Vanua

Adamaretto Klein Sour

Drink, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, seventeen castaways got the chop leaving Hannah and Ken to face the jury with Adam who managed to snag all ten votes and snatch the crown – sorry, wrong show – claim the title of sole survivor.

While I am very defensive and proud of Hannah’s game, Adam’s was better and he joined the ranks of the Sandra Diaz-Twine Winner’s Circle – aside, how fucking amazing is it that Sandra is coming back for her third title? – after playing an adaptable game, ensuring he was never the biggest threat and that he stepped back from being in control when necessary.

It was a low-key dominant game and like Kristie in Australian Survivor, shows that 16 years watching the – at the risk of sounding like Fishbach and his echo, Zeke – evolution of the game prepared him to expect the unexpected and keep open to anything.

My only real criticism is his propensity to scream his confessionals, which scared me. But I mean, that should have only cost him three jury votes max.

As we are such close friends – we met when he was Regional Director for the Students for Barack Obama campaign in 2008 … as I was working in the Obama campaign, as you know – I told him that, he apologise profusely and I deemed that he was still worthy for his celebratory Adamaretto Klein Sour.

 

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As a fuctioning alcoholic – probably – I believe that there is no better way to celebrate victory and life than with booze. And there is no better booze than a sweet and – obviously – sour, amaretto sour.

Sadly for Adam his victory ended on a bittersweet note with his dear mother, and fellow Survivor super-fan, passing away an hour after his return. If you’d like to hear more about her story and support Adam’s efforts to raise money for cancer research visit Stand Up to Cancer … or if you like a reward for your good deeds, Planet Buff.

Then toast to a game well won and life well lived – enjoy!

 

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Adamaretto Sour Klein
Makes: 1.

Ingredients
60ml amaretto
30ml lemon juice
dash of bitters
dash of soda water (as I’m scared of egg whites)
maraschino cherry and slice of lemon, to garnish

Method
Combine the liquids in a glass over ice. Drizzle. Garnish. Down.

And repeat. Always repeat.

 

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Hannah Shapiravioli

Main, Pasta, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, the jury convened to berate, question and congratulate the final three before casting their votes, none of which went to our co-runner-up and my future lover Kengel or my dear friend Hannah Shapiro.

While Hannah wasn’t rewarded with any votes by the jury, I was firmly buying everything she was selling during final tribal council. Yes, Adam was successful in convincing the jury that her moves were simply blunders … but they were only blunders in respect to her game.

She made it to final tribal and took risks – like leaving David in until the final four and trusting Kengel to turn on him – eliminated people that she thought would be final three fodder and convinced people to risk their game – Adam included – to save her.

So while she wasn’t able to secure any votes, she played an underrated game and I couldn’t be more proud to call her my dearest friend.

I’ve known Han for a few years now, after meeting in college while studying Professor Dawson’s Survivor course – the student became the master, it seems. After graduating I put her in touch with some comedy contacts I met through my besties Tina and Amy, and she has had the honour of working with Second City, Groundlings and Upright Citizens Brigade.

Anyway, while she was disappointed to not take out the title – or any votes – I was able to turn her around with a quick pep talk and a generous serving of my Hannah Shapiravioli.

 

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It is time for your favourite part, where I liken her game to the dish!

But in all seriousness, Hannah was a soft, gentle soul, that was packed with a punch – deep down – and was able to take over the game without noticing.

Plus – who doesn’t love pumpkin, spinach and ricotta? Enjoy!

 

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Hannah Shapiravioli
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
600g butternut pumpkin, diced
lug of olive oil
4 cloves garlic, minced
60g pancetta, cut into thin strips
800g tinned chopped tomatoes
½ cup basil, finely chopped
2 sprigs thyme
⅓ cup verjuice
1 tbsp sugar
salt and pepper, to taste
500g fresh ricotta
250g frozen chopped spinach, defrosted and drained
60 gow gee wrappers

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Place the pumpkin on a baking sheet with a lug of oil, toss to coat and bake for about half an hour, or until golden, sweet and soft. Remove and leave to rest while you get to work on the sauce.

Heat a lug of oil in a large frying pan and sweat the garlic for a minute or two. Add the pancetta and fry for a further five minutes. Add in the tomatoes, herbs, verjuice, sugar and a generous whack of salt and pepper. Reduce heat to low and simmer for about 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove from the heat while you get er’rything sorted.

Get a large pot of salted water on the boil and combine the ricotta and spinach in a large bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper.

Lay out half the gow gee wrappers and divide the cooled pumpkin amongst the pastry, and divide the cheesy spinach on top of the pumpkin.

Brush the dough with water and top with a second wrapper, sealing each parcel to ensure no air is trapped.

When they’re all done, place all the ravioli in the boiling water and cook until they have risen to the top. It should be no more than ten minutes. Drain and add the ravioli to the sauce and return to a low heat for five minutes.

Serve immediately and cover generously with parmesan. Devour, obviously.

 

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Pidavid Wright

Bread, Main, Party Food, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Hannah made what appeared to be a boneheaded move by booting Bret in fifth place, rather than David. But maybe it wasn’t, or it was. Let’s continue …

Back at camp Adam, quite rightly, was shocked by Hannah and Kengel’s loyalty to David.

