Actor

Coolaioli

Condiment, Easter Meggstravaganza, Sauce

Step two is always a bit difficult, what with our friends not wanting to identify as a struggling musician. Did we not mention that was part of the ritual? Well it is.

Anyway, after much coercing (that briefly reunited us with our frenemy Michelle Pfeiffer) we were able to convince our dear friend Coolio that he was no longer really spending most if any of his life, living in a gangsta’s paradise and as such, he needed to help Meg reach redemption and hope she wants to help his re-ascent.

While Annelie was a close friend of Ice T growing up, I was a confidante and pseudo manager of Coolio and encouraged him to expand into film and television, helping him find employment on The Nanny and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and got him the gig/co-wrote the inspirational love theme of Dangerous Minds.

After my countless disappearances to prison and rehab, Coolio just kind of disappeared from the A-list but being the kind, warm man he is, he never held it against me.

He dropped by hoping to reconnect professionally and write the next It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp/Let It Go and eventually came around to helping us with Meg first before working on our Oscar winning song (I mean, we were always destined for one so why not give him that).

Plus, Coolio goes crazy for his condiments and the promise of our famous Coolaioli was enough to snag his help.

 

Coolaioli_1

 

I love an aioli that smacks you in the face with garlic and this one doesn’t disappoint. Seriously, I have the bruise to prove it. Enjoy…and be careful!

 

Coolaioli_2

 

Coolaioli

Ingredients
1 clove garlic, peeled
1 tsp sea salt, plus more to season
freshly ground black pepper, to season
1 large egg yolk
1 tsp Dijon mustard
500-575ml olive oil
lemon juice, to taste

Method
Smash up the garlic and salt in a pestle and mortar.

Place the egg yolk and mustard in a bowl and whisk together, then start to add your oils bit by bit (this is when you fall in love with your stand mixer all over again as your arm isn’t exhausted). Once you’ve blended in roughly half the oil, you can add the rest in a quicker, steady stream.

When the mixture thickens, add lemon juice. When the texture seems right (or all the oil is gone), add the garlic.

Season to taste and add more lemon juice if needed.

Benjamin Salisbury Steaks

Main

Ladies and gentlemen, this week Annelie and I were dealt with a soul-crushingly abrupt plot twist!

Benjamin Salisbury has settled his feud with Shaughnessy.

I know! Sometimes life is hard to take, but sit down and let the shock wash over you.

At first, obviously, we acted like Lisa Rinna in Amsterdam and gave him a verbal beat down for showing up at the AB not C AGM to help us mend fences with Charles but after some Arianna approved meditation (that we learnt during a stint of court ordered anger management) and a wine, we were able to see the light and realise that moving on was maybe for the best.

(Our long running feud started back when we commenced working as slap-designers on Days of Our Lives in the late 80s. The role of young Shane Donovan came up for a series of flashbacks where Charles actively campaigned against me getting the role as I was too melodramatic and too into heroin).

Benjamin was such a sweetheart, sitting with us calmly over a meal of Benjamin Salisbury Steaks to help us through the hurt of the past and find a way to let go of the anger we had felt, and like that a relationship built on hate, finally became one of love and self improvement.

 

Benjamin Salisbury Steaks_1

 

While it may not win any awards for appearance or class, the dish is rich, comforting and has enough heat to give you a kick. In our case, in the right direction.

Now to call Charles, maybe Ben will mediate our meeting?

Enjoy!

 

Benjamin Salisbury Steaks_2

 

Benjamin Salisbury Steaks
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
40g French onion soup powder (yes, the packet stuff. Don’t judge)
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 egg
¼ tsp garlic salt
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
1 tbsp chives, finely chopped
2 tbsp sherry
¾ cup water
2 tsp sour cream
butter, for frying
extra chives, to garnish

Method
In a large bowl combine mince, 1 ½ tbsp soup powder, soy, egg, garlic salt, cayenne and chives. Divide into four thick, equal patties and leave to sit  in the fridge for half an hour.

Blend remaining soup powder and sherry and leave to sit.

Heat the butter in a large frying pan and fry patties (which you’ve obviously taken out of the fridge) for roughly five minutes each side, depending on how well done you want them. This will make them medium. Anyway, once fried remove to a plate and keep warm.

