Truffllan Ball

Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Chrissy and Ben ran the show at the heroes tribe while Alan quickly threw his alliance with Ashley and JP away as quickly as he made the latter remove his pants. Swoon. Meanwhile the healers camp doubled as love island with Cole and Jessica trading as many kisses as they did secrets. Of course that meant shit was happening at the hustlers, where Lauren and Patrick continued to feud before the latter’s craziness lead to his (rump’s tragic) boot.

Wanting to get straight in on the action, Jeff returned for the first reward of the season where – wait a minute, I’ve been bamboozled! – he followed Alan’s lead and got everyone to drop their buffs. Yes peeps, it’s switchin’ time! New Levu was made up of feuding Ashley and Alan, Desi who we’re yet to meet, low-rent Tony and Devon, who is 90% torso. Roark welcomed Ryan, Ali, Chrissy and JP on to new Soko leaving Yawa to be made up of the lovebirds, Mike, Queen Lauren and Ben, screwing the latter two.

With that out of the way, the tribes were required to untangle a rope that they’re tethered to before pulling a sled full of puzzle pieces towards them and obviously, a puzzle, for PB&J and chips. Getting in the spirit of ABBA, Probst announced that the winner would be taking all today, leaving second and third to bond over their starvation. New Yawa got out to an early lead thanks to the dominant work of Lauren, Ben and Cole, with Soko following closely behind while Alan, Ashley and Joe struggled. Drastically. While they eventually caught up, Yawa continued to extend their lead and snatched those sambos from the other tribes.

Back at camp, new Yawa got to work celebrating their victory and devouring their bounty. While Cole got to work introducing himself, his girlfriend Jessica discovered a secret advantage hidden in her bag of chips, allowing her to block someone’s vote at the next tribal. If Yawa don’t attend, she then has the luxury of anonymously bequeathing said advantage to someone on the losing tribe, which is mighty powerful given the swap. She then took her news straight to Cole and Mike, with Cole deciding that the best thing to do was to take said information to Ben and Lauren to build trust … DESPITE THEM BEING THE TWO PEOPLE SHE WOULD USE IT AGAINST ON THEIR TRIBE. Bless those nips, that is a stupid decision.

Lauren obviously wasn’t feeling the decision, knowing he was trying to win them over and instead vowed to use that information against him. That is how you play you beautiful idiot, Cole.

Meanwhile over at new Soko, Roark was feeling overrun by outsiders being the only healer on the tribe. Being united, Ryan pulled Chrissy aside to confess the fact he gave her the super idol back in episode one. They then formed an alliance and are my new ship, Chryan?

Things on Levu were already looking dangerous, as Desi identified Devon as an easy target or swing vote in her upcoming war against Ashley and Alan. Little does she know, that Ashley is not thrilled to continue to live with Alan. While they pretended like everything was good, Desi and Joe got to work trying to convince Devon that they were his only option. Sadly for Joe, Devon didn’t seem to believe his (aggressive) lie that the ex-heroes approached them to get rid of him should they lose. Which we should all know by now, they will.

Back at Yawa Lauren and Ben got to work wooing Mike to their side, with Lauren asking whether he had heard anything about an advantage. She then outed knowing about it, sending Mike running out to the lovebirds – who were fishing on the reef – to see who spilled the beans. Despite denying it when Mike was around, Cole eventually came clean to Jessica hurting her in the process and making her question their relationship. While that is incredibly naive and innocent, she is adorable, I love her and I want to make her hot chocolate and watch rom coms together and cry.

Hearing I was suffering, Jeff returned for the immunity challenge where each tribe had to maneuver a tray of puzzle pieces through an obstacle course before unlocking more pieces and, obvi, completing the puzzle. Devon quickly stabbed his dick on the first obstacle, as Alan smashed the tray around, thankfully getting them an early lead. Yawa quickly caught up, leaving Soko to slowly fall out of the challenge. Thankfully Chrissy dominated the lock section of the challenge, leaving Levu to fall behind as Yawa dominated the puzzle and secured immunity followed closely by Soko.

New Levu quickly got to work scrambling for Devon’s affections, with Ashley taking him for a walk to the well where Joe’s lie was officially outed. While the heroes and hustlers alliance seemed locked, Desi spotted them hugging be the well and took the information to Joe who decided to get the votes directed towards him so that he can idol someone out of the game. He then went into camp and brought back Alan’s crazy eyes, as he got everyone to talk about who they should vote out, pissing everyone off. While Desi was heartbroken that he blew up their games, he told her that he came in strong to draw the target on him, which she informed him just makes it more obvious that he has the idol. Devon went to pack his back on the way to tribal where he discovered that Jessica gave him the advantage, begging the question, how does that benefit her fellow healers?

At tribal, Alan was quick to point out Joe had out-crazied both him and Patrick as he threw Ashley’s name on the block. Out of nowhere, Ashley gave a great summation of the situation, saying that he felt she was the easiest target and seemed to get that confused with her being the weakest link. Desi then mentioned that Joe’s madness pulled her under the bus with him – I assume it’s the same one that Kelley pushed Terry under – making her a target if anyone is paranoid about the idol. Devon then spoke about being the swing vote, before each side confirmed that they will not be budging.

Jeff then sent them off to vote when Devon put a stop to the proceedings, bringing out his advantage which, plot twist, was actually a disadvantage, with his vote being blocked and the two pairs left to go head to head. As the votes were about to be read, Joe pulled out his idol and used his psychic abilities by staring down Ashley to successfully play it for himself, sending Alan out of the game as the fourth boot.

