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Eggs Benny Burtots

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Brains V Brawn, Breakfast, Main, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the Brains and Brawn arrived in the outback, with the former quickly dominating the challenges. Because, you know, they are packed full of muscle, which is how I’m described on the weekend, but that is another story for another time. Eventually the Brains kicked it into gear and sent the athletes to tribal council back-to-back. Thankfully Flick, Shannon and Queen Kez were slowly taking over the Brawn tribe after Janelle’s demise, despite Simon and the boys trying to snatch power. This meant that Big D was then caught in the middle, unsure who would be better for his game before he backed the girls and sent zaddy Gavin from the game.

The next day Camp Brains had fully transitioned to becoming a yoga retreat with Hayley calmly talking them through their moves and all around keeping the vibe zen. Not to be confused with Zen Hen. That was all shattered as George arrived moaning and loudly talking about his lack of undies, hoping nobody gets a sneaky peek at his balls. And damn, am I really starting to fall hard for George and his unique brand of weirdness? One nudie run and marriage awaits at this point.

We checked in on our Brawny friends where kangaroos were roaming freely and Gerald was creating a new notch on his belt. Benny meanwhile was feeling fatigued, wondering if it was Day 8 or 48, while reading the rest of his tribe for filth for constantly exercising. We finally got some background on Benny, learning that he was a former real estate agent slash entrepreneur and assumed that experience would help him control the tribe. Kez meanwhile was living her best life, thrilled to have played her idol and created some excitement at tribal. Simon and Emmett were also proud of how tribal went last night, impressed by the way they were duped and damn, do I love them too. I mean, that is humble and a completely likeable reaction. In any event, they knew that they needed numbers or a miracle and as such, started searching for an idol. Simon in donut speedos, so yeah, I do love him.

As Brawns gloated about their abundance of food, we returned to the Brains tribe where they were all serving Jan Sport’s face crack over yet another meal of rice and lentils. Baden shared that despite the lack of good food, the tribe are getting along well and have gotten into a great routine. You know, except for George who was still well and truly on the outside. That being said, Baden knew that George is not to be underestimated and as such, was keeping an eye on him. George meanwhile was loving Wai and Cara, and well, he just needed an idol to help make more friends. Sadly for him as he wandered around camp searching, there were always ten sets of eyes on him and/or a collection of people tailing him.

On one such tailing expedition however Baden ventured to the billabong and discovered a note amongst rocks and quickly snatcthed it out from under George’s nose. Said note directed him to search a tree overhanging the water. As such, he now ventured off to find the idol which was hidden directly in front of the entire camp.

Before we could get any resolution whatsoever, my love Jonathan arrived for this week’s reward challenge where the Brains were gagged to see Gavin voted out. As for the challenge, the tribes would be paired up and tethered together to crawl under a net to collect a ball with the first pair to shoot a basket winning a point for their tribe. Given it was for pillows, hammocks, blankets, bacon and eggs, they were all desperate for the win. Simon and Chelsea quickly scored their point over Hayley and Andrew, playing a bit dirty to get there in the eyes of the Brains tribe. Next up were Joey and Mitch versus Emmett and Kez, with Joey tying things up for the Brains. Dani and Shannon then quickly defeated Laura and Cara before Simon and Chelsea returned and won reward for the Brawns over Baden and Georgia. Aka it was a bit of a blowout and not really exciting.

The victorious Brawn tribe were overjoyed as they returned to camp, whipping up a fried rice with little care for the hate they received for their shady plays during the challenge. We then learnt a little bit more about sweet country boy Gerald who is a dairy farmer in addition to his woodchopping career. In addition to being sweet, he lives for a dad joke and takes cooking bacon and eggs very seriously. Like a total zaddy.

Oh and the tribe lived for their food, obvi, but it really doesn’t add much to the storyline.

