Adam Scottch Eggs

Easter Meggstravaganza, Party Food, Snack

Step three is probably the easiest of Easter Meggstravaganza to follow through with; they aren’t struggling or near death and they aren’t overwhelmed by their hero status.

They are just a TV star (go to 4:08, JLD gets it), after all. Plus, Adam Scott is obsessively in love with both Annelie and I, and would do anything for us.

We first met Adam during our BAT period (Before Amy and Tina) when we were trying to Catfish Amy Poehler into befriending us. Well actually, we were aiming to enter into a polygamist marriage with her, but friendship would have been great. While this particular scheme didn’t bring us to Ames, it did bring us to Adam.

You see, Adam Scott was also catfishing us hoping that he could sleep his way to the top with our persona Anneljamin Juddailes: Record Producer, Hip-Hop Mogul and multiple Academy Award Winner.

It was a messy time for all of us, but after working through our feelings on a scrapped episode of TV Catfish (I refused to both put on pants and be pixellated) we became close friends and well, Adam fell for the people behind the masks.

With Parks and Rec recently finishing Adam called us to let us know that he, and I quote “had some time on his hands and wanted to put them to use,” which was the perfect opportunity for us to all whip up a batch of our famous post-coitus snack, Adam Scottch Eggs and help Meg return to greatness.

 

Adam Scottch Eggs_1

 

Scotch Eggs have a reputation for being quite simplistic or unrefined, but with the right blend of herbs and the addition of hot sauce they become the perfect accompaniment for a beer with a generous dollop of Coolaioli. Enjoy!

 

Adam Scottch Eggs_2

 

Adam Scottch Eggs
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
10 eggs
800g good pork sausages, skins removed
1 small onion, finely diced
1 small clove garlic
handful of chives, finely chopped
handful of parsley, finely chopped
generous pinch nutmeg
1 tbsp English Mustard
½ tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp Tabasco, or to taste
150g breadcrumbs
1-2 cups plain flour
vegetable oil, for frying

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Place eight of the eggs into a pot of cold water and boil for 3-4 minutes. Transfer to a bowl of cold water, peel when cooled and leave aside to dry.

Put the sausage meat into a large bowl with the herbs, nutmeg, mustard, paprika and tabasco and season with salt and pepper. Mix it all together well and separate into eight patties.

One at a time, flatten out the patties, place an egg inside and wrap the patty around until it is completely coated. Leave aside.

Get three small bowls out and place flour in one, breadcrumbs in another and beat the two eggs in the third.

Again, one at a time, roll each sausage/egg ball in flour, followed by the egg and then the breadcrumbs until they are all crumbed and ready to go.

Pour vegetable oil into a large pan until it is roughly 2cm deep and place on stove over medium-high heat. When the oil has come to heat, cook them in batches until the crumb is crisp and golden and then transfer to a lined baking sheet.

When all eggs have been lightly fried, place tray in the oven and bake for 10-15 minutes or until the eggs are browned and cooked through.

Devour.

Coolaioli

Condiment, Easter Meggstravaganza, Sauce

Step two is always a bit difficult, what with our friends not wanting to identify as a struggling musician. Did we not mention that was part of the ritual? Well it is.

Anyway, after much coercing (that briefly reunited us with our frenemy Michelle Pfeiffer) we were able to convince our dear friend Coolio that he was no longer really spending most if any of his life, living in a gangsta’s paradise and as such, he needed to help Meg reach redemption and hope she wants to help his re-ascent.

While Annelie was a close friend of Ice T growing up, I was a confidante and pseudo manager of Coolio and encouraged him to expand into film and television, helping him find employment on The Nanny and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and got him the gig/co-wrote the inspirational love theme of Dangerous Minds.

After my countless disappearances to prison and rehab, Coolio just kind of disappeared from the A-list but being the kind, warm man he is, he never held it against me.

He dropped by hoping to reconnect professionally and write the next It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp/Let It Go and eventually came around to helping us with Meg first before working on our Oscar winning song (I mean, we were always destined for one so why not give him that).

Plus, Coolio goes crazy for his condiments and the promise of our famous Coolaioli was enough to snag his help.

 

Coolaioli_1

 

I love an aioli that smacks you in the face with garlic and this one doesn’t disappoint. Seriously, I have the bruise to prove it. Enjoy…and be careful!

