My country’s for old men

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I have oft been described as an octogenarian in a thirty year old’s body, which I admit was super offensive until my last birthday on account of me still being in my 20s.

But anyway, now that i’m actually a senior stuck in a 30 year old’s body, I’m completely embracing my daddy-dom – as the kids say – growing out my Mr Sheffield streaks and hanging out with my distinguished peers, like the divine Cormac McCarthy.

I first met Cors at a writing workshop while attending the University of Tennessee in the 50s, where we bonded over our passion for (Phil) Olivetti typewriters, as was the style of the time.

I gave him a call on the wireless the other day and thankfully his dance card was free for latter this week. What says we’re going to the jitterbug and do the Charleston like a brutal piece of western American literature?

Image source: Unknown.

 

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Never never nude

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I always knew that my very exclusive and dare I say it, militantly specific guest list for Cinco de Cuatro would raise some eyebrows AND tensions amongst my friends.

But I just didn’t expect Dave to get so cross … get it?!

Sorry, hard to go past such highbrow humour when it comes along. While my boy Dave Cross was feeling a little blue (man group) to miss out, he understood that I had to draw a line somewhere thematically.

Plus, I promised to have him over to coincide with a big announcement (which Jase has spoiled, but whatevs).

What says I can’t wait to work with you on season five?

Image source: FOX.

 

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Only the choice survive

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Survivor NZ: Nicaragua

If you’re reading this, my dear acquaintance Matt Chisholm was successful in kidnapping me and taking me to the jungles of Nicaragua to make the first season of Survivor NZ a success.

I’ve known Matty for the best part of a decade after mentoring him whilst he studied journalism despite being a couple of months ahead in my studies. Surprising only him, my mentorship worked and I’m proud to have watched his career flourish.

Though not proud enough to give up 40 days out of my life and cook meals in Nicaragua for the castoffs of an untested foreign series of Survivor willingly … which is where the wild accusation – who am I, Phaedra Parks – of kidnapping comes from.

Either way, I was trapped in a five star resort for over a month and cooked for this bunch of random castaways as they exited the game … and kind of enjoyed. I mean, Matt is no Probst, but I made do.

Join me every Tuesday and/or Wednesday – he kidnapped me but didn’t explain the schedule – for a culinary catch-up of Survivor NZ: Nicaragua.

Image source: TVNZ.

 

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The killer is Cotton fucking Weary

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Oh my poor sweet, dear Liev Schreiber – he and is namesake Cotton were not in fact the killer in any of the Scream movies … but didn’t he play a beautiful anti-hero?

Now i’m going to share a dark part of my history with you, so please be kind – I am actually the inspiration for Sidney Prescott. You see, while a teen in the ‘80s I was targeted by multiple killers and became known as the scream queen of Tweed (aka Porpoise Spit).

I sold my story to Tracy Grimshaw as a Grimmer’s exclusive, who in turn sold the rights off to Kevin Williamson leading to the franchise we’ve come to know as Scream.

While I became close friends with all of the cast while working on set as a consultant, I quickly bonded with my boy Liev Schreiber due to the beautiful way he toed the line between framed creep and innocent victim.

Plus, I heard he was into Australians and was keen to for a green card.

Anyway, he gave me a buzz over the weekend and sounded desperate to reconnect. What says I’m not loving Ray Donovan … but if you play your cards right, I could be convinced to keep going with it?

Image source: FOX.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Tumblr.

¡Qué divertido! Es cinco de cuatro

Cinco de Cuatro Celebration, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

As you know, there is nothing we love more than celebrating holidays – particularly if they’re made up – even if their history is quite horrible.

I mean, sure, Cinco de Quatro was created by the Bluths – well actually I created it, as I was the ghost creator/writer of the show – to ruin Cinco de Mayo for the Mexican community … but they eventually embraced the holiday, meaning it is empowering. Right?

Plus, it is the day before Cinco de Mayo – so ¿por qué no los dos?

Anyway, knowing they’d be very game to catch-up and have a bit of a Cinco de Cuatro party to honour Cinco de Mayo, I reached out to the core-Bluths for a week long bender.

