Author: anneliehailes

Sweet Potato and Kourtney Karnashi Pear Gratin

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Side

This Christmas, I am really grateful for the likes of Kourtz Kardash. Our friendship has truly withstood the test of time and weathered the storm that comes with being A-list celebrities (well Ben and I are, anyways).

Our friendship with Kourtz literally goes back to when we were all in-utero. After our glorious simultaneous births, we were Kourtz’ newborn baby neighbours in the hospital (I can’t recall which one). Kourtney’s mother LudaKris sniffed out an opportunity with her momaging skills, recruiting Ben, Kourtz and I to star in her reality TV drama, Kribs.

Unfortunately once we had passed through the cute newborn stage, it became apparent that I resembled Baby Sinclair and Ben had a general hatred of people, so we were dropped literally like newborn giraffes from the Kribs cast. Unsurpisingly, without our presence, Kribs never took off – although it did set the tone and general level of emotional intelligence required for the follow-up Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Despite never making it on-screen together, our friendship with Kourtz has remained strong over the years. Christmas is a great time to catch up over a hearty meal and reminisce on those glorious infantile years.

 

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The Sweet Potato and Kourtney Karnashi Pear Gratin, is both a feat of our culinary and literary skills. It combines festive flavours of maple. walnut and pear with salty bacon and sweet potato, creating a modern Christmas klassic.

 

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Sweet Potato and Kourtney Karnashi Pear Gratin
Serves: 8

Ingredients
750g sweet potato
4 medium nashi pears
100g streaky bacon
100g walnuts, finely chopped
125g butter
1 tbsp rice bran oil
3 tbsp maple syrup

Method
Preheat oven to 200°C.

Peel and finely slice the sweet potato and nashi pears. Set aside in a bowl and cover with iced water.

Meanwhile, melt together 100g butter and 3 tablespoons maple syrup. Finely chop streaky bacon into small pieces.

Heat frypan over medium heat. Once hot, add remaining 25g butter and 1 tablespoon rice bran oil. Saute bacon until golden and crisp. Stir through walnuts. Remove from heat and set aside.

Grease a 6 cup gratin dish with butter. Drain pear and sweet potato slices. Layer sweet potato and pear into the gratin dish alternating each slice. Once the layer is completed, brush with melted butter. Continue layering until all slices are used.

Bake in hot oven for 30 minutes or until just tender. Add walnut and bacon crumble and bake for another 5 minutes or until completely heated through.

 

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Jeremiso Chicken Collins

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

We have a winner! Ben and I are so thrilled to be the first on set to celebrate a landslide victory with our old friend, Jeremy. To be perfectly honest, Jeremy would not have brought home the bacon this week if it wasn’t for Ben and I.

Luckily for Jeremy, our paths crossed quite some time ago. Ben and I had just bought shares in Danoz Direct and had just launched our first brilliant product to the lucky viewers at home.

Jeremy was one of the first lucky people to purchase and learn our patented trademarked copyrighted as-seen-on-tv buy-one-get-one-free ball handling system. The fine motor skills and digit dexterity he learned as a result of our extensive training is the only reason he was able to win the final immunity challenge. It also naturally assisted with getting the gorgeous Val Collins knocked up with her million dollar baby.

Congratulations Jeremy – you deserve the win!

 

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Despite his newly-minted millionaire status, Jeremy is a man of simple tastes. The Jeremiso Chicken Collins provides the classic comfort of flame grilled chicken, marinated in delicious miso.

And is far more appropriate for a Sole Survivor than a Jeremiso Collins Soup!

 

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Jeremiso Chicken Collins
Makes: 4.

Ingredients
4 skinless chicken breast halves
4 tbsp miso paste
2 tbsp sesame oil
2 tsp minced garlic
2 tsp minced ginger
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp brown sugar
Mixed green vegetables to serve

Method
Combine miso, sesame oil, garlic, ginger, soy sauce and brown sugar in a large zip-lock bag. Add the chicken breasts and refrigerate. Marinate for at least four hours.

Heat a griddle pan or barbeque grill until very hot. Grill chicken, turning regularly, until cooked through. Serve with mixed greens.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Pistashaio Fox Cake

Cake, Dessert, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance, Sweets

It has been a struggle watching our frenemy Tasha Fox survive tribal council after tribal council this season.

