Franks’n Beans

Breakfast, Main

Oh my – where do I start with my dear sweet Frances Bean?! As you know, I am a dear friend of her parents Kurt and Courtney and as such, have always taken a protective older brother role in her life.

Oh and FYI, I am her third godparent with Michael Stipe and Drew Barrymore for my exemplary morals, though that never seems to make the news, does it?

I always tried to look out for Frances growing up, as I have long known – thanks to LVP, no less – that the crown is heavy and as the Princess of a grunge empire, her crown was pretty heavy and I always wanted her to know that I had her back and support her unconditionally.

To the point where I followed her to Bard College to make sure she was ok slash see if I could ride her coattails. Shockingly, I had a rare moment of self reflection and realised that riding coattails was exploitative, so I left school and let her soar.

And soar she did..

It was such a delight to see her again, give her and hug and reiterate to her how proud I am in the awkward way your mum does. Thankfully she didn’t think it was too weird and we spent the afternoon catching up and laughing about our past … over a big vat of Franks’n Beans.

 

 

Sticky and sweet, earthy and a little bit spicy, this little baby was our go to meal at college. Like a combination of a childhood hug and nostalgia, it is everything you could want while reminiscing about the good old days.

Enjoy!

 

Franks’n Beans
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
6 rashers streaky smoked bacon, diced
1 onion, diced
4 garlic cloves, minced
1 green capsicum, diced
1 tbsp chilli powder
⅓ cup ketchup
⅔ cup bbq sauce
3 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 tbsp dijon mustard
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce
4 cups vegetable stock
800g canned navy beans, you could try dried but TBH it is too hard
salt and pepper, to taste
6 skinless hot dogs, thickly sliced

Method
Heat a lug of olive oil in a dutch oven and cook the bacon, onion and garlic for about five minutes, or until fragrant and glorious. Add the capsicum and chilli, and cook for a further minute.

Stir through the ketchup, barbecue sauce, muscovado sugar, dijon, worcestershire, stock and beans with a good whack of salt and pepper. Bring to the boil and reduce heat to low and simmer, uncovered and semi-stirring, for about an hour, or until the liquid is thick and glorious.

Add the hot dogs and cook for a further five minutes before serving generously on fresh toast.

And devouring.

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Libbean Vincek Soup

Main, Side, Snack, Soup, Survivor, Survivor: Ghost Island, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor, the three tribes became one and the war between Dom and Chris reignited. While the Naviti women wanted to stick Naviti strong and take out the more threatening Libby first, they couldn’t put an end to the pissing match to sway the numbers. Instead Dom threatened to play his fake idol, denied having an actual idol then played Sierra Dawn-Thomas’ legacy advantage – despite not getting any votes – as poor, bad rapping Chris found himself booted to become the King of the Jury.

Back at camp the tribe processed the first merge tribal, with Libby confused about why people keep targeting her and how she should work to change their perceptions of her. Or find an advantage, obvi. Meanwhile Dom was feeling relieved, thankful to no longer have Chris on his back and able to distract people from his threat status. Maybe.

The next day Wendell continued to be a God, quickly pulling together an island kitchen  – off topic, could you imagine he, Brad and Monica on a season together, him building a killer home, them decorating with found objects? It would be iconic, make it happen – while confirming with us that he is still firmly aligned with Laurel, Dom and Donathan, though wasn’t sure how things will play out with Chris around. He checked in with Laurel to make sure them were feeling ok and to reassure her, confirming Dom has an idol and hoping to win back her trust … before locking in a top four deal. To solidify that, he shared that he too had an idol which seems to have had the opposite effect, with her no longer sure she can trust him and debating whether she should pounce.

My boy Probst arrived on the scene for the reward challenge where the tribe would be split into teams of six, and then run across a floating bridge to the shore before shooting bags at tiles. It was for a Survivor Taco bar, but let’s ignore the fact that Jeff got creative with his pronunciation like Matty Chisholm, ok? Team Angela, Laurel, Wendell, Chelsea, Libby and Donathan got out to a quick lead and damn he looks good in his jocks. While Domenick evened things up, Laurel extended their lead while Sebastian, Donathan, Angela and Chelsea struggling to connect. The orange team evened things up before Libby had a turn and Wendell and his cakes heading back in to snatch the lead. Laurel went out for another turn, followed by Wendell before Laurel just missed the target, leaving Wendell to snatch victory for the purple team.

Before heading off for tacos, they opted not to select someone to attend Ghost Island, with the Survivor Gods instead channeling the white rock to send Jenna. She arrived hopeful for an opportunity to play for an advantage before quickly being disappointed to discover she was one of the unlucky visitors. While she was feeling dejected, her fellow outside Libby was feeling herself at the taco bar. They loaded up their plates, grabbed some fresh margs and toasted to their success. Wendell was thankful to find himself on reward with Laurel and Donathan, wanting to reconfirm their bond. Libby quickly asked them when she was targeted at the last tribal, with Angela and Chelsea assuring her it was simply an easy option and they wanted to break up her and Michael.

