Chris McDouble

Burgers, Main, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Ghost Island, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, the second tribe swap put a pin in the long-simmering Chris and Dom feud with Naviti dwelling Dom amassing a collection of real and fake idols, a legacy advantage and complete control of the tribe. He wielded said power and influence to fell the greatest player of the game – lol, though greatest villain in forever – Bradley, sending him out to Loser Lodge before the real game ever got started.

Bucking with tradition, we opened to Yanuya and Malolo boating their way to Naviti, with Kellyn thrilled about the potential damage she could do. The Navitians arrived at the beach to welcome the rest of the merge tribe and discovered a note leading them to the other side of the island for a feast. Kellyn was thrilled, Michael felt he could finally find his feet and Dom quickly got the upperhand on Chris, giving a rousing speech to the tribe. Which TBH could paint a target on his back if Chris’ rap wasn’t so grating.

Chris and his nip-slip – swoon, I’m back – hung in the shelter when he discovered a note hidden inside his buff directing him to go to tree mail. Once there he discovered that an idol was his … if he is willing to jump on a boat in the middle of the night and participate in a quick challenge at Ghost Island without anyone noticing. Given his extreme confidence, he was all in and I love it. Though that could be the gratuitous butt and nip shots talking.

Back at camp Kellyn reacquainted herself with Chelsea, Dom and Wendell with Dom quickly saying he is Naviti strong aside for Chris. Wendell however isn’t ready to cut Chris, instead wanting to take out Michael or Libby first before the tribe goes Trump v. Kim Jong Il. Wendell played the UN role and tried to diffuse the tension between Chris and Dom and while the latter was confident, the sua-vay Chris refused to give them anything, shut it all down and firmly locked Wendell in the pro-booting-Chris camp.

That night Chris snuck away from camp as the tribe slept, arriving at a lit – literally – Ghost Island where he discovered he would be playing for J.T.’s Game Changers immunity idol, though this time it was only good for one tribal council. The game is that he can pick bamboo shoots and extend its life by one tribal … or lose his vote at the next tribal. While he was successful the first round, he lost his vote on the second round finishing with only safety at the next tribal.

The next day Chris channelled Bradley and ordered his tribemates to wait on him hand and foot. While Dom worked to rally Libby and Jenna over to his side, Chris got to work on securing Angela, Des and Laurel to his side. Dom thinks Chris is a joke, Chris thinks he is great, Dom thinks Chris is annoying, Chris loves Chris. Libby and Jenna weighed up who was the biggest threat out of Dom, who is strong and strategic, and Chris who they felt was loyal and easy to manipulate. In any event, they were both just glad to finally have a piece of power. Though that could always blow-up in their face, I suppose.

My boy Probst finally made an appearance for the first individual immunity challenge where the tribe would be required to balance on a beam and balance an idol on a long, hard rod above their head. Almost immediately Jenna was out, followed by Donathan – neither reverse the Malolo curse. Des and Angela soon followed before Probst made the tribe move to the thinner section of the beam which spelt trouble for Sebastien. Everyone else made the final section, Domenick barely … followed by Michael, Chris, Laurel and Wendell, leaving Kellyn, Libby and Chelsea to battle for immunity. The other girls continued to struggle after Chelsea dropped until Libby couldn’t hold on any longer, handing Kellyn the first immunity individual immunity of the season.

Back at camp the scrambling finally kicked it into high gear, with Chris summoning everyone but Domenick and Wendell to the well to get water and figure out how to split the vote between them. While Dom’s allies Laurel and Donathan agreed to the plan, and Chris rationalised it was the safest move for everyone … I don’t see it happening that easily. Meanwhile Dom and Wendell discovered they were alone, strengthening their resolve to get rid of Chris with the latter planning to use his idol if needs be. Thankfully Donathan and Laurel went straight to Dom and filled him in on the plan, with Donathan advised Dom stays away from Libby and Jenna despite the fact he thinks he has an in with them. While they spoke, Wendell approached Jenna, Libby and Sebastien to stop following Chris and find another option. On the flipside, Kellyn, Des, Chelsea and Angela reconvened at the vacated well to discuss taking out Libby instead while everyone else splits the vote.

