Kanyebullar

Baking, Bread, Cake, Dessert, Sweets

In the wise words of my dear friend Kanye and I, that that that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger. Oh, haven’t I mentioned I co-wrote Stronger? Well I did but then Kans changed it to be more his style and stole it for himself – I leant my version to Lena Dunham (who I must catch-up with soon) for Marnie’s triumphant performance after crashing Charlie’s party.

Anyway, documenting 200 celebrity catch-ups has been hard work – what with the jetting around, traveling through time and the emotional drain of making so many amends – but it has been so rewarding and has only made me stronger.

If that is possible.

I am so thankful that you’ve joined me in this journey. I mean, I’m not at all surprised by my success given the fact that my friends are A-list and I am arguably more talented than Boomer Phelps’ is cute / successful at the 2032 Olympic Games but I am thankful that you’ve taken the time to support me.

Better start talking about Kanye, lest I want to start a new feud.

To mark my momentous 200th catch-up, I gave Kan a call knowing that no one – living or dead – would be as self-important enough to help me celebrate such an honour! I mean, after banging Skarsy for my 50th and gossiping with the best Knowles (sorry Kanye) for my 100th, I really needed to up the ante, spectacle-y speaking.

I first met Kanye in the 80s while running a professor scam at Nanjing University. Kans’ mum was teaching at the uni and offered her son to act as my language tutor. While I generally don’t respond well to authority figures, I quickly bonded with Kanye over our love of music.

Despite being run out of Nanjing after the uni learnt that I wasn’t a teacher and nor could I speak Chinese, we stayed in contact and have been making beautiful music ever since.

While Kanye was still a bit sore about it taking so long to catch-up, I was able to quickly win him back with the reminder that I introduced him to his dear wife Kimmy.

Oh and he is an absolute fiend for a big ole Kanyebullar.

 

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Now I know that technically these beauties aren’t pronounced like Kanye, the spelling and grandeur of the man and the rolls mean that you have to overlook that fact. Ok?

And yes, that is a threat.

It is a fact universally acknowledged/assumed that Kanye is a man that loves a big ole bun (see Kim breaking the internet and the fact I am referred to as Benny from the Block) and these treats prove it. Spicy, soft and oh-so-sweet, they melt in your mouth and leave you wanting more.

More, more … which is what we’ll give you – thanks for the support these last 200 catch-ups!

Enjoy!

 

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Kanyebullar (adapted from an SBS recipe)
Makes: a shit tonne (aka 24-32, depending on how you chop it … literally).

Ingredients
175g unsalted butter, chopped
2 cups milk
7g sachet active dry yeast
125g caster sugar
1 tsp salt
2 tsp ground cardamon
6 cups plain flour

Cinnamon butter
150g unsalted butter, chopped at room temperature
⅔ cup caster sugar
2 tbsp ground cinnamon
2 eggs
pearl or raw sugar, to sprinkle

Method
Melt the butter in a saucepan over low heat. Remove from the heat, add the milk, stir to combine and leave to cool to just under 40°C. Stir in the yeast, sugar, salt and cardamon, and leave to foam for about five minutes.

Transfer the liquid to a large bowl of an electric mixer and slowly add the flour, stirring by hand with the dough hook. When it is starting to come together, attach the dough hook and turn the mixer on medium speed until smooth, a couple of minutes.

Remove the dough to an oiled (second) large bowl, cover with a tea towel and leave to prove until doubled in size, about an hour and a half.

While it is proving, mash the butter in a bowl and combine with the sugar and cinnamon until smooth.

Preheat the oven to 225°C.

Once the dough is ready, knock it back, turn it out onto a floured bench and roll it out until it is a large ½cm rectangle. Smear – who doesn’t love a good smear, amirite – the cinnamon butter very liberally over the top and roll the dough lengthways to form a long cylinder.

Slice the cinnamon, doughy sausage in half, half again … and half again, and half again (or just evenly, depending on how tall you want them to be) until you reach the magic number – I prefer mine to be fat, so cut the 8 into 3 to make 24.

Place each disc in a flattened paper cupcake and leave them to sit, a couple of centimetres apart on baking sheets. When they are all lined up, cover with a tea towel and allow to prove a further 30 minutes.

When they are ready to roll – pun obviously intended – whisk the eggs and brush the buns before coating liberally with sugar.

Bake for 10 minutes or until golden and glorious. Then devour, they are amazing warm.

And thanks again for the support!

 

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Philly Collins Cheesesteak

Main, Party Food, Snack

It was always going to be an awkward start to my peace feast with Phil, what with the viral infection injection thing. Oh, and the whole gag I sold to South Park about his obsession with his Oscar – FYI, that was totally true and I’m 30% sure he had it on him when he dropped by – and well, I can’t talk about everything else I’ve done to him due to the lingering lawsuits and payouts.

Just trust me when I say that Phil was on the receiving end of one of my top ten most vicious moments.

