Caramelised Connieon Stevens Dip

Dip, Party Food, Side, Snack

My time back in, time, got me thinking about all of my old Hollywood friends. That in turn reminded me of the rapidly approaching double anniversary of doom of Deb and Carrie, reminding me that I really need to put in more of an effort with my dear friend Connie Stevens.

While my relationship with Joely was so adversarial – in a friendly way though – enough to inspire the hit film Drop Dead Gorgeous, my bond with Con has been nothing with diamonds. Though sans rosé, that is reserved for the VanderpumpTodds.

Anywho, I first met Con in ‘69 – giggity – while touring with the Bob Hope USO tour to Guam and Southeast Asia. While my sexually aggressive boylesque wasn’t as well received as it would be today, Con took me under her wing and we became the best of friends.

Despite the fact it was my affair with Eddie that ruined her marriage.

Thankfully Con is hella forgiving, and currently hella available, so forgave me and continued our dear friendship … meaning she was super keen to reconnect post-thanksgiving slash pre-Christmas.

While we had a huge falling out in the late noughties – since she refused to cast me in her directorial debut – our mutual losses of the last year melted away the ice between us. Enough to reconcile this holiday season. And boy am I thankful for that.

We laughed, we cried, we lamented why we let such petty things get in the way of our friendship – particularly when me wrecking her home didn’t ruin it – over a big fat bowl of my Caramelised Connieon Stevens Dip.

 

 

While it may not be the best for my gastroenterological system, caramelised onion is damned near perfection. Sweet, tart and earthy, this dip is the perfect accompaniment for a mournful, or triumphant day. Aka it is versatile, which is what everyone wants in a date.

Enjoy!

 

 

Caramelised Connieon Stevens Dip
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
olive oil
2 onions, thinly sliced
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp Sriracha
½ tsp smoked paprika
1 tbsp sage leaves, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste
1 ½ cups sour cream
¼ cup mayonnaise
1 tbsp Dijon mustard

Method
Heat  a good lug of oil in a frying pan over low heat. Add the onion and garlic and cook for 15 minutes. Stir through the sugar, Worcestershire, Sriracha, paprika, sage and a good whack of salt and pepper, and cook for a further 10 minutes. Remove from the heat and allow to cool completely.

When cool, combine everything in a bowl together and chill for an hour or so before devouring.

 

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Zinggy Burger

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Burgers, Main, Party Food, Poultry, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, Tara finally realised that my dear Locky needs to go if she has any shot at the end. She then discovered some lollies to sweeten the deal with Ziggy to flip, joining literally everyone else to get rid of Locky. Sadly for them – and great for my hope he’ll give us buns again – he then won immunity, causing everyone to scramble leading to (self-proclaimed) King Luke to exit the game and give someone else some screentime.

Jericho was devastated when he returned to camp, though harking back to his first confessional vowed to bring chaos to the tribe. He then went in for Tara, telling Locky all of her plans to turn on him to get further. Locky felt it sounded true – because it is – so pulled Tara aside to clear the air. While she seemed to get herself out of the mess, Locky still seemed paranoid.

The next day Ziggy replaced Luke as the manic person that oft appears to be a junkie, as she reminded us that she and Tara are the lolly bandits. She then spoke about getting a hit and the fact it is constantly on her mind which makes me extremely concerned for her welfare. Are we getting a sugar crash medevac tonight?

Tara continued to try and do damage control at camp, while a sadly clothed Locky told us he was still feeling anxious about what Jericho said, despite believing Tara. He then told us all how he was dominating the game, and I didn’t love the look on him. To put his mind at ease, Locky and Ziggy caught up in the jungle, with Ziggy convinced that Tara wasn’t flipping on them … because, sugar rush? YAAAAAAAHHHHH.

Oh wait, sorry, sugar-junky Ziggy made me forget she was completely onboard with getting rid of Locky.

Given the fact Locky was still feeling uneasy, he tried to forge a connection with Jericho to break the alleged 3-3 split. For the second time this episode, Jericho appeared to be smarter than I gave him credit for, barely humouring Locky and throwing some epic shade in his confessionals. I mean, I don’t want to like him, but the sass is glorious.

Sensing defeat, Locky moved on to Michelle who proved that she is truly the biggest threat left in the game, because if she makes it to the end, she would Kristie the shit out of the questions. His attempt to woo her quickly became a fight, gaining the attention of Jericho and Pete with the latter deciding he needs to reconnect with Tara and pull her in to get rid of Locky or Ziggy. But let’s be honest, Locky is winning immunity again, right? Otherwise we are Alecia Holden-ing our way straight from immunity, to tribal council.

