Mayo

Justriacha Mayo

Condiment, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul's Drag Race UK 4, Sauce, TV, TV Recap

While the UK has undergone a lot of turmoil in the last few weeks, Ru, Michelle, Alan and Graham are thankfully back to provide a sense of stability. Kind of like how one Liz came into power just as one was taken from us to keep a state of equilibrium, which I’m not not saying was deliberate. Thankfully as a King has ascended, the Beeb is keeping us fed by unleashing 12 new queens on the Werk Room, starting with the iconic Danny Beard giving leather daddy realness, but make it clown. And well, I love her so. She was joined by Baby and given she gives off big Tayce energy, I LOVE her. Pixie Polite arrived adorbs, charming and old school and I live for everything about her.

If she survives the Brighton curse, obvi.

Sminty Drop arrived giving space-twink sex pot and well, maybe twinks are my thing because she is so gorgeous. More importantly, she is Gothy’s granddaughter and well, I live. Starlet arrived giving old glam and looking like Gothy and Krystal’s love child, so you KNOW she will be Ru’s fave. Jonbers Blonde arrived and stole my damn heart, giving sex AND Disney villain. And yeah, BRB, I’m drippin’. Black Peppa arrived and hot damn, while Jonbers may have my loins, Peppa has my heart. She is an icon, she is the moment, she is PERFECTION.

The world’s foremost Ginger Spice impersonator Just May – aka Alan Carr does Geri – arrived and well, I love her and how adorable she is. Or sad, if you trust Danny’s take. Dakota Schiffer arrived serving trans icon and you KNOW she is going to be the vintage fashion queen based on her Sharon Tate playboy bunny references. Copper Topp was next up and was a natural redhead, willing to teabag, so yeah, I’m into it all. Le Fil shot into the Werk Room and well, I love her; energetic, sassy and SO damn silly. And she went to school with the DDC, so you know she is going to serve it. Potentially in a silver dress and a red wig. And I DO think. Rounding out the cast though was Cheddar Gorgeous, the absolute icon and well, the dolls are quivering because this is like Bianca walking into Season 6.

I mean, everyone sat around and gushed about how she inspired them to start drag and push themselves. And well, it was glorious.

Ru finally dropped by to meet her new daughters, promptly whipping out the Brit Crew – ugh, I can’t breathe – for a Spice Girls London 2012 entrance photoshoot. Obviously Just May was up first, giving all the Geri and well, I LIVE. Particularly since Geri does Rachel Griffiths in Muriel’s Wedding. Sminty Drop was all model, Danny was perfection, Jonbers was silly and sexy in equal measure, Dakota was ethereal and beautiful while Baby looked like a drowned rat, having the best time. Copper was living her best life, Peppa looked like she was living her best life with Tyra on ANTM, Pixie was charming as all hell, Le Fil was a hairy delight, Starlet was enjoying herself despite the rains and Cheddar was 100% professional – obviously. There could only be one winner though, and that was Peppa – again, obviously – because she is a star and I love everything about her.

Before departing Ru announced that for their first Maxi Challenge, the dolls would have to serve two looks on the runway. They’d kick things off with the Keeping It 100 runway in honour of the Beeb’s 100th anniversary, while their second look – Ru Are You? – would show the judges their signature drag. In front of guest judge, my dear friend Joanna Lumley, no less!  With that, Ru exited as the dolls fought to find their place in the Werk Room and unpack, with Dakota in particular scared of being in the competition with the iconic Danny and Cheddar. Peppa meanwhile was thrilled that her BBC runway is amazing and as such, she was ready for another slay. As they took off their make-up, Le Fil and Just May bonded over their insecurities and hearing how Just May can’t see how beautiful she is breaks my heart. 

Because. She. Is.

Elimination Day arrived as the dolls were giddy to stomp their very first runways, though were also a little nervous about potentially being the one to go home. Copper, Starlet and Sminty caught up, talking about their BBC runway inspos which ranged from Ab Fab to Antiques Roadshow and ugh, this is going to be good. The dolls meanwhile realised Peppa was going to be serving Blobby which led to her calling out Danny for being one note and well, I live for it all. 