But then it wasn’t awkward, not even at all. Time apparently heals all wounds as Phil took me in his arms as soon as he walked into the house. I cried, he cried, then he sobbed, I pretended to sob to avoid it being awkward and then I apologised.

Literally two minutes in and my epic apology monologue – it rivalled Cersei’s revenge monologue for epicness – wasn’t even needed. Thankfully I’ve burnt a lot of bridges so I’ll be able to use it again, I’m sure.

Phil has been super busy since coming out … of retirement early last year, remastering his old albums, writing new material and planning a tour. Oh and he signed a book deal and will be releasing his autobiography in October … and when I heard that, everything became clear – he wants me to ghostwrite the book.

While I’m pretty pissed he expects me to plug it out in a mere matter of months, given the countless ways I ruined his life I really couldn’t say no. Plus, at least I can manage my image in the story, you know?

Either way, Phil got a ghostwriter, I got some undeserved forgiveness and we both rekindled our friendship over my famed – and his favourite – Philly Collins Cheesesteak.

 

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I’ve made no secret of my love for warm meat, slathered in creamy cheese … but these really get me salivating. I mean, tender slices of steak on a soft pillowy bun and cheese, my favourite, cheese – it doesn’t get any better. Oh yeah, it does – sweet onions, earthy mushrooms, hot mustard and peppers.

It really does get better – enjoy!

 

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Philly Collins Cheesesteak
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 hoagie rolls
6-12 slices provolone
1kg loin steaks, trimmed and sliced into thin strips
olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tbsp worcestershire sauce
hot english mustard

Sauteed mushrooms
2tbsp unsalted butter
500g button mushrooms, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Caramelised onions
2 tbsp unsalted butter
2 large brown onions, thinly sliced
salt and pepper, you guessed it – to taste!

Peppers aka capsicum
2 tbsp olive oil
1 green capsicum, thinly sliced
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
1/16 tbsps of salt and precisely 6.3g freshly ground black pepper, but seriously … to taste

Method
Place the steak in the freezer for about half an hour while you get to work on all of the other elements.

Start with the mushrooms and melt the butter in a frying pan over high heat until foamy. Reduce heat to medium, add the mushrooms and cook until they are soft, silky and browned.

Then move to the onions and start again by melting the butter over high heat until foamy. Reduce the heat, this time to low, and cook the onions slowly until they are soft and caramelised – about half an hour. Keep an eye on the onions, but move on to the peppers now, ok?

In another pan – how many pans do I expect you to own? Maybe decant the mushrooms to a dish and keep warm, wipe out the mushroom pan and heat, this time the oil, over high heat. Add the capsicums and stir-fry for a minute or so, or until they are soft and vibrant.

Now that they are sorted, remove the steak from the freezer and slice very thinly. Heat a griddle over high heat, brush with oil and cook for about a minute per side. Remove to a dish, pour over the worcestershire, season and keep warm.

Now for the fun to start – split the hoagies, butter generously (if you like heat) with hot english mustard, spoon in mushrooms, onions and peppers, top with the piping hot meat and layer with cheese. Hopefully your cheese will melt from the heat more than mine did, but hey it is cold for Brisbane at the moment.

Then, don’t think twice – devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns

Baking, Side, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

Call it what you will – brain snap, brain fart, complete mental collapse, non-mental giantism – but that doesn’t matter, all that does is that my dear, dear friend Jennifer Lanzetti had one and was swiftly sent packing.

As you could probably guess, Jenny and I first crossed paths many years ago while both of us were drug addicts. While she credits me with getting her addicted, I am very thankful to be able to credit her with getting me sober … well, one of the times at least.

After the first episode, Jen had set herself up well, squarely in the majority of the Luzon 2.0 / Matsing 3.0 tribe however proceeded to shoot herself in the foot and get herself sent into my loving arms at loser lodge. As much as I love Jen, I am glad that my almost sister and mental giant, Alecia Holden lived to see another day.

Maybe she sacrificed something to the embryos of fire on the beach?

While this week didn’t involve any worms trying to get intimate with brains (not the brains), the trees did get their revenge on Tai for last week by slashing his legs open. Lucky he had his dreamy pal, who can also walk on water, Caleb to make him feel good.

But that was all filler, the brawn tribe once again lost a hardcore physical challenge, I assume as a protest to the BvBvB concept while highlighting the fact that they are smarter than given credit for, and made their way back to my lover Jeff in the tribal council village (oh if the walls of those villas could talk).

Once there, Jen proceeded to shoot herself in the foot, face and knee-cap … repeatedly, like the creep my lover Paul Bettany played in The Da Vinci Code (our sex-tape – he was in character – inspired EL James to turn it into the straight-washed disaster known as 50 Shades).

With that, this tribal council marked the second time a grave-digger has made an epic blunder, leading to their departure. And once again, our marker-confused, mental giant, embryo helper lives to fight another day.

