Survivor: Blood vs. Water

Tyson Apostollen

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Baking, Bread, Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Sweets

While Yul most definitely has the most festive name in Survivor history, my dear friend slash Survivor three-peat Tyson is the most festive person to play the game.

I mean, sure, he had an epic three season arc going from cocky douche, to bumbling babe to dominant champion, but he also had a three season ascension in zaddiness which was decidedly festive.

Yes, I only learnt the word zaddie last Thursday.

From his nude Tocantins tribal twink look, to his animalistic Samoan swimmers to his lovely bunch of Caramoan coconuts, Tyson made me feel things that lay dormant inside for year.

Oh what a lovely ma’ fuckin’ bunch of coconuts.

I first met Tys back in the mid-00s while researching Utah as part of my work writing the little known musical The Book Of Mormon, the hit TV show Big Love AND getting into the cycling world as part of an elaborate scheme to bring down Lance Armstrong. My third least favourite Lance.

While I’m not normally keen on the site of male cyclists in lycra – mainly because they only sit around cafes leaving their ball-sweat on the chairs … which in retrospect, should be my jam – I had a soft spot for Tyson and we fell into a passionate love affair.

Like most of my passionate love affairs, ours fizzled out quite quickly – maybe it would have been different if he listed me as his loved one in Tocantins – we remained close friends. Mainly because he was such a babe and it is super hard for me to find friends that have as much sass as I do, so I have to hold on to them when I find them.

But anyway, we celebrated a Christmas together in Utah during our brief romance and he fell in love with my sweet dough. I mean, all freaking Christmas, his face was buried in it, ravenous. But I guess, who can pass up a Tyson Apostollen.

 

 

Inspired by culinary queen Christina Tosi’s Milk Bar stollen, this baby is delicious enough to convert even the most staunchest of anti-marzipan-ers. Fruity and dense with pockets of gooey sweetness, did I just describe myself. Who knows!? Eat up!

Enjoy!

 

 

Tyson Apostollen
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
1 egg yolk
¼ cup muscovado sugar
1 tbsp glucose
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp ground cinnamon
7g active dry yeast
5 ½ cup flour, plus extra for dusting
1 tsp kosher salt
1 ¼ cup warm water
145g butter, cubed, plus extra 115g melted for coating
1 cup raisins
¾ cup craisins
½ cup currants
¼ cup candied lemon
3 tbsp bourbon
250g marzipan, broken into chunks
oil, for brushing
icing sugar, to coat

Method
Whisk the egg yolk, sugar, glucose, vanilla and cinnamon in a medium bowl until fluffy and thick, or about 5 minutes.

Meanwhile combine the yeast, flour and salt in the bowl of a stand mixer. Add the warm water and stir by hand with the dough hook for a minute or so. And by that, holding the dough hook like a wooden spoon. You get it? Anyway, add the yolk mixer, pop the hook in the mixer and knead on medium for about 10 minutes, or until smooth and lump free. Add the cubed butter, piece by piece, allowing the dough to come together after each addition.

Reduce speed to low and add in the mixed fruit, kneading for an additional minute or until combined. Brush a clean large bowl with a flavourless oil, transfer the dough to said bowl, cover with some cling and leave to prove for an hour.

Preheat the oven to 170°C.

Punch back the dough and dot with the marzipan before lightly knead throughout. You could also split the dough in two, roll them out, smear with marzipan and roll up, but I find dotting it throughout haphazardly makes it more cray, like Tys. If you do dot, then split it into two and transfer to a lined baking sheet, shaping like a turkish-bread-esque loaf.

Transfer to the oven and bake for 30-45 minutes, or until golden and an inserted skewer comes out clean. Transfer to a cooling rack and leave to cool.

Once cool, brush with the melted butter and press into the icing sugar to seal. Dis is both good – dis real good – and fresh.

Then devour, greedily.

 

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Brad Culpepper-Steak Pie

Main, Pie, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

So that cat is well and truly out of the bag, with Brad, Sarah and Troyzan outlasting the rest and landing themselves in the final three. The new and improved jury segment lead to some robust debated between Brad and Sarah, with Troyzan relegated to the role of ignored finalist / zero vote second runner-up.

While Sarah played the clearly superior game, Brad did a great job learning from the mistakes of his first game via following the mantra – what would that neat lady Monica do. Turns out, he took it too literally and followed in her footsteps to finish in second.

I mean, sure, the last few days on the island he started to choke and clearly needed a damn snickers, you can’t fault the way he controlled the early game with Sierra and upcycled everything they could salvage from the marooning to ensure their island digs were as stylish and comfortable as any and all five star accommodations.

As you know, Annelie and I have been firm friends with the Culpeppers since Brad’s time in the NFL. After what happened during One World, I knew how critical it was to our renewed friendships to avoid selling stories to the tabloids during this run.

Brad was disappointed to not take out the title when he arrived at Ponderosa but his mood quickly changed when he discovered that I was whipping him up a hearty and comforting Brad Culpepper-Steak Pie to dull the pain slash cure his hanger.

 

 

You really should know by now, that I have a passionate love for pies. Sweet, savoury, fruity and filled with cream – if you can make, I will love it. But obviously, this one is extra delicious given the aggressive kick of pepper elevating the smooth meaty gravy.

Meaty gravy – what delightful imagery.

 

Enjoy!

 

 

Brad Culpepper-Steak Pie
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
olive oil
1kg beef mince
2 onions, sliced
5 cloves of garlic, crushed
4 sprigs thyme, leaves removed
kosher salt, to taste
¼ cup flour
400g can chopped tomatoes
2 cups beef stock
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce
2 tbsp cracked black pepper
salt to taste
2 sheets puff pastry, thawed
1 egg, beaten

Method
Heat a good lug of olive oil in a large pan over medium heat. Add the beef and cook until browned while breaking up with the spoon. Add the onion, garlic, thyme and a pinch of salt and cook for about five minutes. Reduce heat to low, add the flour and cook for a further couple of minutes.