Ru, Michelle and Graham were joined by an oh so perfect Joanna as Cheddar opened the BBC Keeping It 100 as the literal test card, giving black and white, with a little rainbow clown and well, I loved it all. Jonbers served Blue Peter and well, sink me Jonbers. Le Fil gave full on Pudsey Bear, but make it model, Sminty was a glamorous antique lamp in honour of the roadshow while Baby was hilarious yet sexy as Rastamouse. Dakota was the sexiest Anne Boleyn from Horrible Histories, Danny was a sexy latex Mr Blobby, Just May gave the literal bust from Eastenders, Copper gave Julie Waters in the two soups sketch, Starlet gave Patsy in FRONT of Patsy while Pixie was glorious as Del Boy, aka an extra from the Matilda movie. Oh and then Black Peppa gave sexy Mr Blobby, making it better AND more club kid. And explaining her shady banter with Danny.

Cheddar kicked off the Ru Are You runway as a sexy deity Mad Max extra, but make it mediaeval. Jonbers was perfect as a sporty leather dame, this time with GB colours, Le Fil was a sexy red delight, Sminty was all leg, with a side of Marie Antoinette, Baby was a red, street-puff delight before Dakota gave theatre curtains, but make it model. Danny was a shimmering, shiny architectural delight, Just May was the literal personification of va-va-voom, Copper was a ginger billboard with a message, Starlet went full fairy, Pixie gave rainbow over the pier while Peppa once again demolished as a literal wrapped chocolate, despite the fact her headpiece fell off mid-stomp.

Cheddar, Jonbers, Le Fil, Baby, Danny and Pixie were sent to untuck backstage before they heaped Sminty with all the praise for giving two differing, completely polished looks. Dakota was read for clearly being nervous, despite looking absolutely stunning. Just May was praised for being stupid and funny, despite not really giving much polish, just moisturiser. Copper was praised for her polish, though was read for being a little one note. Starlet was perfection from start to finish, which is what all the judges told her before Peppa received universal praise, but even better. The better Blobby and then complete chocolate fashion, literally. Oh and then she broke down about how happy she was to be sharing herself and well, crown her already, ok?

Backstage the dolls were thrilled to be safe, none more so than Pixie who finally broke the Brighton curse. While Danny was thrilled to make it through, she admitted to the girls she hides behind her confidence because she was absolutely bricking it. The tops and bottoms returned with Dakota sure it would be her lip syncing up against Copper, heartbroken to not slay when she expected herself to. Copper too was heartbroken, while Just May opened up about how she is so nervous when out of her comfort zone. Though was hopeful her personality would carry her through. While Peppa was just super proud of herself. As she should be.

Ultimately Sminty was deemed safe, followed by Starlet leaving Black Peppa to rightly take out the very first win of the season before Copper narrowly avoided the bottom thanks to her message. Which left a gagged Just May to battle it out against Dakota to Mabel’s Let Them Know. And well, Dakota was simply not willing to be the first one to go, giving all the attitude and hitting every lyric. Just May was campy, cute and so much fun, but Dakota just pulled all the attention, in all the right ways. Which was enough to keep her in the competition, tragically at the cost of sweet Just May who became the Porkchop – sorry, Gothy – of the season.

Backstage I was, how do you say, a little bit intense, pulling Just May in for a hug and holding her by the face and telling her through gritted teeth how beautiful she is and how I need her to start seeing even half of what others see. Because she is so talented, charming, funny and a little bit silly, which is everything that makes her AND Geri great. Thankfully she wasn’t too freaked out by that, as we quickly became the fastest of friends and sat down to toast her future success with a shot of Justriacha Mayo.

I love mayo and I love sriracha, so it really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that sriracha mayo is one of my favourite condiments. Secondly only to wasabi mayo, but I digress. Sweet, creamy and packing a punch, this is perfect with pretty much everything. Even the post-boot blues.

Enjoy!

Justriacha Mayo
Makes: 1 cup.

Ingredients
1 cup Shayonnaise Swain
¼ cup sriracha
1 lemon, zested and juiced
1 garlic clove, finely grated
kosher salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Combine the mayo, sriracha, lemon zest and juice and garlic in a bowl, and season with salt and pepper.

Then down in shots, or with dumplings, sushi, on a sandwich, with chips. I could go on, so just use your judgement, ok?


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Shayonnaise Swain

Condiment, Sauce, Survivor NZ: Nicaragua, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor New Zealand, Shay and Tom buried the hatchet before Shay quickly unburied it, played dirty and tried to get him. They then all got dirty in a very sensual, muddy challenge which led to Tom winning over Barb whilst sharing Avi’s reward before returning to watch Shannon permanently eliminate herself from redemption.

Jak and Mike returned to redemption island, shocked to still be in the game on no man’s land. They then threw some shade at Shannon and were generally a bit obnoxious. Meanwhile back in the actual game, the tribe were feeling bad for Shannon’s loss and were being nice about the boy’s skills … though they all admitted to not caring for either of their returns.

