Mattella Farrownies awaiting a crestfallen Matt Farrelly after he became the eleventh boot of Australian Survivor.

Mattella Farrownies

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor David and Luke were left alone on the new Champions tribe and while they navigated some early tribals, Shaun was stolen to their tribe and reunited the Contenders. This meant the boys had to both play their idols at the next tribal council and while thankfully David found another one, that doesn’t guarantee both of their safety for very long. Meanwhile the new Contenders tribe was dominated by Champions with Harry pitting himself against JaQueen, which is a more rookie mistake than anything Andy comes up with. This lead to the Champs throwing the immunity challenge to flush his idol out and knock him down a peg, which meant poor Casey sadly became collateral damage.

We checked in with Champions that night with John talking non-stop about the erotic nature of a mexican parmigiana, filling Daisy and Shaun with joy and my basement. Well, let’s just say it was well and truly flooded.

The next morning Harry was casing the Contenders beach in the hopes of finding himself a second idol, while Ross and Abbey watched the sunrise. JaQueen checked in with Harry to see if he ever slept, not so subtly letting him know that everyone can see through his searching. The tribe then sat around to have breakfast while Harry commenced his hunt once again, with Ross thankfully deciding it was critical to follow him to ensure that he doesn’t find it. Ross returned to the Holy Trinity of Pia, Abbey and JaQueen to share that he sadly lost Harry, while Simon walked right past the idol clue completely unaware. As Harry continued to search without a care in the world, he finally spotted the clue and mother fucker, it directed him to it being hidden high up in the shelter. Matt stumbled upon the scene and Harry asked that he help him get the tribe out of camp so that he can snatch the idol and try and use it to save themselves.

Back at the Champions tribe David was tucking his idol in like the total zaddy that he is, thankful that he has had a tumultuous run, as it will mean a great story should he make it to final tribal. While he and Luke hung out at camp, they watched the rest of the tribe shamelessly hunting for the idol in the shore, laughing at the futility of their search. While he was confident with his idol, David knew he had to smooth things over with Shaun so pulled him aside to float the idea of working together after the merge due to the fact they will quickly become the targets. Shaun shared this intel with Andy and John, before vowing to us to slit Dave’s throat when he least expects it. Which sounds super aggressive when you write it, so let’s go with take him out. Oh and Harry snatched the idol back at the Contenders beach. Womp womp.

Jonathan, his guns and the Tower of Terror returned for the latest reward challenge where the tribes would be blindfolded at the top of the tower, walk a plank, snatch a ring, dive into the ocean and chuck their ring on a peg. First tribe to three snatching victory in the form of a pub visit, complete with a parma and pint. Luke and Harry went first with Luke making quick work of the beam, diving in and landing his ring just as Harry belly flopped Monika style. Janine and Baden were next to face off with JaQueen tragically missing her shot, giving Baden another chance to score a point for his tribe. Abbey started to break down atop the tower while Andy and Ross faced off, with Andy axing himself as he belly flopped and King Ross slightly closing the gap. Pia and John went next with the Looking for Alibrandi icon struggling without the ability to see as John secured victory for the tribe, and more importantly, parma for himself. As is oft the case, Jonathan then gave the victors the chance to steal someone to share the spoils with them tragically giving Harry a feed to go with his second idol.

Back at camp the Contenders were feeling miserable, with Matt realising that he is the Michael Jordan in this twisted version of Space Jam. And just like that, I love him again. The OG Champs sat around eating some beans while poor Matt loitered around waiting for his one, albeit shitty friend to return. Meanwhile over at the reward site, the Champs were giddy to find a couple of freshly tapped kegs and a table full of parmas. This made Zaddy John the happiest he has ever been, though sadly not happy enough to strip off for a celebratory nudie run. While I sulked on my coach, Harry filled everyone in on what went down at the previous tribal council and pointed out that the Champions are impenetrable. Which made Luke and David super awkward. Harry continued to charm his former friends, suggesting they all start calling JaQueen the godmother to piss her off. Harry and Shaun then caught up by the shore with Daisy and a loitering Andy, with Harry keeping the intel about his idol quiet to get them thinking about throwing a challenge to secure the numbers ahead of the merge.

Speaking of thrown challenges, Jonathan returned for next immunity challenge with Andy super smug about taking control for his fellow Contenders. The challenge involved the tribe sliding from a tower to collect numbers, then using said numbers to release a hammer which they use to smash four targets to release bags of puzzle pieces … which the remaining pair use to solve said puzzle and snatch immunity. Matt got the Contenders out to an early lead snatching two while Daisy barely snatched one. Simon too grabbed two leaving the rest to just enjoy the slide while the Champs tried to close the gap. When it came to smashing the targets the Contenders only extended their lead, despite the valiant efforts of David and John. Pia and Harry commenced work on the puzzle with Baden and Andy trying to close the gap. Well Baden was at least, as Andy desperately tried to waste his time and throw the challenge with the subtlety of his arrogant confessional style. As Pia and Harry powered ahead, Baden tried to work against Andy’s obvious lack of interest. He then started throwing pieces on the ground and started to piss off his own allies too while Baden valiantly overcame the deficit and somehow managed to secure immunity singlehandedly for the tribe.

Back at camp the tribe were lamenting their losses, while JaQueen was pragmatic about it, grateful that at least the loss meant that they could get rid of the threat in the form of Harry. Particularly since he is targeting her. Sadly for her, she didn’t believe that Harry has an idol so planned to load all the votes on him and get rid of him. Meanwhile Harry and Matt caught up at the shelter with Harry letting him know about the idol, and after deciding that Janine has an idol, he decided to target Pia instead. He and Matt then decided that they need to try and get Simon and Ross on board to avoid burning their idol. Matt approached Simon, who admitted that before the tribe swap he was a sitting duck which lead to Matt pushing hard for him to make a move before he ends up in fifth place. Sadly for him though, he has made it obvious he is very anti Champion, so I don’t know that he is an enticing proposition.

Harry then worked on Ross, with the King wanting to know what the hell Harry offers any of them. While Ross did admit to wanting to shake things up, Harry wasn’t convinced so he started to fake cry by the shore about losing the shot at his dream. This obviously touched sweet Ross, who felt bad about screwing Harry’s idol find, or so he thought, and even offered to get voted out instead. Ross approached JaQueen and Abbey to let them know about Harry’s (fake) breakdown, with the girls feeling far less sympathetic than Ross. As it grew closer to tribal council Pia started to get nervous about the vote ahead, since she isn’t feeling nervous and I hope she knows that she should feel nervous. You follow?

At tribal council Matt and Harry each popped a stick in their mouths before the latter spoke about his love for Janine and wanting to play against her as one of the strongest players in the game. JaQueen deflected his compliment, before Pia admitted that they are frenemies and that she may not want to go up against him yet. Janine spoke about the different ways in which all the members of the alliance lead and shared that she is really gutted that they lost the immunity challenge. Matt piped up to talk about how frustrating it is to be back at tribal council given the former Champions have an easy path to the merge, while he and Harry are kinda screwed. JaQueen pointed out that Harry is a cockroach, which is a compliment, before the Champs agreed that if everything goes to plan, Harry will finally be exterminated. Matt then said that that still doesn’t make him feel very safe, which made the girls feel nervous.

Harry then interrupted proceedings to ask the boys to come aside and identify one of the girls to vote out and become an alliance of four with no one on the top. Matt jumped in to point out that he spoke to Simon and found out that he is definitely on the bottom of his alliance, while Ross appeared to almost be convinced given his love of Harry’s socks. With that that tribe voted as Ross kinda loudly whispered that Matt and Harry would be voting for Pia, while Harry was super cocky while playing his second idol which then lead to JaQueen pulling her idol out of her pocket. The votes rolled in with Harry negating three and the remaining piling up on Pia and Matt. The tribe then revoted and thankfully – because I am passionate about Pia – poor Matt found himself exiting the game.