As you know because of my friendships with the Culpeppers (and Brad, blerg), I’ve long been an NFL mainstay, which is where I met and fell in love with Alan Ball over our mutual passion for men dropping trou. While we haven’t caught up recently, he and I were both so grateful to have me in Fiji to dull his swap-fucked pain with a big batch of my Truffllan Balls.

 

 

Firstly, I would like to apologise for not taking any chopped nuts with me to Fiji – those babies would have been the perfect addition to the truffles, whilst also highlighting the nuttiness of Alan. In any addition, they’re rich and tasty … and as smooth and salty as his abs after 11 days on the island. In a good way.

Enjoy!

 

 

Truffllan Ball
Serves: 4-12, no judgement.

Ingredients
300ml double cream
350g dark chocolate, chopped
2 tbsp smooth peanut butter
1 tsp salt
cocoa powder or chopped roasted peanuts, for rolling

Method
Bring the cream to the boil in a small saucepan over a medium heat. Once hot, remove from the heat and whisk through the chocolate, peanut butter and salt until smooth. Allow to cool slightly before pouring into a lined baking tray and transferring to the fridge to set.

Once chill – unlike Alan on the island – and set – like his abs, though – grab a melon baller or two teaspoons and shape the ganache into balls before rolling in the cocoa or chopped nuts. Place on another lined tray and transfer to the fridge to set for half an hour before serving and/or devouring.

 

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Alfredo Enoch

Main, Pasta, Vegetarian

Oy – how sweet my dear Alfie is!

As you know, Alfie awakened my sexuality way back when in 2001. I had hated the idea of wizardy but then he showed me his wand on the set and I instantly became a fan. You could say it was the moment I became woke.

While Dan, Em, Rups and – swoon – Tom were the stars of the actors of our generation, I only had eyes for Alfs and we spent all of our time on sent hanging out, connecting, exploring our chambers of secrets and marvelling at our pendulous philosopher’s stones.

Given that Alfie went – essentially – straight from Harry Potter to How to Get Away with Murder (plus I was banned from the UK from ‘11-’14 … so I couldn’t reach out), we haven’t been able to spend much time together since the good old Hogtiedwarts days.

It was the Ekka holiday here is Brisbane yesterday, so I obviously took Alfs straight from the airport to the show – to warm up on some Snoop Daggywood Doggs, obvi – before stopping at home to plot where his career can go post that strangely-sexual relationship he had with Academy Award Winner Viola Davis.

Since I don’t want to spoil any of our genius options or ruin his opportunities, all I can say is that you haven’t seen the last of Alfie, nor have you seen the last of my Alfredo Enoch.

 

 

There is something so nostalgic about slurping down some creamy pasta with a shirtless Alfie. Even without that delicious visual though, this meal would be a winner – hearty, comforty and delicately cheesey with a good punch of garlic, you really can’t go wrong.

Though it is better off a plate of chiselled abs.

Enjoy!

 

 

Alfredo Enoch
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g fettuccine
125g unsalted butter
2 garlic cloves, minced
small handful of flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
1 cup double cream
1 cup pecorino, grated
1 large egg yolk
salt and pepper, to taste
extra pecorino or parmesan, to serve

Method
Bring a pot of salted water to the boil over high heat. Once aggressively boiling away, add the pasta and cook as per packet instructions.

Meanwhile, melt the butter in a medium saucepan over low heat until starting to foam. Add the garlic and cook, stirring, for a couple of minutes before adding the parsley. Slowly pour in the cream and cheese and stir until the latter is completely melted. Remove from the heat and whisk through the yolk and season with a good whack of salt and pepper. Return to the heat and cook until slightly thickened.

By that point, the pasta should be done so drain in a colander and return to the pot, off the heat. Pour over the sauce, toss to combine and serve immediately. Cover in extra cheese and devour, nostalgically.

 

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Mochate Temby Ice Cream

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, 24 strangers were marooned in Samoa with Locky continuing to buck my trend of only backing middle-aged women to be my firm favourite. Emphasis on firm, given his second straight episode of nudity. Tara, Jacqui and Henry were also amazing, the latter two finding the Asaga idol together. At Samatau Adam wasn’t so lucky on his idol hunt, with AK snatching it from under his nose, questionably playing it on Jarrad, and Adam becoming the second boot.

Back at camp Samatau congratulated AK on his move slash surviving tribal and it seems the plan to secure Jarrad’s loyalty was paying since Jarrad is too nice to turn on him. Sadly Locky kept his pants on for the entire pre-credits scene. Should we start a prayer circle? Dearest RuPaul … sorry, wrong show.

Just like that, Luke and Jericho had some nocturnal cuddles through the night at Asaga and my belief in RuPaul, gay god, was reconfirmed. On the hetero end of the spectrum, Sam and Mark snuggled through the night and made themselves targets. Isn’t it nice that Survivor is the one game where being a heterosexual couple is considered an issue?

The next day, Locky and Jarrad spoke about Tessa and Kate being on the out, finally introducing us to Dr Tessa … who was well pissed about Tara flipping on their alliance. The boys were feeling very confident in their misfits alliance – I love living in a world where someone that looks like Locky is a misfit – while Tessa and Kate cornered Tara to find out where they stood, and we learnt that Tara is more across everything that is going on than her tribe mates give her credit for.

Over at the couples retreat that is Asaga, Mark W spoke about having a crush on Sam, though acknowledged she was dangerous. Michelle was jealous to not have that kind of love on the outside – it is day seven Mich and this is not The Bachelor – while Henry and Jacqui discussed the possibility of using their idol to get rid of Sam and break them up. Side note: wouldn’t that be an amazing twist on The Bachelor? Jacry entering the mansion to sabotage budding couples?!

