Australian Survivor's first boot Piñastasia Colamer

Piñastasia Colamer

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Drink, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor a Samoan sea witch took out the third-but-first-on-Ten crown, followed by Jericho butchering metaphors until he bamboozled his competitors into submission and Shane Gould emphatically proved that she is not one to be fucked with. I mean, just ask Lydia how swiftly she will turn the game against you! But none of that matters because this is a new season and the memory of Locky, Steve, the washed up Gladiator, Benji, Robbie and Grubby’s buns, Shonella’s majesty and Monika’s brutal belly flops are all that remains.

Deep in the swamp of the foggy, Fijian jungle we first meet this year’s batch of Contenders featuring thirst traps Matty and Shaun – sorry Megan Gale, I ship them – and Andy, Laura, Casey, Sam, Hannah and Harry who have channeled the fearless style choices of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the Vanderpump Rule’s kids by working on their hat game. While without an in-game hat, farm girl Daisy seems like an early icon – I may be biased, but curly hair is never anything but an asset in life. As they continued to trudge through the swamplands, we met gold miner John who looks like Chopper Reed, but in a way that I kinda find hot. Side note: maybe I am just a thirsty man? He was followed by Sri Lanken tsunami surviving cleaner Sarah and TBH, I am questioning the decision making abilities of whoever thought it was a good idea to kick off the game with this poor woman trudging through a mass of land that is inundated with water.

In a more rapidly flowing body of cleaner water we met the Champions – who have thus far only been ambiguously shaded by their fellow competitors, none moreso than Matt who I am praying is a fellow gay going through something based on his bleached hair – led by big wave surfer Ross who seems super cute, if not simply washed up. (Pause here to laugh at my killer pun). He is joined by E.T. who I assume just thinks he wandered on to the set of a reboot of Escape with E.T., Janine “Ma’ Fuckin’” Allis who is a bloody icon and I already stan, despite not enjoying Boost nor wheatgrass shots – oh the noughties, what a bloody time – and Luke Toki who is back to cause havoc and drama for a second time, this time unhampered by Jericho’s afformentioned metaphor challenges.

Side note: what do you think happened to that drowning cat he spoke about?

The Contenders were the first to be welcomed to Jonathan’s swoon worthy gunshow on a windy, grassy knoll by the sea. He quickly got in on the shade game, pointing out that when Shane Gould proved not to be fucked with last year, it also ruined the predestined narrative arc of the Champions vs. Contenders theme – lucky Nick defeated Mike in the USA, I guess – and as such they all need to take a long hard look at themselves, pull their fingers out and snatch the crown in honour of Robbed Goddess Shonee. They all assured him that they have what it takes and believe that they can do her proud before the Champions were wheeled out. Almost literally if you ask Sam and Casey, who noted they were old as shit and as such, they will be destroyed in all and sundry challenges. Daisy jumped on the ageist ribbing to point out that their tribe was young and diverse, with Jonathan left to fill in the blanks. As she was left to ponder who the nine Champions she doesn’t recognise are, Queen Janine admitted that she was happy to face off against their arrogance, knowing that pride comes before the fall and again, I stan.

More importantly, I’m still Looking for Alibrandi to get a bloody line. Show me Pia Miranda for I smash a book on my TV’s nose!

With the requisite shade out of the way Jonathan announced that the season will be kicking off with a reward challenge for a huge welcome pack, featuring food, pots and flint, with the losers going home with nothing. He explained that each tribe would send one person to battle it out in the ring to gain control of a sack, which they were to drag to their goal. While I was left confused about whether the ring or the sack was the one true goal, the Contenders sent John in to face off against Simon Black. They ran at each other as John and his magically mullet grabbed at the sack, as Brownlow Medalist Simon held on to his rugged torso. Try as he might, John pulled Simon harder and harder until Simon and the sack reached John’s goal and secured the first point for the Contenders.

Luke and Zaddy Matt were next to face off, with Luke almost snatching victory before Matt fought back and used his brains to snatch victory. Nearly killing Luke in the process. Abbey and her epic guns kept things alive for the Champions, making quick work of Daisy despite the icon’s best efforts. Champion Roxette impersonator slash memory champion slash ballerina Anastasia made even quicker work of Laura, even though the latter straight up kneed her in the head. The final battle between E.T. and Andy proved far closer than I was expecting – soz Andy, but I was expecting to hate you and giddily enjoy your flame-out – with the first round ending in the sack being taken out of the ring, leaving the exhausted oldies to battle it out again with E.T. just snatching victory and handing the Champions a massive advantage as things kicked off.

We followed the victors back to camp where my search efforts paid off and Pia Miranda finally arrived on screen and proved why she is a star, vowing to game everyone despite arguably being the weakest on her tribe. Luke was feeling deja vu being back in the game, though noted that his tribe comes across more like an aged care facility and as such, he needs to prove his worth and blindside them all.

Meanwhile over at the Contenders the plebs were still feeling upbeat despite their loss, introducing themselves and sharing stories. Well except for Andy who was coming across more closely to my expectations than his star turn in the challenge, spinning lies about his life and being super arrogant, which you know will come back to bite him, rather than lay low like he is intending. That being said Casey does appear to be making quick work of putting a target on her back, forcing people into focusing on the shelter and not listening to everyone’s pleas to get a fire going ASAP.

Speaking of fire, Olympian slash former senator was making quick work of getting fire going for the Champions while also becoming my new favourite cast member. However she was super confident about her standing because of that, which immediately makes me want to scream – YOU IN DANGER GIRL. We then checked in with Steven Bradbury who acknowledged that yes he got lucky winning his gold medal, but that still doesn’t mean he worked his arse off to get to the finals in the first place, which is true but ruins the iconic joke we as a country have turned him into. That being said, he is planning to use his smarts to snatch victory this time, lining up an alliance of seven with the rest of the athletes to get rid of the five non-sporties. So sorry Steven, I hate you, as I need David to get shirtless for many more episodes and Pia to slay, hopeful get a book and break someone’s nose with it.

Unwittingly fighting against the athlete alliance, Luke was charming Nova, Ross and Simon, with the latter working his way into my heart with a speedo scene. I mean, between Simon, Commando last years and the Survivor SA boys, I really think speedos need to be mandatory for the men. Anyway Luke’s instincts tipped him off to Steven’s athlete alliance and his general shiftiness, so decided to find his Jericho, settling on Zaddy David, before pulling in Anastasia, Janine and Pia to round out his group of close allies. We then checked in with Anastasia who was thrilled to discover that everyone was getting along and nobody was annoying people, except for Nova who was annoying Anastasia – and only Anastasia – for taking control of the kitchen, leaving the memory champ to only be heard by dogs as the pitch of her voice grew higher and higher.

That night we checked in with the Contenders who were still without fire in their elevated shelter … which slowly started to collapse, almost crushing half of the tribe who were sleeping beneath it. Needless to say, Andy was pissed and was thrilled to tell us about it. Things were looking slightly better the next morning as they smashed a breakfast of beans, much to the delight of John whose thing, apparently, is four bean mix. Which still makes him so inappropriately sexy to me. Baden however was not loving it, blowing chunks from his beanie brekkie and annoying Andy in the process.