Putting me out of my misery JoJo returned for said immunity challenge which required everyone to keep their balls in the air … by keeping a single ball spinning within a circular track. As quickly as it started Michelle was out, followed by Tara as the rain arrived to give us some JLP wet T-shirt action. I mean, if he keeps this up, Locky is expendable. Oh Ziggy then dropped out, followed by Jericho leaving the hopes of the tribe weighing on Pete’s shoulders. Sadly for him, the weight became too much and Locky once again took out immunity and crushed the hopes and dreams of the tribe.

Side note: how good did JLP’s nips look while handing the necklace back to Locky?

Back at camp everyone was pissed, with Tara particularly concerned about his immunity run continuing and the fact she needs to fashion a plan B. Meanwhile Pete already had his plan B lined up, deciding that Ziggy needs to go as she is the second biggest threat left in the game. Tara was not sold on this, rationalising that Ziggy is the best person to end Locky’s immunity run. Tara took the Ziggy plan back to Ziggy and Locky to see what they should do, with Locky wanting to target Michelle and bully someone into flipping with them for fear of going to rocks.

Locky tried to work his magic on Jericho and Pete to spook them into flipping rather than playing rocks, with both of the boys hilariously preferring to go to rocks and put their game to chance rather than voting with Locky. Pete then pulled Tara aside to run through the competing plans, trying to sway Tara to their side to avoid rocks.

They arrived at tribal council where the tribe struggled to pretend to be happy about Locky’s hat trick. Jericho threw some light shade, Pete admitted he wanted Locky to lose so they could vote him out, Tara gave a better acting performance pretending she doesn’t want Locky out, Ziggy said she wished she had immunity before Michelle brought some excitement to the festivities. Channelling Ciera ‘she voted out her MOM’ Eastin, she then announced that the vote is currently deadlocked and that they will be voting for Ziggy. Pete then joined the fray, promising Tara that they will stick with her if she flips to their side to get rid of Ziggy. Locky and Ziggy tried their best to talk Tara back but Michelle and Pete went in hard, tag-teaming her – not in a good way – until she had a throbbing headache as she joined them in sending Ziggy to the jury … with an extra large side of shade.

I don’t want to say Steph Rice is a jinx, but it is hard to ignore the fact that she kicked off a hat trick of my catch-ups with my favourite female aquatic Olympians. It really should come as no shock that I worked for the AIS coaching the Australian water polo teams how to be extremely aggressive and rip off their rivals’ swimmers. While I far preferred working with the men’s team – for obvious reasons – I quickly bonded with Zigs and we became the fastest of friends.

While Zigs was disappointed when she arrived at the jury villa, she was thrilled to see me – one of her favourite people – waiting to give her a hug and huge platter of my Zinggy Burger.

 

 

Tragically this recipe arrived two episodes late to coincide with the popcorn chicken alliance as it is my blatant rip-off of KFC’s Zinger Burger, which totally ruin my plans to sell myself as a psychic. As I oft say when making Burgers or Pizza, there is nothing better than a homemade version – succulent chicken, a big kick of heat and a crunch that could burst an eardrum, these babies are perfection.

Enjoy!

 

 

Zinggy Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp chilli powder
1 tsp mustard powder
salt and pepper, to taste
2 large chicken breasts, sliced in half
2 tbsp flour
2 tbsp cornstarch
2 tbsp rice flour
¼ tsp baking powder
1 egg
1 tbsp milk
1 cup corn flakes, crushed
1 cup panko bread crumbs
½ cup vegetable oil
4 Kirsten Bunst
4 slices high-melt cheese
¼ cup mayonnaise
1 cup iceberg lettuce, sliced
Kent Nelsonion Rings, to serve

Method
Combine the Worcestershire, chilli and mustard powders and a good whack of salt and pepper in a bowl. Toss through the chicken, cover and place in the fridge to marinate for a couple of hours.

When the chicken in almost done, combine the flour, cornstarch, rice flour, baking powder, egg and milk in a bowl. Combine the corn flakes, bread crumbs and teaspoon of salt in a second bowl.

Remove the chicken from the fridge, dip in the batter, followed by the coating and place on a plate. Cover and return to the fridge to chill for a hour.

Once that is done, heat the vegetable oil in a frying pan over medium heat. Once sizzling, add the chicken fillets and fry for about five minutes each side, flipping once, or until golden and crisp.

Split the buns, smear the mayo on the bottom, top with lettuce, followed by the fillets and topped with some cheese and a little extra mayo. Close the burger and devour, like an Olympic champion.

 

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Shayonnaise Swain

Condiment, Sauce, Survivor NZ: Nicaragua, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor New Zealand, Shay and Tom buried the hatchet before Shay quickly unburied it, played dirty and tried to get him. They then all got dirty in a very sensual, muddy challenge which led to Tom winning over Barb whilst sharing Avi’s reward before returning to watch Shannon permanently eliminate herself from redemption.

