Tamale Cyrus

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Full disclosure, I forgot corn husks. Then I drowned the dough. Then I burnt my hands. Then I opted for a deconstructed ta … I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let me take you back – picture it, my kitchen, yesterday. My girl, staunch Vegemite fan Miley Cyrus, dropped by after requesting a catch-up.

Having played such an integral role in Annelie’s departure, Miles and I have been in close contact most of the year however she has been too scared to get too close to the scene of the crime. Thankfully Hiddleswift are in town stealing the limelight and showing their true colours, so Miles thought it was time to catch-up and make sure Annelie’s studying-medicine-to-cure-her-ailment was going well.

Miles dropped by after spending the day with Annelie and was disheartened by the fact that her selective amnesia seems here to stay … but was pleased that the silver lining is that she will be a doctor and will hopefully lack enough morals to give us an endless supply of pointless prescriptions and fraudulent medical certificates.

You win some, you lose some I guess.

Either way, we opted out of having a friendly cage fight and instead gabbed about our Hemsworths – he’s Thor? I’m so thor I can barely shi … nevermind – discussed our dear Dolly and reminisced about the wondrous time of our lives that was Hannah Montana (she is unaware I had an affair with Billy Ray while working on the set – don’t tell her).

As I alluded to up front, this week’s meal didn’t go to plan. I wanted something fun, spicy and comforting – not knowing how she’d take Annelie’s continued amnesia – so I went with her fave, my Tamale Cyrus.

Then my forgetfulness – do I also have amnesia – laziness and patience got in the way (read: I bought mince instead of pork butt and forgot corn husks to wrap them), resulting in a deconstructed Tamale Cyrus. But the thing is, I actually loved them!

 

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I mean sure, there is nothing better than wrapping your meat in some warm pillowy dough … but sometimes it is just as satisfying to slap it on top of said dough and slather it in your special sauces.

Enjoy – you know I did!

 

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Tamale Cyrus
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
Meat
vegetable oil
2 onions onion, finely chopped
6 cloves garlic, minced
1kg pork mince
¼ cup chili powder
2 tbsp salt
1 tbsp pepper
1 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp smoked paprika
2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp ground cumin
3 cups chicken stock
1 jalapeno pepper, minced (removed the seeds if you don’t like heat)

Corn(flat)bread
5 cups cornmeal
1 ½ tbsp salt
1 tbsp baking powder
200g unsalted butter
cooking broth

Method
Heat a lug of oil over medium heat in a large, deep pot and saute the onions and garlic for a couple of minutes. Add the meat, breaking up with a spoon as you go – if you accidentally buy mince, dems the breaks – and cook until lightly browned.

Add the spices and jalapeno and cook for a minute, to release the flavours. Then, add the stock, crank up the heat and bring to a boil. Once it is getting lively, reduce the heat to low and simmer for about an hour.

Once everything has literally simmered in its juices, remove from the heat and allow to cool slightly.

Preheat the oven to 180C.

Once cooled, strain off the liquid from the meat and leave the meat to rest while you cook the bread.

See why real pork would have been better than mince? Nigella once told me to embrace the failures though, so I’m making it work!

Anyway, combine the dry cornbread ingredients in a large bowl. Using your hands, rub through the butter until it resembles wet sand on a terrible beach with mega coarse sand. Once combined, gradually add the stock while stirring until the dough is thick and moist – how good is that word, moist, MOIST – but not wet. Trust your judgement, not mine.

Press the dough into a large baking sheet – like one you’d use for making cookies – until it is a smooth 5mm layer and bake for 10-20 minutes, or until golden and cooked but not to hard. Again, use your judgement – Miley and I were pretty wasted at this point so it may have taken anywhere from 5 minutes to 6 hours – you want it to be soft yet squishy, like a polenta chip.

Once it is what you would deem ready, carve the bread into squares, place one on your plate, top with your meat and then top with another piece of dough. Who doesn’t love their meat in a sandwich?

Then top with guac, sour cream and more chilli sauce if you need it. Or not … but who doesn’t love a special sauce?

Also, sorry – I won’t cook drunk again for a few weeks. Promise.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

We’re not in Montana anymore

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Way back when, I hopped off the plane at L.A.X. with a dream and my cardigan. Welcome to the land of fame, excess, whoa! Am I gonna fit in?

(Yes – obviously).

