Month: May 2016

Why can’t we be friends?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I’ve been very vocal about my hatred for Benedict Cumberbatch.

Very. Vocal.

Now I don’t want to get too far into our colourful history, but he worked with my frenemy Keira Knightley – multiple times – and took my role in 12 Years a Slave, but the final blow to our potential friendship was when he lent his name to a superior blog with superior recipes, a matter of weeks before our launch.

I mean, that Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch recipe is on point and My Name is Yeh is a beautiful blog that makes this little patch of cyberspace look even more amateurish … but how could he treat us with such disrespect?!

A vicious war was raged on our end and I vowed to end Benedict, rather unsuccessfully.

Then he was cast in a Marvel movie.

So yeah, things are very awkward between us but as a key player in Marvel Studios, I’ve decided to reach out to Benedick Cumberbitch Benedict, make amends and finally score myself a starring role in the MCU – maybe as a love interest for Star Lord, for instance. Obviously Deadpool would be ideal, but damn 20th Century Fox own the rights.

With that in mind, what says I half-heartedly want to make amends for the drama I’ve caused and to increase my standing with Marvel?

Picture source: Jordan Strauss / Invision / AP.

 

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Jackie (Tom) Collins

Drink

It is was my pal Joanie’s birthday earlier in the week and it reminded me about the rapidly approaching anniversary of her sister, and my dear friend, Jacs’  death. It has been making me feel melancholic and left me unable to adequate celebrate for Jo-Jo, so instead of drowning my sorrows – my go to coping mechanism – I decided to whip out the time machine to say my goodbyes.

As you know, Jac kept her illness secret, even from her two closest confidantes – Joanie and myself – and we only found out a few weeks before she passed and sadly I didn’t make it over in time to say goodbye, which has haunted me ever since.

I first met Jac in the 40s, after working with her big sister in a production of A Doll’s House. Seeing my star turn as Nora Helmer, Jacs was inspired to follow in Joan’s footsteps and become an actress.

Despite a brief falling-out in the 60s when we had a simultaneous affair with Marlon Brando, Jacs and I have enjoyed a close bond, with my mentorship of her acting and later her mentorship of my erotic writing career (to be published, for some reason).

Wanting to get closure, I didn’t travel far back in time to just before her passing so that we could enjoy a last hurrah. While she was so close to the end, Jacs was still so full of life and was as witty and sharp as ever, which just warmed my heart to be able to see and know that she was ready.

As I said, I wasn’t going to drown my sorrows, so instead we joined together to toast a life well lived and a career full of scintillating writing over our drink of choice – a Jackie (Tom) Collins.

 

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As great as it is to witness the Collins girls banter back and forward, I couldn’t risk Joanie throwing a drink in my face and wrestling me in a pool – as we are known to do – so I just kept it to the two of us.

But when you’ve got a raspberry and lemon, gin soaked delight – do you really need anything else (or to be soaked by pool water)?

Enjoy!

 

jackie-tom-collins-2

 

Jackie (Tom) Collins
Makes: 1.

Ingredients
ice cubes, to serve
raspberries
2 thin lemon slices, halved
30ml gin
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
chilled mineral water, to serve

Method
Place ice, a couple of raspberries and the slices of lemon in the base of your glass. Add the gin and lemon juice and top up with mineral water.

Swizzle and down. Simple and delicious.

 

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Japharrell Cake

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Sweets

Full disclosure, I had zero idea why Pharrell was so burnt out and in need of a catch-up. I assumed being a Grammy Award winning, Academy Award nominee was enough to be exhausted?

Turns out, it wasn’t the entire story.

Pha-Pha, as I call him, arrived straight off the plane from LA late last night completely spent after a gruelling season on The Voice. After two hours of him explaining to me that he wasn’t talking about the Australian version and that I needed to put down the knife and relax, he fell into my arms, exhausted and looking for the comfort of a true friend.

I first met Pharrell in the 1700s in the 90s as a founding member of N*E*R*D. Despite being ejected from the band after it was discovered I thought it was a fetish dating site, Pha-Pha took me under his wing as his immortal business protege before I eventually became a muse. Fun fact, the drawing scene from Titanic was inspired by the moment I entered into his … muse-dom?

Needless to say, I’ve played a crucial part in all of Relly’s future successes and have been his go to person. I’m the Yang to his Grey, if that is still a thing – I don’t know, I gave up after Izzie cut the damn LVAD and Snow Patrol became a thing in the mainstream.

