Patrick Boltontufo

Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Alan and his crazy eyes were concerned about a potential power couple forming on the heroes tribe while Cole helped Joe find an idol over at the healers, likely spelling trouble for one of them in the future. Which one it is, is anyone’s guess. Meanwhile Simone and Patrick were on the outs at the hustlers, and despite Patrick’s questionable tribal council performance was saved, sending Simone out of the game.

The next day Ryan channelled Australian Survivor’s Luke and gave a fashion parade while wearing the clothes Simone left behind. With Ali and Lauren away from camp, Ryan and Patrick started to talk about who to target with the consensus being that Lauren is next. On the flipside, Lauren and Ali caught up in the ocean while Lauren tried to find a crack in the alliance. Devon then joined them and she turned the conversation to Patrick’s questionable statement at tribal council and floated the idea of getting rid of him. Despite Ali being aligned with Patrick, she was starting to get concerned that his mouth could be detrimental in the future leaving her confused about what to do if they head back to tribal.

Which they totally will, right?

Over at the heroes Ben and Chrissy were looking for options to snatch the majority, by way of deciding on their next potential target. While Alan and JP are totally ripped, they decided that Ashley’s work ethic is too much of an asset, so one of the boys is toast if necessary. We then watched Alan struggle with a coconut for a minute, while Ashley lusted over JP exited the ocean with something on the end of his spear. Which FYI, she described as a good size. For what it’s worth, Ashley is over Alan’s unpredictability and went to Ben to talk about who they should target. While she had valid points, her constantly going into bat for JP made Ben more nervous.

Meanwhile the healers were still loving life since they haven’t lost a challenge. Well, everyone but Joe that is, who was extremely concerned about Cole knowing about his idol. Speaking of Cole, his idol and 29 year old virgin Jessica were fishing and sunning them self while strategising and falling in love. I think, I was distracted by the adorable way Cole sat while giving confessionals and the glorious sight of his nips. I mean, you could eat dinner of dem nips.

He then told her about Joe finding the idol and I’m nervous that I’m about to lose my fantasy tableware. She then kissed him on the cheek and I now hate Jessica.

Back at the hustlers Patrick openly started looking for the idol while everyone sat by the fire, making everyone feel nervous and distrustful. He then filled us in about his moving company, which would explain that booty. Ali gave their alliance one last shot, pulling him aside and telling him to cut the searching and try and form actual bonds with their tribe mates.

There were issues over at the healers where Joe had taken to tossing food away when people didn’t cook it to his liking, rightfully pissing everyone off. As such, Cole and Jessica decided it would be a good idea to flush the idol and Joe, to knock him down a peg … and out of the game. Much to Jessica’s chagrin, he then told Roark – who we’re yet to really meet – and Desi about the idol, and blindsiding Joe if they lose immunity.

Like candyman that was the third mention of immunity so Jiffy Pop appeared for said immunity challenge – and reward for chickens for first, a dozen eggs for second – where the tribes were required to run through an obstacle course before knocking blocks off a ledge and then building said blocks into a tower. The heroes got out to an early lead, while the healers and hustlers were neck and neck. The healers took the lead after the second obstacle, followed closely by the heroes while Patrick refused to let any of the hustlers attempt throwing at the blocks. The healers thought they had the victory, though forgot one of their blocks giving the heroes enough time to snatch immunity and the chickens before Jessica was thrown up again to snag immunity and the eggs, sending the hustlers back to tribal council.

Lauren lay the blame squarely on Patrick’s shoulders – is that a thing, or has Jericho’s win rubbed off on me – and got to work turning anyone and everyone against him. Patrick however, was not concerned, feeling like he was more in with the tribe. Lauren then went for a walk while Ali, Devon and Ryan assured Patrick it was going to be her tonight. Wanting to make her last afternoon comfortable, Patrick then went to Lauren – who can’t stand him – on the beach to talk it out and see if she was ok. She then asked point blank, if he was targeting her tonight which he denied, though wouldn’t offer up a secondary target. Infuriated, Lauren approached Ali and Ryan to continue her campaign against Patrick. While she offended Ryan, he seemed onboard, taking the information back to Devon to try and figure out who they side with and form the majority – Patrick who choked at the last challenge or Lauren who is steady, though a liability.

At tribal Lauren was quick to lay the blame for their loss with Patrick and pointed out that they need to function as a team, then called him son, shut him up and won my heart forever. While Ali wanted to move forward, Lauren went back and threw out that Patrick has spent his first week hunting for an idol further proving he was playing alone. She then mentioned not trusting redheads, upsetting my fetish, though continued to school him and crack sassy jokes, so was able to win me back. Ryan was like a kid watching his parents fight, Devon was hoping the vote would fix their tribal chemistry and Patrick spoke about his ability to win people over, despite not being able to win over Lauren. Which Ali pointed out, putting the final nail in his coffin.

