Chicken Shomein Fairfax

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders, Main, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Sharn and Shane were well and truly on the bottom, desperate to find a way to save themselves. Thankfully for them Brian voted Fenella out and upset the other half of Shonella, so when he took Monika on reward and left Shonee back at camp, the three of them formed a new alliance. Despite winning a car – a curse as powerful as my pizza curse – and not winning immunity, Brian survived tribal council thanks to his idol, leaving poor Monika to be blindsided by the SH clique who had a feeling he was packing said idol.

The next day Brian was feeling a bit salty, while Shonee rejoiced in surviving this long and being the final Contender standing. The four congratulated themselves on a game well played and were giddy about their only being three days left. Grubby continued to sulk around the camp, while Shonee listed off her impressive resume from surviving the tribal swap, navigating the post-merge flip-flop and most impressively, Benji’s nachos eating. Hopefully this is start of the winner’s coronation and not a send-off, because I can’t handle a Michelle Dougan situation again.

Meanwhile Shane was dolphin-ing it up in the ocean, talking about the complexities of the mind games and her stellar, not to be fucked with social game. She then shared that her ideal final two would be opposite Sharn, despite the fact she is a killer lawyer and would have an easier time against the disliked blindside. She followed Shonee, listing her resume of blindsides and knowing that going up against Sharn would show that she can defeat the barrister at her own game. Oh and obviously pulling off the blindside of Brian, flushing his idol and his ally in one foul swoop. Given she thinks he is villainous and wants to take him down, however isn’t sure whether taking him out next is the best idea.

Sharn and Shane went for a walk, leaving Brian time to approach Shonee to find out why she flipped on him at the previous tribal. While he pretended to trust her and accept her rational, he vowed to take her down and do what it takes. With that, he followed in the girls footsteps and listed his villainous resume and hoped that his final tribal speech would be interesting and exciting enough to hand him the win. Trying to find new friends, he went for a walk to check treemail with Sharn where they discovered a moral dilemma where a meal was sitting in the jungle and they could either choose to share with Shane and Shonee, both split it or if they can’t decide, the person that wants it for themself gets it. While they debated back and forth for a while, Brian chose to keep the food for himself while Sharn opted to split and as such, Brian got it all for himself. Which he ate, giddily and without remorse.

My boy Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where the castaways were required to weave discs through a maze suspended on a spring and then stack 12 on top of said maze without knocking them off. Brian and Shonee got out to an early lead while Shane started to close the gap and Sharn took the slow and steady wins the race motto. As you can imagine, this isn’t really something exciting to type about, let alone read … so Brian placed his twelfth and then dropped the stack, as did Shane … and Shonee, leaving Sharn to Steven Bradbury. Wait, nope, she dropped too leaving Brian to snatch immunity on his second attempt. This time with far less arrogance.

Back at camp the ladies congratulated Brian on his immunity win, while Brian was proud of taking out another immunity challenge and quickly identified Sharn as the next boot. He approached Shonee to lock in the vote against Sharn since they were each other’s best hope. Shonee was fairly confident she would be able to turn Shane against Sharn, so approached her to explain how well Sharn has played and how strong she will perform at final tribal. While Shonee would prefer to be taking out Brian, she continued to work Shane hard and assured her that if they are in the final three, she will take her to the end over Brian. Shane and Sharn went for a walk and marvelled at Brian’s luck in the game, before Shane spilt all the goss to Sharn and told her that they were planning to take her out. This allowed Sharn to explain to Shane that if there is a tie between their votes and Brian and Shonee’s, Sharn and Shonee would make fire and as such, they would win out in the end.

After locking in a deal with Sharn, Shane approached Brian to see where his head was at and told him that she would be interested in flipping to them and taking out Sharn as it is their best chance. They roped in Shonee and the three agreed they would vote together, which made Shonee feel even more nervous about the vote ahead. As such, Shonee approached Sharn as she felt she was the most trustworthy person left in the game and floated the idea of joining together to take out Shane instead. Sharn acknowledged that Shane was her biggest competition left in the game and as such was conflicted about which way to go at tribal council.

At said tribal council Brian spoke about only being able to trust immunity at this point in the game, Shane agreed that she doesn’t really know who she can trust, however admitted that she planned to stick with her loyalty and hope for the best. Sharn spoke about being nervous about tribal, though planned to trust her gut, while poor Shonee spoke about not being able to trust anyone until after the votes are read. She hoped that the people she spoke with during the day and felt on the same page as were being honest and things would work out for her.

