Like the great, lovely fifth-then-fourth alternate Alyssa Edwards, we’re back, back, back, back, back (rolls) again, for another year (almost) … and more importantly, to countdown to Rupaul’s Drag Race All Stars 3. Because halleloo, Ru and Michelle couldn’t do it without me and I’m slowly becoming the backstage equivalent of Shangie.
As we’re rolling in for a third season of All Stars, I felt it was best for our countdown to honour the screwed Queens of the OG All Stars. I mean, not only were they stuck in pairs – aka the worst twist in history unless you’re a Shannel fan – but they never got to experience my special form of culinary comfort after sashaying away. Tragedy.
Given that she and her name insist upon themselves, I picked up the phone and asked my dear frenemy Mimi Imfurst a call to see if she was free to stop power-lifting people and come celebrate the new season. Obviously, she said yes and jumped on the next plane. I’m not saying she’d come to the opening of a letter, but I’m not not saying it either.
I first met Mimi in 2010 when she walked into my gym in Philly and by that, she walked down the street I was obnoxiously using to train people in the ways of ‘functional fitness’ which is code for, I couldn’t be bothered renting a gym despite running a scam as a personal trainer.
In any event, I bamboozled her into joining my class slash cult which coincidentally is where she learnt to use people as weights. After being told that drag is not a contact sport – which I lied and told her it was – we had an epic falling out. We then made up a few months before All Stars and as revenge for her getting mad at me, I poisoned the entire cast against her.
After watching the season back I felt pretty bad so worked overtime to win her back, eventually wearing her down with my Mimi Bratwursts.
I’ve long argued the healing powers of a thick, succulent, meaty sausage and this little number more than proves my point. The sweet onions and delicate sausage are firmly jammed in a soft warm bun and everything truly is right with the world.
Serves: 2-6, no judgement.
1 tbsp butter
3 onions, sliced
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
375ml pale ale
salt and pepper, to taste
6 hoagie rolls, split and toasted
hot mustard, for serving
Melt the butter in a saucepan over medium heat and cook until foamy before adding the onions. Reduce heat to low and sweat for ten minutes, stirring occasionally to avoid them catching. Crank back up to medium, add the muscovado and cook for a couple of minutes or until they start to get sticky. Add in the beer, bring to a simmer and cook, stirring occasionally again, for about ten-fifteen minutes, or until the onions are perfectly caramelised and sticky. Season to taste and remove from the heat while you work your meat.
Heat a medium frying pan over high heat until the pan is scorching. Reduce heat to low, add the bratwursts and cook for a couple of minutes each side – I’m pretending they’re square so there are four sides – or until cooked through.
To serve, split and toast your buns, smear them with the hot mustard, spoon in some caramelised onions, top with the sausage and take it in your mouth. To devour, sickos.