He however welcomed said criticisms and wanted to learn from them, though sadly they weren’t willing to give him that chance as he was sent to my loving, loving arms at loser lodge. I’ve known Pat and his bubble-butt for a couple of years after hiring his moving company to help me relocate my summer house. Given my thirst is real, I sat on the lawn and reenacted Samantha watching her neighbour have sex in the Sex and the City movie while he twerked – in my mind – and somehow, we became the best of friends. Though maybe it had something to do with the way I coated him face in sticky, sweet and salty cream … in the form of my Patrick Boltontufo.

 

 

The kick of coffee, mixed with the delicate choc-chip works perfectly with the salty caramel and earthy nuts to create the ultimate dessert. If only Cole was in loser lodge to use as a plate …

Enjoy!

 

 

Patrick Boltontufo
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
4 cups Cophie Clarke Ice Cream, softened
4 cups chocolate chip ice cream, softened
½ batch JL Salkeld Caramel
⅔ cup roasted hazelnuts, roughly chopped

Method
Line an 8-hole Texan muffin pan with cling wrap – hopefully more neatly than I did – and scoop half a cup of one of the ice creams into the bottom of the pan and place in the freezer to chill for half an hour.

Combine the salted caramel and hazelnuts in a bowl, remove the muffin pan from the freezer and place a dollop of the hazelnut-caramel mixture in the middle. Top with the other flavour of ice cream, cover and return to the freezer for a couple of hours, or until set.

Once set, serve and devour.

 

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Apple Cinnamone Nguyen Waffles

Baking, Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Jeffy Pop and 18 brand new castaways returned to our screens, I assume concerned by my growing … passion for JLP and Locky’s buns. And boy did they work overtime! The healers tribe served up a feud between Faux-ny and the peen-doctor who I think is called Mike, while the hustlers were not in fact prostitutes though Patrick could totally slip his bolt in me – his last name is bolt, keep up. Oh and the very dapper Ryan found a one-night only super idol that he had to give away if his tribe won immunity, which they did. Meanwhile the heroes were where it was at as Alan went nuts about the idol, forcing JP to get his out to prove he wasn’t hiding an idol anywhere, while Chrissy kept a hold on the super idol as Olympian Katrina exited the game as the first boot.

Back at camp Chrissy was happy about all the drama that unfolded at tribal council, highlighting some big cracks in the four man alliance. In addition to the crack JP had to show Alan to prove he was idol-less. Alan then spoke about how awful and intense tribal council was, despite being the one to cause it, though was glad about the fact he highlighted a crack in his alliance. I think? Ashley, thankfully, saw it as a bad thing, though I don’t see how she can get herself out of the mess with Ben looking to make a move away from the ‘core four’ which lasted sub four days.

Meanwhile over at the hustlers camp, Simone was on struggle street which is exactly how I’d feel if I were playing the game. On the flipside, Ryan and Devon were still going strong and it truly is an alliance I can get behind. Speaking of behinds, Simone was thrilled to have taken an aqua-dump, and announced it to the tribe before complaining about the outdoors which is not a great idea. Bless her though, she offered to clean out the fish and prove she was willing to try. She and Ali then went for a walk to the well where a power-player emerged in Ali, who was busy making a connection by giving Simone a pep talk … so she can use her later in the game.

Finally we arrived at the healers tribe which is actually called Soko for those playing at home. Whatever name they go by isn’t the point though, we have a showmance forming between Cole and Jessica … if he can get past how old she is at 30! Desi then spoke about being a beauty queen, while Fauxny started to soften his stance on Mike though continued to tell everyone he thought he had the idol, whilst trying to find the idol for himself. Fauxny aka Joe then found an idol clue though couldn’t figure it out, so instead took it to Cole to see if he could make sense of it which he did in sub five seconds. He then gloated about helping Joe find the idol like it wasn’t a bone-headed decision to do that, rather than swipe it for himself.

Back at Levu – *coughs* heroes – we were treated to some glorious, though tragically clothed, bun action from JP while he caught a lobster. He then complained about being called out as a power couple the night before as he wasn’t getting any of the fringe benefits of that coupledom. He then went for a walk with Chrissy where he tried to downplay his alliance with Ashley and she commenced analysing everyone on the tribe to see who best to align with. Like Goldilocks, JP was too dumb, Ashley was too shifty, Alan was too crazy, but thankfully Ben is just right – his charm, meshing perfectly with her strategic side.