The newly formed Lavita tribe finally arrived at tribal – Chris for the first time – with Probst trying to get some drama and Donathan continuing to be adorable, talking about all the new friends he made with the merge. Sebastien was a bit stoned and then Dom, finally, brought the excitement, talking about his simmering feud with Chris. He outed his fake idol which I think he sold as real, and spoke about Chris holding a grudge for him disagreeing with his first day decision. Chris said he was annoyed by Dom targeting Angela, Wendell countered he tried to go for them first. Chris was happy to finally draw a line in the sand, Dom and Wendell spoke about the well incident, which Angela defended as just wanting to stick with the majority. While Dom was terrified, Libby spoke about the stakes being high though doesn’t appear to be overly concerned for her safety. Kellyn on the other hand was super grateful to have immunity and Chris was just following his gut.

Chris’ ‘no vote’ followed a series of mysterious votes and one of the most iconic voting confessional, with Donald Glover’s cousin Wendell destroying Chris and his supposed rap skills. When it came time for idols, Dom decided to get rid of his Sierra Dawn-Thomas legacy advantage. Ultimately it was unnecessary, as the votes rolled in for Chris and Libby, with King Chris sent from the game and straight to the jury with J.T.’s idol in his pocket. Definitely not reversing the curse.

Thankfully I managed to stifle my laughter before the Noble One arrived at Ponderosa to take his place as its King for the year. While he took his exit from the game with grace and humility, he got a few licks in about Domenick as we reconnected – we met each other when he asked to be mentored as a rapper – and he waited for his post-boot Chris McDouble.

 

 

Yes, it’s another copycat burger recipe … but be honest, can you ever get enough? Perfectly seasoned beef, mustard, pickles, ketchup, perfectly melted cheese and the zing of some onion – don’t fight it, make it.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chris McDouble
Serves: 2-4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
salt and pepper, to taste
4 Kirsten Bunst, halved
American mustard, to taste
ketchup, to taste
1 onion, finely diced, refreshed in iced water and drained
4 pickles, sliced
8 slices American Cheese

Method
Drain as much blood from the mince and scrunch in a large bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper, and form into 8 even patties.

Heat a large skillet over high heat, reducing to low when scorching. Lightly toast the halved buns before cooking the patties for a couple of minutes. Flip the patties and cook for a further minute.

To assemble, smear the top half of the bun with ketchup and the bottom half with mustard. Place onion in the ketchup on the top and layer pickles on the bottom, place a patty on the bottom top with cheese, a second patty and a second piece of cheese. Close with the ketchupy-oniony bun and devour.

 

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Kraftherine O’Dinnara

All up in Schitt's Creek Week, Main, Side, Snack

While Eug is the Schitt’s Creek cast member I have known the longest, my dear best friend Catherine O’Hara is the one I am closest to. And that isn’t meant to shade my relationships with the rest of the crew, but simply highlight how great a bond Cath and I share.

So obviously I met Cath when she joined the Second City troupe in Toronto, but our bond truly solidified when we worked together on the one-two punch that is Beetlejuice and Home Alone. You see, I was the stuntman for both Winona Ryder and Joe Pesci in the movies, and working together again gave Cath and I the opportunity to grow even closer on set.

That and the fact that I was so moved by her work on Home Alone, led to me dedicating my live to getting her the recognition she deserves. Aka an Oscar.

While my trips to rehab, multiple deportations and myriad of scandals have distracted me from that goal at times, we’ve always remained the best of friends and I was thrilled when Eug told me they were co-starring again in Schitt’s.

As expected, Cath was thrilled to drop by and celebrate the premiere with her bestie and to honour her greatest role yet as Queen Moira Rose. She was even thrilled to see a big vat of the delightfully Canadian meal, my famed Kraftherine O’Dinnara.

 

 

Does her name easily work with Kraft Dinner? No. Am I still unsure whether Kraft Dinner should be classed as a national dish of Canada (hey, Wikipedia says so … so it has to be – Canadians, please let me know if this is true in the comments)? Fuck no. Am I ashamed to admit how much I loved my copycat version? I’d sooner die!