Oh and Tom has decided Shay needs to go as Shannon has already promised to vote for her if she makes it to final tribal. I honestly can’t keep up with those two.

Nate and Shay took a leaf out of Barb’s book and discussed strategy and the threat Tom and Avi’s relationship poses – particularly given the potential returnees – all whilst reclining. Avi broke up the plotting and tried to reaffirm his alliance with Shay but did admit that Tom is having doubts her.

Shay then did the rounds, sidling up to Barb and her nemesis Tom to see where their heads were at and try and place a target on anyone but her. Less than a minute later, Tom floated getting rid of Shay with Nate and Avi, which the latter was not onboard with at all. Though he really had no option given no one trusts her, nor wants her around.

Nate then got word that Shay spoke about him being homesick and decided she was hoping people would boot him for that, despite the fact we all know that he’d go to redemption … and then the jury and could not possibly go home before the end of the game anyway. So yeah, I’m not actually buying that it’s a nefarious plot.

Wanting to get in on the action Matt returned for the next immunity challenge, involving beams, poles and balls, which is right up my alley. Despite starting strong and throwing the kitchen sink at it, Avi was first out of the challenge. Shay and Tom miraculously survived the second round of the challenge before Nate and Shay quickly dropped out when moving to the last section, followed by Barb, handed Tom his fourth immunity in a row, firmly painting a target on his back.

Back at camp the tribe were chatting about the challenge before out of nowhere, Avi took off running down the beach for no reason. He returned later and downplayed his minor breakdown before Tom pulled him aside to continue trying to turn him against Shay. Meanwhile Nate talked about getting rid of Avi given his likeability and the fact that anyone would beat Shay.

Avi continued to try and save Shay but TBH, it seemed more like lip service given the fact he didn’t really talk to anyone else about saving her. Nate floated an Avi blindside with Barb and while she seemed open to the idea, was ultimately non-committal. Which she confirmed by running straight back to Avi.

Meanwhile on redemption, Jak continued to tell unfunny jokes while he and Mike speculated who would be joining them that night.

Back at camp Nate and Avi went for a walk to where Nate quickly covered his tracks, telling Avi that he tested Barb’s loyalty for him. While Avi didn’t buy it at all, it was a nice try. Barb filled Tom in on what was going down, which made Tom annoyed by Nate. Tom then quickly tried to convince Avi that getting rid of Shay was still the best idea before heading off to tribal.

At tribal, Matt made quick work of making Nate cry by reminding him about the game. He then asked Avi about flipping and set him up for a massive case of the guilts. Avi said he felt it was important not to turn on your own, before Nate pointing out they’ve already had to do that in the game and Shay mentioned that she has a clear conscience and isn’t responsible for sending anyone to the jury … and reconfirmed how much she trusts Avi.

But it turns out she shouldn’t as Avi joined the rest of the tribe to vote her out of the game, again. While she was clearly bummed, she told her tribemates there were no hard feelings … until she got to redemption island that is, where she joined Jak and Mike to talk smack about Avi. Who Mike is still referring to as RV.

The next day at camp Avi continued to go full Blanche Dubois, having dreams about abandonment whilst realising he is now taking after the villainous Shannon … who is only a villain to herself and a passive aggressive Mike. At the other end of the spectrum, Tom was loving life with Shay out of the game and Barb Marley – who is now the last surviving female and really wants to win an immunity – appearing thrice daily.

Avi then started to foreshadow his downfall talking about how shocked and betrayed he would feel to be voted out next, which is how Shay felt when he flipped on her last night.

Back on redemption Shay explained that despite him flipping on her last night, she was working Jak and Mike overtime to help save Avi if they return by painting him as a non-threat.

After a brief interlude of Tom and Avi discussing how to play Mike if/when he returns, Matt returned to the screen for a paired off reward challenge for nuts. NUTS. I mean, I love we some nut but damn, on day 33 I’d want a fucking steak. Anyway, there was some kind of noughts and crosses style game for an island pick and mix, which Avi and Nate quickly took out thanks to an early mistake from Tom. But again, it was just for nuts … so who really cares.

Thankfully for Avi, it meant they were able to take their full sacks of nuts to a secluded section of the beach to bond and see where things go. Sadly Avi wasn’t able to lock in Nate’s trust or talk any strategy, so instead he reclined and tried to win him over with his masculine wiles.

Upon returning to camp, the final four (now) joined together on the shore to watch the sunrise and start black-market crab racing. After her crab turned out to be a rock, Barb reaffirmed her commitment to giving up on the game to focus on getting Avi and Tom to the final three … when she is by far the best remaining winner.