Over at camp Yawa, Devon’s calm yoga session was interrupted by Patrick’s fear of crabs which brought out his wild banshee side. He then continued to grate on Lauren, and while I agree that his Australian accent was annoying, his buns were thick … and glorious. Feeling on the outs as the oldest member of the tribe, Lauren got to work connecting with the Queen of the Hustlers Ali. The latter was concerned that Lauren wasn’t loving Patrick, given they were aligned … though did agree he was kind of annoying.

Dem cakes though.

Jeff finally appeared for the next immunity challenge – and reward for fishing gear – requiring three members of each tribe to swim out, dive underwater and maneuver puzzle pieces to the end of a cage before bringing them to a platform where the remaining castaways completed a sign-puzzle. The hustlers got out to an early lead followed closely by the heroes, with the healers stuck in last place. Devon continued to extend the hustlers’ lead, getting the third well ahead of the others. The heroes got their third bundle of puzzle pieces as the hustlers made it to the puzzle pontoon, where we were again treated to some glorious Patrick buns. The healers eventually closed the gap, dominating the puzzle and taking out immunity. The heroes and hustlers started to panic, with the heroes also overtaking the hustlers to take out immunity.

The hustlers did as their tribe designation suggests and got to work hustlin’, with Simone apologising for stuffing up the puzzle, anxious that she would be voted out. Seeing that Lauren was irritated by Patrick, she took Lauren and Ali for a walk to float the idea of getting him out of the game. While that was happening, Patrick spoke to Ryan and Devon about getting rid of Simone putting Ali firmly in the middle. She then went to Ryan to try and decide what the best move is, debating the merits of getting rid of Simone or Patrick. Ryan then decided that Patrick’s unpredictability was a detriment, and started to think that maybe Simone was the better option, despite not doing much around camp or being good in challenges.

At tribal council Ryan threw some shade at Jeff, likening tribal to being forced into a child’s birthday party for that kid you don’t like. Ali spoke about the importance of keeping the right person, not just for the tribe but her/their game/s. Patrick wanted to keep the tribe strong and Simone wanted to keep the tribe strong in the loyalty sense, while Patrick spoke about trusting most of the people in attendance … freaking everyone out. He then tried his hardest to backpedal, though earnt a lot of eye rolls from Lauren in the process. Thankfully Simone reiterated how much she hated nature before saying she wants to stay, which was less convincing to the tribe and she quickly found herself becoming the second boot.

As you can probably guess from the countless universities I scammed into believing I was a lawyer, I met my girl Simone while working together at the Asian American Bar Association of New York. I was also pulling some Rachel Dolezal levels of scamming at the time, which also shouldn’t be a shock. Despite my journey at the association ending in a similar manner to Rach’s at NAACP, Simone and I kept in touch and I mentored her before the show. Tragically the pre-Survivor training didn’t seem to work, though once again she didn’t hold it against me when she arrived at loser lodge. Though my Apple Cinnamone Nguyen Waffles probs had something to do with that.

 

 

Spicy and sweet, crunchy and melt in your mouth – these waffles are perfection. Particularly for someone that just suffered the crushing pain of becoming the second boot after – gasp – living in the wilderness for six days WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING.

Enjoy!

 

 

Apple Cinnamone Nguyen Waffles
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1 ¼ cup flour
½ tsp salt
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp baking powder
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
2 eggs
1 cup milk
¼ cup butter, melted, plus extra for cooking
2 apples, peeled, grated and squeezed of excess liquid

Method
Combine the dry ingredients in a large bowl and whisk the eggs, milk and melted butter together in a jug.

Combine the wet and dry ingredients, stir until smooth before folding through the apples.

Heat a waffle iron over medium heat.

Melt some butter into the waffle iron to grease, scoop the batter into the waffle iron and close. Cook for a couple of minutes per side, remove and repeat. Then devour.

 

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Heroes, healing me by hustlin’ my muscle

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers

Good news! Australian Survivor may be but a few weeks away from leaving our screens, but Probst and Co. are back for another round of the glorious mothership.

I mean, sure, this season may have one of the top three worst titles, but it does also boast a cast of super fans, interesting people and a bevy of total babes – boys, please follow Locky’s lead – so my hopes are extremely high.

Side note: could you imagine how much fun Probst would have with some ball puns with some balls out?

Anyway, buckle in and join us tomorrow as we recap the episode and catch-up with the newest member of the Francesquoitch Hogi first boot club!

Image source: Robert Voets/CBS.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.