While he is full of bravado, Matt is straight up one of the sweetest men I have ever met. Speaking of met, we’ve known each other for years crossing paths at a wrestling match. I was drawn to see someone going by the name of Wahlberg hoping for a bit of Boogie Nights action in some lycra and while it was far less sexy that I hoped, I found a true friend as we bonded over a love of history. Given how close we are, I knew there was one thing that would take him straight out of his post-boot funk – Mattella Farrownies.

 

Matt Farrelly hoping that a tray of Mattella Farrownies will dull the pain of becoming the eleventh boot of Australian Survivor.

 

This Nigella number is quite possibly the quickest, easiest sweet you could possibly make. Add to that, the fact that it is insanely delicious and you’d be mad not to whip it up if your friend is heartbroken to not make the jury. Even when you reassure them that you would still date them, despite the loser status.

Enjoy!

 

Mat Farrelly hoping that a tray of Mattella Farrownies will dull the pain of becoming the eleventh boot of Australian Survivor.

 

Mattella Farrownies
Serves: 1 sad wrestler and his friend that wants him to love him.

Ingredients
8 large eggs
kosher salt, to taste
500g Nutella
1 tbsp icing sugar, to dust

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Crack the eggs into your stand mixer with and a good pinch of salt, and beat until stiff peaks form. About five minutes or so.

Meanwhile, decant the Nutella into a microwave dish and heat for a minute, or until it is lightly warmed and a bit more malleable. Still whisking the eggs, pour the nutella into the bowl in a slow, continuous stream until it is just combined.

Transfer the batter into a lined 30x30cm baking tin, and cook for 15-20 minutes, or until dry on the top but set-yet-tender in the middle.

Leave to cool completely in the tin before carving up, dusting with icing sugar and devouring. Preferably off the torso of a tall, bleach blonde man.

 

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Jenna Lewiscuits waiting for our fellow fame hungry Survivor All Star Jenna Lewis.

Jenna Lewiscuits

Side, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: All Stars, Survivor: Borneo, Survivor: Island of the Idols

Well lookie here, can you believe we’re almost back for another season to see whether we can do a more elaborate shark jumping than last season? I mean, sure, Chris broke the pizza curse by returning to the game and securing victory, but can we be sure if pizza won’t be a curse when you don’t have a safety net? Who knows.

In any event, I stick by the old adage that bad Survivor is still better than no Survivor and last season did give us the majesty of Chris’ package and flashy – not in an Australian Survivor way, sadly – end game if something I will defend until my last breath.

Given last season’s countdown finally caught me up on having the suite of victors dropping by on record, I decided that it was time to celebrate some of the non-winning icons of the game. And while Jenna may not be remembered fondly for turning on the winners in All Stars, I will always hold a special place for her in my heart.

I mean, she was one of the few people to try and break apart the tagi alliance in Borneo, famously missed out on a video from home as her family forgot and then returned to All Stars and famously set the tone, cutting Tina first and making all winners targets.

She was thrilled and honestly, kinda shocked, to receive a call asking her to drop by and help me countdown to Island of the Idols since as she put it “I’m not what most people would consider a legend of the game.” Which truly kinda broke my heart.

I explained to her as one of the few people to vote for Rob to win All Stars, I considered her a rational gamer and felt wistful wondering what the timeline would look like had he won that game. I assume no Mariano duo in the potential and definitely not confirmed by spoilers season of winners at war … with each other, for instance.

With that, she giddily accepted the fact that being a returnee was enough to get and invite while we smashed some culinary sacrifices in the form of Jenna Lewiscuits, to guarantee Rob and Sandra don’t help the contestants on their island and instead troll them into making bad mistakes.

 

Jenna Lewis moments before smashing some Jenna Lewiscuits.

 

Fluffy and melt in your mouth, biscuits truly are a thing of glory – just ask Latrice ‘Slop-It-Up-With-A-Biscuit’ Royale! Not quite bread, not quite a scone, these babies are the perfect accompaniment for sausage gravy. If only Sam knew!

Enjoy!

 

Jenna Lewis smashing some Jenna Lewiscuits.

 

Jenna Lewiscuits
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
3 cups flour, plus more for dusting
⅓ cup milk powder
2 tbsp raw caster sugar
1 ½ tbsp baking powder
1 tbsp cream of tartar
2 tsp kosher salt
125g butter, cut into pieces, plus extra for brushing
½ cup shortening, melted
1 ½ cups buttermilk

Method
Preheat the oven to 200C.

Combine all the dry ingredients in a bowl. Add the butter and press through the dry ingredients with the tips of your fingers until it resembles wet sand. Add the shortening and stir to combine before adding in the buttermilk and folding through.

Transfer to a lightly floured surface and knead until just combined. Flatten into a one inch thick slab of dough and cut into two inch wide circles. Place on a lined baking sheet, brush with some melted butter and repeat the process until the dough is all used.

Place the biscuits in the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until puffed and golden.

Serve immediately – with or without sausage gravy – and devour.

 

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Reubannah Pentato Salad waiting to be giddily destroyed by Hannah Pentreath.

Reubannah Pentato Salad

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Main, Salad, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the Contenders dominated the early game, securing immunity after immunity (after immunity) while the Champs just enjoyed rewards and nothing else. I mean, not even each other’s company after the great power shift at their second tribal. In the early stages, Luke and Harry found two full idols, while Janine and Shaun found idols which were only valid for the other tribe. David then borrowed JaQueen’s idol note, made his own and traded it with Shaun for the real one. After a tribe swap left David and Luke without any allies and Daisy without her bestie Shaun, she decided to make some new friends, flipping on her OG tribe and saving the boys with an assist from Baden and John, blindsiding Sam and then sending Queen Sarah out of the game … after putting her through the trauma of a near-drowning challenge. May I remind you she survived a damn tsunami and deserves more than that.

We checked in with the Contenders where Janine was getting to know Harry, asking him to regale her with tales of his fake son. While I wasn’t a fan of Harry to start, I honestly love that everyone was so interested about his life with his son and he managed to fool them all, despite not remembering his name consistently. Harry, I’m sorry if I’ve been mean – I love you, you sweet family man you.

Over at Camp Champ Baden and Luke were on the hunt for coconuts, with the vet teaching the young whipper snapper how to tell if they are any good. Sadly his skills weren’t on the money though, as he cracked a rotten coconut. Speaking of rotten coconuts, Andy was loving his closest ally in the game David, however sadly for him, David had zero interest in aligning with him. And that makes me so happy. David was thrilled about his new majority alliance though, laughing and frolicking in the water with Luke and John. Sadly for Dave though his other close ally Daisy is missing her former bestie Shaun and that is making him jealous.

Speaking of Shaun he and the Contenders were worried about rain rolling in later that day, which is not a euphemism for them heading to tribal council and him being on the outs. Controlling the tribe are Jaqueen, Pia and Abbey who are worried about the threat that David poses, figuring that they need to take out his closest friends to weaken him before they can strike. With that JaQueen and Abbey approached Shaun to fill him in on the fact that his idol was fake and damn JaQueen, you’re a bloody icon. The next day Shaun was feeling hella salty before he unwrapped said fake idol to find that it was clearly David’s home job and slowly became enraged and ready for revenge.

My boy Jonathan arrived to lord over the reward challenge with an assist from his stun(ning) gun(s), where one at a time, two people would face off against someone from the rival tribe to knock the other’s idol off a perch. For DIY toasties, which TBH is pretty lazy of JLP but he is hot, so whatever. Luke finally defeated Matt in round one, Hannah then evened things up against Pia – driven by her hate for Matt calling her weak – before Zaddy John pulled his own idol of its perch, handing the Contenders their second point. Tragically the icon himself Ross was defeated by Sonic impersonator Andy, while Baden was bested by Harry the family man in a dance fight. Daisy made quick work of Abbey … by exascerbating a previous knee injury which is fucking savage. Shaun and has nemesis David were the next to face off and while Shaun scored the point, we won as they held each other while shirtless. John and Harry faced off, if you could call it that, as John dived under his legs, grabbed the idol and secured victory for the Champions. The tribes then mingled and congratulating each other on a challenge well played before Shaun whispered to Daisy that David handed off a dud idol and she needed to get rid of him ASAP.