Talk once again turned to redemption island and the potential returnees, with Barb coaching Avi on how to win the game and the best way forwards depending on who comes back. Avi then joined Tom who made it obvious he was far more deserving of taking out the victory, given he actually seems to understand the game.

Finally we got a reprieve from all the talk, with the redemption island dwellers destroying the place on their way out to the battle … expecting it to be the last, which it clearly is not. Oh my, the fucking lols. Before we get to see their hilarious reactions when they realise they have to return to their mess, Shay, Mike and Jak competed in the Crystal Cox memorial challenge where they have to keep to poles balanced between the back of their hands and a beam.

Despite going better than stripped Olympic medalist Crystal Cox, Shay wasn’t able to outlast the boys and found herself out of the game, for realsies. While the boys were more heartbroken to discover they’d be going back to their destroyed camp and not returning to the game, yet.

While I had to explain to Shay that she wouldn’t be able to call her husband and smash any brownies after being eliminated, she was ok with the booby prize – my Shayonnaise Swain.

 

 

I mean, sure, mayo is a condiment and not a meal on its own. But when has that ever bothered me? Plus … it is pretty delicious, so shotting it isn’t that far outside the realm of possibility.

Enjoy!

 

 

Shayonnaise Swain
Makes: 1 cup(ish).

Ingredients
1 egg yolk
2 tsp lemon juice
1 tsp champagne vinegar
1 tsp Dijon mustard
salt and pepper, to taste
¾ cup canola oil

Method
Combine everything but the oil in a small bowl and whisk to combine.

Either whisking by hand, using a stick blender or the whisk attachment of a stand mixer – the latter being my preference – constantly whisk the mixture, while slowing adding the oil, allowing it to come together before adding more oil. Continue whisk on medium until the mayo has come together and it thick and glorious.

Cover and chill for a few hours before devouring … within two days. I feel it is too icky to keep it any longer.

 

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Chicken Ellen Barkin and Cheese Burger

Burgers, Main, Party Food, Snack

Where do I start with my girl Ellen Barkin? I know I shouldn’t have favourite characters within my favourite movie, but Annette Atkins is an icon and she even inspired my life’s mantra, once a carnie, always a carnie. Sure it doesn’t make sense if you don’t know I have a carnie fetish … but I guess I just told you? Blame The Simpsons.

Anyway, I’m now well off track.

I first met El in the early ‘80s while visiting my boy Steve Guttenberg on the set of Diner. While I was too busy obsessing over the divine Kevin Bacon, to form a lasting relationship with El, we reconnected on the set of Sea of Love – I was visiting Al Pacino – and our friendship was finally able to blossom.

When it came time to cast the role of Annette in Drop Dead Gorgeous, I knew that El was the only person I could trust. While she was a little hesitant to have a beer-can fused to her hand for half a movie, I was quickly able to win her over … and the results truly are beautiful.

She has been super busy with season 2 of Animal Kingdom lately, but jumped at the opportunity to celebrate her crowning cinematic achievement and witness my told-you-so- dance in all its glory.

Given how much I love her and how much I love burgers, my dinner choice was clear – my delightful Chicken Ellen Barkin and Cheese Burger!

 

 

Shamelessly inspired by the greatest thing on the KFC menu – well, outside of the Zinger Bacon and Cheese – this burger fills me with unending joy. Fresh, zingy, crisp fried chicken, bacon, cheese and a shit tonne of mayo and lettuce? You had me at zingy.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chicken Ellen Barkin and Cheese Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 chicken breasts, halved into bun sized fillets
½ mix of Farrahed Moan Chicken spice mix
8 rashers streaky bacon
4 slices high melt cheese
1-2 cups iceberg lettuce, roughly chopped
¼ mayonnaise

Method
Prepare the chicken breast fillets as per the Farrahed Moan Chicken Recipe until crispy and glorious.

Fry the bacon in a skillet over medium heat, until crisp.

To make the burgers, half the buns, slather the base with mayo, top with lettuce, bacon, cheese and chicken fillets. Then, obvi, devour.

 

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Bahn Michaela Bradshaw

Main, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

In the words of the great, wise Brandi Glanville – fuck you, fuck this, fuck that, fuck him, fuck you, fuck off.

I know, I should be telling you about what happened previously on Survivor, like how five of the first six women were minority women, Hannah had a panic attack, Taylor lost his in-game snuggle bunny, Ken was absolutely banging and Michaela was absolutely beasting the competition … but fuck this.