So enjoy and feel no guilt, ok?

 

 

Kraftherine O’Dinnara
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g macaroni
⅓ cup butter, cut into chunks
3 tbsp flour
½ tsp mustard powder
pinch of paprika
salt and pepper, to taste
2 cups milk, to taste
1-2 cups grated vintage cheddar cheese
250g Kraft ‘cheese’ slices (aka American cheese), yes the plastic stuff (it’s fantastic)
6 hot dogs, cooked and sliced
tomato ketchup, to serve

Method
Cook macaroni per packet instructions.

Once you’ve drained the pasta, place the butter in the pot and melt over medium heat. Cook until foamy before adding in the flour, mustard powder, paprika and a good whack of salt and pepper. Cook stirring for a couple of minutes or until the roux has come together and the ‘flouriness’ has gone. Remove from the heat and whisk in the milk.

Return the pot to the heat and slowly whisk through the cheese and the ‘cheese’ until melted, goopy and well combined. Stir through the cooked macaroni and hot dog pieces, and serve immediately. Then, obvi, devour slathered in ketchup to taste.

 

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Hot Dognise Richards

Bread, Fame Hungry's American Teen Princess Pageant, Main, Party Food, Side, Snack

Now that we’re on the slippery slope to Fourth of July, it means that our Drop Dead Gorgeous celebrations are about to reach a crescendo which just breaks my heart. I mean, DDG deserves our constant adoration, but sadly the ladies have careers that they need to attend to and I can’t just hang with them 24/7. Though I did float that idea with my girl Denise Richards.

While she wasn’t keen on putting her career on hold her joyous spirit and quick wit distracted from the pain I was feeling. We haven’t always seen eye to eye – see her marriage to Charlie Sheen for instance – but we’ve always been the best of friends.

I first met Denise when she guested on an episode of Beverly Hills, 90210, we quickly bonded and – obvi – I vowed to make her a big, big star. While it took me a few years to pinpoint the direction her career should head, I eventually nailed it with the back-to-back-to-back-to-back hits of Starship Troopers, Wild Things, DDG and a star making, believable turn as nuclear physicist Dr. Christmas Jones opposite Judi Dench in The World is Not Enough. Which I think you would agree, is a great place to start.

I haven’t seen much of Denny lately so I treasured the time we had together, gossiping about our mutual friend Lisa Rinna, planning a Christmas Jones spin-off and discussing options for an anti-swan-riding PSA. As you can see, we had big stuff going on so we needed something quick, easy and hearty … like my Hot Dognise Richards.

 

 

They are not a dignified meal, more are they healthy … or difficult, but you can’t honour Americana without an old fashioned hot dog. Plus, you know I can’t go past shoving a warm sausage, dripping in sauce, into some pillowy buns.

Enjoy!

 

 

Hot Dognise Richards
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
8 Kirsten Bunst, hot dog shaped obvi
8 skinless frankfurts
tomato ketchup
BBQ sauce
American mustard
grated cheese

Method
Bring a pot of water to the boil over high heat. Once furiously boiling, add the frankfurts and cook until they float to the surface.

Slice the buns, douse in your favourite condiments, add some cheese, top with a sausage and wrap your lips around it … to devour, sickos.

 

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Georgia Burgerson

Bread, Burgers, Main, Snack, Survivor NZ: Nicaragua, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor NZ, the tribes were switched up with Tom getting a new lease on life at Mogoton with Jak, Mike and Lee joining he and Shay, where the latter was clearly on the outs. Over at Hermosa, Barb and Nate were also saved from their impending doom landing with Georgia, Avi and Sala, with Shannon sent to redemption island to wait to join the tribe that lost the next immunity challenge. After an epic fail at the immunity challenge, new Hermosa banded together to give Nate and Barb their revenge, sending Gerogia to redemption island where she barely beat Izzy in the last duel.

On redemption Georgia was struggling after a night of torrential rain put out her fire. While she planned to quickly get one up and running, she struggled forever to make fire before lamenting the fact that she was away from her allies, who I assume could actually get a fire going.

