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Shea Vindouleé

Main, RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars, RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars 7, TV, TV Recap

Previously on All Winners just after winning her first star in the ball alongside Trinity, Jaida pointed out that since she blocked Jinkx, now Monet was the only challenge winner who hadn’t been blocked. Which was quickly pointed out to be wrong, since she now also falls into that category. In any event, it didn’t matter to either of them as both Jinkx and The Vivienne absolutely dominated as they improved their way through Judge Judy-spoof, Fairytale Justice. Despite Raja once again delivering another strong performance and Yvie being a sexy Big Bad Wolf. After Jinkx and The Vivienne landed in the top two, The Viv demolished the lip sync and while it is unclear how much influence Jaida had, she blocked Monet.

Who was NOT happy about it.

Backstage The Viv was well and truly feeling her oats, thrilled to finally have her star turn, with all of her sisters thrilled for her to get a star. Yvie joked about poor Jinkx not landing her second star, with Jaida adorably singing an apology before Raja rightly called out Ru for not giving her a damn star yet. This was interrupted by the arrival of Monet who was completely irate about the fact that she was blocked though desperately trying to hide it. She then played into Shea’s lie that the platinum plunger comes with a little extra power and I live for the fact everyone is just playing along and adding to the paranoia. The Viv then explained that she only blocked her because she was next in line and well, the other person she wanted to block wasn’t eligible. Which put Jinkx on notice.

Oh and then Yvie got her wang out. Again.

The next day Jaida was jacked up on coffee, though not like Ru on the enema, before Ru arrived to announce that for this week’s maxi challenge the dolls would write an uplifting commencement address for queer graduates around the world. Oh and Carson and Nikki Glaser would be on hand to help them work through their set AND since Monet was blocked, she would be able to set the order. Adding to the fake-secret that the plunger comes with power. Oh and Ru was in a giving mood, so the winners of this week’s challenge would also receive TWO stars. One to keep and one to give to one of their sisters.

With that, the dolls were thrilled at the prospect of getting two stars as they split up to plan their sets. Yvie was going to lean into her fun side and hoped the judges would laugh along with her, while Jinkx and Raja were brainstorming their ideas. The latter of which was planning to play a mountain top cult leader and while Jinkx was loving the idea, she was worried about whether Raja would be able to turn it out. Trinity meanwhile was sewing away in the corner while Shea was struggling to focus given Jaida was living her best life with a xylophone and generally being loud. As the rest of the dolls were dishing out shade, Monet decided that she was going to work her blockage into a free star, first trying to be kind and asking everyone where they would like to go in the set. And then asking them to consider giving her a star if she followed through. Which she mostly did, giving herself the opening slot, followed by Shea, Trinity, Raja, Jaida, Yvie and Jinkx, while The Vivienne would close the show.

Monet was first to workshop with Nikki and Carson with them living for all her jokes and sass, though encouraging her to add a little bit of heart as well. Shea meanwhile was leaning into the fact she is beautiful, cool and perfect, with a fuck you to society for making her question it. The Viv meanwhile was going to shade her struggles with sobriety, Trinity was just going to have a tonne of fun mocking her struggles with learning growing up while Jinkx obviously delighted them with her set about getting run over in Amsterdam. Or getting a condom stuck inside herself. Then Jaida was just an absolute delight being completely silly and wild. Nikki and Carson meanwhile advised Yvie to add a few more jokes because her concept could be great. But only if she gets out of her head. And then Raja confused the shit out of them with them also advising her to add more funny, despite Raja feeling like it was perfect. Like a fucking icon.

Is this going to be a Katya’s Krisis Kontrol moment? I damn hope so.

Runway Day arrived with Jinkx succumbing to Jaida’s tajin shots while The Viv and Raja were fanging for some wine. As they started to beat their mugs Jinkx admitted that she just desperately wanted to beat The Vivienne, given they truly are each other’s biggest competition and she spends most of her time watching her, wishing she thought of whatever she was doing first. Oh and then everyone shaded Jaida for not being blocked yet.

Ru, Michelle and Carson were joined on the judges panel by Nikki Glaser as Monet opened the Draguation Ceremony looking stunning in pink and gold. And while she started slowly, losing her comb at the time she praised her Season 10 runways gave her the energy she needed that by the time she channelled James Earl Jones, I was sold. Shea was as stunning as always and slayed her performance, reading her sisters and praising herself for being popular. Trinity was absolutely hilarious as she joked about being unable to read her palm cards before she quickly leaned into the heart before pivoting back into silly fun comedy. And again, she is a star. Raja meanwhile stole the show from start to finish; weird, wacky and oh so fun. And yeah, this is a Katya moment and I am so glad she was smart enough to trust in herself. 

Jaida kicked off the second half with a bang, joking about being from Trump University and just being stupid and packed full of charm. Yvie stumbled onto stage and dropped all her cards in a hilarious bit and while her set wasn’t packed with laughs, it was full to the brim with heart. Sadly for her, she was then followed by Jinkx who once again gave a masterclass, having killer framing devices, hilarious jokes and was so smart with all the genuine emotional beats she added. And while The Viv also gave an absolute killer performance, complete with a face plant finish, coming after Jinkx was always a hard act to follow.

On the Veiled It runway, Monet was stunning in an hourglass baby blue bird in a cage number. Shea was a mash of bright pleated fabric and looked stunning and Trinity was perfect in a red widow slash wedding gown. Raja meanwhile stole the show as a literal covergirl while Jaida was the sexiest black widow known to man before Yvie was bright, beaded perfection. Jinkx looked gorgeous dripping in lavender and butterflies, while The Vivienne gave S&M shimmering stunner, complete with ball gag.

The judges loved everything Monet did this week, particularly for serving glamour on the runway. Shea was praised for her zen vibe and giving complete perfection on the runway. Trinity was praised for showing her heart and having fun, and more importantly, for looking glorious doing it. Raja was praised for landing everything weird and wonderful and for serving something different and intellectual on the runway. Jaida was praised for being fun and charming and for the sexiness she brought to the runway while the judges loved Yvie’s look and her pratfalls. Jinkx once again received universal praise for each and every thing she did this week, with Ru even jumping on the joke and suggesting she was the one that ran her over. While they lived for The Viv’s commitment in the challenge and the sex she brought to the runway. Before the dolls went to Untuck, Nancy Pelosi dropped by to thank the queens for all that they do and ugh, I live for Queen Nancy. With Raja thanking her for her shady clap which has become a masterclass in shade.

Backstage Yvie once again received praise from her sisters for her runway and all the details she added to it. Trinity meanwhile was busy making narratives for everyone’s looks, before Shea turned her attention to Raja and how much she killed the challenge. And completely leant into her own brand of humour and ugh, I love to see everyone living for her. The Vivienne praised everyone for sticking to their brand and shaded Monet for giving her the perfect spot to shine. We then got a flashback to when the girls were getting ready, talking about who would deliver their dream commencement speech. Raja then spoke about graduating in ‘92 and hot damn, again, I want to age like Raja as she is perfect. She opened up about how difficult it was in High School at the time while The Vivienne opened up that yes, they have High School in England and honestly, she lived her best life as a queer kid in private school. And then Jinkx gave all the heart talking about how privileged she felt growing up in a queer friendly environment like America. Comparatively. While Shea was inspired by TV to come out and literally exploded her way onto the social scene.

