Engelbert Hummingbirdinck Cake

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

After the debacle of catching up with my frenemy, the worst winner of Drag Race and – my honest opinion only – all around garbage person Tyra Sanchez, it was so nice to spend time with my kind friend Engelbert Humperdinck.

Kind, warm, funny, charming and best of all, kind and open with his fans … friend.

Unlike Tyra.

Anyway, I first met the Dinck and his – well, you know – back in the ‘60s when he was still getting his career off the ground. My dear friend Tom Jones’ manager was his former roommate and one night while we were out partying, we decided his name was holding him back. Ten minutes later Engelbert was born and Arnold was no more.

With that, I earned his complete and unequivocal trust, shaping his career ever since. Well until yesterday, when he tragically declined my offer to coach him to another Eurovision berth. Which no doubt would have been more successful.

While I was upset he didn’t trust me, I respect his wishes like a friend – unlike say, Tyra would – and we instead focused on reconnecting and havin’ a laff. Though that is kind of the go to reaction to splitting an Engelbert Hummingbirdinck Cake between two best friends.



Moist, sweet and perfectly spiced, hummingbird cake is like a carrot cake on crack. In all the right ways. Add in some cream cheese icing and my shorts are creamed, culinarily speaking obvi.




Engelbert Hummingbirdinck Cake
Serves: 12.

1 ½ cups flour
1 tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
2 tsp ground cinnamon
½ tsp ground ginger
pinch of nutmeg
1 cup, muscovado sugar
½ cup desiccated coconut
½ cup walnuts, roughly chopped, plus extra to garnish
2 ripe bananas, mashed
450g crushed pineapple (in juice), drained with juice reserved
2 eggs, lightly whisked
¾ cup sunflower oil, plus extra to grease
250g cream cheese, at room temperature
3 cups icing sugar mixture

Preheat oven to 160°C and grease 2 x 25cm cake tins.

Sift together the flour, baking powder and soda, and spices in a large bowl. Fold through the muscovado sugar, coconut and walnuts. In another bowl, combine the banana, pineapple, eggs, oil and ⅓ of the pineapple juice. While stirring pour the wet ingredients into the dry, and continue to fold until just combined.

Divide the mixture between the lined tins, transfer to the oven and bake for 40 minutes, checking after half an hour. You want it golden brown on the outside and an inserted skewer to just come out clean. Allow to cool for five minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

While the cakes are cooling, beat the cream cheese and icing sugar until it is light, fluffy and just combined. Don’t overbeat as the icing will become too soft.

To assemble, smear a third of the icing on top of one of the cakes. Top with the second cake, and smear the rest of the icing on top and around the edges. Press the remaining walnuts into the icing and transfer to the fridge to set for an hour or so, removing ten minutes before serving … and devouring.


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Baking, Breakfast, Vegetarian

Now don’t get me wrong, I love me some Hollywood. I mean, my relationships with the A-list of it inspired this patch of cyberspace … but sometimes it is nice just to hang out with a fellow Australian. And by that, Kiwi we adopted as our own after they became a success.

I first met Granty while working together on Blue Heelers in the ‘90s. You see, I created and wrote for the show, inspired by my experiences in the town of Mt Thomas in the ‘80s. Crime was so rife – 99% of them committed by me – that I knew it would make Aussie TV gold, and a legend was born.

But back to Grant. Grant walked in to audition and I instantly knew that he was the Wayne I had dreamed about and the rest, as I oft say, is history.

Grant was so grateful to me for giving him his big break that he pledged undying allegiance to me and begged me to guide his career. Given he worked on True Blood with Anna and Al, Ugly Betty with Alan Dale, I think you’d agree that my influence truly helped.

No shade to his talent though, obvi.

It was such a delight to hang out together, laugh about the good ol’ days with Sacky, McCune and Johnny Woods, reflect on the tragedy that was the latter seasons of True Blood – minus Skarsy’s peen shot – and devour some nourishing Grantbola for the day ahead.



Did I not mention we’re both morning people and work out together? We’re sickeningly cute bestos. Inspired by Sarah Wilson’s coconut-nut granola but made infinitely better thanks to the inclusion of fruits and other things you can’t eat after quitting sugar, this is the only granola you want in your life.




