Novak Gnoccovich

Main, Pasta, Vegetarian

Oh my goodness, Novie is just the sweetest damn thing in the world.

He ran into my arms at the secret security exit of Brisbane Airport – the one made famous by Schapelle Corby, FYI – and said, “I’m so glad you invited me to appear on your anthropological study! I feel like time spent with you will be what pushes me to another grand slam victory.”

I mean, come on. That is adorable and brings a tear to my cold dead heart.

I’ve known Novak for years, meeting in 2005 at the Australian Open. As you know, I am well respected in the tennis community and I was on hand to offer unsolicited advice to people that lost their matches. To help them be better, you know?

While most people balked at my advice and labelled it useless, ill conceived and offensive, Novak appreciated my efforts and we became the best of friends. Well second-best of friends, because Rog.

Nov hasn’t had the best run at the last couple of Opens so was excited by the prospect of my magic touch helping him to glory and hand him the Male Singles record outright. And given how magical my Novak Gnoccovich is, I have a good feeling he’ll be taking out the win.

 

 

Earthy mushrooms and delicate gnocchi bathed in a rich creamy sauce … and THEN covered by a tonne of parmesan and cut by lemon juice. It is heaven. HEAVEN I tell you!

Enjoy!

 

 

Novak Gnoccovich
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
3 tbsp butter
500g mushrooms, sliced
2 tbsp flour
2 cups chicken stock
½ cup ricotta
1 lemon, zested and juiced
1 tbsp sage, roughly chopped
1 tbsp chilli flakes
500g fresh gnocchi
parmesan, to garnish

Method
Heat a tablespoon of butter in a large saucepan over medium heat. Once melted, add the mushrooms and cook stirring occasionally for ten minutes or so, or until the liquid has all absorbed. Add the remaining butter and flour and cook for a minute, or until it has lost its flouriness.

Remove from the heat and slowly stir through the chicken stock. Return to heat and bring to the boil, before reducing heat to low and simmering for ten minutes. Add the ricotta, lemon zest and juice, sage and chilli, and cook for a further five minutes.

At this point, cook the gnocchi as per the packet instructions or recipe. Once done, drain and add to the creamy sauce. Serve immediately and top with a generous handful of parmesan.

Devour!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Copping a serve

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

After spending time focusing on the celebrities of Hollywood with the Globes, I decided to pivot over to the sporting world – it is a new year after all – and catch up with one of my dearest friends Novak Djokovic.

Despite not competing in this year’s Brisbane International – at least I think – my second favourite male tennis player was thrilled to swing by on his way to the Australian Open and get some last minute coaching ahead of the grand slam.

Clearly he knows that I’m an ace in the hole!

What do I make that shows him my support, but still stays loyal to global treasure Fed?

Image source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Jalfleezi Carseldine

Australian Survivor, Main, Poultry, TV Recap

After booting El the night before, Kristie and Lee awoke on the final day to the customary breakfast feast where Kristie was giddy from excitement while Lee only seemed concerned. Maybe he realised that not wanting to play the game wasn’t actually the best strategy to win?

Not messing about or wanting to see Lee suffer in his thoughts, we arrived at final tribal council where the jury were trotted out to give us some excitement and bring the pain, right?

Oh yes, yes indeed! Well … kind of at least.

Before that though, Lee and Kristie were given the opportunity to make opening statements were Lee – of course – pledged loyalty, mateship and a moralistic game while an assertive Kristie emerged and completely dominated her opponent.

Then the good stuff happened well, after El was startled to be making a speech and then bumbled her way through an attempt to throw Kristie under the bus. Thankfully new Kristie wasn’t having a bar of it and shut her down.

Next it was Queen Flick’s turn to wonder why Kristie hadn’t made any big moves, to which she eloquently explained she was playing with the cards she was dealt and didn’t have the luxury to play in the majority and saw what happened when people stuck their necks out.

Brooke then teed up Lee dumping El – praise – before laying into Kristie for being controlled by Lee every step of the way. Obviously new Kristie wasn’t taking it and told her that she was using Lee by making him feel like he was in control.

JL – like us at home – then introduced herself to Kristie before absolutely tearing the ignorant and arrogant Lee – her words, obvs … since we’re boning – a new arsehole. While that would normally make me jealous, it was the most excitement I’ve seen on the show in weeks, so I let it slide.

Kylie then dropped by to remind us of that first episode winner’s edit and why it disappeared so quickly. I mean, seriously, you use your opportunity to tell them to keep answering questions?