Wanting a redux of their first tribal aftermath, Hannah and Adam went to discuss the vote with Hannah actually making a logical argument that she couldn’t lose David and upset Ken and leave herself a path to final tribal. Oh and Adam was far more eager to listen to her explanation this time, despite disagreeing with her.

Wanting to burn through the final boot, Jeff arrived for this season’s final immunity challenge which required the castaways to guide plates through a vertical maze using a long, hard pole, before stacking the most plates on the top of the maze at the end of 30 minutes.

Oh and of course the maze wobbles.

Ken took the lead in stacking the most bowls, with Adam simply trying to outlast Ken and hope that his plates would all drop. Which they did. Sadly Adam’s plates quickly followed, as did Hannah and David as everyone started again.

Hannah and Ken then took the lead, while Adam tried to wait them out again, which sadly didn’t work and the pair finished the half hour tied. Kengel and Hannah then had a five minute tiebreaker where Kengel took out an early lead and never looked back, securing final immunity.

Again, how babin’ did Ken look getting that necklace? And more importantly … who can believe Hannah almost won final immunity?

Back at camp David gloated about Ken’s loyalty, while Hannah and Adam joined together to plot how they could convince Ken to turn on David, despite said loyalty. Hannah then went to work on swaying Ken, explaining to him that the jury don’t respect them and that leaving David in the game would simply confirm that, in their eyes.

With them busy, David told Adam that the easiest way for him to move forward was to campaign against Hannah. Thankfully Adam pulled on his big-boy pants and told David that if he wasn’t booted that night, Adam loses anyway, so why not try and make a move.

We then arrived at tribal where Jeff reminded us of all of Hannah’s foibles – including her glorious seventeen hour vote at the first tribal – to congratulate her on coming so close to winning final immunity. Adam then tried to explain how big of a threat David is, to which David agreed. Ken then brought up loyalty, Adam brought up the need to make a smart decision to win for your family with which Ken agreed.

Proving his superiority over Australian Survivor’s single father stud, Ken made the best possible move he could – for everyone … bar David – and as he sent David out of the game as the final member of the jury.

I met Dave while working as a screenwriter for Malcolm in the Middle and quickly rode his coattails over to Family Guy before being fired amidst scandal and inevitably inspired the character of Roger on American Dad! Dave being Dave kept in touch and tried to help me sort my life out, more than earning his comforting Pidavid Wright.

 

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The pide is the culinary version of David’s Survivor experience – it started out with a soft, delicate dough that made way for a fiery, dominant filling which leaves you salivating and wanting more, despite not winning.

That is a bit of a stretch, isn’t it?

 

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Pidavid Wright
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 tbsp dry yeast
1 cup milk, warmed to 30C
1 tsp raw caster sugar
1 tsp salt
3 tbsp vegetable oil
3 cups flour
lug of olive oil
6 garlic cloves, minced
500g minced lamb
6 roma tomatoes, diced
2 tbsp tomato paste
1 tbsp sumac
1 tsp paprika
1 tbsp dried chilli flakes
¼ cup tahini
1 lemon, juiced
⅓ cup pine nuts, toasted
handful chopped flat-leaf parsley
4 eggs
handful of feta

Method
Combine yeast, milk, sugar, salt and vegetable oil in the bowl of a stand mixer and knead on medium for about ten minutes, or until smooth.

Transfer to an oiled bowl, cover and allow to prove for an hour. Knock back the dough, split into four, cover again and leave to prove for a further hour or so.

While the dough is proving, get to work on the filling by heating a lug of oil in a large pan over medium heat and sweat the garlic for a few minutes. Add the lamb and brown for a few minutes, breaking up with the back of a wooden spoon as you go.

Add the tomatoes and spices and cook for a further couple of minutes before adding the tahini, lemon juice, pine nuts and parsley. Stir to combine and remove from the heat.

Once the dough has proven itself, roll each piece into an oval shape. Fill each with some filling, leaving a couple of centimetre border around the edges. Pinch the ends together to form a boat shape and bring up the edges. Top with a cracked egg and some crumbled feta, and bake for about 20 minutes, or until golden.

Leave to rest for five minutes and devour. I slather it with natural yoghurt but that is just how I roll, you know? You do you.

 

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Jay Strawbrett Ice Cream

Dessert, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, Sweets

Previously on Survivor, two groups of castaways were marooned in Fiji in the midst of a cyclone for the worst titled season possible. Thankfully the millennials were droned onto the beach to set off Jeff’s season long arc of generational stereotyping.

That make absolutely no sense. But anyway, I still love Jeff.

Thankfully mother nature was annoyed by the aforementioned stereotyping too and took Jeff out with a wave to knock some sense into him.

I can’t really tell you what happened beyond that though as there was literally only music playing for the first two minutes of the recap in Australia … but let’s remember – since fallen comrades is dead – Rachel, Mari, Paul, Lucy, CeCe, Figgy, Michaela, Michelle, Taylor, Chris, Jessica, Zeke, Will and Sunday were booted, leaving us with Hannah living my dream to be surrounded by five semi-naked men on a deserted island. With cameras.

We opened up back at camp with all but Jay gloating about their ability to flush out Jay’s idol. Hannah and Bret went aside for a pow-wow, disagreeing about whether allowing David to stay was the right decision … which let’s be honest, we won’t really know for another two hours.