Serves: 12-ish. Maybe? A soft maybe. I’m not sure, let’s call a shit-tonne and be done.

¼ cup coconut oil
3 cups coconut flakes
½ cup almonds, roughly chopped
½ cup cashews, roughly chopped
½ cup walnuts, roughly chopped
½ cup macadamias, roughly chopped
2 cups rolled oats
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 tsp cinnamon
pinch of nutmeg
2 tbsp muscovado sugar
½ cup apple puree
½ cup craisins

Preheat oven to 120°C.

Combine everything but the craisins in a large bowl until everything is coated and combined.

Spread across two lined baking sheets and cook for 10 minutes, toss, and cook for a further 10 or so, or until golden. Remove, toss through the craisins and allow to cool completely.

Store in an airtight container for up to two weeks, devouring daily with yoghurt, fresh berries and, if you want to upset Sarah further, some Mahersharaspberry Coulis.


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Coconut Richa

Side, Snack

After spending the last couple of weeks ending feuds and celebrating the finale of Australian Survivor – and the rump of cray Patrick / cray Alan’s strip searched on the OG version – I decided it was well and truly time to lighten things up with one of my sanest, lightest friends, Coco Rocha.

And I’m not just talking about her model figure, she truly is the lightest, sweetest person I possibly know.

While we’ve only know each other since 2011 after meeting on the set of ANTM: All Stars, she truly is one of my dearest friends. She was guest judging and was completely terrified of my frenemy Tyra, so I took her under my wing and acted as her guardian / gave her tips to stay on the right side.

Oh how poor Tiffany could have used those tips …

Given her young family, Cocs has been super busy and we haven’t caught up in the last year or so, so it was such a treat to sit down, relax and reconnect. While I did float the idea of trying to help Tyra and Naomi – her friend from The Face, though not The Face that Sarah ran-up on – heal, we realised it was a stupid move, laughed and devoured our Coconut Richa.



Now I know it seems dodgy to only feed a model rice … but this is probably the least healthy was to eat it. With a big whack of creamy coconut, how can you go past it? Plus – it is the perfect accompaniment for a Massamanda Peet Curry or some Thai Chicken Meatburrells.




Coconut Richa
Serves: 4-6.

2 cups jasmine white rice
2 cups coconut milk
1 ¾ cups water
salt and pepper, to taste

Chuck everything, bar the seasoning, in a large pot and bring to the boil over a high heat.

Once bubbling, reduce the heat to low, cover tightly with a lid and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 15 minutes or so.

Once most of the liquid has gone, add a whack of salt and pepper, give a good stir, turn off the heat but leave on the for a further ten minutes.



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Chicken Sades

Main, Poultry, Side, Snack

I feel like I say this often, but words honestly cannot do justice to how kind, sweet and divine my girl Sade is. It’s kind of weird that I appreciate kindness in others, when I value ruining the careers of any celebs that cross me. I truly should be studied.

But enough about me, Sade and I have been dear friends for decades and I am the reason the smooth operator made the switch from a fashion career to music.

Obviously it was me that suggested Sade, Stuart and the Pauls deflect from Pride and start up a rival band in the ‘80s. I was the inspiration behind the songs – including but not limited to, obvi – You’re Love is King, Smooth Operator (changed from masturbater for “mass” appeal, apparently), Sweetest Taboo and No Ordinary Love. It was also me that successfully campaigned for her to become a Commander of the Order of the British Empire earlier this year.

Given that last fact, Sade had come over to thank me for always championing her career and ensuring she gets the recognition she so greatly deserves. Can you believe it? A doll. The woman is an absolute doll.

It was such a treat to kick back and catch-up over expensive champagne, imported Iranian caviar and a big old batch of my Chicken Sades (… as a booze chaser).



A little bit spicy, a dash of sweetness and packed full of nuts, the satay works perfectly with the tender chicken leaving a party in your mouth, to which everyone is invited. That sounds wrong … or like the sweetest taboo TBH.




Chicken Sades
Serves: 4.

