Linda Perry Peri Chicken Pizza

Main, Pizza, Poultry, Street Food

What a difference a few days can make, right? After witnessing Glenn’s seventh and Amy’s sixth snubs – no matter how deserving the delightful Olivia and Regina are, it still stung – I started to rage about all the things this Oscars failed me on like Shallow muse Timothée Chalamet and my girls Dolly and Linda Perry getting snubbed.

By the time Linda arrived at my house I was in such a state, alternating between crying and screaming, that she had to pull me into her arms and hold me until I calmed down.

And thanks to her warm, loving friendship, I’ve been in a state of zen since.

I’ve known Linda for years and years, first meeting as teens in San Diego. Fun fact: she taught me that San Diego didn’t actually translate to mean whale’s vagina, which I passed on to Will Ferrell to use as a joke in Anchorman.

But anyway, she was always so patient and kind with me, despite my many foibles, so I jumped at the chance to move to San Francisco with her in the ‘80s and I of course, vowed to make her a star.

Given how insanely busy she has been recently, Linda and I haven’t spent as much time together as we would like, so it was wonderful to be able to just have time to reconnect. And smash a piping hot Linda Perry Peri Chicken Pizza.

 

 

A crunchy base, sweet tomatoes and the fiery spice of peri peri chicken work together to form the perfect pizza for warming up a surprisingly cold evening in Brisbane. FYI, it got down to 25°C.

Enjoy!

 

 

Linda Perry Peri Chicken Pizza
Serves: 2-6.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
olive oil
2 chicken breasts, diced
½ cup peri peri sauce
⅓ cup passata
oregano and basil, roughly chopped, to taste
1 red onion, thinly sliced
1 cup baby spinach
200g cherry tomatoes, halved
mozzarella, to taste

Method
Prep the bases as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions.

Heat a lug of olive oil in a skillet and cook the diced chicken for five minutes or so, or until cooked through. Add the peri peri – more if needed – and cook for a further couple of minutes, or until well coated.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Smear passata over the prepared bases, sprinkle of the herbs, onion, spinach, spicy chicken and cherry tomatoes, before blanketing – I mean, you don’t have to but who wouldn’t – in mozzarella.

Transfer to the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until bubbly and golden. Before devouring, thinking about how wrong it is that Lind and Doll still don’t have Oscars.

 

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Tostavo Santaolalla

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold XCI: Call Me By Your Gold, Street Food

Ok, ok – I know it feels like I’m stuck on a musical binge at the moment, after kicking off Call Me By Your Gold with Em and Reese on account of musicals, but Gustavo Santaolalla is an icon in his own right and I couldn’t go past with catching up with my dear friend to celebrate this year’s Oscars.

While I only met Gus close to fifteen years ago through my love Ang, our bond quickly grew as I inspired his exquisite score in Brokeback Mountain and made sure it captured the love and unbridled passion I held for Heath and Jake. And Mish.

Given it won him his first Oscar, I assume you agree that I am a gloriously stunning muse.

Gus being the delightful, sweet man that he is was totally shocked, humbled and honoured to get an invite to my annual Oscar Gold celebration. Even more so, as he got to help me lock in my bets for his sound brethren.

For Sound Editing, Gus believes I shouldn’t look past First Man, however I think A Quiet Place is a safe bet. For Sound Mixing, I am going with my boy Rami’s Bohemian Rhapsody while he thinks First Man will take that also. Given First Man didn’t even get a nom for Original Score, Gus is going with Isle of Dogs however I think If Beale Street Could Talk has it on lock. As does Gaga for Best Song which should just be given out straight away as it is the safest bet of the night.

That being said, Black Panther is the only nom that could act as a spoiler. Though it won’t.

TBH it was a pretty easy bunch of noms to discuss, but that didn’t stop us from getting down to sharing a platter of Tastavo Santaolalla. You know, to give us back our energy.

 

 

Hot and spicy, fresh and crunchy, tostadas are one of my favourite Mexican dishes. I mean, it is essentially a giant chip piled with a meaty-salady dip. When I put it that way, you find it pretty irresistible, no?