Jumped in the cab, there for the first time. Look to my right, and I see the Cyrus clan. This is all so achy-breaky, everybody is so famous. My tummy was turnin’ and I was feelin’ kinda sick.

(I assumed I was pregnant with Billy Ray’s lovechild – dreams).

Turns out it was too much pressure (on my waist – In’n’Out just proves to tempting) and I was nervous we’d fall out. That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio.

And the Jay-Z song was on.

And the Jay-Zucchini Bake came to mind. But the Jay-Zucchini Bake wasn’t on (in the oven).

So I put my hands up, she’s coming along. Miley Cy is flying my way. She asked to visit and I nodded my head like, yeah! And am movin’ my hips to the kitchen, there!

Got my hands up, she’ll probs bring her bong and now I’m gonna be okay (maybe she will trigger Annelie’s memories).

Yeah! It’s a party with Mi-ley-ley!

Yeah! Miley’s gonna party with BJJ!

So … what do I make?

Picture source: Screenshot from Party in the U.S.A film clip.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Chris Rocky Road

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Despite all of his pre-show panic and nerves, Chris is going to do such a great job hosting next weekend – he barely even needed me to tart up his script and makes the jokes punchier! He will perfectly balance the important political message of equality with humour and heart … but I’m giving too much away.

Chris and I have always had a very hands-on but not in the way you’d expect from me relationship, standing together during the good times and the bad and helping each other whenever the other is in a personal, professional or spiritual pickle.

I spent the early 90s enjoying life as part of his entourage at 30 Rock while he was on SNL – it was pre-Lorne’s ban – before encouraging him to focus on his fledgling movie career with such hits as the shockingly Oscar-snubbed Sgt. Bilko.

We were kept apart for a decade or so by geography with my many stints in rehab and prison, but that never lessened our bond and when catching-up it is always like no time has passed.

With important work to do finalising his script, I knew there was only one thing to do – make him his favourite Chris Rocky Road.

 

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As I rule, I grew up hating rocky road as jelly was foul and pink marshmallows confused me – I also thought it was spelt Rocklea Road and that angered me. I was, obviously, thrown into a fit of rage when once Chris requested some in the SNL writers room until he explained both the correct spelling and that pink marshmallows can just be binned.

With that I got to work combining all of our favourite things, peanut butter, pretzels and chocolate and the sweet, salty and ultimately glorious Chris Rocky Road was born.

Enjoy!

 

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Chris Rocky Road
Makes: 24 large chunks.

Ingredients
100g peanut butter chips
250g dark chocolate
150g milk chocolate
175g soft butter
60ml golden syrup
200g pretzels
150g peanuts
150g freeze-dried strawberries, roughly chopped
100g white marshmallows, chopped
icing sugar, for dusting

Method
Place peanut butter chips in the freezer.

Melt the dark and milk chocolate with the butter and syrup in a heavy bottomed saucepan over a low heat.

Place the pretzels in a freezer bag and bash them with a rolling pin to get a variety of sized pieces.

Empty into a large bowl with the peanuts, strawberries and marshmallows. Take the pan of the heat and mix the chocolate through to combine. Remove the peanut butter chips from the freezer and mix through.

Tip the mix into a lined square baking tray, smoothing it as much as possible. Place in the fridge until firm enough to set and cut, a couple of hours.

Place on a plate, dust with icing sugar and devour.

 

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Everybody hates Chris

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Much has been made of the annual #OscarsSoWhite campaign with many of my dear friends missing out on nominations, Will Smith not included – he broke my heart in the 80s when he ended our engagement knows what he did.

Thankfully the great Cheryl Boone Isaacs had the good sense to ignore the overwhelmingly privileged white, middle-aged men that dominate the membership (also, thanks for working to correct the imbalance, Chez) and hire my dear friend and confidante Chris Rock for this year’s hosting gig.

Chris and I first connected in New York in the 80s when we were both being mentored by Eddie Murphy. While I spent more time honing my suggestive outfits rather than my craft – I wanted Eddie to marry me, obviously – Chris was always destined to be a star.

With Chris busy prepping for his role hosting Hollywood’s night of nights, he gave me a buzz to come over and provide him with some much needed moral support (and assistance writing jokes).

What will give us energy to brainstorm while saying break a leg but not literally as it would be in poor taste for me to turn up impersonating you in blackface as a replacement host? Even I know that is not funny or appropriate!

Picture source: George Pimentel / WireImage.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.