Call it what you will – brain snap, brain fart, complete mental collapse, non-mental giantism – but that doesn’t matter, all that does is that my dear, dear friend Jennifer Lanzetti had one and was swiftly sent packing.
As you could probably guess, Jenny and I first crossed paths many years ago while both of us were drug addicts. While she credits me with getting her addicted, I am very thankful to be able to credit her with getting me sober … well, one of the times at least.
After the first episode, Jen had set herself up well, squarely in the majority of the Luzon 2.0 / Matsing 3.0 tribe however proceeded to shoot herself in the foot and get herself sent into my loving arms at loser lodge. As much as I love Jen, I am glad that my almost sister and mental giant, Alecia Holden lived to see another day.
Maybe she sacrificed something to the embryos of fire on the beach?
While this week didn’t involve any worms trying to get intimate with brains (not the brains), the trees did get their revenge on Tai for last week by slashing his legs open. Lucky he had his dreamy pal, who can also walk on water, Caleb to make him feel good.
But that was all filler, the brawn tribe once again lost a hardcore physical challenge, I assume as a protest to the BvBvB concept while highlighting the fact that they are smarter than given credit for, and made their way back to my lover Jeff in the tribal council village (oh if the walls of those villas could talk).
Once there, Jen proceeded to shoot herself in the foot, face and knee-cap … repeatedly, like the creep my lover Paul Bettany played in The Da Vinci Code (our sex-tape – he was in character – inspired EL James to turn it into the straight-washed disaster known as 50 Shades).
With that, this tribal council marked the second time a grave-digger has made an epic blunder, leading to their departure. And once again, our marker-confused, mental giant, embryo helper lives to fight another day.
Who knows what that worm did to her brain – did it eat part of it? Was it trying to take her as a lover, like a puzzle laying down for Debbie? Was it telling her that my Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns were waiting for her in Ponderosa? That is the only thing that makes any sort of sense.
These buns are like crack. I don’t know whether it the cheese, all the herbs or the pillowy dough, but these are good. Real good.
Fun fact: you actually missed the part of tribal where she offered to take off her clothes for the buns, to give her motivation to stay. It failed, but at least I had them waiting for her in Loser Lodge.
Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns
3 ½ cups plain flour
2 tsp coarse salt
¼ cup warm water
3 tbsp caster sugar
2 ¼ tsp active dry yeast
6 large eggs, room temperature
1 tsp lemon zest
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
3 tbsp sage, finely chopped
1 tbsp thyme, finely chopped
170g unsalted butter, room temperature, cut into 6 pieces
85g unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup Parmesan, grated
½ cup flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
20ml thyme, chopped
1 tsp lemon zest
½ tsp freshly ground pepper
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour and salt. In the bowl of a mixer, combine warm water, sugar, and yeast and leave stand to get all foamy and frothy, about five minutes.
Add eggs, zest, garlic, herbs and flour mixture to the foamy yeast mixture and beat with a dough hook on medium-high speed until dough pulls away from sides of bowl, about 5 minutes.
Beat in butter, one piece at a time, while beating until fully combined and dough is shiny and smooth, about 5 minutes more. Cover with cling wrap and leave to prove, like Alecia with the fire, until doubled in size, about 1 hour.
Place in the fridge for an hour, punch down and return to the fridge for another hour.
In a bowl, combine everything but the butter.
Split the dough in half. Roll one of them out on a lightly floured surface into a large rectangle, about 30x15cm. Spread half the butter over dough, leaving a slight border, and sprinkle with half of cheese mixture, pressing it into the butter. Starting on a long side, roll the dough up to form a cylindrical shape and cut into eight equal disks. Place the disks on a lined baking sheet. Repeat the process with the remaining dough, cheese and butter – you know, all the remaining stuff.
Cover all of the rolls with cling wrap and leave to rise in a warm spot until doubled in bulk, about an hour or two.
Preheat oven to 190°C.
When the oven is at temperature, place the rolls in the oven and bake until golden brown, about 20 minutes.
Remove from oven and allow to cool slightly and then devour. They are glorious warm.
* Recipe adapted from Martha Stewart.