The Champions returned to camp with David smarting over continually lose to Shaun in their face offs. Thankfully that sadness didn’t last long as they discovered the toastie ingredients and a bunch of personalised plate from their families. We then learnt that Zaddy John is a doting uncle to two beautiful nieces and I honestly love him more and more each episode. We then learnt that David is a loving father of three and I love him too. Baden’s plate featured his cat which again, is iconic, while Daisy broke down about her message from home and then learnt more about the ravages of drought and honestly the drought is fucked, despite how beautiful the farm looked. They got to work assembling their sandies, licking up the cheese goop and then straight up toasting sandwiches that fell in the fire and sadly for John, burning his plate. While everyone was distracted by Luke overeating and almost vomiting, Daisy pulled Baden aside to fill him in on fake-idol gate – and throw shade at Andy – and they planned to keep it quiet until they figure out how to deal with him.

Back at the Contenders Ross continued to be a total cutie, trying to snatch Harry’s socks while JaQueen, Abbey and Pia bonded on the beach and gushed about how much they love each other. They weren’t loving Harry and his shiftiness however, with Janine deciding that he needs to go ASAP. As he loitered around the bushes, wondering why he hadn’t made any allies. Shaun and the Champion girls got together by the fire, hopeful that Daisy will deal with David on their behalf. Later that night Harry grew hopeful that his idol could ingratiate him with his fellow OG Contenders, sharing the news and suggesting they use it to idol out JaQueen. And just like that, I don’t like Harry anymore.

Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where someone would chop through a rope to release blocks, while the six others walked two of said blocks through obstacles before untying knots to release poles which they then need to use to knock nine more blocks down … before using all the blocks to build a tower. The first to finish their tower snatching immunity. John and Ross were first up and to quote Jonathan, they punished their log until John got the Champions out to a slight lead. The Champions continued to extend their lead, almost lapping the Contenders. The Champions continued to extend their lead, starting on the tower before the others had even wrangled their poles. Shaun desperately tried to close the gap while Baden and Andy stood on David and Luke’s shoulders to finish the tower, with Daisy barking at Baden until he saved them from certain doom by holding the tower and stopping it from falling allowing the Champions to right it, awkwardly back away and finally secure immunity.

Amidst the celebrations and commiserations, David told JaQueen to vote out Shaun, Harry hugged Daisy and told her that if he goes, Shaun is next. To make things even more exciting, Jonathan dropped the surprise that not only did the Champions secure immunity but that they would also be attending tribal council that night to watch over proceedings. Sadly sans popcorn, much to Hannah’s dismay.

Back at camp the Contenders talked about their loss and Daisy’s aggressive leadership in the challenge. JaQueen and Simon got together to confirm that the Champions need to stay strong, identifying Harry as the shiftiest and decided to load all their votes on him. Meanwhile Harry and Casey got together to talk about JaQueen’s dominance, with him deciding that they should load all their votes on her. He then decided that Casey should go tell the Champions about his idol which potentially did what he hoped, making them distrust her and decide to flip the vote on to her instead. Casey returned to the Champion women to confirm the plan to get rid of Harry, with them confirming that they don’t believe Harry has it and as such will just vote for him. Casey returned to Harry to tell him they are being shifty, with Harry deciding that he should act like a complete and utter jerk at tribal to guarantee the votes go his way to ensure his idol play works. Sadly for him though JaQueen Inc. seem fairly set on getting out Casey instead.

At tribal council the Champions happily occupied the jury bench as the Contenders filed in and sat down, with Harry chewing a twig to complete his douche performance plan. JaQueen admitted that she was feeling lucky to be in the majority of the Contenders tribe, with Harry jumping in to talk about how nervous he is about the vote ahead. Ross shared that he trusts six or seven people on the tribe, so it isn’t all about the old tribe. Casey admitted that he told her he doesn’t trust her, which left Harry to assume that he was the other odd one out. Jonathan then pointed out that David and Luke managed to beat a numbers disadvantage, with Shaun complimenting them on being charming before Harry jumped in to point out on six people were actually playing the game while the rest were just cruising. He then went back to chewing his twig while Pia and Abbey started to call him out for not knowing their tribal dynamic.

Harry then pointed out that JaQueen is clearly in charge which angered Abbey and Janine, with Abbey not liking his smug face in particular. Casey thought that Harry got under their skin, Shaun admitted that they probably don’t know the dynamic before Janine pointed out that Harry is a completely different person in tribal. This lead to Abbey and Pia questioning who he is, before Ross point blank asked him whether his child was real. He then admitted that he does not have a kid, much to Abbey’s heartbreak before Pia reminded him that as a fan, this is not exactly the way to play the game and really, he is only playing himself. Matt said he was basing his vote on strength, Shaun was hopeful that that is enough to keep him while a decidedly less aggressive Harry tried to convince them that he will be an asset come the merge.

Just as the tribe were about to head off to vote, Jonathan advised them that tonight they would not be voting someone out of the tribe but instead the Champions would be voting to steal someone to join their tribe. Much to Matt’s absolute rage. With that the Champions voted one by one, snatching Shaun to their side and leaving Matt, Casey and Harry at an even worse numbers disadvantage.

The next day Shaun was settling in well at the Champions tribe, fishing with John and Andy while celebrating everyone bonding and getting along in the beautiful palatial camp. Daisy and Hannah were walking along the beach, Luke was complimenting Baden on his darkening tan and growing likeness to Peter Andre and honestly, I’m going to stop there as it doesn’t get better than a Peter Andre reference. Wait, it does get better – JOHN IS NUDE and my basement is flooded. Daisy too was full of joy, thrilled to be reunited with her bestie Shaun. While she had enjoyed her alliance with David and Luke, Shaun told her just how tight the Champion alliance is and as such, the Contenders need to come back together to ensure that David or Luke go and they can take control of the game.

David too had noticed the shift, nervous about how quickly Shaun managed to reunite the tribe and as such, put him back in the minority. He then decided that he needs to try and win Shaun over, so got to work trying to figure out how to play the whole fake idol saga off. They went for a walk together, with David sharing that he still has his idol and Shaun lying and saying that since he has no need for it on this beach, he thinks he may hide it to trick someone into using it. David fell for it, thrilled that they could come together and he got away with his crime, unaware that Shaun has no intention of honouring the final five he suggested between them, Luke, Daisy and Zaddy John.

Meanwhile back at the scummy, segregated camp Shaun left, the remaining castaways were weakened, sad and starving. Add to that, they were nervous about Harry’s new personality and his outed lies, and you could say they were all hating life. JaQueen was most angry about Harry painting the biggest target on her back, knowing that it could come back to bite her no matter how strong she builds her alliance. Though she is very grateful for her idol. Speaking of Harry, he was suffering in his jocks after making everyone hate him for absolutely no bloody reason, though he wasn’t willing to ever give up. Simon tried to get everyone’s mood back up with a cheeky peptalk and honestly, I love how pure he appears to be. What a bloody sweetie.

Jonathan and his guns wheeled out the old tower for today’s immunity challenge where the tribes – the Champs complete with Harry’s wanky toothpicks – would race through a series of obstacles, collecting balls, taking them to the top of the tower and awaiting remaining people to pull two ropes under water to open up a goal, with the first tribe to empty all their balls into the hole winning. Simon and Matt got the Contenders out to a slight lead, while Shaun struggled while looking beautiful in his speedos. Matt then struggled at the net obstacle, allowing Shaun and Luke to close the gap and land their balls on the tip of the shaft first. The Champions continued to extend their lead, leaving poor Pia and Casey to desperately try and make up some time, eventually making it to the top while the Champions struggled to land any balls. Ross jumped in to hold the Contenders goal open allowing Simon to score goal after goal, while the Champions remained on nothing. I’d like to pretend it was exciting to watch but Simon completely dominated, handing Contenders immunity and sending the warring Champions to tribal council.