Seriously.

Not only did we suffer the pain of losing the final minority female cast member, said female was Michaela who was and forever will be my Queen … second only to Sandra Diaz-Twine.

Sure Taylor handled Adam screwing he and Figgy over with a lot more maturity and game awareness than I was expecting.

And yes David and Zeke confirmed their scrappy, underdog alliance.

But Michaela singlehandedly one her seventeenth challenge – behind Vanua, thanks to Chris’ beast 2.0 performance – after throwing out a bye Felecia about Figgy’s departure. Hell, I am so upset I can’t even bring myself to comment on how beautiful Ken looked glistening from the water, shooting hoops during the challenge.

The Vanua tribe may have enjoyed one of my favourite kind of rewards, where locals come to cook for tribe and they in turn repulse everyone by farting and burping. I guess it was an attempt at humour, knowing that Jay was about to crush our souls.

Either way, I’ll stop my sob story to say pray for Michelle as she suffers through bodily Chernobyl.

Over at Takali, Taylor continued to play beyond what I assumed was his capacity and worked over Jessica and Kengel. Or maybe he was looking to start a relationship with Kengel and his open shirt.

We then checked in with Ikabula, reminding me of the agony coming at the end of the episode. Thankfully Hannah started to win me back after her post-Mari faux-pas, trying to turn the tribe on Bret after she interrogated him on his career and immediately picked up on the fact that he is a cop.

It what feels like only moments after reward, Jiffy Pop arrived for to lord over the fateful immunity challenge involving a whole bunch of ball play, weighing down heavy sacks and shooting your load – of sacks – at a target. Normally this would be my favourite thing to write about … but I’m different now, knowing what Ikabula’s loss means.

I mean, even Kengel almost knocking out Adam while avoiding him to hug Taylor couldn’t make me smile.

Back at camp Ikabula had a moment of silence for my loss, before Sunday finally broke rank to start scrambling with Bret while Michaela rallied the kids to lay out their path to the final four. Sadly Queen Michaela’s strategic leadership spooked – rightfully – Jay, who pulled the young James Earl Jones impersonator aside and commenced the march to her doom and my pain.

For Jay it was a great move … for now at least – he got rid of arguably the biggest physical threat just before the merge, he made a huge play he can reference if he makes it to the end – particularly given he boldly told Michaela he had flipped while Jeff tallied the votes – and he saved Sunday and Bret which could become loyal numbers to repay the debt.

And he didn’t get killed by Michaela after her very dramatic blindside … although it would have been better if she had attempted to light his low-rent Joe Anglim locks on fire.

But, you know, choices.

None of that however changes the fact that Survivor lost an angel last night, in the form of sweet, feisty, Michaela – who I met at college and quickly befriended as I needed someone to keep me in line – and life will forevermore be broken down by the time before Michaela was voted out and after. The latter being a bleak time where nothing matters anymore. If only there was a way she could change her game fate …

On another season perhaps …

She was obviously not very happy to be blindsided from the game just before the merge but took comfort in a hearty Bahn Michaela Bradshaw, and the knowledge that she is the star of Millennials vs. Gen X.

 

bahn-michaela-bradshaw-1

 

Like our fallen angel, these sandy-j’s – maybe I shouldn’t bring up Jay right now – are full of flavour and plenty of heat. I mean, if a sandwich was ever going to dominate you in a winning fashion, this is it! Hot, sour, sweet and fresh – it is everything Michaela used to change the game.

Enjoy!

 

bahn-michaela-bradshaw-2

 

Bahn Michaela Bradshaw
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 Vietnamese baguettes or crusty white bread rolls
½ cup rice vinegar
½ cup raw caster sugar
sea salt
3 large carrots, peeled and grated shredded
500g minced pork
3 tbsp muscovado sugar
2 tbsp fish sauce
2 tbsp soy sauce
lemongrass stalk, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 tbsp chilli paste
pork liver pâté, to taste
mayonnaise, to taste
1 large Lebanese cucumber, quartered lengthwise and deseeded
handful coriander
2 shallots, finely sliced
sliced bird’s eye chilli, to serve

Method
Start with picklin’ your carrots by combining the vinegar and sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat and stir until the sugar has dissolved. Pour into a small bowl, grate in the carrots, add two teaspoons of salt and stir to combine. Leave to steep for an hour or two, drain and refrigerate.

Preheat to the oven to 180°C.

While the carrots are chilling like Michaela wasn’t on her way out, combine the pork in a bowl with a teaspoon of salt, muscovado sugar, fish and soy sauces, lemongrass, garlic and chilli paste and mix well to combine.

