Jaquiche Patterson

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Main, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor, AK and Tessa had taken control of Samatau putting Tara on the outs alongside my furry-bunned dreamboat Locky. Meanwhile over at Asaga, Henry finally threw an immunity challenge to boot Sam, pissing off Mark. After losing yet another immunity challenge, Mark tried to bring Luke and Jericho over to his side to break up the true Asaga power-couple Jacry. Thankfully he failed and quickly followed his lady-love out the door, giving us another week of killer Jacqui facial expressions.

Asaga returned to camp where Henry was pissed that Mark had outed he and Jacs as the power couple, though could appreciate how well he spoke at tribal. After the tribe retired to sleep, Jericho pulled a low-rent Queen Sandra Diaz-Twine/on-par Tai Trang and put out the fire to avenge Mark’s boot. Given the fact that there was torrential rain, it kind of seemed like the most redundant revenge, but you do you boo.

The next day things were looking up at Samatau where Locky was feeling excited to be playing Survivor and relishing the opportunity to go for an early morning fish. He then spoke about being on the bottom, which is something he isn’t used to? Girl, that’s a waste. He returned to camp with a small fish, and then proceeded to work, providing for the tribe while King AK just chilled. This obviously pissed him off, once again approaching Ziggy about the possibility of getting rid of AK … which she agreed should be a priority, since he cannot be trusted.

Things were still gloomy over at Asaga where they were without fire thanks to Australia’s Tai, Jericho. Luke then bitched to Jericho about the tribe wanting him to rebuild the fire that Jericho put out. I’m going to be honest, they annoy me.

Sensing my rage building, JLP arrived for the reward challenge where Samatau were shocked to discover Mark was booted at the last tribal council. Jericho then did a terrible job at hiding the fact that he was pissed about the decision, painting an even bigger target on his back. Jericho, goodbye. The challenge involved six people balancing a ball on a disc while traversing an obstacle course, before two cast members shoot their ball at four targets for a luxury reward involving wine, cheese and waterfalls – I assume to chase. While Samatau got out to an early lead, Asaga caught up and overtook on final obstacle before Kent and Henry secured Asaga’s first reward of the game.

They arrived at the reward where they were ecstatic to see the waterfall shower, and a table full of booze, cheese and cake. Luke and Henry were the first to brave the showers where they discovered each table had a note. Assuming it was an idol clue, they both shoved them down their pants before later discovering they were actually just a pouch of scissors and tweezers. Obviously that wasn’t discovered until after Ben stared at himself in the mirror for an exorbitant amount of time and Luke felt it necessary to shave his balls. Why couldn’t have Locky won this one and given us another steamy nude scene? It’s been weeks!

Speaking of our island stud, Locky reminded us that he was in a very shit spot in the tribe. He and Ziggy were once again the only ones working hard, trying to keep the fire alight during even more torrential rain. They had a big old bitch about AK being lazy before Ziggy finally cracked and got Locky to promise that AK would be the next to go, when they go to tribal.

The next day Asaga were back to feel hungry despite a huge reward just 24 hours prior. Despite vowing not to get the fire started, Luke decided that being the provider would actually be a good idea, got it going and decided that he was the new power player of the tribe. Jacry noticed that Luke was stepping it up and trying to play the game, so decided that he needs to go ASAP, particularly over the useless pair of Michelle – who is actually a goddess – and Ben. But seriously, make this happen ASAP.

Given that each tribe had lined up a target, JLP returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes had to split into pairs and run through an obstacle course, untying a series of knots to open a gate, dismantling a bamboo wall to build a bridge, complete a vertical peg maze and pulled a sled with a lit torch to the other end of the course and light a cauldron. Poor Jacs struggled big time on the knots, giving Samatau an early lead which Luke and Ben almost closed, had Luke not struggled horrifically, allowing Ziggy and Pete to almost complete the third obstacle before the boys finished the second. Turns out the puzzle was far harder than I’d assumed as a spectator, as Henry and Jericho managed to catch-up and release their keys first. Asaga then pulled their sled past a still-struggling Pete and Ziggy and secured Asaga immunity.