Sam then dropped by to fill the non-fun angry juror quota, where he awkwardly confronted Lee for taking advantage of Kristie. Which is fine and all, if new Kristie hadn’t emerged at the start of final tribal and confirmed she was also using Lee.

Thankfully – or so I thought – Nick arrived to call them both out, asking where this Kristie had been the entire game, which had kind of already been answered, before slamming Lee’s morality … and making a bizarre casually homophobic comment from 2005, leading me to say forget you, go home, GOODBYE, you look weird cleanly shaven. Oh and eat yo’ damn rice.

Sue arrived and spoke for the audience, saying that Kristie’s game completely did her head in. Once again, new Kristie let Sue know that while her game ended her’s she went to twenty tribals, knowing who would go home every time.

Matt then tried to pull a rabbit out of his hat asking Kristie who he would be giving the money to – new or old Kristie – if she won his vote. Um, Matt – the ancient Samoan witch who will live on the island and never touch the money, duh. It is worth it.

With that, it was finally time to vote and given the fact that none of them really asked Lee any questions about his strategy, it is no surprise that Queen Kristie earnt her crown and took out the title of Sole Survivor.

Sadly for Lee, his kids were trotted out just in time to witness his loss – and I assume to let El meet her new step-kids – but thankfully it did distract him from the pain of losing the game he had never seen, in a landslide.

As I’ve made it quite clear throughout the season, Lee and I have been on-again, off-again lovers – block your ears Nick! – meeting at the cricket pitch when I answered a Craigslist ad for someone looking for someone to bat off and play with balls. While Lee hadn’t placed the ad, I was taken in by his banging bod and pursued him relentlessly until I eventually wore him down.

Wanting to distract from his loss and reinvigorate our spark in a tropical setting, I decided to whip him up our favourite date meal my Jalfleezi Carseldine.

 

jalfleezi-carseldine-1

 

Like my dear Lee, this curry is super hot. Like, damn hot. Throw in some thick, juicy balls and you’ve got a mouthful of absolute goodness. Oh and I strongly recommend serving generously slathered with raita as it is hot and real adds the smutty visual you want when eating outwith Lee.

Enjoy!

 

jalfleezi-carseldine-2

 

Jalfleezi Carseldine
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
¼ cup jalfrezi curry paste
⅓ cup frozen peas, defrosted and drained
2 tbsp fresh coriander leaves, chopped, plus extra to garnish
250g cauliflower, trimmed and blitzed in a food processor
2 shallots, thinly sliced
1 small carrot, grated
vegetable oil
1 onion, peeled, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, peeled, sliced
2 tsp ground ginger
3 tsp ground cumin
3 tsp ground coriander seeds
800g chopped tomatoes
small knob of butter, about a tablespoon
juice of one lemon
lime wedges, to serve
sliced red chillies, to serve
long grain rice, to serve
raita, to serve

Method
Place mince, curry paste, peas, coriander, cauliflower, shallots and carrot in a large bowl, season and mix well.

Shape into meatballs – roughly the size of golf balls – with wet hands, place on a lined baking sheet, cover and place in the fridge for an hour.

Heat a lug of oil in a large pan over medium heat and sweat the onion and garlic until translucent, aka a couple of minutes. Add all the spices and cook for a further minute to release the flavour. Add in the tinned tomatoes, rinsing the tins out with a bit of water and adding it to the pan. Give a good stir, turn the heat up to high and bring to the boil. Once boiling, reduce the heat to low, gently drop in the meatballs and simmer, covered, for about half an hour, stirring sporadically.

Uncover, stir through the butter and lemon juice and remove from the heat.

Serve on a generous bed of rice with lime, chilli, coriander and all the usual fixins’ – if only Jeff was here to say that – raita, pappadums, naan etc.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Bob Harpersimmon Jam

Condiment, Sauce

Have you all recovered from my culinary disaster the other day?

I was feeling very disappointed in myself after Miley went on her way – I mean, how often do I fail (the answer is never, FYI)? Not knowing what to do following my cooking cock-up, I decided to reach out (not around) to my dear friend Bob Harper to help me cheer up and have a culinary win.

And, who am I kidding, he will likely get my cock up, but that’s probably an overshare and you know I have more class than to say something crass like that.

Anyway, I first met Bob after bungling my way off the third season of Australian Biggest Loser. Taking a fellow trainwreck under her wing, Ajay reached out to the recently departed Bobby to see if he could train me privately.

And oh did he train me on that private ranch of his!