Sharn acknowledged people needing to play for the jury, trying to sway Shane into staying loyal by painting the jury as not interested in an easy – sorry Steve, giving – win. Shane said that some of the jury actual prefer the villainous gameplay, though admitted that past loyalties would come into play in the final vote. This led to Brian admitting that all the contenders would potentially vote for Shonee and as such, she is a threat. Though he backed the game he played. Sharn spoke about not knowing if she can beat everyone in the end, while Shonee tried to sway her by talking about sticking with her gut. Fellow gut-gal Sharn said that she too would be sticking to hers and with that, they headed off to vote and Sharn and Shane stuck together while Brian and Shonee didn’t, leaving Shonee to be tragically felled in fourth place.

While I desperately wanted to scream at her for essentially 2-1-1-ing herself out of the game and not even trying to go to fire, I couldn’t stay mad at her and instead broke down in tears over the fact that not only were we robbed of a Shonella final two, she follows in the footsteps of Michelle and Flick of being the fourth place robbed goddess. She held me close as I sobbed for all that we, Australia, lost until I was strong enough to serve her a comforting bowl of my Chicken Shomein Fairfax.

 

 

Sweet, spicy and packed full of comforting carbs, chow mein is one of those dishes which look complex but are super easy. So easy you can cook while blinded by the combination of tears and rage.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chicken Shomein Fairfax
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
500g fresh hokkien noodles
peanut oil
500g chicken mince
4 garlic cloves, minced
2 chillies, sliced
2 carrots, julienned
1 red capsicum, seeded and sliced
1 tbsp curry powder
¼ cup oyster sauce
3 tbsp tamari
½ cup cooking sake
⅔ cup peas
½ cup baby corn
100g oyster mushrooms, roughly chopped
1 bunch choy sum, roughly chopped
½ wombok, shredded
4 shallots, sliced

Method
Seperate the noodles in a large bowl and cover with boiling water for five minutes or so. Drain.

Heat a good lug of oil in a wok and cook the mince over high heat for five minutes, or until browned, breakin up any lumps as you go. Add the garlic, chilli, carrot and capsicum, and fry for a further minute. Add the curry powder, oyster sauce, tamari and sake and cook for a couple of minutes. Add all the remaining vegetables and cook for a couple of minutes.

Remove from the heat, toss through the noodles and devour, piping hot, with plenty for hot sauce in honour of her spicy confessionals.

 

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Udonathan Hurley

Main, Side, Snack, Soup, Survivor, Survivor: Ghost Island, TV Recap

Following Sebastian’s boot we opened up straight at the next immunity challenge where Probst told them they’d be required to once again complete an obstacle course to collect puzzle piece before solving said four-piece pyramid puzzle. Yep – four piece. Laurel and Wendell got out to an early start – and we got Wendell crack, swoon – followed by Dom, Don and Angela, the latter proving steak isn’t actually helpful. Wendell and Laurel remained neck and neck throughout however everyone managed to catch up and work on the puzzle at the same time before Wendell took out immunity out of nowhere.

Back at camp everyone congratulated Wendell on winning immunity while Dom was gagged by the fact pyramids are not in fact flat on top. Given that Wendell has clawed back two wins, Dom was concerned about needing to find an edge over his rival. He vowed that Angela was a non-event, so decided to see what Donathan would do if he wins the next challenge with him immediately vowing he’d take Dom. While Dom didn’t exactly trust him, he feels that Laurel is more of a threat and decided it may be best to take her out. She joined Wendell and Dom to talk about moving forward, with Dom admitting she is more threatening than the others. Once again she reiterated that her only game plan is to hope they split the votes and she was scrape a win together thanks to the stragglers. Dom and Wendell then pulled himself away to decide what to do, with Wendell suggesting it may be best to get rid of Laurel but he will definitely be using Erik’s Micronesia idol to save someone and he hopes it is a big enough move to snag him a win.

At tribal council Probst shaded Dom’s performance at the last tribal before Yanny lamented the fact that Dom and Wendell are safe thanks to immunity and idols, meaning she, Donathan and Angela were unsafe. Angela admitted they looked like they spent the day decided who to take out before Donathan spoke about his inability to win a challenge. Dom then spoke about the fear of picking the wrong person to take to the end and Wendell brought up his idol and the fact he was undecided whether to play it for someone. Laurel reminded them of her loyalty and hoped it was enough, sparking Don to once again point out he is shit at challenges.  With that, the final five voted before Dom played his idol and Wendell took the chance to showboat for the jury, playing his immunity idol for Laurel since she reminded him of his sister. They then hugged it out, exchanged the idol, played it and sent dear, sweet Donathan from the game as the ninth boot.