The next day Angela and Michael, who is young enough to be her son, joined together to float the idea about breaking up actual power couple Wendell and Dom. Angela was feeling her freedom from Chris and his inability to follow anyone else’s idea, she then took Michael’s concerns to Kellyn and Chelsea before stirring things up with Wendell, Dom and Des. While I love Michael, come through queen Angela and welcome to the game!

The tribe reconvened by the beach to discover an ominous table – yas yas yas, it is the gross food challenge! The first round required three people to scoff down two fish eyes, with Michael, Des and Laurel progressing and Libby, Donathan and Jenna eliminated from the competition. Probst lined up the rest of the castaways for their eyes, with Angela, Sebastian and Domenick moving on and Wendell, Kellyn and Chelsea eliminated. The next course saw the remaining castaways downing three live grubs, with Sebastian, Michael and Angela dominating the rest. For their third course, they had to down two massive sea slugs with Angela shoving them down her throat like a damn boss while Michael’s slow and steady approached kept him alive. The final round saw Michael and Angela downing some mother of pearl with Angela completely dominant with poor Michael struggling with each bite, ultimately securing herself immunity and showing the most personality she has all season.

Back at camp the tribe congratulated Angela on slaying dem slugs before quickly getting to work scrambling for the tribal ahead. Laurel and Donathan got to work finding an in with Des, Chelsea and Kellyn to figure out what they’re planning to do and try and come up with a counter plan. They took the plan to target Michael back to Michael and Jenna, with Michael wanting Malolo to stick together while Naviti splits the votes allowing them to take out the bigger threat of Wendell. Laurel and Donathan got together to weigh up their options, with Donathan feeling it is time to take out Wendell to even up the numbers a bit though scared it would make him a target. Dom then told Libby she was safe tonight before being contradicted by Donathan who fleshed out that the plan involved splitting the votes between her and Michael. Kellyn then joined Wendell and Domenick, with Kellyn lamenting she can’t get a read on Laurel and Donathan which made her feel insecure.

At tribal council Chris scrubbed up extremely well before Probst praised Angela for stepping things up and coming out of her shell, with Sebastian congratulating her ability to swallow a sea slug whole. While it was impressive, who can’t? Anyway Des said that big moves where critical to everyone’s game allowing Probst to remind them of the new round-table final tribal format, with Dom and Wendell praising it for favouring the big players. Once again, Michael got to work blowing things up at tribal reminding everyone that they can’t rely on safe – which Milk obvi agrees with. Laurel wants the Naviti tribe to use her while they have a chance, the Navitis acknowledge sticking together required some cult-level convincing. Again, Kellyn continued to harp on about Naviti strong while Michael continued to push to be used, to which I say, yas gawd.

The votes rolled in and Michael’s fear got the best of him, opting to play Ozzy’s fucking stick – not this one (NSFW, obvi) – which glowed the fuck up and saved him from the boot, negating the seven votes against him. Instead poor Libby found herself off to the jury, while Michael congratulated Wendell on a move well played to lowkey paint a bigger target on his back rather than his own.

Poor Libs was feeling quite down to be out of the game so soon, but was thankful to be one of the few Malolos to make the jury and therefore still a viable option in the love stakes. After perking her back up, I managed to get her to cloud nine as soon as she saw I was packing a piping hot Libbean Vincek Soup.

 

 

Packed full of hearty bean goodness, fresh creamy pesto and the warmth of a soothing, carby broth. How could you stay sad?

Enjoy!

 

 

Libbean Vincek Soup
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 onion, thinly sliced
5 garlic cloves, crushed
1 celery, thinly sliced
1 potato, finely diced
2 tbsp Toni Basil Pesto
2L chicken stock
400g canned cannellini beans, rinsed and drained
400g crushed tomatoes
small handful of parsley, roughly chopped
½ cup orzo
bunch of baby spinach
¼ cup grated parmesan cheese

Method
Heat a lug of olive oil in a large dutch oven and sweat the onion, garlic, celery and potato for a couple of minutes. Stir through pesto for a minute before adding the stock, beans, tomatoes and parsley. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and add the orzo, and simmer for about fifteen minutes.

Once the orzo is cooked through, stir through the spinach and parmesan and serve, devouring immediately … covering in extra parm-parm. Though obvi being careful because soup is hot as balls.

 

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Devon Pinto Beans on Toast

Breakfast, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor, the four of the final five’s complacency lead to Ben finding yet another idol. Despite Chrissy’s best attempts to use her dead super idol to her advantage and play it as an idol to stop him searching. Yes, it was too little too late, but thankfully for Devon he felt Ben was too confident for someone that was about to be voted out, and threw a vote on Mike to save himself and send Mike to the jury.