Back at camp the Champions were shocked to lose the challenge, though Shaun quickly rallied and decided to lock in a split vote on David and Luke, unaware that their two idols could decide everything. Poor Hannah started to come down sick, with David and Luke approaching Daisy to suggest they get rid of Hannah instead. Meanwhile Shaun rallied Andy, John, Baden and Hannah to lock in the split vote. Hannah finally got a damn confessional, sharing that she is key to the plan and really needs to sell the fact that she thinks she is going home to ensure David doesn’t play his idol. Speaking of David, he was confident in the rest of the tribe going after Hannah instead of taking out he and Luke – aka the obvious targets – since nobody is playing on their level.  Andy being Andy decided that keeping David and Luke may actually work out in his favour, telling them to play their idol(s), save themselves and join him to take out Daisy. While Luke and David didn’t really think that they could trust Andy, they didn’t really have time to figure out what was happening before heading out to tribal.

At said tribal council Jonathan threw a little bit of shade at Shaun bombing the last challenge, before the adonis spoke about how grateful he was to be reunited with his friends. Daisy lay it on thick, talking about how even if he was terrible at challenges she would want him back as she trusts him implicitly. Hannah spoke about being on the bottom of the tribe for votes, Andy said he trusted his word while Luke straight up said that he planned to vote for her, though given he and David kept whispering, me thinks that is a lie. Daisy spoke about keeping the tribe strong while David and Luke continued to whisper amongst themselves. David then mentioned that he heard his name while Luke did some bad acting to pretend he wasn’t in on it – which is honestly iconic – while Daisy spoke about being confused as David pulled his idol out of his pocket. He then vowed to play the idol, which Shaun wasn’t convinced was a legit plan and was looking forward to finding out his plan. Andy wished he had an idol, Hannah asked if David would play the idol on her, while David said that she knows she doesn’t need it. Daisy was concerned about whose name was on the block then, with David and Luke continuing to whisper to figure who to pile their votes on and send home, should they play their idols.

With that the tribe voted, David and Luke both played their idols negating three votes on David and needlessly burning Lukes, while the remaining votes were tied for Shaun and Hannah. With a rando one for Daisy, which adds nothing to the story other than the fact Andy is all alone. With that the tribe voted again, this time for only Hannah and Shaun, with the iconic Hannah finding herself booted from the game. While I quickly pulled her into a hug, heartbroken of all the funny confessionals they never let us see from the queen, I explained that I am glad Shaun stayed if only so he has more opportunities to join John for a cheeky nude scene.

Pun intended.

While she was kind of cut that a dear friend like me – I went to the police academy with her while researching for a role in a Police Academy reboot that went nowhere – would be relieved to see her booted, she understood that my thirst always comes first. Again pun intended. And with that, we laughed, lamented what could have been and tucked in to a family-sized bowl of Reubannah Pentato Salad.

 

Hannah Pentreath waiting to smash a Reubannah Pentato Salad after a shocking tribal council.

 

How do you make something as majestic as potato salad even better? Add a hearty helping of (Academy Award winning) Pastrami Malek and all the fixins’ of a reuben. Nutty swiss cheese, tart cornichons and spicy Russianne Hathaway Dressing work together to make majestic, magnificent.

Enjoy!

 

Hannah Pentreath smashing a Reubannah Pentato Salad after a shocking tribal council.

 

Reubannah Pentato Salad
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1kg small potatoes, halved
½ head of cabbage, shredded
⅓ cup Shayonnaise Swain
2 tbsp tomato sauce
1 tbsp horseradish cream
1 lemon, juiced
salt and pepper, to taste
200g Pastrami Malek, shredded
100g Swiss cheese, shaved
½ cup baby cornichons, halved
1 tbsp chives, roughly chopped

Method
Place the potatoes in a large saucepan with enough water to cover them, and bring to the boil.  Once rollicking, reduce to medium and simmer for 15 minutes, or until potatoes are just cooked through. Add the cabbage and cook for 30 seconds, drain and rinse under cold water to stop cooking and leave to drain slash cool for a further 15 minutes.

While the potato and cabbage is getting all chill, combine the mayo, tomato sauce, horseradish cream and lemon juice in a bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper, and leave to rest.

Combine the potatoes and dressing in a large bowl and toss until well coated. Add the pastrami, cheese, cornichons and chives and toss again.

Serve immediately and devour, sadly. Thinking of what could have been for Hannah’s game.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

The iconic Margot Robbie waiting to smash a Pistachimargot Macarobbie

Pistachimargot Macarobbie

Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Oh my god, you have no idea how good it is to reunite with a fellow hometown hero slash celebrity friend like Margot Robbie. I mean, the girl is a bonafide global star, but the fact that she still has time for her dear friends like me, on the Goldie, is one of my favourite things about her.

While Margot was actually my friend’s little sister’s friend, we got to hanging out in the kitchen on sleepovers eating vegemite toast – as good Australian’s do – and planning our ascesion to Hollywood royalty.

We were both dominating the high school drama game with our talent and je ne sais quoi, but knew we were destined for greatness. I know my Hollywood staying power dates back to the ‘20s, however I had to assume a new identity after my thirteenth deportation. It truly was the lucky one, since I met Margs.

Given I was still trying to find a way to return to Hollywood, I suggested Margot takes over Australia instead. That led to Neighbours, which led to a Logie which always leads to a role opposite my dear friend Leo in a film by my friend Marty. Then came Allison, an Oscar nomination and no doubt that Margot was even more of a Gold Coast legend than me.

Sadly Margot and I haven’t seen each other since her Byron wedding – the first time I went back after Annelie and Miley had the cage-fight accident – but truly beautiful friendships can always pick back up as if no time has past.

We laughed, we gossiped about Quentin’s tenth and final movie – she thinks she can get him to drop the restraining order and give me a role – and most importantly smashed a pick batch of Pistachimargot Macarobbie.

 

The iconic Margot Robbie smashing a Pistachimargot Macarobbie

 

Sweet like Margot, nutty like me, these little babies are essentially the culinary equivalent of a best friend bracelet and you, my friends, can finally get in on the action. And you should, because we are cool and the macarons are delicious.

Enjoy!

 

The iconic Margot Robbie smashing a Pistachimargot Macarobbie

 

Pistachimargot Macarobbie
Serves: 2 besties.

Ingredients
¾ cup almond meal
½ cup pistachio meal
1 ½ cups icing sugar
4 egg whites
¼ cup raw caster sugar
¼ cup finely chopped pistachios
3 drops green food colouring
100g white chocolate, chopped
2 tbsp double cream

Method
Sift almond and pistachio meals together with the icing sugar in a medium bowl. Set aside.

Place the whites in a clean, dry electric mixer and beat until soft peaks form. Add the caster sugar one tablespoon at a time and beat until dissolved. Then add food colouring and beat until just combined. Remove from the mixer and gently fold through the meals until just combined, thick and glossy.

Transfer mixture to a piping bag and pipe into 4cm rounds on lined baking sheets. Sprinkle with chopped pistachios and tap on the bench to remove air bubbles. Leave to set for an hour.

Preheat oven to 130°C.

Place the cookies in the oven, one tray at a time, and back for twenty minutes, or until the tops are firm. Remove to cool on the tray on wire racks.

While they’re cooking, place the chocolate and cream in a microwave-safe bowl and cook for a minute, or until the chocolate has melted. Stir to combine and transfer to the fridge for ten minutes, or until thick yet spreadable.

Spoon mixture into a large snaplock bag. Snip 1cm from 1 corner of bag. Pipe 4cm rounds of mixture onto prepared trays, 4cm apart. Sprinkle each macaron with pistachio. Tap trays on bench to remove air bubbles. Set aside for 1 hour.

To assemble, place a small dollop of icing on the flat side of a cookie and sandwich with another. Repeat the process until done and leave to set for an hour or so. Or just devour, I don’t mind.

 

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Sam Schoesage Gravy awaiting Australian Survivor's shocked seventh boot Sam Schoers.