Given it was the wonderful most experience of his life, he was pretty damn happy when he arrived at Ponderosa, despite his boot. So after quickly catching up, discussing his game and sassing about Laurel’s ability to ruin all moves, I quickly whipped up an Udonathan Hurley and celebrated his experience.

 

 

Spicy and comforting, this is the perfect representation of sweet Donathan – aka the second recipient of the Sia LGBT player of the season. The sassiness of his tribal council performances are like a whack of chilli in a sea of kind, loving udon noodles. And that is exactly why you love him.

Enjoy!

 

 

Udonathan Hurley
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 tbsp vegetable oil
500g pork mince
1 tbsp finely grated ginger
5 garlic cloves, minced
2 long red chillis, sliced
1 cup mushrooms, sliced
2 tbsp cooking sake
1 tbsp soy sauce
5 shallots, sliced with some green reserved to garnish
¼ cup red miso paste
2L chicken stock
500g udon noodles
4 eggs, at room temperature
200g silken tofu, cut into four slices
2 tbsp sesame seeds, toasted

 

Method

Heat the vegetable oil in a wok over high heat, add the pork mince and cook, stirring, for a couple of minutes while breaking up with a wooden spoon. Add the ginger, garlic chilli and sesame seeds and cook for a further couple of minutes. Add the mushrooms, sake, soy, chopped shallots and miso paste and stir for a minute or so, before slowly stirring through the stock. Bring to the boil before reducing to low and leaving to simmer.

 

Prepare the udon noodles as per packet instructions, soft boil the eggs and peel.

 

To serve, place the udon noodles in a bowl, add a slice of tofu and the eggs cut in half and top with a generous heaping of the pork broth. Sprinkle with sesame seeds and the green of the shallots, and devour.

 

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Karmaagi Takasushi

Main, Party Food, Poultry, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X

Previously on Survivor, Figgy was gettin’ jiggy and David was scared of literally everything, not least of all Figgy – I assume – before the Gen Xers took too many shortcuts in life and were sent to tribal council where poor Rachel Ako became the winner of the prestigious Francesca Hogi first boot award.

We arrived back at the hard-working shortcut taking Gen Xers where Chris delighted in tell us he was keeping David busy to avoid him becoming paranoid. Sadly for Chris, while keeping bust David started fire and found the first hidden immunity idol of the season – now trapped inside a coconut!

At the risk of sounding like Fabio 2.0 aka Taylor, how on earth did it even get in there? Nah gammin, relax guys, I saw the seam.

Speaking of Taylor, we checked in with the Millennials where the superior Tay-Tay and Figgy popped on their love goggles and made out, re-introducing us to the star of the season Michaela. After a killer confessional dropping truth bombs, Michaela then threw them straight under the bus much to the chagrin of Figgy. Do you think they know what chagrin means? Probs not.

Anyway, the freaks and geeks alliance were pretty pissed about the situation while #JayForPay wiped Romber from our collective memory by decreeing no couple has ever survived to the end. Aside from the lack of knowledge regarding Survivor history, Jay seems to know what he is doing and called out Taylor’s behaviour.

We finally checked in with my angel Ken, who will now be known as Kengel forevermore, who was rocking his tight, tight jocks in the ocean, making me as wet as he was. Then wait, seriously wait, THEN, Ken and David bonded and formed my favourite alliance of all time, named, coincidentally, after my favourite movie The Hottie and the Nottie.

Millennials Mari then explained the difference between TV and real life, which seems to be more of an issue for the professional gamer than other people. Thankfully Queen Michaela then returned to start fighting with Figgy – which sounds like an amazing TV show, Fighting with Figgy – while doing an amazing Matthew von Ertfelda impersonation with the axe.

Back on Gen X Ken and David recruited CeCe before Paul decided to continue in the tradition of Kaôh Rōng and have a medical emergency. Thankfully – well to all watching but David – Paul hadn’t had a heart attack and lives to see another day.