Enjoy!

 

 

Tostavo Santaolalla
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 red onion, diced
5 garlic cloves, minced
500g beef mince
2 tbsp tomato paste
1 tbsp chilli powder
2 tsp cumin
½ tsp ground coriander
¼ tsp turmeric
400g refried beans
8 corn tostadas
cheddar cheese, sour cream, lettuce, hot sauce and coriander, to garnish

Method
Heat a lug of olive oil in a large skillet and sweat the onion and garlic for five minutes, or until soft, sweet and fragrant. Add the mince and cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon until the mince is browned. Stir through the tomato paste and spices, and cook for a couple of minutes. Remove from the heat.

Meanwhile heat the beans in a small saucepan.

To assemble, smear the tostadas with the beans, top with the mince mixture and literally any combination of cheese, sour cream, lettuce, hot sauce and coriander that you desire.

Devour.

 

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Lady Gaugamole

Condiment, Dip, Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Somebody That I Used to Gold, Vegetarian

Despite the fact that she is slaying the award season game with her film debut, my dear friend Lady Gaga will always be the scrappy little recording artist that could. While I irrationally hated Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta from the first moment I saw her, I am so grateful that Tony Bennett was able to talk sense into me and allow the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I mean, 100 of my fellow celebrities had told me that I would love Gaga’s sweet, creative soul but it took just one to get through to me and for that, I will always be grateful to Tone.

But enough about Tone, this is about thrice Academy and Emmy Award nominated, six time Grammy winning and my dear friend, Gaga. As I said, my own stupidity kept me from years of friendship with Ga – as only her best friends call her – and while that often wakes me in a cold sweat, I am glad at how quickly we developed the beautiful friendship we have.

Given she is busy residenc-ing and attendee literally every single award show on the planet, I decided to swing by for a post Oscar-nominees luncheon date and, you guessed it, run the odds for the Grammys.

Given she has made a splash in the film world I bequeathed her the honour of helping me pick who will take out Best Music Film and while I see merits in Whitney winning like Ga thinks, I can’t go past Quincy. While I am a dear friend of both Jay and Bey, neither of us can see them beating Childish Gambino’s This Is America.

Obviously I couldn’t bet against Gaga for Best Pop Solo Performance or Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, so we focused on me betting the house on Tony Bennett and Diana Krall’s Love Is Here to Stay for BEst Traditional Pop Vocal Album – though Babs is my most likely spoiler – and my love for Kelly Clarkson isn’t enough to make me bet against Camila Cabello’s creatively titled Camila taking out Best Pop Vocal Album.

While running all those odds can be hungry work, I know that the Academy serves calorie rich food at the nominees luncheon – checky during awards season, no? – so I opted to keep it light with a delicious Lady Gaugamole.

 

 

Nobody loves avocados more than I – excluding Queer Eye’s Antony, obviously – however I had never tasted guac perfection until I encountered Chipotle. Oh Chipotle, how I love you so! The spicy, glorious guac bursting from a burrito and washed down with some Pibb Extreme is my idea of heaven. But this is not an add, focus on their guac – fresh and zingy, it is perfect all by itself.

Enjoy!

 

 

Lady Gaugamole
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 ripe avocados
1 lime, zested and juiced
2 tbsp coriander
1 red onion, finely diced
1 jalapeño, roughly chopped
¼ tsp kosher salt
Tortea Leoni Chips, to serve

Method
Cut the avocados in half, remove the pit and mash the flesh.

Fold through the remaining ingredients.

Devour, with a big bowl of Tortea Leoni Chips.

 

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Earl Colecano

Baking, Main, Snack, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Fiji

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, we have a cast! I know we’ve officially known that Aubry, David, Kelley and Joe were Shangela-ing their ways back to the Island known Extinction for a couple of months, but we know who will be joining them!

Can I tell the difference between Chris, Dan or Eric despite one of them being bald? Nope. Do I care and love them all based on nothing else? Sure. Do I want Victoria’s hair? Of course. Are Julie and Reem going to be my fave newbies? Duh. Do I hope that Aubry and Kelley pair up like Aubry, Sandra and Cirie should have in Game Changers? Unequivocally.