Jak and Mike returned to redemption island, shocked to still be in the game on no man’s land. They then threw some shade at Shannon and were generally a bit obnoxious. Meanwhile back in the actual game, the tribe were feeling bad for Shannon’s loss and were being nice about the boy’s skills … though they all admitted to not caring for either of their returns.

Oh and Tom has decided Shay needs to go as Shannon has already promised to vote for her if she makes it to final tribal. I honestly can’t keep up with those two.

Nate and Shay took a leaf out of Barb’s book and discussed strategy and the threat Tom and Avi’s relationship poses – particularly given the potential returnees – all whilst reclining. Avi broke up the plotting and tried to reaffirm his alliance with Shay but did admit that Tom is having doubts her.

Shay then did the rounds, sidling up to Barb and her nemesis Tom to see where their heads were at and try and place a target on anyone but her. Less than a minute later, Tom floated getting rid of Shay with Nate and Avi, which the latter was not onboard with at all. Though he really had no option given no one trusts her, nor wants her around.

Nate then got word that Shay spoke about him being homesick and decided she was hoping people would boot him for that, despite the fact we all know that he’d go to redemption … and then the jury and could not possibly go home before the end of the game anyway. So yeah, I’m not actually buying that it’s a nefarious plot.

Wanting to get in on the action Matt returned for the next immunity challenge, involving beams, poles and balls, which is right up my alley. Despite starting strong and throwing the kitchen sink at it, Avi was first out of the challenge. Shay and Tom miraculously survived the second round of the challenge before Nate and Shay quickly dropped out when moving to the last section, followed by Barb, handed Tom his fourth immunity in a row, firmly painting a target on his back.

Back at camp the tribe were chatting about the challenge before out of nowhere, Avi took off running down the beach for no reason. He returned later and downplayed his minor breakdown before Tom pulled him aside to continue trying to turn him against Shay. Meanwhile Nate talked about getting rid of Avi given his likeability and the fact that anyone would beat Shay.

Avi continued to try and save Shay but TBH, it seemed more like lip service given the fact he didn’t really talk to anyone else about saving her. Nate floated an Avi blindside with Barb and while she seemed open to the idea, was ultimately non-committal. Which she confirmed by running straight back to Avi.

Meanwhile on redemption, Jak continued to tell unfunny jokes while he and Mike speculated who would be joining them that night.

Back at camp Nate and Avi went for a walk to where Nate quickly covered his tracks, telling Avi that he tested Barb’s loyalty for him. While Avi didn’t buy it at all, it was a nice try. Barb filled Tom in on what was going down, which made Tom annoyed by Nate. Tom then quickly tried to convince Avi that getting rid of Shay was still the best idea before heading off to tribal.

At tribal, Matt made quick work of making Nate cry by reminding him about the game. He then asked Avi about flipping and set him up for a massive case of the guilts. Avi said he felt it was important not to turn on your own, before Nate pointing out they’ve already had to do that in the game and Shay mentioned that she has a clear conscience and isn’t responsible for sending anyone to the jury … and reconfirmed how much she trusts Avi.

But it turns out she shouldn’t as Avi joined the rest of the tribe to vote her out of the game, again. While she was clearly bummed, she told her tribemates there were no hard feelings … until she got to redemption island that is, where she joined Jak and Mike to talk smack about Avi. Who Mike is still referring to as RV.

The next day at camp Avi continued to go full Blanche Dubois, having dreams about abandonment whilst realising he is now taking after the villainous Shannon … who is only a villain to herself and a passive aggressive Mike. At the other end of the spectrum, Tom was loving life with Shay out of the game and Barb Marley – who is now the last surviving female and really wants to win an immunity – appearing thrice daily.

Avi then started to foreshadow his downfall talking about how shocked and betrayed he would feel to be voted out next, which is how Shay felt when he flipped on her last night.

Back on redemption Shay explained that despite him flipping on her last night, she was working Jak and Mike overtime to help save Avi if they return by painting him as a non-threat.

After a brief interlude of Tom and Avi discussing how to play Mike if/when he returns, Matt returned to the screen for a paired off reward challenge for nuts. NUTS. I mean, I love we some nut but damn, on day 33 I’d want a fucking steak. Anyway, there was some kind of noughts and crosses style game for an island pick and mix, which Avi and Nate quickly took out thanks to an early mistake from Tom. But again, it was just for nuts … so who really cares.

Thankfully for Avi, it meant they were able to take their full sacks of nuts to a secluded section of the beach to bond and see where things go. Sadly Avi wasn’t able to lock in Nate’s trust or talk any strategy, so instead he reclined and tried to win him over with his masculine wiles.