The final four returned to camp, once again shocked by Ben’s latest idol play and Devon receiving his first vote. Ben then checked in with Ryan to see whether he and his series of idols broke another record. While semi-gloating that night, he was feeling decidedly less confident the next day given idols are dead. Though Probst did say that the final four would bring about another twist, so who knows.

Chrissy for one was extremely nervous about the twist as if all goes according to plan and one of their three win immunity, she wins a million dollars and Ben goes home in fourth.

Given she said immunity three times, Probst appeared for the final immunity challenge of the season which features the victor also getting said twist. The challenge seemed simple with the castaways required to spell our heroes, healers and hustlers on a wobbly platform. Looks were deceiving however as Chrissy quickly dropped her first batch of letters, as did Devon. Ryan and Ben got out to an early lead, while Chrissy and Devon continued to bumble around. Public enemy number one Ben then overtook Ryan and placed his final letters and locked in the platform, thinking he had immunity. Tragically for him, one of the letters was upside down and he lost most of his blocks as he unlocked the structure to fix it. That lead to Ryan, Chrissy and Devon all following suit and dropping all their blocks. The panic started to set in with Ben dropping again, followed by Ryan, Chrissy, Devon, Ryan and Devon. It came down to Ben and Chrissy who were neck and neck before Ben dropped again, giving Chrissy enough time to finish the puzzle and snatch her record-equalling fourth immunity challenge.

They returned to camp where Ben was feeling completely defeated, knowing he was a dead man walking. Ryan and Chrissy spoke about them potentially being millionaires soon while Ben spoke to Chrissy about the possibility of taking him to the end. While she told him she would think about it, she knew it may cost her the game. Little did he know that Chrissy’s advantage was actually a disadvantage, which gave her the opportunity to pick one person to take to the end and leave the other two to compete in a fire challenge for the final spot. Which bodes well for Ben and not good for Devon, as Chrissy thinks he will be better at making fire than Ryan.

Chrissy took the information to Devon and Ryan so that they would be across it and Devon could use the time to practice making fire. While Ryan was thrilled his ineptitude secured his place in the final three, there was an overwhelming sense of doom as Devon went down to the beach to practice making fire and immediately broke the flint.

Things didn’t go that much better for Devon at tribal council where after Ryan joined Chrissy as a member of the final three, Ben was shocked to learn he had yet another life and made quick work of the fire while Devon struggled to even get a spark, sending him out of the game as the final juror.

As heartbroken as he and his enormous torso were to exit the game on day 38 by an unprecedented twist, he quickly brushed it off as just part of the game. I screamed and threatened to sue for what felt like six hours before calming my farm and getting down to whipping up some Devon Pinto Beans on Toast for the morning after making Devs feel better.

 

 

While they oft have smack talked about them as the musical fruit, beans are fucking delicious and wholly nutritious … which is super convenient if you just spent 38 starving on an island and backed it up with a very late night.

Enjoy!

 

 

Devon Pinto Beans on Toast
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
extra virgin olive oil
1 onion, diced
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tomato, roughly chopped
1 carrot, peeled and cut into half-moon discs
400g can pinto beans, drained and rinsed
½ tsp smoked paprika
sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 slices sourdough, toasted
parmesan, to serve

Method
Heat a lug of oil in a medium skillet until nice and hot. Reduce heat to low, add the onions and garlic, and sweat until soft and sweet. Add the tomato, beans and a lug of water and cook for two minutes, or until almost completely reduced. Add the paprika and a whack of salt and pepper, stir and remove from the heat.

Serve immediately on freshly toasted sourdough, top with some parmesan and devour thinking this is why I’m a morning person.

 

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Kilpatrick Warbeantons

12 days of Festivus for the rest of us, Side

While I have to try and spread out the core four in our 12 days of Festivus celebrations – you know, after catching up with Jase, Heidi, Barney, Liz, Wayne and Michael – and today doesn’t feature one of them, Patrick Warburton sure does tick the box for an awesome dinner companion.

I first met Pat whilst a part of Jamie Lee Curtis’ entourage. He was guesting on her allegedly hit sitcom Anything But Love in the early ‘90s. The title, of course, acted as a massive irony as we fell deeply in love. While it didn’t work out, we remained the closest of friends and I vowed to make his barry-tones famous.

When the role of Puddy came up, I knew he was the only person for the part. They were casting The Tick, I gave him a call. Walt needed someone to carry The Emperor’s New Groove with Eartha Kitt, I (made sure he) was there, like the Baywatch team would have you believe.

Given the fact he’s been super busy with A Series of Unfortunate Events, Pat and I haven’t been able to see of much as each other as we’d like. It was such a treat to be able to take the time, at festivus, to reconnect and reminisce over the supporting embrace of my star supporting player, Kilpatrick Warbeantons.