Back at Hermosa, Shannon continued to feel uneasy about her place in the tribe, given her history with Barb and Nate. Not wanting to stay on the bottom, she identified that Sala was key to her survival and desperately tried to form a connection with him by washing dishes by the shore. Proving how smart she is, she appealed to Sala’s sense of right and kindness … which seems to have won the big softie over. Swoon town, Sala – swoon.

Meanwhile at Mogoton, Tom wasn’t thrilled about the storm that was rolling in before taking a note out of the drag race book and threw some epic shade at Shay’s lack of work ethic. She lay around and sat on the beach while the boys worked around camp and went fishing. I mean, the boys were driving me mental but her complete disinterest in trying  is making them seem likeable.

Continuing in the theme of taking from other reality TV shows, Avi and Shannon got to work making his clothing work in the hope of impressing Tim Gunn … I assume. All I took away from the segment was that Shannon and Avi are quickly becoming quite tight and they’re concerned about the next immunity challenge.

Back at Mogoton, Tom and Jak were bonding and trying to become the second coming of rice and beans … which given they are trying to be the Queen, Sandy D-T and Courtney Yates, I am back to hating them. I mean, they will never, ever be at their level. Distracting from my rage, they discovered treemail inviting them to a word puzzle immunity challenge … which they are planning to throw to get rid of Shay.

With that, Matt arrived to lorde over the immunity challenge which looks like it is a lot more than just a puzzle, knocking Hermosa’s confidence given how fit Mogoton are. If only they knew they were planning to throw it anyway! The challenge involved the classic Survivor element of throwing buckets of water between tribe members, before filling a bucket attached to a see saw to release a key … to unlock the pieces to the word puzzle. Despite the boys planning to throw the challenge anyway, Shay could not get it together giving Hermosa a huge lead. Then Barb and Shannon happened, struggling with the puzzle to the point where Jak and Michael would have easily caught up had they not been so obviously trying to throw the challenge.

Matt then called the immunity idol old mate when giving it to a very emotional Shannon, which is probably the most amazing thing to have happened ever.

Hermosa were feeling triumphant back at camp, with Shannon gleefully sunbaking and singing, while Sala and Nate discussed how obvious it was that Mogoton threw the challenge. Meanwhile over at Mogoton, the boys pretended to be disappointed by the loss while Shay was confident her chances of survival were slim to none. She then made the questionable move of playing cards, rather than getting to work … wait, hang on a minute – she is trying to stay in the game, talking to Jak and Tom about getting rid of Mike instead.

Shay’s pitch actually makes a lot of sense, and would guarantee breaking up the pair of Georgia and Mike. But then we run the risk of losing scenes of Mike spraying so much insect repellent on his naked torso he looks like he is oiling up for a body building challenge. Jak and Tom approached Mike to explain to him that Tom would be writing down Mike’s name, to avoid Shay going off on them at the next duel … which made Mike nervous, given that means Jak could change his mind at the last minute and easily get rid of Mike before the merge.

At tribal, Matt was quick to let the boys know that he knew what they were up to, despite not going the Probst route and openly calling it out. Jak tried to be cute, Mike started to get anxious, while Shay had accepted the fact that she is definitely on the bottom. Talk turned to redemption, with Mike confident that Georgia would return to the game … despite being seconds away from losing the previous duel. Before they went to vote, Shay gave one final push to stay which sadly fell on deaf ears, as the tribe sent her to redemption – faux-shocking Tom – to be beaten by Georgia if Mike is psychic.

The boys returned from tribal council where Jak says something stupid and immediately kills the boner I had thinking about the sausage fest. Not seeming to notice my pain, Tom quickly congratulated himself on a fake vote well played as the boys got cocky – again, not in a good way – about dominating the remainder of the game. What is it about best laid – seriously, me and the sex puns – plans?

Shay arrived at redemption where Georgia was shocked to see her, assuming her girl Shannon was destined to be the next boot. They chatted, Georgia was bubbly and Shay vowed revenge if and when she returns to the game. I wonder what is happening at the sausage fest …

The next day, things were tragically not post-coital at Mogoton where the boys passed the time with some busy work. Despite Lee’s best efforts to spice things up with some rope play, nobody seemed to be keen on 50 Shades of Survivor and we were stuck to wonder why the gods hadn’t taken Jak instead of Lou.

