Baked Camemburt Bacharach

Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Goldenade, Party Food, Side, Snack, Tapas, Vegetarian

I can’t believe that we’re already up to the second day of this year’s famed Grammy Gold celebration, Goldenade. No sooner had I returned the delorean to the garage after visiting Whits did my boy Burt Bacharach start knocking on my door. And after the pain of seeing my dearly departed Whit, what my world needed now (aka then) was love, sweet love.

Burt and I known each other for years and years after meeting in – and I think this is a record for this patch of cyberspace –  the nursery of the hospital in Kansas City, Missouri. Not to be confused with the hospital in Ebbing, Missouri. It’s near these billboards that inspired a movie … but anyway.

We’ve known each other from birth and after legal emancipating myself from my parents – they didn’t let me have ice cream one night – I moved to New York with the Bacharachs and as repayment, became Burt’s manager.

As I’m sure you would agree, he got quite a good deal.

Since I really like to put my guests through their paces AND the fact I stopped caring about Jazz again as soon as La La Land finished, I decided to run the odds for R&B with Burty. Cause when you think Burt, you think R&B. Anyway, we think this category will fall to a combination of Childish Gambino, Kehlani and Bruno Mars. Kehlani will take Best R&B Performance, Childish Gambino will take Best Traditional R&B Performance, R&B Song and Urban Contemporary Album, while Bruno Mars will take out Best R&B Album.

While there wasn’t much discussion or arguing about who the winners would be, we both felt extremely smug and like we worked hard … so I headed off to whip us up a Baked Camemburt Bacharach.



Deliciously goopy and with a punch of garlic and a whack of herbs, this little number is the perfect snack when you want to impress your guests whilst putting in the least amount of effort possible. I mean, stab, stuff, bake … and that is it.




Baked Camemburt Bacharach
Serves: 4-6.

200g camembert in a wooden box
3 garlic cloves, peeled and sliced
a couple of sprigs of fresh thyme
a sprig of rosemary
1 tbsp honey
1 ciabatta, thinly sliced and toasted

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Remove the camembert from the box and packaging. Line the box with some foil and a small piece of baking paper before returning it to the wooden box.

Cut a few slits over the top of the camembert and stuff with sliced garlic, thyme and rosemary. Drizzle with honey, scrunch the foil to close and place in the oven to bake for ten minutes, or until it is puffed and gooey.

Remove from the oven, open the foil and serve immediately … to devour with the toasted ciabatta.


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Sweet Potato Estelle Galetty

Side, Snack, Thankgiving for being a friend, Vegetarian

I know it is hard to pinpoint a more tragic death, particularly when it comes to your friends, but my dear, beautiful Estelle Getty’s was truly heartbreaking. I mean, I miss Bea and Rue just as much, but knowing that she truly suffered in her final years and couldn’t remember how wonderful she and The Golden Girls were will always break my heart.

After Bea and I circled back to the lot after catching-up yesterday it took all my strength not to break down in tears knowing what would happen in a couple of decades. We ran into each other’s arms and held each other close, silently acknowledging the deep love of our friendship.

“Pussycat!” Oh FYI, she used her pet name for me – pussycat – as her term of endearment for Dorothy on the show.

“Pussycat, I’ve missed you! How have you been? Why don’t you come visit me more? Are you well? Can I get you a part on the show? Do you want a snack?”

I’d known Estelle for a couple of years by 1987, having met while she starred in the Torch Song Trilogy which was written about me by my ex-Harves. Our bond was instant and while we never got to spend as much time with each other as we’d like, it always felt like only days between visits.

We drove to her L.A. home, laughing and catching up, despite the fact I knew exactly what she had and would be up to next. It was heartbreaking yet at the same time so wonderful to be able to spend time with her while she was still at her best. The only that made the date every better was chowing down on some Sweet Potato Estelle Galetty.



Potato bake is the side dish of champions. Be it normal or sweet, there is nothing better than perfectly roasted potatoes covered in dickloads of cheese and a punch of herbs.




Sweet Potato Estelle Galetty
Serves: 6.

olive oil
5 shallots, thinly sliced
500g sweet potatoes, peeled and thinly sliced
a few sprigs of fresh thyme, roughly chopped
a small stalk of rosemary leaves, roughly chopped
a pinch of freshly grated nutmeg
1 tsp chilli flakes
salt and pepper, to taste
⅔ cup freshly grated parmesan
200g goat’s cheese

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Place the potato, shallots and a lug of olive oil in a bowl with the thyme, rosemary, nutmeg and chilli. Toast to coat.

