Tomatoni Braxton Relish

Condiment, Sauce

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it but I really dislike, nay hate, David Foster. I mean sure, he’s had to live under the tyranny of Yolanda’s lemon regime, but he truly is just the worst.

His music however, not so bad … when you aren’t forced around the piano at gunpoint after dinner. Then it is a new and particularly heinous form of torture.

Hang on, I’ve digressed before even beginning; the bad blood started with David after he got me booted from the producing team of my dear friend Toni Braxton’s signature hit Un-Break My Heart (fun fact, the hit and run wasn’t meant to be part of the film-clip).

I had been close friends with Toni for countless decades before, meeting through her mother in South Carolina where I trained to be a cosmetologist. Being overwhelmed by our burgeoning talents, Toni and I formed a life-bond over the shared experience of others’ lesser talent and society’s general mediocrity.

Sure, there was an ugly period after David’s nefarious scheme to boot me from the single after I didn’t let him grope me in the back of a car however Toni eventually saw him for a cad and all was forgiven.

Tones dropped by to help mend my feud with Tamar (she stole my role on DWTS) and discuss a potential collab between The Braxtons and I. Obviously the only thing that can help feed our souls is my famed Tomatoni Braxton Relish.

 

Tomatoni Braxton Relish-1

 

Some say that relish is a condiment but Tones and I would have to respectfully disagree. I mean, how else do you think we got voices like angels? Tart, sweet and spicy – this is everything you want a relish to be … for whatever meal you want it as.

Enjoy!

 

Tomatoni Braxton Relish-2

 

Tomatoni Braxton Relish
Makes: About 2 cups.

Ingredients
1 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tsp yellow mustard seeds
12 fresh curry leaves
1 onion, sliced
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 tsp ground turmeric
1 tsp ground coriander seeds
1 tsp ground black pepper
½ tsp ground cumin
2 whole cloves
1 cinnamon quill
2 dried bay leaves
1 cup muscovado sugar
1 cup apple cider vinegar
2 x 400g can whole tomatoes
salt, to taste

Method
Heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the mustard seeds and curry leaves and cook stirring until the mustard seeds start to pop. Add in the onion and garlic and cook, again stirring, until the onion starts to sweat before tossing through the spices and bay leaves, cooking for a further minute.

Stir through the brown sugar, apple cider vinegar and tomatoes, lower heat and reduce until thick and sticky. Season to taste and devour … or use as a condiment and store in a sterilised jar, if you’re an animal like that!

 

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Muffins Florentine Henderson

Breakfast, Snack

Ok, so I have another confession to make – not only did Florence harbour me, quite literally, on her boat but we also had a clandestine affair in the early 70s. You know those rumours about her and Barry Williams? Yep, that was me … I just used him as a cover in ye-olde-TMZ.

While we had a very ugly break-up when she discovered me in the Brady bed with Robert Reed, she was kind enough to accept my apology when I was working through the steps during one of my earliest stints in Promises in the 80s.

Be it plastic surgery or her joie de vivre, Flo hasn’t changed a bit since she last came to town and is the same sweetheart that we grew to love on television. Instead of chastising me for ruining Annelie’s memory, she leant a supportive ear and offered no judgement.

As well as being in town for her annual visit, Flo was very excited by the possibility of us collaborating on her Retirement Living cooking show given my extensive connections and culinary skill. While I am reluctant to parlay these wealths it televisual fame and fortune which would inevitably lead to an Emmy, a spot on Survivor and a guest-judging spot on RuPaul’s Drag Race, I humoured Flo that I am ready to take the leap as it does make sense.

I was still reticent about my feelings regarding her idea after sleeping on her idea, my Muffins Florentine Henderson were the perfect dish to gloss over the planning.

 

Muffins Florentine Henderson-1

 

While they aren’t pretty, Muffins Florentine Henderson were our go-to post-coital snack in the Brady days and eventually became a family tradition for Christmas breakfast as nothing says festive quite like the cheesey and delicious post-freaky with Flo snack.

Enjoy!

 

Muffins Florentine Henderson-2

 

Muffins Florentine Henderson
Serves: 6/1, dependent on greed.

Ingredients
1 ½  cup chopped frozen spinach
2 onions, finely chopped
⅔ cup grated cheese
⅓ cup grated parmesan cheese
⅓ cup mayonnaise
salt and pepper
6 muffins, halved

Method
Completely drain the spinach and combine in a large bowl with the onion, cheeses and mayo, seasoning generously and not as generously, of the pepper and salt respectively. Leave to rest. This can be done a day ahead and left in the fridge in a air-tight container.