Back at Samatau, Tara was feeling extremely nervous about tribal council and was putting all of her eggs in Ziggy’s basket. Everyone disappeared to discuss the vote, leaving Locky and Tara alone at camp. AK was feeling extremely confident, which he should, given the fact his alliance is made up of five people in an eight person tribe. He then floated the idea of bringing Anneliese in to split the vote between Locky and Tara, in case of an idol. Anneliese then proved that she is playing better than we’ve been shown, knowing that she is better off letting them think she is splitting the votes with them, so they can get rid of AK without having an actual majority. AK then slinked – slunk? – around in the bushes, Ziggy and Anneliese agreed to get rid of AK and Locky and Tara tried to pretend that they aren’t getting another potential lifeline.

At tribal, JLP was quick to rub some salt in Samatau’s wounds, pointing out the fact Peter and Ziggy completely blew the challenge. Tara then spoke about being shocked by Aimee’s blindside and how she was sure that she’s the one to go tonight. Locky jumped on the pretending we’re down and out bandwagon, and spoke about how he was trying to show his worth (note: get nude again, that may help). He then pointed out that AK was in charge, which he obviously denied, before Tessa was very arrogant about the fact she took back control of the game, despite the fact she owed it all to Tarzan as Locky, the shadiest queen of all, kindly pointed out.

After Locky’s last ditch effort to point out that he works hard and does it for the benefit of the tribe, while AK is only out for himself – which, yes, is the game … but it’s AK – the tribe headed to vote where a couple rolled in for Locky, before resulting in a tie between AK and Tara. The tribe then voted again where Tara was voted out … but not alone, as JoJo announced that they’d be voting out a second person.

One by one the tribe voted again with Tara watching on, before Ziggy, Tessa and AK got petty/iconic and screamed their votes for Anneliese, sending her out of the tribe with Tara … though not out of the game. Yes, peeps – we’ve got a surprise faux-tribal tribe swap! Instead of exiting the game, the girls were to spend a night on exile before joining Asaga the next day.

I’d just like to mark the end of the non-elimination episode and beginning of episode nine by pointing out that it has now been seven episodes since Locky’s cakes writhed around in the sand.

#neverforget

We quickly checked in with the outcasts of exile island where Tara and Anneliese were feeling all around shitty. The were hungry, cold and Tara had cried herself to sleep starting to think about what she is missing out on back at home. Thankfully Anneliese gave her a much-needed pep-talk and got her head back in the game, both vowing to make the most of their second chances, not to be confused with second chances.

Meanwhile an oblivious Asaga were not loving life, resorting to ogling a slimming Kent. In her defense, my girl Jacs was loving life, despite missing booze and her husband – same girl – and has to put up with some extremely annoying people. Given that she holds all the power, she is tolerating it. Ben, Michelle, Luke and Jericho then sat in the shelter and bitched about Jacs for not delivering their rice, despite the fact they were just bitching about her. Michelle, don’t push me.

Finally, JLP returned with Tara and Anneliese as Asaga arrived at a beach expecting a reward challenge. Instead, they were told that they had to pick two people to swap to Samatau to replace the girls. Ben, who is completely on the outs anyway, offered to go … followed by Henry. Henry. HENRY?! Breaking Jacs and my hearts, and shocking Tara and Anneliese who believe it to be a death sentence. On the flipside, they are now in the driving seat at Asaga in the middle of the two warring factions.

Testing out Tara’s psychic ability, Henry and Ben arrived at Samatau where the tribe were surprisingly thrilled to see them. Except AK, obvi, who was (rightfully) confused as to why Henry would volunteer to go over to Samatau where he has no control, or even an ally. While Henry laid on the charm as thickly as possible, AK sat in the corner of the camp and pouted like a rich school kid that has finally realised money can’t buy you friends. Or class. Feeling threatened, AK tried to lie and say that he is in danger to lull Henry into a false sense of security. Further proving he isn’t as smart as Locky thinks, Henry approached Locky and they quickly unravelled his lies filling me with hope that they’ll align and get rid of my nemesis AK.

Meanwhile Anneliese was quick to upset things at Asaga, asking how they really feel to have her and Tara as replacements for their best and worst challenge performers. While Jacs was hoping to get rid of one of the ex-Samatauns, Tara and Anneliese made quick work of distancing themselves from the tribe that just voted them out and to spill as much tea as they needed to, to win friends. Despite Jacs’ assurance that Asaga didn’t have any clear alliances, Luke and Michelle took Tara for a walk to tell her otherwise and swing the girls to the minority to take control. As exciting as that flip would be, I don’t want to see it happen at the expense of Jacs. Particularly when it benefits Jerichoke, my new name for the insufferable Jericho/Luke alliance.