Upon returning to camp, the final four (now) joined together on the shore to watch the sunrise and start black-market crab racing. After her crab turned out to be a rock, Barb reaffirmed her commitment to giving up on the game to focus on getting Avi and Tom to the final three … when she is by far the best remaining winner.

Talk once again turned to redemption island and the potential returnees, with Barb coaching Avi on how to win the game and the best way forwards depending on who comes back. Avi then joined Tom who made it obvious he was far more deserving of taking out the victory, given he actually seems to understand the game.

Finally we got a reprieve from all the talk, with the redemption island dwellers destroying the place on their way out to the battle … expecting it to be the last, which it clearly is not. Oh my, the fucking lols. Before we get to see their hilarious reactions when they realise they have to return to their mess, Shay, Mike and Jak competed in the Crystal Cox memorial challenge where they have to keep to poles balanced between the back of their hands and a beam.

Despite going better than stripped Olympic medalist Crystal Cox, Shay wasn’t able to outlast the boys and found herself out of the game, for realsies. While the boys were more heartbroken to discover they’d be going back to their destroyed camp and not returning to the game, yet.

While I had to explain to Shay that she wouldn’t be able to call her husband and smash any brownies after being eliminated, she was ok with the booby prize – my Shayonnaise Swain.

 

 

I mean, sure, mayo is a condiment and not a meal on its own. But when has that ever bothered me? Plus … it is pretty delicious, so shotting it isn’t that far outside the realm of possibility.

Enjoy!

 

 

Shayonnaise Swain
Makes: 1 cup(ish).

Ingredients
1 egg yolk
2 tsp lemon juice
1 tsp champagne vinegar
1 tsp Dijon mustard
salt and pepper, to taste
¾ cup canola oil

Method
Combine everything but the oil in a small bowl and whisk to combine.

Either whisking by hand, using a stick blender or the whisk attachment of a stand mixer – the latter being my preference – constantly whisk the mixture, while slowing adding the oil, allowing it to come together before adding more oil. Continue whisk on medium until the mayo has come together and it thick and glorious.

Cover and chill for a few hours before devouring … within two days. I feel it is too icky to keep it any longer.

 

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Chicken Ellen Barkin and Cheese Burger

Burgers, Main, Party Food, Snack

Where do I start with my girl Ellen Barkin? I know I shouldn’t have favourite characters within my favourite movie, but Annette Atkins is an icon and she even inspired my life’s mantra, once a carnie, always a carnie. Sure it doesn’t make sense if you don’t know I have a carnie fetish … but I guess I just told you? Blame The Simpsons.

Anyway, I’m now well off track.

I first met El in the early ‘80s while visiting my boy Steve Guttenberg on the set of Diner. While I was too busy obsessing over the divine Kevin Bacon, to form a lasting relationship with El, we reconnected on the set of Sea of Love – I was visiting Al Pacino – and our friendship was finally able to blossom.

When it came time to cast the role of Annette in Drop Dead Gorgeous, I knew that El was the only person I could trust. While she was a little hesitant to have a beer-can fused to her hand for half a movie, I was quickly able to win her over … and the results truly are beautiful.

She has been super busy with season 2 of Animal Kingdom lately, but jumped at the opportunity to celebrate her crowning cinematic achievement and witness my told-you-so- dance in all its glory.

Given how much I love her and how much I love burgers, my dinner choice was clear – my delightful Chicken Ellen Barkin and Cheese Burger!

 

 

Shamelessly inspired by the greatest thing on the KFC menu – well, outside of the Zinger Bacon and Cheese – this burger fills me with unending joy. Fresh, zingy, crisp fried chicken, bacon, cheese and a shit tonne of mayo and lettuce? You had me at zingy.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chicken Ellen Barkin and Cheese Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 chicken breasts, halved into bun sized fillets
½ mix of Farrahed Moan Chicken spice mix
8 rashers streaky bacon
4 slices high melt cheese
1-2 cups iceberg lettuce, roughly chopped
¼ mayonnaise

Method
Prepare the chicken breast fillets as per the Farrahed Moan Chicken Recipe until crispy and glorious.

Fry the bacon in a skillet over medium heat, until crisp.

To make the burgers, half the buns, slather the base with mayo, top with lettuce, bacon, cheese and chicken fillets. Then, obvi, devour.

 

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Bahn Michaela Bradshaw

Main, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

In the words of the great, wise Brandi Glanville – fuck you, fuck this, fuck that, fuck him, fuck you, fuck off.

I know, I should be telling you about what happened previously on Survivor, like how five of the first six women were minority women, Hannah had a panic attack, Taylor lost his in-game snuggle bunny, Ken was absolutely banging and Michaela was absolutely beasting the competition … but fuck this.