Speaking of plot, back at the Brains camp the group returned to eating rice and lentils and while it meets their basic nutritional requirements, they weren’t loving it. Though Mitch did point out that as long as they’re winning immunity challenges, it doesn’t really matter. Speaking of immunity, Baden returned to his idol hunt but sadly for him, George and Wai saw him slinking off and as such, George deduced that he must have gotten a clue. With that, they joined him in the search and sadly for Baden, George quickly grabbed the idol from the arms of the tree from under Baden’s nose. He quickly called out to Wai and ran off to the side, unveiling the idol and they doubled down on their allegiance to each other.

Dear Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes would race in a giant metal cube, carrying it through a series of obstacles to retrieve bags of letters. Once complete they climb over a wall, across a cargo net and release a walkway to use the letters to solve a word puzzle. Obviously the Brawns got out to a huge lead, climbing out of the cage before the Brains even got to the platform. As Brawns got to work on the puzzle – quickly isolating the word ‘survivor’ from the bag – Brains struggled with the rope. Eventually it came down to the puzzle with us learning that the Brawns can’t even actually spell survivor – instead going with surviver – much to the irritation of Big D, given Benny moved his precious letters. While Brawn pulled ahead, they put ‘Brains’ and ‘Brawn’ in the wrong part of the puzzle which was enough time for the Brains to place their words correctly and solve the last words, taking out victory while Simon yelled at Benny.

As an aside, how dominant was Queen Wai at that puzzle?! Swoon.

Back at camp the Brawns were all annoyed at Benny, despite the fact he only took letters from a pile that spelt an incorrect word. Knowing he was in trouble, Simon went off searching for an idol while the majority quickly locked in the vote against him. As he searched, Chelsea and Dani joined him by the water and the trio decided their best chance to flip some votes would be to target Benny. And like clockwork, he appeared, stupidly telling Dani that he and the majority are set on Simon. This irritated Gerald and filled Dani with hope, despite the fact her shield is the target.

Dani took the information straight back to Chelsea and Simon, with the trio doubling down on the vote for Benny being their only hope. With that, Simon approached Daini and started by lamenting over their loss by pointing out that the losing will only continue if Benny is left to stay. And given Daini was the most vocal about Benny causing the loss, me thinks Simon is in with a shot. They then approached Shannon and Flick to float the plan with them and given they are sick of losing, I think they actually might listen. They took the information straight back to Benny and assured him that they wouldn’t turn on him, but well, I just have a feeling this isn’t going to end well for my namesake.

Despite Shannon reiterating she isn’t here to play Simon says, which is a chef’s kiss soundbite.

Arriving at tribal council, Shannon whispered to Kez and Flick about switching their vote before Jonathan addressed the elephant in the room, being that the meathead alliance have their backs against the wall. Simon quickly jumped in to read Benny’s challenge performance for filth, with Daini agreeing that his mistake cost them valuable time. Benny downplayed the mistakes which seemed to frustrate the rest of the tribe who kinda just wanted an apology. Essentially. Benny pointed out that Simon is playing fast and loose, given his back is against the wall.

With that, Simon opted to lay it all on the table and pointed out that getting rid of the liability is best for everyone on the tribe, otherwise they won’t have any numbers at merge to make it much further. Benny meanwhile defended his challenge performance before Shannon admitted that she can see both sides of the argument. She then addressed her whispering as they arrived and admitted the discussion was about switching things up, which frustrated Benny but when Shannon asked him to pitch, he pointed out that he was offended and offered nothing else. 

Though he did rightly pitch that if Simon could flip the vote tonight, he will easily do it time and time again and that is threatening to all of them. With that the tribe voted with Daini flipping to Simon’s group and tying things up. That of course meant the rest of the tribe re-voted with Kez and Shannon joining Big D in flipping things over and as such, Benny found himself booted from the game. And boy was he irate.

By the time he arrived at loser lodge, he was pretty much ready to explode. That is, until her met his dear friend, me. You see, Benny and I met at a Ben convention – creatively titled a Conbention – where we fast became friends over the things we had in common, our names and the fact we were gifted with dark, luscious hair. And well, I quickly fell deeply in love with him due to my narcissism. While I quickly turned volatile, Benny was sweet and kind and we became the fastest of friends. So I was thrilled to be on site to bring him comfort in the form of some Eggs Benny Burtots.

