Michelle Sherbert

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor, Adam screwed Taylor – sadly not in the way Figgy did – while David shared information about his idol with Zeke while Jay orchestrated a vicious blindside on our Queen Michaela … and surprisingly lived to tell the tale.

We opened back up at Ikabula where Jay was very pleased to be alive and with himself, while Hannah  felt like a damned fool last night – which coincidentally is how America currently feels too.

Seriously Michaela then President Trump … heartbreak.

A boat then pulled up at Ikabula and Takali – sadly not the pirates from Captain Phillips – and whisked them over to Vanua to merge into the new Vinaka tribe.

Vinaka, not vinegar.

The new tribe quickly sat down to the traditional merge feast where Jay started to work on his cockiness as he ran through his numbers, while Bret saw those dang – sorry dahng – whippa snahppers coming together and felt it was better to go back his old – literally – tribe.

Meanwhile Adam went walkabout and found arguably the worst advantage known to Survivor, where he can steal a reward after it is won. Surprisingly he was excited by that, when it is clearly the most poisoned of chalices.

Twas the night after merge, when all through the tribe, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse … well except for Taylor who decided to pilfer the leftovers from the merge feast – because he is good with mason jars – and eat them in the middle of the night. Given he isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, he was caught by not one but two people – Bret and Adam.

Oh, we also learnt that stupidity is contagious as Adam freely offered up the fact he found the shittiest advantage to Taylor and that he wanted to blindside his closest alliance, Jay and boot Will. FYI, Taylor is still looking to get revenge on Adam for the Figgy vote.

The next day the olds joined together for what I assume they would describe as a chinwag, and share all that they know about the kids to find an appropriate target. Obviously King Zeke, the 90 year old in a millennial body was involved – bless.

Shocking absolutely no one, probably not even Adam, Taylor ran straight to Jay – with Zeke watching – to tell him about Adam’s plan reiterating that they should not tell Will. Taylor then ran straight to Will and told him everything he told Jay not to tell, scaring the poor child half to death as he shared how much he need immunity.

As if summoned like Beetlejuice, my dear Jiffy-Pop manifested for one of my favourite challenges – When it Rains it Pour – won by the great Teresa Cooper, Shi-Ann in All Stars (leading to its best episode) – and the great Parvati Shallow … twice.

Thankfully if you closed your eyes, the tribe made it sound like a porno as they moaned their way through the challenge until young Will took out immunity, much to Jessica chagrin.

Let’s also pause to remember how pretty Kengel looked while he had the load – of water – dumped over him.

Back at camp the kids got to work scrambling, with Will and Jay looking to take out Adam, which spooked Michelle, who thought it was a bad idea. Zeke then went to Adam and told him what he saw earlier and that Adam was now a target. Zeke and Adam then went to the old men brigade and tried to turn them on … to booting Taylor, which again didn’t seem like a great idea to them.

As Adam started to freak out, Hannah – who you’ll remember had a panic attack while watching a challenge – tried to calm him down so that they could find a way to save him, while Zeke started to get frustrated and toyed with the idea of booting Adam.

So obviously that meant it was time for tribal council where Jeff opened by checking in with everyone’s level of hunger and Hannah tried to cut my grass by saying she wanted wanted to eat Jeff before they played coy and cast their votes where Taylor’s revenge plan failed – shock – and Michelle found her way out of the game … as the first member of the jury heading to Ponderosa.

While Michelle and I may not seem to have a lot in common, with her being a missionary recruiter and me recruiting men to do in missionary, but we’ve been friends for about five years, brought to together by a mutual passion for dragons.

Have I mentioned I am the inspiration for Khaleesi?

Anyway, I knew Michelle would be sad to be voted out and continue in the great Millennials vs. Gen X tradition to boot only females – well, excluding Paul – and the only cure for vagicide related pain is Michelle Sherbert.

 

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With sexism / white male privilege prevailing in the election as well as this season, we really needed the sweetness to overcome the bitter taste in our collective mouths. Obviously I forgot the fact that sherbert had a bitterness … thankfully a nice one.

Enjoy!

 

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Michelle Sherbert
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
1 tsp citric acid
1 tsp bicarb soda
2 tbsp icing sugar
2-3 tbsp jelly crystals

Method
Combine ingredients. Devour.

 

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Veal Gottliebocca

Main, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

The Spice Girls said it best, when they said something something when two become one. Yes, as the title of the episode blatantly told us – it’s merge time!

Before that however, Scot continued his trend of alternating between being nice and evil every second episode, Tai was brutally assaulted by a chicken and everyone’s favourite ice cream entrepreneur was having his bulge sized up by the brawns.

I don’t know why they were doing it but Jason/Sarge/whatever-he-goes-by mentioned planting his seed, so I assume it was sexual.

Either way, Debbie was excited though highly unsurprised to have made the merge before the episode turned into High School with the beauties and the brawns ganging up on the brains.

Hell we even had Probst making smutty teen jokes like he is Jenna Maroney.

“Tai’s balls banging into each other … never good.”

“Nick with a lot of movement – his balls dancing all over the place.”

Sadly though, Neal’s body turned to puss and he saved the (rest of the) nerds when he was evacuated from the game … also saving someone from the indignity of being the merge boot, rendering immunity pointless and making this cruel jerk watching at home in Ponderosa cry.

I first met Neal in the early noughties while scamming rich people in Sausalito, when I ran into him while cruising the docks for semen seamen. While Neal was not interested, he did take me in and offered me room and shelter until I got back on my feet / found myself a sugar daddy.

I was in that really awkward early teenager phase at the time, so I wasn’t very successful with the sugar daddy – despite being very eager. Thankfully Neal was kind enough to give me a job at his ice cream shop and I was able to play an integral part in the success of Three Twins Ice Cream.

You’re welcome.

Anyway, Neal was in a pretty bad way when he made it to Ponderosa (as the first jury member – yay!), so I’m very thankful that I was on hand to provide him with the love and care that he needed.

As a respected witch doctor, I am a global leader on treating infections, major ailments and also reading auras, which while not necessary to this story, is a fun tidbit for you to mention around the water cooler the next time you have talk to your colleagues.

Shudder.

Anyway, as the single point of truth on effective infection treatment I can confirm that the only answer is alcohol – wipes, rubs or ingested, it does the trick. Even when it is cooked off like in my Veal Gottlieboca

 

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Veal, despite being the politically incorrect meat, is pretty delightful … particularly when wrapped in the salty goodness of prosciutto, cut with some lemon and doused in a splash liquor.

I mean, has medicine ever tasted this good? Aside from the one that tasted like cherry starburst when you were a kid, obviously.

Enjoy!

 

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Veal Gottliebocca
Serves: 3 or 6, depending on the size of the escalopes.

Ingredients
6 veal escalopes
6 sage leaves
6 prosciutto slices
¼ cup plain flour
2 tbsp olive oil
20 g butter
salt and pepper
1 garlic clove, chopped
1 tbsp chopped flat-leaf parsley
200ml marsala
½ lemon, juiced

Method
Beat the veal with the under side of a frying pan to even out their thickness. It is also great at helping you work through your post evacuation feelings.

Place a sage leaf on each steak, fold the steak in half and press together, wrap with a piece of prosciutto and lightly dust it all with flour.

Heat the olive oil and butter in a heavy-based frying pan and sauté quickly on one side until light golden. Season with salt, pepper and add the garlic and parsley.

Flip the steaks over, add the marsala and lemon juice and cook for another few minutes. Until the liquid reduces slightly and the veal is perfectly cooked.

Serve on a bed of mashed potatoes and avoid making eye contact with the various Survivor infections.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.