Seriously.

Not only did we suffer the pain of losing the final minority female cast member, said female was Michaela who was and forever will be my Queen … second only to Sandra Diaz-Twine.

Sure Taylor handled Adam screwing he and Figgy over with a lot more maturity and game awareness than I was expecting.

And yes David and Zeke confirmed their scrappy, underdog alliance.

But Michaela singlehandedly one her seventeenth challenge – behind Vanua, thanks to Chris’ beast 2.0 performance – after throwing out a bye Felecia about Figgy’s departure. Hell, I am so upset I can’t even bring myself to comment on how beautiful Ken looked glistening from the water, shooting hoops during the challenge.

The Vanua tribe may have enjoyed one of my favourite kind of rewards, where locals come to cook for tribe and they in turn repulse everyone by farting and burping. I guess it was an attempt at humour, knowing that Jay was about to crush our souls.

Either way, I’ll stop my sob story to say pray for Michelle as she suffers through bodily Chernobyl.

Over at Takali, Taylor continued to play beyond what I assumed was his capacity and worked over Jessica and Kengel. Or maybe he was looking to start a relationship with Kengel and his open shirt.

We then checked in with Ikabula, reminding me of the agony coming at the end of the episode. Thankfully Hannah started to win me back after her post-Mari faux-pas, trying to turn the tribe on Bret after she interrogated him on his career and immediately picked up on the fact that he is a cop.

It what feels like only moments after reward, Jiffy Pop arrived for to lord over the fateful immunity challenge involving a whole bunch of ball play, weighing down heavy sacks and shooting your load – of sacks – at a target. Normally this would be my favourite thing to write about … but I’m different now, knowing what Ikabula’s loss means.

I mean, even Kengel almost knocking out Adam while avoiding him to hug Taylor couldn’t make me smile.

Back at camp Ikabula had a moment of silence for my loss, before Sunday finally broke rank to start scrambling with Bret while Michaela rallied the kids to lay out their path to the final four. Sadly Queen Michaela’s strategic leadership spooked – rightfully – Jay, who pulled the young James Earl Jones impersonator aside and commenced the march to her doom and my pain.

For Jay it was a great move … for now at least – he got rid of arguably the biggest physical threat just before the merge, he made a huge play he can reference if he makes it to the end – particularly given he boldly told Michaela he had flipped while Jeff tallied the votes – and he saved Sunday and Bret which could become loyal numbers to repay the debt.

And he didn’t get killed by Michaela after her very dramatic blindside … although it would have been better if she had attempted to light his low-rent Joe Anglim locks on fire.

But, you know, choices.

None of that however changes the fact that Survivor lost an angel last night, in the form of sweet, feisty, Michaela – who I met at college and quickly befriended as I needed someone to keep me in line – and life will forevermore be broken down by the time before Michaela was voted out and after. The latter being a bleak time where nothing matters anymore. If only there was a way she could change her game fate …

On another season perhaps …

She was obviously not very happy to be blindsided from the game just before the merge but took comfort in a hearty Bahn Michaela Bradshaw, and the knowledge that she is the star of Millennials vs. Gen X.

 

bahn-michaela-bradshaw-1

 

Like our fallen angel, these sandy-j’s – maybe I shouldn’t bring up Jay right now – are full of flavour and plenty of heat. I mean, if a sandwich was ever going to dominate you in a winning fashion, this is it! Hot, sour, sweet and fresh – it is everything Michaela used to change the game.

Enjoy!

 

bahn-michaela-bradshaw-2

 

Bahn Michaela Bradshaw
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 Vietnamese baguettes or crusty white bread rolls
½ cup rice vinegar
½ cup raw caster sugar
sea salt
3 large carrots, peeled and grated shredded
500g minced pork
3 tbsp muscovado sugar
2 tbsp fish sauce
2 tbsp soy sauce
lemongrass stalk, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 tbsp chilli paste
pork liver pâté, to taste
mayonnaise, to taste
1 large Lebanese cucumber, quartered lengthwise and deseeded
handful coriander
2 shallots, finely sliced
sliced bird’s eye chilli, to serve

Method
Start with picklin’ your carrots by combining the vinegar and sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat and stir until the sugar has dissolved. Pour into a small bowl, grate in the carrots, add two teaspoons of salt and stir to combine. Leave to steep for an hour or two, drain and refrigerate.

Preheat to the oven to 180°C.

While the carrots are chilling like Michaela wasn’t on her way out, combine the pork in a bowl with a teaspoon of salt, muscovado sugar, fish and soy sauces, lemongrass, garlic and chilli paste and mix well to combine.

Form the meat into 6 sausage shaped pieces of meat, place on a lined baking sheet and bake for fifteen minutes, or until browned and just cooked through. Remove from heat and set aside.