Oh and then Monet brought up Sum 41 as the dolls read her pussycat wig before Nikki dropped by to kiki with girls. And stop them from stealing the dress off her body.

Ultimately Jinkx and Raja took out victory and were told that they will be gifting their extra stars at the beginning of next week’s episode. But first, the lip sync for that little tip and well, it was stunning. In a fun, they are so cool kinda way. As soon as Lizzo’s Better in Color kicked off the girls were straight up living their best lives. Jinkx was serving stupid white lady dancing while Raja was just oh so cool. Ultimately though, it was Jinkx that took out another win and promptly blocked The Vivienne, because obviously.

Backstage Raja was thrilled to finally have a win for what should have been her fourth one and ugh, I love to see it for the icon. Trinity led the dolls in congratulating them on their win and while Jinkx was clearly the frontrunner, she did point out that someone else will have two stars this week when she gives one away. The Vivienne arrived and admitted that she was completely expecting to be blocked by Jinkx and while she explained she did it because Viv is a competitor, Viv was sure Jinkx was just doing it for good old fashioned revenge. Talk turned to who Jinkx and Raja would be giving their stars to, with Yvie trying to play on their emotions, while Trinity reminded them that she was very helpful when it came to design challenges and the dolls best remember it. And Jaida wanted people to give her a star for her perfect nipples. Which is an argument I can get behind.

The next day the dolls returned to the Werk Room where Trinity was ready to be given a star, while Raja was just thrilled to be in the star club. And once Ru arrived, everyone was in said club as Raja gave hers to sweet Yvie. While Jinkx gave hers to Jaida, proving that nipples can get you everything. With that out of the way, Ru announced that for this week’s Maxi Challenge the dolls would be serving ‘00s realness for this season’s girl groups challenge, in throwback appearances on TRL. Ideally without Carson Daly. One group would be performing the love song 2getha 4eva and the other would get Titanic, the ultimate break-up anthem. As usual they would be writing their own verses, recording the tune and then performing live on the mainstage. Oh and Ru said they could pick teams however they want, so they just drew a line in the middle of the room and ran with it.

As they sat down to listen to the tunes Yvie was feeling confident in getting a shining moment, while Trinity was triggered by the fact Justin Timberlake would never love her. As everyone tried to select songs, The Vivienne pointed out that she wasn’t thrilled about people selecting their team and then leaving the dregs together. And while Jinkx suggested they all just pick the song they like best and fight it out if that doesn’t leave equal teams, The Viv ending up relenting and sticking with the original groups. And girl, it is tense. And you know she is going to fight.

The dolls split up to work on their songs, with team Monet, Shea, Trinity and Raja forming M.S.T.R. and planned to position their performance about losing the E of their group M.S.T.R.E. The other girls meanwhile leant into their status as the leftovers, calling themselves The Other Girls and planned to frame their band as all the girls that were kicked out of girl groups and were going to be camp and fucking stupid and ugh, I love it.

M.S.T.R. were up first recording their song Titanic, with Raja admitting she hopes nobody wants her to explain Y2K since she partied through the era while the rest of the girls were at school. Monet was planning to channel Britney, Trinity was working through her passion for JT while Raja wanted to sound young. Shea meanwhile was rapping and living her best life and I love it. When The Other Girls took the mic they were totally bonkers and ugh, I love it. Like Jaida’s rap involved fart sounds and Yvie was doing dial-up modem sounds and it was just delightful.

The teams came together for a quick dance battle as they returned to choreograph their performances with The Other Girls continuing to be fun and bonkers. And while they wanted to intimidate their rivals, they were mainly confused about what was going on. M.S.T.R. meanwhile had varying degrees of skills, with Monet and Shea living their best lives, while Trinity and Raja both would have preferred if they showed off sexy, stripping.

Runway Day arrived with both groups ready to slay, with The Other Girls continuing to be wild and ready to be silly, while Raja led her team in some yoga. Everyone split up to get ready with Shea and Trinity talking about being proud of how far they’ve all come before Shea opened up about worrying that she was blending into the back of the group. As everyone beat their mugs, Trinity joked about being annoyed by Jinkx for giving a star to Jaida over her, with Jinkx admitting she was debating between the two of them, not saying she was avoiding Trinity as she is more likely to score more stars. Monet reminded Viv that she was blocked before Jinkx awkwardly pointed out that she would have made a different decision if she knew they’d be in a group together. Oh and Raja encouraged her sisters to look like Michelle Visage in her Season 3 era on stage.

Ru, Michelle and Ross were joined by Tove Lo on the judges panel as Ross dressed as Carson Gayly as M.S.T.R. debuted their song Titanic and well, it was a bop. Monet was perfect, Trinity was manic and fun, Shea was sexy perfection and Raja was perfect, like Paris in the Stars are Blind era. In the best way possible. Then The Other Girls arrived and it was completely ridiculous in all the right ways, Viv was self-deprecating, Jaida was just stupid, Jinkx was fun holding on to her youth and Yvie was all fire from start to finish. As a malfunctioning robot.

Then, on the runway we’ve all been waiting for, Monet kicked off The Night of 1000 Dolly Parton’s runway serving glamour in the coat of many colours gown. Trinity was perfect in a shimmering yellow number, Shea served biker Dolly in the best way possible, Raja was iconic in silver as she played her nails down the runway, The Viv was eerily accurate in a stunning blue number while Jaida was the personification of Dolly and I love it. Jinkx meanwhile gave ‘80s fun and ugh, I loved it too. While Yvie was manic and having the absolute best time.

The judges lived for everything Monet served this week, particularly for how she served something unique on the runway. Trinity was praised for such a likeness on the runway and being silly in the performance, Shea was praised for being smart, fun and full of glamour. And for also doing something special on the runway. They loved Raja for being the worst dancer in the group and living the best life, while she was beloved for having far and away the best runway. The Vivienne received glowing praise for being hilariously stereotypical and for literally inhabiting Dolly on the runway. Jaida was praised for being so silly and fun, in the performance and on the runway. The judges loved Jinkx’s old lady and for her simplistic Dolly runway, while Yvie’s robot was iconic and everyone loved everything she did this week.

Backstage the dolls were living their best lives as Raja opened up about how much Dolly means to her, with Monet admitting she didn’t even know about Dollywood. That being said, she loves her as the dolls spoke about how iconic she is. As she deserves. Jaida continued the love, talking about how great her team worked with everyone agreeing they knocked it out of the park. And had so much fun doing it. Talk turned to who they think will be in the top with everyone agreeing that The Viv will be in the top alongside either Monet or Yvie. Though not that it means anything to Viv since she is blocked. Raja then led the girls in a communal scream – as Monet pretended to participate – before Tove Lo joined them and looked to be having the time of her life as she gushed over all of them. As everyone got ready to return to the mainstage, Trinity took some time to heap Monet with praise and remind her how proud she is to be her twinner and ugh, it truly was beautiful. As was Jinkx awkwardly strumming the ukulele at the end.

