Previously on All Stars, fresh off touring together – and knowing they were massive threats as a runner-up and Ru’s fave, respectively – Kandy and Jimbo vowed to keep each other safe. Along with their fellow tour mate – and another Ru fave – Heidi. That wasn’t necessary yet, however, as The Supermarket Ball saw them all thrive to varying degrees, alongside Alexis and Jessica. On the other hand, it proved to be a struggle for our old gals with MKD proud that can’t sew – she is not Amish and has good credit, after all – and Darienne struggling with the finishing touches. Before taking the runway, Heidi admitted she wasn’t sure if she’d vote on track record, which made Kahanna nervous, given it is what saved her the week before. Ultimately she didn’t have to worry as MKD and Darienne landed in the bottom, Heidi threatened to quit for being safe, while Jessica’s creativity won out and then she beat lip sync assassin Ra’Jah to jag $30k. And tragically eliminate MKD.
Backstage the dolls were exhausted but thrilled to have made it through the ball, while Jessica was gagged to have won more money in the lip sync than the winner of her original season. Jessica admitted that she saved Darienne because she clearly has the fire and that MKD essentially told her she was good to go. The dolls sat down, leading to Darienne counting out the lipsticks with Jaymes and Jimbo admitting to being two of the votes, given they are sticking to voting solely on track record. Jessica meanwhile got iconic, asking if anyone wants to admit they aren’t happy with her win, with Kahanna telling her that she was shocked, though not disappointed. Jaymes spoke about really wanting it but assured her that she was proud of her, with Heidi also talking about not thinking she was going to win but being proud of her nonetheless. And while the congratulations sucked, trust and believe Jessica was fired up to continue slaying and send them home one by one. Like an icon.
The next day Heidi’s energy was back up, ready to jag her first win by smashing a hyman – or heisman, who knows – before the dolls lolled about MKD’s mess of a final dress. After Jimbo tossed her salad at the dolls, Ru dropped by to announce that for this week’s Maxi Challenge they would be writing and filming trailers for new shows. And to assign teams, they’d need to smash balloons with the Pit Crew, so fucking swoon. Lala was topped by Bruno into the green team, Kahanna bottomed for Bryce into green before Kandy took it from Bruno until she landed on the purple team. Darienne haphazardly topped Bryce into the blue, Heidi also bottomed for Bruno into green, Jessica was eiffel towered into purple, Jaymes was choked into blue, Bryce took it from Alexis into blue before Jimbo rounded out purple. Despite not getting face fucked, as per her request.
After everyone tidied up, the groups split up to brainstorm their shows with Alexis, Darienne and Jaymes trying to pick a genre, and while Jaymes has voted for Darienne twice now, she lived for Darienne’s island of fake-dead celebs ala Lost. And while Alexis felt like it was too convoluted to sell in a short time, she trusted her sisters were funny enough to make it work. Kahanna, Lala and Heidi were focused on logic and humour, going with two dumb dumbs trying to kidnap a hottie. Who ultimately escapes because her tucking panties are rank. Jimbo, Jessica and Kandy – aka the winning team – were going with Heathers does Carrie, until Kandy suggested spoofs won’t take out victory given the judges may not think they are creative. And since Jimbo and Kandy argued over who should play the killer – one of them or the Pit Crew – maybe I jinxed them and Heidi is finally going to get her win. Because Jimbo is right in thinking Ru just wants to laugh and doesn’t care about logic.
We followed them straight to set to film with Emmy winner Michelle Visage where Kandy struggled to fake-out with Bryce, Jessica slayed faking a blow job with Bruno before Jimbo tried to pull lippie out of all the holes. And while Michelle was worried they’d get cancelled, I am hopeful this is going to be a hilarious, sexy classic. Lala and Heidi meanwhile were unhinged in all the right ways, which made Kahanna nervous about not being up to their level. Darienne meanwhile was still vibing her concept, Alexis was smutty and Jaymes was surprisingly off and damn, I hope this is a fake out because I am rooting for them to have their breakout moment this week.
Elimination Day arrived with everyone splitting up to work through the key art for their shows, with Team Run Queen Run – Lala, Heidi and Kahanna – quickly locking something before kikiing about how the other teams did. Alexis meanwhile was nervous about their commercial, given Michelle gave them nothing during filming. Kandy and Jimbo meanwhile spoke about the fact the dolls view them as the biggest threats, speculating that if they land in the bottom, they will definitely be going home. They then formed an alliance with Jessica, vowing to protect each other should that happen. They called over Alexis to talk about how her team went with Alexis confident she wasn’t the worst, hinting it is Jaymes and gurl, please leave her alone. Kandy meanwhile checked in with how Heidi was feeling and while I think it was genuine, Heidi returned to being flustered, feeling like Kandy was trying to make her appear weak in front of everyone and paint a target on her back. Heidi then went off, telling Lala that she has tea that was spilled off camera and trust, if and when she reveals it, it will turn besties into enemies real fast.
Ru, Michelle and TS were joined by young Maude Apatow as the Ass The World Turns runway was opened – all the way up – by Jaymes in an iconic Mayan goddess bodysuit with all the curves in all the right places. Darienne gave golden space warrior, Alexis gave bridal badonkadonk – complete with natural cake – Kandy served anime blow-up doll realness, Jessica was glamorous in white – with a kiss on her arse, to boot – Jimbo gave the alien, upmarket version of Kandy’s runway, Heidi zagged serving slutty Eeyore, Kahanna served the journey to her implanted butt before Lala closed the show in a stunning red suit in front with a full arse out, in the back.