We then reconvened in the middle of a fucking reef for the next immunity challenge, can we just have the rest of the seasons set in Fiji for the killer cinematography and crystal clear water?

Can we also have Hannah sit out of every challenge to co-commentate with Probst?

Probst, “Chris ripping through the water.”

Hannah, “Michelle you’re ripping through the water too!”

Comedy gold! Anyway, the tribes continued looking for that ring – which I hope is a game Kengel is willing to play when he arrives at #Pounderosa – before Gen X, well technically just Kengel came from behind – you know where this aside would go – and won immunity, thrilling all but David who had his head in his hands.

Back at camp the millennials commenced scrambling, with Mari proving that she doesn’t have the greatest understanding of Survivor saying that Figgy would be blindside without even knowing.

Mari, the definition of a blindside is voting someone out without them knowing. This is a tautology.

Zeke then proclaimed his excitement to start booting people, meaning only one thing – we are in for a blindside despite the freaks and geeks locking the vote on Figgy with numbers to spare!

Adam and Zeke spilled the tea to Jay which was the catalyst for all hell breaking loose. Jay ran to Michelle and they showed impressive form clearing the air between Figgy and Michaela before pulling in the latter and Will to flip the vote on Mari.

Not one to rest on her laurels, Michelle continued her assault after arriving at tribal … where the millennials were completely in awe of the horror that is about to unfold in front of them. Mari was sad to be losing someone, Zeke was thrilled to be part of the game, Michaela spilled even more tea while Michelle continued to dominate, telling Hannah to change her vote to Mari without zero explanation. Hannah then teetered on the edge of a nervous breakdown, before having a conversation – not about puppies or butts as Mari said, but about booting Mari.

The tribe then voted where Hannah spent such a long time in the voting booth that Jeff had to peek around the corner to see if she had voted, as if he were watching Colby in the shower.

As the votes rolled in, my dear friend Mari indeed became the second boot and found herself in my arms at loser lodge to debrief over a plate of Karmaagi Takasushi. Obviously I know Mari through the pro-gaming scene, where I am really good at completing Mario themed games – and only Mario themed games – after reading the walkthroughs on nerd sites.

 

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Yes, Mari was salty – like nori fresh out of the ocean salty – after being voted out. As she explained at tribal, ended someone’s dream and being able to look into their eyes doing it is a lot tougher than through a screen like she is used to.

Now while it appears that my recipes may be as racially insensitive this season as the tribes that made a minority female their first boots, this and Korean BBQ worked with their names AND I find them delicious, so try and forgive the accidental, casual racism?

Plus, sushi is delicious, particularly karaage with some soothing cucumber or avocado and a hidden kick of wasabi. Enjoy!

 

karmaagi-takasushi-2

 

Karmaagi Takasushi
Serves: 8-10.

Ingredients
500g chicken thigh fillets, cut into a large dice
60ml soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
thumb sized piece of ginger, grated
pinch of sugar
½ cup potato or corn flour
pinch of salt
vegetable oil
2 cups sushi rice
¼ cup sushi vinegar
10 sheets nori
1 cucumber, halved lengthways, seeded and cut into matchsticks
1 avocado, halved and thinly sliced
Wasabi, to taste
kewpie mayo, to serve
pickled ginger, to serve

Method
Combine the chicken, soy, sake, ginger and sugar in a bowl. Stir well, cover with cling and place in the fridge to marinate for a couple of hours.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

While they are getting all snowboard and chill, combine the flour and salt in a bowl. Add the chicken, piece by piece using tongs and quickly toss them around to coat.

Heat a large skillet over high heat with a generous lug of vegetable oil. Once it is searingly hot, add a couple of pieces of chicken and seal the meat for a couple of minutes. Remove to a lined baking sheet and repeat the process until they are all done.

Pour over the remaining marinade and put in the oven to bake for 10-20 minutes until crisped and cooked through. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

Meanwhile, rinse the rice under cold water until it runs clear. Place the rice in a large saucepan with 3 cups of cold water and bring to the boil. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 15 minutes.

Remove from the heat and stand, covered, for five minutes.

Move the bowl to a large bowl and stir through the sushi vinegar and allow to cool.

Now, round up all the elements and, most importantly, a bamboo mat. Place the nori shiny side down on the bamboo mat and spread a thin layer of rice over the nori leaving a couple of centimetres clear at the end.

Add your fixins’, pieces of chicken, cucumber, avo, wasabi in whatever combination you like – I just put all four in all of mine.

