Wrapping us up for the year, Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz arrived – begging the question, why – to present Outstanding Drama Series to Game of Thrones.
Again, no one was shocked … but I’m storming the stage with Kit, the cast and crew.
With that, good night people!
We are finally at the pointy end of the show! Can you believe we made it?
As expected, Outstanding Comedy Series went to Veep which now makes me regret betting my life savings on Master of None.
When she thanked the cast you assumed she was thanking all of the sestras, assuming they were played by different people, right?
Keifer is here – sadly sober and with pants – to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series to Tatiana Maslany.
Holy shit this is paying off with my bookie!
And how overdue is this win? She is absolutely amazing in Orphan Black.
His joke – how adorable!
And I finally got a good win with my bookie again!
With the tears out of the way, we truly get down to business with the hotly contested Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series going to Rami Malek.
Maybe I will get lucky tonight after all?
Now we cry irrationally during the In Memoriam section.
I miss you Jacks, Dot, Gaz, Alan Rickman (said in his voice), Yetta, Prince, Gene and Bowie.
And now, Taraji is here to give out my personal favourite category tonight, Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series.
And unlike Amanda, I am not getting lucky tonight with Ben Mendelsohn taking home the Emmy.
Maybe Kit will need some comforting love.
Up next Minnie Driver and Michael Weatherly – why – arrived to present Outstanding Supporting Acress in a Drama Series. Again, sadly, to Maggie Smith.
Given it was a non-event, they were also given the job of presenting Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series to Miguel – again – for the inspiration to my next porn parody, Battle of the Bastards.
Yawn, the Emmy President everyone.
And finally we made it – drama is here and we are on the home stretch.
My other boyfriend Rami Malek has arrived and all is right in the world. Congrats to Hank and character actress Margot Martindale for your victory for Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama Series, respectively.
With that they delivered the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series to Dave and D.B. – I prefer DP, but that is another story for another time – for Battle of the Bastards which coincidentally reminds me of DP as well. Again, not the time.
Either way, Amanda Peet of Amanda Peet’s Coffee and Tea fame is getting lucky tonight.
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series went to Key & Peele, screwing me out of more money but winning Amy some cash with my bookie.
Again, no yanked chains.
Matt Damon arrived to talk smack with his nemesis Kimmel before Laverne Cox dropped by to give out Outstanding Directing for a Variety Special where won Thomas Kail and Alex Rudzinski, neither of whom I know, won for Grease: Live.
Their wives however did not yank their chains.
Fun fact, I should have been presenting Outstanding Variety Talk Series with my love Kit but was needed backstage to doctor Kimmel’s script. Congrats John Oliver, you and your hatred for Tony Abbott fills me with joy.
Now on to the Variety Series awards, so head off to the bathroom and I’ll catching you up.
Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special went to Patton Oswalt, shocking everyone. Damn with the subtle emotional ending though.
Seriously we are churning through the awards now – Outstanding Limited Series went to The People vs. O.J. Simpson which despite not being a surprise, thankfully has gotten me back in the black with my bookie.
Travolta didn’t like the Cochran joke. Thankfully it was time to give out Outstanding Television Movie going to Sherlock which I will never watch, despite becoming tentative friends with Cumberbatch.
Thankfully Bry was given enough time to get back to his seat while Ames and Teens made their entrance to hand out Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie. Sadly Bry couldn’t take home another gong with Courtney B. Vance taking out the hotly contested category and continuing O.J’s winning streak.
Thank god it didn’t go to my frenemy Benedict.
But kind of breaking my heart for Kirsten Dunst who would have won otherwise.
Sarah gave an amazing speech apologising to Marcia Clark for society being judgemental, patriarchal jerks.
Not me though, obviously – we gays don’t get that privilege. Like marriage in Australia.
Terrence Howard has arrived to present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie, though sadly not to Travolta and Schwimmer for their hilarious turns in The People vs. O.J. Simpson but instead the very deserving Sterling K. Brown.