My boy Jonathan returned for the first immunity challenge of the season where the tribes were required to race over a series of walls, followed by a giant netted A-frame, before pushing a deck along a track, before flipping it over to enter a tower, pull up a frame and then throw clubs and the tiles embedded within it. Zaddy David got the Champions out to a slight lead at the walls, however the Contenders closed the gap over the second obstacle. Things were neck and neck by the time it came to push the deck, with the Champions slowly opening up a gap as they climbed the tower until John finally pulled Shaun into the tower and they once again, slowly closed the gap. David and Steven struggled to knock out the tiles, while Andy and Shaun snatched the lead for the Contenders, and ultimately, snatched immunity. Thanks to Andy’s killer aim, which I really hate to admit. Maybe I should like Andy, I don’t know?

Back at camp the two factions split up to lock in their respective targets, with the athletes locking in Pia – well not Steven, he was just following their lead despite organising the alliance – while the outsiders decided on Susie, as she seemed to be relying on the men. Meanwhile Nova stumbled upon the outsiders, making things super awkward until Queen Pia asked her what she was thinking. While Nova obviously stayed silent and just listened to their thoughts, she immediately took said information back to Susie. Nova continued to be my personal hero, deciding that she was not keen on voting out Pia or Susie, and that they should target Anastasia instead. She then got to work, trying to pull in Susie and Luke, and while the former was more than receptive Luke approached Anastasia to fill her in, leading to her completely unravelling. Pia tried her best to calm her down, given she was sure that the athletes would be targeting her instead. Given Anastasia continued to panic, Pia gave up and walked away … leaving David, Luke and Anastasia locking in their votes for Pia in a bid to save her. Speaking of Pia, she then approached Susie and Nova to continue turning the vote against Anastasia instead, with Nova trying to pull in E.T. after identifying him as the key to getting everyone on side. Sadly they were interrupted by a seemingly paranoid Steven, leaving things confused and undecided as they headed off to tribal council.

Though Pia gave a confessional talking about being the first boot or the winner, and hot damn, I need her to survive the vote and follow in Shane Gould’s footsteps.

Anywho at tribal council Janine spoke about the importance of forming bonds and being friends, while David pointed out their camp was a mess despite them all trying their best before Luke spoke about the bedlam of the post challenge scrambling. Nova likened it to her time in parliament, before Pia went on the charm offensive, acknowledging the fact that she heard her name and completely lost her mind, laughing about not being cool about it and winning fans in the process if the warm smiles are anything to go by. Jonathan asked who else heard their name, with Anastasia and Susie admitting that they too had heard their names. Anastasia continued to solidify the votes against her, trying to back away from throwing out Susie’s name, sounding flakey and paranoid in the process.

E.T. spoke about the need to focus on strength, which only made Pia more nervous given she is physical in real life however next to athletes, she appears like a hot mess. Luke agreed strength is important, though loyalty is too. Nova then pointed out everyone has their strengths and it is sad to have to send someone home, while Anastasia still felt uneasy and manic and just wished they all had more time to get to know each other. Which is so true and the saddest thing for the first boots, as even an extra day could give them time to win people over or to prove themselves. But anyway, Pia then gave a killer pitch to keep herself, pointing out her easygoing, fun nature and that she doesn’t want to be pushy with alliances or how to vote, easily deflecting her superfan status. With that the tribe voted and poor Anastasia found herself becoming the first boot, with the game becoming a distant memory.

Despite how the show made her appear as she spoke about her scratched up knees proved how much harder she fought in challenges than others, Anastasia took her crushing defeat with humility and kindness. As soon as I saw her descend from the tribal treehouse stairs, I swept her up in my arms and cursed out Bradbury for making her become the first to slip on his way to victory. You see Anastasia and I have been friends for years, after meeting at a ballet company – I am truly the lightest one could be in my loafers – then forming a Roxette cover band and ultimately becoming memory champs together. Well, trying to – apparently the judges feel like calling people either old mate or old love doesn’t qualify as memory.

But enough about me. My dear Anastasia truly could have been a strong asset to her tribe, but was dealt a sucky hand and didn’t have enough time to work her way through the athlete shield. Thankfully for that sort of tragedy, there is liquor and there is no liquor sweeter than a Pinastasia Colamer.

 

Anastasia Woolmer enjoying a Piñastasia Colamer after becoming the first boot

 

Fresh and vibrant like its namesake, this little piña colada fills you with joy and dulls the pain of being brutally cut from the game. Plus, how better do you toast your last day in Fiji?

Enjoy!

 

Anastasia Woolmer enjoying a Piñastasia Colamer after becoming the first boot

 

Piñastasia Colamer
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
1 cup white rum
⅔ cup coconut cream
1 ½ cups fresh pineapple juice
crushed ice, to taste

Method
Place everything in a blender. Blitz. Pour into a cup. Down, with or without a garnish.

 

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Arturo Castro Cocktail

Drink, Four and Three and Two and Done: A Farewell to Broad City

I’m just going to get this out of the way up front, as I kicked my farewell to Broad City – Four and Three and Two and Done – off with Abbi, Ilana won’t be gracing us with her presence until the end as I wanted a kween bookend. Like their hug with Hillary.

Thankfully there are four very important men that support these broads that I wanted to celebrate, and Arturo Castro was free to help me celebrate him.

Which sounds like a sex thing and it can be a sex thing whenever he would like.

While I didn’t meet him until Broad City started filming, we quickly developed a strong bond thanks to our childlike faces, which is why I keep a beard at all times. Which is another story for another time.

Art has been so busy lately that I was super thankful he could take the time to mark our friendship, celebrate the joy of Jaimé and down a Arturo Castro Cocktail or ten, in honour of his rapidly rising star.

 

 

A little bit tart, a hint of heat and sweat and a large punch of rummy goodness, this is the perfect drink to help wash away your troubles. Or toast the magnificence that is, BC.

Enjoy!

 

 

Arturo Castro Cocktail
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
ice
60ml rum, preferably cuban
125ml ginger ale
½ a lime, cut into wedges.

Method
Fill a highball with ice.

Add the ginger ale, rum and squeeze in a couple of lime wedges.

Stir. Down.

 

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Granita Berkett

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the Champions continued to dominate – much to the disgust of Zach – before a twist allowed Mat to win himself an individual reward and share it with someone from the Contenders tribe. Since she can’t stop running her mouth, he decided to take Paige and further alienate her from the tribe. While it worked in fueling Anita’s rage, the focus should definitely be on the fact that Zach is the absolute worse. Meanwhile over at the Champions, Shane felt nervous and found herself a hidden immunity idol just in the nick of time as she and Jackie blew the immunity challenge. At tribal council, Moana’s illness started to get to her and she requested to leave, however Sharn convinced her to let the tribe vote instead with them respecting her wishes whilst also flushing Shane’s idol out of the game.