Eggs Benny? Yeah, it is bloody stunning – be it Megs to a burger, there is nothing better. That is, until you find a way to do a loaded tots variation. Bacon, shallots, dripping in hollandaise with a tonne of halloumi and scrambled eggs, all ON TOTS. This is near as perfect as Benny’s gorgeous, shimmering hair.

Enjoy!

Eggs Benny Burtots
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
6 rashers streaky bacon, diced
2 tbsp butter
6 eggs, whisked
1kg Potato Jems / tater tots, cooked until crispy
½ cup Halloumi Holbrook, fried and diced
2 shallots, peeled and thinly sliced
1 cup Hollandaise Taylor

Method
To get things started, heat a skillet over medium heat and fry the bacon until crispy. Remove to drain on a paper towel.

Add the butter to the pan and heat until it is nice and foamy. Add the eggs and once rippling around the edges, sweep the pan with a spatula to form delicately cooked ribbons. Remove from the heat.

Prep everything else according to their recipes, then get to assembling by lining a bowl with gems and topping with a scattering of bacon, halloumi and shallots before dousing with hollandaise.

And you know, devouring.


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Garlic Janine Halloumis Fries

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Side, Snack, Street Food, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Daisy and Simon were sent to exile beach before facing off to return to the game, with the queen of green grass and rain exiting the game for good. After Luke took out immunity, Simon once again found himself as the target with Abbey, Luke, Baden and Harry planning to send him out of the game again. JaQueen and Pia weren’t so keen on that idea however, trying to woo Simon and the Contenders to their side to take out Abbey instead. When it became obvious that their backs were against the wall and the plan was a bust, they joined the rest of the tribe to send Simon out of the game. Unanimously. Again.

The next day the tribe awoke to wish Pia a happy birthday before reminiscing about what she would normally do on her birthday. She then spoke about how hard the game has been and how much she has missed her family. She then wrestled with Harry to celebrate and vowed to overcome the overwhelming minority she has found herself in since Abbey flipped the script on her and JaQueen.

Abbey, Pia and Luke then went fishing together while the latter regaled us with tales of how far he has come in the game and most importantly, how proud of himself he is. He then welled up and honestly, swoon – he is too pure for this world. And that is before he even mentioned his daughter having cystic fibrosis. We then checked in with Harry who reiterated that he is a cockroach before he and Baden caught up to come up with their next plan, deciding to join with Pia and JaQueen at the next tribal council and take out Luke. Speaking of JaQueen she shared that she signed up for Survivor to challenge herself and honestly, she is just a bloody icon. She then reminded us that while she is now on the bottom of the tribe, she believes in herself and Pia to make it through. Speaking of Pia, she was still out fishing with Abbey and Luke, charming the shit out of them and looking for another in while JaQueen approached Baden who floated the idea of joining together to get rid of Luke.

My boy Jonathan arrived for the latest immunity challenge where the castaways would need to untangle themselves from a rope that is looped over a log, crossing a balance beam, tossing sacks to release a key and unlocking themselves and, wait for it … solving a puzzle. Luke and Abbey got out to an early lead while Harry looked to be nearing a heartattack which honestly, is not something I want to witness on TV tonight. JaQueen started to chastise herself as Luke and Abbey started to navigate the balance beam, with the AFL champion snatching the lead. Well until Luke proved more adept at tossing sacks. Luke started solving his puzzle while Abbey tried to close the gap and the rest of the crew slowly made their way to the sack tossing portion of the game. Harry joined Abbey and Luke on the puzzle, with JaQueen and Baden soon following. While Harry desperately tried to close the gap, Luke started to panic before getting his eye in and snatching immunity for the third time.

And unwittingly blowing up everyone’s plans.