 

Coolaioli_2

 

Coolaioli

Ingredients
1 clove garlic, peeled
1 tsp sea salt, plus more to season
freshly ground black pepper, to season
1 large egg yolk
1 tsp Dijon mustard
500-575ml olive oil
lemon juice, to taste

Method
Smash up the garlic and salt in a pestle and mortar.

Place the egg yolk and mustard in a bowl and whisk together, then start to add your oils bit by bit (this is when you fall in love with your stand mixer all over again as your arm isn’t exhausted). Once you’ve blended in roughly half the oil, you can add the rest in a quicker, steady stream.

When the mixture thickens, add lemon juice. When the texture seems right (or all the oil is gone), add the garlic.

Season to taste and add more lemon juice if needed.

Devilled Meggs Ryan

Easter Meggstravaganza, Party Food, Snack

It is always a rush when following through on an egg-based ritual to return fame, foretold in a vision quest in Palm Springs, the celebrity desert.

For the past decade we have struggled with our dear friend Meg to find the correct celebs to force into helping our ritual to return us to the A-list, but alas it has only come true for two of us.

As we have known Meg for such a long time, having met her on the set of When a Man Loves a Woman (Annelie was her stunt double for the shower scene and I acted as her alcohol coach) and continued on as her personal security until we were fired for leaking stories to the tabloids and befriending her across the canyon neighbours, the T-Austins (in a dark period in our friendship, we egged her house).

Thankfully a desire for fame is a huge motivation for forgiveness and Meg never held a grudge and we still have fun with each other in the lead-up to our annual ritual.

In recent years Meg has been enjoying a slight career upswing, playing an obsessive stalker with OCD on Web Therapy (a role loosely based on one of my incarcerations) and we have taken it as a sign that she is on the precipice of returning to greatness. As such, we decided the best way to start this year’s ritual was with a batch of Sweet and Spicy Devilled Meggs Ryan.

 

Devilled Megs Ryan_1

 

The maple bacon counters the kick of heat and if our calculations are right, she should be having what we’re having…an A-list resurgence.

Enjoy!

 

Devilled Megs Ryan_2

 

Sweet and Spicy Devilled Megs Ryan
Makes: 12.

Ingredients
2 rashers streaky bacon
1 tbsp maple syrup
12 hard-boiled eggs, peeled
½ cup mayonnaise
1-2 tbsp Sriracha sauce
1 tsp Dijon mustard
2 tsp finely chopped tarragon
1 tbsp finely chopped chives

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C and line a tray with baking paper. While the oven is heating, marinate the bacon in the maple syrup. When the oven is at temperature, lay rashers on the tray until caramelised and crispy, should be about ten minutes. Remove from oven and set aside to cool.

Cut all the eggs in half lengthways and remove the yolk to a bowl. Mash all of the yolks until smooth-ish and then mix in the mayo, sriracha, mustard and herbs. Season to taste.

Spoon the yolk mixture back into each egg cavity and place on the serving plate.

Finely chop the maple bacon and sprinkle over the eggs. Devour and know that phase one was a success.

The 11th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza

Easter Meggstravaganza, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

For the last ten years, Annelie and I have been catching up with Meg Ryan around Easter in an effort to breathe new life into our fading careers.

You see Meg had just bombed in the shamefully Oscar-and-audience-snubbed Against the Ropes and we had just been sent back to court ordered rehab in Malibu (we had declared bankruptcy, were homeless and committed a crime to wind up at our home away from home Promises).

Following the bomb/exiting rehab, we all caught up in Palm Springs and went on a peyote triggering vision quest that foretold our return to fame and glory if we performed an annual worship of eggs, lining up with lunar cycles in March/April.

It was a ridiculously specific vision quest and, don’t mean to blow our own trumpets, clearly worked for us. Being scared to lose our fame and wanting to help Meg find redemption, we will continue on with our (now 11th) Annual Easter Meggstravaganza.

Now to line up the remaining ingredients for the ritual; a struggling musician, a successful TV star, a shockingly-still-living legend and, of course, a hero. How do we choose the vital players?

Picture source: Screenshot of The Simpsons Movie.

Benjamin Salisbury Steaks

Main

Ladies and gentlemen, this week Annelie and I were dealt with a soul-crushingly abrupt plot twist!

Benjamin Salisbury has settled his feud with Shaughnessy.

I know! Sometimes life is hard to take, but sit down and let the shock wash over you.

