Veal Gottliebocca

Main, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

The Spice Girls said it best, when they said something something when two become one. Yes, as the title of the episode blatantly told us – it’s merge time!

Before that however, Scot continued his trend of alternating between being nice and evil every second episode, Tai was brutally assaulted by a chicken and everyone’s favourite ice cream entrepreneur was having his bulge sized up by the brawns.

I don’t know why they were doing it but Jason/Sarge/whatever-he-goes-by mentioned planting his seed, so I assume it was sexual.

Either way, Debbie was excited though highly unsurprised to have made the merge before the episode turned into High School with the beauties and the brawns ganging up on the brains.

Hell we even had Probst making smutty teen jokes like he is Jenna Maroney.

“Tai’s balls banging into each other … never good.”

“Nick with a lot of movement – his balls dancing all over the place.”

Sadly though, Neal’s body turned to puss and he saved the (rest of the) nerds when he was evacuated from the game … also saving someone from the indignity of being the merge boot, rendering immunity pointless and making this cruel jerk watching at home in Ponderosa cry.

I first met Neal in the early noughties while scamming rich people in Sausalito, when I ran into him while cruising the docks for semen seamen. While Neal was not interested, he did take me in and offered me room and shelter until I got back on my feet / found myself a sugar daddy.

I was in that really awkward early teenager phase at the time, so I wasn’t very successful with the sugar daddy – despite being very eager. Thankfully Neal was kind enough to give me a job at his ice cream shop and I was able to play an integral part in the success of Three Twins Ice Cream.

You’re welcome.

Anyway, Neal was in a pretty bad way when he made it to Ponderosa (as the first jury member – yay!), so I’m very thankful that I was on hand to provide him with the love and care that he needed.

As a respected witch doctor, I am a global leader on treating infections, major ailments and also reading auras, which while not necessary to this story, is a fun tidbit for you to mention around the water cooler the next time you have talk to your colleagues.


Anyway, as the single point of truth on effective infection treatment I can confirm that the only answer is alcohol – wipes, rubs or ingested, it does the trick. Even when it is cooked off like in my Veal Gottlieboca




Veal, despite being the politically incorrect meat, is pretty delightful … particularly when wrapped in the salty goodness of prosciutto, cut with some lemon and doused in a splash liquor.

I mean, has medicine ever tasted this good? Aside from the one that tasted like cherry starburst when you were a kid, obviously.





Veal Gottliebocca
Serves: 3 or 6, depending on the size of the escalopes.

6 veal escalopes
6 sage leaves
6 prosciutto slices
¼ cup plain flour
2 tbsp olive oil
20 g butter
salt and pepper
1 garlic clove, chopped
1 tbsp chopped flat-leaf parsley
200ml marsala
½ lemon, juiced

Beat the veal with the under side of a frying pan to even out their thickness. It is also great at helping you work through your post evacuation feelings.

Place a sage leaf on each steak, fold the steak in half and press together, wrap with a piece of prosciutto and lightly dust it all with flour.

Heat the olive oil and butter in a heavy-based frying pan and sauté quickly on one side until light golden. Season with salt, pepper and add the garlic and parsley.

Flip the steaks over, add the marsala and lemon juice and cook for another few minutes. Until the liquid reduces slightly and the veal is perfectly cooked.

Serve on a bed of mashed potatoes and avoid making eye contact with the various Survivor infections.


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Calebonara Reynolds

Main, Pasta, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

There are a lot of things I love about Jeff Probst, outside of his insane beauty. His number one though, has to be his ability to make all statements smutty (that makes me lust after him even more) … even when half the cast are dying around him.

Much as been mentioned online (read: reddit) about what could Kaoh Rong this season and this is where Cambodia hit back and answered.

After a brief stint of Obama being sad, we went straight into the reward challenge where Probst focused on finding balls and sticking things into holes before the drama hit.

Debbie was first to fall thanks to the blistering heat but as biological cooling mechanic is one of her past jobs, she was fine. As she was recovering, Cydney and and my dear friend and rumoured (started by me) lover Caleb Reynolds went down in quick succession, with the later sadly being taken out by Survivor’s version of the Red Wedding.

It was fucking scary but who hasn’t almost died just to earn a cup of coffee, amirite Gilmore Girls?

I first met Caleb while he was on a tour of duty, where I was doing a sexy version of the USO Show. Despite what surfaced during his appearance on Big Brother, Caleb has been nothing but supportive of my aggressive homosexuality the entire time we’ve been friends.

Make no mistakes, Caleb was in a very bad way when he was taken out of the game but thankfully I was on hand to look after him and nurse him back to health, with some Tai-style stolen kisses and a big bowl of my Calebonara Reynolds.




Pasta is the ultimate comfort food, particularly with a delicate carbonara sauce and a good whack of parmesan cheese. But why have delicate and good, when you can add lemon and parsley to take it to the next level?

Exactly … and I mean, Caleb is back to full health, so yeah, case in point. It works. Enjoy!




Calebonara Reynolds
Serves: 2 greedily, 4 appropriately.

150g pancetta, diced
sea salt
freshly ground black pepper
455g dried linguine
4 large free-range egg yolks, preferably from Tai’s remaining chickens
100ml double cream
50g Parmesan cheese, freshly grated
1 lemon, zested
1 sprig fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped
extra virgin olive oil

Heat a lug of olive oil in large frying pan, add the pancetta and fry for a couple of minutes, until golden and crispy.

In the meantime, bring a large pot of salted water to the boil and cook the pasta to packet instructions. I know, I know, I should have made the pasta but it is a labour of love and I didn’t have time given I was nursing someone to health in Cambodia!

When the pasta is cooking, whisk together the egg yolks, cream, Parmesan, the lemon zest and parsley in a large bowl. When the pasta is ready, drain it and reserve a little of the cooking water. Place the pasta back in the pan (off the heat) and quickly stir through the egg mixture. Once it has delicately cooked, add the pancetta and toss everything together.

The goal is for the sauce to cook delicately, but if it ends up claggy, or say scrambled, add a few spoonfuls of the reserved cooking water to loosen it slightly.

Serve and sprinkle over / coat with a thick layer of parmesan and devour, happily … and healthily.


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