Wanting to putting an end to my corporate cross-promotion of the Bachelor, JLP arrived for the reward challenge where Jacs thought getting rid of Adam was a dud move on Samatau’s part. Anneliese tried to defend the decision, but her umming and ahhing wastn’t overly convincing. Continuing in the killer challenge tradition, the tribes had to push a giant balls through obstacles, push it over a bridge, have two tribe members mount and ride it between two platforms, toss some rings to drop a ramp and allow the remaining tribe mates to push it up an incline and into a hole, for comfort and a tarp. Which is pretty much what I do with my balls for comfort, so it all makes perfect sense.

Asaga got out to an early lead with the obstacle before Jarrad dominating riding the balls, overtaking Jacqui and giving Samatau the lead. Despite Jericho’s best efforts to catch-up, Samatau took out victory … and almost Ziggy, as she followed the ball into the hole. Locky was not happy – swoon – about the her almost injury and told Mark H he needs to listen and pull it back, setting up a feud that I’d rather not witness as I kinda dig Australia’s Tarzan. Plus if anyone needed to be yelled at, it is Locky … for keeping his pants on.

Back at camp Mark H – who henceforward I will agree to called Tarzan – spoke about Locky feeling threatened by him and decided to have some fun, throwing shade at Locky’s shelter building ability. It may be my rose coloured glasses, but I feel like Locky still came off as the good guy in this sitch.

Meanwhile over at Asaga, Sam started to realise that being a coupled up control freak isn’t the best in this game. She then proceeded to approach literally every person in the tribe about whether they have heard her name thrown around, which Odette, Jacqui and Kent handled with ease and Sarah went up in my books by telling her straight up, that running around talking to everyone is making her look paranoid.

Kate and Tessa were still scrambling over at Samatau, plotting about which crack to target to get an in with the tribe – enter AK, stage right! Kate pulled him aside to point out that he is on the bottom of the current majority and should flip, which is completely logical except she was kinda patronising about it, so I don’t know if he’ll actually listen. While this went down, Tarzan and Locky brooded at opposite ends of the beach, post-fight, which Tessa used to her advantage, seeing if Tarzan was feeling ok and seamlessly transitioned into propositioning him to go idol hunting with her later on, as people wouldn’t question him poking around the jungle.

Back at Asaga, Sam continued to act extremely paranoid and pulled Henry and Jacqui aside to reconfirm their alliance by the fire. While it was hardly a success, she was perceptive enough to notice that Henry and Jacqui are closer than people think. Playing the role of guard dog well, Mark W followed Jacry to the well to make sure they weren’t plotting against them. They then returned to camp and were greeted by Kent informing them Mark was definitely sent on Sam’s behalf, firmly planting the target on her back for Jacqui and Henry vowing to throw the challenge. Mark – no pun intended – my words, don’t cross Jacry.

On that note, JLP returned for said immunity challenge where Henry reconfirmed that he will be throwing the challenge, Ziggy and Peter pointed out their reward tarp was quite small and Michelle mentioned she hates roughing it, which I get, but it’s a terrible thing to say before an immunity challenge. Said challenge, required the tribes to row a raft out around crates, diving into the water to retrieve keys, returning to the shore, releasing wood and working the wood into a bigger tower than a guide pole.

Samatau got out to an early lead thanks to Locky’s lead, while Asaga fell behind thanks to Henry’s deliberately awful leadership. Despite poor Kent’s best efforts with the knots Samatau returned to the beach well before Henry left Asaga tethered to the mooring and then acted as a brake on the row back to the beach. Asaga returned to the beach while Samatau’s tower was well above the height of people, but miraculously caught up and took home immunity, much to Henry’s dismay.

A defeated Samatau returned to camp to commence scrambling, with Tessa and Kate clearly on the outs as the mega-alliance of eight decided to get rid of Tessa at tribal. As soon as they broke up, Tessa pounced on AK and Jarrad and got to work trying to convince them to flip and get rid of Tara with she, Kate and Tarzan. Not wanting to rest on their laurels, they then approached Locky to try and get him to flip for shits and giggles. Tara and Tessa got together to acknowledge they were both targeting each other, with Tara rightfully pointing out that she told Adam she was out and didn’t actually flip and the tension kind diffused … which obviously meant it was time for tribal.

Jonathan started off by rubbing salt in their wounds, pointing out they have a habit of blowing early leads. Aimee was too focused to notice Asaga catching up, aye, while Tarzan pointed out that it sometimes is just the luck of the day and that the tribe definitely needs to come together as a single tribe. AK agreed, which got some laughs from JLP since he was on the bottom last episode, before Tessa launched into an attack on Tara which backfired completely, with her allies coming to her defense. While Kate played the situation quite well, Tessa continued to attack Tara for flipping which Peter pointed out is ironic, since that is what she wants AK to do to save her.

The votes quickly piled up on Tessa and Kate, with Tessa somehow surviving the vote and Kate sent out of the game as the third boot. I’ve known Kate for years, meeting in Västervik in Sweden while she was working as an investment banker. While she deemed me and my plan to sell naked images of my boyfriend Skarsy a bad investment (something about needing his consent, which was not part of the business plan), she did appreciate me trying to sweeten the deal with some Mochate Temby Ice Cream.

 

 

This no-churn ice cream is the perfect dessert, requiring minimal effort for maximum gain. The intense coffee flavour smacks you in the face, while the chocolate biscuits soften the flavour and give some much needed crunch. And, well, the entire mocha element I guess.

Enjoy!

 

 

Mochate Temby Ice Cream
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
600ml double cream
395g condensed milk
¼ cup instant espresso powder
¼ cup cooled espresso or Tia Maria
250g chocolate biscuits, crushed

Method
Whisk the double cream, condensed milk, espresso powder and coffee or Tia Maria until soft peaks form. Do not over whip or it will become too firm.

