Kardashian-Jenner

Cakelyn Jenner

Cake, Dessert, Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Sweets

Whether you want to admit it or not, our dear friend Caitlyn Jenner has had a monumental year since coming out as transgender and working towards being the activist she needs to be, given the role would be thrown at her anyway.

We first met Cait in an Olympic training camp in the mid 70s when Annelie was trying to perfect the correct amount of steroids for me to win discus, without being caught. It worked and Annelie went on to provide supplements to Lance Armstrong, but that is another story for another time.

Our bond with Cait was instant and while she was disappointed in our actions, our wit, charm and aggressive sexuality was too much and a four decade friendship was formed.

Cait first told us she was transgender about 18 months ago when we caught up during a fleeting visit to Malibu to egg Yolanda Foster’s house. We were so happy that she felt comfortable enough to share her truth with us and surprisingly, we didn’t run straight to the paps with the information.

Since then, we’ve acted as a trusting, tender ear while Cait has endured the ups and downs of the media scrutiny in the lead up to her interview with Diane Sawyer and were heavily involved in deciding on the now iconic Vanity Fair cover.

Such a stellar year, made Cait deserving of our highest honour, to be the final pre-Christmas hiatus recipe. We like to call it our Cakelyn Jenner.

 

Cakelyn Jenner_1

 

While you would assume such a landmark year would call for a showy, decadent, Christmas dessert, we wanted the Cakelyn to be a reminder of the true essence of Cait’s year. It was honest and simple; she is a woman, finally able to live as the person she is and that calls for a nice classic sponge.

Enjoy!

 

Cakelyn Jenner_2

 

Cakelyn Jenner
Serves: 8

Ingredients
200g self-raising flour
225g salted butter
175g castor sugar
1 tsp baking powder
4 eggs
1/4 cup milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
300ml thickened cream
Seeds from 1 vanilla bean
½ cup raspberry jam

Method
Preheat oven to 175°C.

Grease, flour and line 2 x 8″ cake pans.

Beat butter and sugar together until pale and creamy. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add vanilla extract and milk and combine.

Sift flour and baking powder into wet ingredients mixture. Gently fold together until just combined. Divide between prepared pans.

Bake for 20-25 minutes or until cakes are risen and spring back when touched. Allow to cool on a wire rack.

Once cakes are completely cool, whip cream to stiff peaks and stir through vanilla seeds.

Spread one half of cake with jam. Top with cream and then other cake. Serve immediately.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Khloé Kardashiham

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Main

I know you’re not meant to play favourites, but Khloé is our favourite member of the Kardashian-Jenner family. And that is despite working with our nemesis/my ex Mario Lopez.

As you can probably tell from watching her, Khloé has always been the koolest, most down-to-earth Kardashian.

When Kris first took us in, Khlo had the most reservations as she could see through our sweet facade and knew that we would sell anything in the house that wasn’t stuck down. She pulled us aside and in the cage-fight that followed, we resolved all of our issues and were bonded as BFFs for life.

Nothing says Khristmas like a ham and nobody gives less fucks about the kraziness of being a Kardashian than Khlo – with that in mind, we knew that we had to whip up our famous Khloé Kardashiham for our fave gal-pal.

 

Khloé Kardashiham_1

 

Ham aka bacon’s ugly half-sibling, is still more glorious than most meats and is a staple for the Khristmas table. While most people love a bit of marmalade glaze action, my repulsion for orange means I can’t tarnish the gloriously salty meat. What I do approve of? Sticky, juicy cherries gloriously caramelising on top of the pig.

Enjoy!

 

Khloé Kardashiham_2

 

Khloé Kardashiham
Serves: 1, if you use a single serve ham. 8-12 otherwise.

Ingredients
200g cherry conserve
70g muscovado sugar
100ml whiskey
2 tbsp good-quality red wine vinegar
½ tsp ground cloves
¼ tsp ground cinnamon
¼ tsp ground allspice

Method
Preheat oven to 180C.

In a small saucepan over low heat, place the conserve, sugar, whiskey, vinegar, cloves, cinnamon and allspice and cook, stirring, for a few minutes or until sugar dissolves. Increase the heat to medium and simmer for 10 minutes or until thickened slightly. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.

Now in this part you would probably do the whole, cut around ham shank, remove the rind and score process but Khlo wanted her own single serve ham.