After so much excitement, JLP returned for an immunity challenge allowing fair contact, breaking my heart that Henry and Locky are now on the same side and won’t battle to the nudity. The tribes had to fight for a ball before passing it off to a person on the platform who then had to kick the ball in a goal. Kent quickly tried to become my favourite in the first round, tugging at the front of Locky’s pants (like me in my dreams) before AK scored the first goal for Samatau. Luke and Henry battled it out in the second round before Luke took the ball and passed it to Samatau’s Ben, who obvi missed on his first go. Thankfully he redeemed himself after Henry took out Kent, giving Samatau a 2-0 lead. Odette dominated Jarrad in the third round before Luke missed the kick, Jericho then passed the ball to AK who sadly missed before Luke got the ball back from Jericho again and got Asaga on the board. In the fourth round, Henry dominated Luke, Locky dominated Kent and Sarah and Ziggy made straight men’s dreams come true before AK finally secured victory for new-Samatau on his fourth kick.

Sadly, no nudity. What the actual fuck.

Things were looking bleak back at new-Asaga, with Tara and Anneliese sure that they’ll be voted out for realsies. Jacs too was feeling nervous, though was hoping to push the Asaga strong line via Kent, to avoid looking like she is in control. While it all looked locked after Kent’s quick walk around, Michelle approached Jerichoke to talk about joining with Tara and Anneliese to snatch control and get rids of Jacs … which was literally planned a par ago. Sarah joined the fray to make things interesting, approaching Jericho and Michelle to see what the plan is and agreed to get rid of Jacs. The conversation however went on a little too long, making Jacs and Kent nervous enough to switch the vote to Sarah, another tragedy. Kent then approached Anneliese and Tara to get them onboard and retain control of the tribe.

Jonathan was quick to ask about Henry and Ben deflecting to the other side, which Jericho was quick to point out it could have been a great, selfish move for either of them. Jacs used it as an opportunity to point out that she and Henry mustn’t be a power couple if he was willing to flip, before Michelle rightly pointed out that maybe he went over because he felt so safe that he wanted to make more friends. Anneliese pointed out that she and Tara have no other options, so they are good allies to take forward. JoJo then spoke to Sarah, which seemingly opened up a can of worms, with everyone talking in riddles about who they’d be targeting to convince the newbies to join them.

The tribe then voted and tragedy struck, as Queen Jacs found herself booted from the game as the eighth boot. Let’s take a moment’s silence and remember her classic one-liners and killer side eye. As a fan of champagne and sass, it should come as absolute no shock that Jacs and I are the best of friends. Fun fact: after the plebishite bullshit is done in Australia, Jacs has offered to oversee my vow-renewal as she is the only person as sassy as the woman that married my husband and I.

Anyway – when she walked into loser lodge, I honestly couldn’t tell you who was more distressed. Though I will, it was me. After playing such a dominant first half of the game, one selfish, miscalculated move from Henry became her undoing and the only thing I could do was whip her up her favourite Jacquiche Patterson.

 

 

Creamy custard, bubbling egg, molten tomatoes and the constant unchanging nature of corn – it literally can not be broken down by our bodies, thus it appearing in every vom and shit you have – are the perfect combination to help you eat your feelings for our fallen goddess.

Bet you’re hungry after the shit and vom talk, right? Enjoy!

 

 

Jaquiche Patterson
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 sheets frozen shortcrust pastry, defrosted
6 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1 cup milk
salt and pepper, to taste
a couple of sprigs fresh thyme leaves
1 cup frozen corn kernels, defrosted and drained
a small handful of cherry tomatoes, halved
½ cup grated vintage cheddar cheese

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C and roll the sheets of pastry together with a pin to form a single, slightly thicker but way bigger piece of pastry.

Press the pastry into a quiche dish, line with baking paper, fill with baking weights and blind bake for fifteen minutes. Remove the weights and baking paper and cook for a further five minutes. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

Reduce the heat of the oven to 160°C.

Meanwhile whisk the eggs, sour cream, milk, salt and pepper and thyme to combine in a large bowl. Scatter the corn and tomatoes inside the quiche dish, top with the cheese and pour over the egg mixture. Return to the oven and bake for 45 minutes, or until browned and just set.

Allow to rest for fifteen minutes before devouring.

 

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