 

 

Oysters, natures snot, make me feel sick but I must admit, the concept of kilpatrick makes them sounds marginally more appealing. But I mean, how exactly can you go wrong by adding bacon and/or cheese to any occasion. The answer is, you can’t.

Enjoy!

 

 

Kilpatrick Warbeantons
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
4 rashers streaky bacon, finely diced
500g beans, top and tailed
2 tbsp passata
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp Tabasco
salt and pepper, to taste
3 tbsp parmesan, finely grated

Method
Heat a frying pan over medium heat and cook the bacon until crispy. Remove the bacon from the pan and drain the oil on some kitchen towel.

Add the beans to the greasy pan and cook, stirring, until vibrant in colour but still crunchy.

Remove from the heat, toss through the passata, Worcestershire and Tabasco with a good whack of salt and pepper. Transfer to a bowl, top with bacon and parmesan, and devour, giddily.

 

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Annelicoise Wilson Salad

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Main, Salad, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, the tribes followed the lead of Spice Girls as two became one. While the remaining Asagans looked to be screwed given their numbers disadvantage, they systematically pulled in Henry, Michelle and Locky, one by one, to take control which tragically sent Jarrad out of the game.

Though again, in the words of Abi-Maria, at least he made the jury.

The tribe returned from tribal council where the former majority were reeling from J-Rad’s departure, quickly banding together to find out who flipped on them. While Tessa, Ziggy and Pete assumed it was Locky that flipped, my king did some next level lying and bamboozled them to the point where it felt like they couldn’t even be bothered to find the rat.

The next day Anneliese was still reeling from the vote and Locky’s ability to lie to her face, which made her feel uneasy about him. She then decided that he needed to go, and got to work deciding who best for them to target. Meanwhile Henry and Jericho went for a walk to find Henry’s idol from day four, using the useless clue that he gave to Jericho at the reward challenge a couple of weeks ago. He then pretended to find his own idol again, solidifying Jericho’s loyalty to him.

Anneliese meanwhile continued her assault on my man, approaching Sarah to join with her to get rid of Locky. On the flipside, Henry continued to solidify his alliance with Luke and Jericho by stealing the rest of the jam while everyone slept. It makes as much sense as it sounds, given it will not end well. As expected, JamGate erupted the next morning when Anneliese and Locky discovered the jam was gone.

In the post-jam world of Asatoa, Henry and Locky met up with Sarah and Michelle to discuss their next move, deciding that it was most important to get rid of Anneliese. They also decided that she was the one to eat the jam, just to really confirm the alliance. Ziggy and Pete then reconnected to discuss their next steps, with the latter wanting to go down swinging with his current alliance while Ziggy was willing to shop around for answers.

On the walk to the immunity challenge, Anneliese told us she didn’t want Locky to win, while Henry mentioned Anneliese couldn’t win meaning, in all likelihood, one of them is about to win the challenge. Jonathan gave us a quick rundown – after Henry flagged JamGate again – with the challenge broken up into three stages. The first six people to hook their ring on a pole – my favourite pastime – moved through to the second round, where they had to work through a rope tangled on an obstacle. The top three moving on to the last phase where they each had to land three balls on a ledge at the top of a ramp.

Doing the LGBT community proud, Pete quickly landed his ring, followed by Tara, Henry, Locky, Tessa and Jericho. Henry took an early lead on the second stage, before being overtaken by Locky who became the first person moving on to the final stage. Thankfully Henry wasn’t too far behind, with Jericho rounding out the top three. Locky got out to an early lead, before Henry and Jericho each landed a ball. Henry landed his second, followed by Jericho before Henry just took out immunity. Oh and yeah, neither Locky nor Anneliese won immunity like predicted. Whatevs.

After a brief interlude of pleasantries while everyone congratulated Henry on his victory, shit started to get real. Henry, Luke, Locky and Michelle confirmed the vote for Anneliese, though Michelle and Luke would pretend they were onboard with getting out Locky. Locky then tried to work the idol out of Anneliese’s hands, though given the fact she knows they’re both targeting each other it wasn’t very successful. Anneliese then approached Tessa and Pete to see what the plan was, with them telling her that it is likely her. She then admitted that she had the idol and vowed to play it and stick together.

Tessa and Pete then approached Ziggy to lock in the plan, which she agreed with before running directly to Locky and Henry to keep Locky – another potential meatshield for Ziggy – in the game over Anneliese. While Locky and Henry were feeling confident, Tara and Luke weren’t buying it and were extremely nervous as they headed off to tribal.