Anyway, I have a lot of strong opinions about everything, so it was convenient that I had my dearest friend Earl Cole – the undisputed King of Fiji – drop by to join me and listen. While he wasn’t as opinionated as I was, he did agree that the winner is likely going to be someone that gets voted out pre-merge and manages to woo everyone whilst struggling on the Island Of Extinction.

While I am blindly hoping Aubry finally snatches a win, unless Joe channels Pearl Islands-era Savage, Hatch, Tyson, Locky or the Contenders boys and goes nude. In which case I am all in on him winning.

Given I quickly got thirsty, I needed something bready to sop everything up and distract me with a different kinda of joy. As such I whipped out a Milk Bar – third time this year, I know – Volcano, convenient rebranded as an Earl Colecano.

 

 

Like Bagel Bombs and Crack Pie before them, Milk Bar’s volcanoes are insanely addictive and delicious and can warm your soul even through the most brutal of polar vortexes. Creamy, herbed potatoes, sweet onion and a punch of gruyere are all you need to wash your troubles away.

Enjoy!

 

 

Earl Colecano
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 recipe Mother Dough, from Katey Sagal Bombs
3 garlic cloves
½ cup double cream
⅓ cup milk
1 bay leaf
1 tsp rosemary leaves, roughly chopped
1 tsp kosher salt
black pepper
100g streaky bacon, diced and fried until crispy
2 potatoes
vegetable oil
2 red onions, thinly sliced
1 egg, whisked
1 cup shredded Gruyère cheese

Method
Prepare the Mother Dough as per Katey’s recipe – which is totally Christina Tosi’s – and leave to prove.

Meanwhile crush the garlic with a knife and chuck into a saucepan with the cream, milk, bay leaf, rosemary, ½ tsp of salt and a good whack of pepper. Bring it to the boil over medium heat before turning off, covering and leaving to steep for half an hour.

Thinly slice the potatoes and cover with iced water.

Preheat oven to 160C.

Layer the potatoes in a small baking dish, sprinkling with bacon as you go, until you’re out of both. Strain the steeped cream, pour over the potato and transfer to the oven to bake for 45 minutes, or until golden on top and cooked through. Remove from the oven and allow to cool completely before covering with foil, topping with weights – aka cans – and transferring to the fridge to set for a couple of hours.

While the potatoes are setting heat a lug of vegetable oil in a small saucepan and add the onions and leave in the pan for a couple of minutes without stirring. After that, reduce heat to low, add the remaining salt and cook for about half an hour, or until soft and caramelly.

Preheat oven to 180C.

Divide the dough into four equal pieces and flatten to form 20cm discs. Split the onions amongst the discs and top with a square of the potatoes. Oh, cut the gratin into squares – there will be left overs and on behalf on Christina, you’re welcome. Fold up the edges and pinch to enclose before rolling into a ball and placing on a lined baking sheet.

Brush the dough with egg and cut a deep X in the top of each. Fill each with a quarter of the cheese, leaving excess to erupt out the top. Transfer to the oven and bake for half an hour, or until golden, brown and the cheese is crispy.

Leave to rest for ten minutes before devouring. If you can.

 

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Lamber Tarkich

Baking, Main, Survivor, Survivor: All Stars, Survivor: Edge of Extinction, Survivor: The Australian Outback

I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I mean, we just exited the latest Survivor Dark Ages with the killer albeit horribly named David vs. Goliath, and we’re entering a season named Edge of Extinction. Which without spoiling, actually screw it you need to be warned – features the return of Redemption Island instead with worse rules and a new name.

Will I still watch it and likely love it like a good superfan? Sure. But I am concerned about what it means for Survivor movie forward. The one thing giving me hope is that a season that ends with every person voted out on the jury and the first boot winning, could give us Gabon levels of insanity. Which is literally the best case.

Anyway as I am wont to do, I’m assembling some of my favourite winners – or at least the remaining winners – to help countdown to the new season. And likely do some sort of ritual to steer it towards Gabon.