Ultimately it was The Vivienne and Yvie that found themselves in the top two, lip syncing to my absolute favourite Dolly Parton number, Why’d You Come in Here Looking Like That. And well, it was just as iconic as I want for that song. Yvie was camp, silly and absolutely killed it, but shit, The Vivienne was absolutely amazing as she gave every single Dolly-ism and well, was perfect. Stunning. I love her so much. Someone that may not love her however was the Jinkx as after she took out the win, she immediately returned serve and blocked her teammate.

Since everyone has taken out a win now, I quickly ran the numbers and was shocked to find that Shea was next for a date. As per the last alphabetically, ranked by wins rule which is SUPER easy to follow. After I quickly yanked her aside while they reset the Werk Room, I pulled her in for a hug and reminded her how much of a star she is. And while she didn’t take out the win this week, she was just like Beyonce. And since she knows we’re dear friends, that meant a lot to her. As such, I gave her a quick pep talk for the second half of the competition and fed her soul with a nice, warming Shea Vindouleé.

There is nothing better than a vindaloo! Smooth and earthy, yet packing a wicked heat to it, it can wake you up, warm your heart and clear out your nostrils – which is good with flurona rolling around – all while tasting delicious.

Enjoy!

Shea Vindouleé
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
8 dried kashmiri chilies, stemmed, seeded and soaked in boiling water for five minutes, liquid reserved
2 onions, sliced
6 garlic cloves
1 tbsp minced ginger
1 tsp paprika
2 tsp cumin
½ tsp pepper
2 tsp malt vinegar
3 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tbsp chilli flakes
½ tsp ground coriander seeds
1 tsp kashmiri chilli powder
1 tsp dried fenugreek leaves
½ tsp kosher salt
2 cups beef stock
800g tinned tomatoes
1 tbsp tomato paste
1 tsp tamarind paste
1 tsp muscovado sugar
500g diced lamb
rice, to serve

Method
Pop the hydrated chillies, half the onion, garlic, ginger, paprika, half the cumin, pepper and malt vinegar in a blender with half the vegetable oil and a couple of tablespoons of the chilli water. Blitz until a smooth paste forms, scraping down the sides and re-blitzing or adding more water may be required.

Place the remaining oil in a Dutch oven over medium heat and cook off the curry paste with the remaining onion, chilli flakes, coriander seeds, fenugreek and salt. Cook for about ten minutes, or until nice and fragrant. Stir in the stock, tinned tomatoes, tomato paste, tamarind paste and muscovado sugar and cook for a further five minutes. Fold in the lamb, bring to the boil and reduce to a simmer and cook for half an hour or until the meat is nice, tender and reduced. And you know, cooked through.

Serve with freshly cooked rice and devour, gloriously.


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Steve Mankhouw Chicken Curry

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2018), Main, Poultry, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the Contenders got off to a rough start, with Jenna getting injured in the first challenge and Steve K’s paranoia rendering him a social pariah. That is until Matt killed his game at the first tribal and Steve K got his kit off with the zaddy club and won his way into my heart. Sadly for them and the future of glorious man nudity, a burgeoning all women alliance was forming at the Contenders and could strip me of my joy, one bun at a time. Despite nailing the reward challenges, the Champions struggled in immunity challenges, sending them to tribal back-to-back. With Russell out of the way as an easy target, Jackie and Damien tried to rally their troops with war hero and seeming delight Damien booted from the game.

We opened up at the Contenders camp where Shonee, Anita and Fenella were hunting for pawpaws, with Fenella continuing her relatability streak by complaining about the bush. Meanwhile out on the shore Steve K and Robbie were having a clothed bonding session doing some tai chi and/or martial arts. Me know sports, no? Steve shared that he is the ultimate puppet master of his tribe, working on making connections with the bro alliance to save himself before making a crab trap with Zach. Hot damn, I love Stev … wait, no, playing too hard. He spent his time bonding with Zach to broach the idea of taking out the women, despite being down in the numbers. Zach at least realised they were down in the numbers and needed to take them out if they were going to fight down gender lines.

Meanwhile over at the Champions Mat was lamenting their string of losses and having to vote out Damien. Thankfully it woke him up a bit, making him realise that he needed to play the game. This lead him to Moana, who was more than keen to align with him and further her budding kingdom. To solidify their alliance, she not only told him about her hidden immunity idol but asked him to hold onto it for her. Why do I have a feeling this isn’t going to end well for her?

Before my bad feelings could come to fruition, Jonathan returned for the reward challenge where one member from each tribe would cling to a long, hard pole for dear life – aka my life – while two people from the opposing tribe work to pull them off and drag them to their mat. Given it was for a vanity and toothbrushes, both tribes were all in. Off topic: how good is brushing your teeth? Heath and Brian were first on the pole, while Sam, Mat, Robbie and Zach worked to extract them. Robbie and Zach made quick work getting Brian off … the pole, dragging him towards the mat – and victory – while Mat and Sam had an on-off dance with Heath and the pole.

Next up Jackie and Paige tried to hold off Fenella, Jenna, Sharn and Moana. While Sharn and Moana got out to an early lead, Paige put up a hell of a fight, flailing about before they ultimately scored the point. Heath and Steve W jumped on the pole for round three, with Benji, Robbie, Brian and Mat working to rip them off. While both groups quickly got their men off, Steve W and Heath put up a hell of a fight before out of nowhere, Robbie got a second wind and dragged Steve W – and Benji, who was hugging him – over the mat for another point. Next up Shonee and Lydia jumped on the pole, with Shane – with an assist from Monika – dominating Shonee and tying things up.

Match point featured Jenna and Jackie on the pole, with Lydia, Moana, Paige and Fenella working to rip them off. While Lydia and Moana got out to an early lead, Jenna started screaming in pain while Lydia tried to drag her away. This saw the challenge stopped with the medic called in, telling her to sit out of the challenge and leaving them to reset. Given they reset with Paige and Lydia on the poles and Moana, Sharn, Anita and Fenella dragging, it was no surprise that the champions won their third reward in a row.

Back at the Contenders, everyone was concerned about Jenna’s injury given she is good in challenges and brings up morale. The medic advised her that she should leave the game to avoid doing any further ligament damage, making her think about home, her daughter and all the reasons while she can’t bring herself to quit and will keep on fighting.

Things were far sunnier at the Champions tribe where they were thoroughly enjoying brushing their teeth, ogling themselves in the mirror and in Brian’s case, making sure his brows haven’t challenged the Spice Girls and done an old two becomes one job. With everyone distracted, Moana, Sharn and Mat got together to solidify their alliance, making me concerned that she is becoming way too confident.

At the Contenders tribe the gender divide continued to widen, as the boys all bro-ed it up and Zach’s confidence started to rub Queen Shonee the wrong way. She vowed that the boys needed to go one after the other however was concerned about losing the strength, so instead of going for Zach planned to target Steve K. While they weren’t sure whether Paige would be with them, Shonee, Fenella and Anita were convinced that they’d be able to swing Heath and Jenna to the side to make up the numbers and take control of the game. Did I mention Shonee is a queen?