Also, is Snow Patrol a band or a barbershop quartet consisting of Mr Plow and the Plow King?

But I’ve digressed.

Rel dropped by after wrapping the US version of The Voice (produced by my dear pal Mark Burnett) where – I shit you not / *spoiler alert* – Curly Sue took the crown. Sadly his contestant, Hannah … Horvath (? – I assume it is a characters of fiction edition) could only snag third, despite a stellar finale performance.

Needless to say, he is a sensitive soul and was taking the loss very hard meaning the only thing that could cure his mood and turn his frown upside down, was my Japharrell Cake.

 

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While Jaffas are the worst coated chocolate treat, this cake is off the hook. Maybe it is the inclusion of blood orange oil – rather than its generic sibling orange oil – but the moist, bitter chocolate cake combined with the tang of the citrus is something to behold. Plus, it melts in your mouth and quite literally, is dripping in ganache (if you’re too lazy to let it set/cool, like I am).

Enjoy!

 

japharrell-cake-2

 

Japharrell Cake
Serves: 1-12.

Ingredients
200ml blood orange oil
70g valrhona cocoa powder (sifted)
165ml boiling water
2 ½ tsp vanilla extract
200g almond meal
¾ tsp bicarbonate of soda
pinch of salt
265g caster sugar
4 large eggs

Ganache
225g dark chocolate, 70% solids or more
1 cup heavy cream
pinch of salt

Method
Preheat the oven to 170°C and grease a 20cm springform pan with some olive oil and the base with baking paper.

Place the cocoa powder in a small bowl and whisk with the boiling water until smooth. Add in the vanilla extract and leave to cool.

Combine the almond meal, bicarb and salt in a large bowl.

In the large bowl of an electric mixer, combine the sugar, oil and eggs and mix with the paddle attachment on high speed for about 5 minutes. Reduce the speed and pour in the cooled cocoa mixture. When combined, add the almond meal in slowly.

Scrape down the sides, pour the mixture into the pan and bake for 45 minutes or until the cake is set but with a nice moist centre.

Moist – I love that word.

When it is ready, allow to cool on a wire rack for about 10 minutes before removing the sides from the pan. Then leave to cool completely (unless you can’t like me).

While the cake is cooling, start on the ganache by bring the cream to the boil over medium heat. While the cream is getting all hot and bothered, break up the chocolate in a medium bowl.

When the cream is hot, pour it over the chocolate, add a pinch of salt and leave to stand for five minutes.

Five minutes later – and I mean that – whisk the cream and chocolate until combined and smooth. Allow to stand for a further 15 minutes, stirring ocassionally, before pouring over the cake and smoothing it out.

Obviously I didn’t wait for either to cool or set, resulting in the puddle cake … which was still delicious, FYI.

 

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Happy clappy chappy

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

My oldest and most dearest friend and rumoured vampire Pharrell called last night to ask if he could drop by and rejuvenate after having such a busy few years. Obviously this made me very happy – feel free to clap along – and I agreed instantly.

He’ll come so far, to be fed something blah.

So let’s raise the bar and fill my plate with a star!

He’ll fill up-a his tum, I’ll be up to feed hum.
We’ll be up all night catching-up, I just can’t wait to say sup’?

(But seriously, if you have a better rhyming word for up, i’ma let you finish).

Picture source: Kevin Winter / Getty Images for NARAS.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Michelderflower and Raspberry Fitzjelly

Dessert, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng, Sweets

Ding, ding, ding – we have a winner!!

Yes, the secret – which I’ve surprisingly kept for the last twelve months after stealing the urn from Probst and counting the votes – is finally out and my dear friend and ex-colleague Michele Fitzgerald has officially been crowned the Sole Survivor of Kaoh Rong: Near-Death Island.

I first connected with Mich a couple of years back when we were both tending bar in Jersey where we bonded over our mutual love of Harry Potter. While I eventually left the bar to work as the Giudice’s financial advisor, our experiences did inspire me to travel back in time and write the screenplay to the hit 80s film Cocktail.

Poor Mich’s win has been quite polarising – hell, even I’m still debating whether Aubry was robbed of the title – but the fact of the matter is, she gave a strong final tribal council performance and won the vote. Convincingly.

Thanks to what people are calling a jury full of people that are helly-jelly of Aubry’s game, Michele was able to articulate her impressive, low-key game and convince them she was deserving of the title. In honour of the haters, I had to make her a Michelderflower and Raspberry Fitzjelly.