Unfortunately, we have a checkered history with Tasha. After Andrew Keegan dragged us into the Danny Tanner Full Circle cult, we were forced to recruit new members. Naturally, we looked toward other cult-like organisations and deep within the trenches of one, we found our Tasha.

Tasha took on the Full Circle identity of Kimmy Gibbler – and was truly Kimmy in every sense. Her grating personality and all-round irritable presence made her such a perfect Kimmy she eventually replaced us as Krishna the parrot’s guardian. Not cool Tasha/Kimmy Gibbler!

Although Full Circle was eventually exposed and disbanded, our deep hatred of Tasha was enduring. That said, to see her receive a golden goose egg of votes has made me want to give her some comfort and try to reignite what was once a glorious friendship. After all, we did kind of ruin her life with that whole cult thing.

What says ‘I’m sorry’ and simultaneously ‘you still annoy the living turdcakes out of me’?

 

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The Pistashaio Fox Cake is the perfect way to make amends with an old frenemy. The heavenly thick chocolate ganache can literally gloss over the oldest of friendship wounds.

 

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Pistashaio Fox Cake
Serves: 16

Ingredients
1 cup plain flour
1/2 cup pistachio meal
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 tablespoons instant coffee
2 eggs
3/4 cup caster sugar
1/4 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup boiling water
1/3 cup cocoa powder
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
200g dark chocolate
1/2 cup thickened cream
80g shelled, halved pistachios

Method
Preheat oven to 180C. Grease a rectangular cake tin.

In a large bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda, pistachio meal, sugar and cocoa powder. Add eggs, milk, water, oil, vanilla and coffee and stir until combined.

Pour into prepared tin (batter will be quite thin) and bake for 30-35 minutes or until risen and cooked through. Allow to cool.

To ice, cut chocolate into very fine slithers and place in heat-proof bowl. Gently heat cream in a small saucepan until just scalded. Pour cream over chocolate slithers and leave to sit for five minutes.

After five minutes, stir until ganache is smooth. Pour over cake and top with pistachios. Refrigerate until ganache is set.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Spencer Bledsoba

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Spenny Bleds, I can’t say I am sad to see you go from Second Chances – despite our pivotal role in your creation as the robot/human hybrid that you are.

You see, SpenBot, as his prototype was named, was the subject of an undercover experiment Ben and I conducted during our mid 1980’s mad scientist phase (doesn’t everyone have one?).

We were tasked with designing a higher level robot being, with the emotional and intellectual might to save mankind from themselves. Unsurprisingly, as Ben and I actually aren’t legit scientific geniuses, we took a few shortcuts and ended up with a strange hybrid of trusty educational robot 2-XL and toy-of-the-moment Jennie Gymnast.

While we may have built Spencer with the emotional capability of a 1990’s remote-control gymnast (oops), thankfully he also inherited Jennie’s physical prowess. He was able to hold his own during the season’s physical challenges, making it all the way to the final tribal.

Unfortunately for SpenBot, his inner robot really shone out this seasoning, rendering him a seemingly insincere, unlikeable jerkwad worthy of approximately zero votes.

 

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As you can imagine, Spencer was his usual 7/10 emotional flatline when he saw our angelic faces back at Ponderosa. That said, he was hungry and wanted to tuck into something both comforting and healthy. The Spencer Bledsoba is the perfect meal to shed robotic, emotionless tears into.

 

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Spencer Bledsoba
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 x 270g pack dried soba noodles
3 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tablespoon freshly grated ginger
1 long red chilli, finely chopped
4 large eggs
4 tablespoons soy sauce
4 tablespoons sesame seeds
4 spring onions, finely sliced

Method
Boil a large saucepan of water and cook soba noodles as per packet directions. Drain and run cool water over them to separate.

Heat a large fry pan with some cooking oil. Crack eggs into pan and fry until cooked to your liking. Set aside.

In the same pan, add garlic, chilli and ginger and saute for 1-2 minutes. Add soy sauce and soba noodles and stirfry until hot and combined.

Divide noodles between four bowls and top with a fried egg each. Garnish with a tablespoon of sesame seeds per bowl and a sprinkle of shallots.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Beef and Keith N’Ale Pie

Main, Party Food, Pie, Snack, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

I was very sad to see Keith fall short of victory on Second Chances. As the affable, capable bloke that he is, he deserved to go far.

