Condiment

Howie Doriesling Gravy

Backstreet's back give thanks!, Condiment, Dip, Side

Oh em gee – where do I start telling you about our friendship with Howie D? While most people spent the 90s jonesing for our rehab-roomie Nicky Carts, I spent my time lusting after the sexiest Puerto Rican this side of EPCOT.

Our relationship started like a passionate, gender-flipped version of West Side Story until Howie discovered I wasn’t a woman and gently explained that he didn’t reciprocate my love.

After a brief period apart, we were reunited by Annelie (who was more successful in bedding him) and our close bond was restored – fun fact, As Long As You Love Me is about my friendship with Howie.

Lacking any meaning in his life after his break-up with Annelie, we helped Howie back on the right path (not stuff) and introduced him to some of our friends and ta-dah, that is how Backstreet Boys were formed.

As a reminder, you really should be thankful for our work in building a boy band!

While Howie and my love fizzled out, nothing could come between us and our passionate love of guzzling sweet, salty, creamy liquid … like our Howie Doriesling Gravy.

 

Howie Doriesling Gravy_1

 

While riesling is literally the worst wine excluding moscato, it works in the gravy by cutting through the salty pan juices and bone broth. It is so good, you’ll even consider having it with meat rather than in a glass.

Enjoy!

 

Howie Doriesling Gravy_2

 

Howie Doriesling Gravy
Makes: 2-3 cups.

Ingredients
1 tbsp olive oil
turkey neck and giblets (from the turkey we are yet to cook)
1 onion, diced
1 carrot, diced
3 cups chicken stock
1 cup Riesling
3 tbsp unsalted butter
¼ cup flour
¼ cup flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
2 stems rosemary, leaves removed and finely chopped
3 sprigs fresh thyme, leaves removed and finely chopped

Method
Heat oil in a large saucepan and fry the turkey neck and giblets with the onions and carrots until lightly browned. Add the chicken stock and bring to the boil. Reduce to a simmer and cook for an hour. Strain the liquid, discarding the solids and refrigerate until ready to use.

While the turkey (which we are about to make) rests, empty the pan drippings into a measuring cup and place in the freezer for 15 minutes. Remove and skim off the fat.

Use the riesling to deglaze the roasting pan over medium heat. Add in both the giblet stock and pan drippings and bring to a simmer. Once bubbling as vigorously as a Backstreet concert, whisk in the butter and the flour. Continue stirring until the gravy is thickened and remove from heat.

Stir in chopped herbs and add salt and pepper to taste. Drink … or serve with turkey.

About that …

 

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Harissa Oleynik

Condiment, Sauce

If there is one person that epitomised the nineties (excluding our friends in West Beverly, obviously) and my brief self-perceived heterosexuality, it is our close friend Larisa Oleynik.

Larisa, the queen of hats and turning herself in to puddles of goop, was the biggest star of the nineties for the after school TV set with her blistering portrayal of Alex Mack and her struggles to rebuild her life after a crippling accident where she was doused by a secret chemical.

Annelie and I were hired by Nickelodeon as scientific advisors on the show and quickly bonded with Larisa as, let’s be honest, no one else on set could match our beautiful, beautiful minds.

Believing myself to be straight, I quickly tried to woo Larisa by getting her a part in our film The Baby-Sitters Club (Annelie and I wrote the script … as well as the book series it was based on) during a break between our seasons – she noticed my searing chemistry with Austin O’Brien, whom we had met on the set of My Girl 2, and helped me come to terms with my penchant for peen.

This in turn led to her casting in 10 Things I Hate About You where I enlisted her help in wooing Andrew Keegan – we were part of Allison Janney’s entourage, after her casting in a role that we campaigned our dear friend Heath to get included, which was based on us.

We have hung out with Larisa in a while, she reached out upon hearing we were trying to scam Andrew Keegan and wanted in on our revenge plot and to have a documented catch-up.

While I discovered Larisa couldn’t light my fire back in the nineties, the Harissa Oleynik that we used to put on everything we ate sure could!

 

Harissa Oleynik_1

 

The North African chilli paste is versatile (like … nevermind, I don’t Keegs and tell); adding a kick to a tajine or *gasp* soup (you know we love heat here), or even just mixed with some natural yoghurt to garnish kofte.

See, versatile. Enjoy!