Things were decidedly more calm at the Champions the next day, as Brian made a full on play for my heart running around in his jocks before pulling them up into a G-string. I hate myself for saying it, but swoon. Lydia then gave us a rundown of the tribe, sharing that Brian pees a lot – in full view, Trump! – Sam is funny and Monika is a bit of a badarse when it comes to hunting and gathering.

Meanwhile over at Casa Contenders, Heath and Shonee discovered a wild pig wandering around their camp. While Heath tried to capture it, Anita was terrified that he would be attacked and begged him to stop. While everyone was fantasizing about eating bacon and neglecting the fact it is cured, Tegan and Heath got together to discuss the tribe dynamics and what their next steps would be. Sadly for them Benji, Robbie and Zach noticed their growing power, and Benji decided to lead the charge to get rid of Tegan and snatch control of the tribe. We then learnt that Benji can deliver a confessional, is a millionaire and is hella successful … begging the question, why exactly are we only meeting him today? Benji then approached Shonee to float the idea of taking out Tegan or Heath, which she appeared to fall for which he then gloated about, laughing how quickly she fell for his lies.

Back at the Champions, Sharn and Shane discussed Moana’s mercy boot and Sharn shared how losing her best friend in the game had made her feel alone. We then learnt more about Sharn’s life at home, being a dominant lawyer and having a beautiful family. Sharn then checked in with Steve and Mat to debate why exactly Shane played her idol for no reason.

Over at the Contenders Tegan and Anita were discussing Zach and his complete lack of human decency before we were shocked by his self-awareness, admitting that his social game is letting him down. He lamented about his need for the idol to Heath. Sadly for the jerk, Heath found the idol clue himself and learnt it was buried under the tribe flag. He shared his clue with Tegan, who quickly rallied the troops to go hunting for pippies and allow Heath to snatch his idol. Sadly for him, Zach elected to stay behind at camp to find the idol to save himself, meandering aimlessly around the camp while Heath clearly seethed. Thankfully for Heath, he soon gave up on the beach and headed into the jungle leaving the gentle giant enough time to dig for the idol and give himself and Tegan even more power.

My love Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes would face off in groups of three who would go hunting for a ball in the shallows before passing it off to a fourth person, who would need to shoot it into the goals. Mat – in speedos, swoon – Steve and Brian faced off against Robbie, Heath and Benji, with the Contenders getting the early win. Well, until Fenella couldn’t work the slingshot and sent the ball straight back to Steve, who passed it to Jackie who snatched the first point for the Champions. Zach, Robbie, Anita and Paige struggled against Matt, Sharn, Lydia and Sam, with Lydia throwing them out of the way and passing the ball to Sam who, given she is a physics genius, easily charted its trajectory into the goal. Anita, Tegan, Shonee and Fenella put up a huge fight against Lydia, Shane, Monika and Jackie, and were able to snatch the Contenders their first point. Sadly the boys were also about to snatch a win, with Benji, Robbie, Zach and Heath making quick work of Brian, Steve, Mat and Sam and tying things up. Heath, Tegan, Fenella and Paige put up a huge fight against Sharn, Mat, Lydia and Jackie, however tragically were felled by Jackie and her challenge redemption.

Back at camp, Zach tried to do something different and make friends, so instead of berating people for their loss he congratulated them for trying their best. Anita pulled Tegan and Paige aside to talk about getting rid of Zach, despite his half-arse attempts to be pleasant. Tegan took the info to Fenella, who was all in while Zach and Benji loitered around. Fenella and Shonee caught up with Robbie and Benji to discuss getting rid of Zach, with the boys quickly lying to them about Heath and Tegan actually wanting Anita out instead. Surprisingly Fenella fell for their lies, taking the intel back to Anita who was angry and ready to jump. Meanwhile Health and Tegan spoke about how lucky they were to be in the middle, unaware that Benji had turned everyone against them. Thankfully Shonee seemed to question the boys story and felt that getting rid of Zach is still the smarter move, no matter how confident Benji got.

At tribal council Jonathan congratulated them on almost winning the challenge, before talking about the importance of the social game. Fenella argued that the social game can be played many different ways, before Tegan countered that if you’re not honest it would get caught out so she stands by being her honest self. Zach finally said something right, disagreeing with Tegan because being himself really hasn’t worked out for him thus far. Benji flagged that some people have more influence than others, Tegan was scared that that influence can easily put a target on your back, Anita was confident in her plan, Benji felt confident in his plan and Fenella was uneasy. Jonathan then dropped a bomb on the tribe, telling them that this tribal council would work a little bit different and instead of voting someone out, they’d be sending them to Exile Beach where they would wait for the next person to be voted out before completing a challenge to see who will stay in the game and who will go.

This bit of intel seemed to terrify Benji, Zach, Paige, Fenella and Shonee, confirming the facts the girls were actually going to flip on Tegan. Tegan was confident about the people she gave her word to and Paige wanted to flip the vote to Zach before Tegan uttered a stick to the plan, instantly cursing her like Keith Nale. With that, the tribe voted as Zach continued to win the hearts of women and normal people across the country telling Tegan that arrogance and ignorance are two very unattractive qualities in a woman while voting her out. The votes rolled in and poor Tegan found herself shipped off to Exile Beach and hot damn I can’t wait to see this revenge plot play out!

We checked in on Tegan the next day who was well and truly on struggle street all alone on Exile Beach. While she fought back tears, she set herself up a camp, started fire and reminded herself that she needs to fight, get back in the came and get her revenge on Benji. And hopefully, I assume, explain how stupid it is to elect to go by known dog’s name Benji, from one Ben to another.

We then dropped by the Champions where Brian continued his play for my heart, joking around and almost kissing Sam. I’d ship that. Lydia shared how well she is going in the game, getting along with Mat and Steve, and altogether loving island life. Mat then got Steve to give him a shave with fire and while it makes me extremely anxious, I’d also ship this.

Things were also quite relaxed at the Contenders where the tribe did some yoga and debated whether they were bruised or dirty. Oh wait, no it isn’t – Heath is seething after Tegan’s blindside, while Zach and Robbie desperately tried to win him back. Though given they only said that winning immunity would save him from the next vote, he wasn’t thrilled. And I am living for him. Fenella, Shonee and Anita were feeling bad about upsetting him too, while Benji found it hilarious and looked forward to sending him to exile while everyone else thought it was smarter to send Paige instead. Thankfully Heath has his idol and definitely won’t be taking his ally out of the game, instead playing to blindside someone who she can beat.

My boy Jonathan returned for the reward challenge where the Champions learnt about the Exile Beach redemption twist, much to their nonchalance. The challenge would see groups from each tribe carrying weights while running around a ring to catch the other tribe. They were playing for care packages from home, which thankfully elicited a more chalant reaction. Can I use it like that? Anyway, Robbie, Fenella and Benji were up first against Brian, Sam and Sharn with the Champions making quick work of the challenge while Benji struggled to breath and Fenella pushed through despite it not being a washing up challenge. Mat, Steve – in speedos, hot damn – and Lydia quickly took out Zach, Anita and Shonee … and can Steve just wear speedos for the rest of the season? He and Mat then gave Anita a peptalk after she fell in the water, couple that with the shaving scene and Steve telling his fellow Champions he loves them and I could marry him right now. Soz Mish. Oh – Heath, Paige and Zach destroyed Lydia, Shane and Jackie … but Steve, you know? Despite a strong start from Zach, Paige and Fenella, they quickly lost steam, allowing Brian, Sam and Sharn to close the gap and take out victory, despite Zach’s abnormal kindness as Paige broke down for losing.