 

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Haters are gonna hate … unless you serve them up this floral, tart and delightful dessert. While I will always be team Aubry – in honour of our dark curls, cool glasses and nerd behaviour – Mich played a hard, subtle game and her skill at connecting with others and making moves when she needed to was underestimated by us at home.

Congratulations Michele – while Aubry was also a deserving candidate, you completely earned your win. Enjoy your victory jelly!

 

michelderflower-raspberry-fitzjelly-2

 

Michelderflower and Raspberry Fitzjelly
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
150ml elderflower cordial
250ml water
100ml vodka
5 leaves gelatine
125g fresh raspberries

Method
Combine the cordial, water and vodka in a large jug.

Break the gelatine up into pieces in a heatproof bowl, covering with a dash of the liquid and leave to soak for 10-15 minutes. If needed, place the bowl over a pot of lightly simmering water and stir until completely dissolved.

While the gelatine is soaking, rinse the raspberries.

Pour the gelatine liquid into the jug and stir to combine. Half-fill whatever you’re using as a mould – I went with margarita  glasses as this is a victory dessert and I’m not an animal – dot a couple of raspberries in each and place in the fridge to set for a couple of hours. Leave the remaining mixture at room temperature.

Repeat the process with the liquid and fruit, and return to the fridge to set for a further few hours.

Devour in honour of our reigned champ – well done Mich!

 

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Aubrie and Mushroom Bracotto

Main, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

It pains me to say this … absolutely pains me, the runner-up / first loser of Survivor: Kaoh Rong, is the undisputed queen of the island Aubry Bracco.

While I agree that Michele earned her win, laying low and moving when she needed to, building relationships and winning some well-timed challenges – Aubry was the dominant force of the season, reading the situation perfectly and dictating the votes at every tribal she attended.

Thankfully – and I use that term loosely – losing Neal didn’t impact on her placement, so I guess it makes it easier to accept.

Well, easier to accept than the O.J. verdict at the very least.

I’ve long been friends with Aubs, having attended Brown University together with Summer Roberts where we connected over her love of drawing with crayons and my love of finger painting.

While I returned to Australia (following one of my deportations), we stayed in close contact throughout the years via our passion for social media.

Aubs was feeling defeated when she made it to Ponderosa after reading the vibe of the jury and knowing that she’d have to wait an entire year for her second place cheque. Thankfully I had a nice big bowl of my Aubrie and Mushroom Bracotto, as a chaser to my warm embrace of course.

 

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Like Aubs’ run in the game, the risotto packs a punch and overcomes some strong flavours to result in a smooth, delicate dish that is fit for a winner.

The winner that should’ve been – enjoy!

 

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Aubrie and Mushroom Bracotto
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 tbsp olive oil
60g unsalted butter
2 onions, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 tsp chilli flakes
2 tbsp finely chopped rosemary leaves
1 ⅓ cups arborio rice
100ml white wine
3 cups chicken stock, warm
100ml pure cream
300g mushrooms
150g brie, torn into pieces

Method
Heat the oil and half the butter in a pan over medium-low heat.

Add the onions, garlic, chilli and half the rosemary, and cook for 5-10 minutes, until the onion is soft and sweet.

Add the rice and stir to coat the grains before adding the wine. Stir and simmer for a minute, or until evaporated. Mix in the stock, a ladleful at a time, allowing each to be absorbed completely before adding the next. Continue cooking, while stirring, for about 15 minutes before adding in the cream and cooking for a further minute. Remove from the heat.

Meanwhile, melt the remaining butter in a skillet over high heat and cook the mushrooms and remaining rosemary until golden, about 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and season.

Add the mushrooms to the risotto, stir to combine and serve immediately, topping generously with pieces of brie.

 

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Mai Tai Trang

Drink, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

After Cyd went out in, well technically without, flames, we returned to camp – after spending a bit of time with Cyd’s buff mum – where Aubry discussed her ability to pull it out and Michele was concerned about Tai’s decision to save Aubry and what that means to her potential victory.

Echoing the audience at home, Tai questioned whether it was a final two or a three given Probst’s cryptic wording.

Ultimately though it was classic Probst just being classic, as a new twist was unleashed where the final three competed for the right to vote out a juror. After a tight race, Michele continued her low-key – is that her motto? – string of challenge wins and after hearing Aubry and Tai’s compelling arguments, sent a guaranteed and persuasive Aubry voter, Neal, packing.

Ultimately though, it didn’t impacted the outcome as my dear friend Tai continued in the hallowed tradition of Becky Lee by getting zero votes at final tribal council.