Meanwhile over at Hermosa, the tribe were sitting around for morning coffee when Sala returned with an invite to the next duel … where they speculated a merge was a comin’. While they were excited by the prospect, Avi was concerned about where Tom would fit in with his plans given the bro-town over at Mogoton. Not wanting to leave anything to fate, Shannon hounded Avi to ensure that he would be able to woo him.

The peanut gallery arrived at redemption island where Matt was quick to partly confirm their suspicions, announcing that in addition to the losing person being eliminated for good, the victor would be returning to the game … stopping just short of confirming the merge.

The duel was the classic card stacking challenge – which Aubry dominated on Game Changers – meaning it could literally be anyone’s game. And reminded me on the epic finish to season 5 of House of Cards … but I digress.

Shay got out to a strong start where Georgia was shaky and second guessing herself. Then I realised that Shay has used 90 percent of her tiles on the bottom two floors, allowing Georgia to overtake Shay half a metre from the top … before her tower tumbled to the ground at the last minute, allowing Shay to jenga out enough tiles to take out the duel and return to the game … sending my girl Georgia out of the game for good.

Despite being extremely frustrated and disappointed, my fellow dance star – I’m kind of feeling like her and Alexis’ boot were fated to air during my Tony Gold celebrations – quickly perked up when she spotted me whipping up a big old Georgia Burgerson.

 

 

Yes – this is just a copycat of a Quarter Pounder but like everything else in the world, it is so much tastier when it is homemade. I mean, you know the buns are fresher and you know what is in the meat … and let’s be honest, it is so much better being able to eat it in the comfort of your own home (or Loser Lodge) with or without comfort pants.

Enjoy!

 

 

Georgia Burgerson
Serves: 2-4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
salt and pepper
4 sesame seed buns, halved
ketchup
mustard
½ an onion, diced and placed in iced water for five minutes, and drained
2 dill pickles, sliced
8 slices high melt cheese

Method
Squeeze out as much liquid from the mince as possible before placing it in a bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper. Scrunch to combine with your hands, and divide into four equal patties. Place on a plate lined in cling, cover and place in the fridge for about half an hour.

While the patties are on ice, prep everything else in the burgers.

Once you’re good to go, place a large griddle over medium heat and toast the open halves of the buns for a minute, or until golden. After the buns are done, the griddle should be nice and hot, so lightly brush some oil over the pan and add the patties, flattening down with a spatula. Cook for a few minutes, flip, and cook for a further couple of minutes.

To assemble, spread ketchup and mustard – to taste – on the top half of the bun, add onions and sliced pickled. On the bottom, place a slice of cheese, the patty and the second slice of cheese. Bring the buns together and devour, immediately.

 

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Jodie Sweetin Sour Pork

Main, Party Food, Snack

First I had to go on the run to avoid being implicated in #Envelopegate then my dear, sexy Bob Harper announces he had a major heart attack a few weeks ago … meaning this little blog is perilously close to becoming a hit list.

Thankfully I’ve spent the week hanging with the delightful, calm and – most importantly – rational Jodes Sweetin and she has talked me out of adding my many nemeses to my dance card.

And of course, promised to live – happily and healthily – to see 2018 and hopefully break the curse this patch of cyberspace seems to have rustled up.

I haven’t seen much of Jodes lately with her muy busy enjoying a career renaissance with the success – no comments on quality here – of Fuller House and a semi-successful run against my part-time lover and full-time babe Nyle DiMarco. It fills me with such complete joy to see her doing so well but I hate that it keeps us apart for such long stretches of time!

With her taking a break between seasons two and three, she was thrilled to have me over and gossip about the show, reconnect and ponder the being that is our friend/frenemy Candace Cameron Bure.

It was such a diverse back and forth that I knew the only way to honour it was by devouring a big bowl of our favourite Jodie Sweetin Sour Pork.

 

jodie-sweetin-sour-pork-1

 

There isn’t much you can say that isn’t in its name – sweet, sour, pork. While it may not be the most glamourous or respected of dishes, it is the perfect way to mark a catch-up with my nostalgia inducing pal.