As you know I am a dear friend of Romber and even introduced them and tee-ed up their alliance which led to love, The Amazing Race, marriage and four daughters. It also makes me responsible for All Stars so either you’re welcome or I apologise, depending on your views on the season.

I’ve known Amber since the filming of Australian Outback after trekking to find the set in search of Probst. While my unintended meddling screwed over Kucha far more than it did Ogakor, I did kinda screw over Amber’s game by wooing Colby – who I must catch soon – and turning him against Jerri – who I also must catch soon – setting up her downfall, she soon moved past the pain after introducing her and Rob.

While we haven’t had an official cast reveal yet, we do know that Aubry will be returning – hopefully with an edit this time – alongside second chancers Kelley and Joe, and Family Guy writer David who I assume was emboldened by Mike White’s success last season. Given the twist seems tailor made for the likes of Joe to finally succeed, I am hoping it backfires and either Kelley or Aubry rank highest amongst the returnees. Amber obviously is hoping that Kelley will snatch victory and complete her Brkich narrative, albeit over three seasons.

It was as robust conversation as it could be without being able to spoil the rest of the cast, however it was a delight to catch-up, talk smack about Rob continuously spoiling the switch and merge tribe colours with his Instagram posts and smash a big ol’ Lamber Tarkich.

 

 

Based on a number I saw whilst browsing Taste.com.au, this tart is a delicious, quick meal to throw together during the week. Not that I don’t believe Amber isn’t worth effort, because she dominated All Stars and played Rob to perfection (… and still ended up married) so don’t at me. Sometimes simply is best, packed with spice and fresh flavours, it will have you salivating from the moment it goes into the oven.

Enjoy!

 

 

Lamber Tarkich
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 tbsp tomato paste
4 garlic cloves, minced
500g lamb mince
1 tbsp ground cumin
2 tsp ground coriander
2 red chillies, sliced
¼ cup pine nuts
1 lemon, zested and juiced
small handful mint, roughly chopped
10 sheets filo pastry
50g butter, melted
1 cup Sierra Dawn-Hummus
2 tomatoes, deseeded and diced
½ tsp sumac
1 red onion, diced
small handful flat-leaf parsley
100g feta, crumbled

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Heat a good lug of oil in a large skillet and cook the tomato paste and garlic for a couple of minutes. Add the mince, spices and chillies, and cook for five minutes before stirring in the pine nuts, lemon and mint, and removing from the heat. Set aside to cool slightly.

Brush each sheet of filo with butter -bar the top one – and stack on each other. Fold the edges inward to form a rough rectangular shape and place on a lined baking sheet. Stab the base with a fork and transfer to the oven to bake for ten minutes, or until lightly golden. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

To assemble, smear the centre with Hummus and top with the lamb mixture. Combine the tomato, sumac, onion, parsley and feta in a bowl and sprinkle over the top. Place in the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until golden and warm.

Devour.

 

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Pizzalia BBoqa Chicken

Main, Pizza, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: David vs. Goliath, TV Recap

Seconds ago on Survivor the David tribe were shocked to discover Jeremy had been voted out of the game over, I assume, Queen Natalie when they filed in for the latest challenge. Before that could happen however, before Bi announced to everyone that she would be following Jeremy out the duo due to her sprained MCL. With that, Probst sent her to the water’s edge to await a boat and classed her departure as a quit.

While Bi awkwardly hung around out of shot waiting for her boat, Probst announced that sike, it isn’t a challenge, instead the tribes will be switching things up, once again adding a third green tribe to join the orange and purple OG tribes. Davie was thrilled at the turn of events, while everyone else looked to be a combination of fear and shock. As everyone unveiled their new buffs, Carl discovered that he didn’t have one which appeared to anger him more than anything else. The new David tribe now goes by Vuku and consists of Davie, Elizabeth, Alec, Natalia and Kara, much to Dan’s chagrin. Speaking of Dan, he is on the newly formed Tiva tribe with Christian, Gabby, Alison and John while the Goliath tribe is changing its name to Jabeni and is made up of Natalie, Mike, Angelina, Nick and Lyrsa. Carl, of course, is going to exile island and will join whichever tribe loses the next immunity.