At tribal, Jarrad watched on from the jury as the first five minutes revolved around JamGate. While Sarah correctly guessed Luke was involved, Jericho alluded to the fact that it may have influenced the vote which shows he is probs smarter than I give him credit for. Finally we got to some vague statements about the numbers, with Michelle pointing out that despite believing she had the numbers after the last tribal council, the line in the sand was washed away the very next day. Ziggy mentioned she was planning to take out a threat tonight, while Tara and Henry spoke about how dangerous flippers are in the game. Michelle spoke about idols being out there followed by Ziggy mentioning that tonight is the night to make a move, making me even more anxious than I thought possible today … AND I was at the Emmys but a few hours ago!

The votes rolled in between Locky and Anneliese – well I assume, we only saw two – before Anneliese decided to play her idol to save herself from becoming the scapegoat. Sadly for her though, Ziggy opted to play her super idol negating Anneliese’s idol and sending her out of the game as the second juror. While I would have burnt the jury villa to the ground if it happened to me, Anneliese was as gracious as always upon arrival and warmly embraced me as I put the finishing touches on her Annelicoise Wilson Salad.

 

 

I’m actually a lecturer at Anneliese’s university – obviously, I’m still into running uni scams – and I truly have a soft spot for her. Hell, I’d go as far as to say she is my favourite student … which explains why I was willing to cook seafood for her. Well … serve it. While the idea of tuna makes me sick, nicoise is actually pretty amazing. Though I assume that all comes down to the potato and eggs? In any event, enjoy!

 

 

Annelicoise Wilson Salad
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 eggs
150g potatoes
150g green beans, trimmed, halved
2 tbsp champagne vinegar
1 tsp Dijon mustard
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
pinch of muscovado sugar
¼ cup olive oil
2 baby cos lettuces, leaves torn and rinsed
200g tinned tuna, drained
12 small black olives, halved
small handful parsley, diced

Method
Place the eggs in a pot of cold water. Place over medium heat, bring to the boil and cook for five minutes. Drain the eggs, submerge in cold water, peel and half.

While the eggs are cooking, place the potato into a second pot of water with a pinch of salt and bring to the boil. Cook for five to ten minutes, or until tender. Add the beans and cook for a further minute. Drain, run under cold water to refresh and allow to drain for a couple of minutes.

Combine the vinegar, dijon, garlic, muscovado and olive oil in a jug and whisk until well combined.

To serve, place the lettuce in a bowl, top with potato, beans and eggs. Drizzle with the dressing, add tuna and olives, sprinkle over parsley … and add more dressing, because who doesn’t wanna get saucy.

Then, obviously, devour.

 

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Enchilada Nicodemou

Main

Oh Ada, how you fill my heart with so much love!

Ada was thankfully given the night off from her relentless Home and Away filming schedule – the only reason I have never taken up one of the many offers to appear on the show – to drop by, gab and devour something as nourishing as our friendship is for our souls.

I mean yes, as with most of my friendships we had our rough patches like when I forced her off Heartbreak High and onto my new series Breakers where I was casting Alex Dimitriades look alikes to fill the void that he left after finally getting a restraining order. Thankfully after the show tanked, she got Home and Away though and I got her a role in The Matrix, so she eventually had to forgive me.

I mean, she got to marry Ryan Kwanten … she couldn’t hold a grudge.

Despite the many lawsuits Channel 7 have brought against me in her past 16 years on Home and Away – the daily death threats to Kochie and Grant Denyer (back in the day – I forgive him after he tanked people I knew on Family Feud), the aggressive trolling of Tara Dennis’ design skills and my lecherous courting of Bruce McAvaney caused but a few – she has always demanded my presence on set to provide her with love and guidance.

Given how busy I’ve been the last year, travelling the globe to provide culinary coverage of multiple Survivor seasons while managing HRC’s campaign, hosting brunch with the All Stars of Drag Race and my usual weekly guests, our relationship has regretfully been on the backburner. Thankfully Ada jumped at the chance to come up and reconnect – but really, who would want to miss out on a batch of my Enchiladas Nicodemou.

 

enchilada-nicodemou-1

 

Make no mistake, these enchiladas are less Mexican than Tex Mex but to a Australian Greek Cypriot and an Australian of questionable origins it does the trick – smokey, sweet and packing a nice kick of heat, they keep you coming back for more despite the complete bastardisation of a culinary history.

Enjoy!

 

enchilada-nicodemou-2

 

Enchilada Nicodemou
Serves: 4, heartily.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 onion, finely diced
3 cloves garlic, chopped
800g chicken breast, diced
1 capsicum, diced
1 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp smoked paprika
1 ½ tsp ground cumin
1 ½ tsp dried oregano
½ tsp cayenne pepper
¼ tsp cinnamon
½ tsp ground coriander seeds
½ tsp turmeric
400g can chopped tomatoes
400g can kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1 tbsp tomato paste
hot sauce, to taste
salt and pepper, to season
8 tortillas
1 cup tasty cheese
guacamole, extra hot sauce and sour cream, to serve

Method
Heat a lug of olive oil in a large frying pan over medium heat. Sweat the onion and garlic for a couple of minutes before adding the chicken and cooking, stirring occasionally, for about five minutes. Add the capsicum and the shit tonne of spices and cook for a minute to release the flavours before stirring in the tin tomatoes and kidney beans, tomato paste and hot sauce. Season to taste and bring to the boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer, half covered and stirring occasionally, for about ten minutes.