Don’t like it? How rude – enjoy!

 

jodie-sweetin-sour-pork-2

 

Jodie Sweetin Sour Pork
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g pork tenderloin, cut into 2cm dice
1 tsp soy sauce
½ tsp cornstarch
½ tsp rice wine
½ green capsicum, roughly diced
½ red capsicum, roughly diced
2 shallots, cut into 3cm pieces
3 rings pineapple, fried and cut into bite sized pieces
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 ½ tbsp ketchup
1 tsp plum sauce
½ tsp rice wine vinegar
½ tsp Worcestershire Sauce
1 tsp oyster sauce
1 tsp raw caster sugar
vegetable oil, to fry
steamed rice, to serve

Method
Toss the pork in the soy sauce, cornstarch and rice wine and allow to marinate while you prepare all the other ingredients. As part of that, combine the ketchup, plum sauce, rice wine vinegar, Worcestershire, oyster sauce and sugar in a small jug and leave to rest.

Once you’re good to go, heat a generous lug of oil in a large frying pan or wok over high heat. Once scorching, add the pork and stir fry until golden brown. Add the capsicum, shallots, pineapple and garlic and cook for a further minute or so. Once it is fragrant, add the the sauce, reduce heat to medium and cook until the sauce thickens.

Serve immediately with rice … and devour.

 

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Cheece Taylor Burger

Main, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Taylor continued to get jiggy wit Figgy while the Gen Xers continued to lose immunity challenges. While the majority tried to get rid of Jessica – I assume to help with her eye probs – Ken wanted to save her, so pulled her aside to warn her. She obviously then ran to the majority, pissing dear Kengel off. Despite her misstep, David saved her and idoled out Lucy.

Who? Exactly. Shhh.

The olds arrived back at camp where David was super paranoid for the big move, he theatrically made. While Jessica got her head back in the game and worked to win Ken back over, telling him about the mysterious/ominous legacy advantage, promising it to him in the process.

After last night’s excitement, the olds awoke the next day and immediately commenced a good old fashioned idol search party where once again, David was lucky enough to find the idol. Though to be honest, now that they are hidden in plain site with a tribe symbol on them, once you’ve found one, others should be easy.

Anyway, the tribes then reconvened for a reward challenge – the millennials of course asked who, when Jeff said Lucy was voted out at tribal – where they … wait a minute, this is a damn switch up!

Waiting to recreate the success of Second Chances, Jiffy Pop opted to switch them into three tribes, royally pissing off Michaela who was swap-fucked – let’s be honest, the only person I want to be swap fucked by, is Ken – and ended up with Hannah, Will, Jay, Bret and Sunday as the new Ikabula tribe starting from scratch. Sadly she didn’t flip him off, though positively we can do away with most of the shitty generational references.

We arrived at Ikabula where Bret immediately shot my hope in the foot – does that even make sense, throwing those phrases together … am I Andrew? – talking about gen x, followed by Jay throwing in the requisite millennial reference.

Over on Kengel’s island, Figgy and Taylor were thrilled to still be together, while poor Adam tried to pretend to enjoy the role of third wheel before Kengel took him under his wing, immediately gave Adam a bit of cred and hopefully gave Ken some power.

Well, outside of his powerful beauty.

Meanwhile at Vanua, the tribe were connecting over sunrise except for Michelle who was feeling down about being the only tribe with a millennial disadvantage. Her other youngen Zeke, however, was in his element, connecting with Chris over being Oklahoma boys.

For keeping score, this is the second gay male that Chris has aligned with making him the greatest ally to the LGBT community in the game.

Outside of Kengel’s tight underwear, obvs.

Back with Ikabula, Queen Michaela continued to dominate the confessional game and life in general, building fire for the tribe and sharing her story of determination. Can you feel that? Yep, it is the #WinnersEdit.

And if I’m wrong, I obviously mean winner of my heart edit.

Finally Jiffy returned for the first threeway of the season, where the tribes all had to go down for some buoys, then try and score by tossing their balls into some holes. Despite Sunday getting them off to a horrible start, Ikabula took out the victory thanks to – almost single handedly – Michaela Jordan, with sweet Kengel also getting new Takali over the line.