Back at camp Abbey was the only person that wasn’t completely bummed that Luke had won yet another immunity challenge. JaQueen quickly pulled Baden and Harry aside to flip the vote on Abbey instead, given she is the next biggest challenge threat. Sadly for her Harry was more interested in targeting her instead, so pulled Abbey aside with Baden to float booting JaQueen instead. The boys then mentioned that Janine and Pia had suggesting voting her out to try and seal the deal, however, that only seemed to make her less likely to join them. Abbey then took the intel back to Luke and mentioned that she caught the girls getting frustrated after he won immunity, and while they agreed they need to stick together, they weren’t sure which duo to side with. We then returned to JaQueen who told us that her and Pia have no intention of siding with Harry and that their plan is actually to reconnect with Luke and Abbey to get rid of Baden. Which everyone agreed on as he stumbled upon the scene.

At tribal council Harry spoke about the likelihood that a Champion will take out the game, though did vow to fight until the very end. Baden praised them for staying tight and holding firm on their Champion strong mantra. JaQueen spoke about how tight their group remains and how she wants one of them to take out the game. Preferably her. Harry tried to pitch that the Champions who feel most likely to be blindsided should join him and Baden to make a move first. Abbey spoke about the generic confusion of the game, unsure which side was telling her the truth and she should trust moving forward. Baden continued to point out that it is always better to make a move sooner rather than later, rather than regretting their choices from the jury. Luke and Abbey spoke about the safe option sometimes being the smartest.

Harry was disheartened, Pia mentioned that making a move at the wrong time was just as bad as not making one while Luke mentioned that the vote ahead will be straightforward and simple. With that the tribe voted and it turns out that the vote was straightforward for Luke and Abbey, as they flipped on Janine and Pia and sent the godmother from the game. While the tragedy of JaQueen exiting the game is something that I will carry with me for the next few months, I am grateful that we could honour her spirit with some Garlic Janine Halloumis Fries.

 

 

 

Now I know we’ve already experienced the majesty of haloumi fries in the Australian Survivor context – oh, hi Mark! – the addition of lemon and garlic is enough to give them a boost. Crisp on the outside, melt-in-your-mouth in the centre and packing a major punch of garlic, these are proof that you can always do better. Which I imagine is what Janine would remind us in a killer inspirational speech.

Enjoy!

 

 

 

Garlic Janine Halloumis Fries
Serves: 1 powerful CEO and her dear pal.

Ingredients
½ cup flour
2 garlic cloves, minced plus 2 extra finely sliced
½ tsp dried oregano
½ tsp chilli flakes
400g Halloumi Holbrook, sliced into long chip shapes and patted dry
vegetable oil, for fryin’
1 tbsp oregano leaves, roughly chopped
1 lemon, zested
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Combine flour, garlic, dried oregano and chilli in a bowl.

Pour 2cm worthy of oil into a large pan and place over medium heat.

Once nice and hot, coat the haloumi in the flour mixture, shake off the excess and transfer to the oil to cook for a couple of minutes, turning once, until golden and crisp. Transfer to a paper towel and repeat the process until the haloumi is done.

To serve, combine fresh oregano, lemon zest and a good whack of salt and pepper and sprinkle over the hot chips. Squeeze some lemon juice and devour, hoping to work through the confusing trauma of losing one of our Queens at the hand of another.

 

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Chicken & Olivia Newton John Patties

Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Somebody That I Used to Gold, Main, Poultry, Snack

It was such a treat to see this year’s GO recipient Lady Gaga to kick off this year’s Grammy Gold celebration – Somebody That I Used To Gold – that I couldn’t quit the film world completely. As such I grabbed the phone and as a twist of fate, my dear friend Olivia Newton John was free to catch up.

Despite being on death’s door according to the tabloids.

I’ve known Liv since the mid-70s while she and Pat Carroll where working the nightclub scene. Unbeknownst to them, they were once booked for a strip club and while it came as a shock, it led to us meeting. Which gave her “the most beautiful friendship of my life,” so she is pleased by how things turned out.

Given she is most well known for her star making turn in Grease, Liv was thrilled to help me run the Music for Visual Media odds. While she thinks our Hugh will snatch Best Compilation Soundtrack for Visual Media, my heart will always for for Call Me by Your Name though the clarinets of Lady Bird do fill my heart with joy. For Best Score Soundtrack I think Black Panther  has it in the bag, while Liv is rooting for The Shape of Water. And rounding things out, we agree that Gaga will continue her sting of wins for Shallow in Best Song, however a Mystery of Love win would make me sob happy tears by a fireplace.