At first, obviously, we acted like Lisa Rinna in Amsterdam and gave him a verbal beat down for showing up at the AB not C AGM to help us mend fences with Charles but after some Arianna approved meditation (that we learnt during a stint of court ordered anger management) and a wine, we were able to see the light and realise that moving on was maybe for the best.

(Our long running feud started back when we commenced working as slap-designers on Days of Our Lives in the late 80s. The role of young Shane Donovan came up for a series of flashbacks where Charles actively campaigned against me getting the role as I was too melodramatic and too into heroin).

Benjamin was such a sweetheart, sitting with us calmly over a meal of Benjamin Salisbury Steaks to help us through the hurt of the past and find a way to let go of the anger we had felt, and like that a relationship built on hate, finally became one of love and self improvement.

 

Benjamin Salisbury Steaks_1

 

While it may not win any awards for appearance or class, the dish is rich, comforting and has enough heat to give you a kick. In our case, in the right direction.

Now to call Charles, maybe Ben will mediate our meeting?

Enjoy!

 

Benjamin Salisbury Steaks_2

 

Benjamin Salisbury Steaks
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
40g French onion soup powder (yes, the packet stuff. Don’t judge)
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 egg
¼ tsp garlic salt
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
1 tbsp chives, finely chopped
2 tbsp sherry
¾ cup water
2 tsp sour cream
butter, for frying
extra chives, to garnish

Method
In a large bowl combine mince, 1 ½ tbsp soup powder, soy, egg, garlic salt, cayenne and chives. Divide into four thick, equal patties and leave to sit  in the fridge for half an hour.

Blend remaining soup powder and sherry and leave to sit.

Heat the butter in a large frying pan and fry patties (which you’ve obviously taken out of the fridge) for roughly five minutes each side, depending on how well done you want them. This will make them medium. Anyway, once fried remove to a plate and keep warm.

Pour water into the still on pan to deglaze. Stir in the soup powder and sherry and bring to the boil until thick. Remove from heat and mix through the sour cream.

Serve the patties over some nice creamy mashed potatoes, generously drown in the sauce and garnish with chives.

Then devour and resent yourself for judging the appearance of the dish and the inclusion of powdered soup.

Style, flair and finally (t)here

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

You all know that we spent some time working with the flashy girl who worked in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens (where my feud with Shaughnessy commenced), but we never got into the details of our close, unshakeable bond with Benjamin “Brighton the Titan” Salisbury.

We first connected as a threesome (an albeit G rated one) when we joined Shaughnessy feud forces and founded The Nanny’s AB not C club, where anyone with a name starting with C was banned. While most people felt it was inappropriate and bullying, it kept us away from Charles and we didn’t care.

Ben is in town for the club’s AGM, where we spend the day drinking and bitching mercilessly about Chuck the fuck, so we decided to make a week of it and celebrate the 22 years of our friendship.

What says we may have been united by mutual loathing but your friendship over the last two decades has meant the world to us?

Shit, when did we get so sentimental? Mutual rage really bonds, I guess.

Picture source: Unknown.

Cara-mel Gibson Slice

Dessert, Sweets

Mel is wild and everytime we hang out is like a ride through the outback with Max. That being said, the man helped give us a start in Hollywood and we will always be grateful for that, regardless of our personal feelings about things that he has said. Plus, he loves us without judgement.

Mel dropped by for afternoon tea (none of us felt booze and a barbie would end well for any of us) to catch-up on our years apart since ‘Pet Name-gate’ and his fall from grace. We filled him in on our stratospheric comeback and discussed some ideas to help with his.

While he had a bizarre opinion on BOAW2: ROTF (that it was a terrible idea), the man is an old family friend (we first met following my sister befriending his daughter on a Sydney beach) and we will turn the other cheek and even thank him when we are winning Best Screenplay, Best Actress for Golds and Best Supporting Actress and Actor for Annelie and I.

It wasn’t even enough to turn the sweet Cara-Mel Gibson Slice, or the afternoon, bitter.

 

Cara-Mel Gibson Slice_1

 

The simple rustic charm of the slice acted as a symbol of our relationship with Mel; while it can change over the years through reinvention or duplicity (working with Katie Holmes), when we get back to the basics, it is beautiful and perfect.

Enjoy!