JoJo returned to lord over the immunity challenge where the tribes were required to chop through a rope to make their big balls drop before lugging said balls through some obstacle, stringing it back up over a pole and swinging it into targets. The Champions got out to an early lead, however the Contenders were able to overtake on the wall obstacle as Jackie struggled to pull herself over. Sadly for them the lead didn’t last long as the Contenders couldn’t undo a knot, allowing the Champions to snatch back the lead. When it came to lobbing the rope over the final pole, the Contenders managed to take their lead back with Heath and Steve K knocking out a target before even Mat got the rope over. Once again, the Champions caught up – thanks to Steve W coaching Mat through the rope – and snatched victory, with the Contenders struggling to knock out their final target.

Back at camp Zach congratulated everyone for working hard in the challenge, despite being thrilled he can take out one of the women. Speaking of whom, the girls were hanging out by the shore to lock in their vote for Steve K and while everyone said they were keen to get rid of him, Paige wanted to check in with the boys and see what they were thinking. Paige went for a chat with the boys and shared that she was actually aligned with Robbie, Zach, Benji, Heath, Jenna and Tegan. They all agreed that Shonee was the actual target, split up and the boys locked in their actual target as Paige. Confused Tegan, Jenna and Heath disappeared to discuss the pros and cons of taking out Steve K or Paige, with them appearing to favour the idea of taking out Steve K with the Fenella, Shonee and Anita trio. Over the afternoon Zach grew more confident in his numbers and their impending blindside – the biggest ever done, in Steve’s word *coughs* still waiting for Sue’s big move *coughs* – which TBH left me fairly certain that tribal is a formality and Steve K is tragically exiting tonight.

At tribal council Jonathan quickly addressed the gender divide on the tribe, which Fenella quickly tried to deny saying she would happily drink a beer with the boys. Benji and Jenna continued to deflect JoJo’s questioning, before Rob admitted that there is definitely a majority  within the tribe. Tegan played it coy, saying she hoped she was part of it and would be voting with who she spoke to, allaying both sides fears. Steve and Benji spoke about trust and joked about their male intuition, much to the disgust of the females on the tribe and me on the couch. Zach and Steve admitted there were feeling confident about how the vote would play out, while Heath, Tegan and Jenna’s smirks seemed like that was not the case. As predicted, the votes rolled in and Steve K and the nudist club were shocked to discover they had been planned and Steve K found himself out of the game as the fourth boot.

Given my passionate love of Uber Eats – nope, not a paid endorsement … but they easily could pay me –  I’ve become quite a dear friend of Steve K as he delivers my shame foods around to the backdoor – surprisingly not a euphemism – so no one can judge me/assume I am a professional eater. I oft worry about how hard he has to work, carrying kilos of brisket, burgers and fries to me on the hour, so I always make sure I tip him in gallons of delicious Steve Mankhouw Chicken Curry.

 

 

Back when I was even more basic white boy – can you believe? – a very mild mango chicken curry was as far as me and my colon were willing to push Indian. Oh, how the times have changed! Thankfully this version has ever so slightly grown with me, adding a light kick of chilli to the sweet mango and tomato sauce leaving the tender chicken bathed in, well, glory.

Enjoy!

 

 

Steve Mankhouw Chicken Curry
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
3 onions, two whole and one diced
6 garlic cloves, minced
2 red chillies
2 tsp chilli powder
2 tsp ground fennel seeds
1 tsp coriander ground
1 tsp garam masala
¼ cup natural yogurt
500 g chicken thighs diced
olive oil
6 cardamom pods
2 cinnamon sticks
400g can diced tomatoes
2 tbsp tomato paste
270ml coconut cream
500g mango, pureed
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Place the whole onions, half the garlic, the chillies, chilli powder, ground fennel, coriander and garam masala in a food processor and blitz until well combined. Add the natural yoghurt and blitz for a further minute. Transfer to a large bowl, stir through the diced chicken and transfer to the fridge to marinate for a couple of hours.

When the chicken is ready to go, heat a lug of oil in a large pan over high heat and cook the cardamom and cinnamon until nice and fragrant. Add the remaining onion and garlic and cook for a couple of minutes, or until soft.

Reduce heat to medium and add the chicken and marinade and cook for about five minutes. Once your kitchen is hella fragrant, add the tomatoes, tomato paste and coconut cream and bring to a rollicking boil, before reducing to a simmer, adding the mango puree and cooking, stirring occasionally, for about half an hour by which time it should be thick and spicy.

Serve piping hot on a bed of rice and with a massive pile of naans and papadums for ease of devouring.

 

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Kylarizo Colemanchego Quesadillas

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Main, Snack, Street Food

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, 15 girls moved into Model Manor in the Hollywood Hills with the hope of following in India Gants’ footsteps and becoming America’s Next Top Model. One by one the girls went home, starting with Maggie and followed by Ivana, Liz, Rhiyan, Coura, Liberty, Christina, Sandra, Brendi K, Erin and Rio.

After once again being saved from getting the chop, Jeana remained in the final four who were then tasked with going to casting with the dastardly Philipp Plein. Despite surviving the casting relatively unscathed – compared to Khrystyana who he likened to a horse and forced to have an emotional breakdown – poor Shanice arrived at the Paper shoot to discover that based on her performance, the judges would be eliminating her immediately.

The girls shon to various degrees during the shoot, progressing to the final runway where poor Khrystyana couldn’t get out of her head. She was better off than the girl that was partnered with Jeana, however, who was abandoned at the end of the runway. In any event, Khrystyana was tragically felled in third – like the robbed-Goddess Shangela before her – and after a brief reading from the judges Jeana was handed the runners-up crown and Kyla proved that nice gals don’t finish last, snatching the title of America’s Next Top Model.

Like Tyra and the judges, Kyla grew on me week after week as she grew, blossomed and routinely stood up for herself against the tyranny of Rio and Jeana. While Khrystyana was obviously my favourite, Kyla hit her stride at exactly the right time, killing the Pantene and Paper shoots which is essentially a ticket to victory. That alone is worthy of a delightful Kylarizo Colemanchego Quesadillas.

 

 

Hot and spicy, deliciously smokey and packing the punch of manchego, these quesadillas are almost as light, sweet and vivacious – not that one – as the new queen that is Kyla.

Enjoy!

 

 

Kylarizo Colemanchego Quesadillas
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
250g hot chorizo sausage, cut into discs
1 onion, thinly sliced
4 garlic cloves, crushed
1 cup mushrooms, sliced
300g manchego cheese, grated
12 tortillas
olive oil, for brushin’

Method
Heat a skillet over high heat and cook the chorizos for a minute or two, or until the oil has started to leak out and your kitchen is hella fragrant. Reduce heat to medium-low and add the onion and garlic and cook for a couple of minutes. Add the mushrooms and cook until soft. Remove from heat and allow to cool.

To assemble, place a tortilla on a workspace, sprinkle with cheese, top with the meaty, oniony, mushrooms and top with another sprinkle of cheese before placing another tortilla on top. Repeat the process until you’re out of tortillas.

Bring a clean, dry skillet to heat over a medium heat. Once scorching, brush with some olive oil and fry a quesadilla for a couple of minutes, or until browned and crisp. Flip and cook for a further couple of minutes. Repeat the process until done.

Devour, immediately.