With the most important job of all out of the way, we hung out in the kitchen, laughed, cried and smashed a huge batch of Chicken & Olivia Newton John Patties.

 

 

If you haven’t realised by now, I have a passionate, unadulterated love for rissoles. And these babies are no exception, sweet, tarty and packing a punch, they’re the perfect nourishing mid-week meal that doesn’t make you want to cry. Doesn’t everyone cry during dinner on hump day? No, just me? Awks.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chicken & Olivia Newton John Patties
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
½ cup kalamata olives, roughly chopped
1 lemon, zested
4 garlic cloves, minced
½ cup panko breadcrumbs
¼ cup parmesan cheese, grated
small handful basil leaves, roughly chopped chopped
1 tsp chilli flakes

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Combine everything in a bowl, scrunching with your hands until well combined. Divide into 8 patties and place on a lined baking sheet.

Transfer to the oven to bake for fifteen minutes and devour immediately with a salad. Despite not making friends with it.

 

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Hulk Hogies

Baking, Bread

Given my passion for men in tight clothes or lycra, men holding each other in a homoerotic fashion and my undying love or sports, it should come as no shock that I am highly involved in the wrestling industry. And as such, am a dear friend of Hulk Hogan.

I’ve been trying to get Hulk out to visit since this anthropological patch of cyberspace began, but our busy schedules have always been working against us. Thankfully that all changed this week.

“Ben, my little hulkamaniac. I’ve got this weekend clear, you free to catch-up and hulk smash some food.”

While I feared he was succumbing to the ravages of old age, I was pleased to discover he was only referencing the release of Infinity War and making a hulk joke rather than confusing his catch-phrases with that of the big green guy.

Anywho, I’ve known Hulk forever and was closely involved with making him the star he is today. You see, I spent months lusting after him at the gym and eventual grew to notice he had other talents. Like his talent for clothed wrestling. I called the Brisco Brothers – who I worked with to bring the sex appeal to wrestling – and got him a spot at Hiro Matsuda’s gym. Bada bing, bada boom – he became and star, and us, the best of friends.

For years and years we’ve been catching up, plotting how to reinvigorate his career – damn, that is this week’s theme, no? – and share a deliciously carby cheat meal together. As such, I knew I couldn’t go past devouring some Hulk Hogies together on our date.

 

 

You know I have a passion for smashing warm buns against my face, but this would have to be one of my favourites. Well, when it comes to food at the very least. Soft and pillowy, this babies are the perfect bun for all occasions. And you know I mean all.

Enjoy!

 

 

Hulk Hogies
Makes: 8.

Ingredients
7g active dry yeast
1 ½ cups warm (30-40C) water
1 tbsp raw caster sugar
4 cups flour
1 1 /2 tsp kosher salt
2 tbsp vegetable oil

Method
Mix the yeast in a jug with half the water and sugar and leave to foam in a warm place for five to ten minutes.

Combine the flour, remaining sugar and salt in the bowl a stand mixer and slowly stir through the foamy mixture, remaining water and vegetable oil until everything is wet. Pop the dough hook into the mixer and knead for five minutes or so, or until smooth and elastic. Place the dough in a large greased bowl, cover and leave to prove for an hour or so, or until doubled in size.

Punch down the dough and divide into 8 equal pieces. Shape them in an oval and place on a lined baking sheet, leaving room for them to grow. Using scissors, cut a gash in the top of each roll before covering and allowing to prove for half an hour.

Preheat oven to 200C.

Once puffed, transfer the buns to the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until lightly golden. Remove to wire racks to cool slightly before slicing and devouring.

 

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Puff Daddy Pizza

Main, Pizza, Side, Snack

Sometimes you just need to party and get wild with your gang, to feel like yourself again. You know?

While we’ve been feuding since my egregious snubbing from the Bad Boy Records 20th Anniversary Tour, we both realised that life is more enjoyable with the other in it and he kindly agreed to reconnect.