I first connected with Tai while staging my own one-man, zero audience, independent adaptation of A Midsummer Night’s Dream in San Fran’s Golden Gate Park. Given his gentle, loving spirit Tai would offer me support as he went about his job. You could argue that his kindness is responsible for my excessive, irritating self-confidence.

Tai was upset after final tribal, not because he lost but because he had just said goodbye to his dear friend and surrogate son #MarkTheChicken. After assuring him that he should be proud of his game – and that I had no chicken recipes for the top two – he started to perk back up.

My miracle, liquid elixir – which is just butt-loads of alcohol, dressed up with tropical mixers – may have had something to do with that though. Either way, my Mai Tai Trang was just what doc-Tai ordered.

 

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I was very depressed by the lack of audience for my performance back in San Fran, which resulted in my downing a morning mai tai to give me the courage to continue with my dreams. After connecting with Tai, I started to double the batch as a way to say thank you … for being a friend.

Give the light, fresh flavours and a good whack of booze, it is also the perfect way to down your sorrows after snagging no final tribal council votes.

Enjoy.

 

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Mai Tai Trang
Serves: 1-2, depending on the mood.

Ingredients
60ml spiced rum
25ml freshly squeezed lime juice
20ml orange curacao
10ml orgeat
crushed ice
mint sprig, to garnish … or if you forgot, a lime wedge

Method
Combine all liquid in a cocktail shaker, shake.

Place some crushed ice in the base of a glass, top with the booze, garnish with mint … or the aforementioned lime wedge and wash away your sorrows.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Cydney Goujons

Main, Poultry, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

Previously on Survivor Darnell crapped, Jen had worms whispering in her ear, Liz the robot malfunctioned, Caleb almost died, Alecia was bullied, Anna was screwed by the swap, Peter was screwed by his smarm, Neal almost died, Nick was a pretty girl, Debbie worked hard, Scot was nah-bro’d, Julia was run over in the middle of the road, Sargsonyle was vanquished and Joe ate too much meat … and almost died.

And then there was four … well five including the breakout star of the season #MarkTheChicken.

We opened with Tai and Aubry planning how to reclaim the numbers after Joe’s bowels had a beef with him, before Probsty’s took us straight to a reward challenge where Aubry’s underrated stint as challenge beast finally resulted in an individual win. Knowing that she needed to woo (not him) Cyd back to their side, Aubry chose to share her reward with Cyd and give them better odds of beating Michele in the next immunity challenge.

That or she was hoping a steak would take Cyd out for her like Joe?

But best laid plans, amirite? Cyd didn’t OD on satay and Michele ruined their plans by winning immunity.

There was discussion back at camp as Cyd and Michele tried to turn Tai on Aubry but surprisingly, Tai stuck with his ally and forced a taitie between the girls, and let their fire making skills make the final choice.

Despite getting a few of Alecia’s leftover embryos, Cyd was never able to have a flame take off, sending her to the jury and ending her dreams of paying off her parents mortgage (and breaking hearts across the globe in the process).

Well except Sia’s, I guess as she didn’t give her a cheque. Boo.

Obviously I am a close friend of Cyd’s, having met on the bodybuilding circuit a few years ago. Despite the fact that she refused my steroid regime – if only Crystal Cox had don’t the same – and I was eventually banned from the sport because of my roid abuse (and rage), Cydney stuck by me like the kind spirit that she is.

Cyd was heartbroken (and breaking) as she made her way into Ponderosa and ran straight into my comforting arms. While the first cut is said to be the deepest (or is that the Vytas), I almost feel it is worse to go out just before the finals (ask Wentworth). To come so far and get cut just before having the opportunity to plead your case to the jury is something that only your fourth place prize money / a loving meal can fix.

Given the scandal that came from feeding Joe meat in a spicy liquid, I wanted to give Cyd something soothing, comforting and delicious, with a bit of a kick, to get her in the best headspace before making a million dollar decision. While yes, they are spicy, my Cydney Goujons certainly fit the bill!

 

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There is nothing better than a spicy chicken (not Mark) goujon. I mean, moist chicken with a kick of spice wrapped up in a crunchy coating – perfection. Plus it is gluten free, so less inflammatory meaning it is comforting and sensitive … in light of Mr Joe’s issues.

Enjoy!