To assemble, split the baguettes in half and slather one side with mayo and the other with pâté – and by slather, to your taste. Top with some pickled carrot, cucumber, pork and some coriander, shallot and chilli to taste.

Devour … being careful to avoid the fiery rather of the bird’s eyes / Michaela.

 

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Kat Dumonte Cristo

Australian Survivor, Main, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Craig got a clue … to the idol before a pair of downright sexually explicit challenges led to Vavau heading to tribal council. Somewhere in that time Rohan secretly slipped Phoebe his idol, saving her and sending him out of the game.

We opened at Vavau where Phoebe was left all alone swearing the death of Kat – and I assume the entire resort wear category – while Craig tried to perk her up and congratulate the play, despite him now being the only physically strong person left on the tribe.

The next day Andrew continued to rapidly outgrow his britches and gloated about his perfectly executed game. Shame he can’t perfectly execute the phrase shooting fish in a barrel.

He is the smartest person here, remember.

After Craig had an unsuccessful jaunt down the beach to find the idol, Kat approached Phoebe to rub salt in the wounds as the vultures – literally (… well maybe, all birds look murderous to me) – circled.

Finally we got a Saanapu proof of life where Lee and Sam continued with last night’s homoeroticism and celebrated their bromance, while the tribe enjoyed the life of luxury – making me wish Kat had lucked her way on to this tribe – and El appeared to be the only person thinking about the game started work on finding the cracks within the OG Saanapu.

Back at Vavau, Phoebe knew she was screwed so went searching for the idol with far more success than Craig. While Phoebs was enjoying a high point, the rest of the tribe were feeling dejected and defeated heading into the immunity challenge. While they are right to be scared, I feel Saanapu’s arrogance offers them hope for the future.

Though not today, they totally lost the challenge. Thanks to Andrew – self-proclaimed smartest person in the game – who struggled to recognise a large cartoon octopus in the puzzle and then completely gave up, leaving Kate to struggle on by herself.

We returned to Vavau where Andrew continued to sound like the NRA and focus on the need for guns and shooting, arrogantly assumed he was in control and continued to butcher phrases whilst throwing the target on Kat with nine lives.

Kate continued to win me over by talking to Craig about flipping the vote on Andrew who is as useful in challenges as he is with colloquialisms. The rest of OG Aganoa also realised that Andy was complete and utter dead weight, and turned their attention on him.

Then Phoebe shared the fact she found an idol with the girls forcing Kristie’s resting bitch face to work overtime.

We arrived at tribal council where JoJo gave a little bit of sass and some snide remarks about the poor decision to send Rohan home. Once again, Phoebe played hard at tribal, Sue showed her fire and Andrew professed his puzzle prowess, despite the fact he literally gave up during one in the last immunity challenge.

Then Kat happened, made Phoebe and Kristie shit their pants and confused the hell out of me as they went to the vote.

Sadly it was all for nothing as Kat made her way out of the game, hopefully taking Andy’s bastardisation of the English language with her.

As you’ve probably been able to guess, Kat and I first connected while modelling together for Trent Resort and Resort Report. We travelled the country, making in store appearances in DJs and becoming the best of friends.

I knew that Kat would only want one thing after arriving at loser lodge, my famed Kat Dumonte Cristo.

 

kat-dumonte-cristo-1

 

After a hard morning on the shop floor wooing rich octogenarian women, this little beauty was the only thing we could stomach. Decadent, rich and altogether delicious, it was everything those old ladies told us we weren’t. Perfect too, when you’ve just be voted out of your tribe.

Enjoy!

 

kat-dumonte-cristo-2

 

Kat Dumonte Cristo
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
4 thick slices of sourdough
Dijon mustard
mayonnaise
1 cup gruyere cheese, grated
4-8 slices ham, size and preference dependent
2 large eggs
¼ cup milk
good whack of salt and pepper
pinch ground nutmeg
2 tbsp butter
icing sugar
4-6 cornichons

Method
Lay out the bread on a chopping board, spread mustard on two slices and mayonnaise on the others. Layer some gruyere, ham and some gruyere again on two of the slices and top with the others. I know it goes without saying, but make sure each sandwich has both a mayo slice and the mustard. I KNOW but lower common denominator, you know?

Meanwhile whisk together the egg, milk, salt and pepper and nutmeg in a large shallow bowl, and dip each sandwich in the egg mixture, turning once or twice to ensure they are adequately coated.

In a large frying pan, melt the butter over medium-low heat until foamy and beautiful – is there anything more beautiful than foamy butter? Reduce heat to low and add the sandwiches and fry for a about five minutes a side, turning only once, until they are golden and beautiful on both sides.