As the wise Michael Bolton once said, how can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? Which is proven – in a roundabout kind of way – by the fact our friendship quickly blossomed into a romance until the Feds tracked me down and had me deported.

While my chequered past ruined our romance, we have remained close friends ever since … even since he became a crossfit fan (Survivor Sally is the only person I want to see in knee socks, thank you).

I hadn’t caught up with Bob since his promotion taking over from (another dear friend) Alison Sweeney as the host of TBL, so it was great to hear his take on my frenemy Hatch and discuss his strategy for summer, swimmer selfies. Obviously I was very pushy about him saturating the market – you know I love a tall, pale, strawberry blond!

I always struggle feeding my fit friends, given their penchant for specialty diets, so instead of offering him the wrong thing and having to lie (no Linda McCartney, this is definitely not steak … relax – we’ve all been there, right?), I went with the safer option of my Bob Harpersimmon Jam.

 

bob-harpersimmon-jam-1

 

I mean sure, it is pretty much pure sugar … but there is fruit in there, so that counts for something.

And cinnamon is good for you too.

Plus, it is delicious. So enjoy, Bob did …

 

bob-harpersimmon-jam-2

 

Bob Harpersimmon Jam
Makes: 500ml.


Ingredients
500ml pulp of ripe persimmons
350g brown sugar
rind of a lemon and juice of ½ lemon
1 cinnamon quill
½ tsp nutmeg
100ml water
1 tsp vanilla extract

Method
Steralise a 500ml capacity jar – I just pour boiling water in a sink and let them sit in there for a bit. This is probably not correct but I don’t have kids so don’t care to learn about steralising bottles. I am yet to get the trots from this method, so I consider this a win?

Combine all the ingredients – except the vanilla – in a heavy bottomed saucepan and bring to the boil over high heat. Cook, stirring occasionally, for about 15 minutes, or until the jam has thickened slightly.

Remove from the heat, discard cinnamon quill, stir through the vanilla and cool for about 10 minutes.

Pour the jam into the steralised (depending on your definition of steralised) jars, seal tightly with the lid. Flip upside down and all to cool. Flip the jars back up, open the lids to release the air and then close them again. Store in a cool, dark dry place for a month … and then devour.

Obvs keep them refrigerated once open, you hear?

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Scot Pollartichoke Dip

Condiment, Dip, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

Previously on Survivor, Debbie added juror to her extensive resume while the under 70s boys created chaos / Tai went to the darkside. Thankfully in Survivor, pride comes before a fall and after an episode partly-lived in the boys’ fantasy land, proclaiming their maturity and greatness and the fact they are in control, Aubry and Cydney continued their domination (who has better voting records? Exactly) and sent poor Scot and his questionable tatts to the jury.

Aside from the boys continual cockiness, we also got to witness the emergence of the final storyline of the season at the reward challenge, that being the battle between Julia v Tai for the Colby Donaldson memorial challenge beast title, with JuJuSki dominating for love – outlasting Joe for an entire four seconds – and Tai winning an (albeit cursed) advantage, essentially making him Dara’s demi-God.

Sure neither of them went on to win immunity, that went to what’s-his-face (no seriously, what is he going by – Sarge, Jason or the other one?), but mark my words, this season will birth an unlikely challenge beast.

With old-mate winning immunity and in possession of a hidden immunity idol, the under-70-with-peens alliance felt even more unstoppable. I don’t know if he woke up from the darkness he was held under, or felt safe with his newly minted God status, but Tai went back to the good guys and nah bro’d Scot’s request for the idol and sent him sadly into the night.

Sadly for poor Scot, this isn’t the first time misplaced trust has gotten him into trouble. You see, I am actually the reason for the “hey kids, do drugs” video – realistically, this should not come as a surprise to anybody. I was on a bender at the time and assured Scot the camera was off, knowing that his sway as a pro athlete would bring me stacks of business in and around West Beverly High.

Literally high, I had hoped.

Despite his portrayal on the show, Scot is an absolute sweetheart and despite wanting to throttle him throughout his time on the show, I figured it was crazy hypocritical to hold a grudge given our history, so welcomed him to ponderosa with open arms … and a big bowl of my famed Scot Pollartichoke Dip.

 

scot-pollartichoke-dip-1

 

Surprisingly, Scot was in good spirits when he made his way to Ponderosa – maybe he learnt about being a good sport during his time in the NBA, despite my advice to always seek revenge. Shit, am I the one that encouraged his behaviour last episode?