 

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Vecepia Baowery

Main, Poultry, Street Food, Survivor: Marquesas

Just like the queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 3, I’m about to be back, back, back, back, back again on a remote(ish) island in Fiji to cook-up some culinary commiserations for the 19 soon to be losers and 39 days, one sole survivor, of Survivor: Ghost Island. As has now become traditional, I am counting down to the premiere by spending time with past victors. And we’re kicking things off with one of my favourites – Vecepia Towery.

Now hold up – did I desperately want Kathy Vavrick-O’Brien to take out Marquesas? Without a doubt. But does that take away from the low-key brilliance that was Vecepia’s win, the likes of which we had never seen up until that point? No.

I mean, not even the kite flying challenge could diminish my love of the underrated Marquesas.

Not only did Vecepia land on the worst tribe in Survivor history at that point, but she overcame a three-seven disadvantage at the merge to lead (with Sean and Kathy, yes) the first ever shake-up in Survivor, rallying the minority to turn on the majority and overthrow the game. For that alone, you can’t count out Vecepia. Particularly when you take into account the journal she kept, that helped her snatch victory in the fallen comrades challenge.

Anyway, as you should probably have guessed by now, V is one of my dearest friends and I will defend her to the end of the earth. Knowing that, she was thrilled to answer my call and drop-by to honour the 36th season of the show … which Marquesas kind of set up to become what it is.

We laughed, we cried, we strategised about ways to get more people from early seasons brought back for returning player seasons and most importantly, we absolutely annihilated some four-weeks-to-go Vecepia Baowery.

 

 

I love me some bao buns. So, so, much. And these spicy little numbers do nothing to reduce said love. Spicy, sweet and a bun slathered in white creamy goodness? Perfection.

Enjoy!

 

 

Vecepia Baowery
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
5 garlic cloves, crushed
3cm piece ginger, sliced
3 star anise
1 cinnamon quill
1 tsp Sichuan peppercorns
2 long red chillies, chopped
½ cup Chinese rice wine
⅓ cup dark soy sauce
1L chicken stock
4 chicken thighs
½ cup rice flour
2 tsp Chinese five-spice
vegetable oil
8 buns and the cucumber from Bret LaBao Buns
½ red capsicum, thinly sliced
small handful of coriander leaves, to taste
kewpie mayo, to taste

Method
Prep your buns and cucumber as per Bretty’s recipe.

Place the garlic, ginger, star anise, cinnamon, peppercorns, chillies, rice wine, soy and stock in a saucepan over high heat. Bring to the boil, reducing heat to low when rollicking. Add the chicken and simmer for twenty minutes or so. Remove and allow to cool before cutting across the thigh into short 1 inch wide strips.

Combine the rice flour and five spice in a bowl and toss through the cooled pieces of chicken to coat. Place enough vegetable oil to fill a pot up to 1cm and place over a high heat. When shimmery and starting to get that weird dancing appearance, reduce heat to medium and add half the chicken, cooking for a couple of minutes – flipping once – until they’re gloriously crisp. Remove to a paper towel and repeat the process.

To assemble, spread open your buns, slather with some kewpie, top with cucumber, capsicum, chicken, more kewpie and some coriander. Devour immediately.

 

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Salt-n-Pepa Squid

Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Golden Little Pill, Main, Seafood, Snack

While Elts and I weren’t up for pushing it – sexually or the limits of our tenuous reconciliation – I didn’t let it get me down, knowing that my dear friends Salt-n-Pepa were joining me for day two of Grammy Gold.

As you could probably infer from my aggressive sexuality nature, I was heavily involved in writing Let’s Talk About Sex with the girls. Our friendship, however, goes much deeper than that having met in the mid-80s. From the early days, I knew the girls were destined for greatest and immediately tried to hitch my wagon to theirs.

While we lost contact after their disbanding – and by that, I berated Salt for quitting and we stopped talking – we recently reconnected after our second (and final) co-written song Shoop was used on the Deadpool soundtrack.

After watching the disturbingly sexy nude scene, I ran out of the cinema, picked up the phone and we’ve been on the road to renewed best-friendship ever since.

When it came time to organise my inaugural Grammy Gold, I knew that the gals had to be in attendance. Plus – why would I miss out on having my first duo recipe, featuring the first all female hip-hop group to go platinum as part of the first Gram-Go?

Exactly. Plus, Salt-n-Pepa Squid is delicious, even if you’re a seafood hater like me.

 

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Fun fact: this spicy delight is the reason for all of the girls success AND is where their names came from. We were hanging in my crib trying to re-name their band – everyone was getting hangry so I hauled arse to the kitchen, grabbed out some squid and asked what flavour the girls wanted.

Salt and pepper where the first words out of their respective mouths, became their nicknames, and this beautiful dish was born – enjoy!

Also yes, I am claiming to have completely invented salt and pepper squid … and post-its.

Oh – and FYI, Elts, Salt and Peps all agree that Beyonce / Lemonade is going to dominate.

 

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Salt-n-Pepa Squid
Serves: 8-10.

Ingredients
1 tbsp peppercorns
1 tsp chilli flakes
1 tsp chinese five-spice powder
2 tsp sea salt flakes
100g rice flour
lemon, zested and sliced into wedges to serve
10 small squid hoods, cleaned, quartered and scored
2 eggs, lightly beaten
vegetable oil, for frying

Method
Heat a small skillet over medium heat and add the peppercorns, chilli flakes, five-spice and salt and cook, stirring, for a couple of minutes or until fragrant. Remove from the heat and allow to cool slightly before transferring to a mortar and pestle, and bash out your unresolved sexual feelings from yesterday until the spices are a rough powder.

Combine half of the spices with the rice flour and lemon zest. Dip the squid in the eggs and toss through the spice mixture. Repeat until done.

Heat a very generous lug of oil in a large frying pan. When nice and hot, cook the squid a couple at a time for a minute or two, or until crispy and curled. Transfer to paper towels and repeat the process until done. Toss with the remaining spice mixture and serve immediately, with lemon wedges.

 

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Chillijamin McKenzie

12 Days of Chrismukkah, Condiment, Dip, Sauce, Sweets

Can you believe we almost survived 2016 – huzzahs all round! While the year has been the absolute pits, I’m still hoping to salvage it with the ultimate festive celebration with my he-bros, gals and gentiles of The O.C.

Given my close relationship with the cast, I’ve had many a sleepless night over the last few weeks, trying to perfect my Chrismukkah catch-up schedule that a) won’t offend anyone – you know that Tate can be a bit of a diva – is b) festively appropriate and most importantly is c) culturally appropriate.

With those criteria in mind, there was only one person I could select to open up our 12 Days of Chrismukkah celebrations – the incomparable Ryan Atwood … aka Ben McKenzie ak-to me-a Benny Mac.

I’m an old family friend of the Schenkkans – oh FYI, McKenzie is totally his stage name – having worked with Ben’s grandfather and President Lyndon Johnson to pass the Public Broadcasting Act of 1967. While I had a falling out with Presi Jo after he discovered my many scandals and personal foibles, Ben’s grandfather took me in and raised me as his own … and I’m sure you can put it all together and see that Ben was named after me.