The Champions returned to camp unwrapped their gifts and proceeded to breakdown. Lydia got a photo from home and her Olympic kangaroo that lives in their room, Brian got his daughter’s bunny – which looks like my niece’s, begging the question … are we related? – and a photo of his mum and kids, Mat too got a family photo and a poem written by his mum about the love between his parents and hot damn if the story about their deaths didn’t break your heart. As an aside – I need Chloe Maxwell and Mish for the family visit ASAP. Monika got a teddy bear made by her husband with a recorded message, Sharn got a photo album, Shane got a book, Sam got an image of his cats and childhood inventions and Steve got my tears going again, looking at the letters from his kids and MICHELLE BRIDGES SIGHTING. What I wouldn’t give to hold Steve as he cried. Not even in a creepy way though, he just needs it. I mean, breaking down while talking about needing love and acceptance. I can’t …

Jonathan returned – or at least I think he has, I can’t see through the tears – for the immunity challenge where the tribes would be required to hold weights tethered to a trough over their heads with the first tribe to drop returning to tribal. Mat, Steve and Lydia proceeded to coach their fellow Champions, while Shonee definitely was not struggling despite what Jonathan said. After five minutes Anita dropped out of the challenge, handing her bag off to Robbie while Zach sweetly – WTF – coached Paige into fighting through the pain. Jackie became the first Champion to drop out, followed closely by Paige and Shonee as Steve did a guided meditation with the Champions before Monika couldn’t take it any longer. After twenty minutes poor Fenella couldn’t hold on any longer, passing out her bag before the boys started pulling off risky moves that didn’t pay off, as Robbie dropped his bag and sent the Contenders back to tribal council.

Things were looking up over at Exile, with Tegan galvanised to push through and destroy whoever comes back into the game. Ideally, another Contender to exact her revenge.

Speaking of which, the Contenders were all miserable about their latest loss. Well except for Benji, who was thrilled to get rid of Heath and him eliminate Tegan at the challenge. Heath however was planning to target Anita to ensure Tegan’s return. He went to Zach to start planting the seeds, with Zach agreeing that they need to keep strength if they want to have a chance against powerhouses like Sharn and Lydia. Heath then approached Paige about taking out Anita, who was all in despite not realising that she is the next weakest. Heath went to Benji to tell him that Zach and Paige were in on the Anita vote, while Benji agreed he was still keen to take out Heath. Benji approached Shonee and they affirmed the vote for Heath. Well, until Shonee spoke to Fenella who was desperate to take out Zach since she hates him. Though given that Anita is still all in with Benji’s lies, she quickly got them back on taking out Heath and breaking up the couple that never turned on them.

At tribal council Robbie lamented how difficult it is to continually lose, particularly since they’ve never had a reward win. Zach spoke about how he can’t stop killing it in challenges, Anita found the game more difficult than she expected and Heath said it was hard but they knew what they signed up for. Talk returned to strength, with Anita sharing that having numbers is also a strength which kinda felt like a threat. Jonathan reminded them all about the fact that Tegan is sitting waiting for one of them at Exile Beach, with Benji pretending that voting out a strong person was a good idea while Zach admitted that he was ok if he had to go to Exile Beach if he needed to. Though quickly assured them he was joking and he wanted to stay.

Heath cautioned the tribe that anyone could win the challenge and that they needed to think carefully about who they all vote for, though nobody seemed moved by his words. Well other than him, as he played his idol based on their general shiftiness, negating every single vote but his which sent Anita to Exile Beach and made everyone else feel completely sick. Good boy Benji, good boy!

Anita rolled into Exile Beach where Tegan was chilling by the fire wondering why she was voted out the previous day. Tegan was shocked to see Anita and they both swore their way through an explanation of what happened, with Anita shocked to discover that Tegan had never planned to turn on her. After they shared their stories and cleared the air, they both agreed that whoever comes back will tear Benji a new one.

They woke up the next morning with Tegan feeling renewed and ready to get back in the game and take everyone down. Not one to leave us in suspense for too long, my boy Jonathan returned to lord over the redemption challenge with both tribes watching on as Tegan and Anita solemnly wandered into the arena. Tegan was a bit passive aggressive about the Contenders and warned the Champions that people are playing really hard, so they need to focus. After some more smack talking the girls learnt they’d be required to build towers out of blocks on the end of a ramp, with each of them required to roll a ball over the ramp to knock down the other’s stack. The first person to build their tower with all the bricks stays alive and the loser is gone for realsies.

Both girls were neck and neck however Tegan managed to knock over Anita’s stack, giving her an early lead. Well, until the wind knocked hers over when it was nearly done. With that, Anita had a huge lead while Tegan was forced to play catch up, which she did snatching victory by a single brink and sending Anita from the game. Well, coupled with Benji’s lies and Heath’s idol.

While Anita was tearful as she left her burning buff and entered Loser Lodge, she was thrilled to see her fellow Queenslander waiting in the wings to cheer her up. We laughed, we cried, we mocked Zach’s fragile masculinity and Benji’s stupidity and most importantly, smashed a big old Granita Berkett.

 

 

Fresh, light and sweet, a granita is the perfect dessert to help wash away the pain of a Queensland summer. Or the burn of being lied to leading to you blindsiding out an ally before being idolled from the game and then losing a challenge to really rub salt in the wounds.

Better still, it is delicious. So enjoy!

 

 

Granita Berkett
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
6 pears, peeled and cored
½ cup blueberries
¼ cup spiced rum
a generous lug of bitters

Method
Combine the pears and blueberries in a food processor and blitz until as smooth as possible.

Sieve the liquid into a jug and add the spiced rum and bitters.

Transfer to a flat, glass dish and place in the fridge until frozen.

Using a fork, scrape the surface to form icicle goodness.

Serve and devour immediately. I mean, it will melt if you don’t.

 

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Rio Summers Fruit Tart

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Baking, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls created avatars in the ANTM mobile game leading to Jeana being pissed about her lack of personality. Feeling the pressure, she then dived into Shanice and Khrystyana’s shoot, or so they thought, leading to some drama before Director X cleared things up at panel. Sadly it wasn’t enough to save her, with Khrystyana taking out best photo again and Jeana booted from the competition.

The top four returned to the house to celebrate Khrystyana’s 600th first call out, and for Kyla and Shanice, the demise of Jeana. Rio then shared a beautiful note that Jeana left her following her departure, though was thankful she was gone as her odds just got better. Khrystyana offered to have her join them in the other bedroom, though she didn’t want to give up her big bed and while I get it, ugh Rio. Tyra Mail arrived and warned the girls that it was throwback week and they’d have to recreate a past challenge, leading to a shit tonne of speculation and Rio and Shanice sharing their pride about how far they’ve come.

