Madonna Kebab

Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Goldenade, Main, Street Food

After tipping over the halfway point of my Grammy Gold celebration, Goldenade … and just getting back from visiting another deceased friend in the form of Tom – after Whits and the thankfully still alive Burt – I knew I needed to see someone that made me feel all shiny and new. And no one makes me feel like that, quite like my girl Madonna.

Yes ladies and gentleman – I am friends with the icon that is Madonna. Dare I say it, I am actually the person that made her who she is today. And that is not an overstatement in the slightest.

I first met Madge when she was a bit player in bands in the late ‘70s before inspiring her to drop her last name and head off on a solo career. Badda bing, badda boom, ‘83 rolled around and her debut album was released … thanks to me.

I then co-wrote all the songs on Like a Virgin, inspired her to parlay her music career into an acting one and most importantly, gave her the idea for – not to mention 90% of the poses – her hit book Sex. Fun fact: I have the only copy of outtakes which even I deemed too explicit for publication. But damn, Vanilla sure could ice me, baby …

Anyway, Madge was thrilled to drop by and celebrate the Grammys – on the proviso that her superfan and my fellow friend Michelle Visage came nowhere near her – and run the odds on this year’s pop performances.

She agreed – albeit begrudgingly – that Ed Sheeran will win Best Solo Pop Performance (because everyone loves white bread), Despacito will take out Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Seth MacFarlane will snag Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album over Bob Dylan and Ke$ha will snag her first Grammy for Best Pop Vocal Album.

Such exhausting and necessary work required something that packed enough energy, comfort and booze-sopping ability, so I quickly hauled-arse to the kitchen and whipped up a delightful Madonna Kebab.

 

 

Rich, spicy and fresh, there is nothing better than a kebab to fill your heart with joy. Or song even, I guess. Add in some fresh salad and a slather of natural yoghurt and I feel like life is no longer a mystery, as like a prayer, this kebab can take you there.

Enjoy!

 

 

Madonna Kebab
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
500g lamb mince
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
½ tsp onion powder
½ tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp chilli flakes
sea salt and pepper, to taste
8 Pita Andre Bread
iceberg lettuce, finely shredded
1 red onion, thinly sliced
1 red capsicum, sliced
Greek yoghurt, to taste

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the mince in a large bowl with the garlic, spices, and salt and pepper, and scrunch together in your hands until smooth. Shape into 24 meatballs and place on a lined baking sheet, transfer to the oven and bake for 20 minutes or until cooked through.

Toast pitas, split in half – and those halves open – and fill with lettuce, onion and capsicum, top with a couple of meatballs, slather in Greek yoghurt before devouring, greedily.

 

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Keri Brussell Sprouts Salad

Salad, Side

Yep, apologies Felicity fans – I was the one that not only encouraged her haircut but the one that drunkenly took blunt scissors to it, after a bender in the meatpacking district or West Hollywood (I can not remember where it was filmed, just that I was hustling, off the wagon and loving it) and left Kez and the WB hairstylist to try and find a way out of the mess.

Thankfully Kez is as sweet and understanding as dear Felicity and didn’t hold it against me.

I first met Keri in 1995 when she had a guest stint on Married … with Children – my torrid affair with David Faustino was coming to an end after he (correctly) accused me of having an affair with Ed O’Neill, a down-to-peg Sagal and Marcy. Yes, Marcy – I am not attracted to Mandy unless she is in character.

As you could imagine, it was a very tumultuous time and dear Keri (incorrectly) saw me as a victim and quickly rescued me from the hell (of my own creation). You know how the story goes by now; celeb meets boy, boy pretends he isn’t toxic and tricks up and coming celeb into being his friend, boy relapses/is involved in scandal/is incarcerated and celebrity stands by him through thick and thin.

Even when he takes her hair from thick, to thin. Yeah … I am aware of how lucky I am to have found such supportive A-listers.

Despite hairgate, Kez has been on the up-and-up, which I like to attribute to her critically applauded turn in Waitress, which I financed out of guilt (I also funded a PSA called August Thrush but it was recut to make a poignant movie – I’m pretty kind). Now instead of her success depending on the length of her hair, she is being overlooked for Emmy Awards and battling whichever animal Andy Serkis most recently played.

It was such a treat catching up on the good old days and to see that her hair is as luscious as the world wants it to be (aside, must secure a shampoo commercial for Connie Britton and Kez). We laughed about Scott Foley’s obsession with me, Jeremy Sisto’s obsession with me … and, who could forget, Andy Serkis’ obsession with me, before sitting down to a light Keri Brussell Sprout Salad.

 

keri-brussell-sprouts-salad-1

 

Oh, I forgot … Cheryl Hines was also obsessed with me, but I’ve digressed.

While most people either hate or simply tolerate brussel sprouts, they would have to be my favourite vegetable. Even when steamed to within an inch of its life and the water is gone out the pan and now tastes smoked, slather on a knob of butter and those little balls have my heart.

Don’t even go there.

Anyway, it is autumn in Australia and despite still having sweat dripping of my balls on the daily, that means lettuce is now for suckers. Shred these little bad boys with some fried, salty bacon, sharp cheese and some nuts and you have a testicular inspired, culinary delight.

Enjoy!

 

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Keri Brussell Sprouts Salad
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 rashers streaky bacon, roughly diced
350g brussels sprouts
¼ cup red wine vinegar
1 clove garlic, crushed
3 tbsp olive oil
60g parmesan cheese, grated
¼ cup almonds, roughly chopped and toasted
¼ cup flat leaf parsley

Method
Heat a small frying pan over medium heat and cook bacon for a couple of minutes, until golden and crisp. Remove to drain on a paper towel.

While the bacon is chilling out, roughly shred the sprouts and transfer to a bowl. Add the remaining ingredients, bacon included, and toss well to combine.

Devour and remind yourself to always think through your haircuts.

 

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Short and curly

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Can she become
Can she become
My new favourite celebrity date?

New week
New month
A new celeb dropping by my home
I don’t remember (why we haven’t seen each other in so long)

Ne-ew time spent with you
I ne-ed time for me (to plan what to make)

What fo-od can I serve you
Keri, what can I cook that best reflects the close friendship you once shared with me

Fuck – I just remembered why we lost touch …

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.