We followed the new Vuku tribe back to camp where Alec, Natalia and Kara were delighted to see that the plebs had managed to build themselves a killer camp. The all introduced themselves and played nice, though Davie was stressed about the fact that all of the new tribes have a minority of Davids. He then tried to make his first white friend – his words, not mine – in the form of Alec to try and find a crack, while Elizabeth worked overtime to find some common ground with Kara and Natalia. Given she and Kara have a horse bond, Natalia started to get super nervous and was paranoid that Kara would jump ship to her pony pal Liz. The three Goliaths connected though and assured each other that they wouldn’t be stupid enough to turn on each other. Which is totally happening, right?

Poor Carl arrived at Exile Island, lamenting how alone he is. Well, until he discovered a note, promising an advantage hidden in a coconut by the shore. With that, he was off, running through the rocky waves to find a marked coconut, unaware that its actually safely resting on the shore. He discovered that he is the first owner – in the US – of the idol nullifier, which he can play as everyone votes. If he plays it on a person that tries to play their idol, its power is null and void and they will be voted out of the game.

Mike was not loving life on the new Jabeni tribe, given they’re probably the five weakest people in the game. Though he was positive about the fact he’ll go to tribal a lot, which is good. Natalie however was not feeling it, forgoing introductions with Nick and Lyrsa and instead barking orders at people to get the camp sorted whilst sitting in her throne. Her attitude filled Lyrsa and Nick with hope, given Mike and Angelina are clearly over it. Nick approached Mike about forming an alliance and hot damn, I love the idea. Particularly since Mike was cool with naming their alliance the rock stars in honour of Ned Schneebly.

Last but not least we checked in with the new Tiva tribe who were starting from scratch. Dan and John were doing the lion’s share of the work, however coached Christian in how to chop wood. Christian then got answers to the demographics of slam town, conducting an impromptu census and damn I need them to go to the end together. Christian’s new bro-bonds started to make Gabby feel insecure, worried about being the odd one out and the obvious first target. She broke down to Christian, who gave her a peptalk and damn, add her to the final three with the Slamtown local government and I’ll be a happy man.

My boy Jeffrey returned for the first three-way immunity challenge of the season where two blindfolded members of each tribe would be required to wheel a caller through a series of obstacles to retrieve a ball, which the remaining two blindfolded tribemates would use to solve a table maze for immunity. Better still the first place tribe get a series of brownies, pastries and coffee. Gabby guided the Tiva tribe to an early lead, while Vuku and Jabeni struggled. I then noticed the George Bushy of Tushy’s tushy and damn, I’m moister than an oyster. Tiva started working on the table maze while Kara guided Vuku into second place, while Angelina and Natalie wheeled around in last place. While Vuku started to close the gap, Tiva snagged immunity and reward while Angelina, Mike and Lyrsa pulled off a miracle, overtaking and snatching immunity – just – sending Vuku to tribal council.

Back at camp Elizabeth was feeling extremely nervous due to being in the minority. She pulled Davie aside and told him to come and help her search for an idol to save themselves, unaware that Davie in fact has the idol. Elizabeth was hoping to use the hypothetically idol to take out Natalia, however Davie felt that the Goliaths were solid and wouldn’t turn on each other. As such, he approached Kara and Natalia and spilled all of Elizabeth’s plans to hopefully get them to get rid of her over him. This angered Natalia as she was already feeling like Elizabeth was trying to snatch her bestie Kara from her, so she was all in on taking her out.

Speaking of Elizabeth, she approached Alec to encourage him that now is the perfect time to on its head and build his resume. She reminded him that the Goliaths will be hard to work through, so flipping to her and the Davids would give him a better path to get to the end. Alec was smart enough to know that turning on his allies would send a dangerous message to the other tribe, leaving her to agree to take out Davie instead. She may be playing the sweet country girl, but Elizabeth is a smart player and knows when to pick her battles.