500g chicken breasts, cut into strips or dice … I don’t mind. You do you, boo
peanut oil
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
4 shallots, thinly sliced
1 tsp chilli flakes
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 tsp soy sauce
1 tsp tamarind paste
¼ cup crunchy peanut butter
1 can coconut milk

Thread the chicken onto metal skewers and allow to rest, covered in the fridge, for about half an hour.

While they are chilling, heat a small lug of peanut oil in a small frying pan and fry the garlic, shallots and chilli for a few minutes or until the kitchen is fragrant. Add the sugar, soy sauce, tamarind and peanut butter, and stir to combine. Add the coconut milk and cook until thickened.

Remove the skewers and cook the chicken your preferred method brushing with satay sauce as you go, I went baked because they were too long for my griddle and I’m morally against BBQs. I mean, sure, the satay sauce went a bit crunchy … but it tasted delicious.

Plus, you serve it with any leftover sauce … before devouring.


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Macarooney Mara

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Honestly – there aren’t enough kind words in the sixteen most common languages in the cosmos to describe how wonderful Rooney is. I mean, I don’t want to be off brand and sound like i’m gushing … but damn, she is simply the greatest.

Roons and I met each other in the early noughties while attending Fox Lane High School, and quickly bonded over our similar familial backgrounds. She is one of four siblings, I am one of four siblings, in both our cases, there is also an even split of genders … I mean, we’re essentially the same with just that. But let me tell you, it doesn’t stop there – Roons is the heir to the Pittsburgh Steelers / New York Giants dynasties, I was the heir to a fruit and vegetable empire that supplied the food to the production company that does I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here.

Oh – you’re welcome for feeding the (all too brief) love of Peter Andre and Jordan.

To top of the similarities, she is from a football family and my dad was – for some reason – on a football card. So yeah, we had a shit tonne in common at school before we even realised that we were both hella cool, artistic and destined for Hollywood greatness.

As I’ve already mentioned, we did have a brief period of nastiness when I found out she was working on Lion with my then nemesis Nicky Kids but not only did she win me back, she sorted through mine and Nicole’s issues and made us the best of friends.

Given she is now eligible for sainthood despite being alive, I wanted to make something as pure and sweet as my girl to say thanks. And there is nothing more pure and sweet than my Macarooney Mara.



Macaroons are quite possibly the easiest thing you could possible make which I think adds to their deliciousness. I mean seriously, if you ever have an extra egg white you can throw together a batch in less than twenty minutes. Plus, they are sweet, toasty coconut – the BEST … like Roons.




Macarooney Mara
Serves: 6-8.

2 egg whites
⅓ cup raw caster sugar
1 tbsp vanilla extract
1 cup desiccated coconut
1 cup shredded coconut

Preheat oven to 140°C.

Whisk the egg, sugar and vanilla until the sugar dissolves. Add the coconut and stir until well combined.

Divide the mixture into golf-ball sized little mounds and place on a lined baking sheet.

Place in the oven and bake for 12 minutes, or until golden and firm.

Remove from the oven and cool completely on the tray before serving … or resign yourself to eating it with a spoon.


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Banh Gan Haining

Australian Survivor, Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor, new Saanapu and new Vavau got to know each other before Aganoa stunned Vavau and the Australian public by staging an epic comeback, sending new-Vavau to tribal council and dear Baz to loser lodge.

We opened up at Vavau where Jennah Louise assures us that they are still OG strong, despite Barry’s axing. I mean, I love Baz but you can’t play with a question mark so I get it. Contrast that with Conner’s pity party misdirect and Andrew and Kate swooping on the old Saanapus and we know that Jennah Louise is clearly wrong and we are witnessing the beginning of the end of old Vavau.

Meanwhile over on Saanapu, Nick was working overtime to prove his worth while Tegan commenced sharpening the knife for his back. Nick continued in the tradition of Australian Survivor and started to overplay and scared the rest of his tribe before we finally got to hear something meaningful from Tegan. I almost miss her invisible edit.

Off topic but did Aganoa get wiped out by the waves from the first episode and I missed it?

Seriously, we’re back at Vavau? Congratulations Aganoa, you’re clearly not attending tribal any time soon! Neither may Kate as her armpit has developed a boil to rival Mt St Neal and I’m praying for a medevac just so I can stop looking at it.