 

Cara-Mel Gibson Slice_2

 

Caramel Gibson Slice
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
Base and Filling
1 cup plain flour
½ cup dark brown sugar
½ cup shredded coconut
125g melted butter
60g butter
2 tbsp golden syrup
395g condensed milk

Topping
125g cooking chocolate, milk
60g copha

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C and line a 28cm x 18cm slice tray with baking paper.

Sift flour into the bowl and mix in sugar and coconut, and then melted butter. Press mixture into tray and bake for 15 minutes or until golden.

While the base is baking, melt the remaining butter over low heat in a small saucepan. Stir in syrup and condensed milk. Heat for a minute or two until the colour darkens slightly and remove from heat.

When base is ready, pour filling over the cooked base and return to the oven for 8-10 minutes or until it has darkened and started to bubble on the top. Remove from oven and set aside.

While the slice is cooling, place the chocolate (broken into pieces) and diced copha into a microwave safe bowl and melt in 10-20 second bursts until melted. Once done, give it a good stir and pour over the slice spreading so that it even. Chill for a few hours, then devour.

Before slicing, run the knife under hot water (and then dry it, obviously) to avoid the chocolate cracking.

What’s in a nickname aka the saga of Sugar Tits

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

We disassociated ourselves from our friend Mel during his tumultuous years. It wasn’t the kindest thing to do, but with our criminal past in Hollywood, we felt it best to stay away from bad influences when we were trying to piece our lives back together.

Plus, Sugar Tits is his pet name for us and using it on someone else is abhorrent…and a kick to our self-esteem.

Mel has worked hard to pull himself back up and we have a killer idea for a Bird on a Wire sequel, so thought we should catch-up and see if we can give him a hand getting his career back on track.

What says we would be perfect to play the twin children of you and Goldie in future Academy Award winning, Bird on a Wire 2: Rise of the Flock?

Picture source: Dan Steinberg/Invision/AP.

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm

Breakfast

What do I..? Where..?

I just don’t even know where to start.

Jon Hamm, damn. Hot damn. Jon dropped by a couple of nights ago to relax, celebrate his birthday and release some tension/let off some steam (his words).

Annelie and I first met Jon while we were all working in porn, he designed sets while we wrote scripts, provided catering and acted as fluffers, if needed. Obviously, both Annelie and I fell passionately in love with Jon and worked to be his lovers.

I won’t go into the specifics, but the eventual arrangement lead to the plot of Big Love.

Emphasis on big.

Yesterday morning, I got to work making Jon a nice filling breakfast (Annelie was busy/I locked her out of my house and kept Jon’s visit a secret…I will probably regret this) to give him the energy he needed to get through his, work, for the day. Given that we had plenty of sausage in the house, I opted for a nice generous serve of Green Eggs and Jon Hamm.

 

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm_1

 

We had leftover pesto from our last catch-up with Toni Basil, so we added some parmesan to the eggs and mixed it through with some diced ham. With a squeeze of lemon juice, it was as perfect as the night before.

Enjoy! You know we did. It was a happy birthday for Jon indeed!

 

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm_2

 

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
6 eggs
6 slices ham, diced
2 tbsp pesto
2 tbsp grated parmesan
4 slices sourdough, toasted
butter, to serve (and cook)
salt and pepper, to season
lemon, quartered, to serve

Method
Crack all the eggs into a medium bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper, ham, pesto and parmesan and give them a good whisk.

In a medium pan, melt roughly a tablespoon of butter over medium/low heat until hot and foamy. Pour egg mixture into the pan and let them bubble for roughly ten seconds.

In sweeping motions, go from the edge of the pan to the centre until the eggs are slowly cooked (basically, this technique from 1:50-2:10ish). Make sure you stop while they are still moist, as they will continue to cook from the heat while you butter your toast

On that note, at some point toast your bread, but I am sure you could figure that part out.

To serve, place your toast on a plate and top with the eggs and a wedge of lemon on the side. Again, I am sure you could have figured that out.

Sausage is optional and was fantastic.

Hamming it up

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Some of our catch-ups have been for reconnecting, others to help our friends back into the limelight and others have been about burying feuds (rather than hatchets into backs), this week’s catch-up feels different. More meaningful. Sexier.

Our dear friend and sometime lover, Jon Hamm gave us a call hoping to drop by and quote, un-quote “relax and relieve some stress after wrapping Mad Men.”

I will leave it up to your imagination as to what he means, God knows I am getting imaginative.

What says, thanks for…well, thanks for everything? Everything.

Picture source: Vanity Fair.