 

Harissa Oleynik_2

 

Harissa Oleynik
Makes: ½ a cup (ish)

Ingredients
10 large red chillies
3 garlic cloves, peeled
½ lemon, juiced
1 tbsp red wine vinegar
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp salt

Method
Halve the chillies, discarding the seeds from half and discard.

Place all the ingredients in a small food processor and blitz until a smooth paste forms.

Alternately you can use a mortar and pestle and pound it, hard, until a paste forms … but who can be bothered unless they are working through some anger or trying to woo someone using a naked chef seduction technique.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Dulce de Nick Lachey

Condiment, Dip, Sauce, Sweets

Remember in 2003 when Annelie and I took the world by storm as co-stars in the critically acclaimed reality series Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica?

Oh that’s right, we were edited out by the vengeful and aggressive Jessica Simpson for feeding her some of her most iconic lines to make her look stupid and undermine the legitimacy of the marriage (she actually has a PHD from Oxford and Annelie was trying to annul their marriage to get Nick all to herself, girl loves a boyband and the other Nick escaped from her basement).

While we have been embroiled in a private war with Jessica for the last decade (it has escalated to the point where she threw acid at Ben when they bumped into each other at Pump last year), our friendship with Nick and his dear, beautiful and superior second wife Vanessa couldn’t be stronger.

Nicky and Vanny were in town hoping to brainstorm ideas for a new reality format about finding the next 98 degrees, titled 39°C: So hot you’ve got a fever. It is essentially like every other reality show except it has likeable people with questionable talent.

We were so excited about our brilliant idea /  next venture, that I quickly whipped up a batch of our Dulce de Nick Lachey, which you just know was invented as a body caramel.

 

Dulce de Nick Lachey_1

 

This is literally the easiest thing in the world to make and instantly makes everything in your life better.

Enjoy!

 

Dulce de Nick Lachey_2

 

Dulce de Nick Lachey
Makes: 2 cups.

Ingredients
2 x 395g cans sweetened condensed milk

Method
Preheat oven to 220°C.

Place the condensed milk in a small baking dish and cover with a sheet of baking paper, pressing it directly on top of the condensed milk. Cover tightly with foil and place inside a large, deep baking tray so you can make a water bath. Fill the larger tray with boiling water, two-thirds up the side of the dish.

Cook for 1 ½  hours or until gold in colour. Pour the caramel into a large bowl and whisk until smooth.

Make sure you keep an eye on the water while it is cooking. If it dries out the caramel will burn and then, obviously, be ruined.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Spicy TomaJones Sauce

Condiment, Sauce

International sex-bomb, past-TB sufferer and rugged love beast are but a few of the ways to describe our dear friend and saucy ex-lover, Tom Jones.

We first met Sir Tom when he was jonesing for us after we invented the knicker-throw at his gig at the Copacabana in 1968. Infatuated (and clearly driven wild by my man musk), we developed and deep and passionately love affair for the following decades.

It ended after I found out he was also bedding Annelie. We were both able to move past the pain and the hurt with a series of catfights, which led to us collaborating on the hit show Dynasty. It was hella cathartic.

While neither of us has felt able to rekindle that special relationship with Tom, we have grown closer in our mutual disdain for the Cardigans (they burned bridges with Tom, as well as houses).

Tom was in town for the night to work on a spin off for Theme Song Guy and start work on the sequel to What’s new pussycat? tentatively titled, What’s even newer pussycat? He was flying off to have a meat pie with Jessie J on the set of The Voice today, so we quickly whipped him up a batch of our Spicy TomaJones Sauce to take with him.

 

Spicy TomaJones Sauce_1

 

Like most things, we like to add a kick of heat to our tommy sauce. If for no other reason than Tommy gives a kick to our pants. In a good way.

Enjoy! Hopefully this can start to mend our feud with Jessie J?

 

Spicy TomaJones Sauce_2

 

Spicy TomaJones Sauce
Makes: 1-2 cups.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
2 cloves garlic, peeled and whole
1 small onion, finely diced
1 tsp chilli flakes
2 tbsp vermouth
2 x 400g cans chopped tomatoes
1 tsp sea salt flakes
1 tsp muscovado sugar
2-4 sprigs thyme

Method
Heat oil in a large saucepan/deepish frying pan over medium heat and fry off the garlic, onion and chilli flakes for a couple of minutes. Add vermouth and cook off for a minute.