What says tell me everything you know about season 5 … and finally convince Mitch to let me play Buster’s long-lost twin, Duster?

Image source: Netflix.

 

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Our lips un-sealed

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Just when I thought I wouldn’t be able to top my musical dynasty’s visits for the year with Carnie, I got a call – completely out of the blue – from my dear, dear Haylie Duff.

As you know, Annelie and I have a very long and confusing history with the Duff clan. I mean, I can’t even remember if we are truly Hiz and Hayl’s long lost twins, or whether it is a very long con that we are playing.

In any event, Hayl’s still thinks I am her 7-minute-younger-and-far-more-Hebraic-slash-bushy-browed-twin bro and she was hella keen to have a bit of family time, swap recipes and just do what fam does.

So what do I make for the dear friend I am scamming … or the dear sister I will probably scab off when my life next derails?

Image source: Asian Food Channel.

 

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Hold On

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I know there’s pain. But I don’t lock myself up in those chains.

I know that no one can change your life except for you and, most importantly, not to ever let anyone step all over you.

My advice? Just open your heart and your mind – it isn’t really fair to feel this way inside!

Excuse me while I drum solo for a bit, ok?

Some day (this week) somebody’s (my gurl Carnie Wilson) gonna make you want to turn around and say g’day / hi.

Until then baby you’re going to have to find someone to hold you down and while you cry.

Don’t you know? Don’t you know … things can change. I promise, the menu will go your way. If you hold on for one more day.

And then can you hold on for one more day.

Things’ll go your way … if you hold on for one more day after that too.

 

Image source: Still from the NEW Celebrity Apprentice.

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Megs, Megs, Megs all I want is Megs (to be famous again)

13th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza, Easter Meggstravaganza, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I am so sick of doing the Easter Meggstravaganza.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Meg and would do anything for her – anything – but how has the woman not had a bonafide hit to return her to the A-list in the previous 12 years of completing the egg based ritual?

Surely this year will be lucky number 13, right?

(Though with nothing on the horizon, the ritual has its work cut out for it).

Sit back and relax – you (should) know the drill – as I assemble Megs, a struggling musician, a successful TV star, a shockingly still living legend and a hero, to complete the ritual … and save the world.

Because a world without Meg headlining a movie is a world in need of fixing.

Welcome to the 13th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza – Megs, Megs, Megs, all I want is Megs (to be famous again)!

Image source: XX.

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I don’t want to wait

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I had two bae-bies in the ‘00s. One was Josh Jackson, the other was Van Der Beek.

It caused a set war or 44. But I couldn’t decide, you know? Every telephone ring, every heartbeat stinging. I thought to God my calling my calling here … was to start the greatest throuple of all time.

Oh would I son, grow to know two lovers?

The answer, obviously, was yes but it ended when the Creek did. Thankfully I remained close with both boys, Beek in particular.

I haven’t seen him since the demise of Bitch in Apartment 23, so gave him a call over the weekend and said – obviously – I don’t want to wait, for our lives to be over, I want to catch-up now. What will it be?

I don’t want to wait, for our lives to be over. Will it be yes or will i be, salty?

Thankfully for him, his career and our friendship, he said yes. What do I make to avoid him ugly crying?

Or better yet, what do I make that brings him so much joy that he ugly cries … and I film it, it goes viral and I live off the ad revenue like the Charlie bit me family?

Image source: Still from Dawson’s Creek.

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Ain’t No Party Like a Sausage Party

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Have I ever told you about the time I did good in the world?

Probs not – it was back in 2014 and I convinced my boys Ben Affleck and Seth Rogen to speak at two Senate committee meetings. It is so rare that I do something good that I forgot until Benny Aff reminded me last week.

Wanting to kind of marinate in the smug feeling I had, I reached out to Seth and thankfully he was hella keen to catch up and reconnect.

What says you’re a dear friend and I love that I can openly lust after you?

Image source: Gary Miller/Getty Images.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on InstagramFacebookTwitterPinterest and Tumblr.