As you can imagine, as co-founders of Bad Boy Entertainment, Puff and I have been involved in our fair share of scandals – the nightclub shooting probs being our most famous … despite the fact you legally cannot prove I was there or involved – but we truly never meant no harm, just partying hard like young guys a wont to do.

Despite announcing that he was planning to quit the music biz to focus on his acting career and the fact that was my idea for him, I was hoping that our reconnection would be enough to force him out of retirement to remake I’ll Be Missing You with me.

Which he obviously was hella keen for.

That being said, I did have to work overtime to convince him to change his mind with me, so I had to whip up one of my favourite shortcut meals. Enter my Puff Daddy Pizza.

 

 

I first flirted with puff pastry pizzas – and calzones – while a poor uni student slash up-and-coming-rapper, and to be honest, they are oft better than their pillowy or crip doughed equivalents. Flakey, light and most importantly simple, these babies are the perfect mid week meal or work lunch … for the working rapper.

Enjoy!

 

 

Puff Daddy Pizza
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 italian sausages
2 sheets frozen puff pastry
2 tbsp tomato paste
2 tbsp mixed dried Italian herbs, chef’s choice
¼ cup sundried tomatoes, shredded
¼ cup chargrilled capsicum, shredded
¼ cup black olives, sliced
¼ cup chargrilled artichokes
1 tbsp dried chilli flakes
200g feta cheese
mozzarella cheese, just to add some stringiness … not so much necessary

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Heat a small skillet over medium heat and remove the sausages from their casings, frying them into small meatballs for a couple of minutes.

Place each sheet of puff pastry on a lined baking sheet and smear each with tomato paste and dried herbs. Sprinkle over the cooked sausage, chargrilled vegetables, feta, chilli and a little mozzarella, to taste.

Place in the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until the cheese has melted and the pastry is puffed and glorious. Devour.

 

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He be missing me

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

After back-to-back catch-ups with absolute sweethearts – love you both Sade and Milk! – I decided I needed to get back on brand, and reconnect with my fave bad-boy Puff “Sean Combs, P Diddy, Puffy, Diddy” Daddy.

I first met Puff while he was interning at Uptown Records. I was a member of Mary J Blige’s entourage at the time, and we worked together to make her a star. Seeing that he too had talent, I convinced him to start rival label Bad Boy Entertainment … and the rest, as they say, is history.

What do I make that says I too, have been missing you and all the fun we used to have in the clubs with J-Lo (who I also must catch-up with soon)?

Image source: Unknown.

 

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Kanyebullar

Baking, Bread, Cake, Dessert, Sweets

In the wise words of my dear friend Kanye and I, that that that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger. Oh, haven’t I mentioned I co-wrote Stronger? Well I did but then Kans changed it to be more his style and stole it for himself – I leant my version to Lena Dunham (who I must catch-up with soon) for Marnie’s triumphant performance after crashing Charlie’s party.

Anyway, documenting 200 celebrity catch-ups has been hard work – what with the jetting around, traveling through time and the emotional drain of making so many amends – but it has been so rewarding and has only made me stronger.

If that is possible.

I am so thankful that you’ve joined me in this journey. I mean, I’m not at all surprised by my success given the fact that my friends are A-list and I am arguably more talented than Boomer Phelps’ is cute / successful at the 2032 Olympic Games but I am thankful that you’ve taken the time to support me.

Better start talking about Kanye, lest I want to start a new feud.

To mark my momentous 200th catch-up, I gave Kan a call knowing that no one – living or dead – would be as self-important enough to help me celebrate such an honour! I mean, after banging Skarsy for my 50th and gossiping with the best Knowles (sorry Kanye) for my 100th, I really needed to up the ante, spectacle-y speaking.

I first met Kanye in the 80s while running a professor scam at Nanjing University. Kans’ mum was teaching at the uni and offered her son to act as my language tutor. While I generally don’t respond well to authority figures, I quickly bonded with Kanye over our love of music.

Despite being run out of Nanjing after the uni learnt that I wasn’t a teacher and nor could I speak Chinese, we stayed in contact and have been making beautiful music ever since.