Tipping the argument in Bret’s favour, David made himself busy by putting together a fake hidden immunity while everyone was sleeping. The next morning Jay went for a walk to find the new idol, which he did … at the same time as David. Thankfully for Jay, David was too slow getting back to the technicolour coconut.

Finally we checked in with Kengel where we finally learnt that the legacy advantage guaranteed him immunity at the next tribal council. Womp womp – what a let down.

Jiffy Pop returned to the screen for the first immunity challenge – with reward thrown in for good measure – of the episode. There was a pyramid and some ropes, a puzzle and some locks, and it all looked mighty confusing. Jay took an early lead … resulting in David, Hannah and Adam cheating on his puzzle.

There were some more obstacles followed by an extremely difficult hanging puzzle which resulted in an orgy of cheating before Jay dropped his puzzle allowing David take out individual immunity and a steak dinner, which Jay promptly stole … and chose to share with David and Adam which let’s be honest would be a pretty great final three.

Echoing my sentiment, Jay commenced wooing the boys to boot Bret at the next tribal and go as a strong three to final tribal. Meanwhile Bret tried to woo Hannah and Ken to stick together and boot Jay, promising him that there is no way Jay would have an immunity idol.

How wrong he is.

David went to discuss who to boot with Hannah and Adam, with Adam pushing for Jay and David for Bret. Hannah and David then pulled Jay aside to discuss the fact that Hannah is a maybe on keeping him, David is firmly in his corner and that Adam is still pushing to boot him. Jay – obviously – then went to Adam and laid it on as thick as possible to save himself.

We then arrived at tribal council where Bret and Jay campaigned for people to boot the other. Jay wasn’t taking any chances though and played his immunity idol … WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE A COMPLETE FAKE – genuine #blindside … or was I meant to have noticed David had hid the idol in the coconut?

Before I could laugh at Jeff throwing the fake into the fire, Ken then stood up and played his legacy advantage resulting in Jay becoming the fifteenth boot and eighth juror.

Jay was sad to have finally found his way out of the game but was proud of everything he achieved. He was also very thankful to see me, one of his closest friends – we met when he was an extra on Rock of Ages – waiting for him in Ponderosa with a generous serving of my Jay Strawbrett Ice Cream.

 

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Sweet, fruity and smooth, this ice cream is the only thing you could possibly need to dull the pain of losing on Survivor. Or 2016.

Enjoy!

 

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Jay Strawbrett Ice Cream
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
395g can sweetened condensed milk
2 cups double cream, cold
1 tsp vanilla bean paste
pinch maldon salt
500g frozen strawberries, thawed at room temperature for 10 minutes

Method
Whisk the condensed milk, double cream and vanilla paste together in a large bowl until it is firm, yet light and airy. Be careful not to over whip it – as that is yuck – but be mindful the strawberry will thin it out. Yay for pointless direction, right?

Meanwhile place the salt and strawberries in a food processor and blitz until they are broken into small-ish chunks, but that is more a personal preference rather than a command.

Unless you want it to be you sly dog.

Fold the strawberries through the whipped cream, transfer to a freezer safe tub – not that I think anything can’t go in the freezer, but JIC – and freeze for five or six hours before devouring.

It works beautifully in a Sundae Burquest too, FYI.

 

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Will Dahl

Main, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previous on Survivor, high school student Will was sick of everyone looking at him as being a child, so decided to flip the game and send Zeke to the jury to build his final tribal resume. Sure Kengel almost completely bungled the entire flip with his Australian Survivor-esque honour code … but thankfully his alliance has the brains.

But seriously guys, Ken can do whatever because he is bangin’ ok?

Anywho – we opened up back at camp where Will’s latest allies applauded his move … while his ex-allies seethed quietly. Lil’ Will then shared his plan to flip-flop his way through the game – which would have peaked my interest if it was Kengel – which you just know is going to end well.

Almost as if hearing my alluded prophecy, Bret and Sunday met up with Adam at the well to discuss the prospect of joining him, Hannah and Kengel to boot David, Jay and Will – the two biggest threats and the strategic question mark.

Not wanting to leave me waiting, Jiffy-Pop appeared for the first immunity challenge of the episode – you knew it was a double this week, right? To be completely honest I’m not sure what was really happening in the challenge – there was a pole, some discs, balancing, wires and some ropes – just that Jay dominated and Ken looked beautiful, but not like a doll.

Oh and to be clear, Jay won immunity and again, it wasn’t really close. At all.

Despite gloating that he doesn’t need to chat with the other bozos, Jay was pulled into the scrambling by Will who started rallying the troops to get rid of poor little David. David was obviously feeling insecure about this or maybe seeing Ken in his jocks, I’m not sure … I got distracted.

Fingernail painting emoji, amirite?

Adam opted to join the fray and approached Bret to turn on the kid playing the middle, echoing Aubry and Julia last season. While Bret and Sunday were completely onboard, Hannah was not as easily convinced knowing that she owes her life in the game to both Will and David.

So obviously it was at that moment that the tribe ventured to tribal where Will proudly spoke of his Ciera Eastin trademarked BIG MOOVEZ while throwing some Drag Race-esque shade. Not to be outdone, Adam then started to compliment the jurors as he also commenced working on those final tribal votes JIC.