Lift the edge of the bamboo mat closest to you and roll away, tightly. As you’re about to get to the end, brush the clear part of the nori with water before finishing rolling. Press the seam together and allow to rest while you repeat the process until it is all done.

Once they are done, slice into pieces – I went two-three per roll – with a wet knife.

Then, obviously, devour slathered in wasabi, kewpie mayo, pickled ginger and/or soy.

 

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Amy MuSchumer

Emmy Gold, Main

Ok – so again, we’re catching up with another current Emmy nominee but I promise, this is the last one. Rightly or wrongly, but I’ll get to that tomorrow.

Amy and I are just way too similar for me to not include her in such an important occasion. I mean, both of us are praised as brave for posing nude (I’d argue that it is the photographer that is brave in my case, but I’ve digressed), have a penchant for smut and swearing and have felt the disappointed gaze of Michael Caine.

Plus she is a killer friend and is sure to take me as her date, right? Well wrong … but all is forgiven as she too agrees that Kit and I should go together.

I first met Ames in the early 00s when we both became involved in a shoplifting scheme, resulting in grand larceny charges. While she was able to plead down the charges thanks to her cousin, I bought my way out of my problems and fled back to Lisa Vanderpump’s mansion.

While we didn’t speak for a few years, we reconnected during her stint on Last Comic Standing. I was heavily involved in rigging reality television programs and was desperately trying to get my hands on NBC’s stable after my dear friend Bethenny/any/eny/annie/infghtsmjfjf lost on Martha Stewart’s Apprentice, so spent a lot of time on set.

The decade that followed will go down as arguably the greatest friendship either has ever had and the best creative partnership known to mankind.

Like Bryan, Ames has a breadth of nominations under her belt so thankfully was able to run a shit tonne of odds with me. Our choices, are as follows:
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series, Key and Peele
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series, JLD
Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, Tig Notaro

Notably – but not surprisingly – she only backed her show when she wasn’t listed as a nominee. I however back her when she isn’t up against JLD (and was right to back Teens and Ames in the Guest category). Adjust your betting accordingly.

After such a lengthy discussion, we were absolutely famished by the time it came to plotting the best way for me to get to Kit that I had to stop everything and whip up a huge batch of my Amy MuSchumer.

 

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Like Ames, the muschumer packs a punch, has a little bite and fills you with absolute joy. Coincidentally those are all aspects of my plan to woo Kit.

Enjoy!

 

amy-muschumer-2

 

Amy MuSchumer
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ cup plain flour
2 tbsp cornflour
¼ cup water
¼ cup milk
6 eggs
2 tbsp butter, melted
1 tbsp chilli flakes
peanut oil
600g pork, cut into strips
¼ cup soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
2 tbsp oyster sauce
thumb of ginger, peeled and minced
1 large carrot, julienned
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
100g shiitake mushrooms, sliced
6 shallots, sliced on the angle and one whole for the pancakes
2-3 cups shredded wombok
hoisin sauce, to serve

Method
Combine the flour, cornflour, water, milk, 2 of the eggs, half the butter, chilli flakes and rough chopped additional shallot and blitz in a food processor until smooth. Cover and stand while you make the pork.

Heat a lug of peanut oil in a wok/large frying pan over high heat and stir-fry the pork, in two batches, until browned aka about a minute. Transfer to a bowl and stir through the soy, sake, oyster sauce and ginger.

Clean out the wok/frying pan, add another lug of oil and stir-fry the carrot, capsicum and mushrooms for a minute. Add the shallots, wombok and pork and stir-fry for a couple of minutes, the liquid has reduced and the vegetables bright but tender. Remove from heat.

Meanwhile heat another lug of peanut oil in a small frying pan over high heat. When blisteringly hot, add the remaining eggs, lightly beaten, reduce heat to low and stir the eggs over themselves to form a delicate omelette.

Remove from the heat, roughly chop and stir through the pork mixture and keep warm while you fry the pancakes.

Heat a small frying pan over medium heat and brush with the remaining butter. Add about a tablespoon worth of batter to the frying pan, spread it out to form a thin pancake and cook for a minute or two. Flip and cook for a further minute. Transfer to a plate and repeat until the batter is done.

Once the pancakes are sorted, dish up the pork, garnishing with some extra slice shallots, and serve with the pancakes.

I wouldn’t worry too much about presentation as you inhale them pretty quickly!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.