Ben and I first met Keith when we were scouting for the 1997 Shreveport Fireman’s Calendar. Obviously by scouting, I mean sneaking into the screening room and yelling smutty comments at some of the nation’s finest. I was mid disgusting sexual innuendo when in strolled a bastion of manliness and might – the glorious Keith Nale. I was so desperate to get Keith’s attention I made sure I wasn’t just looking hot that day, I was literally smokin’.

While setting myself on fire to get Keith’s attention was not my finest idea in hindsight, noble Keith rushed to the rescue and quickly put me out. A beautiful friendship, sadly non-sexual, has endured since that fateful day.

Now that Keith is back at Ponderosa, we are going to turn the heat up in the kitchen and cook something worthy of our old friend.

 

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The Beef and Keith N’Ale Pie literally has a heart of sweet, sweet bacon – dreamy and delicious, just like this fine man.

 

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Beef and Keith N’Ale Pie
Serves: 4

Ingredients
700g diced topside steak
4 tbsp plain flour
250ml dark ale
4 tbsp tomato paste
1 can diced tomatoes
4 cloves garlic, crushed
2 small chillies, finely chopped
1.5 cups beef stock
1 brown onion
2 carrots
2 celery stalks
4 rashers streaky bacon
1 sheet puff pastry, thawed
1 beaten egg for pastry wash
Salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Finely chop the onion, carrots, celery and bacon. In a large saute pan, heat some oil and cook the chopped ingredients until starting to soften. Remove from heat.

Coat diced beef in flour and then brown in oiled saute pan in batches. Return all beef and vegetable/bacon mix to pan. Add garlic, chillies, tomato paste, canned tomatoes, stock and beer and simmer for 10 minutes. Pour into a pie dish and cover tightly with foil.

Preheat oven to 150°C. Bake for 90 minutes or until beef is tender and sauce is significantly reduced. Cover with thawed pastry and brush with beaten egg. Bake for additional 30 minutes until golden and puffed.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Rumball Jenner

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Sweets

Although we are putting on a delicious Christmas spread for her, Kenny Jenner actually really owes us one.

Kendall, or Kenny as she goes by with her inner circle, had the honour of featuring on the Victoria’s Secret runway this year. Did she look amazing? Yes. Did she deserve the opportunity to strut her stuff? Totally. Would she have gotten there without us? No way!

You see, Victoria’s Secret had been positioning our nemesis Ariana Grande to take one of the esteemed runway spots this year. Ariana was invited to perform at the 2014 show as a primer for a walking gig in 2015 – a spot Kenny was desperately coveting. As we had insider goss, we came up with a plan so beautiful the likes of it hadn’t been seen since Fabio copped a goose to the face (also our doing).

You guessed it – we got that bitch wing-slapped. Let’s  be honest, no-one wants this face sauntering down the runway. Kenny was officially in for 2015!

While we haven’t decided how she can repay us just yet, it is the season of giving and it is high time to gift Kenny with our glorious presence again.

 

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Rumball Jenner is the perfect Christmas snack to share with one of the ballsiest bitches around!

 

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Rumball Jenner
Makes: 20.

Ingredients
250g marie biscuits
1 x 395g can sweetened condensed milk
4 tbsp unsweetened dutch cocoa
2 tbsp rum
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup coconut, divided in half

Method
In a food processor, process marie biscuits until fine crumbs form. Add cocoa and half of coconut and pulse until just combined. Tip mixture into a large bowl.

Add rum, sweetened condensed milk and vanilla extract to dry mixture and stir until combined.

Roll heaped tablespoons of mixture into balls and roll in extra coconut. Refrigerate until firm.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

White Kristmas Jenner

Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Snack, Sweets

While publicity whoring is something we clearly have in common with the Kardashian-Jenner klan, naturally our history goes back quite some way with mother hen, Kris.

Ben and I first met Kris when we were trying to start yet another ponzi scheme, this time involving somewhat controversial and unorthodox dieting methods. Kris was entering the mainstream after that whole O.J Simpson thing, looking to leverage her personal fame and attempting to launch her new identity, LudaKris.

Ben, LudaKris and I formed a magical business partnership fondly known as Jenny Kraig. Lose 10 pounds in 10 days? That’s LudaKris! Alas, it was ludicrous and we quickly went out of business.