Sam Schoesage Gravy

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Condiment, Gravy, Sauce, Side, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Daisy and Shaun had formed a tight bond on the Contenders tribe, however given they’ve only lost one immunity challenge, we haven’t had the chance to see whether the pair were in power. After finding an idol for the other tribe Shaun thought he had struck gold, switching it with David for the correct one. Sadly however David was playing him, having made a fake to trade out for the real thing, giving David, Janine and Luke’s alliance control of all the idols in the game. While the Champions continued to take out reward challenges, they couldn’t get it together in the immunity challenges leading to another date with Jonathan at tribal council. While David’s overconfidence started to prove off putting with Janine, Abbey and Pia enough to float the idea of blindsiding him, the alliance stood firm and poor E.T. found himself making an escape from the game.

That night the Champs were awoken from their restful slumber to find a big old crab crawling around Janine. As screaming turned to laughter, the tribe madly tried to exile it for the tribe before sadly wondering where E.T. is when they need him.

The next morning we checked in with the Contenders as they sat around for a hearty breakfast of rice as Baden tried to snap twigs. Shaun was feeling confident, owning an idol he doesn’t realise is fake and have tight allies in Daisy and John. That being said he didn’t trust Harry or Andy as far as he can throw them, so instead of trying to play against them, he opted to bring in Andy so shared with him the fact he had an idol and vowed to use it to protect them all come a swap or merge. While sweet Shaun was just trying to help, Andy was a shady jerk and called him stupid and while it wasn’t Shaun’s best move, I don’t like people being mean about him.

Jonathan returned for the latest reward challenge where the tribes discovered that psyche, it isn’t a reward challenge, it is time to drop their buffs as it is switch time. Everyone reached into Jonathan sacks to get their new buffs, with the new Contenders tribe comprised of OG’s Matt, Harry, Shaun and Casy with Janine, Abbey, Pia, Ross and Simon while Luke and David were alone on the Champions tribe with ring-ins Hannah, Andy, Sarah, Sam, Baden, Daisy and John.

We followed the new Contenders back to camp where we finally heard from Simon, who was thrilled to narrowly escape his impending boot while Janine, Abbey and Pia were concerned about the downgrade in their living conditions. Harry was concerned about his place in the new tribe given he is in the automatic minority, so commenced sharing stories of his non-existent child to win over the new tribe members. And damn it, it is actually working. Meanwhile over at the new Champions tribe the ex-Contenders were thrilled to discover their palatial new digs, complete with bounties of fruit and a calm bay. Andy was particularly thrilled, given his mega-majority on the tribe. On the flipside David and Luke were not happy to find themselves at the bottom, with Luke valiantly trying to assure David that they will figure something out. And given they both have idols, I have a feeling they will.

Jonathan made a speedy return for the latest reward challenge where the tribes are all paired up squatting on either sides of a pole with a bar tethered between them around a pole with the last pair standing without knocking over the pole winning immunity for their tribe. For some reason the tribe called for even numbers, so Casey and Baden sat out for their tribes. Hannah and Sarah were the first ones out for the new Champs, followed closely by Matt and Harry and Shaun and Simon for the Contenders. John and Andy dropped out next, leaving Janine and Abbey, and Pia and Ross to battle it out against Luke and David, and Sam and Daisy. Luke and David were the next to drop, leaving it up to Sam – who I still look forward to meeting – and Daisy to defeat Janine and Abbey after Ross and Pia finally dropped. As the challenge rolled on Luke grew desperate, asking Janine and Abbey to throw the challenge while the four women stood motionless. Eventually Daisy and Sam grew weak, knocking over their pole and handing the new Contenders immunity. Because JaQueen is what? A damn queen.

Back at camp Andy was super excited to be attending tribal council and can’t wait to get rid of Luke and David, which I desperately hope comes back to bite him big time. He then decided it is now time to take control of a vote, suggesting they split the vote on Luke and David to guarantee one of their demises … which he insufferably thinks is a plan that he has come up with and has never been done before. Thankfully both Luke and David have idols around their necks so know that they are safe if it comes down to it, however they’d rather not use them and find a crack. Luke approached Baden who was tragically Contender strong, while David tried to make inroads with Sam and while she had no desire to flip and save them, he arrogance annoyed the formerly arrogant David who decided she would be his target. One by one they worked their way around the tribe, trying to make those left behind paranoid and hopefully stumble upon a crack.

Andy then decided it was a great idea to share the information about David’s idol and the fact it came from Shaun and Daisy, with the former stumbling upon the conversation and instantly being filled with rage. Daisy then approached John to vent to him about Andy’s loose lips, realising that she would rather stay align with Luke and David instead. They opted to target Sam and then got to work finding another person to vote with, identifying Baden as their best shot. While Baden wasn’t thrilled to work with unknown quantities, he assured Daisy that should they get Luke and David on board, then he will vote with them. With that, Daisy approached the boys to float getting rid of Sam which they obviously were all in on. More importantly, they were thrilled not to have to burn their idols. Though maybe they should as Baden isn’t 100% sure flipping at this vote is a good idea. We then heard from Andy who still thinks a vote split is his genius idea and ugggh.

At tribal council Luke was open about how nervous he felt walking in to tribal with such a mega minority while David played it more coy, sharing that he is hopeful that the tribes will be able to intermingle. Andy spoke about how strongly bonded the Contenders are, while Baden was vague and non-committal in his response before Daisy straight up admitted that the Contenders won’t stay aligned for very long. Sarah meanwhile was hopeful that the Contenders would stick together while we heard Sam’s voice for the first time as she confirmed that she thinks it is a bad idea to work with David and Luke at this time. The latter opted to stir up some drama and admitted that cracks are there and he is hopeful that he has found it, while Andy desperately tried to praise them for being great, unaware that the jury doesn’t start until the merge. David then opted to threatened the OG Contenders, pointing out that their are perks in people’s pockets and the winds of change are starting to blow. Andy started to appear nervous, Zaddy John spoke about the idols scaring him while Baden just desperately hoped to fall on the right side of the numbers, earning an eye roll from Andy. Daisy then said her vote is based on what she thinks is right before the tribe went off to vote, wait no, Andy wanted to peacock for another minute, getting up to talk to John and confirm that he is voting for Luke, earning nervous looks from his allies and a look of pure rage from Daisy.

The tribe then legit went off to vote with Andy pulling off a supremely smug coin flip to decide that he would be voting for Luke and sending him home. Sadly for him that wasn’t the case, as even without them playing their idols, they managed to find the cracks and send Sam out of the game with Daisy, John and Baden’s help. While she was completely shocked to be out of the game so soon, she took it in her stride and instead had to comfort me as I raged about her lack of screentime on the show.

“You were an icon on The Amazing Race Australia! How dare they not give you some confessionals?! This is out of order. I can’t take it, I’m feeling VERY ATTACKED RIGHT NOW.”

Eventually she got through to me, reminding me that while she tragically left I still had John and he gets nude every couple of episodes. With that, my spirits lifted and I got to work whipping up a big vat of Sam Schoesage Gravy.

 

Sam Schoers working through the shock of becoming the seventh boot of Australian Survivor with a bowl of Sam Schoesage Gravy.

 

I know it either sounds as sexual as I am – who doesn’t love sausage gravy, though – or down right fowl, but I promise you, there is nothing quite as delicious as this Southern delight. Whether you’re eating it straight from the batch, or sopping it up with a [redacted], Latrice Royale-style, it instantly fills you with joy and reminds you that at least one good thing originated in the south.

Enjoy!

 

Sam Schoers working through the shock of becoming the seventh boot of Australian Survivor with a bowl of Sam Schoesage Gravy.

 

Sam Schoesage Gravy
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
500g breakfast sausage
⅓ cup flour
1 tbsp chilli flakes
¼ tsp nutmeg
4 cups milk, more to taste
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Remove the sausages from their skins and cook in a large skillet over medium heat, breaking up with a wooden as you go.

Reduce heat to low and add the flour, chilli and nutmeg and cook, stirring, for a further couple of minutes. Remove from the heat and slowly stir in the milk until well combined. Return to the heat and cook, stirring, until it thickens, about ten minutes.