Whichever size ham you cook, place it into a lined baking dish and generously coat with the glaze before putting in the oven. Re-glaze every twenty minutes or so until browned and caramelised … being careful not to burn it.

A normal size ham would take about 90 minutes, Khlo’s individual one took about 40.

Transfer to a platter, cover with foil and rest for about 20 minutes before carving. As you can see, i’m a big fan of pouring the remaining glaze over the ham before serving. Who says no to more cherry goodness?

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Roast Pumpkim Kardashian-West

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Side

Despite what you may think, she is not so dim, our Kim.

After being taken in by Kris in the late 80s to work on our ponzi schemes, we formed a quick bond with our surrogate big sister Kim.

As evidenced by her exceptional, down-to-earth parenting and the beautiful way she is with her nieces and nephews, Kim has always had a knack with children and she immediately took us under her wing when we landed in Calabasas.

Our shared ambition to be famous led us down the very determined path, befriending the Hilton-Richards’ and then using that to parlay our notoriety into fame by filming sex-tapes. While it worked for Paris and Kim, ours failed to set the tabloids ablaze and Annelie and I launched a vicious media attack against Kim to punish her.

Knowing that we were only lashing out, out of jealousy, Kimmy never held our petulant behaviour against us and continued to only abuse us in the manner that should would her family.

Given that lil’ Sainty was just born (and wanting to TP her house again), we decided to charter/”borrow” one of Kanye’s jets and bring the festive spirit to her. As she had just had Sainty, we were delivered a strict 958 page dossier on what would could and could not feed her, resulting in our Roast PumpKim Kardashian-West.

 

Roast Pumpkim Kardashian-West_1

 

There is something so comforting and fulfilling about roasted pumpkin; how it caramelises and gives way to an earthy sweetness is something so life affirming. That being said, I don’t have much going on so you may not find that.

Add in some cheese, the freshness of the mint and the tart pomegranate seeds and you will have a religious experience worthy of a saint … or his mother.

Enjoy!

 

Roast Pumpkim Kardashian-West_2

 

Roast Pumpkim Kardashian-West
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
Small kent pumpkin, sliced into wedges, skin on
½ tsp cumin, ground
½ tsp chilli, ground
Salt and pepper, to season
Olive Oil
Pomegranate, seeds smacked out
200g feta, roughly crumbled
Handful of mint, roughly chopped

Method
Preheat oven to 180C.

Arrange pumpkin slices on a large baking sheet and rub with spices, salt and pepper and olive oil.

Bake in the oven for 20-30 minutes, or until golden and tender. I t will depend on how large the pieces are.

Once the pumpkin is done, arrange it on your serving plate and sprinkle, generously, with pomegranate seeds, feta and mint.

Devour.

Fun fact: this is literally made from all of the ingredients left in the do list of Kimmy’s dossier.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Sweet Potato and Kourtney Karnashi Pear Gratin

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Side

This Christmas, I am really grateful for the likes of Kourtz Kardash. Our friendship has truly withstood the test of time and weathered the storm that comes with being A-list celebrities (well Ben and I are, anyways).

Our friendship with Kourtz literally goes back to when we were all in-utero. After our glorious simultaneous births, we were Kourtz’ newborn baby neighbours in the hospital (I can’t recall which one). Kourtney’s mother LudaKris sniffed out an opportunity with her momaging skills, recruiting Ben, Kourtz and I to star in her reality TV drama, Kribs.

Unfortunately once we had passed through the cute newborn stage, it became apparent that I resembled Baby Sinclair and Ben had a general hatred of people, so we were dropped literally like newborn giraffes from the Kribs cast. Unsurpisingly, without our presence, Kribs never took off – although it did set the tone and general level of emotional intelligence required for the follow-up Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Despite never making it on-screen together, our friendship with Kourtz has remained strong over the years. Christmas is a great time to catch up over a hearty meal and reminisce on those glorious infantile years.

 

IMG_5673

 

The Sweet Potato and Kourtney Karnashi Pear Gratin, is both a feat of our culinary and literary skills. It combines festive flavours of maple. walnut and pear with salty bacon and sweet potato, creating a modern Christmas klassic.

 

IMG_5682

 

Sweet Potato and Kourtney Karnashi Pear Gratin
Serves: 8

Ingredients
750g sweet potato
4 medium nashi pears
100g streaky bacon
100g walnuts, finely chopped
125g butter
1 tbsp rice bran oil
3 tbsp maple syrup

Method
Preheat oven to 200°C.