When it came to their commercials, Get Off Island was a bit of a mess but still fun, as Darienne played a stunning bimbo. Jessica, Kandy and Jimbo meanwhile were perfect from start to finish, with Jimbo the breakout of Best Friends 4 Never as she turned into a murderous nerd. While group Run Queen Run were fun and camp, though it was mainly due to Heidi and Lala’s accent work. Ru then gagged the dolls announcing that this week would be judged as teams, with Run Queen Run sent to safety before Jaymes received praise for her Marilyn, though was read for their commercial not having any laughs. Though her look was beloved. Darienne was praised for slaying her role and looking the best she’s ever looked, though read for not giving enough jokes. While Alexis was deemed the best on the runway, though their sketch was just pleasant.
Obviously Alexis immediately threw Darienne under the bus for coming up with the concept as she apologised to the judges. Darienne meanwhile pointed out that everything has been done before, so she felt it was a good concept. Moving on to the other group Kandy received universal praise for her mean girl schtick while the judges lived for the spoof concept, given it gave them room to play. Oh and they loved her outfit. Jessica too was beloved though Michelle cautioned that she needed to add more highlights to her make-up. While Jimbo received all the top marks, given she is a star and was far and away the best actress across all the commercials. Which is why she took out her second victory of the season, while all three of the bottom team were up for elimination. Officially.
Backstage Heidi, Lala and Kahanna were thrilled to be safe, with the latter thrilled that her implants and the runway saved her. The trio spoke about how fun a week they had, putting that down as the reason for succeeding. Kahanna meanwhile thanked her sisters for helping her get the confidence to slay and ugh, I love this for them. Talked turned to Heidi’s moment last week, with her admitting she is grateful to have cleared her head and be able to just have fun. They then started speculating who the tops and bottoms would be, agreeing that the school girls would definitely be winning while one of the islanders would be getting off.
As they spoke about Darienne being an icon, the tops and bottoms joined and immediately confirmed their suspicions on placements. Alexis again spoke about wishing she had mentioned she wasn’t vibing on the concept, with Darienne pointing out she could have thrown out ideas but she didn’t and her calling out Darienne felt like she was excusing herself of any blame. And while I get what Alexis is saying, it wasn’t nice. Good TV, but not nice. Jaymes was first to kiki with Jimbo pointing out she has had a solid run thus far and as such, she feels she should stay and continue her rudemption. And given they were vibing, we can mark her down as definitely safe. Darienne meanwhile agreed with the dolls that while her track record hasn’t been great, she doesn’t really feel like people should focus on track records. Alexis immediately refuted that, saying there should be grace for one stumble and she is here for both herself and her sisters. Despite throwing one under the bus.
Alexis was next to kiki with Jimbo, with Jimbo straight up asking her to identify who should go home with Alexis saying Darienne owned the concept and as such, that would be a reason to go home while Jaymes was also the weakest performance. While Jimbo hilariously wanted to send her out for not having her sisters’ back. Jaymes meanwhile told the dolls that her track record should speak for herself and that she has come a long way. Oh and she will shit in everyone’s station if they kick her out. Darienne meanwhile assured Jimbo that keeping her will be best for her game, and that if she were saved, there will be undying loyalty and werk, Darienne. Let’s hope Jimbo rewards her wanting to play the game, rather than punishes it.
Oh and then Maude dropped by and was so cute and sweet, but that is all.
With that the dolls voted before Jimbo took her place on stage where she learnt that this lip sync she’d be losing to the OG drama queen, Shannel. As soon as Joan Jett’s Bad Reputation kicked off however, Jimbo looked ready to win her first lip sync as she served rocker in all the right ways. Sadly for her though, so did Shannel. And well, she had a little Vegas showgirl reveal alongside some comedy tricks, complete with broken nails, which was enough to secure her the win, making Jimbo 0 from 5. After she took her place at the back of the stage, Shannel announced that despite a solid week where she wouldn’t have been in the bottom if it wasn’t judged in groups, poor Darienne’s return was cut short. And ugh, I am heartbroken.
As Darienne arrived backstage, I pulled her in for a massive hug as I sobbed, gutted to have lost our old dames back to back. I then apologised for not being a massive fan in Season 6, with Darienne reminding me that isn’t really relevant, though I wanted her to know how drastically my opinion had changed. Darienne – the icon who served your mother darns socks in hell – has always been a polished, talented performer, however this season, it felt like she had less to prove so she was just vibing and having fun. And in turn, I had fun watching her slay – despite what the placements would have you believe – which to me, more than earns her a toast with a Darienne Blakeberry Martini.
Sweet, tart and a little bit sour, this drink has it all. The blackberry, lemon and gin work perfectly to refresh your palate and cleanse the soul, to avoid the socks in hell sitch.
Darienne Blakeberry Martini
Serves: a lake’s worth, or 4.
2 cups blackberries
¼ cup crème de cassis
1 tbsp raw caster sugar
1 cup gin
2 tbsp Triple Sec
1 tbsp sugar syrup
2 tbsp fresh lemon juice, plus lemon wedges to prep
Blitz the blackberries, creme de cassis and sugar in a blender until smooth and strain into a jug.
Fill a martini shaker with ice, top with the gin, triple sec, lemon juice, sugar syrup and ⅓ cup of the berry puree. Shake like a polaroid picture, which you’re not meant to do, for about 20 seconds, or until well combined.
Rub the rims of the glasses with lemon and press into a little bit of salt – I know, very marg, but I’m a salty gal. Divide the martini amongst the glasses, then down, like the legend you are.
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