Form the meat into 6 sausage shaped pieces of meat, place on a lined baking sheet and bake for fifteen minutes, or until browned and just cooked through. Remove from heat and set aside.

To assemble, split the baguettes in half and slather one side with mayo and the other with pâté – and by slather, to your taste. Top with some pickled carrot, cucumber, pork and some coriander, shallot and chilli to taste.

Devour … being careful to avoid the fiery rather of the bird’s eyes / Michaela.

 

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Karmaagi Takasushi

Main, Party Food, Poultry, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X

Previously on Survivor, Figgy was gettin’ jiggy and David was scared of literally everything, not least of all Figgy – I assume – before the Gen Xers took too many shortcuts in life and were sent to tribal council where poor Rachel Ako became the winner of the prestigious Francesca Hogi first boot award.

We arrived back at the hard-working shortcut taking Gen Xers where Chris delighted in tell us he was keeping David busy to avoid him becoming paranoid. Sadly for Chris, while keeping bust David started fire and found the first hidden immunity idol of the season – now trapped inside a coconut!

At the risk of sounding like Fabio 2.0 aka Taylor, how on earth did it even get in there? Nah gammin, relax guys, I saw the seam.

Speaking of Taylor, we checked in with the Millennials where the superior Tay-Tay and Figgy popped on their love goggles and made out, re-introducing us to the star of the season Michaela. After a killer confessional dropping truth bombs, Michaela then threw them straight under the bus much to the chagrin of Figgy. Do you think they know what chagrin means? Probs not.

Anyway, the freaks and geeks alliance were pretty pissed about the situation while #JayForPay wiped Romber from our collective memory by decreeing no couple has ever survived to the end. Aside from the lack of knowledge regarding Survivor history, Jay seems to know what he is doing and called out Taylor’s behaviour.

We finally checked in with my angel Ken, who will now be known as Kengel forevermore, who was rocking his tight, tight jocks in the ocean, making me as wet as he was. Then wait, seriously wait, THEN, Ken and David bonded and formed my favourite alliance of all time, named, coincidentally, after my favourite movie The Hottie and the Nottie.

Millennials Mari then explained the difference between TV and real life, which seems to be more of an issue for the professional gamer than other people. Thankfully Queen Michaela then returned to start fighting with Figgy – which sounds like an amazing TV show, Fighting with Figgy – while doing an amazing Matthew von Ertfelda impersonation with the axe.

Back on Gen X Ken and David recruited CeCe before Paul decided to continue in the tradition of Kaôh Rōng and have a medical emergency. Thankfully – well to all watching but David – Paul hadn’t had a heart attack and lives to see another day.

We then reconvened in the middle of a fucking reef for the next immunity challenge, can we just have the rest of the seasons set in Fiji for the killer cinematography and crystal clear water?

Can we also have Hannah sit out of every challenge to co-commentate with Probst?

Probst, “Chris ripping through the water.”

Hannah, “Michelle you’re ripping through the water too!”

Comedy gold! Anyway, the tribes continued looking for that ring – which I hope is a game Kengel is willing to play when he arrives at #Pounderosa – before Gen X, well technically just Kengel came from behind – you know where this aside would go – and won immunity, thrilling all but David who had his head in his hands.

Back at camp the millennials commenced scrambling, with Mari proving that she doesn’t have the greatest understanding of Survivor saying that Figgy would be blindside without even knowing.

Mari, the definition of a blindside is voting someone out without them knowing. This is a tautology.

Zeke then proclaimed his excitement to start booting people, meaning only one thing – we are in for a blindside despite the freaks and geeks locking the vote on Figgy with numbers to spare!

Adam and Zeke spilled the tea to Jay which was the catalyst for all hell breaking loose. Jay ran to Michelle and they showed impressive form clearing the air between Figgy and Michaela before pulling in the latter and Will to flip the vote on Mari.

Not one to rest on her laurels, Michelle continued her assault after arriving at tribal … where the millennials were completely in awe of the horror that is about to unfold in front of them. Mari was sad to be losing someone, Zeke was thrilled to be part of the game, Michaela spilled even more tea while Michelle continued to dominate, telling Hannah to change her vote to Mari without zero explanation. Hannah then teetered on the edge of a nervous breakdown, before having a conversation – not about puppies or butts as Mari said, but about booting Mari.

The tribe then voted where Hannah spent such a long time in the voting booth that Jeff had to peek around the corner to see if she had voted, as if he were watching Colby in the shower.