Smear – yes, smear – a lug of olive oil on the base and edges of a small baking dish.

Layer the potato on the base of the dish, slightly overlapping, moving from the outside in, until covered. Sprinkle over a quarter of each of the cheeses, followed by another layer … and a quarter of the cheeses and more potato until it is all gone. Finishing, obvi, with the cheese on top.

Place the galette in the oven and bake for about 45 minutes, covering with foil after half an hour if the top is getting to crispy.

Remove from the oven and allow to cool for ten minutes. Then devour, ferociously.


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Cinnamonica Seles Apples

Condiment, Side, Snack, Sweets

Straight up, I would like to dispel your knee-jerk assumptions from earlier in the week – I was not involved in the stabbing of Monica Seles … despite being a close friend of Steffi Graf. There is no proof, so don’t even try. I mean, the glove does not fit etc.

That being said, the tragically senseless and violent crime is what led to my first meeting with Monnie. You see, I was serving a community service term as a Candy Stripper (yes, stripper) in the German hospital where she was recuperating after the attack (I was drunk and disorderly at the same tournament the previous year as part of Steffi’s entourage, when I got into a premature fight with Brooke Shields).

Anyway, being a total sports fanatic I took Monnie under my wing and acted as her chief security and support. Plus, she also had great meds which I swapped out for placebos … thus her extended break to recover.

Despite the theft of the drugs being discovered (Monnie forgave me knowing I was an addict and supported me through rehab), we’ve been the closest of friends ever since, with me ghostwriting her memoir and advising her to make fantastic career choices like her forays into television with The Nanny and DWTS.

Monnie and I hadn’t seen each other in a couple of years so it was such a delight to catch up with her and participate in my personal favourite past-time, hitting tennis balls off the roof of my building at unsuspecting pedestrians below.

Let me just say, Mon still has it!

After such rigorous exercise, we were definitely in need of some simple sugars that we could pretend were healthy – enter my Cinnamonica Seles Apples.




Cinnamon and sugar as quite possibly the greatest culinary combination, with apples and walnuts being a close second. Obviously when you chuck all the keys into a bowl at the kitchen swingers party and instead end up with a flavour orgy, things can’t go wrong.





Cinnamonica Seles Apples
Serves: 4.

2 royal gala apples
100g walnuts, chopped
1 lemon, juiced
2 tbsp butter
⅓ cup brown sugar
½ tsp ground cinnamon

Core and thickly slice apples, leaving skin on. Toss in lemon juice.

Melt butter in a non-stick pan over a medium heat, add apples and walnuts. Cook, stirring until lightly golden, about 5 minutes.

Add brown sugar and cinnamon, cook until thickened, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat and cover to keep warm.


As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

The game of deuces to set my love match

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I’ve been so focused on Hollywood and my entertainment industry peers, that you would be forgiven for thinking that I am a one trick pony. But I’m not.

In addition to turning tricks, running scams and schemes and enjoying list on Hollywood’s A-List I am also a scholar, the brains behind all of Stephen Hawking’s works, a yogi, the Dalai Lama’s most trusted advisor, a political pundit often referred to as the democratic version of Stacey Dash but more so than anything else, I am an accomplished athlete and total sports nut.

Obviously my passion commenced as a locker-room fantasy akin to an all male version of Porky’s, but eventually I discovered I am quite the jock reaching dizzying heights of multiple sports. If there was a cent-athlon, I’d win … every time.

Given my love for overtly sexual sounds at inappropriate times, I have long been drawn to tennis … which Andy’s acclaimed turn in 7 Days in Hell reminded me. Wanting to reconnect with my roots (i’m not even touching that), I decided to give my dear friend Monica Seles a call to catch-up.

What says ahhhhh, eh, aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, humpf, ah, ergh?

Picture source: Unknown.


As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.


Condiment, Easter Meggstravaganza, Sauce

Step two is always a bit difficult, what with our friends not wanting to identify as a struggling musician. Did we not mention that was part of the ritual? Well it is.

Anyway, after much coercing (that briefly reunited us with our frenemy Michelle Pfeiffer) we were able to convince our dear friend Coolio that he was no longer really spending most if any of his life, living in a gangsta’s paradise and as such, he needed to help Meg reach redemption and hope she wants to help his re-ascent.

While Annelie was a close friend of Ice T growing up, I was a confidante and pseudo manager of Coolio and encouraged him to expand into film and television, helping him find employment on The Nanny and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and got him the gig/co-wrote the inspirational love theme of Dangerous Minds.

