Eggs

Coolaioli

Condiment, Easter Meggstravaganza, Sauce

Step two is always a bit difficult, what with our friends not wanting to identify as a struggling musician. Did we not mention that was part of the ritual? Well it is.

Anyway, after much coercing (that briefly reunited us with our frenemy Michelle Pfeiffer) we were able to convince our dear friend Coolio that he was no longer really spending most if any of his life, living in a gangsta’s paradise and as such, he needed to help Meg reach redemption and hope she wants to help his re-ascent.

While Annelie was a close friend of Ice T growing up, I was a confidante and pseudo manager of Coolio and encouraged him to expand into film and television, helping him find employment on The Nanny and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and got him the gig/co-wrote the inspirational love theme of Dangerous Minds.

After my countless disappearances to prison and rehab, Coolio just kind of disappeared from the A-list but being the kind, warm man he is, he never held it against me.

He dropped by hoping to reconnect professionally and write the next It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp/Let It Go and eventually came around to helping us with Meg first before working on our Oscar winning song (I mean, we were always destined for one so why not give him that).

Plus, Coolio goes crazy for his condiments and the promise of our famous Coolaioli was enough to snag his help.

 

Coolaioli_1

 

I love an aioli that smacks you in the face with garlic and this one doesn’t disappoint. Seriously, I have the bruise to prove it. Enjoy…and be careful!

 

Coolaioli_2

 

Coolaioli

Ingredients
1 clove garlic, peeled
1 tsp sea salt, plus more to season
freshly ground black pepper, to season
1 large egg yolk
1 tsp Dijon mustard
500-575ml olive oil
lemon juice, to taste

Method
Smash up the garlic and salt in a pestle and mortar.

Place the egg yolk and mustard in a bowl and whisk together, then start to add your oils bit by bit (this is when you fall in love with your stand mixer all over again as your arm isn’t exhausted). Once you’ve blended in roughly half the oil, you can add the rest in a quicker, steady stream.

When the mixture thickens, add lemon juice. When the texture seems right (or all the oil is gone), add the garlic.

Season to taste and add more lemon juice if needed.

Devilled Meggs Ryan

Easter Meggstravaganza, Party Food, Snack

It is always a rush when following through on an egg-based ritual to return fame, foretold in a vision quest in Palm Springs, the celebrity desert.

For the past decade we have struggled with our dear friend Meg to find the correct celebs to force into helping our ritual to return us to the A-list, but alas it has only come true for two of us.

As we have known Meg for such a long time, having met her on the set of When a Man Loves a Woman (Annelie was her stunt double for the shower scene and I acted as her alcohol coach) and continued on as her personal security until we were fired for leaking stories to the tabloids and befriending her across the canyon neighbours, the T-Austins (in a dark period in our friendship, we egged her house).

Thankfully a desire for fame is a huge motivation for forgiveness and Meg never held a grudge and we still have fun with each other in the lead-up to our annual ritual.

In recent years Meg has been enjoying a slight career upswing, playing an obsessive stalker with OCD on Web Therapy (a role loosely based on one of my incarcerations) and we have taken it as a sign that she is on the precipice of returning to greatness. As such, we decided the best way to start this year’s ritual was with a batch of Sweet and Spicy Devilled Meggs Ryan.

 

Devilled Megs Ryan_1

 

The maple bacon counters the kick of heat and if our calculations are right, she should be having what we’re having…an A-list resurgence.

Enjoy!

 

Devilled Megs Ryan_2

 

Sweet and Spicy Devilled Megs Ryan
Makes: 12.

Ingredients
2 rashers streaky bacon
1 tbsp maple syrup
12 hard-boiled eggs, peeled
½ cup mayonnaise
1-2 tbsp Sriracha sauce
1 tsp Dijon mustard
2 tsp finely chopped tarragon
1 tbsp finely chopped chives

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C and line a tray with baking paper. While the oven is heating, marinate the bacon in the maple syrup. When the oven is at temperature, lay rashers on the tray until caramelised and crispy, should be about ten minutes. Remove from oven and set aside to cool.