Anyway, artichoke dip is literally the greatest thing to ever happen. No joke. Hot, creamy, rich and cheesy … it is everything I want from a man shot straight into my mouth.

Minds out of the gutter, it is awesome – enjoy!

 

scot-pollartichoke-dip-2

 

Scot Pollartichoke Dip
Serves: 1 booted b-baller and his terrible influence.

Ingredients
800g canned artichoke hearts, rinsed, drained, and roughly chopped
½ cup mayonnaise
¼ cup grated parmesan, plus extra for garnishing
1 tbsp fresh lemon juice
1 garlic clove, minced
4 shallots, thinly sliced
handful baby spinach, shredded
crudites, crackers or bread, for scooping

Method
Preheat oven to 220°C.

In a food processor, place half the artichokes, mayo, parmesan, lemon juice, and garlic, and process until smooth.

Add shallots and the remaining artichokes and give a little pulse, without going nuts, so you have some texture. Fold through spinach and place in a size appropriate baking dish (not Tai tiny or Scot giant), top with extra parmesan and bake until hot and golden. 30 minutes should suffice.

Garnish with shallots, if you can be bothered, before devouring and burning off the roof of your mouth. Maybe let it cool a bit first?

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Cinnamonica Seles Apples

Condiment, Side, Snack, Sweets

Straight up, I would like to dispel your knee-jerk assumptions from earlier in the week – I was not involved in the stabbing of Monica Seles … despite being a close friend of Steffi Graf. There is no proof, so don’t even try. I mean, the glove does not fit etc.

That being said, the tragically senseless and violent crime is what led to my first meeting with Monnie. You see, I was serving a community service term as a Candy Stripper (yes, stripper) in the German hospital where she was recuperating after the attack (I was drunk and disorderly at the same tournament the previous year as part of Steffi’s entourage, when I got into a premature fight with Brooke Shields).

Anyway, being a total sports fanatic I took Monnie under my wing and acted as her chief security and support. Plus, she also had great meds which I swapped out for placebos … thus her extended break to recover.

Despite the theft of the drugs being discovered (Monnie forgave me knowing I was an addict and supported me through rehab), we’ve been the closest of friends ever since, with me ghostwriting her memoir and advising her to make fantastic career choices like her forays into television with The Nanny and DWTS.

Monnie and I hadn’t seen each other in a couple of years so it was such a delight to catch up with her and participate in my personal favourite past-time, hitting tennis balls off the roof of my building at unsuspecting pedestrians below.

Let me just say, Mon still has it!

After such rigorous exercise, we were definitely in need of some simple sugars that we could pretend were healthy – enter my Cinnamonica Seles Apples.

 

cinnamonica-seles-apples-1

 

Cinnamon and sugar as quite possibly the greatest culinary combination, with apples and walnuts being a close second. Obviously when you chuck all the keys into a bowl at the kitchen swingers party and instead end up with a flavour orgy, things can’t go wrong.

Enjoy!

 

cinnamonica-seles-apples-2

 

Cinnamonica Seles Apples
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 royal gala apples
100g walnuts, chopped
1 lemon, juiced
2 tbsp butter
⅓ cup brown sugar
½ tsp ground cinnamon

Method
Core and thickly slice apples, leaving skin on. Toss in lemon juice.

Melt butter in a non-stick pan over a medium heat, add apples and walnuts. Cook, stirring until lightly golden, about 5 minutes.

Add brown sugar and cinnamon, cook until thickened, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat and cover to keep warm.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

The game of deuces to set my love match

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I’ve been so focused on Hollywood and my entertainment industry peers, that you would be forgiven for thinking that I am a one trick pony. But I’m not.

In addition to turning tricks, running scams and schemes and enjoying list on Hollywood’s A-List I am also a scholar, the brains behind all of Stephen Hawking’s works, a yogi, the Dalai Lama’s most trusted advisor, a political pundit often referred to as the democratic version of Stacey Dash but more so than anything else, I am an accomplished athlete and total sports nut.

Obviously my passion commenced as a locker-room fantasy akin to an all male version of Porky’s, but eventually I discovered I am quite the jock reaching dizzying heights of multiple sports. If there was a cent-athlon, I’d win … every time.

Given my love for overtly sexual sounds at inappropriate times, I have long been drawn to tennis … which Andy’s acclaimed turn in 7 Days in Hell reminded me. Wanting to reconnect with my roots (i’m not even touching that), I decided to give my dear friend Monica Seles a call to catch-up.

What says ahhhhh, eh, aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, humpf, ah, ergh?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.