The finally free Hiddleston is here to present Outstanding Directing for a Limited Series or Movie, which once again went to … what, not O.J?!
Congrats Susie for your work on The Night Manager.
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie once again went to Regina King.
FYI, I was her stylist this year – doesn’t she look beautiful!
Also I am still fucked with my bookie.
Now that we’ve burnt through the scum of comedy, we are on to Outstanding Writing for a Limited Series or Movie.
Congratulations to The People vs. O.J. Simpson – finally Marcia Clark’s name is associated with winning.
Thankfully Leslie Jones was brought out to bring some excitement to the accounting segment. To trolls, fuck off and leave her alone.
Finally some true glory, PB&J given out by the cast of Stranger Things.
Hearing my rage, we are over to Best Reality Competition Program where Survivor was once again overlooked.
Congrats on the win for your lesser show Mark.
Still with comedy – and what message does this send to comedy stars burning them off at the start, this is cruel – Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series.
The Bill Cosby joke, classic and I’m sad to say that was not my idea – did you see Tina’s face?
Again, sadly, there was no surprise with Jeff taking out the Emmy and I blew the cash I had on Aziz. Damn you Jeff.
Sticking with comedy Keegan Michael Key arrived to finally give JLD another gong.
Again, she was so far ahead in the odds I actually now owe my bookie even more money.
Oh yeah, she has officially gotten the award now.
Thankfully she apologised for the current political climate that turned her show into a documentary.
Then she broke our hearts with the dedication to her dad – damn JLD, I’m now heartbroken.
Randall Park and Constance Wu started with a recap of the Guest Actor and Actress(es) – congrats Amy and Tina – in a Comedy Series, introducing Peter Scolari to present Directing in a Comedy Series.
Did I miss Lead Actress or did they not bother considering it is a given?
Either way, Jill Soloway took home the gold for Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series again and considering she was a favourite, I’m still stuck in the red. Thanks Jill … but congratulations, I guess.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series is after the break, congratulations JLD!
Joel McHale and Kristen Bell are instantly here to test my skills with Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series going to Kate McKinnon. Shocking everyone, not least herself.
And I’m back in the red, fuck.
Julie Bowen and Matt LeBlanc are next up to test my bank balance with the award for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series.
Thankfully my boy Aziz won for Master of None – the best show on television/your computer – won and I’ve now got half of the winner’s right.
This recouped my previous loss.
Strong opening from Kimmel – you’re welcome.
Anthony Anderson and Tracee Ellis Ross are here to truly start the party with the award for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series which went to Louie Anderson out of nowhere, sending me into debt with my bookie already.
With that, I’m currently 0 from 1. If this blog cuts out, I can be found on a burner phone.
Marcia Clark joke? Again mine … but seriously, she isn’t the best of luck charms.
Cutting to Kit during the masturbation joke, mine. Also, what the hell is with my seat filler’s hair.
Kicking off with the Bronco chase – my idea, classic.
Modern Family, not my idea.
Carpool Karaoke, my idea … but with me involved.
Veep bit, mine and Tone’s. Game of Thrones bit, mine and Pete’s.
Entering the fray late is Laverne Cox, winning the award for best woman dressed like an Emmy.
And with that, I’m heading inside to see whether Kimmel lands my jokes.
Dual nominee Sarah Paulson has arrived looking absolutely stunning in a green Prada accompanied by the woman she portrayed to snag her first Emmy, Marcia Clark.
The Schumer sisters have arrived looking beautiful in black Vivienne Westwood fully recovered from the food poisoning I didn’t cause.
My ex-frenemy Claire Danes has arrived, taking Ellie Kemper’s look of dressing like an Emmy. Shockingly she is nominated again, given how terrible her toddler impression was.
James Corden is looking good – but let’s be honest, Terrence Howard and Tituss are the only ones I can remember not wearing the standard black tux.
Anthony Anderson is looking good, mixing it up with a black shirt while Rami Malek is rocking the Tituss, looking babin’ and hopefully about to take home his first Emmy.