Alec took this plan back to Kara and Natalia, selling Davie as the bigger threat. Natalia had zero interest in submitting to his opinion, wanting to get rid of Elizabeth and then going between Alec, Kara and Davie to get them to pledge their loyalty to her and guarantee their votes. This made Alec even more annoyed, since bullying Davie wasn’t even necessary for them to get their way at tribal. This made Davie realise that they aren’t in fact as tight as he thought, so he too approached Alec to join him and Elizabeth to take out Natalia. While he wasn’t committal, they agreed to make eye contact if they want to flip at tribal which seems fraught with disaster.

At tribal council they were joined by Carl who would watch tribal before joining the tribe after the vote. Natalia quickly assured Probst that one of the Davids would be going home, with Elizabeth agreeing that she was pooping her pants with nerves at tribal while Davie said he was nervous before throwing her under the bus as a JIC. Natalia angered Alec by saying the game is afoot before saying she’d be happy going home tonight if it means she went out guns blazing. Elizabeth continued to play to Alec, talking about big moves with Natalia unwittingly joining her saying that they are necessary but timing is important. This prompted Alec to get up and start whispering to Elizabeth, pissing off Natalia who demanded to know what they were talking about. Alec simply mentioned he wanted to make sure they were on the same page.

While Kara was cool with that explanation and was confident they were still together, Natalia was not and continued to antagonise him. Alec assured Kara he wasn’t flipping, she assured Natalia they weren’t flipping, however Natalia looked nervous and assumed Kara was turning on her. With that the confused tribe voted, Davie opted against playing his idol and Natalia was shocked to see herself becoming the fifth boot. She rivaled Michaela with her rage, glaring at Alec, telling him to shut up and getting confused about where to place her torch. After it was snuffed she yelled at Kara asking if she knew – she didn’t – before telling Alec to stop smiling before stopping and tripping her way out of tribal and into Loser Lodge.

She was pissed by the time she arrived. I mean, Summer Roberts rage-blackouting over Alec turning on her and the vague scent of doughy Italian emanating from the oven.

“Is that pizza? Did you f&^%$&g cook me pizza, despite knowing it is proven to curse players?!”

Yep – once again my pizza curse has struck, ruining her game like Liz, Nick, Bianca, Sam, Taylor, Lou, Jack, Michelle, Tara, Roark, Jessica, Gonzalez, Brendan, Steph, Karla, Liam and Jess before her (relax remaining 37’ers, you’re not cursed). Though when they taste as good as my Pizzalia BBoqa Chicken, she really can’t complain. Well, too much at least.

 

 

Pillowy dough and gooey cheese sandwiching the glory of sweet, shredded chicken and just soft onions are almost enough to distract from the saltiness that comes with a brutal blindside.

Almost.

Enjoy!

 

 

Pizzalia BBoqa Chicken
Serves: 2-6.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
½ cup passata
a small handful of fresh Italian herbs, roughly chopped
2 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded
½-1 cup BBQ sauce
1 red onion, sliced
cheddar and mozzarella, to taste

Method
Prep the bases as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Smear the bases with passata and herbs. Toss the chicken through the BBQ sauce and scatter over the base with the sliced onion and top with the cheese.

Transfer to the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until bubbly and golden.

Devour immediately, terrified to think that this curse just won’t reverse.

 

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Sandra Khebab

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Main, Poultry, Snack, Street Food, TV Recap

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Rio continued her fall from my graces while taking out her insecurity on others. Then things took a turn for the emotional, with the girls doing a raw beauty shoot and filming an anti-bullying PSA, leading to a seven-way tie for best photo while Erin and Christina landing in the bottom two, with Christina’s attitude helping her straight out the door.

Back at the house everyone but Erin rejoiced in their best photos, and Khrystyana continued to be the absolute sweetest. Sandra, Shanice, Brendi K and Kyla pulled themselves away to discuss the growing buzz killington that is Rio. Kyla and Sandra shared that they had overhead Rio calling Kyla stupid when she didn’t realise she was still in the room. To make her look even worse, Kyla shared that she suffered a traumatic brain injury while playing volleyball at school and now does struggle to understand things that she used to. Even if that wasn’t the case, it is still rude. Jeana interrupted the conversation and then went to fill her ride or die in on the conversation, which Rio felt was nothing more than a cry for attention.