Peel and finely slice the sweet potato and nashi pears. Set aside in a bowl and cover with iced water.

Meanwhile, melt together 100g butter and 3 tablespoons maple syrup. Finely chop streaky bacon into small pieces.

Heat frypan over medium heat. Once hot, add remaining 25g butter and 1 tablespoon rice bran oil. Saute bacon until golden and crisp. Stir through walnuts. Remove from heat and set aside.

Grease a 6 cup gratin dish with butter. Drain pear and sweet potato slices. Layer sweet potato and pear into the gratin dish alternating each slice. Once the layer is completed, brush with melted butter. Continue layering until all slices are used.

Bake in hot oven for 30 minutes or until just tender. Add walnut and bacon crumble and bake for another 5 minutes or until completely heated through.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Rumball Jenner

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Sweets

Although we are putting on a delicious Christmas spread for her, Kenny Jenner actually really owes us one.

Kendall, or Kenny as she goes by with her inner circle, had the honour of featuring on the Victoria’s Secret runway this year. Did she look amazing? Yes. Did she deserve the opportunity to strut her stuff? Totally. Would she have gotten there without us? No way!

You see, Victoria’s Secret had been positioning our nemesis Ariana Grande to take one of the esteemed runway spots this year. Ariana was invited to perform at the 2014 show as a primer for a walking gig in 2015 – a spot Kenny was desperately coveting. As we had insider goss, we came up with a plan so beautiful the likes of it hadn’t been seen since Fabio copped a goose to the face (also our doing).

You guessed it – we got that bitch wing-slapped. Let’s  be honest, no-one wants this face sauntering down the runway. Kenny was officially in for 2015!

While we haven’t decided how she can repay us just yet, it is the season of giving and it is high time to gift Kenny with our glorious presence again.

 

IMG_5635

 

Rumball Jenner is the perfect Christmas snack to share with one of the ballsiest bitches around!

 

IMG_5641

 

Rumball Jenner
Makes: 20.

Ingredients
250g marie biscuits
1 x 395g can sweetened condensed milk
4 tbsp unsweetened dutch cocoa
2 tbsp rum
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup coconut, divided in half

Method
In a food processor, process marie biscuits until fine crumbs form. Add cocoa and half of coconut and pulse until just combined. Tip mixture into a large bowl.

Add rum, sweetened condensed milk and vanilla extract to dry mixture and stir until combined.

Roll heaped tablespoons of mixture into balls and roll in extra coconut. Refrigerate until firm.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Fruit Mince Pylie Jenner

Dessert, Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Snack, Sweets

As the youngest member of the Kardashian-Jenner empire, Kylie has a lot of fantastic role models to look up to but she still looks to us for guidance and support, as her beloved god-parents.

Kylie was such a sweet angel when she was born and you just knew she was destined for greatness.

When Annelie was contemplating pursuing medicine, it was only Kyles who was able to provide her with a rational ear, great advice and the lips to see if she would be interested in going into plastics.

You see, she actually only lied about having surgery to avoid getting Annelie in trouble for using C-grade construction cement before even getting into med. Talk about a ride or (nearly) die friend!

Kyles was only able to take a brief amount  of time out of her busy hair-extension and lip contouring schedule to drop by and celebrate Khristmas with her godparents, so we opted for a sweet treat of our Fruite Mince Pylie Jenners.

 

Fruit Mince Pylie Jenner_1

 

I used to loathe fruit mince pies on account of their odd mouth feel and the irrational decision that they were filled with just dried fruit and beef or aspic; then I had fresh ones and my life was changed.

These pillowy delights are heavenly, sweet and full of tart cranberries that make them sing. But well, not like Kris.

Enjoy!

 

Fruit Mince Pylie Jenner_2

 

Fruit Mince Pylie Jenner
Makes: 48(ish). Aka heaps.

Ingredients
Mincemeat
60ml brandy
75g muscovado sugar
300g cranberries
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp ground ginger
½ tsp ground cloves
75g currants
75g raisins
30g dried cranberries
finely grated zest and juice of 1 orange
25ml brandy
3 drops almond extract
½ tsp vanilla extract
2 tbsp honey

Pastry
250g plain flour
50g icing sugar
125g cold unsalted butter, cubed
1 egg
milk (splash)

Method
Mincemeat
In a large pan, dissolve the sugar in the brandy (60ml) over a gentle heat before adding the fresh (aka frozen in Australia) cranberries, cinnamon, ginger, cloves, currants, raisins, dried cranberries and the zest and juice of the orange.