Add the salt and pepper, and cook for a further minute, or until thick and glorious. Devour immediately, not waiting for anything you would normally serve it with. It may spoil the fun for someone later on, you know?

 

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A delicious Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl waiting for our sixth boot.

Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Breakfast, Main, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor the poor Champions weren’t really living up to their name, nailing the reward challenges and bombing the immunity challenges. This sent them to three of the first four tribal councils, and while the athletes alliance took early control of the tribe, Queens Janine and Pia, along with David and Luke masterfully played to Abbey and Ross’ sensibilities and flipped them, taking control and sending Susie and Nova out of the game. Janine and Shaun found idols on their respective beaches however they sadly were only good for the other tribe. Janine shared the intel with David who asked to take her note, made a fake idol and traded it with Shaun’s real one, giving him and his two allies idols and poor, beautiful land mermaid Shaun with none. Once again the Champions lost immunity and despite David’s overconfidence grating on his tribe – allies and enemies alike – he managed to convince everyone to get rid of Steven.

We dropped in on the Contenders the next day where John was flooding my basement in a speedo, playing cricket – handling a bat and ball with imense skill – twerking (kinda) and being fucking hot. And that is before he got nude again and oh god, I can’t take it – I love him.

Back at the Champions tribe Ross too was being a total cutie, running around in the shore entertaining the tribe – I think trying to fish – showering by the well and receiving offers to sleep with Janine. Since she loves his smile, which is the oldest line in the book. He continued to make everyone laugh with his positive attitude, and that is before literally burning Steven’s spirit out of his jocks. Not as jovial are poor E.T. and someone called Simon we’re yet to hear from, fetching food and trying to prove their worth while seething about David’s control over the tribe given he is a babe. As attractive as he is, why am I still more turned on by John? Swoon.

But back to E.T. and Simon, they vowed not to give up and to get in with the other Champs to try and find a way out of their predicament. E.T. then went fishing with Ross and oh shit, I hope that isn’t all that he has planned. We then got a little break with superfan icon Queen Pia, who is so proud of everything that she has achieved in the game so far, despite missing her family. She also outlined her women’s alliance within her larger majority and oh damn, I didn’t think I could love her any more than I do now.

Over at the Contenders tribe Shaun was looking beautiful, even while getting his eyebrows plucked by a random girl who I think is Casey but has been too buried by the edit. Sadly poor beautiful Shaun was so proud of his perfect idol trade out and I worry that is going to come back and bite him. Because he and John need to get together.

Jonathan arrived for the first reward challenge of the week – where David’s nips were looking great – with the tribes playing tug-o-war, with the first tribe to three securing burgers. However not a Nova Peris Peri Chicken Burger, which is really a pivot. The first round saw David, Luke and Abbey face off against Shaun, Matt and Sarah, with the Champions taking the first point. Harry, Hannah and Sam were then defeated by Pia, Janine and E.T. before Shaun, Harry, Sarah and Sam got their first point on the board, crushing E.T. Janine, David and Janine. Harry, John, Matt and Shaun – who looked so damn good – evened things up with a hard fought battle against David, Ross, Simon and Luke. It came down to Shaun versus Ross and TBH, I am worried for poor Ross’ health and I hope he is ok. Wait, no, Shaun tripped and Ross won the reward and seeing him lifted over his tribe’s shoulders is honestly the most pure thing I’ve ever witnessed. To make things even more heartwarming, Jonathan allowed them to invite a Contender to join them selecting Baden … who was allowed to select a friend to go with him, rewarding Shaun for his killer effort. Oh and THEN they got beers too.

The Champions arrived at camp, giddy at the site of the burger supplies – and all the fixin’s – except for David who was worried that his lies were all about to come crashing down. Baden was completely adorable, cheering for the Champions and then trying to explain to Ross what he studies … and dare I say it, a new ship is born. Luke then quietly seethed about Shaun getting fed and potentially leading his tribe to victory at the next immunity challenge. Back at the Contenders the tribe were lamenting their loss and missing out on yet another reward, though were thankful that Baden rewarded Shaun for his efforts. Knowing that he will be an asset in the immunity challenge.

We returned to the Champions tribe where Shaun continued to unwittingly terrify David, with the latter deciding to double down on his lies by saying the idol is the only reason that he is still in the game and Steven is out. Poor Shaun truly believed his idol is real, and I am so concerned about his safety. Wait, no, maybe David should be nervous, given Abbey noticed him buddying up to Shaun and thought that maybe he should go sooner rather than later. With Queen Pia backing it up and ready to strike while his ego is at its biggest.

Seriously? Queens.

The tribes arrived to meet Jonathan on a beach where the Tower of Terror was making a return, meaning Casey is about to tap out of the challenge in three, two … wait, what? She is competing as one of the two members standing on a plank over the edge of the tower, with three people tasked with holding each of them up one-by-one with the last tribe to have someone perched atop the tower winning. Harry and Sarah kicked things off for the Contenders, keeping Casey and Baden on top of the tower while David and E.T. were busy keeping Pia and Simon up. Sarah was the first to trade out, giving her rope to Shaun while Harry soon followed, trading out to Daisy who soon gave it to Zaddy John, who tragically found boardshorts. Meanwhile at the top of the tower Casey was trying to get to know everyone, chatting away to Baden and Pia while once again, Simon’s voice was completely ignored.

David then swapped out with Abbey while poor Zaddy John struggled with his rope. Abbey passed off to Luke before Zaddy John couldn’t hold out any longer, dropping poor Baden into the drink. Who was super happy about it, despite the reminder that Kiwi Jeff has moved on to another show while Survivor NZ has been cancelled. Anyway E.T. finally handed his rope off to Janine, who quickly passed it out to Ross leaving the Champions on their last legs, while Shaun still had Matt to support him. Back at the top of the tower Casey was being iconic, asking Pia and Simon whether David actually played an idol at the previous tribal council, outing his lies and making things awks for the Champions. Shaun finally passed off to Matt before Ross dropped Simon in the water mid chat, leaving Matt and Luke to battle it out to keep Casey and Pia up top to gossip. Despite almost dropping, Luke dug deep and pulled Pia up before ultimately dropping handing the Contenders yet another immunity. Though Matt didn’t make himself any friends over at the Champions with his arrogant celebrations.

Back at camp the Champions were well and truly over losing yet another challenge, though did rally around to give each other a hug and congratulating them on trying so hard. Everyone started to feel bad for poor E.T. and Simon, except for David who thought it was hilarious. David then wandered around chatting to his allies, locking in their votes for E.T. and making jokes about him going home. Get it? E.T. going home.

Sadly for him E.T. wasn’t going to take his exit lying down, approaching Abbey to see whether she would be willing to switch back to him and Simon to get rid of anyone else. She then sat with Pia, upset to have to vote out one of the two delightful men that are on the outs before talking to David who tried to keep her calm and then pivoted to suggesting they get rid of Pia instead. This spooked the girls who spoke about turning on David, with Pia not wanting to take a strike at him unless she was guaranteed at him going home. And given how damn confident he is heading off to tribal, he really should be worried.

At the aforementioned tribal David and Abbey were lamenting how strong they were all feeling going into the challenge however still ended up here. E.T. spoke about being on the chopping block, leading to Jonathan pointing out that David said they’d be having a fresh start after booting Steven, making him feel like a liar. E.T. then gave his last pitch to the tribe, highlighting how bloody lovely he is and how he wants to have the chance to prove his leadership to the tribe by giving them the direction in the immunity challenges. David agreeing challenge contribution is important, how given they’ve been losing with E.T. here, it clearly isn’t making a difference and as such, he needs to focus on other things. Jonathan got shady, asking Ross and Abbey whether they’re going to be good foot soldiers and vote out either Simon and E.T. leading to Abbey breaking down about how much both men mean to her.