Anyway, my career and addictions took off and took me away from the family for an extended period of time but when we needed a brooding unknown to play the classic character Ryan Atwood, I knew that my pseudo-nephew and namesake was the only person capable of playing the part.

After Ben was done reenacting the scene when Ryan and Marissa meet with fans in my driveway – don’t tell him but those people that just happened to be waiting for us when we got back from the airport are fans that purchased an O.C. experience for an exorbitant amount of cash – Ben was thrilled to be able to relax, catch-up and celebrate the start of our festive fun by helping in my sweatshopkitchen to make a generous batch of an edible gift, in the form of my Chillijamin McKenzie.

 

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Like Ryan, the jam is deceptively sweet with a good kick of heat, spice and heart.

And obviously you want to drizzle him all over your meat … or cheese (but that is less smutty, unless … ).

 

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Chillijamin McKenzie
Makes: 1.5L.

Ingredients
lug of olive oil
1 onion, peeled and blitzed in a food processor
3 cloves garlic, blitzed in the aforementioned food processor with the onion
pinch of salt
150g fresh hot red chilli peppers, tips removed
150g capsicum, cored, deseeded and roughly chopped
1kg jam sugar
600ml cider vinegar

Method
Heat a small lug of olive oil in a small saucepan over low heat and cook the onion, garlic and salt for about ten minutes, or until fragrant, sweet and soft.

Place the chilli and capsicum in the food processor and blitz until they are finely chopped into delicate flecks. Or fleeks. This is totes on fleek – you girls keep me young!

Combine the sugar and vinegar in a large saucepan over low heat and cook, sans stirring, until dissolved. Add in the chillis, onion and garlic and stir to combine.

Turn the heat up to medium-high, bring to the boil and cook for about ten minutes with minimal stirring – less is better, but I won’t judge.

Take the pan off the heat  and allow to cool for half an hour, in which time sterilise some jars.

After the half hour the jam should have started to thicken and be suspending the flecks throughout the mixture. Decant into the jars, seal tightly and allow to cool.

Refrigerate after opening.

 

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Jalfleezi Carseldine

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Poultry, TV Recap

After booting El the night before, Kristie and Lee awoke on the final day to the customary breakfast feast where Kristie was giddy from excitement while Lee only seemed concerned. Maybe he realised that not wanting to play the game wasn’t actually the best strategy to win?

Not messing about or wanting to see Lee suffer in his thoughts, we arrived at final tribal council where the jury were trotted out to give us some excitement and bring the pain, right?

Oh yes, yes indeed! Well … kind of at least.

Before that though, Lee and Kristie were given the opportunity to make opening statements were Lee – of course – pledged loyalty, mateship and a moralistic game while an assertive Kristie emerged and completely dominated her opponent.

Then the good stuff happened well, after El was startled to be making a speech and then bumbled her way through an attempt to throw Kristie under the bus. Thankfully new Kristie wasn’t having a bar of it and shut her down.

Next it was Queen Flick’s turn to wonder why Kristie hadn’t made any big moves, to which she eloquently explained she was playing with the cards she was dealt and didn’t have the luxury to play in the majority and saw what happened when people stuck their necks out.

Brooke then teed up Lee dumping El – praise – before laying into Kristie for being controlled by Lee every step of the way. Obviously new Kristie wasn’t taking it and told her that she was using Lee by making him feel like he was in control.

JL – like us at home – then introduced herself to Kristie before absolutely tearing the ignorant and arrogant Lee – her words, obvs … since we’re boning – a new arsehole. While that would normally make me jealous, it was the most excitement I’ve seen on the show in weeks, so I let it slide.

Kylie then dropped by to remind us of that first episode winner’s edit and why it disappeared so quickly. I mean, seriously, you use your opportunity to tell them to keep answering questions?

Sam then dropped by to fill the non-fun angry juror quota, where he awkwardly confronted Lee for taking advantage of Kristie. Which is fine and all, if new Kristie hadn’t emerged at the start of final tribal and confirmed she was also using Lee.

Thankfully – or so I thought – Nick arrived to call them both out, asking where this Kristie had been the entire game, which had kind of already been answered, before slamming Lee’s morality … and making a bizarre casually homophobic comment from 2005, leading me to say forget you, go home, GOODBYE, you look weird cleanly shaven. Oh and eat yo’ damn rice.

Sue arrived and spoke for the audience, saying that Kristie’s game completely did her head in. Once again, new Kristie let Sue know that while her game ended her’s she went to twenty tribals, knowing who would go home every time.

Matt then tried to pull a rabbit out of his hat asking Kristie who he would be giving the money to – new or old Kristie – if she won his vote. Um, Matt – the ancient Samoan witch who will live on the island and never touch the money, duh. It is worth it.

With that, it was finally time to vote and given the fact that none of them really asked Lee any questions about his strategy, it is no surprise that Queen Kristie earnt her crown and took out the title of Sole Survivor.

Sadly for Lee, his kids were trotted out just in time to witness his loss – and I assume to let El meet her new step-kids – but thankfully it did distract him from the pain of losing the game he had never seen, in a landslide.

As I’ve made it quite clear throughout the season, Lee and I have been on-again, off-again lovers – block your ears Nick! – meeting at the cricket pitch when I answered a Craigslist ad for someone looking for someone to bat off and play with balls. While Lee hadn’t placed the ad, I was taken in by his banging bod and pursued him relentlessly until I eventually wore him down.

Wanting to distract from his loss and reinvigorate our spark in a tropical setting, I decided to whip him up our favourite date meal my Jalfleezi Carseldine.

 

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Like my dear Lee, this curry is super hot. Like, damn hot. Throw in some thick, juicy balls and you’ve got a mouthful of absolute goodness. Oh and I strongly recommend serving generously slathered with raita as it is hot and real adds the smutty visual you want when eating outwith Lee.

Enjoy!

 

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Jalfleezi Carseldine
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
¼ cup jalfrezi curry paste
⅓ cup frozen peas, defrosted and drained
2 tbsp fresh coriander leaves, chopped, plus extra to garnish
250g cauliflower, trimmed and blitzed in a food processor
2 shallots, thinly sliced
1 small carrot, grated
vegetable oil
1 onion, peeled, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, peeled, sliced
2 tsp ground ginger
3 tsp ground cumin
3 tsp ground coriander seeds
800g chopped tomatoes
small knob of butter, about a tablespoon
juice of one lemon
lime wedges, to serve
sliced red chillies, to serve
long grain rice, to serve
raita, to serve

Method
Place mince, curry paste, peas, coriander, cauliflower, shallots and carrot in a large bowl, season and mix well.

Shape into meatballs – roughly the size of golf balls – with wet hands, place on a lined baking sheet, cover and place in the fridge for an hour.

Heat a lug of oil in a large pan over medium heat and sweat the onion and garlic until translucent, aka a couple of minutes. Add all the spices and cook for a further minute to release the flavour. Add in the tinned tomatoes, rinsing the tins out with a bit of water and adding it to the pan. Give a good stir, turn the heat up to high and bring to the boil. Once boiling, reduce the heat to low, gently drop in the meatballs and simmer, covered, for about half an hour, stirring sporadically.

Uncover, stir through the butter and lemon juice and remove from the heat.