Bring to a gentle simmer and cook for 20 minutes, or until the fruit has started to soften and has absorbed most of the liquid in the pan. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.

Add the remaining brandy, almond extract, vanilla extract and honey and stir well with a wooden spoon to mash the mixture down into a paste. Spoon the mincemeat into sterilised jars (you know the drill thanks to Meryl) and store in the fridge for up to two weeks.

Pastry
Sieve the flour and icing sugar into a large mixing bowl.

Using your fingertips, gently rub the butter into the flour and sugar until it starts to resemble wet sand.

Add the egg and a dash of milk, and work together until you have a ball. Be careful not to overwork it.

Pat the ball into a thick round disc, wrap in cling film and leave to rest in the fridge for 30 minutes.

Pies
To make the pies you will need a mini tart tin, a small circular object for cutting (we use an upturned shot glass) and a miniature star cutter (just to be like Nigella).

Preheat the oven to 220°C.

When the 30 minutes is up, remove it from the fridge and roll it out on a lightly dusted surface until it is roughly 5mm thick.

Cut out the circles a little wider than the indentations in the tart tins, so that they are tall enough in the tart tins, gently pressing them into shape as you go. Once the tray is full of pastry, add roughly a teaspoon of mincemeat to each pie before topping with a mini pastry star.

Bake in the oven for 10–15 minutes, keeping an eye on them to avoid burning.

Remove from the oven and empty the pies out of the tin and onto a cooling rack. Continue the process until you run out of pastry, storing the leftover mincemeat for future baking or to have with icecream.

When they are all done and cooled, whack some icing sugar in a tea ball and make it look like a winter wonderland … or L.A. in the 80s. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

White Kristmas Jenner

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Snack, Sweets

While publicity whoring is something we clearly have in common with the Kardashian-Jenner klan, naturally our history goes back quite some way with mother hen, Kris.

Ben and I first met Kris when we were trying to start yet another ponzi scheme, this time involving somewhat controversial and unorthodox dieting methods. Kris was entering the mainstream after that whole O.J Simpson thing, looking to leverage her personal fame and attempting to launch her new identity, LudaKris.

Ben, LudaKris and I formed a magical business partnership fondly known as Jenny Kraig. Lose 10 pounds in 10 days? That’s LudaKris! Alas, it was ludicrous and we quickly went out of business.

Despite our early failures, LudaKris eventually decided to go sans-Luda and embrace the momager she was destined to be. What klassy treat can we share with our klassy pal?

 

IMG_5653

 

White Kristmas is everything a festive treat should be – klassic, kolourful and full of kflavour.

 

IMG_5663

 

White Kristmas
Serves: 16

Ingredients
1 cup shelled pistachios, finely chopped
1 cup dried cranberries
500g white chocolate
2 cups rice bubbles
1 cup shredded coconut
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Method
Half fill a medium saucepan with water and place on medium heat. Line and grease a rectangular slice tray.

Combine pistachios, cranberries, rice bubbles and coconut in a large bowl.

Place a heatproof metal bowl over saucepan of simmering water. Add white chocolate to bowl and melt over gentle heat. Once just melted stir in vanilla.

Add chocolate and vanilla mixture to dry ingredients and stir until just combined. Pour into prepared pan and refrigerate until set.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas

As the girl’s reminded you last month at Kris’ birthday, she truly loves her friends – obviously, none more so than Annelie and I.

Despite zero appearances on Keeping Up With the Kardashians (I refused to wear pants / share the spotlight), we have long been friends with the Kardashian-Jenner family. We first connected with the family via our mutual friend, the morally corrupt Faye Resnick, whom we met in the 80s during a few of our rehab stints.

Seeing two flailing kids, Kris went straight into momager mode and tried her best to get us on our feet and into a business empire – going as far as to legally change our names to Kbenjamin and Kannelie.

We were there during the divorce from Robert, played bridesmaids to Kris during her wedding to Caitlyn and are even the god-parents slash moral compasses for little Kendall and Kylie – as such, the Kardashians always try to see us around the festive season.

It has been a big year for the women of the Kardashian-Jenner family, so there is a lot for us to celebrate so make sure you can keep up with the Kardashians at Khristmas!

Picture source: EOnline.com.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.