Simon then got his first monologue, pointing out that he is strong in challenges and would love the opportunity to be a foot soldier for the alliance. Janine then spoke about their alliance being stronger than the athletes because theirs wasn’t thrown together in a rush. Janine than admitted that she trusts people to different extents, while Ross agreed that there would definitely be smaller groups within their alliance while Jonathan finally for David to utter the phrase ‘do as you’re told’ as they headed off to vote. Where poor E.T. was given his marching orders, or escape, if you will.

As you may know, I am quite a big deal in the rugby league community – my dad played three, yes three, first grade games for the Roosters and I am the marketing genius who suggested bringing out Tina for a series of ads with Zaddy E.T. running around in a speedo. Given it was the ‘80s, I never acted on my feelings for E.T. but during the shoot he took my breath away and I did what every closeted kid did, befriended him and became his biggest supporter. While there was a period of a few years when I stopped talking to him as he started Escape – I hate seafood and fishing bores me – we reconnected and have been the best of friends ever since. E.T. was thrilled to see me working away in loser lodge, ran into my arms and gave me the biggest, warmest hug I can remember. He then noticed a purple stain on his shirt and honestly, the smile that appeared over his face was too pure for this world as he realised I had whipped him up a delicious Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl.

 

Andrew Ettinghausen demolishing his Australian Survivor sixth boot Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl

 

While I generally subscribe to the Ron Swanson, all the bacon and eggs breakfast school of thought, I will give E.T. a pass – footy pun, mate – and let him have an acai bowl. I mean, it is delicious after all, despite being healthy, and he is such a sweet, sweet man. Like an acai bowl.

Enjoy!

 

Andrew Ettinghausen demolishing his Australian Survivor sixth boot Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl

 

Andrew Ettinghacai Bowl
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
200g acai berry puree
2 bananas, frozen
½ cup Greek yoghurt
berries, bananas, coconut etc. to garnish

Method
Chuck the puree, bananas and yoghurt in a high powdered blender and blitz until completely smooth.

Pour into a bowl, top with whatever fruit/berries you desire and devour. Smugly, knowing you’re being super healthy.

 

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A Sterling K. Hot Brown waiting to be demolished by Sterling K. Brown himself

Sterling K. Hot Brown

Main, Snack, Street Food

You know how when Randall Pearson is being all dreamy, kind and loving, rather than dismissing Beth and her feelings? Well that is what my dear friend Sterling is like, only better.

I greeted him at the airport, and TBH, it was like a moment out of a rom com. He dropped his bags, ran towards me and lifted me up into the biggest, warmest hug known to man. While I weightlessly spun around the room, I wondered if this was the moment we would fall in love.

He then let me go, patted me on the back and I remembered that we were both happily married, and agreed many years ago, never to let our palpable chemistry get in the way of our beautiful friendship.

We got back to my house where I immediately pummeled him … with questions about This Is Us’ upcoming season, including but not limited to, am I the other parent of Kevin’s child once he comes out and I become his love interest, will Milo show skin like in the pilot and will the Pearsons become less self-absorbed?

He was more non-committal than I liked on the first two, I offended him on the last one, so we agreed to disagree and focus on our beautiful friendship. And smashing a pair of rich, tasty Sterling K. Hot Browns.

 

Sterling K. Brown pensively eating a Sterling K. Hot Brown, pondering our beautiful friendship.

 

While I only recently learned of the majestic hot brown, as soon as it was in my mouth, I knew it had to be dedicated to my lovely Sterl. Warm and comforting, with a big meaty punch (of heart, in his case), there is nothing I want in my mouth more than this. At a meal time.

Enjoy!

 

Sterling K. Brown pensively eating a Sterling K. Hot Brown, pondering our beautiful friendship.

 

Sterling K. Hot Brown
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
1 tbsp unsalted butter
2 tbsp flour
½ cup milk
1 cup vintage cheddar cheese, grated
¼ cup parmesan cheese, grated
a pinch of freshly grated nutmeg
1 tsp hot sauce
salt and pepper, to taste
4 slices bacon, fried until crispy
1 tomato, sliced
4 slices sourdough, toasted
8 thin slices turkey
chives, sliced, to garnish

Method
Melt the butter in a saucepan over medium heat, Once foamy, add the flour and cook for a minute or so, or until a glorious roux has formed. Remove from the heat and slowly add the milk, whisking, before returning to the heat to bring to the boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer, still stirring, for five minutes, or until thickened. Add half of each cheese, the nutmeg, hot sauce and a good whack of salt and pepper. Stir to combine and remove from the heat.

To assemble, place the bread on a lined baking sheet and arrange the turkey and tomato on top. Spread sauce on top of each and finish with the remaining cheeses. Transfer to a grill and cook on medium for a couple of minutes, or until golden and bubbly.

Transfer the sandwiches to a plate, top with bacon and chives and then, finally, devour.

 

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A sickly sweet Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler waiting for fifth boot Steven Bradbury.

Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor the Monika Radulovic memorial Tower of Terror challenge returned to wreak havoc on poor tsunami survivor Sarah, after Casey dived out of the challenge quicker than Sarah dived off a balcony into the tsunami to save her life. Obviously the Champs took out victory, which they were allowed to share with someone from the other tribe and selected Zaddy John given how he supported Sarah through the trauma. Janine found a clue to an idol amongst the loot, however upon finding it learnt that said idol was only for a Contender to play at a Contender tribal council, and the corresponding Champion idol is in the same place on the Contenders beach. After Pia and Luke got tangled up in the immunity challenge, ultimately leading to the Champion’s loss. Back at camp things got heated with Steven tantrumming about Abbey for playing the game, calling her weak and making her cry. This led to everyone rallying around the AFL play before blindsiding him and sending his closest ally Nova from the game.

Leading to the best post-boot comment from Jonathan, noting that he once again skated through to victory. Fucking iconic.

Things were going downhill the next at Camp Champ where Nova’s Kitchen was tragically under new management and while Ross tried to impress everyone with his delivery service, nobody seems thrilled by his efforts. Though let’s be honest, he did do a killer job on cooking up a pair of shoes. Needless to say, he “is Nova it.”

We checked in with the Contenders where beautiful Shaun was feeling down, missing his son’s fifth birthday. And what I wouldn’t give to give him a hug. Thankfully, I guess, he found a good friend in Daisy, who helped him draw a birthday message on the sand while sharing stories of how much they miss their families. So you know today’s reward is going to be for some form of love, no? Before we get a chance to find out, Shaun discovered the Contenders equivalent of the hidden immunity idol Janine found the day before and despite it being of no use to him – yet – he felt good. Being a sweet, stunning man, he immediately decided to pass it off to one of the Champions, and hoped that it will get him in good should they meet up.

Back at Camp Champ Steven was still floating on shock after surviving tribal council at the expense of his closest ally. He decided that the most important thing was making friends, so started working on his social game. Which involved telling David that he was shocked at how bigger role the social game plays, leading to a thorough roasting from the model. Sadly David seemed to be getting a bit too confident in his position and honestly, that makes me so nervous. He decided that the one thing he needs to complete his top dog status is an idol and that Janine would be his key to getting one. Before he had a chance to confront her about the idol, she pulled him aside and filled him in on the stipulations, and together they formulated a plan to orchestrate a trade off at an upcoming challenge.

With that Jonathan was manifested for the reward challenge where they would face off in a game of football in the shadows, with two kickers stood on podiums awaiting the ball to kick a goal. It was for fish and chips, so everyone was positively thrilled however let’s be honest, three footballers vs. one makes it a no brainer for the Champs, right? Shaun, John, Matt and Andy faced off against E.T, Luke, David and Simon, and while Shaun was first to the ball, Simon scored the first point for the Champs. Baden, John, Sam and Sarah were then defeated by Steven, Janine, Ross and Abbey. David, Simon, E.T. and Pia went 3-0 against Shaun, John, Daisy and Matt. Shaun, Daisy, Sam and Hannah lost the next point, this time to Simon, Janine, Pia and Abbey but again, we’re the winners, watching Shaun and Simon wrestling with the former’s speedos getting plenty of airtime. Luke, David, Steven and Simon, finally lost a point to Andy, John, Shaun and Matt. More importantly David and Shaun had a little pow wow on their way off the course, telling each other about the idols and promising to trade them tomorrow. The Champions then won the final point and may I add, I predicted it.