 

cydney-goujons-2

 

Cydney Goujons
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ tsp paprika
½ tsp chilli
½ tsp smoked paprika
pinch of cayenne pepper
¼ tsp celery salt
¼ tsp onion powder
¼ tsp garlic powder
½ tsp parsley
½ tsp oregano
½ tsp thyme
pepper
1 cup almond meal
1 egg, whisked with a bit of milk
500g chicken breast, sliced into thick strips … that look like goujons

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C. Line a baking sheet with greaseproof paper.

Combine the herbs, spices and almond meal in a large shallow bowl with a good whack of pepper. Whisk the egg in a second shallow bowl.

Dip a strip of chicken into the egg, drain and place it into the spice mix, flipping to coat. Place on the baking sheet. And then, this may come as a shock, repeat the process until all the chicken is done. You can drizzle them with olive oil, but Cyd and I are health conscious / I don’t feel they need it.

Place the chicken in the oven and bake until crisp and golden, or about 15 minutes, flipping once halfway through.

Devour with a plate of steamed veggies … or a massive vat of mash, depending on whether you’re a Cyd or a Ben.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Céline Dijon Chicken

Main, Poultry

Oy Céline, the way you break my heart (serious Toni, unbreak it for me)!

It was the first time I’ve seen Céls since René’s funeral and the way she is powering through is just so inspirational. We had had a decade long estrangement in the lead up to his passing after I sold a story about them to the tabloids in 2001 but thankfully her kind heart knew that he deserved closure before his death and she reached out to help us clear the air and reconnect.

I first met Céline in the early 80s while competing against each other – and Bryan Adams, but that is another story for another time – in the 1982 Yamaha World Popular Song Festival. Against type, I never held her superior performance against her … because I knew that it was smarter to buckle in and ride her coattails to fame.

Thankfully Céllo recognised the  talent I possessed and we went on to enjoy a successful period of co-writing songs, culminating in her 1988 Eurovision Song Contest winning song Ne partez pas sans moi – if only my fellow Brisbane girl Dami had taken me up when I offered to write her song!

After winning such a prestigious competition, I went off to Hollywood to diversify my portfolio (to open up some options to snag my EGOT) while Céllo returned home to Canada to commence work on her first English language album. Obviously her album was a success, so when Jim asked if I knew of anyone that could sing vocals on my song for his film Titanic – oh yeah, I’m friends with Jim Cameron – I knew she was perfect!

Sadly she didn’t listen to my fashion advice on Oscar night … and James Horner had my name struck from the song’s credit!

Despite the fact that she is such a trooper, we stayed up most of the night – while the wind was so cold – talking while I helped her work through her grief, process all the turmoil that started her year and plan the next steps of her career.

Given how much we achieved together, you just know we had to have eaten something substantial, comforting and invigorating – yep, I made my famous Céline Dijon Chicken!

 

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As a good ole Quebec girl, Céline loves herself some delightfully French dijon (culminating in us snorting it together like a party drug in Tokyo in 82)! After the mustard started to wear away my septum, I knew I had to come up with a healthier way for us to indulge our addiction so I added in some chicken, brandy and mushrooms, and that mustard really started to sing.

Beautifully! Like Céline – enjoy!

 

céline-dijon-chicken-2

 

Céline Dijon Chicken
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
4 chicken breasts, with skin
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 onion, sliced
200g mushrooms, sliced
3 tbsp dijon mustard
1 tbsp fresh tarragon, chopped
500ml white wine
splash of brandy

Method
In a pan, heat a lug of olive oil in a large pan over high – when as hot as CD’s career, reduce heat to medium-low. Season the chicken breasts and fry, skin-side down, for about 5 or until golden and crisp. Turn over and seal the meat for a minute or two. Remove from the pan and leave to rest.

Sweat the garlic and onion to the pan and cook until soft. Add the mushrooms and fry until they are soft and silky. Stir in the mustard, tarragon, white wine and a splash of brandy, then reduce for 2 minutes.

Reduce heat to low, add the chicken, skin-side up, cover and simmer/steam for 10 minutes. Remove the lid and cook, uncovered, for a further 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the sauce is your desired consistency.

Slice the chicken and serve on a bed of fresh, creamy mash, lashings of the sauce and garnish with some fresh tarragon leaves.

Enjoy the new day that has come … in your mouth.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

In the flesh and the fantasy

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Near, far, wherever you are, gather round – do I have some exciting news for you!

Yep, my dear friend Céline Dion is coming back to me for dinner this week and I couldn’t be happier.

As you know, Céline had a very rough start to the year – sadly, I assume after a very feliz navidad – so I’m hoping that the power of love is enough to remind her that a new day has come.

What says the power of the dream brought you here so I can help make you happy?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.