The next day the girls joined Ashley, Drew and Law to learn that they would be recreating the cycle 16 bubble runway of death. Stacey McKenzie returned to help the girls through the challenge before they dropped the bombshell that the eliminated queens – no quitters – would be returning to compete for a place in the new top four. The girls all reconnected, well except for Jeana and Rio as the latter was feeling frosty about her potential return, particularly if it is at the cost of her place. Law then told the girls that only the four best eliminated queens would temporarily move back into the house and compete to return after the shoot.

Rio struggled in the ball according to Jeana, though she did kill it so maybe she is an authority. All of the other girls seemed to struggle, even Queen Khrystyana, except for Christina, Kyla, Erin and Liberty. Erin took out victory in the challenge and was given a ticket back into the house, along with Liberty, Christina and Jeana much to the chagrin of Rio. Lol.

The potential returnees were feeling unloved back at the house, with Jeana really hurt by Rio icing her out as it triggered her memories of being bullied and isolated in school. Christina joined the OG top four from Rio mid-rant, before she vowed to raise hell if she is the one to be eliminated. Rio then took her rage next level, moving out of her beloved big bed and into the room with her fellow never-eliminees behind Jeana’s back. Seriously, Rio is losing it and it is scary but also glorious.

The models then arrived to recreate tarantula shoot from Cycle 3, posing with Eva who won that cycle and shot by former judge, all around babe and noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker. The final four were paired with one of the potential returnees, Erin with Khrystyana, Liberty and Kyla, and obviously the drama pairs of Christina and Shanice – who felt safer with the tarantula – and Rio and Jeana. Liberty didn’t love the spider, though loved the experience with Nige. Erin was terrified and Khrystyana was annoyed that that made her have to suffer through more time with the spider. Erin then pulled out all stops and posed with the spider on her face. Eva pulled Jeana aside to talk her through the shoot, pissing off Rio who felt the entire thing was fake. Jeana then went on to dominate the shoot while Rio couldn’t get out of her head and looked weak as hell. Shanice then struggled the entire shoot while Christina completely dominated.

The girls arrived at panel where Tyra warned them all that Eva looked fierce in all the photos and they had better hope they brought it. Christina and Shanice were up first with Christina’s photo receiving universal praise and Shanice getting read for filth, though she admitted she hated the entire thing and wasn’t surprised. Rio and Jeana were up next with Jeana praised for owning the shoot and coming back to slay, while they felt Rio was lost and just floating through the competition. Liberty was praised for looking rich, while was no competition for Kyla whose photo was gorgeous. Khrystyana had a rare stumble and while Erin’s photo looked terrible, she was praised for owning the runway.

Kyla received best photo – though it kind of felt like it was by default – followed by Khrystyana, leaving Shanice, who has grown throughout the competition, and Rio, who has plateaued. As such Shanice was given a reprieve, despite the weaker photo and poor Rio was eliminated from the competition. With that Tyra turned her attention to the eliminated girls, with Jeana earning her place back in the competition much to rage of Shanice, Kyla and Khrystyana.

Now like Jeana last week, I know I’ve been harsh on Rio and while I did scream at her and let her know just how disappointed I was by her attitude, this week kind of showed just how much the competition had gotten to them both. While Jeana had the chance to reflect after her brief elimination, Rio couldn’t process losing and highlighted how desperate she was for the title. She cried, I held her tight – did I mention I was conducting clinical trials in the hospital she received treatment at and motivated her to take up modelling? Because I did – and sweetened the deal of her loss with a big fat slice of Rio Summers Fruit Tart.

 

 

Sweet, fresh and a little bit tart, this is the perfect reflection of her narrative arc on the show. From beloved to reviled, she brought it every week and TBH, this is the kind of tart you’ll want to devour every damn week.

Enjoy!

 

 

Rio Summers Fruit Tart
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
150g cold unsalted butter, plus 115g at room temperature
250g flour
50g icing sugar
salt, to taste
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 eggs, at room temperature
milk, optional (dependent on size of the egg, really)
½ cup raw caster sugar
1 tbsp spiced rum
¼ tsp almond extract
1 cup almond meal
3 peaches, sliced
1 cup blueberries

Method
Preheat the oven to 180ºC.

To make the pastry, cut the cold butter into cubes and blitz in a food processor with the flour, icing sugar, a pinch of salt and vanilla. When resembling wet sand, add the egg and blitz until it just comes together to form a dough. You may need to add some milk if the egg is small, but you should be ok. Shape into a disc, wrap in cling and rest in the fridge for an hour.

Sprinkle some flour in a bench and roll the dough until it is roughly 3mm thick and press it into a 25cm loose bottom – yum – tart case. Trim off an any excess dough and return to the fridge for half an hour or so. When you’re ready, line with baking paper and fill with baking weights. Transfer to the oven and blind bake for ten minutes. Remove the baking weights and cook  for a further ten minutes, or until lightly golden and cooked through.

Leave the oven on while you beat the remaining butter and sugar in a stand mixer until it is so light it looks to be pulsating. Add the remaining two eggs, one at a time, followed by the rum and almond extract before removing from the stand mixer and folding through the almond meal. Smear into the tart case and smooth the top.

Press the peaches into the frangipane in any fashion you find aesthetically on point for you – dick and balls would look hella artistic, for instance – before pressing the blueberries around the gaps. Transfer to the oven and bake for half an hour, our until the tart is golden and puffed and the blueberries are blistering.

Devour immediately with some ice cream. Sad model friend optional.

 

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Liz Bluedbury Peach Mojito

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Drink

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, following Maggie’s outster the top 14 were given Ty-overs to find their signature looks. Which in the case of Coura, was just her look, meaning she got bupkis. Liz continued to act crazy, Coura and Rhiyan were boring and poor Ivana was eliminated at panel by her inner sabotuer.

Back at the house Brendi K and Liberty debriefed about Liz’s offensive comments about Brendi K’s family backstage, while Liz tried to rationalise her behaviour to Christina. Christina, to her credit, told her it wasn’t appropriate, to put her in Brendi K’s shoes and to apologise. To Liz’s credit, she then went and apologised, and while Brendi said there was no ill will between them, there still totally was.

Their almost-apology was cut short by the arrival of the scripts for this week’s screen test challenge, which Tyra rudely announced off-screen after panel. The girls then split up into groups to rehearse, where Rhiyan was already on struggle street.

The next day, the girls arrived at the studio where MVP Stacey McKenzie was waiting to coach them through filming. After being introduced to their director Anthony Hemingway and co-star Kevin Phillips, the girls learnt that the winner would earn a role in their upcoming TV show. Liz and Rhiyan struggled big time, making Khrystyana even more of a breath of fresh air when she arrived and knocked it out of the park. Erin, Brendi K and Sandra highlighted just how thirsty someone can get after being locked away from people, before Coura arrived and made Liz look good. Jeana, Christina and Liberty also struggled, only for Shanice to wrap things up, change up the script and kill the challenge. Sadly for her though, Khrystyana took out the challenge … which thankfully, did not sit well with Shanice.