Finally Jonathan gave us proof that Aganoa are alive before a tough barrel racing reward for corporate sponsorship Hungry Jacks. I mean, fucking delicious…but there was no mention of onion rings, so not worth it. Despite a massive come from behind, Aganoa were unable to pull off the win returning to their losing ways and a whopper-less camp.

I assume that after downing their reward – particularly Saanapu with the soft drinks – they all blew-out their rectums pretty hardcore, so really the heartbroken Aganoa tribe are the true winners.

As are we for getting to experience Lee sharing his heart with us. Benjamin Carseldine sounds nice, doesn’t it?

The whoppers disappeared – off topic, but couldn’t they spring for the star HJs burger the Bacon Deluxe – and we went straight into immunity where a member from each tribe had to suspend another over water until someone dropped. Writing the jokes for me, Matt the magician made Brooke disappear sending Saanapu back to tribal, meaning Aganoa finally got to experiencing outnumbering another tribe.

Well, that is if Kate isn’t taken out by the monster boil/infection under her armpit. After what was probably the most disturbing scene I’ve seen, Dr Briony – not as good as the vintage US doctors (I want to say her name was Ramona circa Samoa/Heroes vs. Villains) but will do – was able to drain the boulder and keep Kate in the game for another few days to see how it heals.

Back at Saanapu, the scrambling commenced with Tegan and Nick trying to throw the target onto Kylie, while the OG girls focused on getting rid of Nick and Matt turned his attention to getting rid of Tegan. Needless to say, by the time they walked off to tribal I was horrifically confused and in need of some booze.

After some very basic and obviously maths from Jonathan, Nick and Tegan scrambled hard and Kylie played her idol before Tegan made her way to loser lodge and my loving arms.

Of course I am close friends with Tegan, after meeting at Beckingham Palace when she was David’s personal trainer and I was the kids au pair, surrogate momager and lil Vicky’s BFF.

Despite having a rocky start to the relationship after she was employed by David to replace the naked Greco Roman wrestling regime I was training him, we eventually grew close (after I discovered she would never be able to usurp my place in Dave’s heart) and I knew that my face and a big Banh Gan Haining.




To be fair, I’d never made these before my time in Samoa but I knew these were her fave from our time with the Beckhams, where she’d demand their chef make them thrice daily. But with the strong whack of lime, cutting through the silky, sweet coconut, who could blame her? Obviously feel free my violent criminal style of decanting – yes they look bad … but don’t hold it against them.





Banh Gan Haining
Serves: 6.

1 cup caster sugar
⅓ cup water
400ml coconut milk
1 ½ cups milk
6 eggs, lightly whisked
½ cup firmly packed muscovado sugar
1 tsp vanilla bean paste
zest of a lime

Preheat oven to 160°C.

Combine the caster sugar and the water in saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring, for a couple of minutes or until the sugar has dissolved. Crank the heat up to high and bring to the boil. Cook, this time sans stirring for a couple of minutes or until golden. Remove from the heat and pour into 6 ramekins. Set aside to set.

While they are hardening up, whisk the milks, egg, brown sugar, vanilla and lime zest in a large bowl until combined. Strain through a fine sieve and pour into each ramekin.

Place the ramekins in a baking dish, fill the baking dish with boiling water so it comes half up the edges of the ramekins and bake for half an hour, or until just set.

Remove from the water bath and transfer to a wire rack to cool for an hour. Transfer to a baking sheet, cover with cling and refrigerate overnight to chill.

When you’re ready, remove the ramekins from the fridge half an hour before serving, run a warmed knife around the edge and carefully transfer to a plate. Obviously I ignored the careful part of the process.


Recipe adapted from Taste.com.au


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Condoleezza Rice and Beans

Side, Snack

What a day to catch up with Condy! Despite our different political views, joining together to watch Hillary become the first woman secure to a major party’s presidential nomination in the US was so exciting for feminist, political scientists like us.

As you know, Condoleezza and I first connected in university and have stayed in close contact ever since. Yes, GBJ is the worst but that shouldn’t take away from the brilliant mind and kind heart that Condy possesses.