Otherwise my mortgage is done … but anyway.
Terrence Howard has arrived to suffer through Juju. To be honest, Lucious has made me scared of Terrence, so his bravery is doing wonders for his image.
Speaking of nerves, Thomas Middleditch has arrived as a first time nominee for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy with the hair of a child on school photo day.
Sadly he makes it work.
Speaking of kids, Disney’s erstwhile Anna has arrived and is looking every bit the princess.
Bry has finally arrived and is well and truly proving his acting prowess, politely tolerating Juju. Obviously he is looking stunning, considering I acted as his stylist.
My dear Tituss Burgess has arrived – fun fact, we both share the talent for downing wine – looking fine, ready to snatch his first Emmy.
Regina King is looking stunning in a red Elizabeth Kennedy gown, Constance Zimmer is dominating in printed Monique Lhuillier – while Juju is pushing for her to produce her next reality show – and Matt LeBlanc is putting me to sleep.
I know we are close friends but Matt, get some energy!
Thankfully Emilia Clarke arrived to wake me up, brush off the casual sexism and stun in nude Versace.
Heidi is here … in one of her better red carpet looks. That is all.
Jerry Seinfeld has returned to the Emmys after a 19 year hiatus, sufferer through Juju with effortless charm.
Sophie Turner arrived wearing a Valentino nightie – think a black version of what Coco wore while being eliminated from Drag Race.
Maura Tierney arrived on foot as she was sick of sitting in traffic. That alone is enough for her to win in my eyes. The Christian Siriano is another win for her.
Ok – so have me all moved past the shock that Eleven is British and just how cute they are? Cool.
Nominee Keegan-Michael Key is here looking great … but why isn’t Juju telling me what he is wearing? Oh well … I’ll find out when I’m tidying all the clothes on my floor tomorrow.
Felicity Huffman and Bill Macy have arrived and continue to be the most adorable dual nominated couple.
STOP EVERYTHING THE CAST OF STRANGER THINGS ARE HERE.
My dear Tony Hale is here – sadly with his wife – looking rugged and beautiful in a tux.
FYI, I advised him to rock the beard. If he is around later he could join Kit and I.
Sterling K. Brown is looking great and acting humble – good luck tonight my love, I’ll catch you soon.
Sarah Hyland continues to be the most likeable cast member of Modern Family, winning my heart in Monique Lhuillier before Ariel Winter arrived looking beautiful and charming and making me awkward for sharing my Hyland love.
Another of my closest friends Tatiana Maslany – I need to catch-up with her soon – is looking stunning in a beautiful red Alexander Wang gown.
Shockingly none of her sestras showed up to offer her support. Happy birthday for Thursday Tat!
My dear friend Ellie Kemper is currently suffering through Ju and while she is following the Field of Dreams mantra – build it and they will come – dressed as an Emmy.
It works and I love her.
We are off and running with America Ferrera dropping by to suffer through Juju. Considering she completed a triathlon yesterday, she has suffered enough – free America!
Oh her dress? I’ve already forgotten.
Happy Emmy day everyone!
Hollywood’s lesser night of nights – despite it being the golden age of TV, TV is still scum, right – is finally upon us and a new batch of recipients are about to be awarded the highest honour of the small screen.
As I announced on Friday, I’m once again trying my hand at live blogging – this time with the 68th Primetime Emmy Awards – providing you with the insider gossip from an industry stalwart and close friend of the entire TV industry.
Once again, as well as attending I’m hosting the red carpet specials on E!, Bravo, ABC, Retirement Living, Dish Nation, The CW and Briz 31, acting as Kit’s double when the ceremony starts to drag / later tonight when he wants to celebrate and doctoring Kimmel’ script from the green room.
I will also be continuing my feud with Gugu-B Rancid?
So strap in and keep your mouse close to the refresh button as I take you inside the Emmys!
Image source: The Emmys.