Pour water into the still on pan to deglaze. Stir in the soup powder and sherry and bring to the boil until thick. Remove from heat and mix through the sour cream.

Serve the patties over some nice creamy mashed potatoes, generously drown in the sauce and garnish with chives.

Then devour and resent yourself for judging the appearance of the dish and the inclusion of powdered soup.

Style, flair and finally (t)here

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

You all know that we spent some time working with the flashy girl who worked in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens (where my feud with Shaughnessy commenced), but we never got into the details of our close, unshakeable bond with Benjamin “Brighton the Titan” Salisbury.

We first connected as a threesome (an albeit G rated one) when we joined Shaughnessy feud forces and founded The Nanny’s AB not C club, where anyone with a name starting with C was banned. While most people felt it was inappropriate and bullying, it kept us away from Charles and we didn’t care.

Ben is in town for the club’s AGM, where we spend the day drinking and bitching mercilessly about Chuck the fuck, so we decided to make a week of it and celebrate the 22 years of our friendship.

What says we may have been united by mutual loathing but your friendship over the last two decades has meant the world to us?

Shit, when did we get so sentimental? Mutual rage really bonds, I guess.

Picture source: Unknown.

Cara-mel Gibson Slice

Dessert, Sweets

Mel is wild and everytime we hang out is like a ride through the outback with Max. That being said, the man helped give us a start in Hollywood and we will always be grateful for that, regardless of our personal feelings about things that he has said. Plus, he loves us without judgement.

Mel dropped by for afternoon tea (none of us felt booze and a barbie would end well for any of us) to catch-up on our years apart since ‘Pet Name-gate’ and his fall from grace. We filled him in on our stratospheric comeback and discussed some ideas to help with his.

While he had a bizarre opinion on BOAW2: ROTF (that it was a terrible idea), the man is an old family friend (we first met following my sister befriending his daughter on a Sydney beach) and we will turn the other cheek and even thank him when we are winning Best Screenplay, Best Actress for Golds and Best Supporting Actress and Actor for Annelie and I.

It wasn’t even enough to turn the sweet Cara-Mel Gibson Slice, or the afternoon, bitter.

 

Cara-Mel Gibson Slice_1

 

The simple rustic charm of the slice acted as a symbol of our relationship with Mel; while it can change over the years through reinvention or duplicity (working with Katie Holmes), when we get back to the basics, it is beautiful and perfect.

Enjoy!

 

Cara-Mel Gibson Slice_2

 

Caramel Gibson Slice
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
Base and Filling
1 cup plain flour
½ cup dark brown sugar
½ cup shredded coconut
125g melted butter
60g butter
2 tbsp golden syrup
395g condensed milk

Topping
125g cooking chocolate, milk
60g copha

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C and line a 28cm x 18cm slice tray with baking paper.

Sift flour into the bowl and mix in sugar and coconut, and then melted butter. Press mixture into tray and bake for 15 minutes or until golden.

While the base is baking, melt the remaining butter over low heat in a small saucepan. Stir in syrup and condensed milk. Heat for a minute or two until the colour darkens slightly and remove from heat.

When base is ready, pour filling over the cooked base and return to the oven for 8-10 minutes or until it has darkened and started to bubble on the top. Remove from oven and set aside.

While the slice is cooling, place the chocolate (broken into pieces) and diced copha into a microwave safe bowl and melt in 10-20 second bursts until melted. Once done, give it a good stir and pour over the slice spreading so that it even. Chill for a few hours, then devour.

Before slicing, run the knife under hot water (and then dry it, obviously) to avoid the chocolate cracking.

What’s in a nickname aka the saga of Sugar Tits

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

We disassociated ourselves from our friend Mel during his tumultuous years. It wasn’t the kindest thing to do, but with our criminal past in Hollywood, we felt it best to stay away from bad influences when we were trying to piece our lives back together.

Plus, Sugar Tits is his pet name for us and using it on someone else is abhorrent…and a kick to our self-esteem.

Mel has worked hard to pull himself back up and we have a killer idea for a Bird on a Wire sequel, so thought we should catch-up and see if we can give him a hand getting his career back on track.