Back at the house, Liz was starting to breakdown after being called out for her overwhelming personality. Which is fast becoming a thing. Thankfully before it was escalated further, Tyra-mail arrived teasing the girls spooky photoshoot the next day. Thinking it was time for a nighttime montage, I was surprised to find Rhiyan also having a breakdown in the spa talking to Rio and Kyla about her need to lose weight. Rio then won my heart even more, giving her a pep talk and talking about her concern that she has body dysmorphia.

The next day Liz was still in tears after Shanice refused to let her push in front in the showers, which thankfully was cut off again. This time with the girls leaving for their hellish photoshoot at a haunted house. Sandra bumbled her was through the shoot, Khrystyana slayed again, Rhiyan was a bit too dead, Christina brought it like she was Kirsten Dunst, Rio, as always, killed it, and Brendi K and Jeana did well but that is based of five seconds a piece. Shanice tried to bring more of herself to the shoot, Liberty looked well and Erin survived an outfit designed to kill her.

Liz spent her time backstage complaining about being bullied by the girls, before ultimately pulling out a strong performance in front of the camera. On the flipside, Coura struggled. Badly. And she knew it, fearing she would be the next to go.

That night the drama continued after Liz was awoken by the other girls just after midnight. And while she didn’t really ask them in the best way, this is the first time her rage truly was justified. Despite Khrystyana trying to comfort her after Shanice yelled at her, she packed up her things and left for the night.

She reappeared the next day for panel before the other girls, where she was met with Tyra. They then spoke about Liz’s love for the competition however she said that the house wasn’t good for her mental health … and she was quitting the competition.

It was heartbreaking to see her so emotional when my girl Liz found me even further backstage, but after a Liz Bluedbury Peach Mojito or ten, everything started to feel better.

 

 

Sweet, spicy and bitter all at once, this mojito can cure everything that ails you. I mean, blueberry, rum and the peach from Call Me By Your Name – which is eaten in canon, FYI – this drink is damned near perfection.

Enjoy!

 

 

Liz Bluedbury Peach Mojito
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
2 tbsp blueberries
a couple of mint leaves
1 tbsp lime juice
60ml spiced rum
½ a peach, sliced
ice
tonic, to taste
dash of bitters
1 lime, quartered, to garnish

Method
Place blueberries and mint in a cocktail shaker, and muddle with the lime juice.

Add the rum, peach and ice, and shake with vigour.

Pour into a glass, top with tonic, a dash of quitter’s bitters and a wedge of lime … then guzzle down.

 

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Joanna Rumley Raisin Ice Cream

Ab Fab’s 25th Birthday, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Can you believe it is over already? After marking the 25th anniversary of Ab Fab by catching up with Jen … then Jane, Jules and yesterday June, I can’t believe we’re at the end of our road. And I tell you, I’m struggling to let go … though I am super, super thankful that we’re finishing with my dear friend and ex-lover – when in drag – Joanna Lumley.

I’ve always loved Jo, and not only because we met in ‘69 – giggity – on the set of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. I was dating a then unknown George Lazenby and quickly dropped him to form a powerful clique with Diana Rigg and Jo, and we’ve been the best of friends ever since.

When Jen and I were getting to work casting Ab Fab, I knew that Jo was the only person that could possibly play the role – after Jen said I was too beautiful for the role, obvi. While I was at first heartbroken to have missed out on the role of a lifetime, me – did I mentioned Patsy was based on me? – I knew Jo would do me justice, so I uncharacteristically remained friends with her.

Jo has been super busy lately with her film appearances and legitimately amaze documentaries, so we’ve been unable to catch-up since the Ab Fab movie premiere. She ran into my arms as soon as she saw me at the airport, congratulating me on not punching anyone out during our victorious marriage survey. And also because she missed me so terribly.

We laughed, we cried tears of joy, we plotted to convince Jen to write a sequel, we reminisced and most importantly, we made ourselves sick on the huge bowls of Joanna Rumley Raisin Ice Cream.

 

 

You didn’t think I’m get through the date without bringing liquor into the occasion, did you? One of the more underrated ice cream flavours, this perfectly balances the sweetness of the vanilla ice cream, with the punch of the boozed fruit. And everything is better for it.

To Ab Fab – enjoy, sweetie!

 

 

Joanna Rumley Raisin Ice Cream
Makes: 2L.

Ingredients
1 cup raisins
100ml spiced rum
600ml thickened cream
395g condensed milk
2 tbsp vanilla essence

Method
Place the raisins and rum in a small saucepan over medium heat and bring to the boil for a couple of minutes. Remove from the heat and cool completely.

Whisk the remaining ingredients together until soft peaks form. And fold through the cooled raisins and sticky liquid.

Transfer to airtight containers and freeze overnight, or for six hours or so.

Then devour, greedily, darling.

 

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Mojitony Deane

Drink, Survivor NZ: Nicaragua, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor New Zealand, Shay flipped on her alliance for the second time, at her second tribal, sending a well pissed Tony to redemption island. The next day those not in purgatory competed in their first reward challenge, where Mogoton continued their losing streak. Meanwhile on redemption, Tony made quick work of the duel sending my queen Hannah out of the game.

We opened up back at Mogoton where Sala and Lou spoke about what went down at the duel and his threats for Shay’s blood, scaring the shit out of Shay. Given that he was out for blood though, I get it. Meanwhile Georgia and Shannon decided it was best to keep the juicy intel from the rest of the Hermosa helping Shannon in her quest to be my new queen.

Oh and Tony was still calling for blood on redemption … while sharpening a knife. I thought he was sweet, but that’s some scary shit.

Hermosa sat down to the first of their two meals for the day, confusing Nate and Barb who couldn’t understand why they’d bother eating twice a day for four days when they’re barely a week into a 40 day competition. Sadly though, they’re screwed if they ever lose a challenge.

Back at Mogoton Izzy got to work whipping up a sand cake in honour of Sala’s daughter’s birthday. I was going to throw some serious shade about the cake until seeing how it touched Sala … which in turn touched me. You got lucky, Izzy!

We returned to Hermosa where Lee’s hair was looking fucking stunning. THEN he decided to go fishing in short shorts. Ladies and gentleman, I think we have a winner of my heart! There was then a lot of poo talk which made me and my nieces and nephews thrilled – if they watched – though it ended up backfiring on Jak, with Barb sick of his attempted humour.

Over at Mogoton Lou and Avi went for a walk to talk strategy, planning to keep stringing Tom along to pull in the numbers with Sala, begging the question how does Shay flip if she isn’t a part of the majority?

Matty Boy – is that a nickname? More importantly, is he worthy of one – arrived to lord of the immunity challenge where tribe members had to square off against someone from the other tribe by holding themselves up between two walls on small footholds.