Serve piping hot with a dusting of icing sugar and a couple of little cornichons. I mean, we aren’t animals!

 

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Carrie Fisher’n’Chips

Main, Seafood

Oh my goodness – my stomach is in agony! No i’m not into some odd masturbatory technique, I just haven’t stopped laughing for the last 24 hours.

It was such a treat to have Carrie over and reenact a good / funny version of SaTC with the part of New York dutifully played by my kitchen / television.

As you know, we met in rehab and were bonded instantly due the fact we were both poised to be celebrated writers and we had complex relationships with our Hollywood mothers. While my issues stemmed from the fact that I was generally running a scam at their expense, Carrie grew up in the limelight of the Reynolds-Fisher dynasty and drama which gave her a very different childhood … and me a reason to befriend her to get to Debs to form an alliance against Liz.

Obviously she stole two of her husbands from me … but that is another story for another time.

So back on track, I quickly ingratiated myself with the Reynolds-Fishers (often despite Caz’s better judgement) and have been a confidante to Caz ever since, filling each other’s lives with so much joy and laughter.

I can’t say enough about how beautiful and close our friendship is.

As I mentioned and I’m sure Star TrekWars fans would be aware, Caz just wrapped on the latest movie and was completely pooped so relished the opportunity to pull up a seat next to me in our twin recliners and make sassy, forced, attention grabbing statements about the semi-clad swimmers who were dutifully flooding our basements.

To get us in the mood – or to be more accurate, out of it – I whipped up a batch of her favourite / my famous Carrie Fisher’n’Chips.

 

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I assume I’ve mentioned it ad nauseam, if not, I fucking hate seafood. Hate it. I mean, they live in their filth (even though someone rightfully argued that they live in a purifying saline solution). Anyway, Carrie loves a good ole Fish and Chips and given that she just wrapped her time in London, I had to make something to help her acclimate back into the real world.

With that, I went heavy with the chilli, lemon and lime to drown the flavour of fish and served it with crispy chips and a delightful harissa mayo that had me *shudder* liking seafood.

Enjoy!

 

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Carrie Fisher’n’Chips
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
8 pieces of hoki portions (I hate seafood, of course I’m going to buy pre-portioned)
2 eggs, whisked
1 cup plain flour
2 cups panko breadcrumbs
¼ cup flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
1 tbsp chilli flakes
zest of one lime
vegetable oil
One serve of the chips from Friza Minnelli … I don’t think the Dolognese would help the chips

Harissa mayo
1 clove of garlic, finely minced
3 tbsp mayonnaise
4 tsp harissa paste
1 ½ tsp rose water

Tartare
1 cup mayonnaise
zest of one lemon
2 tsp capers, drained, finely chopped
2 gherkins, finely chopped
2 tbsp flat-leaf parsley, chopped

Method
Probs make a start on the chips first. Then when they are in the oven, whisk the eggs in a shallow bowl, the flour in a second shallow bowl and combine the breadcrumbs, parsley, chilli and lime in the third shallow bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper.

Dry the hoki pieces with some paper towel. Working piece by piece, coat the fish in the flour, dip in the egg and coat in the crumb. Rest on a plate and continue until they are all sorted.

Heat a good lug of vegetable oil in a large frying pan over medium heat, when it is nice and hot reduce the heat to low and fry two pieces at a time, 4-5 minutes per side. Remove to some paper towel and repeat until the fish is sorted.

Turn off the oven when the chips are done and place the fish on the lower shelf to keep warm while you quickly whip up the sauces … which are super easy. Place all the ingredients in separate bowls – obviously – and stir to combine.

Serve up the fish and chips with a fat dollop of the sauces and the cut up zested citrus. Devour.

 

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Scot Pollartichoke Dip

Condiment, Dip, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

Previously on Survivor, Debbie added juror to her extensive resume while the under 70s boys created chaos / Tai went to the darkside. Thankfully in Survivor, pride comes before a fall and after an episode partly-lived in the boys’ fantasy land, proclaiming their maturity and greatness and the fact they are in control, Aubry and Cydney continued their domination (who has better voting records? Exactly) and sent poor Scot and his questionable tatts to the jury.

Aside from the boys continual cockiness, we also got to witness the emergence of the final storyline of the season at the reward challenge, that being the battle between Julia v Tai for the Colby Donaldson memorial challenge beast title, with JuJuSki dominating for love – outlasting Joe for an entire four seconds – and Tai winning an (albeit cursed) advantage, essentially making him Dara’s demi-God.

Sure neither of them went on to win immunity, that went to what’s-his-face (no seriously, what is he going by – Sarge, Jason or the other one?), but mark my words, this season will birth an unlikely challenge beast.