Fold through the chocolate biscuits, decant into an airtight container and freeze overnight.

Then, if you were able to wait, devour.

 

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Mikey Sparrokey Ice Cream

Dessert, Snack, Survivor NZ: Nicaragua, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor New Zealand, a new challenge beast emerged in Barbs getting her head back in the game … briefly, before joining Avi and Tom to get rid of Nate and hand victory to one of the boys. Nate buried the hatchet with Mike and Jak on redemption island, which may come in handy since Jak dropped his coins and Nate returned to the game with Mike.

Back at camp the weather was hella gloomy, probably mirroring the feelings of Avi and Tom … which Mike picked up. Tom was feeling safe after surviving the previous tribal council without immunity, while Nate was feeling nervous – obviously – since he was booted by three of the five remaining players less than 48 hours ago.

Tom and Avi hung out playing cards on a blanket, while Barb perched in place in the hammock. Tom was glad Jak didn’t return to the game, which is obvious since that is one vote he has locked up. Avi then threw a curveball and mentioned that maybe going to the end with Tom and Mike would be a good idea, since they would split the boys votes. Which makes me super angry because it would come at the expense of queen Barb.

Nate and Mike were rightfully feeling on the outs, knowing that they’re only hope was Mike winning immunity and them somehow convincing Barbs to flip on the boys she is trying to help win. Which is obviously super unlikely, but goals hey?

Matt decided to join the fray for the immunity challenge, requiring the final final five to stand a series of blocks on a teetering tray held stable by them on the end of a rope – you know it, it is in most seasons of Survivor. Queen Barbs got out to an early lead … until she wasn’t, Mike then took the lead … until he wasn’t. Tom then closed the gap and overtook the serial droppers, taking out his US record equalling fifth immunity win. Hopefully that doesn’t foreshadow him becoming a runner up like Colby, Ozzy and Culpepper.

Back at camp Barb and Avi were quick to congratulate Tom, while Mike was feeling a wee bit more dejected. Mike approached Barb in her hammock throne and proved that 17 days on redemption haven’t helped his ability to scramble. He then bitched and moaned about her gameplay and age in confessionals, inciting my rage despite dem nips.

He then tried his luck with Nate who honestly just didn’t seem to give any fucks. He still hopes to win though, he is just bored with Mike.

Mike continued to talk about convincing Nate and Barb to join him in voting out RV, which I think he actually believes is Avi’s name. He then had a crack at trying to sway RV, though I don’t think it will happen … SINCE HE DOESN’T KNOW HIS NAME. Though realistically, it is in Avi’s best interests.

Avi then caught up with someone who knows his name, Tom, and spilled all the goss, terrifying Tom and me. Because let’s be honest, Tom is the only hope we have if Barbs doesn’t win. Everyone then gave some ambiguous grabs as we heading to tribal, though the outcome is still somewhat obvious.

Matt pointed out that Mike has spent most of the game on redemption island before the latter took the opportunity and ran with it, giving an arrogant monologue that highlighted how little he knows about the tribe’s dynamic. He derided Barb’s game, saying she rode the coattails of Tom and this fictitious player RV, and would never win. Barb then went in for Mike and pointed out that once again, she is the one casting the deciding vote and berated his stupidity. Essentially. Tom then support Barb, again carrying her I assume, before Barbs returned to berating Mike, highlighting that being disrespectful isn’t the best way to win her over. Mike then tried to backpedal, before Barb told everyone she does not give a fuck about how the jury perceives her game … because she knows she is the dominant queen of Survivor NZ.

Nate and Avi then said some stuff, Barb was sassy before Mike continued to trash Barbs’ game and tried to force Tom to give up immunity with the power of his mind. Thankfully Tom wasn’t moved by his powers, keeping immunity as everyone joined together to vote out Mike.

But let’s pause a second to acknowledge that … HE DID IT, HE VOTED FOR RV. HE LITERALLY THOUGHT HE WAS NAMED AFTER A RECREATIONAL VEHICLE FAVOURED BY RETIREES.

While I oft swing between loving Mike (‘s nips) and hating him, his domination of redemption island was extremely impressive. As was his ability to win everyone over on their way to the jury, which probably would have worked if he made it to the end. Which he didn’t, thoughe he did earn some Mikey Sparrokey Ice Cream.

 

 

Hokey pokey is a New Zealand icon, kinda like how mIke was the icon of redemption island. Though with the whole fresh ice cream with an insane vanilla punch, paired with a tonne of honeycomb … can you really blame the Kiwis?

No, you can’t. Enjoy!

 

 

Mikey Sparrokey Ice Cream
Makes: 1L.

Ingredients
600ml double cream
375g condensed milk
3 tbsp vanilla extract
2 cups broken up honeycomb

Method
Combine the double cream, condensed milk and vanilla extract in the bowl of a stand mixer, and whisk on low until soft peaks form.

Remove from the mixer, fold through the honeycomb, transfer to a container and freeze overnight.

The next day, remove it from the freezer and devour.

 

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Brittanissippi Mudphy Pie

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Fame Hungry's American Teen Princess Pageant, Pie, Snack, Sweets

Oh how my heart is heavy! I mean, yes, I am heartbroken that our Drop Dead Gorgeous celebrations are coming to a close today … but my agony has more to do with that fact I’m whipping out the time machine to celebrate with Brittany Murphy just prior to her death.

And fuck do I miss my Brit.

We first met on the set of Clueless where Amy Heckerling said, and I quote, “we need Brit to look less pretty, more dirty and disheveled … so Ben, can we model pre-makeover Tai on you?”