While Kanye was still a bit sore about it taking so long to catch-up, I was able to quickly win him back with the reminder that I introduced him to his dear wife Kimmy.

Oh and he is an absolute fiend for a big ole Kanyebullar.

 

kanyebullar-1

 

Now I know that technically these beauties aren’t pronounced like Kanye, the spelling and grandeur of the man and the rolls mean that you have to overlook that fact. Ok?

And yes, that is a threat.

It is a fact universally acknowledged/assumed that Kanye is a man that loves a big ole bun (see Kim breaking the internet and the fact I am referred to as Benny from the Block) and these treats prove it. Spicy, soft and oh-so-sweet, they melt in your mouth and leave you wanting more.

More, more … which is what we’ll give you – thanks for the support these last 200 catch-ups!

Enjoy!

 

kanyebullar-2

 

Kanyebullar (adapted from an SBS recipe)
Makes: a shit tonne (aka 24-32, depending on how you chop it … literally).

Ingredients
175g unsalted butter, chopped
2 cups milk
7g sachet active dry yeast
125g caster sugar
1 tsp salt
2 tsp ground cardamon
6 cups plain flour

Cinnamon butter
150g unsalted butter, chopped at room temperature
⅔ cup caster sugar
2 tbsp ground cinnamon
2 eggs
pearl or raw sugar, to sprinkle

Method
Melt the butter in a saucepan over low heat. Remove from the heat, add the milk, stir to combine and leave to cool to just under 40°C. Stir in the yeast, sugar, salt and cardamon, and leave to foam for about five minutes.

Transfer the liquid to a large bowl of an electric mixer and slowly add the flour, stirring by hand with the dough hook. When it is starting to come together, attach the dough hook and turn the mixer on medium speed until smooth, a couple of minutes.

Remove the dough to an oiled (second) large bowl, cover with a tea towel and leave to prove until doubled in size, about an hour and a half.

While it is proving, mash the butter in a bowl and combine with the sugar and cinnamon until smooth.

Preheat the oven to 225°C.

Once the dough is ready, knock it back, turn it out onto a floured bench and roll it out until it is a large ½cm rectangle. Smear – who doesn’t love a good smear, amirite – the cinnamon butter very liberally over the top and roll the dough lengthways to form a long cylinder.

Slice the cinnamon, doughy sausage in half, half again … and half again, and half again (or just evenly, depending on how tall you want them to be) until you reach the magic number – I prefer mine to be fat, so cut the 8 into 3 to make 24.

Place each disc in a flattened paper cupcake and leave them to sit, a couple of centimetres apart on baking sheets. When they are all lined up, cover with a tea towel and allow to prove a further 30 minutes.

When they are ready to roll – pun obviously intended – whisk the eggs and brush the buns before coating liberally with sugar.

Bake for 10 minutes or until golden and glorious. Then devour, they are amazing warm.

And thanks again for the support!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Imma let you reach 200

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Make no mistakes, Kanye is not happy that it has taken 199 dates for me to finally reach out and invite him over for a catch-up.

Oh, did I mention Kanye is coming over this week?

Well he is, despite the fact that he is so offended it took so long.

“Kanye, you keen to come and help me celebrate the 200th recipe on my anthropological, online study.”

“200th? Are you kidding me? Why did it take so long? You had Kim and the rest of the Kute Kardashian Klan drop by almost 100 ago – bitch, I made you famous!”

“I’m sorry Kan…”

“Imma let you finish … but Beyonce has the best personalised recipe you used to make her and you haven’t even had the decency to invite her over. In 199?”

“So…”

“Imma let you finish … but you had Taylor over. Taylor?! We are feuding!”

“S…”

“Imma let you finish. Ok I’m finished.”

…

So yeah, Kanye was not happy but he eventually agreed to turn up and help me celebrate.

What do I make to sweeten him up a bit?

Picture source: Screenshot from 2009 MTV VMAs.

 

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Jay Zucchini Bake

Main, Snack

Gol-ly! You have no idea how much I have missed my boy Jay Z.