Tyra Mail arrived announcing this week was social media week, leading to a visit from Tyra where she gave them tips to take a mirror selfie or air her grievances about all things selfie, I can’t really tell. She then ran through her slays, ciaos and dils, and showed the girls how it was done before introducing Jourdan Dunn, who stroked her ego and tasked the girls with shooting a selfie promoting Jourdan’s label with the winning girl getting a shoutout to her 2 million followers and win their selected outfit.

Rio was super confident about her performance and opted to use that to call Kyla stupid again, while she struggled. Khrystyana spoke about her social media following taking off after posting most real photos of herself, then gave Erin some selfie advice against her will. Though TBH, and I know I just love Khrystyana, it kind of seemed like Erin was appreciating it at the time. Erin and Kyla struggled, while Sandra and Jeana slayed with the latter scoring the shoutout.

After getting shaded by Rio again, Kyla pulled her aside to clear the air and see why she called her stupid. Kyla wasn’t really buying Rio’s excuses, and Rio didn’t really ever seem to want to show any compassion.

We got another Tyra mail where the girls learned they would be posing with male models with dad bods, which made engaged virgin Sandra nervous about disrespecting her fiance and Rio disgusted about posing with ‘fat-arse dudes’, her words, not mine. When Khrystyana once again spoke about all bodies being beautiful, Rio got passive aggressive and waved at all the girls to let them know she isn’t that insensitive and to relax. Erin sat there and gave her killer side eye, and I loved it.

Rio, fuck off.

At the shoot, the girls learned that not only would they be sharing the frame with men. They would be casting their shoot partners from a bevy of thick (and juicy) men. Well except for Jeana, who won the chance to pose with brawny supermodel Zach Miko. Oh and they would all be dripping in gold paint.

At casting, Erin and Shanice flirted up a storm while Rio was disgusted by all the fat, ugly manses. Of topic, but does she realise she is being filmed … or is she just a fucking moron? Like she thinks Kyla is.

Drew arrived to coach them on the shoot where Erin slayed, Khrystyana was nervous about how the men would treat her after being triggered about her molestation last week, ultimately unable to get out of her head. Nor good Sandra, who was concerned people from her religion would be unhappy about her shooting with the men. Thankfully Rio’s repulsion showed, struggling to manage a decent frame before Kyla slayed the shoot, and asked the question everyone is asking, when does freaking Life Size 2 come out? Brendi K and Shanice were strong, while Jeana and Zach kinda seemed to struggle. But Zach’s insecurity was totally cute, so I’m sure he pulled it out.

At panel, the girls discovered that Law took the week off so the judges would be joined by Jourdan Dunn for the week. Jeana’s attitude started to creep up, though I can’t deny that she slayed the shoot. Brendi K did well, Shanice killed it and Khrystyana’s fear got the better of her, landing her her worst photo of the season. Erin looked flawless, Sandra’s (admittedly bad) photo was read for filth, Rio was owned by the ugly fat bastard disgusting her (again, she is fucked) and Kyla owned the shoot. While I feel like you really don’t need me to run through it, Kyla won best photo, Jeana got silver and Shanice the bronze. Tragically Rio only landed in the bottom three, while poor Khrystyana joined Sandra in the bottom two … and as Sandra knew from the moment they stepped forward, she was eliminated from the competition.

While I absolutely adore Sandra and think she is a complete sweetheart, I do agree with Ty-Ty that she is better suited to beauty campaigns. Obviously I did not tell her that when she ran into my arms backstage. And well, since I’m not actually a model scout … maybe my opinion doesn’t matter. Lols, of course it does. Anyway, Sandra was such a sweetheart and is beautiful in the holistic way that Rio seemingly never will able to be. As such, I whipped her up a delicious Sandra Khebab to honour her beautiful nature.

 

 

These little babies have it all … and then some. Spicy, sweet with a little bit of a kick, these kebabs are the perfect way to provide warming comfort, while still feeling like you haven’t been too naughty. I mean, kebabs are healthy no matter what, right?