While that one comment set off a feud with Ames that lasted until a few years ago – when I embraced my homeless-toddler looks – I took Brit under her wing and gave her the typical teen movie make-under. Fun fact: she could be a farmer in those clothes was a line inspired by the fight with Amy, as I staunchly defended my sexy-farmer look.

Anyway, Brits felt for my pain and we quickly bonded. Soon after I introduced her to Allison and helped her make her Broadway in A View from the Bridge, before convincing them both to join Drop Dead Gorgeous.

I still can’t believe that she has been gone for almost eight years now, and not a day goes by where I don’t miss the ability to pick up the phone and have a gossip and a laugh. Thankfully though, my invention of time travel allows me to involve her in the celebrations, pre-posthumously.

I’ve been racking my brain about when exactly to catch-up to avoid making too many changes to the timeline, and the only time that really makes sense is to drop by in 2009 aka the 10th anniversary of the movie. But tragically that also means it is five months before her death.

When I arrived in her late noughties Hollywood home, I ran into her arms and held her so hard I thought I may break her. While I wanted to scream at her to get out of the house and that girl, you in danger … I knew I couldn’t, filling the entire catch-up with a melancholic tone for me.

Thankfully my supreme acting talent didn’t let it show, as we joked and caught up on what we’d been doing recently over a Brittanissippi Mudphy Pie.

 

 

While it may not fit with the whole cook-out theme I had going to celebrate DDG and Fourth of July, there is nothing more American than a Mississippi Mud Pie. A crunchy (sop it up with a) biscuit crust, delicate cake, velvety chocolate custard and freshly whipped cream? You really can’t go wrong.

Happy Fourth of July ya’ll, now enjoy, ya here?

 

 

Brittanissippi Mudphy Pie
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
Crust
500g chocolate biscuits, crushed
⅓ cup unsalted butter, melted
Cake
¼ cup unsalted butter
200g dark chocolate, chopped
2 tbsp instant espresso powder
¼ cup strong coffee, cooled
pinch of salt
1 tbsp vanilla extract
6 eggs, separated and at room temperature
1 cup muscovado sugar
Pu-dang
¾ cup raw caster sugar
½ cup dark cocoa powder
¼ cup cornstarch
pinch of salt
4 large egg yolks
2 ½ cups whole milk
¼ cup unsalted butter
1 tbsp pure vanilla extract
½ cup dark chocolate
(Ben de La)Creme
1 cup double cream
3 tbsp raw caster sugar

Method
Preheat oven 120°C.

Combine the crust ingredients in a bowl, transfer to a pie dish and press all the way up the edge. Transfer to the freezer and chill for half an hour. Transfer straight into the oven and bake for ten minutes, or until dry. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

Crank the oven to 180°C.

Combine the butter and chocolate in a bowl and melt via double-boiler. In a different bowl, combine the espresso powder, coffee, salt and vanilla, and allow to rest. Meanwhile, place the yolks and ½ a cup of sugar in a stand mixer and whisk until combined and doubled in volume. Add the chocolate mixture and beat until combined. Scrape down the side and add the coffee mixture, and beat until just combined.

In a second bowl, whisk the egg whites until they foam. Add the remaining sugar and whisk until stiff peaks form. Combine a cup of the stiff peaks by folding through the chocolate. Add the remaining whites and fold through until combined. Pour into the crust, transfer to the oven and bake for 40 minutes, or until set but still a bit jiggly in the middle, caliente style.

No, you can’t call me fucking jiggly.

Allow to cool on a rack for an hour, before transferring to the fridge for a few hours.

While that is chilling, whisk the sugar, cocoa, cornstarch, salt and yolk in a medium saucepan before slowing whisking through the milk. Place the saucepan over medium heat and bring to the boil, whisking constantly. Boil for a minute before transferring to a bowl. Add the butter, vanilla and chocolate, whisking until combined. Allow to stand for half an hour before pressing some cling to the surface and chilling for a few hours. Once chilled, stir the pudding before transferring to the pie on top of the cake. Return to the fridge and chill.

Meanwhile, whisk the cream and caster sugar until soft peaks form. Dollop over the pie and spread to coat. Chill for half an hour before serving, generously, and devouring.

 

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Cheazy-E Bacon Cob

Bread, Dip, Party Food, Snack

Reconnecting with Pete Doherty to discuss turning our life story into a musical got me feeling all nostalgic and emotional, and as such, I felt it was high time to get the time machine out and check in with a dearly departed friend. One that I’d always wanted to spin our life story into a movie, but was never able to due to a (since ended) feud with Ice Cube.

Yep – I went back to the early ‘90s to see my boy Eazy-E.

Given his somewhat sudden death occurred during a period I was banned from entering the U.S.A., I was never able to say a final goodbye and that is something that has weighed on my soul ever since. Though not enough to keep me from getting deported/banned from the U.S. 60 times since, the latest being by the Cheeto in Chief last month.

It should come as absolutely – said in my best Gia Gunn breaking character as Kim Kardashian voice – no surprise that I grew up in Compton with the N.W.A. and was an integral member of the group … until I was asked to leave for causing too much drama with rival crews. Despite being ‘released’ from the group, it was always accepted that if Eaze is the godfather of gangsta rap, I am definitely the godmother due to our close, unshakeable bond.

Fun fact: Straight Outta Compton was written about me as a cheeky nod to the fact that I’m anything but straight. That song is so much more cerebral than people think … and really should be the anthem for next year’s pride. I mean, I’m practically the OG Babadook.