Despite our early failures, LudaKris eventually decided to go sans-Luda and embrace the momager she was destined to be. What klassy treat can we share with our klassy pal?

 

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White Kristmas is everything a festive treat should be – klassic, kolourful and full of kflavour.

 

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White Kristmas
Serves: 16

Ingredients
1 cup shelled pistachios, finely chopped
1 cup dried cranberries
500g white chocolate
2 cups rice bubbles
1 cup shredded coconut
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Method
Half fill a medium saucepan with water and place on medium heat. Line and grease a rectangular slice tray.

Combine pistachios, cranberries, rice bubbles and coconut in a large bowl.

Place a heatproof metal bowl over saucepan of simmering water. Add white chocolate to bowl and melt over gentle heat. Once just melted stir in vanilla.

Add chocolate and vanilla mixture to dry ingredients and stir until just combined. Pour into prepared pan and refrigerate until set.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Stephen Grilled Fishbach

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Ahhhh, Stephen. This year’s recipient of the humiliating, bumbling trombone-backed fool edit.

I have to admit, I was almost pleased to witness Stephen’s futile attempts at twig snapping, abysmal slingshotting and generally failing at everything around camp. This is because there is a rivalry that runs deep between us. You see, I had set up a complex pyramid scheme designed to grift Tocantins victor JT Thomas out of his million dollar prize. Again proving that he was the brains behind JT’s win, Fish saw right through my scam and stopped JT from investing in my 1800-PROBSTY telephone sex line.

In Second Chances, Stephen found himself a more glorious version of JT to lust after- he went full-on Single White Female and got a little bit lost in Joe’s beauty. Despite this, his strategy of taking out one of the major threats was sound. Perhaps if he’d spent less time being simultaneously painfully awkward and sexually aggressive (is that even possible?) he could have come through with the goods one way or another.

Well, that is if he didn’t get a violent case of the trots.

Fish, why do you keep trying to take what is rightfully ours?

Ben actually caused Fishy’s ‘gastro-intestinal distress’ by slipping a large quantity of laxatives into his water canteen. Yes, we were responsible for the glorious shit fountain and the ensuing ocean deuce. Hands off our man Fish – we don’t mess around when it comes to dreamy mcmansome Joe!

After Stephen’s explosive diarrhoea and not-so-covert aquadump was caught on camera by a helipoopter helicopter, we thought he might want a meal slightly more gentle on that fraught tum-tum of his.

 

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The Stephen Grilled Fishbach is healthy and light without being bland. Served with coleslaw, this fibre-packed meal is guaranteed to cork up even the most ghastly case of brown thunder down under.

 

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Stephen Grilled Fishbach
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 x 150-200g reef fish fillets, scales and bones removed
4 tablespoons plain flour
2 lemons, cut into wedges
Salt and Pepper

Slaw
½ head red cabbage
½ head white cabbage
2 carrots
½ bunch celery
2 granny smith apples
1 small red onion
½ cup greek yoghurt
4 tablespoons whole egg mayonnaise
2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar

Method
Shred carrots, cabbages, apples and onion. Finely chop celery. Combine in a large bowl.

Whisk together mayonnaise, yoghurt and cider vinegar and mix through slaw mix. Refrigerate 1-2 hours for best flavour.

When ready to serve, season the flour with salt and pepper and dredge fish. In a hot oiled pan, grill fish fillets, in batches, until cooked through. Serve with lemon wedges and slaw.

Ciera Beesting

Cake, Dessert, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance, Sweets

It was truly sad to see Ciera idoled out of Survivor: Second Chances. Despite living very different lives (us being super famous and high profile, Ciera never making the final three and therefore being irrelevant), we have always wanted her in our inner circle because, despite her failures, she is a total badass.

You see, we have all disappointed Ciera’s mother/Survivor alumnus Laura Morett through our various types of bad-assery. Ciera made one of the ballsiest moves in Survivor history voting Laura out. Naturally, Laura was pissed but had plenty of admiration for her daughter’s ambitious gameplay.