When you’re almost ready to eat, pre-heat the oven to 180°C and toast the muffin halves. Spoon a generous dollop of the cheesey spinach mixture on top. Repeating the process until they are all done.

Bake in the oven for 15-20 minutes or until golden and the cheese is bubbling.

Remove and leave to set/cool for a few minutes and then devour, unless you’re keen with third degree cheese burns in which case just dig right in.

I do not advise that though as I lost some feeling in my mouth doing that.

 

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Much more than a hunch

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Mercury’s latest retrograde has been a complete bunch of balls, except not in a good way. By that, it is not the hit Jenna Maroney song and it isn’t a sea of scrotums.

Let’s just reflect on that beautiful phrase, sea of scrotums – what an image!

Anywho, trying to work through the guilt of causing Annelie’s amnesia after sabotaging her cage fight has been really difficult on me and that cheeky little bugger Mercury has made it even harder but thankfully it is about to start moving forward again … and just in time for Florence Henderson to drop by.

I first connected with Flo when I came to town in the late 50s to work on the Today show where she beat me to the chauvinistic role as a Today Girl. While I missed the opportunity, my story would go on to inspire the movies Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire.

We stayed close over the decades – at times, very close – with Flo hiding me on her boat after I was involved in a televised car chase in my white Bronco in the early 90s.

No, not that Bronco … they just thought it was that Bronco and I was already evading arrest for lewd conduct with Divine Brown (I recommended her to Hugh).

What says thanks for always having my back … or getting me on it?

Picture source: ABC.com.

 

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Mont LeBlanc

Dessert, Sweets

Bless little Matty – he is such a doll!

While he doesn’t enjoy being upstaged by my animatronic pet chimpanzees or Matt Pez’s … sarcastic punchlines, he is a ride or die friend. Fun fact, our friendship inspired the entire Fast and or Furious saga – RIP Paul Walker (thank you for the Joy Ride your buns gave me).

Sure, as is the custom with being our friend, we have had some rough times after he refused to give his Married … with Children co-star and our legal guardian Christina Applegate a role in Lost in Space (ugh, Heather Grahvom), but he was kind enough to forgive us for advising him that a Joey spin-off was a good idea, so we are even.

Matty really helped put me back on the right path and work through my guilt and grief of what has happened over Christmas – oh, FYI, I am actually Annelie’s evil twin Ennelie.

I’ve had such a busy week – what with hosting Nigella Lawson’s Brisbane Q&A and acting as a mentor to David Sedaris – that I barely had time for poor Matt. Thankfully Nigella gave me the idea for a speedy Mont LeBlanc.

 

Mont LeBlanc-1

 

While I have to give credit to dear Nigey for the original express version of a Mont Blanc – I will blow my own trumpet and say that melting the chocolate and whipping it through the chestnut makes for a smoother, sweeter dessert.

Enjoy!

 

Mont LeBlanc-2

 

Mont LeBlanc
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
100g good-quality dark chocolate
1/4 tsp almond essence
500ml double cream
2 meringue nests
500g sweetened chestnut purée

Method
Break the chocolate into a medium, microwavable bowl and melt in the microwave on high for ten second intervals until down. Leave to cool slightly.

Place the cream in a large bowl and lightly whip it until soft peaks form. Fold through one of the crumbled meringues.

In an electric mixer, whisk the chestnut purée on medium speed and add in the chocolate and almond essence, continuing to whisk for a minute to combine.

Spread the chocolate/chestnut mixture evenly amongst four martini glasses, top with the cream/meringue mixture and crumbled excess meringue.

Devour immediately and pretend you made the purée and meringue from scratch and were very busy.

 

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He’ll be (t)here for me

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

No one told me life was gonna be this way, what with Annelie’s amnesia and Miley’s now almost-normal length tongue.

Yes, my job’s a joke (well I treat it as such), I’m broke (compared to a Vanderbilt) and my love life, with Skarsy, is once again DOA.

I was feeling like I was stuck in second gear over the weekend, what with it not having been my day, my week, my month but gosh darn it after getting a call from Matt to catch up, I just know it is going to be my year.

My dear friend, whom I ironically refer to as Shooter as he is packing anything but blanks, Matt and I have been there for each other since meeting on the set of Ed where he was co-starring with my recently purchased chimpanzee Lionel von Shunteece.

Lionel’s impeccable and more believable acting made Matt sad and wanting to be there for him, when the rain started to fall, I gave Lionel to my dear friend Paris Hilton as a sign of solidarity, setting Paris on the path of bizarre and irritating pets.

What says thanks for being there for me too-oo?

Picture source: Matthew Ralston / NBCU Photo Bank.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Rolled Dahl Turkey Filos

Main, Poultry

Damn I miss having Rolly in my life on the daily!