Serve on a generous bed of rice with lime, chilli, coriander and all the usual fixins’ – if only Jeff was here to say that – raita, pappadums, naan etc.

 

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Craig I’Anson-in-law Eggs

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Party Food, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, after Vavau lost yet another immunity challenge Kate and Craig flipped sending deadweight Andrew and his white male privilege / self-importance out of the game.

For once we opened up at Saanapu where, to be honest, I have no idea what was happening. Kylie wanted to sleep with the tribe, Matt got upset and I wish Probst was here to provide some smutty commentary. The next day we continued to buck tradition and continued with Saanapu where Matt explained that Kylie chucked a shit for trying to sleep in the shelter for the first time in 26 days. While I wouldn’t exactly call it a crime, she was playing the victim so I get why people were irritated.

Finally we caught up with Vavau after the triumphant outsing of King Douche where Conner was freaking out about Kate’s flip, despite it being a move that both she and Craig made. Thankfully they had a chat and Kate was able to smooth things over with the help of some – I assume – crocodile tears. Well played Kate. With that they reaffirmed that Phoebe was the target, while she reaffirmed that she’s playing hard to stay and would find a crack to get the numbers.

Phoebe and Kristie then took to playing with machete while Craig went searching for the non-existent idol, much to their delight. It felt a bit American Psycho of them, to be honest. After the casual gloating, Phoebe then started working on Conner to get him to spill to her if she was ever the target. What is with Conner falling for the girls’ stories?

Over on Saanapu Lee and Sam attempted to channel Rupert Boneham / Ozzy (althought less porn-y) with the Hawaiian sling … with the success of say, Cochran. Thankfully the girls turned the scene around by lecherously watching Lee fish before Matt slut-shamed Brooke and caused another rift in the tribe.

Call me crazy but Vavau may win a challenge tonight with this Saanapu shit? Also, is Nick alive or did I miss something?

And just like that JoJo puts in some face time at the immunity challenge, proving that Nick is still alive and giving me the chance to launch my celebrity psychic career.

With that, they started flicking balls at each other before working a pole while avoiding low-hanging, swinging sacks and lining up balls on a wall. Probst would have had a field day.

Sadly my psychic career ended as quickly as it began with Vavau losing the challenge and returning to their second favourite place, tribal council.

Back at camp Conner took responsibility for the loss, while Phoebe and Kristie got to work planning for tribal council and figuring out how best to play the idol. Conner then made a great decision and told Phoebe she was the target, making her job a whole lot easier. I mean, he is sure she doesn’t have the idol, so that’s cool! Kristie then gave a great performance lamenting the loss of Phoebe to Vavau, knowing that she and Phoebe had again pulled off the impossible.

They arrived at tribal without us knowing who Phoebe and Kristie were targeting, meaning their plan is guaranteed to work. Add to that the emotional music when Craig started talking and I’m starting to get worried for their only challenge asset.

After polling the tribe about whether they were confident they knew who would be going tonight  – to which they all agreed – they went to vote, Phoebe played her idol and Craig found his way to my warm embrace in loser lodge, surprising everyone.

His boot, not my lecherous hold obviously.

As we’re both from Australia’s largest small town, Brisbane, I’ve known Craig for years and have enjoyed a very close friendship despite his passion for Pokémon. Call me crazy, I’m far more interested in poking a man – given we share that interest, we were able to remain the best of friends despite … Pokémon.

Craig was heartbroken to find himself idoled out of the game but as a fan of the game, he was able to appreciate that his boot was special and his outsing would cause a national outrage. Wanting to cheer him up I got to work whipping up a batch of my Craig I’Anson-in-law Eggs.

 

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While these babies are – and to be honest, I think they are – from Thailand and I’m guessing Pokémon is Japanese, I thought these were throwing Craig enough of a bone to keep him happy.

Not that way sickos. Although these eggs are sticky, sweet, salty and spicy … so yep, enjoy!

 

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Craig I’Anson-in-law Eggs
Serves: 2 as a main with rice, 6-12 as yum cha.

Ingredients
6 eggs, at room temperature
½ cup vegetable oil, to fry
¼ cup shallots, thinly sliced on an angle
handful Thai basil leaves
handful coriander leaves
2 tbs fried shallots
1 long fresh red chilli, thinly sliced diagonally

Caramel
1 cup muscovado sugar, I have an aversion to palm oil and assume the sugar is just as bad
½ cup water
2 tbsp tamarind concentrate
1 tbsp tamari
1 stem lemongrass, bruised, cut into 5cm pieces
thumb piece of ginger, finely grated
1 tsp dried chilli flakes

Method

Boil the eggs in a saucepan of boiling water until soft boiled aka about 5 minutes. Drain and rinse under cold water for five minutes before peeling carefully and setting aside to rest on a paper towel.

Meanwhile, get cracking on the caramel by dissolving the sugar in the water over medium heat, obviously in a saucepan. Cook for a couple of minutes before adding the tamarind, tamari, lemongrass and ginger. Bring to a simmer, reduce heat to low and allow to boil away from about five minutes or until it starts to thicken. Remove from heat, stir in chilli flakes and keep warm.

Now start work on the eggs – I mean, seriously this feels like a lot of work but it isn’t – heat the oil in a wok over high heat and fry each for a few minutes until golden, crisp and delightful. Drain on paper towel and repeat until done.

Slice the eggs in half, scatter on a plate and drizzle with copious amounts of the caramel. Garnish with the shallots done two ways, the herbs and chilli before devouring with rice.

 

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Huevans Rancheros Jones

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Breakfast

Previously on Survivor, Des was grumpy and irritated his way out of hearts and the tribe, before Saanapu ended their reign and went to tribal where the intelligence officer lacked intel and became the first blindside/second boot of the season.

We opened up with the sad Saanapu’s and a burnt out fire, where Kween Kylie (trademark pending) was disappointed to be out of the loop after Pete – wanting to be the Osten Taylor of  – was kept in the game against his wishes.

Not to be outdone, Pete was also heartbroken to still be there but quoted Probst and said he would dig deep – queue Holly Hoffman redemption arc, hopefully, in two episodes time.

Aka Tuesday – talk about post-a-palooza this week.

Again, they opted to go with another of my Survivor wet dreams – the poisoned chalice idol clue which has led to the downfall of many – on the outs, Kylie and male-HH went with deceit, as did Aganoa, though they one-upped them by giving us the visual of a clue going into an underwear model’s jocks while Vavau also went with dishonesty but in a potentially intelligent manner, admitting there was a clue…but lying about it.

While nobody bought the poorly constructed rhyme that had Dr Seuss turning in his grave, I am sad I never came up with that option, to be honest. Well, if it had worked.

Let’s return to Rohan dropping the clue from his junk, which Mr G found without sniffing it for man musk, #epicfail. Despite the fizzle of the deceit, choices make drama so I’m still putting this down as a win.

Plus we found definitive proof that in the High School ecosystem that English teachers are better than drama teachers.

We returned to the Aganoa where Mr G ostracised El by showing her the junk clue, who they approached the mutineers straight away to discuss the issue. Being far more social, they easily won El back. At this point can we all just accept that drama teachers are really difficult people to deal with? Thanks.

