challenge until young Will took out immunity, much to Jessica chagrin.

Let’s also pause to remember how pretty Kengel looked while he had the load – of water – dumped over him.

Back at camp the kids got to work scrambling, with Will and Jay looking to take out Adam, which spooked Michelle, who thought it was a bad idea. Zeke then went to Adam and told him what he saw earlier and that Adam was now a target. Zeke and Adam then went to the old men brigade and tried to turn them on … to booting Taylor, which again didn’t seem like a great idea to them.

As Adam started to freak out, Hannah – who you’ll remember had a panic attack while watching a challenge – tried to calm him down so that they could find a way to save him, while Zeke started to get frustrated and toyed with the idea of booting Adam.

So obviously that meant it was time for tribal council where Jeff opened by checking in with everyone’s level of hunger and Hannah tried to cut my grass by saying she wanted wanted to eat Jeff before they played coy and cast their votes where Taylor’s revenge plan failed – shock – and Michelle found her way out of the game … as the first member of the jury heading to Ponderosa.

While Michelle and I may not seem to have a lot in common, with her being a missionary recruiter and me recruiting men to do in missionary, but we’ve been friends for about five years, brought to together by a mutual passion for dragons.

Have I mentioned I am the inspiration for Khaleesi?

Anyway, I knew Michelle would be sad to be voted out and continue in the great Millennials vs. Gen X tradition to boot only females – well, excluding Paul – and the only cure for vagicide related pain is Michelle Sherbert.

 

michelle-sherbert-1

 

With sexism / white male privilege prevailing in the election as well as this season, we really needed the sweetness to overcome the bitter taste in our collective mouths. Obviously I forgot the fact that sherbert had a bitterness … thankfully a nice one.

Enjoy!

 

michelle-sherbert-2

 

Michelle Sherbert
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
1 tsp citric acid
1 tsp bicarb soda
2 tbsp icing sugar
2-3 tbsp jelly crystals

Method
Combine ingredients. Devour.

 

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