Who knows what that worm did to her brain – did it eat part of it? Was it trying to take her as a lover, like a puzzle laying down for Debbie? Was it telling her that my Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns were waiting for her in Ponderosa? That is the only thing that makes any sort of sense.

 

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These buns are like crack. I don’t know whether it the cheese, all the herbs or the pillowy dough, but these are good. Real good.

Fun fact: you actually missed the part of tribal where she offered to take off her clothes for the buns, to give her motivation to stay. It failed, but at least I had them waiting for her in Loser Lodge.

Enjoy!

 

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Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns
Makes: 16.

Ingredients
Dough
3 ½ cups plain flour
2 tsp coarse salt
¼ cup warm water
3 tbsp caster sugar
2 ¼ tsp active dry yeast
6 large eggs, room temperature
1 tsp lemon zest
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
3 tbsp sage, finely chopped
1 tbsp thyme, finely chopped
170g unsalted butter, room temperature, cut into 6 pieces

Baking
85g unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup Parmesan, grated
½ cup flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
20ml thyme, chopped
1 tsp lemon zest
½ tsp freshly ground pepper

Method
Dough
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour and salt. In the bowl of a mixer, combine warm water, sugar, and yeast and leave stand to get all foamy and frothy, about five minutes.

Add eggs, zest, garlic, herbs and flour mixture to the foamy yeast mixture and beat with a dough hook on medium-high speed until dough pulls away from sides of bowl, about 5 minutes.

Beat in butter, one piece at a time, while beating until fully combined and dough is shiny and smooth, about 5 minutes more. Cover with cling wrap and leave to prove, like Alecia with the fire, until doubled in size, about 1 hour.

Place in the fridge for an hour, punch down and return to the fridge for another hour.

Baking
In a bowl, combine everything but the butter.

Split the dough in half. Roll one of them out on a lightly floured surface into a large rectangle, about 30x15cm. Spread half the butter over dough, leaving a slight border, and sprinkle with half of cheese mixture, pressing it into the butter. Starting on a long side, roll the dough up to form a cylindrical shape and cut into eight equal disks. Place the disks on a lined baking sheet. Repeat the process with the remaining dough, cheese and butter – you know, all the remaining stuff.

Cover all of the rolls with cling wrap and leave to rise in a warm spot until doubled in bulk, about an hour or two.

Preheat oven to 190°C.

When the oven is at temperature, place the rolls in the oven and bake until golden brown, about 20 minutes.

Remove from oven and allow to cool slightly and then devour. They are glorious warm.

* Recipe adapted from Martha Stewart.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Sloppy Joe Anglim

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Let me start by saying there is nothing sloppy about our dear friend, aspirational love, yoga enthusiast, challenge-beast and Survivor Macgyver 2.0 (sorry, nothing beats Peih-Gee smuggling supplies in her clothing) Joe-gel Anglim.

Our pants after we see him however…but I digress.

We first met Joe at Northern Arizona University where Joe was playing volleyball and we were trialling a supplements program with the football team which would later go on to get us a job working on Lance Armstrong’s medical team.

While Joe was disappointed in our dishonest and highly illegal conduct, our undying love and devotion (which went on to inspire the film Fatal Attraction) was too intoxicating for him and we have remained close ever since.

Going into Second Chances Joe arguably had one of the biggest targets on his back, but was able to survive by generally being a boss, a babe and, well, immune for the first four weeks. He sadly made his way out of the game and over to the jury after a crushing collapse/fainting spell at the end of what feels like the first non-ball related immunity challenge – if only he had more experience holding on to a rapidly extending pole!

Well that is what it looked like, at least!

We are pleased to confirm that Joe didn’t really need any smelling salts, but instead realised he was too good for the game and didn’t want to continue embarrassing people so opted to fake a faint, take himself out of the game and celebrate with a delicious Sloppy Joe Anglim with his forced concubine (which sadly included an uninvited Savage).

 

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Like Joe, these delightful, meaty treats can fix all of your problems, solve world peace and can (give you sustenance to) build literally anything useful out of mediocre objects.

Obviously, we made them extra sloppy – just how he likes them! Enjoy!

 

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Sloppy Joe Anglim
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
1 onion, diced
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 green capsicum
350ml passata
¼ cup tomato ketchup
1 tsp american mustard
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
a few drops to a lug of hot sauce, to taste
1 tbsp dark brown sugar
125ml of cold water
a good whack of salt & black pepper, to taste

Method
Cook off the mince and onion in a heated frying pan, ensuring that the meat is browned and broken up as you go.

Add the minced garlic and capsicum, cooking for a further few minutes.

Add the passata, tomato ketchup, mustard, Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, brown sugar and water, stirring to combine.

Bring the mixture to the boil. Once it is bubbling away like a Ponderosa sauna, turn the heat right down and leave it to simmer for about half an hour.

If it looks dry, add a bit of water or passata and heat. Otherwise, serve on soft burger rolls with plenty of cheese and a pickle.

Obviously we waited until after the meal for our pickle.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.