Enjoy!

 

 

Sandra Khebab
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 cup natural yogurt
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
¼ tsp cinnamon
1 tbsp chilli flakes
5 garlic cloves, minced
1 lemon, zested and juiced
salt and pepper, to taste
1kg chicken thighs, cut into a large dice
1 large red onion, cut into eighths
1 red capsicum, cut into 1-2cm squares
vegetable oil, for greasing the grill

Method
Combine the yogurt, olive oil, paprika, cumin, coriander, cinnamon, chilli flakes, garlic, and zest and juice with a good whack of salt and pepper.

Chuck a piece of chicken on a metal skewer, followed by the onion, another piece of chicken, the capsicum … and continue until it is filled. Then continue doing skewers until all the meat and veggies are gone. Tightly place the kebabs into a baking dish and pour over the marinade. Cover in cling and place in the fridge for a couple of hours, but preferably overnight to allow the lemon juice to really permeate the meat. Don’t you just love permeating meat?

To cook, preheat the oven to 180C.

Place a wire rack over a lined baking sheet and line the skewers leaving about 1cm between them. Transfer to the oven and bake for about ten minutes before flipping, basting with leftover marinade – from in the baking dish, FYI – and cooking a further ten minutes.

Transfer to a platter and devour greedily as a side, or with some Michael Flatley Bread or Pita Andre Bread and some salad.

 

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Madonna Kebab

Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Goldenade, Main, Street Food

After tipping over the halfway point of my Grammy Gold celebration, Goldenade … and just getting back from visiting another deceased friend in the form of Tom – after Whits and the thankfully still alive Burt – I knew I needed to see someone that made me feel all shiny and new. And no one makes me feel like that, quite like my girl Madonna.

Yes ladies and gentleman – I am friends with the icon that is Madonna. Dare I say it, I am actually the person that made her who she is today. And that is not an overstatement in the slightest.

I first met Madge when she was a bit player in bands in the late ‘70s before inspiring her to drop her last name and head off on a solo career. Badda bing, badda boom, ‘83 rolled around and her debut album was released … thanks to me.

I then co-wrote all the songs on Like a Virgin, inspired her to parlay her music career into an acting one and most importantly, gave her the idea for – not to mention 90% of the poses – her hit book Sex. Fun fact: I have the only copy of outtakes which even I deemed too explicit for publication. But damn, Vanilla sure could ice me, baby …

Anyway, Madge was thrilled to drop by and celebrate the Grammys – on the proviso that her superfan and my fellow friend Michelle Visage came nowhere near her – and run the odds on this year’s pop performances.

She agreed – albeit begrudgingly – that Ed Sheeran will win Best Solo Pop Performance (because everyone loves white bread), Despacito will take out Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Seth MacFarlane will snag Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album over Bob Dylan and Ke$ha will snag her first Grammy for Best Pop Vocal Album.

Such exhausting and necessary work required something that packed enough energy, comfort and booze-sopping ability, so I quickly hauled-arse to the kitchen and whipped up a delightful Madonna Kebab.

 

 

Rich, spicy and fresh, there is nothing better than a kebab to fill your heart with joy. Or song even, I guess. Add in some fresh salad and a slather of natural yoghurt and I feel like life is no longer a mystery, as like a prayer, this kebab can take you there.

Enjoy!

 

 

Madonna Kebab
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
500g lamb mince
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
½ tsp onion powder
½ tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp chilli flakes
sea salt and pepper, to taste
8 Pita Andre Bread
iceberg lettuce, finely shredded
1 red onion, thinly sliced
1 red capsicum, sliced
Greek yoghurt, to taste

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the mince in a large bowl with the garlic, spices, and salt and pepper, and scrunch together in your hands until smooth. Shape into 24 meatballs and place on a lined baking sheet, transfer to the oven and bake for 20 minutes or until cooked through.

Toast pitas, split in half – and those halves open – and fill with lettuce, onion and capsicum, top with a couple of meatballs, slather in Greek yoghurt before devouring, greedily.

 

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