Cut all the eggs in half lengthways and remove the yolk to a bowl. Mash all of the yolks until smooth-ish and then mix in the mayo, sriracha, mustard and herbs. Season to taste.

Spoon the yolk mixture back into each egg cavity and place on the serving plate.

Finely chop the maple bacon and sprinkle over the eggs. Devour and know that phase one was a success.

The 11th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza

Easter Meggstravaganza, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

For the last ten years, Annelie and I have been catching up with Meg Ryan around Easter in an effort to breathe new life into our fading careers.

You see Meg had just bombed in the shamefully Oscar-and-audience-snubbed Against the Ropes and we had just been sent back to court ordered rehab in Malibu (we had declared bankruptcy, were homeless and committed a crime to wind up at our home away from home Promises).

Following the bomb/exiting rehab, we all caught up in Palm Springs and went on a peyote triggering vision quest that foretold our return to fame and glory if we performed an annual worship of eggs, lining up with lunar cycles in March/April.

It was a ridiculously specific vision quest and, don’t mean to blow our own trumpets, clearly worked for us. Being scared to lose our fame and wanting to help Meg find redemption, we will continue on with our (now 11th) Annual Easter Meggstravaganza.

Now to line up the remaining ingredients for the ritual; a struggling musician, a successful TV star, a shockingly-still-living legend and, of course, a hero. How do we choose the vital players?

Picture source: Screenshot of The Simpsons Movie.

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm

Breakfast

What do I..? Where..?

I just don’t even know where to start.

Jon Hamm, damn. Hot damn. Jon dropped by a couple of nights ago to relax, celebrate his birthday and release some tension/let off some steam (his words).

Annelie and I first met Jon while we were all working in porn, he designed sets while we wrote scripts, provided catering and acted as fluffers, if needed. Obviously, both Annelie and I fell passionately in love with Jon and worked to be his lovers.

I won’t go into the specifics, but the eventual arrangement lead to the plot of Big Love.

Emphasis on big.

Yesterday morning, I got to work making Jon a nice filling breakfast (Annelie was busy/I locked her out of my house and kept Jon’s visit a secret…I will probably regret this) to give him the energy he needed to get through his, work, for the day. Given that we had plenty of sausage in the house, I opted for a nice generous serve of Green Eggs and Jon Hamm.

 

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm_1

 

We had leftover pesto from our last catch-up with Toni Basil, so we added some parmesan to the eggs and mixed it through with some diced ham. With a squeeze of lemon juice, it was as perfect as the night before.

Enjoy! You know we did. It was a happy birthday for Jon indeed!

 

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm_2

 

Green Eggs and Jon Hamm
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
6 eggs
6 slices ham, diced
2 tbsp pesto
2 tbsp grated parmesan
4 slices sourdough, toasted
butter, to serve (and cook)
salt and pepper, to season
lemon, quartered, to serve

Method
Crack all the eggs into a medium bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper, ham, pesto and parmesan and give them a good whisk.

In a medium pan, melt roughly a tablespoon of butter over medium/low heat until hot and foamy. Pour egg mixture into the pan and let them bubble for roughly ten seconds.

In sweeping motions, go from the edge of the pan to the centre until the eggs are slowly cooked (basically, this technique from 1:50-2:10ish). Make sure you stop while they are still moist, as they will continue to cook from the heat while you butter your toast

On that note, at some point toast your bread, but I am sure you could figure that part out.

To serve, place your toast on a plate and top with the eggs and a wedge of lemon on the side. Again, I am sure you could have figured that out.

Sausage is optional and was fantastic.

Kevin Bacon & Egg Pie

Main

Kevin is one of the sweetest celebrity friends we have. Sweetest and sexiest, obviously.

Following our one-two punch of Stockholm syndrome-ing and Fatal Attraction-ing our way into his heart, he gave us a start running coffee on Apollo 13 where we did such a good job (minus “accidentally” spiking Tom Hanks coffee with laxatives) that I was given the role as Jim Lovell’s wife’s body-double in the pivotal shower/ring scene and Annelie was hired to advise on the appropriate representation of the peanuts.