As you know, I’m a very close friend of the Knowles-Z clan having met both Jay and Bey in the 90s, suggesting they collaborated in the 00s and leading to the birth of the first family of music. You’re welcome.

Now – full disclosure – my relationship with Jay hasn’t always lead to positive things. Obviously.

We first met in the mid 90s when I tried to jack the car he was selling his CDs out of. While I regret trying to rob him – it was the 90s and I needed to by coke to stay thin while I worked on Models Inc. – the ensuing media coverage of our bitter trial grabbed the attention of Priority Records and lead to the release of his first album.

It was the guilt I felt about my failed robbery that lead to me stabbing Lance Rivera for him in ‘99. Obviously, I expect you to respect my privacy / not tell the authorities the truth. Thanks.

Anyway, after the wild years and a couple of stints in rehab, I introducing Jay and Bey and the rest, is history.

JayBey have been all over the news following the release of her latest opus, Lemonade but thankfully I was able to shy away from the negative publicity despite being Becky and threw that shrew Rachael Ray – she knows what she did – under the bus.

Given the tragic hate-crime that occurred in Orlando over the weekend, our catch-up was a little more somber than usual as it truly hit home to both of us, as we understand what it is like to be persecuted for simply being.

So with hope that America may finally release their balls from the vice-like grip of the NRA / Charlton Heston’s ghost and that everyone across the planet could just learn to be a little bit kinder and let people live, even simply, without fear of judgement or persecution, we sat down to a comforting meal of Jay Zucchini Bake.

 

jay-zucchini-bake-1

 

Like the human race, the bake is a mish mash of vibrant, unique veggies, sharp cheese, delicate eggs and salty bacon that when combined forms a perfectly fluffy dish that proves, once and for all I say, that joining together because of our differences is when magic truly happens.

Enjoy – I promise to not be so heavy next week.

 

jay-zucchini-bake-2

 

Jay Zucchini Bake
Serves: 4-6 for dinner, 8-10 for lunches or snacks.

Ingredients
6 rashers bacon, diced
1 cup corn kernels, fresh or frozen, it doesn’t matter
2 zucchinis, grated
1 large carrot, grated
1 onion, diced
½ red capsicum, diced
250g goat’s cheese
1 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
6 eggs
⅓ cup oil
⅓ cup freshly grated parmesan

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C.

Heat a skillet over medium heat and fry the bacon until it is just starting to get crispy. Add the corn and cook for a further couple of minutes before removing it from the heat. You can avoid frying the corn if you can’t be bothered, this is more important if you’re using frozen corn as you need to remove as much liquid as possible.

While the bacon and corn are resting, combine the zucchini, carrot, onion and capsicum in a large bowl. Crumble in the goat’s cheese and mix through the cooled bacon / corn mix, flour and baking powder.

At this point I should probably mentioned that the order of this recipe really doesn’t matter at all, but I am kind of anal and this is how I do it … always. Just because.

Anyway, aside over. Whisk the oil and eggs together in a measuring jug or something of the ilk, and add it to the bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper and stir to combine.

Pour the mix into a large baking dish, cover with the parmesan and bake for about 30 minutes, or until golden and set.

 

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He got 99 problems but this bitch ain’t one

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

When I was in the U.S. for memorial day, I was out in Brooklyn but then went down to Tribeca to see if my dear friends Bey and Jay were free to catch-up and help them work through their Becky related issues.

Full disclosure: the song is about me. Becky = Benny.

Sadly they were busy – I think Jay was scared I was wanting to put him in his place for discussing fight club way back when – so told them to drop by and visit me when they get a chance. Cut to last week when Hiz secured the nomination and Jay called to say he’d fly down to hang, knowing I was best placed to keep them on the Oval Office speed-dial during the next term.

Blue Ivy, my god-daughter, and Bey are busy selling Lemonade on their stoop to quench the thirst of New Yorkers, so Jay is flying solo. They are truly saintly. But of course, I’ve digressed.

What do I make when Jay catches me in the kitchen like Simmons’ whipping pastry?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.