Sadly for Will his work for nought as his found his way out of the game, once again proving the man in the middle of the road is oft run over. Thankfully I was on hand with a delicious albeit kinda healthy Will Dahl – my poor protege Will, being forced to eat all healthy like – to dull the pain over getting his dreams crushed by the big kids.

 

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Spicy, nourishing and altogether comforting, this dahl makes everything ok … from the inside out. Which is actually how i describe my relationship with Kengel … but i guess you’ll hear about that next week.

 

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Will Dahl
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
a good lug of olive oil
1 onion, finely diced
500g sweet potato, peeled and roughly diced
3 tomatoes, diced
3 cloves garlic, wait for it … wait for it, roughly chopped
1 tbsp chilli flakes
1 tbsp ginger, peeled and finely grated
2 tsp ground cumin
½ tsp ground turmeric
250g red lentils
generous handful of baby spinach
1 litre vegetable stock
handful fresh chopped coriander
natural yoghurt or raita, to serve

Method
Heat some oil in a large heavy-bottomed pan and sweat the onion for a couple of minutes. Add the sweet potato and cook for a further five minutes or so. Emphasis on so, obviously.

Add the tomatoes, garlic, ginger, chilli and spices and cook for a further few minutes. No so. Add the lentils, spinach and stock, season generously and bring to the boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 15 minutes or until the sweet potato is gorgeously soft and lentils child-approved mush. For Will’s sake (don’t tell the whipper snapper I said that).

Adjust the seasoning if required and devour, slathered in coriander and yoghurt, if you like.

You should like.

 

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Baked Zeki Smith

Main, Pasta, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, the Gen X war came to a head with Jess and Chris battling to stay, with Jess’ side winning the battle as Chris found his way out of the game. Sadly for Jess though, it was a double episode and despite the battle lines being redrawn between Zeke and David, with the votes deadlocked between Zeke and Hannah and Jess being rock-of-doomed out of the game.

It was brutal and sad and I’m still struggling to process it. Thankfully, however, it means that Ken is now the proud owner of the unknown Legacy Advantage.

We arrived back at camp where Hannah seemed to be experiencing the same levels of post-rock PTSD that I am. Although I guess she has the addition of guilt, and was there, so hers is probably more justifiable.

After Hannah calmed herself, David lamented his bad luck while Zeke rallied his troops for a very, very cocky display. But surely this episode won’t follow the saying win the battle, lose the war – right?

Probst opted to appear quickly – I assume concerned by my thirst as Kengel and his torso wandered around post Legacy Advantage – to announce it was time for the loved ones visit. So yep, now my face is as flooded as my basement.

I mean, seriously, how do you not cry hearing Adam ask about his sick mother … and then announce, through tears, that he couldn’t bare to use his advantage. Then Ken started talking about how he idolised his brother. And then Zeke’s dad saying he looked up to Zeke and that he was his hero – fuck.

FUCK – why am I showing human emotion?

Oh … and then they had a challenge where they were tethered to a rope and had to flip through an obstacle course. I couldn’t see through my damn tears but Jay took it out and moved by Adam’s promise not to steal the reward, opted to share it with him, Will and Sunday. Breaking my damn heart, again.

In return Adam gave him the reward steal advantage which is a great move considering the advantage is actually a huge disadvantage. And he still got to go on reward and get an update on his mother.

Again … my damn fucking heart. Honestly there is nothing to be said, seeing Adam breakdown was horrible particularly knowing that she sadly passed away after filming.

The next day David, Will and Adam quickly got our heads back in the game as Will decided he was sick of being treated like a kid – which technically, he is – and told them he wanted to make a move and flip to their side to send Zeke home.

Wanting to keep our spirits on the up and up, Probst quickly returned for the immunity challenge where they had to keep a tight grip on a firm rod to stop it penetrating a surface. While the fact that it sounds amazingly smutty would normally be enough, it forced Ken to tense his bare chest and torso – yes, it was a home fucking run. Despite the fact Adam took out immunity instead of my Kengel.

Back at camp Adam was feeling confident with immunity, his idol and the fact Will was looking to flip. Sensing David and Co’s serenity, Zeke started to get paranoid and decided to flip their vote from David to Ken.

Kengel and Will then sent for a pow-wow, much to Will’s annoyance – meaning Will, a child, is dead to me. Will then told Ken that Zeke’s group were now planning to vote him out, Ken then pulled Jay aside to confirm it was the case.

Then Will followed … and then Zeke … and then Sunday, before Will laid out all of his plans to build his resume.

Obviously that pissed off everyone – and firmed up Ken as an unlikely goat for the final three – leading to Hannah and David’s vote returning to the table with Ken and Zeke as we headed to tribal council.

Once there, James Earl Jones Jnr. called everyone out for their agism as the sides went back and forth appealing to him, to pick their side.

Thankfully – for Hannah, David, Ken and Adam at least – Will did decide to flip, rendering Adam’s (kinda)successfully played crotch idol (on the four Hannah votes, FYI) pointless – but hey, at least it drove home, really hard and deep, the phallocentric innuendo for the episode – sending my dear friend Zeke to Ponderosa.