I decided it was best to go back to ‘93 at the peak of his feud with Dre, as it wouldn’t arouse any suspicion since we’d get together every few nights to talk smack about Dre and plot his downfall. I know inventing time travel is a luxury but like SpiderMan, I know that with that great power comes great responsibility and it is often hard not to try and fix the past for my friends.

I mean, I had HIV medication packed and was ready to save him, butterfly effect be damned, but I backed out after he gave a rousing speech about how everything happens for a reason, carpe diem and Dead Poet’s Society. You may not be aware, he was a passionate fan of that movie … even more so than my year nine English teacher who clearly assumed he was the second coming of Robin WIlliams’ character.

He was not … and I’m well off tangent.

Given that I knew he didn’t have long left, I decide to whip him up his favourite, extremely unhealthy dish, my Cheazy-E Bacon Cob.

 

 

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, this is not a healthy dish … but damn is it delicious. I mean, there is no way any combination of cheese and bacon could go wrong.

Just remember, this is a sometime food – enjoy!

 

 

Cheazy-E Bacon Cob
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
2 cob loaves, one for the dip and one for extra dipping croutons
6 rashers streaky bacon, diced
4 shallots, finely sliced
250g cream cheese, softened
½ cup double cream
⅔ cup sour cream
1 cup mozzarella, grated
1 cup cheddar, grated
salt and pepper to taste

Method
Preheat your oven to 180°C.

Cut the top off one of the cob loaves and scoop out the bread. Place the hollowed cob on a lined baking sheet and cut the remaining bread – excluding the lid – into bite size pieces and place on another tray. Dice the remaining cob and place on the second baking sheet. Set aside.

Heat a skillet over medium heat and fry the bacon and shallots for about five minutes. Remove from the heat and set aside.

Place the cream cheese, double cream and sour cream in the bowl of an electric mixer, and beat for a couple of minutes, or until combined. Add the cheeses, bacon, shallots and a good whack of salt and pepper and mix for a further minute.

Transfer the filling to the hollowed cob, place the lid on and bake for half an hour. Remove the lid and bake for a further ten minutes, adding the remaining bread to crisp up.

Serve immediately and devour.

 

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Chocolate Creampie Trang

Baking, Dessert, Pie, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Brad won immunity again and Aubry felt everyone was against her. Which they were, booting her in fifth place.

Once again, Probst was quick to return for the final immunity challenge of the season – an epic obstacle, water slide, puzzle combo. I mean sure, it looks pretty simple but after starving for 38 days, this is guaranteed to be a struggle.

Brad got out to a an early lead, which was just as quickly taken by Sarah with Troyzan hot on her heels. Sarah continued to extend her lead, while Troyzan struggled with his second bag and fell out of it. Then out of nowhere, Brad overtook Sarah snatching the last bag of puzzle pieces and made quick work of the puzzle, equalling the record by snatching his fifth individual immunity.

Turns out he was able to do what Monica would do, going from a pre-merge boot to a finalist on his second attempt.

Back at camp, Troy jumped straight into Brad’s arms knowing that as the biggest goat remaining, he too was guaranteed to be a second runner-up. They quickly agreed that getting rid of Tai was the best plan, particularly since Brad is confident the jury will reward his challenge prowess and his experience as a lawyer guarantees him a better performance in front of the jury.

Tai made a last ditch plea to Sarah to vote for Troyzan and force a firemaking challenge between one of them and Troy. Sarah appeared to be swayed, knowing that she could potentially beat everyone remaining and a successful win in the challenge is yet another point as far as the jury are concerned.

We returned to tribal council where Aubry made a play to snatch the jury facial expression crown from Michaela. Brad was proud to be guaranteed a spot in the final but was concerned about who would be joining he and Troyzan in the final tribal. Sarah and Tai agreed that it was one of them and that if they want to go to the end together, they had to try and force a tie.

Tai started a smear campaign against Brad’s bullying, before Brad gave the jury a live show. Troyzan was quietly confident, but given how most of the tribals have gone this season couldn’t bring himself to feel safe. Sarah kept looking back at Brad and Troyzan nervously, clearly confused as the headed to vote … luckily for her, the odds were in her favour with her joining the boys to boot Tai from the game.

As you know, I met Tai when he supported my one man, nude version – did I mention it was nude, because it was – of A Midsummer Night’s Dream in Golden Gate Park. While it wasn’t as celebratory as our previous Ponderosa pow-wow, Tai was still the most upbeat and positive person in the room.

That being said, who doesn’t like a nice wet creampie? That sounds dirty. Who doesn’t love a  chocolate-y creampie? Still off. I gave him a Chocolate Creampie … Trang.

The Trang saves it from being smutty, right?

 

 

Sweet, slippery, sticky and altogether delicious, this is the second best creampie a guy could ask for.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chocolate Creampie Trang
Serves: 8-12.

Ingredients
1 ⅓ cups chocolate biscuits, blitzed to a crumb
75g unsalted butter, melted
¼ cup plus 1 tbsp raw caster sugar
⅔ cup muscovado sugar
¼ cup cornstarch
pinch of kosher salt
4 egg yolks
3 cups milk
30g unsalted butter
200g dark chocolate, melted
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup double cream

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

Combine the biscuit crumbs, 75g melted butter and the ¼ cup of raw caster sugar in a bowl until combined. Press the base into a pie dish and bake for 15 minutes, or until crisp. Remove and allow to cool.

While that it chilling like Tai finding idols, whisk the muscovado sugar, cornstarch, salt and yolks in a heavy-bottomed saucepan until combined and slowly stir in the milk. Bring to the boil over medium heat, while whisking, reduce heat to low and still whisking, simmer for a minute or so or until it is thick. Sieve the custard into a bowl and slowly whisk in the chocolate, butter and vanilla. Cover with clingwrap and cool for a couple of hours.