Rather than voting Laura out, I have never let her in to our highly sought-after inner circle. Recently, Laura attempted to persuade canine political expert and Hilary Clinton advisor Nigella Martha Rodham Hailes (also known as our resident Cavalier King Charles Spaniel) into managing her campaign for Oregon House District 20. Sadly Nigella was busy preparing for Battletoads 2, so it wasn’t to be. Obviously, my constant smack talk about Laura after last year’s amaretti scandal may have influenced this. What kind of monster restricts people to two cookies at a time?

 

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I digress. It is Ciera we are here to comfort on her arrival to Ponderosa. What will provide her some much-needed comfort to ponderova (get it?) where it all went so wrong?

 

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Ciera Beesting
Serves 12

Ingredients
Brioche
¼ cup whole milk
1 tablespoon honey
2 teaspoons active dry yeast
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 ¾ cup plain flour
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
½ teaspoon salt
½ cup unsalted butter, at room temperature

Almond topping
½ cup honey
¼ cup brown sugar
½ cup salted butter
¾ cup sliced almonds

Pastry cream filling
1¼ cups milk
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract or vanilla bean paste
3 large egg yolks
¼ cup caster sugar
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons cornflour

Method
In a small saucepan, combine milk and honey and gently heat until just warm. Pour into the bowl of the stand mixer with dough hook attached, add yeast and allow to bloom.

Once yeast has bloomed, add flour, eggs, salt, sugar and butter. Knead with dough attachment until elastic. Cover and allow to rise for 1 hour.

Once proved, butter and line a medium size springform pan. Gently deflate the dough and then add to springform, stretching dough to fill the base of the pan. Allow to rise again for 20 minutes. Preheat oven to 180C.

While dough is proving for the second time, make the almond topping. In a small saucepan, combine honey, butter and brown sugar and stir until combined. Add almonds and pour over risen brioche dough.

Bake in oven for 22-25 minutes or until top springs back and almonds are golden. Leave to cool while you make the pastry cream.

For pastry cream, combine sugar and egg yolks in a medium bowl. Sift in the plain flour and corn flour and gently whisk until mixture is a smooth paste.

In a saucepan, combine milk and vanilla until simmering. Remove from the heat and gently add into the egg/sugar mixture, whisking constantly to temper eggs.

Once all combined, pour back into saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until thick.

Once pastry cream is complete, gently split cake with a serrated knife. Place base  back in springform tin, top with pastry cream and then with top of cake. Refrigerate at least 2 hours before serving.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

AJ PecLean Pie

Backstreet's back give thanks!, Dessert, Pie, Sweets

When it comes to all-round awesomeness, it is safe to say we have left the best of the BSBs until last. AJ McLean has achieved so many things in his life that we desire, it is hard to be thankful for AJ’s success and not a tad envious.

Ben and I met AJ in the typical fashion – rehab. He was in for a stint for alcohol addiction after bandmate Kevs organised an intervention. We were in there for psychiatric assistance after trying to bump off Jonathan Lipnicki on the premise he had a punchable face.

While we bonded through finger painting and group bingo, AJ shared the tale of his incredible life. Not only had he lived close to Walt Disney World, he had also appeared on the legendary Nickelodeon classics GUTS and Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Swoon.

AJ, thanks for putting our somewhat mediocre lives into perspective. It’s always good to remember that if you haven’t made it on GUTS (or better yet, legends of the hidden temple) you are an unlovable loser who doesn’t deserve happiness.

 

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Today we give thanks for the Gods that are the Backstreet Boys! And for a valid reason to eat delicious, delicious AJ PecLean Pie.

 

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AJ PecLean Pie
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
1 9″ deep dish pie shell
1 cup brown sugar
1 ½ cups golden syrup
⅓ cup melted salted butter
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
4 eggs
2 cups pecans

Method
Preheat oven  to 180C. In a saucepan, combine brown sugar and golden syrup and gently boil for approximately 3 minutes.

While syrup and sugar is cooking, break eggs into bowl of stand mixer and very gently beat until yolks and whites are combined.

Once syrup mixture is ready, set stand mixer with eggs on lowest mixing speed. Gently pour in syrup while eggs are mixing, allowing them to temper. Do not let mixture froth up.

Once syrup and eggs are combined, stir in melted butter, vanilla and pecans. Pour filling into prepared pie shell and bake for 40-45 minutes or until just set. Refrigerate for 3-4 hours or until cool. Serve with whipped cream and no regrets.

 

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