Preheat the oven 180°C.

Once the mixture is ready, get out a large baking dish – one you’d use for lasagne etc. – and layer out your tortillas. Place about a half a cup of mixture on the middle of the tortilla, tightly roll up and place into the pan. Repeat the process until the tortillas are gone and the pan burst with deliciousness.

Pour any remaining meat mixture over the top of the enchiladas, top with the cheese and bake for about half an hour, or until golden, bubbly and moreish.

Allow to rest for ten minutes before devouring, slathered in gauc, hot sauce and sour cream.

 

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Huevans Rancheros Jones

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Breakfast

Previously on Survivor, Des was grumpy and irritated his way out of hearts and the tribe, before Saanapu ended their reign and went to tribal where the intelligence officer lacked intel and became the first blindside/second boot of the season.

We opened up with the sad Saanapu’s and a burnt out fire, where Kween Kylie (trademark pending) was disappointed to be out of the loop after Pete – wanting to be the Osten Taylor of  – was kept in the game against his wishes.

Not to be outdone, Pete was also heartbroken to still be there but quoted Probst and said he would dig deep – queue Holly Hoffman redemption arc, hopefully, in two episodes time.

Aka Tuesday – talk about post-a-palooza this week.

Again, they opted to go with another of my Survivor wet dreams – the poisoned chalice idol clue which has led to the downfall of many – on the outs, Kylie and male-HH went with deceit, as did Aganoa, though they one-upped them by giving us the visual of a clue going into an underwear model’s jocks while Vavau also went with dishonesty but in a potentially intelligent manner, admitting there was a clue…but lying about it.

While nobody bought the poorly constructed rhyme that had Dr Seuss turning in his grave, I am sad I never came up with that option, to be honest. Well, if it had worked.

Let’s return to Rohan dropping the clue from his junk, which Mr G found without sniffing it for man musk, #epicfail. Despite the fizzle of the deceit, choices make drama so I’m still putting this down as a win.

Plus we found definitive proof that in the High School ecosystem that English teachers are better than drama teachers.

We returned to the Aganoa where Mr G ostracised El by showing her the junk clue, who they approached the mutineers straight away to discuss the issue. Being far more social, they easily won El back. At this point can we all just accept that drama teachers are really difficult people to deal with? Thanks.

At this point I also am concerned about the welfare of Kat and Kristie. Are they safe? Are they still in the game? Did I black out and miss a week in which they were booted back to back? BRING BACK MY GIRLS!

And just as it came to me, lil Jojo listened to my plea and gave a proof of life of Kat and Kristie at the reward challenge where Vavau dominated the competition and the missing girls returned to a camp without luxury. Will the Resort Report spokesmodel survive the indignity? Hopefully.

We quickly checked in with our victors where Craig sadly commenced his pride cometh before the fall edit. While I assume they are good tonight, I’d back them going to tribal tomorrow and that has nothing to do with the fact I was on location during filming so literally know the entire outcome.

Anywho, we returned to Saanapu where Kween Kylie felt she proved her worth before the most sickening – not in a good way – stretch of television focusing on a phallocentric object ever filled.

I mean, the pus in that sea cucumber? Foul.

Meanwhile in Aganoa – where Kat returned to the scene briefly to become this episode’s decoy boot before the immunity challenge where – despite a thrilling comeback – Aganoa were given their return papers to tribal council.

After a period of back and forth between Evan and Kat, Phoebe worked her way into my (now) dream final four by forming what I hope will become the Australian black widow brigade and sent Mr G to loser lodge.

I know I’ve been hard on Mr G but after meeting on opposing sides of the 2012 school spectacular challenge, friendship was never going to come easily for us. Thankfully I’m so kind and mature that I could still offer my frenemy a nice comforting Huevans Rancheros Jones to dull the pain of being the third boot.

 

huevans-rancheros-jones-1

 

I oft speak of my love for food so spicy that my innards liquify and more importantly, I like a bit of spice to work through the copious amounts of alcohol I’ve been consuming in the crew villas. So obviously this delight really fits the bill by packing a punch – hot, spicy and all together soothing, it helps Evan work through his pain and me my burgeoning drinking problem. Enjoy!

