Ham

Liz Markham and Egg Pizza

Main, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

Previously on Survivor, Darnell’s aqua-dump required him to exit for a top-up of Darnell HamilWontons before Jenny listened to that little worm inside her head to join him and me at loser lodge for my famed Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns.

This episode saw a welcome return to Probst’s, and my, favourite thing – smutty innuendo. We first saw Tai shoving his hard stick into a tight hole to come up with a glorious pay off, then Jason pushed Blondie to work something up with Scot and do the same thing before a challenge requiring everyone to get wet and try and shove balls into holes too.

It got weird but we love that kinda thing so just roll with it.

Sixteen were left before Annelie and my prototype BethBot 3000 was voted out in a tribal council.

Following our mediocre success creating SpenBot in the 80s, Annelie and I attempted to upgrade our creation however we accidentally doubled up on her confidence and attitude, rather than emotions resulting in, essentially, Lady Spencer. BethBot3000 eventually overthrew her creators after we tried to correct our mistakes (“Beep boop, I am perfect. I need no change”) and, clearly, as a passive aggressive attack, opted to be referred to as Liz. I mean, how petty.

After the tigress Debbie, who is like that person you work with (and given her extensive work history we all probably have at some point), that is really intense and ‘happy’ … and one bad email away from a breakdown, narrowly lost the challenge leading to another tribal council where somebody tried to talk their way out of the game.

Sadly for Liz, Obama wasn’t as persuasive at talking himself out of the game as he was at talking himself into the White House. Thankfully I had a life changing Liz Markham and Egg Pizza waiting for her in the wings.

 

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BethBot3000, sorry, Liz was as thrilled as a humanoid cyborg can be when spotting me at Loser Lodge – thankfully being the victim of a blindside, her self-programmed vendetta against me was registered as void.

The delightful combination of ham and egg (leftovers I had because Probst kicked me out of his room before I could make him breakfast) with the kick of chilli and the mild, nutty sweetness of the cheese left her showing true emotion – unbridled joy.

Who knew pizza would fix Annelie and my inventing mistakes? Enjoy!

 

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Liz Markham and Egg Pizza
Serves: 1-2.

Ingredients
pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)
passata or tomato paste, with a combination of herbs
100g ham, sliced into strips
½ an onion, finely sliced
1 tsp chilli
4 eggs
handful of grated swiss cheese

Method
Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

When you’re ready to get comfort cooking for your robot-human creation, flatten the dough out to fit the pizza tray (or whatever you are cooking it on), cover with a tomato sauce (you could use tomato paste and a sprinkling of herbs … basil, thyme, oregano, the usual subjects).

Sprinkle onion over the base of the pizza, followed by roughly topping with the strips of ham, shaping four little ham-wells across the base and then sprinkle with chilli. Crack an egg into each of the wells and top with swiss cheese.

Cook for 15 minutes or until golden and bubbly.

 

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Khloé Kardashiham

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Main

I know you’re not meant to play favourites, but Khloé is our favourite member of the Kardashian-Jenner family. And that is despite working with our nemesis/my ex Mario Lopez.

As you can probably tell from watching her, Khloé has always been the koolest, most down-to-earth Kardashian.

When Kris first took us in, Khlo had the most reservations as she could see through our sweet facade and knew that we would sell anything in the house that wasn’t stuck down. She pulled us aside and in the cage-fight that followed, we resolved all of our issues and were bonded as BFFs for life.

Nothing says Khristmas like a ham and nobody gives less fucks about the kraziness of being a Kardashian than Khlo – with that in mind, we knew that we had to whip up our famous Khloé Kardashiham for our fave gal-pal.

 

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Ham aka bacon’s ugly half-sibling, is still more glorious than most meats and is a staple for the Khristmas table. While most people love a bit of marmalade glaze action, my repulsion for orange means I can’t tarnish the gloriously salty meat. What I do approve of? Sticky, juicy cherries gloriously caramelising on top of the pig.

Enjoy!

 

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Khloé Kardashiham
Serves: 1, if you use a single serve ham. 8-12 otherwise.

Ingredients
200g cherry conserve
70g muscovado sugar
100ml whiskey
2 tbsp good-quality red wine vinegar
½ tsp ground cloves
¼ tsp ground cinnamon
¼ tsp ground allspice

Method
Preheat oven to 180C.

In a small saucepan over low heat, place the conserve, sugar, whiskey, vinegar, cloves, cinnamon and allspice and cook, stirring, for a few minutes or until sugar dissolves. Increase the heat to medium and simmer for 10 minutes or until thickened slightly. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.

Now in this part you would probably do the whole, cut around ham shank, remove the rind and score process but Khlo wanted her own single serve ham.

Whichever size ham you cook, place it into a lined baking dish and generously coat with the glaze before putting in the oven. Re-glaze every twenty minutes or so until browned and caramelised … being careful not to burn it.

A normal size ham would take about 90 minutes, Khlo’s individual one took about 40.

Transfer to a platter, cover with foil and rest for about 20 minutes before carving. As you can see, i’m a big fan of pouring the remaining glaze over the ham before serving. Who says no to more cherry goodness?

 

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