I first met Zeke in 2014 after joining his gay, all-male improv group ‘Judith’ – given our passion for Survivor, friendship was inevitable and our best-friendship quickly blossomed. While he was super bummed to get the boot, he was thankful to see me there to cheer him up and run through the ways he could have changed his game up over a hearty Baked Zeki Smith.

 

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There is nothing more comforting than a baked ziti – particularly in the tropical heat – rich, spicy and slathered in cheese, it is the perfect way to pull you out of a post-boot depression.

Zeke thinks it is a culinary game changer – enjoy!

 

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Baked Zeki Smith
Serves: 8-12.

Ingredients
olive oil
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 onion, diced
500g Italian sausage, removed from casings
500g beef mince
4 x 400g cans crushed tomatoes
1 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried oregano
½ tsp ground sage
1 tbsp chilli flakes
salt and pepper, to taste
500g dried ziti (or penne if you’re stuck in Australia)
500g ricotta
500g mozzarella, grated
½ cup parmesan, grated
1 egg
handful fresh parsley and basil, roughly chopped

Method
Heat a good lug of olive oil in a large dutch oven over medium heat. Add garlic and onions and sweat for a couple of minutes, or until soft. Add the sausage and mince, and cook until browned. Drain of any excess fat – don’t be too particular about it as the glorious fat as the glorious flavour, said the future Biggest Loser contestant.

Add the tomatoes, herbs and a good whack of salt and pepper, reduce heat to low and simmer for about half an hour. Remove from the heat and ladle out a few cups of sauce to a large bowl to cool separately.

Preheat oven to 180°C and cook the pasta as per packet instructions, minus a minute or two – you want the pasta to be just al dente. Run it under cold water and allow to drain completely.

In a new bowl, mix the ricotta, most of the mozzarella, parmesan, egg and a whack of salt and pepper until just combined.

Add the pasta and removed tomato sauce  to the cheese mixture and stir thoroughly.

Add half the pasta to the bottom of a large baking dish, top with half the meat sauce, top with the remaining pasta … and then, you guessed it, top with the remaining meat sauce and sprinkle with mozzarella.

Chuck it in the oven and bake for 15 minutes, or until the cheese is bubbling and molten. Remove from the oven and allow to rest for ten minutes. Top with remaining herbs and devour.

 

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Chris Jamon and Pear Salad

Salad, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Probsty reminded us about all of the idols – ominous, no? – the olds started to talk smack about each other and Taylor tried to take Adam with him as he found his way out the door for stealing food.

Back at camp Adam got to work winning everyone back while Jay continued to throw him under the Kelley Wentworth memorial Dietz bus, before Jay – the hero who ate some of the stolen food – found and dug up the remaining loot. Giving zero fucks about the stolen food like the viewers at home, Chris and Bret went for a walk to reconfirm the fact they need to focus on getting rid of Jessica ASAP.

The next day Hannah and Ken sat together watching the sunrise which was strangely sweet, despite the fact the harpy was trying to steal my damn man. But honestly, so adorable and I’d ship that if Kengel and I weren’t dating.

Back at camp, Will and Zeke had a quick chat about the previous tribal council proving that James Earl Jones Jr. has some game. To further build trust between the two, Will told Zeke about Jay’s idol which set off what is arguably the greatest piece of editing in Survivor history as the information spread through the tribe one-by-one.

Seriously, fucking glorious.

Despite all the idol talk, Zeke and Chris are still planning to boot Jess … and are hoping to go one further and flush the idol in the process. Given that all happened in the first ten minutes, I don’t have much hope in that happening.

Wanting to challenge my inner pessimist, J-Pro arrived for the reward challenge – get it, challenge … the challenge. So many lols. After walking us through the challenge, David interrupted Probst to offer sitting out to avoid bringing the teams down. When everyone refused and encouraged him to have ago, he broke down to explain how nice it was to be accepted and supported.

All the damn feels. You’re crying, I’m not crying.

Despite the fact David’s swimming didn’t let the team down like he thought, his puzzle ability did as the purple team had a massive come from behind – sadly not a reference to Kengel and I – victory.

Hannah, Zeke, Adam and Sunday joined Bret the party guy at the floating pizza restaurant where Bret was just yolo-ing like he does on reward before the waiter surprised them with letters from home. Obviously poor Adam broke down speaking about his sick mother – again, I’m not crying, we’re all crying – finally winning him back after his irritating couple of episodes.

Back at camp Kengel and David continued their bromance with Ken checking in on David’s mental health, making sure that he was ok and proud of everything he had achieved in the game.

Swoon, Kengel. Swoon. Love heart eyes emoji.

After a quick strategy chat with Jess – where Kengel’s angels decided to target Chris – Probest reappeared for immunity which involved a lot of pole and keeping your idol up, with a pole? I’m not sure, but it was homoerotic.

Then ants started to walk on Ken, allowing the camera to pan over his beautiful torso – YAS YAS YAS. Thank you ants.

He quickly dropped out … then everyone else did until it was only Zeke and – wait for it … wait – David, the latter of who snatched immunity and completed a glorious half-episode redemption arc. And hopefully started a Colby Donaldson memorial immunity run.

Back at camp the tribe – excluding Jay – got to work splitting into either the boot Jess or boot Chris camps, whilst hoping Jay assumes he is the target to force him to play his idol. Jess, Chris, Jess, Chris – that was pretty much it, ok?