Once cooled, transfer to the crust, smooth over, cover and place in the fridge to chill for a few hours.

When you’re almost ready to devour, lightly whisk the double cream with a tablespoon of raw caster sugar until it forms soft peaks. Spoon over the pie, slice and devour.

 

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Michaela Bradshortcake

Baking, Dessert, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously – slash a minute ago – on Survivor, it became exceedingly more obvious that Sarah was sliding her way to victory, despite Cirie’s killer display. While everyone was against Brad for the entire episode, Andrea stuck her neck out one time too many and found herself sent to the jury.

We arrived back at camp where Aubry apologised to Brad for being the only person remaining that voted for him last tribal. She then acknowledged the elephant in the room, that if you align with her you end up voted out … or near death. She then broke down about having had such a rollercoaster day what with winning immunity and being blindsided, before winning Tai’s affection back and making Cirie wary of Tai’s social game.

Probst quickly returned for the second immunity challenge of the episode, the Darrah Johnson-Shane Powers memorial pour-water-in-the-hole-to-float-a-key-high-enough-to-retrieve-it. Don’t blame me for the title, I was experiencing PTSD by proxy for Cirie.

Michaela got out to a quick lead, followed closely by Troyzan, Aubry and Brad, who made quick work using the key to unlock their puzzle pieces. Given how confusing the puzzle was, Sarah, Tai and Cirie all caught up before Brad found a hole that he couldn’t fill. Michaela thought she had it, which she didn’t before kicking the puzzle … giving enough time for Brad to fill that hole and snatch immunity.

Brad then celebrated and / or through a tantrum, almost channelling Mr. This-Is-My-Island, Troyzan.

Back at camp the Troyzan and Tai were feeling uncomfortable, since the target was immune … despite both of them being in possession of an idol, or two if you’re Tai. Tai approached Aubry about needing to make some moves if they are going to make it to the end, both agreeing that Sarah is currently the one to beat.

Aubry then told Cirie, who went straight back to Sarah who refused to believe that Aubry was telling the truth. Wanting to solidify her loyalty, Sarah decided to give up the extra vote advantage to Cirie. Cirie, being the crafty kween that she is, debating the merits on hanging on to it, or playing it despite the fact Sarah didn’t want to, to protect Sarah from herself and Tai.

Cirie then clued Michaela in on what was happening, with both of them agreeing that Cirie needed to use Sarah’s vote steal to steal Sarah’s own vote to take out Tai … by lulling him into a false sense of security to not play an idol by saying she is doing it to save him. This is some next level inception bullshit right here and if she pulls it off, she is the first in line to Sandra’s throne in the line of procession.

Giving future players a masterclass on how to manipulate people, Cirie pulled Tai aside and played him like a fiddle. I mean, the voice quivering, the panic, the concern?! I love Cirie.

We then arrived at tribal council where Sarah spoke about the mad scrambling that occurred post challenge. Cirie and Brad agreed that everyone was lying to someone and that they need to cut through that, to which Michaela disagreed. Tai then acknowledged that he always gives people the benefit of the doubt and that it could lead to his downfall.

Troyzan sounded like he’s been hurt one too many times in the game, which after being schooled by Kim I assume he has. Michaela then brought up the ‘we’ again before we headed off to vote … but wait, Cirie pulled out the vote steal! Sadly for her, she didn’t read the fine print saying that it could not be transferred.

She was then chastised by Probst and Sarah, for outing the fact she was going to make a huge move but actually couldn’t. And as has become the tradition of Game Changers, Sarah then whispered something in Tai’s ear, before Cirie pulled Sarah aside to tell her she was trying to use it to save her, which Michaela jumped up to agree with. Troyzan then tried to eavesdrop, earning the wrath of Michaela who did not have time for his shit.

Aubry then joined the fray and things started to calm down and everyone returned to their seats … until Sarah got back up to  talk to Tai, with Cirie whispering in the other ear. Cirie then went to Michaela, while Tai went back to talking to Sarah … before the latter decided to just use the advantage, take Tai’s vote and get this over with.

Despite snatching Tai’s vote, Sarah didn’t join Aubry and Michaela in voting out Tai, instead joining Brad and Troyzan to blindside Michaela. While it wasn’t as exciting as her previous exit, the tribal build up was even more exciting and she ended with you do you, boo … which is amazing.

Make no mistake, Michaela is a total sass queen … but she was feeling a little bit salty, having been booted from Survivor twice in the space of a few months. That being said, it is hard to stay salty when you fill up on my Michaela Bradshortcake!

 

 

I know that the doll/TV show firmly pushes for the strawberry version of these delights, I have a strong aversion to the feel of them on my tongue and therefore avoid them at most costs. I mean, I’ll eat them but they are not my first through fifth choice.

Plus, how do you go wrong with apple, walnut and cinnamon? Exactly, you can’t – enjoy!

 

 

Michaela Bradshortcake
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
3-4 apples, cored and finely diced
juice of a lemon
1 tsp cinnamon
1 cup raw caster sugar
2 cups flour
1 tbsp baking powder
kosher salt
85g cold unsalted butter
1 ½ cup double cream
½ cup walnuts, toasted and roughly chopped
1 egg

Method
Combine the apples, lemon juice, cinnamon and ¼ cup raw caster sugar to combine. Cover and allow to steep for an hour or so.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the flour, remaining sugar, baking powder and a pinch of salt in a large bowl. Using your fingertips, rub the butter through the flour mixture until it resembles wet sand. Add 1 cup cream and walnuts, and stir with a fork until it just starts to come together.

