Previously on Survivor, Figgy was gettin’ jiggy and David was scared of literally everything, not least of all Figgy – I assume – before the Gen Xers took too many shortcuts in life and were sent to tribal council where poor Rachel Ako became the winner of the prestigious Francesca Hogi first boot award.
We arrived back at the hard-working shortcut taking Gen Xers where Chris delighted in tell us he was keeping David busy to avoid him becoming paranoid. Sadly for Chris, while keeping bust David started fire and found the first hidden immunity idol of the season – now trapped inside a coconut!
At the risk of sounding like Fabio 2.0 aka Taylor, how on earth did it even get in there? Nah gammin, relax guys, I saw the seam.
Speaking of Taylor, we checked in with the Millennials where the superior Tay-Tay and Figgy popped on their love goggles and made out, re-introducing us to the star of the season Michaela. After a killer confessional dropping truth bombs, Michaela then threw them straight under the bus much to the chagrin of Figgy. Do you think they know what chagrin means? Probs not.
Anyway, the freaks and geeks alliance were pretty pissed about the situation while #JayForPay wiped Romber from our collective memory by decreeing no couple has ever survived to the end. Aside from the lack of knowledge regarding Survivor history, Jay seems to know what he is doing and called out Taylor’s behaviour.
We finally checked in with my angel Ken, who will now be known as Kengel forevermore, who was rocking his tight, tight jocks in the ocean, making me as wet as he was. Then wait, seriously wait, THEN, Ken and David bonded and formed my favourite alliance of all time, named, coincidentally, after my favourite movie The Hottie and the Nottie.
Millennials Mari then explained the difference between TV and real life, which seems to be more of an issue for the professional gamer than other people. Thankfully Queen Michaela then returned to start fighting with Figgy – which sounds like an amazing TV show, Fighting with Figgy – while doing an amazing Matthew von Ertfelda impersonation with the axe.
Back on Gen X Ken and David recruited CeCe before Paul decided to continue in the tradition of Kaôh Rōng and have a medical emergency. Thankfully – well to all watching but David – Paul hadn’t had a heart attack and lives to see another day.
We then reconvened in the middle of a fucking reef for the next immunity challenge, can we just have the rest of the seasons set in Fiji for the killer cinematography and crystal clear water?
Can we also have Hannah sit out of every challenge to co-commentate with Probst?
Probst, “Chris ripping through the water.”
Hannah, “Michelle you’re ripping through the water too!”
Comedy gold! Anyway, the tribes continued looking for that ring – which I hope is a game Kengel is willing to play when he arrives at #Pounderosa – before Gen X, well technically just Kengel came from behind – you know where this aside would go – and won immunity, thrilling all but David who had his head in his hands.
Back at camp the millennials commenced scrambling, with Mari proving that she doesn’t have the greatest understanding of Survivor saying that Figgy would be blindside without even knowing.
Mari, the definition of a blindside is voting someone out without them knowing. This is a tautology.
Zeke then proclaimed his excitement to start booting people, meaning only one thing – we are in for a blindside despite the freaks and geeks locking the vote on Figgy with numbers to spare!
Adam and Zeke spilled the tea to Jay which was the catalyst for all hell breaking loose. Jay ran to Michelle and they showed impressive form clearing the air between Figgy and Michaela before pulling in the latter and Will to flip the vote on Mari.
Not one to rest on her laurels, Michelle continued her assault after arriving at tribal … where the millennials were completely in awe of the horror that is about to unfold in front of them. Mari was sad to be losing someone, Zeke was thrilled to be part of the game, Michaela spilled even more tea while Michelle continued to dominate, telling Hannah to change her vote to Mari without zero explanation. Hannah then teetered on the edge of a nervous breakdown, before having a conversation – not about puppies or butts as Mari said, but about booting Mari.
The tribe then voted where Hannah spent such a long time in the voting booth that Jeff had to peek around the corner to see if she had voted, as if he were watching Colby in the shower.
As the votes rolled in, my dear friend Mari indeed became the second boot and found herself in my arms at loser lodge to debrief over a plate of Karmaagi Takasushi. Obviously I know Mari through the pro-gaming scene, where I am really good at completing Mario themed games – and only Mario themed games – after reading the walkthroughs on nerd sites.
Yes, Mari was salty – like nori fresh out of the ocean salty – after being voted out. As she explained at tribal, ended someone’s dream and being able to look into their eyes doing it is a lot tougher than through a screen like she is used to.
Now while it appears that my recipes may be as racially insensitive this season as the tribes that made a minority female their first boots, this and Korean BBQ worked with their names AND I find them delicious, so try and forgive the accidental, casual racism?
Plus, sushi is delicious, particularly karaage with some soothing cucumber or avocado and a hidden kick of wasabi. Enjoy!
500g chicken thigh fillets, cut into a large dice
60ml soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
thumb sized piece of ginger, grated
pinch of sugar
½ cup potato or corn flour
pinch of salt
2 cups sushi rice
¼ cup sushi vinegar
10 sheets nori
1 cucumber, halved lengthways, seeded and cut into matchsticks
1 avocado, halved and thinly sliced
Wasabi, to taste
kewpie mayo, to serve
pickled ginger, to serve
Combine the chicken, soy, sake, ginger and sugar in a bowl. Stir well, cover with cling and place in the fridge to marinate for a couple of hours.
Preheat oven to 180°C.
While they are getting all snowboard and chill, combine the flour and salt in a bowl. Add the chicken, piece by piece using tongs and quickly toss them around to coat.
Heat a large skillet over high heat with a generous lug of vegetable oil. Once it is searingly hot, add a couple of pieces of chicken and seal the meat for a couple of minutes. Remove to a lined baking sheet and repeat the process until they are all done.
Pour over the remaining marinade and put in the oven to bake for 10-20 minutes until crisped and cooked through. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.
Meanwhile, rinse the rice under cold water until it runs clear. Place the rice in a large saucepan with 3 cups of cold water and bring to the boil. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 15 minutes.
Remove from the heat and stand, covered, for five minutes.
Move the bowl to a large bowl and stir through the sushi vinegar and allow to cool.
Now, round up all the elements and, most importantly, a bamboo mat. Place the nori shiny side down on the bamboo mat and spread a thin layer of rice over the nori leaving a couple of centimetres clear at the end.
Add your fixins’, pieces of chicken, cucumber, avo, wasabi in whatever combination you like – I just put all four in all of mine.
Lift the edge of the bamboo mat closest to you and roll away, tightly. As you’re about to get to the end, brush the clear part of the nori with water before finishing rolling. Press the seam together and allow to rest while you repeat the process until it is all done.
Once they are done, slice into pieces – I went two-three per roll – with a wet knife.
Then, obviously, devour slathered in wasabi, kewpie mayo, pickled ginger and/or soy.
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