We arrived at tribal council where Taylor was sporting a delightful haircut – I assume given by Michelle … or himself whilst extremely drunk – where Jay mentioned his back was against the wall, Hannah then coined a new term for alliance, a trust cluster – which is only fractionally less annoying than voting blocks.

Chris sounded confident, Sunday was passive aggressive, Adam alluded to the civil war, Jess was anxious and Jay was nervous, though not enough to play his idol. Thankfully for him however, he didn’t need to as my dear ex-lawyer and current friend Chris found his way out of the game as the tenth boot / third juror.

As you’ve probably guessed – I mean, why wouldn’t you have – Chris was my lawyer after I was involved in slapping a cop with Zsa Zsa Gabor in the 80s. We quickly bonded – due to my love of redheads – and the rest is history. With the exception of my Chris Jamon and Pear Salad … which we share on the reg.

 

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I know Marge Simpson taught us all that you don’t make friends with salad, but this baby is the exception. Salty, sweet and packed full of meat … it reads like a night well spent.

Enjoy!

 

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Chris Jamon & Pear Salad
Serves: 2-4.

Ingredients
1 tsp honey
1 tsp dijon mustard
lug of olive oil
lug of balsamic vinegar
2-3 cups rocket leaves, washed
2 pears, cored and thinly sliced
12 thin slices jamon iberico
100g feta, crumbled
½ red onion, thinly sliced
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Whisk the honey, mustard, balsamic and olive in a small jug, and leave to rest.

Combine the rest of the ingredients in a bowl.

Toss through the dressing.

Season.

Devour.

 

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Sataylor Stocker Pizza

Main, Party Food, Poultry, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, three became one, like in the throuple positive version the hit Spice Girls song where the old folks banded together with the nerd brigade – well all except maybe Adam – and sent Michelle out of the game … to the jury!

Back at camp, Jay got to work throwing a tantrum about Adam, Hannah and Zeke banding with the parents … despite the fact he turned on his previous ally Michaela. Taylor then jumped on the wagon, starting talking about legal warfare and I got very, very confused.

Did I mention Adam started yelling in confessionals again? Yeah, ride on dude.

Anyway, Taylor then sat down for an extended feasting segment praising himself for having more dirt on Adam than Adam does on him. Because, you know, finding an advantage that anyone could have found is far worse than stealing food and hiding it from the tribe in buried mason jars.

I will give our dim friend one thing though, it was pretty smart.

The next morning Jay and Hannah caught up about the previous vote where Hannah’s winner edit started as she calmly articulated why she turned on Jay and how she was loving her new play to win attitude as she built her resume.

Jiffy Pop dropped by to lord over the reward challenge where they were broken up into teams to win cocktails and burgers by the pool which is literally my dream date with Ken, though clothing optional.

Which reminds me, Ken looked insanely bangin’ while helping his team to victory (seriously, the heaving in the back during the bola throwing? Love heart eye emojis – he huffed and he puffed and he blew my pants down) – let’s hope I’m a profit!

Surprisingly – or not considering his questionable choices of late – Adam didn’t opt to steal the reward from Taylor, despite the fact it would have rendered his knowledge of the advantage moot and be acceptable considering everyone is aware of Taylor’s theft.

On reward, party-Bret emerged and chugged down a shit tonne of cocktails while Ken sunbaked. It didn’t provide much narrative wise but damn it was beautiful.

Back at camp Adam decided to take a leaf out of the Abi-Maria playbook and kick Jay while he was down. Thankfully Zeke and – who would have thought – Hannah were a bit more self-aware and tried to woo Jay and James Earl Jones back to their side.

Oh and Sunday is concerned Jessica wants to vote her out and talked to Jay about getting her out. Either I missed something big, or this came out of nowhere.

J-Pop returned for immunity where he was feeling nice and offered up some sandy-j’s and chips for those feeling safe or defeatist by their ball handling ability. Yep, that’s right, another challenge where they needed to be handy with balls … which was won by my potential new boyfriend Kengel. But that wasn’t a surprise to me, obviously.

The tribe arrived back at camp where the super-majority – who luckily for them have a far less likable rival than the Witches Coven – got together for a pow-wow and confirmed to split the vote between Jay and Taylor. Sunday however was still focused on getting rid of Jess.

Meanwhile Jay and Taylor got together for snacks where Taylor vowed to avenge Figgy’s boot … which is awkward considering he is about to have a baby with someone else.

At tribal, Jay and Taylor continued their assault on Adam forcing the kindly version of dear Abi to have a minor meltdown as he watched his game slowly fall apart in front of his eyes thanks to a hardcore mindfuck from the perceived dim-wit Taylor.

Sadly for the latter, it couldn’t save him and my totally rad friend Taylor was booted from the game. Did I not mention we met shredding the slopes together? We totally did.

While he was totally bummed to find himself out of the game, he was psyched to destroy Adam’s game on the way out. And obviously to see me and a fresh Sataylor Stocker Pizza.

 

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Given it was freezing in the snow and Tayls was too busy impregnating girls to keep me warm, I had to come up with something warm and spicy to bring our souls back from a hard day on the slopes.

And I totally thought it would work to cure post-boot pain too.

Which it did. Enjoy!