What says we would be perfect to play the twin children of you and Goldie in future Academy Award winning, Bird on a Wire 2: Rise of the Flock?

Picture source: Dan Steinberg/Invision/AP.

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm

Breakfast

What do I..? Where..?

I just don’t even know where to start.

Jon Hamm, damn. Hot damn. Jon dropped by a couple of nights ago to relax, celebrate his birthday and release some tension/let off some steam (his words).

Annelie and I first met Jon while we were all working in porn, he designed sets while we wrote scripts, provided catering and acted as fluffers, if needed. Obviously, both Annelie and I fell passionately in love with Jon and worked to be his lovers.

I won’t go into the specifics, but the eventual arrangement lead to the plot of Big Love.

Emphasis on big.

Yesterday morning, I got to work making Jon a nice filling breakfast (Annelie was busy/I locked her out of my house and kept Jon’s visit a secret…I will probably regret this) to give him the energy he needed to get through his, work, for the day. Given that we had plenty of sausage in the house, I opted for a nice generous serve of Green Eggs and Jon Hamm.

 

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm_1

 

We had leftover pesto from our last catch-up with Toni Basil, so we added some parmesan to the eggs and mixed it through with some diced ham. With a squeeze of lemon juice, it was as perfect as the night before.

Enjoy! You know we did. It was a happy birthday for Jon indeed!

 

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm_2

 

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
6 eggs
6 slices ham, diced
2 tbsp pesto
2 tbsp grated parmesan
4 slices sourdough, toasted
butter, to serve (and cook)
salt and pepper, to season
lemon, quartered, to serve

Method
Crack all the eggs into a medium bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper, ham, pesto and parmesan and give them a good whisk.

In a medium pan, melt roughly a tablespoon of butter over medium/low heat until hot and foamy. Pour egg mixture into the pan and let them bubble for roughly ten seconds.

In sweeping motions, go from the edge of the pan to the centre until the eggs are slowly cooked (basically, this technique from 1:50-2:10ish). Make sure you stop while they are still moist, as they will continue to cook from the heat while you butter your toast

On that note, at some point toast your bread, but I am sure you could figure that part out.

To serve, place your toast on a plate and top with the eggs and a wedge of lemon on the side. Again, I am sure you could have figured that out.

Sausage is optional and was fantastic.

Hamming it up

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Some of our catch-ups have been for reconnecting, others to help our friends back into the limelight and others have been about burying feuds (rather than hatchets into backs), this week’s catch-up feels different. More meaningful. Sexier.

Our dear friend and sometime lover, Jon Hamm gave us a call hoping to drop by and quote, un-quote “relax and relieve some stress after wrapping Mad Men.”

I will leave it up to your imagination as to what he means, God knows I am getting imaginative.

What says, thanks for…well, thanks for everything? Everything.

Picture source: Vanity Fair.

Everybody loves Bacon

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Despite the rumours and well, the implication of our title, we are not hungry for fame. It is simply a hilarious play on the fact that we bake like mofos and are friends with hundreds upon hundreds of famous people.

That being said, there was a time we would do anything to be famous and that is where our next friend comes in.

When we were young ingenues in the early nineties, Kevin Bacon was doing the rounds for The River Wild boasting of his interconnectedness and within minutes, we were at his door pledging our undying allegiance.

After a couple of arrests for stalking and three incidents with his pet rabbits, he let us into his life, heart, home and we have been close ever since.

What says thanks for helping us out when we were younger (and obviously thank you to Stockholm syndrome, as without you we would not have many friends)?

Picture source: The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon/YouTube.

Nicolas Cajun Chicken Tenders

Oscar Gold

As far as Academy Award Winning dynasties go, the Coppola-Schwartzman-Cages are by far our favourite. We first integrated into the family after working as ghostwriters on the Nicolas Cage star vehicle (and grossly overlooked Best Adapted Screenplay contender) Valley Girl in the early eighties and have been considered members of the family ever since.

We also ghostwrote The Godfather trilogy, but that is another story for another time about another missed shot at Oscar Gold!

Nicolas dropped by unannounced, I assume as he sensed we would be celebrating the Oscars and he would want to help us find a way to move past our feud with the other great acting dynasty, the Shues.