 

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Huevans Rancheros Jones
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
200g dried chorizo, diced
1 onion, diced
1 yellow capsicum, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, minced
800g canned diced tomatoes
1 tbsp chopped chipotles in adobo
¼ cup coriander, roughly chopped
1 tsp salt
8 large eggs
8 tortillas
refried beans, obviously from a can as I didn’t have time to make any in my luxury digs
2 avocados, mashed
1 green chilli, sliced to garnish

Method
Heat a large frying pan over high heat and fry the chorizo for a few minutes. When the pan is full of beautifully smoky oil, add the onion, capsicum and garlic and fry for a further few minutes. Reduce the heat to medium, add the tomatoes and chipotles and bring to a simmer.

Crack the eggs into the tomato liquid, reduce heat to low, cover and simmer for 5-10 minutes or until the eggs are delicately poached.

While the eggs are cooking, heat the tortillas in the microwave, heat the refried beans in a small saucepan over low heat (or the microwave, whatever) and mash the avocados.

To serve, add a generous ladle of sauce with two eggs, top with beans, avocado, coriander and some chopped fresh chillis. To devour, scoop it all into a tortilla and revel in the spicy joy. You could add sour cream, which I always usually love, but wouldn’t you rather experience the full force of the heat?

 

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Condoleezza Rice and Beans

Side, Snack

What a day to catch up with Condy! Despite our different political views, joining together to watch Hillary become the first woman secure to a major party’s presidential nomination in the US was so exciting for feminist, political scientists like us.

As you know, Condoleezza and I first connected in university and have stayed in close contact ever since. Yes, GBJ is the worst but that shouldn’t take away from the brilliant mind and kind heart that Condy possesses.

I haven’t shared much about my past in politics but amongst my stints in rehab, the arrests and my fluctuating periods of fame, I became a fierce political animal and have been involved in all major political decisions in the US, the EU, Canada and the Cook Islands in the past three decades, in an advisory or dictatorial capacity.

But a great political mind like mine can’t do it alone and that is where Condy and I work so well together, discussing the issues and generally being dominant bosses.

I hadn’t seen Condy since the email scandal broke – full disclosure, I told Hizza to use her personal email AND dob in Condy and Colly – and was a bit nervous about how my betrayal would be received.

I was also very nervous as I hadn’t brushed up on my Russian and that is the only language we communicate in. Again, like bosses.

Thankfully I had nothing to worry about with Condy giving me the warmest of embraces when she arrived, so excited to watch the results roll in / discuss War and Peace, again / devour a bowl of our college era favourite, Condoleezza Rice & Beans.

 

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Being a poor student, you have to get creative with your meals if you want to eat well. I had just come off a stint coaching the Jamaican bobsled team to victory – yes, I inspired Cool Runnings – when I connected with Condy, so I was very into creole flavours.

The rice and beans are brought together with the silkiness of the coconut milk and the sharp kick of spices. Condoleecious!

 

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Condoleezza Rice & Beans
Serves: 2 pals, or 4-6 as a side.

Ingredients
400ml coconut milk
1 jalapeno, finely sliced
3 spring onions, sliced
2 tsp salt
1 tbsp creole spice (who doesn’t trust Emeril?)
4 garlic cloves, crushed
3 sprigs thyme, leaves removed
1½ cups brown rice, rinsed, drained
400g kidney beans, rinsed, drained
lime, quartered to garnish and taste

Method
Place coconut milk in a large saucepan with a cup of water, the chilli, spring onions and salt, and bring to the boil.

Add the creole spice, garlic, thyme leaves, rice and kidney beans, cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes or until the rice is tender.

Remove from the heat, season with a whack of pepper and squeeze of lime and devour.

Or serve it with … well that is another catch-up for another time.

 

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Brian Austin Green Curry

Donna Martin graduates, Main, Vegetarian

Like David Silver, Brian Austin Green is an under-appreciated talent in the Hills. I mean, who else married Megan Fox slashed worked with the future Cersei Lannister (a character who I continue to argue is a product of the patriarchal society in which she lives/is a feminist icon)?

I first met Bri in the 80s when we both worked on Knot’s Landing and joined Nicolette Sheridan’s entourage of young, brunette male cheerleaders. I was working as a writer/fight choreographer at the time and I was blown away by his immense … talent.

Again, I don’t mean to gloat … but as you probably guessed, I also got Bri the job at Bev Hills. Realistically, I think I am going to have to sue the estate of Aaron Spelling for unpaid wages as I was single-handedly responsible for casting all of the teenagers!

As you should be aware, Bri has been going through quite the difficult time with separating from Meg Fox but thankfully they had some exciting news that we were able to celebrate (while he attempted to help me get Annelie’s memory back) – yes, I’m going to be godfather to another Austin Green Fox spawn!

FYI my obnoxious Instagram is coming – game on Swifty!

It was such an honour to once again be asked to provide spiritual and moral guidance to one of his children (Vanessa Marcil blocked me taking on the role to his first child). And what better way to celebrating an upcoming birth slash militant support, than a Brian Austin Green Curry?