 

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Sataylor Stocker Pizza
Serves: 2-4.

Ingredients
pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)
passata or tomato paste, with a combination of herbs
2 chicken breasts, chopped into small pieces
½ cup satay sauce
1 onion, finely sliced
bunch spinach, roughly chopped
mozzarella cheese, grated

Method
Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

While that is getting totally sicky-sicky, nar-nar, fry chicken over medium heat and when nearly browned, add the satay sauce – you may want to use more and I am totally rad with that bro – and continue cooking for another five minutes.

When the dough is fresh out of the hidden mason jar, roll out two bases and slather each with the herby passata. Top generously with spinach and onion and place the reduced satay chicken on top. Cover with cheese – obviously I am quite liberal – and bake in the oven for about fifteen minutes, or until golden and bubbly.

And then, you guessed it, devour while doing something totally millennial, dude.

 

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Michelle Sherbert

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor, Adam screwed Taylor – sadly not in the way Figgy did – while David shared information about his idol with Zeke while Jay orchestrated a vicious blindside on our Queen Michaela … and surprisingly lived to tell the tale.

We opened back up at Ikabula where Jay was very pleased to be alive and with himself, while Hannah  felt like a damned fool last night – which coincidentally is how America currently feels too.

Seriously Michaela then President Trump … heartbreak.

A boat then pulled up at Ikabula and Takali – sadly not the pirates from Captain Phillips – and whisked them over to Vanua to merge into the new Vinaka tribe.

Vinaka, not vinegar.

The new tribe quickly sat down to the traditional merge feast where Jay started to work on his cockiness as he ran through his numbers, while Bret saw those dang – sorry dahng – whippa snahppers coming together and felt it was better to go back his old – literally – tribe.

Meanwhile Adam went walkabout and found arguably the worst advantage known to Survivor, where he can steal a reward after it is won. Surprisingly he was excited by that, when it is clearly the most poisoned of chalices.

Twas the night after merge, when all through the tribe, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse … well except for Taylor who decided to pilfer the leftovers from the merge feast – because he is good with mason jars – and eat them in the middle of the night. Given he isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, he was caught by not one but two people – Bret and Adam.

Oh, we also learnt that stupidity is contagious as Adam freely offered up the fact he found the shittiest advantage to Taylor and that he wanted to blindside his closest alliance, Jay and boot Will. FYI, Taylor is still looking to get revenge on Adam for the Figgy vote.

The next day the olds joined together for what I assume they would describe as a chinwag, and share all that they know about the kids to find an appropriate target. Obviously King Zeke, the 90 year old in a millennial body was involved – bless.

Shocking absolutely no one, probably not even Adam, Taylor ran straight to Jay – with Zeke watching – to tell him about Adam’s plan reiterating that they should not tell Will. Taylor then ran straight to Will and told him everything he told Jay not to tell, scaring the poor child half to death as he shared how much he need immunity.

As if summoned like Beetlejuice, my dear Jiffy-Pop manifested for one of my favourite challenges – When it Rains it Pour – won by the great Teresa Cooper, Shi-Ann in All Stars (leading to its best episode) – and the great Parvati Shallow … twice.

Thankfully if you closed your eyes, the tribe made it sound like a porno as they moaned their way through the challenge until young Will took out immunity, much to Jessica chagrin.

Let’s also pause to remember how pretty Kengel looked while he had the load – of water – dumped over him.

Back at camp the kids got to work scrambling, with Will and Jay looking to take out Adam, which spooked Michelle, who thought it was a bad idea. Zeke then went to Adam and told him what he saw earlier and that Adam was now a target. Zeke and Adam then went to the old men brigade and tried to turn them on … to booting Taylor, which again didn’t seem like a great idea to them.

As Adam started to freak out, Hannah – who you’ll remember had a panic attack while watching a challenge – tried to calm him down so that they could find a way to save him, while Zeke started to get frustrated and toyed with the idea of booting Adam.

So obviously that meant it was time for tribal council where Jeff opened by checking in with everyone’s level of hunger and Hannah tried to cut my grass by saying she wanted wanted to eat Jeff before they played coy and cast their votes where Taylor’s revenge plan failed – shock – and Michelle found her way out of the game … as the first member of the jury heading to Ponderosa.

While Michelle and I may not seem to have a lot in common, with her being a missionary recruiter and me recruiting men to do in missionary, but we’ve been friends for about five years, brought to together by a mutual passion for dragons.

Have I mentioned I am the inspiration for Khaleesi?

Anyway, I knew Michelle would be sad to be voted out and continue in the great Millennials vs. Gen X tradition to boot only females – well, excluding Paul – and the only cure for vagicide related pain is Michelle Sherbert.

 

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With sexism / white male privilege prevailing in the election as well as this season, we really needed the sweetness to overcome the bitter taste in our collective mouths. Obviously I forgot the fact that sherbert had a bitterness … thankfully a nice one.

Enjoy!

 

michelle-sherbert-2

 

Michelle Sherbert
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
1 tsp citric acid
1 tsp bicarb soda
2 tbsp icing sugar
2-3 tbsp jelly crystals

Method
Combine ingredients. Devour.

 

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Bahn Michaela Bradshaw

Main, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

In the words of the great, wise Brandi Glanville – fuck you, fuck this, fuck that, fuck him, fuck you, fuck off.