As Nic, like us, is completely jane-o insane-o we decided it best to whip up something hot and spicy and see where the visit took us, so went with a batch of our Nicolas Cajun Chicken Tenders to discuss the Best Screenplay nominees.

 

Nicolas Cajun Chicken Tenders_1

 

The heat and spice hits you straight up, but is mellowed out by a garnish of yoghurt, lime and sweat-lodge spooning with Cage.

Enjoy…we sure did!

 

Nicolas Cajun Chicken Tenders_2

Nicholas Cajun Chicken Tenders
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
1 tsp sweet paprika
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp dried thyme
½ tsp cayenne pepper
½ tsp ground black pepper
1 tbs vegetable oil (olive will do in a pinch)
1 tbs citrus juice (I prefer lime, but lemon would do)
2 chicken breasts
Lime wedges, sliced red chili and natural yoghurt, to serve

Method
Slice chicken breasts into long, 3cm strips to resemble a chicken tender.

Combine spices, herbs, oil and juice in a large enough bowl to marinate the chicken and place chicken in said bowl and coat. Cover with clingfilm and place in fridge for an hour or so to do the aforementioned marinating (Yes it is more of a spice rub, but whatever…I like to let my breasts stew).

Pre-heat oven to 180°C and remove chicken from fridge to come to room temperature for ten-fifteen minutes.

Spread chicken strips across a large lined baking tray and bake for roughly 20 minutes until golden and crisp.

Serve with lime wedges, chillies and yoghurt.

Or Lupita Nymang’o Salad.

Sean JalaPenn-o Poppers

Oscar Gold

To kick off Oscar Gold week, we thought it best to catch-up with two time winner and dear friend from our childhood trailer-park, Sean Penn.

After Jefferson-ing our way up and out of the park, we reconnected with Sean when we worked as Tom Cruise’s stilts on Risky Business and we’re inseparable for decades, with us playing a pivotal role in his charity work (slash community service, for us) in Haiti.

He is just the greatest and we would go as far as to call him our third favourite person that lives in a trailer. That is a huge deal.

Despite not having seen each other since we were thrown off the set of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty for stalking Kristen Wiig (we wanted her to be spokesmodel for our wig line), Sean was eager to drop by and park his motorhome in Annelie’s yard.

In honour of the feisty spirit of our friendship (and our mutual love of booze and booze related food), we decided to serve up a plate of Sean JalaPenn-o Poppers while we discussed this year’s winner odds (Best Actor may have an upset, according to our bookie).

Oh yeah, we also bonded over our love of blackmarket gambling.

 

Sean JalaPenn-o Poppers_1

 

The cream cheese counteracts the heat of the  jalapeños, while the garlic and paprika add a subtle depth. Plus, there is bacon and bacon in glorious. Enjoy!

 

Sean JalaPenn-o Poppers_2

 

Sean JalaPenn-o Poppers
Serves: 6…or 1? No judgement.

Ingredients
12 fresh jalapeños, cut across the top and deseeded
6 rashers streaky bacon, finely diced
250g cream cheese, softened to room temperature
1 clove garlic, crushed
½ tsp smoked paprika
1 cup flour
1 cup dry bread crumbs
1 egg, whisked
vegetable oil for frying, optional

Method
Fry bacon for 3-5 minutes or until lightly crisped. Leave to cool slightly.

In a medium bowl, mix cream cheese, garlic, paprika and cooled bacon.

One at a time, take a  jalapeño and spoon filling into the large end. Replace the tip and repeat until all of the  jalapeños are filled.

Refrigerate for 30 minutes.

In three separate bowls, place flour, breadcrumbs and egg. Take jalapeños and one at a time lightly score the skin before covering with flour, dipping them in the egg wash and coating them with the breadcrumbs. Repeat until complete and then refrigerate for a further 30 minutes.

You can either fry or bake the  jalapeños, I generally bake them as I am lazy / shouldn’t be trusted with hot oil. If baking, they take about fifteen minutes at 200°C. If frying, heat about an inch of oil in a large saucepan until it is hot. Then fry jalapeños one at a time until they are golden and crisp.