But given CeCe’s dismal performance – again – and David’s laughable display, which lead to Zeke wondering if he was trying to throw the challenge, was there ever going to be a different outcome?

Back at camp, new Vanua got to scrambling after their manure performance. The Gen Xers hoped to take advantage of their numbers advantage, while Chris was hoping to turn it on CeCe and hopefully make the tribe stronger, pulling in David, Zeke and Michelle. Michelle was still scared though, so tried to work on CeCe … who gave absolutely zero fucks. CeCe then told David that Michelle was trying to get him out, who then considering playing his idol on CeCe to save her.

So yep, the editors succeeded in confusing me by the time they arrived at tribal. Thankfully he was a lot more straightforward than that, with yet another minority female getting the boot as CeCe went to loser lodge for some culinary comfort. I mean sure, she had almost single handedly lost two immunity challenges and deserved the boot … but the fear that Michaela will be the next one voted out due to unintentional racism, simply for being a woman of colour is too much.

Thankfully she is a boss.

So obviously I have been friends with CeCe for years, meeting at the Debbie Allen Dance Academy where I taught her daughter. While we initially clashed, due to her role as stage mom and mine as the vicious teacher with a cold heart, she grew to respect my style and a bond formed. After being booted from the one swap tribe with a Gen X majority, CeCe was pretty upset. However she saw me and a plate of my famed Cheece Taylor Burgers – which we’d eat after dance class in front of her famished daughter as part of my out-of-academy discipline lesson – her mood quickly turned around.

 

cheece-taylor-burger-1

 

So yes, this is a blatant copy of a McDonald’s cheeseburger but they are insanely delicious – I’m going for a sponsorship gig with Mindy Kaling – so why not?

(If In’n’Out wanted me as a spokesperson though, Maccas would be as dead to me as someone that crossed Abi-Maria).

But honestly, between the cheese, onion, fresh patties, soft bun, ketchup, mustard and most importantly, pickles – how could you really go wrong? Enjoy.

 

cheece-taylor-burger-2

 

Cheece Taylor Burger
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
¼ tsp onion powder
¼ tsp garlic powder
6 hamburger buns
6 slices American cheese

dill pickles, sliced
1 finely diced onion, soaked in ice cold water and drained just before serving
mustard
ketchup

Method
Place the meat in a large bowl and combine with the salt, pepper and onion and garlic powders. Divide the mixture into six, form into thin patties, wrap in cling and place in the freezer for two hours.

Heat a large frying pan over high heat, remove the patties from the freezer and allow to come to temperature for a couple of minutes. While that is happening, split the rolls and fry the open sides for about twenty seconds, or until browned.

Now this is where is gets specific and it is important to follow this, ok? Place the patties in the pan, season generously and allow to fry for thirty seconds. Press down heavily on the patties for a couple of seconds, before immediately flipping and cooking for a further thirty seconds.

Remove to the bottom of the fried buns and top each with a slice of cheese, top with some ketchup, mustard, a few slices of pickle and some onion.

Close and devour.

 

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Hickory Clinton Smoked Ribs

Amer-she-can Week, Main

There are no prizes for people that guessed HRC – my fave triple-barrel – is the culmination of Amer-she-can Week. I mean, it was a week celebrating her historic nomination AND independence day after all.

But I was here on official duties – and again, no prizes if you guessed … because I’m too selfish/ a hoarder and wouldn’t give them out if I had any – I’m taking over from Nigella the wonder dog as HRC’s campaign manager AND, wait for it, will be appointed her Chief of Staff after she wins the election in November.

Now don’t worry, Nige and I haven’t fallen out – Annelie is still suffering from her cage-fight induced amnesia and despite excelling in her studies in medicine to cure her ailment, Nigella feels she is needed at home to offer Annelie more support and kindly shoulder tapped me to take over the campaign.

Hizza, Annelie and I have long been friends, having met in Yale in the ‘70s. Annelie was helping me run a scam while I worked as the Executive Vice Dean Chancellor – Hizza knew something odd was up, discovered the scam and got us sent to prison.