At this point I also am concerned about the welfare of Kat and Kristie. Are they safe? Are they still in the game? Did I black out and miss a week in which they were booted back to back? BRING BACK MY GIRLS!

And just as it came to me, lil Jojo listened to my plea and gave a proof of life of Kat and Kristie at the reward challenge where Vavau dominated the competition and the missing girls returned to a camp without luxury. Will the Resort Report spokesmodel survive the indignity? Hopefully.

We quickly checked in with our victors where Craig sadly commenced his pride cometh before the fall edit. While I assume they are good tonight, I’d back them going to tribal tomorrow and that has nothing to do with the fact I was on location during filming so literally know the entire outcome.

Anywho, we returned to Saanapu where Kween Kylie felt she proved her worth before the most sickening – not in a good way – stretch of television focusing on a phallocentric object ever filled.

I mean, the pus in that sea cucumber? Foul.

Meanwhile in Aganoa – where Kat returned to the scene briefly to become this episode’s decoy boot before the immunity challenge where – despite a thrilling comeback – Aganoa were given their return papers to tribal council.

After a period of back and forth between Evan and Kat, Phoebe worked her way into my (now) dream final four by forming what I hope will become the Australian black widow brigade and sent Mr G to loser lodge.

I know I’ve been hard on Mr G but after meeting on opposing sides of the 2012 school spectacular challenge, friendship was never going to come easily for us. Thankfully I’m so kind and mature that I could still offer my frenemy a nice comforting Huevans Rancheros Jones to dull the pain of being the third boot.

 

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I oft speak of my love for food so spicy that my innards liquify and more importantly, I like a bit of spice to work through the copious amounts of alcohol I’ve been consuming in the crew villas. So obviously this delight really fits the bill by packing a punch – hot, spicy and all together soothing, it helps Evan work through his pain and me my burgeoning drinking problem. Enjoy!

 

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Huevans Rancheros Jones
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
200g dried chorizo, diced
1 onion, diced
1 yellow capsicum, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, minced
800g canned diced tomatoes
1 tbsp chopped chipotles in adobo
¼ cup coriander, roughly chopped
1 tsp salt
8 large eggs
8 tortillas
refried beans, obviously from a can as I didn’t have time to make any in my luxury digs
2 avocados, mashed
1 green chilli, sliced to garnish

Method
Heat a large frying pan over high heat and fry the chorizo for a few minutes. When the pan is full of beautifully smoky oil, add the onion, capsicum and garlic and fry for a further few minutes. Reduce the heat to medium, add the tomatoes and chipotles and bring to a simmer.

Crack the eggs into the tomato liquid, reduce heat to low, cover and simmer for 5-10 minutes or until the eggs are delicately poached.

While the eggs are cooking, heat the tortillas in the microwave, heat the refried beans in a small saucepan over low heat (or the microwave, whatever) and mash the avocados.

To serve, add a generous ladle of sauce with two eggs, top with beans, avocado, coriander and some chopped fresh chillis. To devour, scoop it all into a tortilla and revel in the spicy joy. You could add sour cream, which I always usually love, but wouldn’t you rather experience the full force of the heat?

 

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Tamale Cyrus

Main

Full disclosure, I forgot corn husks. Then I drowned the dough. Then I burnt my hands. Then I opted for a deconstructed ta … I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let me take you back – picture it, my kitchen, yesterday. My girl, staunch Vegemite fan Miley Cyrus, dropped by after requesting a catch-up.

Having played such an integral role in Annelie’s departure, Miles and I have been in close contact most of the year however she has been too scared to get too close to the scene of the crime. Thankfully Hiddleswift are in town stealing the limelight and showing their true colours, so Miles thought it was time to catch-up and make sure Annelie’s studying-medicine-to-cure-her-ailment was going well.

Miles dropped by after spending the day with Annelie and was disheartened by the fact that her selective amnesia seems here to stay … but was pleased that the silver lining is that she will be a doctor and will hopefully lack enough morals to give us an endless supply of pointless prescriptions and fraudulent medical certificates.

You win some, you lose some I guess.

Either way, we opted out of having a friendly cage fight and instead gabbed about our Hemsworths – he’s Thor? I’m so thor I can barely shi … nevermind – discussed our dear Dolly and reminisced about the wondrous time of our lives that was Hannah Montana (she is unaware I had an affair with Billy Ray while working on the set – don’t tell her).

As I alluded to up front, this week’s meal didn’t go to plan. I wanted something fun, spicy and comforting – not knowing how she’d take Annelie’s continued amnesia – so I went with her fave, my Tamale Cyrus.

Then my forgetfulness – do I also have amnesia – laziness and patience got in the way (read: I bought mince instead of pork butt and forgot corn husks to wrap them), resulting in a deconstructed Tamale Cyrus. But the thing is, I actually loved them!

 

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I mean sure, there is nothing better than wrapping your meat in some warm pillowy dough … but sometimes it is just as satisfying to slap it on top of said dough and slather it in your special sauces.

Enjoy – you know I did!

 

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Tamale Cyrus
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
Meat
vegetable oil
2 onions onion, finely chopped
6 cloves garlic, minced
1kg pork mince
¼ cup chili powder
2 tbsp salt
1 tbsp pepper
1 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp smoked paprika
2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp ground cumin
3 cups chicken stock
1 jalapeno pepper, minced (removed the seeds if you don’t like heat)

Corn(flat)bread
5 cups cornmeal
1 ½ tbsp salt
1 tbsp baking powder
200g unsalted butter
cooking broth

Method
Heat a lug of oil over medium heat in a large, deep pot and saute the onions and garlic for a couple of minutes. Add the meat, breaking up with a spoon as you go – if you accidentally buy mince, dems the breaks – and cook until lightly browned.

Add the spices and jalapeno and cook for a minute, to release the flavours. Then, add the stock, crank up the heat and bring to a boil. Once it is getting lively, reduce the heat to low and simmer for about an hour.

Once everything has literally simmered in its juices, remove from the heat and allow to cool slightly.

Preheat the oven to 180C.

Once cooled, strain off the liquid from the meat and leave the meat to rest while you cook the bread.

See why real pork would have been better than mince? Nigella once told me to embrace the failures though, so I’m making it work!

Anyway, combine the dry cornbread ingredients in a large bowl. Using your hands, rub through the butter until it resembles wet sand on a terrible beach with mega coarse sand. Once combined, gradually add the stock while stirring until the dough is thick and moist – how good is that word, moist, MOIST – but not wet. Trust your judgement, not mine.

Press the dough into a large baking sheet – like one you’d use for making cookies – until it is a smooth 5mm layer and bake for 10-20 minutes, or until golden and cooked but not to hard. Again, use your judgement – Miley and I were pretty wasted at this point so it may have taken anywhere from 5 minutes to 6 hours – you want it to be soft yet squishy, like a polenta chip.

Once it is what you would deem ready, carve the bread into squares, place one on your plate, top with your meat and then top with another piece of dough. Who doesn’t love their meat in a sandwich?

Then top with guac, sour cream and more chilli sauce if you need it. Or not … but who doesn’t love a special sauce?

Also, sorry – I won’t cook drunk again for a few weeks. Promise.

 

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