Reduce heat to low and add the tinned tomatoes, salt, sugar and thyme and simmer for 10-15 minutes or until slightly reduced. (Note: trust your gut, not my timings as I’m not the best judge of time or temperature on the stovetop).

Once reduced, remove from heat and leave to cool for about half an hour. Blitz and ready to devour. If you feel the sauce is too runny, return to the heat and reduce further until at your desired consistency.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Coolaioli

Condiment, Easter Meggstravaganza, Sauce

Step two is always a bit difficult, what with our friends not wanting to identify as a struggling musician. Did we not mention that was part of the ritual? Well it is.

Anyway, after much coercing (that briefly reunited us with our frenemy Michelle Pfeiffer) we were able to convince our dear friend Coolio that he was no longer really spending most if any of his life, living in a gangsta’s paradise and as such, he needed to help Meg reach redemption and hope she wants to help his re-ascent.

While Annelie was a close friend of Ice T growing up, I was a confidante and pseudo manager of Coolio and encouraged him to expand into film and television, helping him find employment on The Nanny and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and got him the gig/co-wrote the inspirational love theme of Dangerous Minds.

After my countless disappearances to prison and rehab, Coolio just kind of disappeared from the A-list but being the kind, warm man he is, he never held it against me.

He dropped by hoping to reconnect professionally and write the next It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp/Let It Go and eventually came around to helping us with Meg first before working on our Oscar winning song (I mean, we were always destined for one so why not give him that).

Plus, Coolio goes crazy for his condiments and the promise of our famous Coolaioli was enough to snag his help.

 

Coolaioli_1

 

I love an aioli that smacks you in the face with garlic and this one doesn’t disappoint. Seriously, I have the bruise to prove it. Enjoy…and be careful!

 

Coolaioli_2

 

Coolaioli

Ingredients
1 clove garlic, peeled
1 tsp sea salt, plus more to season
freshly ground black pepper, to season
1 large egg yolk
1 tsp Dijon mustard
500-575ml olive oil
lemon juice, to taste

Method
Smash up the garlic and salt in a pestle and mortar.

Place the egg yolk and mustard in a bowl and whisk together, then start to add your oils bit by bit (this is when you fall in love with your stand mixer all over again as your arm isn’t exhausted). Once you’ve blended in roughly half the oil, you can add the rest in a quicker, steady stream.

When the mixture thickens, add lemon juice. When the texture seems right (or all the oil is gone), add the garlic.

Season to taste and add more lemon juice if needed.

Toni Basil Pesto

Condiment

After such a long absence, we are so thankful that Toni step up and dougie’d her way back into our life. She had barely locked her car before we were out the front of Annelie’s house greeting her with some bends, snaps and other loving movements.

Our friendship remains as close as it was way back when and it felt like no time had passed at all. We filled her in on our feud with Nigel Lythgoe and were both shocked (at the betrayal) and thrilled (for her opportunity) that she was considering accepting an offer to judge on So You Think You Can Dance. Obviously after the whipping it (in the sack) with Devo drama, we will try to end the Lythgoe feud to help her secure the role.

That being said, as delightful, kind, forgiving and warm dear Toni is, she is also a total nut. When she called to organise our catch-up she firmly requested we make our famous Toni Basil Pesto. Just the pesto, nothing else. Just pesto and a spoon.

 

Toni Basil Pesto_1

 

Basil is the kind of herb that hits you like a mid break-dance fly-kick to the gut (in a good way), and when you add the sharpness of the parmesan with a dash of lemon juice, you have pesto perfection.

Unlike Toni, I would suggest serving with crackers or some freshly cooked pasta and an extra squeeze of lemon. I like lemon, especially Liz.

Enjoy!

 

Toni Basil Pesto_2

 

Toni Basil Pesto
Makes: Probably about ¾ cup, maybe (noting that I am terrible with estimations)

Ingredients
1 bunch basil, leaves picked
½ cup finely grated parmesan
⅓ cup toasted pine nuts
1 garlic clove, finely chopped
½ cup extra virgin olive oil
lemon, salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Place the basil, parmesan, pine nuts and garlic in the bowl of a food processor and process until finely chopped. With the motor running, gradually add the oil in a thin, steady stream until well combined. Taste and season with salt, pepper and a squeeze of lemon juice.

Place in an airtight container and cover with a little oil – this will help stop the basil from turning black. Store in the fridge for up to one week.