While I was going back to cheer myself up, I obviously felt the need to try and re-write history and convince him to change the character of Matilda to be a young ingenue called Ben. Mara Wilson would still have played the lead in the eventual film adaptation, going on to win the Oscar and rivaling Meryl Streep for accolades.

As you know, that is all still just my dream as Roald didn’t go for it.

Despite the sadness of parking my dream until another time travel jaunt, catching up with 1987 RoRo was such a treat. Yes, he was approaching the end of his life but the man still knew how to party.

We first met Roald while serving in World War II – he was in the Air Force, Annelie was performing in the British version of the USO Show titled the Bloody Bollocks Blimey War-Time Panto and I was working the streets, trying to help lonely soldiers make questionable choices.

Roald was first on the scene to break up a violent street brawl between Annelie and I and thanks to his calm, patient, loving nature took us in and helped us to heal our wounds, physical and emotional, and helped me turn my life around.

Read: I became a high class escort in the decade following the war – no more streets for me!

And yes, despite so many celebrities helping us turn our life around, it never seems to stick.

Before I whipped out the time machine, I took stock of the fridge and discovered an abundance of turkey, cranberry and pistachios which was serendipitous as they are the three key ingredients of our famed Rolled Dahl Turkey Filos.

 

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Turkey can be a daunting bird to approach, so consider this a gateway recipe until you’re ready to tackle Brian’s delight. The combination of stuffing-esque ingredients impart a delicate flavour to the meat while the filo casing helps lock in some moisture.

Talk about dream weaver – enjoy!

 

rolled-dahl-turkey-filos-2

 

Rolled Dahl Turkey Filos
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 turkey breasts, sliced in half
1 onion, finely diced
100g pancetta, rind removed and chopped
1 clove garlic, finely diced
1 tbsp sage, roughly chopped
100g dried cranberries, roughly chopped
50g pistachios, roughly chopped
50g brie, diced
sea salt
black pepper
375g filo

Method
Preheat oven to 170°C.

Combine the onion, pancetta, garlic, sage, cranberries, pistachio and brie in a large bowl with a generous whack of salt and pepper. Stir to combine.

After slicing the breasts you should have four pretty even (thick) slices of meat. Lay them out on a tray and separate the stuffing mixture into four equal portions and place in the middle of each – it will be pretty generous, but let’s be honest, the stuffing is the draw card here.

Working one at a time, roll the breast on top of itself to have a layer of turkey around a core of stuffing – not to sound patronising, but that makes sense right?

Anyway, grab two sheets of filo pastry and place a stuffed turkey roll in the middle of the filo towards one end. Roll the turkey over so the filo is wrapped around it, fold in each end and then wrap up the rest of the sheet of filo. Place on a lined baking tray and repeat the process until they are all done.

Brush with some olive oil and sprinkle with some leftover chopped sage, pistachio or brie – obviously I ran out and used parmesan. I love cheese, but I don’t think it worked.

Bake in the oven for 20-30 minutes or until they are golden and crisp.

Serve with some steamed broccolini or potato bake. Roald was in charge of sides for our catch-up and dropped the ball, sad.

 

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Matilda and the Giant Chocolate Witches

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Welcome to 2016, ya’ll – we hope you all had a relaxing festive period doing whatever it is people that are not so well connected do!

Obviously, we spent our time hanging in St Bart’s with Portia, Ellen, Bieber-Peen, not-Alec’s daughter, Hairy Pyles and Kenny before returning to Australia to ring in the new year, emphasis on ring, at Byron with the wider Cyrus-Hemsworth clan.

While we had a wonderful couple of weeks – sadly sans cooking, so sorry no culinary evidence – tragedy struck when and Annelie and Miley were just being Miley and got into a serious accident while cage-fighting. Poor Miles lost 30cm of her tongue, while tragically Annelie was struck, quite literally, with a case of amnesia.

We believe her evil twin Ennelie may have rigged the cage to malfunction so that she could steal her identity, yet that hasn’t been confirmed. Those are the days of our lives, I guess …

Given the extensive nature of her injuries and the fact that she only remembers our pre-murdering friendship with Charles Manson (I do not want to break that news to her), she is on the bench while she recovers … or completes her Medicine degree, at which point I assume she can fix herself.

But through the tragedy, I will continue and potentially, and probably unlikely-ly, prosper.

That being said, I am feeling blue so thought it best to whip out the time-machine and go visit one of our dearly departed friends who has provided every person’s childhood with boundless joy – Roald Dahl!

I’ve got a shit tonne of leftovers in the fridge/freezer/pantry – what to make, what to make?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.