After my countless disappearances to prison and rehab, Coolio just kind of disappeared from the A-list but being the kind, warm man he is, he never held it against me.

He dropped by hoping to reconnect professionally and write the next It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp/Let It Go and eventually came around to helping us with Meg first before working on our Oscar winning song (I mean, we were always destined for one so why not give him that).

Plus, Coolio goes crazy for his condiments and the promise of our famous Coolaioli was enough to snag his help.




I love an aioli that smacks you in the face with garlic and this one doesn’t disappoint. Seriously, I have the bruise to prove it. Enjoy…and be careful!





1 clove garlic, peeled
1 tsp sea salt, plus more to season
freshly ground black pepper, to season
1 large egg yolk
1 tsp Dijon mustard
500-575ml olive oil
lemon juice, to taste

Smash up the garlic and salt in a pestle and mortar.

Place the egg yolk and mustard in a bowl and whisk together, then start to add your oils bit by bit (this is when you fall in love with your stand mixer all over again as your arm isn’t exhausted). Once you’ve blended in roughly half the oil, you can add the rest in a quicker, steady stream.

When the mixture thickens, add lemon juice. When the texture seems right (or all the oil is gone), add the garlic.

Season to taste and add more lemon juice if needed.

Benjamin Salisbury Steaks


Ladies and gentlemen, this week Annelie and I were dealt with a soul-crushingly abrupt plot twist!

Benjamin Salisbury has settled his feud with Shaughnessy.

I know! Sometimes life is hard to take, but sit down and let the shock wash over you.

At first, obviously, we acted like Lisa Rinna in Amsterdam and gave him a verbal beat down for showing up at the AB not C AGM to help us mend fences with Charles but after some Arianna approved meditation (that we learnt during a stint of court ordered anger management) and a wine, we were able to see the light and realise that moving on was maybe for the best.

(Our long running feud started back when we commenced working as slap-designers on Days of Our Lives in the late 80s. The role of young Shane Donovan came up for a series of flashbacks where Charles actively campaigned against me getting the role as I was too melodramatic and too into heroin).

Benjamin was such a sweetheart, sitting with us calmly over a meal of Benjamin Salisbury Steaks to help us through the hurt of the past and find a way to let go of the anger we had felt, and like that a relationship built on hate, finally became one of love and self improvement.


Benjamin Salisbury Steaks_1


While it may not win any awards for appearance or class, the dish is rich, comforting and has enough heat to give you a kick. In our case, in the right direction.

Now to call Charles, maybe Ben will mediate our meeting?



Benjamin Salisbury Steaks_2


Benjamin Salisbury Steaks
Serves: 4.

500g beef mince
40g French onion soup powder (yes, the packet stuff. Don’t judge)
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 egg
¼ tsp garlic salt
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
1 tbsp chives, finely chopped
2 tbsp sherry
¾ cup water
2 tsp sour cream
butter, for frying
extra chives, to garnish

In a large bowl combine mince, 1 ½ tbsp soup powder, soy, egg, garlic salt, cayenne and chives. Divide into four thick, equal patties and leave to sit  in the fridge for half an hour.

Blend remaining soup powder and sherry and leave to sit.

Heat the butter in a large frying pan and fry patties (which you’ve obviously taken out of the fridge) for roughly five minutes each side, depending on how well done you want them. This will make them medium. Anyway, once fried remove to a plate and keep warm.

Pour water into the still on pan to deglaze. Stir in the soup powder and sherry and bring to the boil until thick. Remove from heat and mix through the sour cream.

Serve the patties over some nice creamy mashed potatoes, generously drown in the sauce and garnish with chives.

Then devour and resent yourself for judging the appearance of the dish and the inclusion of powdered soup.

Style, flair and finally (t)here

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

You all know that we spent some time working with the flashy girl who worked in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens (where my feud with Shaughnessy commenced), but we never got into the details of our close, unshakeable bond with Benjamin “Brighton the Titan” Salisbury.

We first connected as a threesome (an albeit G rated one) when we joined Shaughnessy feud forces and founded The Nanny’s AB not C club, where anyone with a name starting with C was banned. While most people felt it was inappropriate and bullying, it kept us away from Charles and we didn’t care.

Ben is in town for the club’s AGM, where we spend the day drinking and bitching mercilessly about Chuck the fuck, so we decided to make a week of it and celebrate the 22 years of our friendship.

What says we may have been united by mutual loathing but your friendship over the last two decades has meant the world to us?

Shit, when did we get so sentimental? Mutual rage really bonds, I guess.

Picture source: Unknown.