Lee’s hair continued to look glorious, though I also started to realise that Tom is also pretty banging. Did I mention no one dropped out on the first two footholds? Because they didn’t. Avi was the first to drop not long after transitioning to the thinnest foothold, followed by Lee – with a hairflick, swoon. Izzy hit the deck not long after, which is the best thing to say with a kiwi accent. After a lengthy struggle Tom gave out leaving poor Lou to battle it out for her tribe solo. Despite some excitement with Shannon falling out and it starting to rain – which made Mike also look banging, the water glistening over his flexing muscles …

Oh and then poor Lou dropped, handing Hermosa immunity and giving Shay the opportunity to make a new alliance that she can flip on!

Back at camp, Hermosa were loving themselves sick, sitting under their tarp and gloating about their continuing winning streak. Thankfully nature threw Mogoton a bone and the rain stopped, though not after destroying poor Shay’s scriptures.

Lou, Izzy and Shay broke away from the boys to discuss the upcoming tribal where Shay continued to push for Tom, which is something neither Izzy or Lou seem keen on. Avi and Sala got together and vowed to vote Izzy, Tom dropped by and wasn’t keen to boot Izzy, instead wanting to get rid of Shay. Avi then went to talk to Lou and Shay, where the latter verbalised wanting to boot Tom putting Avi in a difficult position. Shay and Avi then went for a walk where Avi worked overtime to save Tom, which Shay still isn’t buying into.

Avi delivered the news to Tom, who was disappointed that it was coming down to him and Izzy, though not disappointed enough to get her, Avi and Lou to get rid of Shay. As they prepared for their date with Matt, Izzy gave a last ditch plea to Avi after he announced that they would be voting her out. After Izzy was clearly upset by Avi’s news, Tom got to work on the obvious solution and went to the girls to join he and Avi to boot Shay, completing the circle of confusion before heading off to tribal.

At tribal Shay and Avi spoke about being disappointed by their losses, though not defeated. Tom then gave a great read on the situation over at Hermosa, low-key proving he is an asset and a huge threat going into the merge. Lou outlined that she trusted everyone while Izzy announced that she was pretty confident that she would be getting the boot.

Sadly for her she was correct, sending her to redemption island to stew in her rage with Tony. Thankfully Tony welcomed her with open arms, not shocking Tony since Shay is obviously the wicked witch of the west. That being said, I assume he was just happy to have some company given his monologue after she arrived.

Back at camp Mogoton continued to feel sorry for themselves, except for Tom who was only saved by Shay’s last minute flipping. I KID YOU NOT!

The next day Hermosa were still riding on the high of their victories, already losing the ability to count the number of days despite eating two meals a day. Jak and Mike pulled Shannon, Lee and Georgia aside to discuss throwing the next immunity challenge to get rid of Barb or Nate, breaking my heart in the process. Thankfully though Shannon continued to be the likeable voice of reason, with her countering the fact that while throwing a challenge is a bad idea, Nate will flip on them in a heartbeat and it sadly makes sense. Barb however noticed that Shannon had dropped she and Nate, leaving the olds desperate to fight for the next immunity.

Over at Mogoton, Tom and Avi ran through their option to call out Matt and get him to rotate the sit-outs on Hermosa to give them a shot. Obviously that lead into the next reward challenge where Hermosa were shocked to discover that Izzy was the one voted out at the last tribal.

The challenge is one of my faves for smutty puns, where one member of each tribe has to pitch their balls for the rest of their tribe to catch. Balls, pitching and catching – what more could a guy ask for? Sala and Shay got Mogoton out to an early lead, taking three balls before Hermosa even took one … surprisingly caught by Jak. Sala got another, Lee and his torn apart shorts got in on the action before Sala proved the most skilled with balls, snagging Mogoton with their first challenge victory of the season.

Back at camp Hermosa weren’t taking the end of their losing streak very well, with Mike quick to point out that Nate was absolutely useless in the challenge. Mike and Georgia discussed how best to ration their food, vowing to cut down tomorrow like literally every person on a diet.

It was a different story over at Mogoton where everyone looked happy for the first time in nine days. To add insult to Hermosa’s injuries, Georgia’s fears were confirmed with Mogoton gloating about how much food they have remaining … without even taking into account the huge fishing kit they just won in the reward challenge. That night Lou announced that she had sliced her foot on a rock the day earlier and that it was already looking nasty and infected, which is never a good thing on Survivor.

The next day they put their fishing net to good use, catching a fish for everyone and adding to their insane food haul. Lou however couldn’t care less, with her infection making her feel lethargic and sick.

Over at Hermosa, Georgia and Mike were desperately scouring the beach for anything that looked remotely edible. While they found some dragon fruit, which they were able to make into a sweet smoothie with rice. Jak however was not having a bar of it, despite the fact that it looked like Nate and Barb weren’t given the opportunity to eat anything and he could have offered it to them.

At redemption island, Izzy and Tony were having a chat as they packed their bags … and by that, Tony spoke at Izzy while she sat in silence wishing the duel would arrive and grant her silence or allow her to make a break for freedom out of the game. Thankfully for her, Matt arrived for the duel where they were each tethered to a rope wrapped around two wooden obstacles.

Before they got to work, Tony continued to use his words – a lot of words – while attacking Shay. On the flipside, Izzy couldn’t be bothered dwelling on her post-boot anger and instead focused on the duel. She got out to an early lead and despite Tony’s best attempts to catch-up, he wasn’t able to make up the ground giving Izzy the victory and sending Tony out of the game as the third boot.

While he was super disappointed to be out of the game, he was thrilled to have someone to talk to. Given my passion for rambling however I wasn’t so sure, so quickly whipped up a cheeky Mojitony Deane.

 

 

Now I’m normally not a huge fan of anything rum but this baby is so tropical and refreshing, I just can’t go past it.

Plus, let’s be honest, I’d suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick … so enjoy?

 

 

Mojitony Deane
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
½ fresh lime, cut into four wedges
a couple of fresh mint leaves
a pinch of raw caster sugar
2 shots white rum
cubed ice
soda water, to top

Method
Place the lime, mint and sugar in the bottom of a highball and briefly muddle.

Top with the rum, ice and top up with the soda water.

Give a quick swizzle and down.

 

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Eve Plumb Pudding

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Oh my goodness – I didn’t realise losing Florence Henderson would be this hard.

As one of my first loves, I always knew my heart would break but given we were never able to launch a spin-off of her Retirement Living cooking show – which would have looked suspiciously like Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party – I’m distraught that I couldn’t help add a final jewel in the crown of her TV legacy.

But alas, this isn’t all about our dearly departed Florence …  and that is in no small part, thanks to the beautiful, caring support of my dear friend Eve Plumb, who helped me work through my grief.

As you know, Annelie and I connected with The Bradys via Mo and were cast as the worse versions of cousin Oliver. While we were wiped from the show’s history, we remained close with the kids – particularly Evie.

Like her character on the Bunch – oh, have I never mentioned we all called it the Bunch on set? ‘Cause we did – Eves was always the most down to earth (albeit a little jealous) member of the cast, and she took me under her wing and tried to help me through my multiple addictions and countless scandals throughout the years.

Fun fact: I am the one who got her into painting … which I took up when in rehab with my gal pal, Caz Fish.