With old-mate winning immunity and in possession of a hidden immunity idol, the under-70-with-peens alliance felt even more unstoppable. I don’t know if he woke up from the darkness he was held under, or felt safe with his newly minted God status, but Tai went back to the good guys and nah bro’d Scot’s request for the idol and sent him sadly into the night.

Sadly for poor Scot, this isn’t the first time misplaced trust has gotten him into trouble. You see, I am actually the reason for the “hey kids, do drugs” video – realistically, this should not come as a surprise to anybody. I was on a bender at the time and assured Scot the camera was off, knowing that his sway as a pro athlete would bring me stacks of business in and around West Beverly High.

Literally high, I had hoped.

Despite his portrayal on the show, Scot is an absolute sweetheart and despite wanting to throttle him throughout his time on the show, I figured it was crazy hypocritical to hold a grudge given our history, so welcomed him to ponderosa with open arms … and a big bowl of my famed Scot Pollartichoke Dip.

 

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Surprisingly, Scot was in good spirits when he made his way to Ponderosa – maybe he learnt about being a good sport during his time in the NBA, despite my advice to always seek revenge. Shit, am I the one that encouraged his behaviour last episode?

Anyway, artichoke dip is literally the greatest thing to ever happen. No joke. Hot, creamy, rich and cheesy … it is everything I want from a man shot straight into my mouth.

Minds out of the gutter, it is awesome – enjoy!

 

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Scot Pollartichoke Dip
Serves: 1 booted b-baller and his terrible influence.

Ingredients
800g canned artichoke hearts, rinsed, drained, and roughly chopped
½ cup mayonnaise
¼ cup grated parmesan, plus extra for garnishing
1 tbsp fresh lemon juice
1 garlic clove, minced
4 shallots, thinly sliced
handful baby spinach, shredded
crudites, crackers or bread, for scooping

Method
Preheat oven to 220°C.

In a food processor, place half the artichokes, mayo, parmesan, lemon juice, and garlic, and process until smooth.

Add shallots and the remaining artichokes and give a little pulse, without going nuts, so you have some texture. Fold through spinach and place in a size appropriate baking dish (not Tai tiny or Scot giant), top with extra parmesan and bake until hot and golden. 30 minutes should suffice.

Garnish with shallots, if you can be bothered, before devouring and burning off the roof of your mouth. Maybe let it cool a bit first?

 

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Lisa Curry Salmon Slice

Main, Seafood

Like a swim in the ocean or the Commonwealth Games pool, catching up with Lisa has the ability to instantly lift you and help clear everything out of your head. I guess that is why I became so reliant on her in the periods I’ve been in recovery.

Lisa has always had a maternal care for me and has been quick to give me the unequivocal support I crave from everyone, even when I’ve given her shonky business advice and caused an incident at Underwater World in the early 90s that inspired the Jurassic Park and Jaws franchises, as well as the film Deep Blue Sea.

That kind of support is enough to earn her the place as my third-best Sunshine Coast mother-figure.

Now full disclosure, I hate seafood. It is the absolute worst. I think it is because one day they are living in their filth and the next are being served on a plate. To quote the egregiously Academy Award snubbed (I am not joking) Drop Dead Gorgeous, “Don’t ever eat nothin’ that can carry its house around with it. Who knows the last time it’s been cleaned.”

But I’ve digressed.

Lisa has spent a lot of time in the ocean, so I assume she has either built up immunity to their filth or she has an iron gut. Either way, I had to go with a nod to her aquatic prowess by serving up my Lisa Curry Salmon Slice.

 

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I may hate seafood, but this kitsch 80s beauty is one aquatic meal I can stomach. Be it the curry, the cheese, the pastry or the memory of drowning it in ketchup until I could stomach it at five years old, there is something about this meal that is soothing and delicious.

In that so bad it’s good kinda way – enjoy!

 

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Lisa Curry Salmon Slice
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
220g pink salmon, drained
1 small onion, finely chopped
½ cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon chopped fresh chives
1 carrot, grated
1 tablespoon curry powder
½ cup cheddar cheese
2 sheets ready rolled puff pastry
1 egg, beaten

Method
Combine all ingredients, except pastry and egg, in large bowl and mix well.

Cut pastry sheets in half. Place 2 of the 4 halves on an oven tray. Place salmon mixture on pastry, leaving 2cm border. Fold remaining pastry in half lengthways. Cut through folded edge of pastry at an angle, at 1cm intervals, stopping 2cm in from the edge.

Brush edges of pastry on oven tray with egg, carefully unfold cut pastry, place over salmon filling. Press edges of pastry together with a fork. Brush top with remaining egg. Bake in moderate oven for about 25 minutes or until pastry is puffed and well browned.

Serve with steamed veggies … because that is better for you and Lisa wants you to remember that. Bless.

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