 

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I decided during my yogi dietician phase that vegetarianism was best for Bri – whether he is or not, I don’t care. Either way, whenever we catch-up I ensure that I’m serving up solely vegetarian meals to not let slip that I was strung out on bath salts during that phase of my life.

Thankfully this curry is so delicious, even a staunch meat eater (and who doesn’t love to eat some meat) would fall for its charms. The sweet pumpkin and coconut combination works perfectly with the kick of the curry, provided a delicate dish that hits all the right places. I know it goes without saying, but just like Bri!

Enjoy!

 

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Brian Austin Green Curry
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 tbsp coconut oil
300g firm tofu, drained and thickly sliced
270ml coconut milk
½ cup water
3 tbsp green curry paste
700g kent pumpkin, deseeded and cut into large pieces
250g beans, topped and halved
3 tbsp muscovado sugar
juice of a fresh lime
brown rice, to serve
fresh coriander leaves, to serve
roasted cashews, roughly chopped, to serve

Method
Heat the oil in a large frying pan over medium heat. When as hot as the handle on the door when Kelly and misc D-character-to-horribly-disfigure got stuck in the bathroom during a fire at a house party, add the tofu and cook for a couple of minutes until golden. Remove to a plate.

Add the curry paste and the coconut milk, stirring, and cook for a minute or two. Add the pumpkin and the water and give a good stir to combine. Reduce the heat, cover and cook for about 10 minutes, or until the pumpkin is tender.

Stir through the beans and sugar, cover and cook for a further couple of minutes, until they are bright, crisp and perfectly cooked.

Remove from the heat and stir through the tofu and lime juice, season and allow to rest for a couple of minutes.

Serve on a bed of rice and garnish with coriander and cashews.

 

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Pasta alla Jenovese Garth

Donna Martin graduates, Main, Pasta

I know you’re never meant to have favourite children, but Kelly Taylor / Jennie Garth is mine. Oh, FYI I am the Mrs Garrett of the 90210-ers.

I mean sure, Torz grew up with a wrapping room, Luke is hot, Jace is dreamy, Ian was a stripper, BAG bagged himself Megan Fox, Gabrielle Cataractis was 100 and you should respect your elders and Shannen Doherty would kick the shit out of me for saying it, but Jennie was always the one I related to the best.

I first connected with her in the late 80s when we both auditioned for Saved by the Bell. While I nailed (the chemistry test with) Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Jen and I were bonded after being robbed by Tiffy T for the role of Kelly Kapowski.

Seeing the bright talent she was, I contacted Azzy and asked him to create a better Kelly on his then in development show 90210. Again, you’re welcome. For those keeping score this is two from two stars I recruited to the show. I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet, but I was very skilled at being Azzy’s right hand … but again, I’ve digressed and I don’t want to make things smutty.

Jen and I were as thick as thieves on set – some say she felt like she owed me, others that I threatened her into joining my squad like a 90s T-Swiz – and she always had my back when Annelie and I were feuding / throwing acid at each other.

It has been a busy few years for Jen and I, so we haven’t been able to catch-up as often as we like. Can you believe I haven’t seen her since her wedding last year … where I was Maid of Honour?

We spent the catch-up chatting and giggling like school girls and completely forgot that we were meant to be sharing the graduation of Donna Martin to trigger Annelie’s memory. Maybe she is never meant to get it back? I don’t know. All I know is that my Pasta alla Jenovese Garth makes everything feel ok.

 

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This meal is the perfect balance of fresh and hearty … and fits in with the strange dietary requirements of a toddler – EVERYTHING MUST BE THE ONE COLOUR. Or maybe that is just my nieces and nephews? I’ve been too successful with my Diva coaching, shantay you stay in my heart kids.

I’ve digressed.

The lemon and basil work together to make the veggies sing. And then add cheese? You know I’m in heaven.

Enjoy!

 

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Pasta alla Jenovese Garth
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
¼ – ⅓ cup Toni Basil Pesto (you can replace parmesan for pecorino)
200g cream delight potatoes
500g tagliatelle
1 big handful fine green beans, topped, tailed and halved
100g pecorino cheese, grated
basil leaves

Method
Bring a large pan of water to the boil.

Thinly slice the potatoes in half and then into very thin half-moons – as Jackie Taylor, I assume, would tell you, thin is in.

Add some salt to the boiling water and add the pasta, cooking as per packing instructions.

When there is about three minutes left, add the beans and potatoes and cook until the pasta is al dente and the veggies are cooked … but still have a bit of bite. Drain, reserving a little of the cooking water.

Return the pasta and veggies to the pan, off the heat, and stir through the pesto. If the pasta is too claggy, stir through some of the cooking water to loosen the sauce. Season to taste, serve and top with pecorino and any extra basil leaves.

You can also trade out the beans with halved brussels sprouts and add a whack of dried chilli if you want. It tastes pretty amazing, FYI.

 

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