While you would think that going back to prison would be the worst, I knew that we’d spend our lives in and out of jail and had prepared for my return by stashing cigarettes around all prisons I had attending thus far, to use as a bartering tool if and when I returned – yes people, I am the person that inspired the character of Vee in OITNB.

Fun fact, I also faked my death by getting run over during an escape too. THIS IS NOT MY REAL NAME.

Anyway, back to Hiz.

We fully expected to go to priz again, so were more impressed by the fact that we were brought down by someone smarter than us and sought her out upon our releases. She was kind enough to take pity on those two junkie grifters she caught all those years before.

Seriously – wouldn’t my life make a killer movie on Lifetime?

Anyway, HRC saw our intelligence shine through our oft scummy behaviour and called upon us to assist in vetting and selecting most of Billy’s high-level positions, running her Senate campaign in the early noughties and acting as unofficial advisors during her time as Secretary of State.

Since we’ve been busy – what with her campaigning and me experiencing resurgent fame – it has been hard to be able to have a physical catch up. Thankfully when I got the call to replace Nigella, I quickly cleared my schedule and am ready to focus on the campaign.

But don’t worry guys, I’ll be able to keep up this anthropological endeavour thanks to time-travel!

Anywho, HRC has this renewed energy after finally securing the nomination and we spent our cook-up plotting the best way to bring down Trump – other than simply letting his mouth end his chances, obviously – and her preferred look for the sequel Clinton White House.

Remember, I’m also her interior designer.

So given the breadth of important topics we had to cover, I needed to make something hearty enough to fuel our beautiful minds and my Hickory Clinton Smoked Ribs are the only thing worthy of the honour.

 

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While yes HRC had requested an international take on the celebratory week, I had to go with something all American for the next POTUS!

Smoky, sweet and a just damn delicious, the pork just falls of this slow-cooked ribs and into your salivating mouth. Seriously, these are amazing and smoking liquid is my new favourite thing.

You get smoked flavouring, you get smoked flavouring – EVERYONE GETS SMOKED FLAVOURING.

Anyway, happy Fourth of July / Amer-she-can Week – you’ll be seeing me whispering in HRC’s ear for the next few months like a hybrid of Gary and Amy. Enjoy!

 

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Hickory Clinton Smoked Ribs
Serves: 4-6, dependent on sides and greed.

Ingredients
2 long racks of pork belly ribs
2 tbsp hickory smoking liquid
100ml orange juice, freshly squeezed
5-10 rosemary stalks

Dry rub
2 tbsp ground fennel seeds
5 cloves, ground
2 tsp ground cumin
2 tbsp smoked paprika
3 sprigs thyme, leaves removed
2 sprigs rosemary, leaves removed
5 cloves garlic, crushed
Salt and pepper, to season

BBQ sauce
½ cup ketchup
1 tsp hot sauce
¼ cup molasses
3 tbsp apple juice
2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp balsamic vinegar
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp sage leaves, finely chopped
1 tbsp hickory smoking liquid

Method
Get out your glorious ribs and baste them on either sides with the smoking liquid, cover and refrigerate for about an hour.

Preheat the oven to 160°C.

Combine all the ingredients for the dry rub, remove the ribs from the fridge and rub the spices into the ribs – again on both sides. Spread some rosemary on the base of a large baking tray that will just fit the ribs and pour over the orange juice and any of the remaining hickory smoke you used the basting. Yes, it seems like a lot but I want the smoke to really hit me. Plus … it seems stronger before the cooking.

Anyway, cover the baking tray tightly with a couple of layers of foil – really tightly –  and bake in the oven for about 4 hours. You’ll know they are done when you try and lift the rack and they start to fall apart and make you salivate.

While the ribs are making your kitchen smell amazing, get to work on the BBQ sauce – which is super difficult – by combining all of the ingredients in a measuring jug.

When your ribs are done, remove from the oven and turn on the grill. Baste the ribs, liberally, with some barbecue sauce and grill – watching the entire time to avoid setting off the fire alarm and getting a massive fine – for about ten minutes or until they are brown, caramelly and sticky.

Devour with chips and slaw and any extra barbecue sauce.

 

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