I know, I should be telling you about what happened previously on Survivor, like how five of the first six women were minority women, Hannah had a panic attack, Taylor lost his in-game snuggle bunny, Ken was absolutely banging and Michaela was absolutely beasting the competition … but fuck this.

Seriously.

Not only did we suffer the pain of losing the final minority female cast member, said female was Michaela who was and forever will be my Queen … second only to Sandra Diaz-Twine.

Sure Taylor handled Adam screwing he and Figgy over with a lot more maturity and game awareness than I was expecting.

And yes David and Zeke confirmed their scrappy, underdog alliance.

But Michaela singlehandedly one her seventeenth challenge – behind Vanua, thanks to Chris’ beast 2.0 performance – after throwing out a bye Felecia about Figgy’s departure. Hell, I am so upset I can’t even bring myself to comment on how beautiful Ken looked glistening from the water, shooting hoops during the challenge.

The Vanua tribe may have enjoyed one of my favourite kind of rewards, where locals come to cook for tribe and they in turn repulse everyone by farting and burping. I guess it was an attempt at humour, knowing that Jay was about to crush our souls.

Either way, I’ll stop my sob story to say pray for Michelle as she suffers through bodily Chernobyl.

Over at Takali, Taylor continued to play beyond what I assumed was his capacity and worked over Jessica and Kengel. Or maybe he was looking to start a relationship with Kengel and his open shirt.

We then checked in with Ikabula, reminding me of the agony coming at the end of the episode. Thankfully Hannah started to win me back after her post-Mari faux-pas, trying to turn the tribe on Bret after she interrogated him on his career and immediately picked up on the fact that he is a cop.

It what feels like only moments after reward, Jiffy Pop arrived for to lord over the fateful immunity challenge involving a whole bunch of ball play, weighing down heavy sacks and shooting your load – of sacks – at a target. Normally this would be my favourite thing to write about … but I’m different now, knowing what Ikabula’s loss means.

I mean, even Kengel almost knocking out Adam while avoiding him to hug Taylor couldn’t make me smile.

Back at camp Ikabula had a moment of silence for my loss, before Sunday finally broke rank to start scrambling with Bret while Michaela rallied the kids to lay out their path to the final four. Sadly Queen Michaela’s strategic leadership spooked – rightfully – Jay, who pulled the young James Earl Jones impersonator aside and commenced the march to her doom and my pain.

For Jay it was a great move … for now at least – he got rid of arguably the biggest physical threat just before the merge, he made a huge play he can reference if he makes it to the end – particularly given he boldly told Michaela he had flipped while Jeff tallied the votes – and he saved Sunday and Bret which could become loyal numbers to repay the debt.

And he didn’t get killed by Michaela after her very dramatic blindside … although it would have been better if she had attempted to light his low-rent Joe Anglim locks on fire.

But, you know, choices.

None of that however changes the fact that Survivor lost an angel last night, in the form of sweet, feisty, Michaela – who I met at college and quickly befriended as I needed someone to keep me in line – and life will forevermore be broken down by the time before Michaela was voted out and after. The latter being a bleak time where nothing matters anymore. If only there was a way she could change her game fate …

On another season perhaps …

She was obviously not very happy to be blindsided from the game just before the merge but took comfort in a hearty Bahn Michaela Bradshaw, and the knowledge that she is the star of Millennials vs. Gen X.

 

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Like our fallen angel, these sandy-j’s – maybe I shouldn’t bring up Jay right now – are full of flavour and plenty of heat. I mean, if a sandwich was ever going to dominate you in a winning fashion, this is it! Hot, sour, sweet and fresh – it is everything Michaela used to change the game.

Enjoy!

 

bahn-michaela-bradshaw-2

 

Bahn Michaela Bradshaw
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 Vietnamese baguettes or crusty white bread rolls
½ cup rice vinegar
½ cup raw caster sugar
sea salt
3 large carrots, peeled and grated shredded
500g minced pork
3 tbsp muscovado sugar
2 tbsp fish sauce
2 tbsp soy sauce
lemongrass stalk, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 tbsp chilli paste
pork liver pâté, to taste
mayonnaise, to taste
1 large Lebanese cucumber, quartered lengthwise and deseeded
handful coriander
2 shallots, finely sliced
sliced bird’s eye chilli, to serve

Method
Start with picklin’ your carrots by combining the vinegar and sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat and stir until the sugar has dissolved. Pour into a small bowl, grate in the carrots, add two teaspoons of salt and stir to combine. Leave to steep for an hour or two, drain and refrigerate.

Preheat to the oven to 180°C.

While the carrots are chilling like Michaela wasn’t on her way out, combine the pork in a bowl with a teaspoon of salt, muscovado sugar, fish and soy sauces, lemongrass, garlic and chilli paste and mix well to combine.

Form the meat into 6 sausage shaped pieces of meat, place on a lined baking sheet and bake for fifteen minutes, or until browned and just cooked through. Remove from heat and set aside.

To assemble, split the baguettes in half and slather one side with mayo and the other with pâté – and by slather, to your taste. Top with some pickled carrot, cucumber, pork and some coriander, shallot and chilli to taste.

Devour … being careful to avoid the fiery rather of the bird’s eyes / Michaela.

 

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