The Champions were overwhelmed to discover a shack by the beach with a table fully laden with fish, chips, and if Jeff were here, all the fixings. Mid-gorge David discovered newspapers in the corner featuring them and their starring achievements, the highlights being David’s white speedos, the headline of Last Man Standing after Steven won the Gold medal and E.T. in his speedo with my love Tina Turner. We also learnt that Luke has a six week old daughter waiting for him back at home, who they tragically learnt had cystic fibrosis just before heading out to the island and I can’t stop crying.

We checked back in with the Contenders where Shaun was second guessing his mid-challenge chat with David, worried he won’t follow through. He spoke to Daisy and she assured him the risk was worth it. So why do I feel so nervous? Right on cue, that night we went back to Camp Champ where Janine told David she wanted to keep the idol in case of a swap – Queen – leading to David coming up with plan B, fashioning a fake idol and taking Janine’s note to help sell it is real. While it is a great plan, if it gets Shaun booted, I will riot. Plus David calling himself a golden God in celebration isn’t cute, despite being accurate.

Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where Shaun and David handed over their real and fake idols respectively. They then learnt that seven tribe members will be locked in cages, with the rest of the tribe racing through obstacles to rescue them … before releasing sandbags, solving a puzzle and then knocking the completed puzzle off the ledge with the sandbags. Matt and John got the Contenders out to a slight lead, which was quickly destroyed as the Champions picked up momentum with every person they collected. Eventually they all caught up at the puzzle where Baden and Andy made quick work of the puzzle, overtaking Ross and Abbey, giving Andy a huge advantage when it came to knocking the blocks back off. Try as Abbey might, she was no match for Andy who once again secured immunity for the Contenders.

The mood was ridiculously sombre back at camp, with the tribe sick of losing, none more so than E.T. who is sick of people blowing the lead he gives them. Time after time. David seemed to be the only one smiling, telling Janine about his successful fake for real idol trade before doubling down on the cocky speak, making me so damn nervous. The alliance then decided to split the vote, nervous that Steven has an idol despite their alliance having three in the first two weeks. David approached E.T. and Simon, telling them to vote for Steven. Well actually strong-armed, making Pia, Abbey and Janine nervous that E.T. and Simon will now try something to counteract the arrogance.

As you would expect E.T. was pissed and decided that they should approach Ross to try and get him to flip back to him, Simon and Steven and get rid of Pia. Sorry E.T, I now hope you fail. Which seems likely because Pia watched them try and recruit Ross. She then approached Janine and David to share her suspicion that Ross will flip, and tried to get them to stack all the votes on Steven instead of splitting and risking one of them – likely her – going home.

At tribal council E.T. reiterated that he is sick of the tribe choking mid-challenge while Steven, David and Luke whispered about the upcoming vote and who they planned to target. E.T. wasn’t thrilled about the talk, concerned that it meant he would be next on the chopping block. Ross then put his hand up and said that he deserves to go home after botching the challenge before Steven said that if the vote was based on the challenge, it would definitely mean that he, Simon and E.T. would be safe tonight. While he and David started to throw shade at each other, Pia spoke up and said that she believes there is a target on her back tonight. This lead to Steven saying she has been carried through the challenges, which she found frustrating and pointed out all the times that she has been better than others in the challenges. Talk then turned to who was in charge of the alliance, with them all agreeing that they have a voice and hope to move past the tension tomorrow. Steven then alluded to having an idol or Ross forgetting who to vote for, making Abbey, Pia, Janine, Luke and David extremely nervous as they headed off to vote.

Thankfully for Queen Pia, everyone held firm and poor Steven was iced from the tribe. I mean, couldn’t skate through. I mean, you’ll have an ice time at Ice World. Fuck – I’m going down an ad rabbit hole. Despite the minor shade I’ve been sending Steven’s way, I love him dearly, having met at Brisbane’s aforementioned Ice World. While he was learning to speed skate, I was training to become a figure skater. While I was banned from the sport after an epic on-ice tantrum after botching a triple axel – failing to land one – Steven took me under his wing and we became the best of friends, lovingly ribbing each other ever since. I mean, I wouldn’t make a Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler if I didn’t love the icon.

 

teven Bradbury about to inhale my Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler.

 

Thankfully I made something aggressively sweet to dull the pain of Australia’s Gold medalist turned walking verb’s boot. A sweet, sticky pool of berries, topped with spiced, fluffy donuts are the only thing to cheer up our fallen – no pun intended, but super glad it worked out this way – icon. Outside of a Snickers.

Enjoy!

 

teven Bradbury inhaling my Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler.

 

Steven Bradberry Doughnut Cobbler
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
250g blueberries
250g raspberries
200g granny smith apples, cored and diced
200g pears, cored and diced
1 cup muscovado sugar
⅓ cup almond meal
2 tsp ground cinnamon
8 fresh Shannen Doughertynuts, halved horizontally
Vanilla Ice Cream, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

Combine the berries, apple, pear, sugar, meal and cinnamon in a large bowl and transfer into a baking dish, leaving a couple of centimetres from the top. Cover with foil and bake for half an hour, or until the apples and pears are tender. Arrange the doughnuts on top, to form an homage to a checkered roof.

Return to oven for 20 minutes or golden and crisp. Leave to rest for 5 minutes before serving, covered in mountains of Vanilla Ice Cream.

 

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Lamby Slidaris

Lamby Slidaris

Burgers, Main, Tapas

What a way to kick off my triumphant return to this anthropological study slash international fashion lifestyle brand!

Ames arrived in full Ronnie Vino look and attitude, dancing her way through my door and into my arms, before launching into a rapid fire greeting as she poured us glasses of wine I swiped from a hotel minibar and left at her house.

“Ben! Thank god you agreed to come back, I was worried about you after your tragic loss but always knew that coming back to you fans would help you heal.

“And to return with a date with me? What an honour!”

But truly the honour is all mine. As you know, I first met Amy through her brother Dave – Annelie and I were department store elves with him. It was this point I invented twerking, which I taught to Miley. Eventually he took us back to Raleigh where we immediately fell in love with the broader Sedari clan, none more than dear Amy.

And that, my friends, was the beginning of our beautiful friendship.

Amy’s career has deservedly gone from strength to strength over the years, and while she didn’t hook me and Justin Theroux up after his split from Jen-An and is yet to cast me on At Home, nothing will ever come between us. I mean, at the very least, we will always have Lamby Slidaris.

 

Amy Sedaris preparing to devour a delightful Lamby Slidaris

 

Inspired by her Greek heritage, though not necessarily Lou Sedaris – or Loudaris, as I’ve tried to turn into his nickname – approved, these little babies are melt in your mouth perfection. The earthy lamb, salt haloumi and the sweet, sweet hit of beetroot work together for a tops tapas treat.

Enjoy!

 

Amy Sedaris smashing a delightful Lamby Slidaris

 

Lamby Slidaris
Serves: 2-6.

Ingredients
500g lamb mince
3 garlic cloves, minced
2 tsp oregano, roughly chopped
2 tsp chilli flakes
1 tsp mint, roughly chopped
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
salt and pepper, to taste
100-200g Halloumi Holbrook, sliced into
10 Briocher Bünsberg in slider form
¼ – ½ cup Beetrootina Wesley Tzatziki

Method
Preheat oven to 180C.

Combine the mince, garlic, oregano, chilli, mint, cumin and coriander in a large bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper. Scrunch until well combined, divide into 10 little patties and flatten on a lined baking sheet. Transfer to the oven and cook for 10-15 minutes, or until cooked through.

Spread the halloumi slices on a second lined baking sheet and pop them in the oven for the last 5-10 minutes, or until starting to crisp on the outside.

To assemble your sliders, split the buns – my favourite pastime – lather with beetroot tzatziki, top with the pattie and cheese, and close before smashing. Greedily. Immediately.

 

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