I haven’t shared much about my past in politics but amongst my stints in rehab, the arrests and my fluctuating periods of fame, I became a fierce political animal and have been involved in all major political decisions in the US, the EU, Canada and the Cook Islands in the past three decades, in an advisory or dictatorial capacity.

But a great political mind like mine can’t do it alone and that is where Condy and I work so well together, discussing the issues and generally being dominant bosses.

I hadn’t seen Condy since the email scandal broke – full disclosure, I told Hizza to use her personal email AND dob in Condy and Colly – and was a bit nervous about how my betrayal would be received.

I was also very nervous as I hadn’t brushed up on my Russian and that is the only language we communicate in. Again, like bosses.

Thankfully I had nothing to worry about with Condy giving me the warmest of embraces when she arrived, so excited to watch the results roll in / discuss War and Peace, again / devour a bowl of our college era favourite, Condoleezza Rice & Beans.




Being a poor student, you have to get creative with your meals if you want to eat well. I had just come off a stint coaching the Jamaican bobsled team to victory – yes, I inspired Cool Runnings – when I connected with Condy, so I was very into creole flavours.

The rice and beans are brought together with the silkiness of the coconut milk and the sharp kick of spices. Condoleecious!




Condoleezza Rice & Beans
Serves: 2 pals, or 4-6 as a side.

400ml coconut milk
1 jalapeno, finely sliced
3 spring onions, sliced
2 tsp salt
1 tbsp creole spice (who doesn’t trust Emeril?)
4 garlic cloves, crushed
3 sprigs thyme, leaves removed
1½ cups brown rice, rinsed, drained
400g kidney beans, rinsed, drained
lime, quartered to garnish and taste

Place coconut milk in a large saucepan with a cup of water, the chilli, spring onions and salt, and bring to the boil.

Add the creole spice, garlic, thyme leaves, rice and kidney beans, cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes or until the rice is tender.

Remove from the heat, season with a whack of pepper and squeeze of lime and devour.

Or serve it with … well that is another catch-up for another time.


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Brian Austin Green Curry

Donna Martin graduates, Main, Vegetarian

Like David Silver, Brian Austin Green is an under-appreciated talent in the Hills. I mean, who else married Megan Fox slashed worked with the future Cersei Lannister (a character who I continue to argue is a product of the patriarchal society in which she lives/is a feminist icon)?

I first met Bri in the 80s when we both worked on Knot’s Landing and joined Nicolette Sheridan’s entourage of young, brunette male cheerleaders. I was working as a writer/fight choreographer at the time and I was blown away by his immense … talent.

Again, I don’t mean to gloat … but as you probably guessed, I also got Bri the job at Bev Hills. Realistically, I think I am going to have to sue the estate of Aaron Spelling for unpaid wages as I was single-handedly responsible for casting all of the teenagers!

As you should be aware, Bri has been going through quite the difficult time with separating from Meg Fox but thankfully they had some exciting news that we were able to celebrate (while he attempted to help me get Annelie’s memory back) – yes, I’m going to be godfather to another Austin Green Fox spawn!

FYI my obnoxious Instagram is coming – game on Swifty!

It was such an honour to once again be asked to provide spiritual and moral guidance to one of his children (Vanessa Marcil blocked me taking on the role to his first child). And what better way to celebrating an upcoming birth slash militant support, than a Brian Austin Green Curry?




I decided during my yogi dietician phase that vegetarianism was best for Bri – whether he is or not, I don’t care. Either way, whenever we catch-up I ensure that I’m serving up solely vegetarian meals to not let slip that I was strung out on bath salts during that phase of my life.

Thankfully this curry is so delicious, even a staunch meat eater (and who doesn’t love to eat some meat) would fall for its charms. The sweet pumpkin and coconut combination works perfectly with the kick of the curry, provided a delicate dish that hits all the right places. I know it goes without saying, but just like Bri!





Brian Austin Green Curry
Serves: 4.