Form the dough into large lime-sized balls and press to flatten on a lined baking tray, repeating the process until done.

Whisk the egg, brush each biscuit/scone and bake until golden brown, or about 20 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack and allow to cool for half an hour.

When ready to serve, whip the remaining cream in a bowl until soft peaks form. Half the biscuit and top with some apple and cream. Close the biscuit … and because I really like to load up on the toppings, add some more apple, cream and a pinch of cinnamon.

Then devour, obviously.

 

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Natalie Crembruglia

13th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Well hot diggity damn – guess what today’s recipe marks? No Captain EyebrowsObvious, I’m not just drawing attention to day two of the Easter Meggstravaganza … it is our 350th recipe.

Can you believe it? More importantly, do you want to believe it?

Now while my dear friend Natalie Imbruglia wasn’t thrilled to be referred to as a struggling musician, she was honoured that it coincided with a milestone recipe.

Oh – and I totally lied and said it was an ironic title. And she bought it.

I first met Nat while working on Neighbours, she started in the mid-90s and I took her under wing after becoming top-dog on set as Madge’s cigarette lighter. As is often the case, I recognised pretty quickly that she was destined for greatness and made it my goal to make her the next Kylie Minogue.

Who I was feuding with at the time.

She left Neighbours and within a year or so released her debut single Torn. Despite completely ignoring my vocal coaching to sing with an aggressively ocker, Australian accent, it somehow became a hit and she went on to enjoy a successful career.

Flash forward 18 years and she released an album of covers I didn’t even know existed before perusing her Wikipedia entry pre-visit, thus cementing her status as a struggling musician … for the sake of this exercise.

(Don’t let the shade take away from her classic album White Lilies Islands, which I’d defend until the end of time).

After working through her discomfort with the struggling part of her label, she gladly sat down to dinner know that she was actively contributing to potentially returning Meg Ryan to fame/the status quo of the world by way of egg-based culinary sacrifices.

And a big old Natalie Crembruglia doesn’t hurt to sweeten the deal either!

 

 

Smooth and sweet, this is the perfect dish to woo the universe to give Meg Ryan a(nother) break. Plus – how can it (the universe) not appreciate cracking a hard exterior to get to the creamy liquid inside.

Enjoy!

 

 

Natalie Crembruglia
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
300ml double cream
1 vanilla pod, seeds scraped out
4 egg yolks
2 tbsp caster sugar
demerara sugar, to top

Method
Combine the cream and vanilla in a saucepan and almost bring to the boil, ensuring not to actually let it boil.

Beat the yolks and caster sugar together in a bowl and very slowly, still stirring, pour in the cream. Once combined, transfer it back to the pan and cook over low heat until it thickens. This shouldn’t take longer than 10 minutes.

Divide the custard amongst 4-6 ramekins – depending on their size and your greed – and place in a fridge to completely chill.

When you’re ready to eat, sprinkle the tops with sugar and scorch with a blowtorch or under the grill to give a hard, sweet top. Return to the fridge for five minutes (I like to make sure the toffee firms up) … and then devour.

 

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Benoffee Affleck Pie

Baking, Dessert, Pie, Sweets

Even with us both currently sober – my birthday led to an arrest and court-ordered AA, what of it? – my cheeky B-squared reunion with Benny Affleck was completely off the chain!

Seriously … how is that possible? Is this old age? Is drinking not, shudder, required for a good time? Actually, don’t answer that … I’d rather not know.

Anyway … I obviously met Benny – and Matt – while attending Cambridge Rindge and Latin High School in the 80s. I, again obviously, immediately spotted their talents and quickly moulded them into the writer/director/actors that you know and love day.

Unless you’re Jimmy Kimmel / Matt Damon … but that isn’t a prob for my boy Benny.

As I mentioned, I’ve tried to keep my distance with Benny for the last year or so given the scandalo with nannies … on account of my past work as a nanny and off the charts sex-appeal.

Thankfully his reunion with Jen means that I can up my profile and celebrate his Gone Girl – and pitch Tina Fey’s Tyler Perry sequel, Girl I thought you were goneBatman vs. Superman nudity and enquire about the prospect of Justice League shower scenes.

With that, I needed something to sweeten the deal and cut through my thirst, so settled on our favourite Benoffee Affleck Pie.

 

 

Be warned, this is insanely sweet. And I mean, insanely sweet – which is great to counter thirst, FYI – but make no mistake, banoffee is always a win. Plus, the banana means it’s healthy and the cream kind of cuts through the caramel.

You can’t go past that – enjoy!

 

 

Benoffee Affleck Pie
Serves: 2 Boston boys … 8-12.

Ingredients
200g muscovado sugar
200g butter, plus 75g for the crust
2 x 400g can condensed milk
200g butternut crunch biscuits … or digestives or something of that ilk, but butternut crunch are amazing, crushed
4 bananas, sliced on the diagonal
400ml double cream, whipped until soft peaks form

Method
Start by making the toffee by combining the sugar and 200g of butter in a saucepan over medium heat and stir until combined and the sugar dissolves. Slowly stir in the condensed milk and bring to the boil, stirring continuously until the mixture thickens, gets darker and smells like caramel. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.

While that is cooling, blitz the biscuits in a food processor and melt the remaining butter. Combine, press into a pie dish and transfer to the freezer for fifteen minutes or so to kinda-sorta-semi-set.

Reserve about a quarter of a cup of caramel. Add half of the bananas to the remaining mixture, quickly stir and pour into the pie dish.

Whip the cream, and pour/layer on top of the caramel banana mixture. Arrange the remaining banana on top … and then drizzle over more caramel. Because why not?

Devour.

 

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