Obviously, we killed it and it brought us closer to Kevs and were invited to join his entourage/heavies during the filming of Picture Perfect (he was feuding with Jen An at the time…the only time we aren’t on Team Jen) before we graduated to being his fluffer on the set of Wild Things (we are really good with various…jobs).

We haven’t seen Kevin in a while, with him busy on the set of The Following, so to celebrate our warm and sexy friendship and show our gratitude he made the trip to see us, we served him up a large, hot, delicious slice of our famous Kevin Bacon & Egg Pie. This time, unusually, on plates rather than…never mind.

 

Kevin Bacon & Egg Pie_1

 

The pie is the perfect meal for when you are short on time and want something easy and comforting. Plus spinach makes it seem healthy (and I just love spinach) and bacon is the best.

The food and the man. Enjoy!

 

Kevin Bacon & Egg Pie_2

 

Kevin Bacon & Egg Pie
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 medium brown onions, chopped
350g rindless shortcut bacon rashers, diced
1 3/4 sheets frozen reduced-fat shortcrust pastry, partially thawed
1 1/3 cups grated reduced-fat tasty cheddar
8 eggs
1/2 cup pure cream
250g frozen spinach, defrosted and drained

Method
Heat oil in a large frying pan over medium-high heat. Add onion. Cook, stirring, for 5 minutes or until softened. Add bacon. Cook, stirring, for 5 minutes or until browned. Remove from heat and stir through drained spinach. Cool.

Preheat oven to 180°C. Place a baking tray in oven. Grease a 6cm-deep, 20cm round springform pan. Using base of pan as a guide, cut 1 circle from 1 pastry sheet. Line base of prepared pan with pastry round. Cut remaining pastry sheet into 3 equal strips. Line side of pan with pastry, trimming to fit and pressing edges together (you will have some leftover pastry).

Spoon half the bacon and spinach mixture into pan. Sprinkle with 1 cup cheese. Whisk 4 eggs and cream together in a jug. Add to pan. Sprinkle with remaining bacon and spinach mixture. Make 4 holes into mixture in pan. Crack 1 egg into each hole. Sprinkle with remaining cheese. Season with pepper. Fold pastry over at top edge.

Place in hot oven and bake for 45 to 50 minutes or until pie is firm to touch. Stand in pan for 10 minutes. Serve on whatever dish you desire.

Eggs in PurgaTori Spelling

Breakfast

I’ve never been more heartbroken at an airport than I was last night. Embarrassed sure (who isn’t when they are arrested for drunk and disorderly behaviour after spotting a colonial woman on the wings?), but never heartbroken.

As soon as Torz locked eyes on us, she started to break down in tears and ran to us for the supportive hug that she knew would be waiting.

We stayed up most of the night talking through all that she has been going through (and wondering if her mother will ever give her, and us, a share in the wrapping room). It has been a tough time, but Tori is tough (she is the only one who could beat Shannen Doherty in an arm-wrestle) and we know she will be ok.

When she woke up this morning to a warm bowl of Eggs in Purgatori Spelling, she was in hysterics due to the symbolic nature of our meal and knowing that she had her humour back, Annelie and I were able to breathe sighs of relief.

 

Eggs in Purgatori Spelling 1

 

The fiery heat of the tomato base and the spice of the chorizo gave Torz the energy and motivation to pick herself back-up and once again become the strong, powerful, feminist icon that the world knows (the Donna Martin graduates storyline was an allegory for equal pay and women’s rights, included at Tori’s behest).

Tori has her spark back and the delicious eggs were a bonus. Enjoy!

 

Eggs in Purgatori Spelling 2

 

Eggs in Purgatori Spelling
Serves 1

Ingredients
400g can diced tomatoes
1 chorizo, sliced into fat coins
2 shallots, thinly sliced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 teaspoon dried chilli flakes (or more if you prefer)
2 eggs
olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Place a lug of oil in a pan (that has a lid) over medium heat, and fry chorizo, shallots and garlic until shallots and garlic are tender. Add chilli flakes and diced tomatoes and bring to the boil.

Reduce heat to simmer and crack eggs into the tomato liquid, place lid on and simmer until eggs are poached to your liking.

Serve with lots of buttery, sourdough toast.