As the votes rolled in, my dear friend Mari indeed became the second boot and found herself in my arms at loser lodge to debrief over a plate of Karmaagi Takasushi. Obviously I know Mari through the pro-gaming scene, where I am really good at completing Mario themed games – and only Mario themed games – after reading the walkthroughs on nerd sites.

 

karmaagi-takasushi-1

 

Yes, Mari was salty – like nori fresh out of the ocean salty – after being voted out. As she explained at tribal, ended someone’s dream and being able to look into their eyes doing it is a lot tougher than through a screen like she is used to.

Now while it appears that my recipes may be as racially insensitive this season as the tribes that made a minority female their first boots, this and Korean BBQ worked with their names AND I find them delicious, so try and forgive the accidental, casual racism?

Plus, sushi is delicious, particularly karaage with some soothing cucumber or avocado and a hidden kick of wasabi. Enjoy!

 

karmaagi-takasushi-2

 

Karmaagi Takasushi
Serves: 8-10.

Ingredients
500g chicken thigh fillets, cut into a large dice
60ml soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
thumb sized piece of ginger, grated
pinch of sugar
½ cup potato or corn flour
pinch of salt
vegetable oil
2 cups sushi rice
¼ cup sushi vinegar
10 sheets nori
1 cucumber, halved lengthways, seeded and cut into matchsticks
1 avocado, halved and thinly sliced
Wasabi, to taste
kewpie mayo, to serve
pickled ginger, to serve

Method
Combine the chicken, soy, sake, ginger and sugar in a bowl. Stir well, cover with cling and place in the fridge to marinate for a couple of hours.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

While they are getting all snowboard and chill, combine the flour and salt in a bowl. Add the chicken, piece by piece using tongs and quickly toss them around to coat.

Heat a large skillet over high heat with a generous lug of vegetable oil. Once it is searingly hot, add a couple of pieces of chicken and seal the meat for a couple of minutes. Remove to a lined baking sheet and repeat the process until they are all done.

Pour over the remaining marinade and put in the oven to bake for 10-20 minutes until crisped and cooked through. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

Meanwhile, rinse the rice under cold water until it runs clear. Place the rice in a large saucepan with 3 cups of cold water and bring to the boil. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 15 minutes.

Remove from the heat and stand, covered, for five minutes.

Move the bowl to a large bowl and stir through the sushi vinegar and allow to cool.

Now, round up all the elements and, most importantly, a bamboo mat. Place the nori shiny side down on the bamboo mat and spread a thin layer of rice over the nori leaving a couple of centimetres clear at the end.

Add your fixins’, pieces of chicken, cucumber, avo, wasabi in whatever combination you like – I just put all four in all of mine.

Lift the edge of the bamboo mat closest to you and roll away, tightly. As you’re about to get to the end, brush the clear part of the nori with water before finishing rolling. Press the seam together and allow to rest while you repeat the process until it is all done.

Once they are done, slice into pieces – I went two-three per roll – with a wet knife.

Then, obviously, devour slathered in wasabi, kewpie mayo, pickled ginger and/or soy.

 

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Carrie Fisher’n’Chips

Main, Seafood

Oh my goodness – my stomach is in agony! No i’m not into some odd masturbatory technique, I just haven’t stopped laughing for the last 24 hours.

It was such a treat to have Carrie over and reenact a good / funny version of SaTC with the part of New York dutifully played by my kitchen / television.

As you know, we met in rehab and were bonded instantly due the fact we were both poised to be celebrated writers and we had complex relationships with our Hollywood mothers. While my issues stemmed from the fact that I was generally running a scam at their expense, Carrie grew up in the limelight of the Reynolds-Fisher dynasty and drama which gave her a very different childhood … and me a reason to befriend her to get to Debs to form an alliance against Liz.

Obviously she stole two of her husbands from me … but that is another story for another time.

So back on track, I quickly ingratiated myself with the Reynolds-Fishers (often despite Caz’s better judgement) and have been a confidante to Caz ever since, filling each other’s lives with so much joy and laughter.

I can’t say enough about how beautiful and close our friendship is.

As I mentioned and I’m sure Star TrekWars fans would be aware, Caz just wrapped on the latest movie and was completely pooped so relished the opportunity to pull up a seat next to me in our twin recliners and make sassy, forced, attention grabbing statements about the semi-clad swimmers who were dutifully flooding our basements.

To get us in the mood – or to be more accurate, out of it – I whipped up a batch of her favourite / my famous Carrie Fisher’n’Chips.