1 tbsp coconut oil
300g firm tofu, drained and thickly sliced
270ml coconut milk
½ cup water
3 tbsp green curry paste
700g kent pumpkin, deseeded and cut into large pieces
250g beans, topped and halved
3 tbsp muscovado sugar
juice of a fresh lime
brown rice, to serve
fresh coriander leaves, to serve
roasted cashews, roughly chopped, to serve

Heat the oil in a large frying pan over medium heat. When as hot as the handle on the door when Kelly and misc D-character-to-horribly-disfigure got stuck in the bathroom during a fire at a house party, add the tofu and cook for a couple of minutes until golden. Remove to a plate.

Add the curry paste and the coconut milk, stirring, and cook for a minute or two. Add the pumpkin and the water and give a good stir to combine. Reduce the heat, cover and cook for about 10 minutes, or until the pumpkin is tender.

Stir through the beans and sugar, cover and cook for a further couple of minutes, until they are bright, crisp and perfectly cooked.

Remove from the heat and stir through the tofu and lime juice, season and allow to rest for a couple of minutes.

Serve on a bed of rice and garnish with coriander and cashews.


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Rumball Jenner

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Sweets

Although we are putting on a delicious Christmas spread for her, Kenny Jenner actually really owes us one.

Kendall, or Kenny as she goes by with her inner circle, had the honour of featuring on the Victoria’s Secret runway this year. Did she look amazing? Yes. Did she deserve the opportunity to strut her stuff? Totally. Would she have gotten there without us? No way!

You see, Victoria’s Secret had been positioning our nemesis Ariana Grande to take one of the esteemed runway spots this year. Ariana was invited to perform at the 2014 show as a primer for a walking gig in 2015 – a spot Kenny was desperately coveting. As we had insider goss, we came up with a plan so beautiful the likes of it hadn’t been seen since Fabio copped a goose to the face (also our doing).

You guessed it – we got that bitch wing-slapped. Let’s  be honest, no-one wants this face sauntering down the runway. Kenny was officially in for 2015!

While we haven’t decided how she can repay us just yet, it is the season of giving and it is high time to gift Kenny with our glorious presence again.




Rumball Jenner is the perfect Christmas snack to share with one of the ballsiest bitches around!




Rumball Jenner
Makes: 20.

250g marie biscuits
1 x 395g can sweetened condensed milk
4 tbsp unsweetened dutch cocoa
2 tbsp rum
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup coconut, divided in half

In a food processor, process marie biscuits until fine crumbs form. Add cocoa and half of coconut and pulse until just combined. Tip mixture into a large bowl.

Add rum, sweetened condensed milk and vanilla extract to dry mixture and stir until combined.

Roll heaped tablespoons of mixture into balls and roll in extra coconut. Refrigerate until firm.


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White Kristmas Jenner

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Snack, Sweets

While publicity whoring is something we clearly have in common with the Kardashian-Jenner klan, naturally our history goes back quite some way with mother hen, Kris.

Ben and I first met Kris when we were trying to start yet another ponzi scheme, this time involving somewhat controversial and unorthodox dieting methods. Kris was entering the mainstream after that whole O.J Simpson thing, looking to leverage her personal fame and attempting to launch her new identity, LudaKris.

Ben, LudaKris and I formed a magical business partnership fondly known as Jenny Kraig. Lose 10 pounds in 10 days? That’s LudaKris! Alas, it was ludicrous and we quickly went out of business.

Despite our early failures, LudaKris eventually decided to go sans-Luda and embrace the momager she was destined to be. What klassy treat can we share with our klassy pal?




White Kristmas is everything a festive treat should be – klassic, kolourful and full of kflavour.




White Kristmas
Serves: 16

1 cup shelled pistachios, finely chopped
1 cup dried cranberries
500g white chocolate
2 cups rice bubbles
1 cup shredded coconut
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Half fill a medium saucepan with water and place on medium heat. Line and grease a rectangular slice tray.

Combine pistachios, cranberries, rice bubbles and coconut in a large bowl.

Place a heatproof metal bowl over saucepan of simmering water. Add white chocolate to bowl and melt over gentle heat. Once just melted stir in vanilla.

Add chocolate and vanilla mixture to dry ingredients and stir until just combined. Pour into prepared pan and refrigerate until set.


As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.