Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race Yvie Oddly bent, snapped and contorted her way to victory, this time without any butterflies being massacred at the finale. Oh and if we’re talking about UK, well the entire cast dominated and reinvigorated my little gay heart, delivering one of the greatest seasons of all time. While I sound like Kanye cutting off TayTay, The Vivienne, Baga and Divina all dominated and could have easily secured victory, despite the fact that I was thrilled that Viv took out the crown. Particularly over her nemesis, Cheryl Hole.
But enough is enough, let’s get on with this …
Kicking off season 12, we met Brita – not Filter – who is a loud, proud New Yorker with confidence to match her resume. Though she did say she goes from Maui to Moana, so I live. She was joined by Nicky Doll who is French, recently relocated to NYC and immediately my basement is flooded. Widow Von’du came in dressed like one of the crows from Moira Rose’s crow movie and told us to get rid of our gag reflexes. So I love her. Fourth in was Jackie Cox, Persian princess turn nerd turn me on. I mean, that confessional look has me moister than an oyster. And her nerdy jerks are cute. I live, I love – Jackie is life. Heidi N’ Closet did a whistle tone Xena entry and I love her. I mean, she looks like your grandfather’s third wife in drag and out could choke me in all the right ways. I mean, chickens do outnumber people in her hometown. Gigi Goode served Christopher Columbus chic and I live. Again, boy Gigi is also super hot or I am super horny. I don’t know. Crystal Methyd was next in serving Oz-It realness and I love her personality. I mean, accidentally spitting and laughing at your own jokes? We have so much in common.
Everyone was shocked by Ru arriving after only seven queens entered the competition before she explained that like season 6 before it, this season premiere would be split over two weeks and as such, only half would enter this week. And these seven would be kicking things off with a mini challenge where they would serve both a spring and fall runway look.
On the runway Ru, Michelle and Carson were joined by Raven and a faux Kimye – Mayhem and Kimora – to judge. While Brita looked beautiful, her reveal was nothing like Violet’s runway look. Nicky came out swinging, serving a beautiful flower look. Widow rocked some fluro neoprene, though in a good way. Which is a sentence I never thought I would say. Jackie served swinging 60s, Heidi wore a technicolour curtain before she ripped off her own wig on the way out the door. Gigi rocked pastel biker babe while Crystal looked like your cool aunt at her first same-sex wedding in Greece. For fall looks, Brita looked like an oil slick and well, wasn’t great. Nicky was chic in a tux, Widow gave a nude voluminous reveal, Jackie again looked like an extra on The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, Heidi was beige peacock stunning, Gigi Goode rocked Divina de Campo’s jockey look and Crystal was the love child of Freddy Kruger and a Lisa Rinna duster.
The queens went backstage to untuck where the queens were thrilled to see that Nicky is packing, Crystal and I have the same hair and more importantly, has a One Direction in Arabic. Oh and everyone has a boner for Jackie.
Before a winner was declared, Ru returned to announce that the mai challenge would require each queen to write a rap verse on the new single I’m That Bitch and perform it live on the mainstage. In front of my iconic friend, Nicki Minaj.
The queens split up to write their verses with Widow, Crystal and Brita at one table, and Jackie, Nicky, Heidi and Gigi on the other. While Jackie was shitting herself about writing a rap, Brita was confident thanks to her Broadway career. They alll joined together to discuss the choreography, with Heidi and Widow put in charge, filling the latter with terror as being in charge puts a target on your back. The girls visited the mainstage to work on the choreography, with Gigi terrified given she is a terrible dancer while Brita quickly grew tired of Widow’s one movement. Jackie joined the frey, driving Widow insane given they asked her to lead them. Everyone started to talk over each other, desperate to get their moment to shine and honestly, it became a mess. As it reached peak mess, Nicky requested that one person take charge and lead them, with Heidi offering to take control. Which made Widow furious.
Elimination Day rolled around and Heidi announced that last night she had an allergic reaction to something and spent the night in the ED, making her nervous since she is a dance queen, yet hasn’t had a chance to rehearse. Nicky and Jackie spoke about their backgrounds, with Jackie sharing that she doesn’t know any other queer people of Persian descent, though she hoped that giving visibility to it, may help others. Brita admitted to being stressed about the choreography the day before. She checked in with Widow to see if she was annoyed about it and while Widow was totally pissed, she shared that she does not care given she is going to slay.
On the mainstage Widow well and truly slayed her part, while Brita kinda missed her own lyrics. Crystal looked like a demented leopard in the best way possible, Gigi looked a mess, though her performance was amazing, Heidi slayed the dancing like the second coming of ChiChi DeVayne, Jackie went the comedy route to great success and Nicky was amazing, though maybe I’m in love? On the Sparkle Runway, Brita was frosted from tip to toe, Crystal served cartoon devil on the shoulder, Gigi was a shimmering Whacky Racer, Heidi was stunning as a 50s era diva, Jackie was I Dream of Jeannie in the boudoir, Nicky was stunning despite the feathers and Widow went sexy Star Trek chic.
Brita received universal praise for her looks, though her lyrics fell flat. Crystal too received universal praise for her looks and their comedic flair, her lyrics were great though her Michelle was worried she would be stuck being costumey. Gigi was called out for her passion for helmets, despite getting a lot of love for her looks. And Nicki loved her killer lyrics, so they were happy to look the other way. Heidi’s personality did all the talking, earning the judges hearts and made them ignore most of her errors. Namely, her hair and make-up on the mainstage. We also learnt that she is allergic to kale, which is what almost killed her. And I live. The judges loved everything that Jackie did and how open she is about herself, despite the fact her five o’clock shadow is super strong and may be her undoing. Nicky too received universal praise for the looks despite struggling on the mainstage. Though Nicki love her given she was her namesake. Oh and then the judges gushed over everything Widow did this week.
Ultimately Brita, Jackie, Crystal, Nicky and Heidi were sent to safety, leaving Gigi and Widow to think they were in the bottom two. But psyche, Ru informed them that they are actually the top two of this week’s challenge and as such, will be lip syncing for their legacy … as nobody will be going home because of the split premiere. Both queens gave it their all lip syncing to Starships but let’s be honest, this was always Widow’s lip sync to lose. While Gigi gave a surprisingly killer comedy performance, Widow slammed herself all over the stage and well and truly earnt her $5,000 tip. As I said to my frenemy Serena ChaCha, who I invited over to watch the premiere with me.
Mainly so I could reiterate how she should have been the first boot of season 5.
While that may have been true, Serena was pretty heartbroken that I straight up said it, assuming that I had invited her over to finally put an end to our feud. You see, we attended art school together – did you know she went to art school?! – until I was brutally expelled … after she ratted me out for stealing all of his pieces and submitting them as my own. While I was obviously in the wrong, I was furious and couldn’t believe that someone would have the gall to call me out for my shitty ways. And as such, I paid off the producers to give her as horrible an edit as possible.
Seeing her crying when I was so cruel after the episode however, made me feel this strange emotion. I think it is known as guilt? As such, I pulled her in for a hug, apologised for making her the villain in our shared story and then, even more out of character, vowed to make it right for her. My Serirachacha Mayo being the first peace offering in our journey to renewed friendship.
Like Serena, this little number is bold, loud and spices up even the most boring of moments. Oh my God, do I actually have a soft spot for her?
Makes: 1 cup.
1 garlic clove, finely grated
¾ cup Shayonnaise Swain
¼ cup Sriracha
1 lemon, zested and juiced
pinch of kosher salt
Place everything in a bowl.
Store. Or, you know, devour.