 

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I assume I’ve mentioned it ad nauseam, if not, I fucking hate seafood. Hate it. I mean, they live in their filth (even though someone rightfully argued that they live in a purifying saline solution). Anyway, Carrie loves a good ole Fish and Chips and given that she just wrapped her time in London, I had to make something to help her acclimate back into the real world.

With that, I went heavy with the chilli, lemon and lime to drown the flavour of fish and served it with crispy chips and a delightful harissa mayo that had me *shudder* liking seafood.

Enjoy!

 

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Carrie Fisher’n’Chips
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
8 pieces of hoki portions (I hate seafood, of course I’m going to buy pre-portioned)
2 eggs, whisked
1 cup plain flour
2 cups panko breadcrumbs
¼ cup flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
1 tbsp chilli flakes
zest of one lime
vegetable oil
One serve of the chips from Friza Minnelli … I don’t think the Dolognese would help the chips

Harissa mayo
1 clove of garlic, finely minced
3 tbsp mayonnaise
4 tsp harissa paste
1 ½ tsp rose water

Tartare
1 cup mayonnaise
zest of one lemon
2 tsp capers, drained, finely chopped
2 gherkins, finely chopped
2 tbsp flat-leaf parsley, chopped

Method
Probs make a start on the chips first. Then when they are in the oven, whisk the eggs in a shallow bowl, the flour in a second shallow bowl and combine the breadcrumbs, parsley, chilli and lime in the third shallow bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper.

Dry the hoki pieces with some paper towel. Working piece by piece, coat the fish in the flour, dip in the egg and coat in the crumb. Rest on a plate and continue until they are all sorted.

Heat a good lug of vegetable oil in a large frying pan over medium heat, when it is nice and hot reduce the heat to low and fry two pieces at a time, 4-5 minutes per side. Remove to some paper towel and repeat until the fish is sorted.

Turn off the oven when the chips are done and place the fish on the lower shelf to keep warm while you quickly whip up the sauces … which are super easy. Place all the ingredients in separate bowls – obviously – and stir to combine.

Serve up the fish and chips with a fat dollop of the sauces and the cut up zested citrus. Devour.

 

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Lisa Curry Salmon Slice

Main, Seafood

Like a swim in the ocean or the Commonwealth Games pool, catching up with Lisa has the ability to instantly lift you and help clear everything out of your head. I guess that is why I became so reliant on her in the periods I’ve been in recovery.

Lisa has always had a maternal care for me and has been quick to give me the unequivocal support I crave from everyone, even when I’ve given her shonky business advice and caused an incident at Underwater World in the early 90s that inspired the Jurassic Park and Jaws franchises, as well as the film Deep Blue Sea.

That kind of support is enough to earn her the place as my third-best Sunshine Coast mother-figure.

Now full disclosure, I hate seafood. It is the absolute worst. I think it is because one day they are living in their filth and the next are being served on a plate. To quote the egregiously Academy Award snubbed (I am not joking) Drop Dead Gorgeous, “Don’t ever eat nothin’ that can carry its house around with it. Who knows the last time it’s been cleaned.”

But I’ve digressed.

Lisa has spent a lot of time in the ocean, so I assume she has either built up immunity to their filth or she has an iron gut. Either way, I had to go with a nod to her aquatic prowess by serving up my Lisa Curry Salmon Slice.

 

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I may hate seafood, but this kitsch 80s beauty is one aquatic meal I can stomach. Be it the curry, the cheese, the pastry or the memory of drowning it in ketchup until I could stomach it at five years old, there is something about this meal that is soothing and delicious.

In that so bad it’s good kinda way – enjoy!

 

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Lisa Curry Salmon Slice
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
220g pink salmon, drained
1 small onion, finely chopped
½ cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon chopped fresh chives
1 carrot, grated
1 tablespoon curry powder
½ cup cheddar cheese
2 sheets ready rolled puff pastry
1 egg, beaten

Method
Combine all ingredients, except pastry and egg, in large bowl and mix well.

Cut pastry sheets in half. Place 2 of the 4 halves on an oven tray. Place salmon mixture on pastry, leaving 2cm border. Fold remaining pastry in half lengthways. Cut through folded edge of pastry at an angle, at 1cm intervals, stopping 2cm in from the edge.

Brush edges of pastry on oven tray with egg, carefully unfold cut pastry, place over salmon filling. Press edges of pastry together with a fork. Brush top with remaining egg. Bake in moderate oven for about 25 minutes or until pastry is puffed and well browned.

Serve with steamed veggies … because that is better for you and Lisa wants you to remember that. Bless.

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