I hadn’t seen Evie since her appearance in the Emmy Award winning production Grease: Live and was looking forward to toasting to her success and was on the phone to her when we heard about dear Flo’s passing.

It completely knocked me, I broke down and Evie knew that she was the only one that would be able to help me snap out of it – we actually inspired that scene in Moonstruck – and process my grief.

Of course, Eves was right about helping me, though making and devouring my Eve Plumb Pudding – as you probably guessed on Monday – should also take some of the credit, given its proven therapeutic benefits when it comes to helping process grief. In addition to being delicious.

(Talking about our sodden appearance on Sally Jessy also lifted our spirits, obviously … but that isn’t necessary to this story).

 

eve-plumb-pudding-1

 

I used to make this pud on set – which is pieced together from my grandmother’s handwritten par-recipe – every year to celebrate filming the last episode before our break and it was everything you want from Christmas and more – fruity, rich and ready to stuff you up … it sounds like everything I want in a man.

Enjoy!

 

eve-plumb-pudding-2

 

Eve Plumb Pudding
Serves: 2 mourners.

Ingredients
400g raisins
300g currants
150g sultanas
100g prunes, roughly chopped
100g dates, roughly chopped
250ml spiced rum
250g butter, at room temperature, plus extra to grease
1 cup muscovado sugar
1 tsp vanilla essence
4 eggs
2 ½ cups flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp mixed spice
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp ground ginger
½ tsp nutmeg
¼ tsp ground cloves
Brandy custard, to serve

Method
This takes some planning ahead, ok? So I apologise, but place the fruit in a large bowl with the rum and leave to steep overnight to a day – the longer the better, you want that fruit completely written off.

Grease a two litre capacity pudding basin with extra, soft butter and line the base with a circle of non-stick paper. Leave aside.

In a stand mixer, cream the butter and sugar together until pale, fluffy and creamy. Add vanilla and each egg, one at a time, beating well after each addition.

Combine all the dry ingredients in a bowl and fold through the pulsating-ly fluffy egg, butter and sugar mix. Fold through the boozed up fruits and pour the batter into the prepared pudding basin.

Now for the fun – lol – place an upturned saucer – or something low and heatproof that fits – in the base of a large saucepan. Half fill the pot with kettle-boiled water and simmer over low heat.

While that is getting bubbly, cut a large square of non-stick paper and an equally sized square of foil. Fold them together, pleating at the middle to secure and place over the lid of the basin, foil side up. Press it down tightly and secure with kitchen twine like a poorly wrapped christmas present.

Lower the basin until the non-chalantly bubbling water – adding more if the tide is not high. Cover the pot as securely as possible and steam for 4 hours, or until an inserted skewer comes out clean. Check on the pot throughout cooking and top with more boiling water as required – use your judgement.

Remove from the basin, allow to rest for about half an hour and turn out.

Top with warmed brandy custard … which reminds me, I need to make a call.

Obviously you can devour while I’m on the phone – maybe check back over the weekend?

 

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Mai Tai Trang

Drink, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

After Cyd went out in, well technically without, flames, we returned to camp – after spending a bit of time with Cyd’s buff mum – where Aubry discussed her ability to pull it out and Michele was concerned about Tai’s decision to save Aubry and what that means to her potential victory.

Echoing the audience at home, Tai questioned whether it was a final two or a three given Probst’s cryptic wording.

Ultimately though it was classic Probst just being classic, as a new twist was unleashed where the final three competed for the right to vote out a juror. After a tight race, Michele continued her low-key – is that her motto? – string of challenge wins and after hearing Aubry and Tai’s compelling arguments, sent a guaranteed and persuasive Aubry voter, Neal, packing.

Ultimately though, it didn’t impacted the outcome as my dear friend Tai continued in the hallowed tradition of Becky Lee by getting zero votes at final tribal council.

I first connected with Tai while staging my own one-man, zero audience, independent adaptation of A Midsummer Night’s Dream in San Fran’s Golden Gate Park. Given his gentle, loving spirit Tai would offer me support as he went about his job. You could argue that his kindness is responsible for my excessive, irritating self-confidence.

Tai was upset after final tribal, not because he lost but because he had just said goodbye to his dear friend and surrogate son #MarkTheChicken. After assuring him that he should be proud of his game – and that I had no chicken recipes for the top two – he started to perk back up.

My miracle, liquid elixir – which is just butt-loads of alcohol, dressed up with tropical mixers – may have had something to do with that though. Either way, my Mai Tai Trang was just what doc-Tai ordered.

 

mai-tai-trang-1

 

I was very depressed by the lack of audience for my performance back in San Fran, which resulted in my downing a morning mai tai to give me the courage to continue with my dreams. After connecting with Tai, I started to double the batch as a way to say thank you … for being a friend.

Give the light, fresh flavours and a good whack of booze, it is also the perfect way to down your sorrows after snagging no final tribal council votes.

Enjoy.

 

mai-tai-trang-2

 

Mai Tai Trang
Serves: 1-2, depending on the mood.

Ingredients
60ml spiced rum
25ml freshly squeezed lime juice
20ml orange curacao
10ml orgeat
crushed ice
mint sprig, to garnish … or if you forgot, a lime wedge

Method
Combine all liquid in a cocktail shaker, shake.

Place some crushed ice in the base of a glass, top with the booze, garnish with mint … or the aforementioned lime wedge and wash away your sorrows.

 

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Rumball Jenner

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Sweets

Although we are putting on a delicious Christmas spread for her, Kenny Jenner actually really owes us one.

Kendall, or Kenny as she goes by with her inner circle, had the honour of featuring on the Victoria’s Secret runway this year. Did she look amazing? Yes. Did she deserve the opportunity to strut her stuff? Totally. Would she have gotten there without us? No way!

You see, Victoria’s Secret had been positioning our nemesis Ariana Grande to take one of the esteemed runway spots this year. Ariana was invited to perform at the 2014 show as a primer for a walking gig in 2015 – a spot Kenny was desperately coveting. As we had insider goss, we came up with a plan so beautiful the likes of it hadn’t been seen since Fabio copped a goose to the face (also our doing).

You guessed it – we got that bitch wing-slapped. Let’s  be honest, no-one wants this face sauntering down the runway. Kenny was officially in for 2015!

While we haven’t decided how she can repay us just yet, it is the season of giving and it is high time to gift Kenny with our glorious presence again.

 

IMG_5635

 

Rumball Jenner is the perfect Christmas snack to share with one of the ballsiest bitches around!

 

IMG_5641

 

Rumball Jenner
Makes: 20.

Ingredients
250g marie biscuits
1 x 395g can sweetened condensed milk
4 tbsp unsweetened dutch cocoa
2 tbsp rum
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup coconut, divided in half

Method
In a food processor, process marie biscuits until fine crumbs form. Add cocoa and half of coconut and pulse until just combined. Tip mixture into a large bowl.

Add rum, sweetened condensed milk and vanilla extract to dry mixture and stir until combined.

Roll heaped tablespoons of mixture into balls and roll in extra coconut. Refrigerate until firm.

 

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