Stir through the tomatoes, stock, Worcestershire sauce and pepper, and simmer for an hour or so.

Preheat the oven to 170°C.

Once the filling is reduced and glorious, transfer to a pie or baking dish. Cover with puff pastry, crimp the edges to seal, prick a couple of steam holes and brush with the beaten egg.

Place in the oven and bake for 20 minutes or so, or until the pastry is golden and crisp.

Serve immediately and devour.

 

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Ciera Eastindoori

Main, Poultry, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

To quote my ex-lover Phil, can you hear it, coming in the air tonight? Oh lord, the sound of conch shells and potential tribal genocide can mean only one thing – SURVIVOR is back top five baby!

My part-time lover then joined the fray and quickly caught us up – 17 years, 33 seasons, all stars, fans, favourites, heroes, villains, blood, water, brains, beauty, brawn, millennials, gen x, yet there is still only one Queen and her name is Sandra.

Jiffy Pop quickly got to work catching us up with the legends – and other people available during filming – returning for another shot at the title. We zeroed in on our brash, llama advocate Tony who claimed to have created the spy shack, a move Sandra successfully utilised in two winning seasons before his one … without the gimmicky name.

My basement flooded to realise that Malcolm was indeed back and he wasn’t just a figment of my sex dreams. I mean, seriously, I was bouncing with anticipation too …

I’ll let Sandra reintroduce herself in her own words – “the Queen stays Queen, adios.”

Cirie got off the couch for the fourth time and reaffirmed her passion for being the smiling assassin and her hope to finally convert her killer gameplay into a victory.  Our tiger swimsuit wearing, ex-model, water technician, farmer, stockbroker, football coach and explorer Debbie then reminded us that she is built for this game – despite looking susceptible to blowing over in the breeze – due to her tenacity of a giant squid.

Oh and my frenemy Culpepper said something? FUCK YOU BRAD CULPEPPER, Probst is on a shipwreck. Can you beat Probst on a shipwreck?! No. No you can’t.

We joined the castaways on a ship where Probst fulfilled his obligation to sell the theme, no matter how much of a stretch it was – remember the milk drones of Millennials vs. Gen X? – saying that everyone was selected because of their willingness to make game changing moves. Though when he mentioned “some of you made subtle moves,” he looked like he died a little inside.

Continuing to get reacquainted, Ozzy shared that he still has nightmares about losing money – make another Playboy Channel movie, surely that pays – JT proclaimed Sandra won’t be the only two time winner, Cirie gave her first chuckle of the season saying he was wrong and Zeke geeked out.

My boy then split them into their two tribes, where he screwed Cirie hard by sticking her with two well known nemeses. Let’s hope this is a beginning of a supreme underdog edit?

Wanting to change the game, Jiffy Pop offered the tribes an opportunity to win a massive toolkit for the first person to swim out to a bouy and untie knots. Echoing the audience, Malcolm saw zero point in going for this given the fact that Ozzy is part dolphin and would definitely win. That being said, bless Caleb for trying. Bless.

And with that, they were off with Debbie added wrestler to her resume and body-slammed Malcolm into the deck of the boat. Tai stole chickens from Ciera and Sandra before said chickens attempted to drown him as they dived off the ship together. Clearly none of them were fans of becoming Mark 2.0.

We arrived at Mana, where Tony immediately ran off looking for the idol speaking llama, while Sandra proved why she is the OG spy who actually invented the spy shack and followed him into the woods with dear Caleb to ensure he didn’t find said idol while Hali appeared to assure us that she is a game changer and is the cobra nobody is thinking about.

Meanwhile Nuku arrived at their camp where Zeke fanboyed at his fellow castaways before they noticed three goats on the hill, hopefully not an omen for things to come at final tribal council. Sarah then congratulated herself for her killer social game, ten minutes into the show and Sierra walked us through the secret advantage Andrea repeatedly walked over during the entire marooning.

(FYI, it is a legacy advantage eligible at final 13 or 6).

Sierra then continued her play as Wentworth 2.0 and approached Brad and Ozzy about forming an alliance to target Cirie. Though let’s be honest here, Sierra’s real game changing move is that make-up that just won’t come off.

Cirie then approached Ozzy about their past – where she brutally blindsided him while he was at his peak cockiness – to ensure he wasn’t entering the game with any baggage. Despite claiming they were cool, he then wandered off with Tai to tell him he wasn’t sure about Cirie. Tai being Tai then went and told Cirie she should try and clear the air. Obviously Cirie questioned this, terrifying and confusing Tai who just stood paralysed by shock.

But can we please get the screenshot of Tai’s confused face as a meme? Contact meme corp, I need this asap.

The next day Tony ran off again, this time looking to build a spy bunker, which I assume will be as successful as the sunken shelter Rupert built in All Stars. Thankfully he was caught lying down in his half-dug grave by Troyzan, hopefully putting a kibosh on the bunker.

Ciera then quickly appeared, surprisingly not to talk BIG MOVEZ, but to give her extremely insightful analysis of what was happening and announced that everyone should target Tony and Caleb, to put an end to their burgeoning bromance and Tony’s always possible idol.

Sadly for Ciera, that isn’t what Malcolm wanted, knowing he needs a meat shield, putting her in danger.

But before anything further could happen, Jiffy Pop returned for the first immunity challenge of the season where seven members of each tribe had to paddle out to a platform in the ocean, someone had to swim for some keys, everyone on the platform then mounted a box before traversing an obstacle course back to the shore.

They then had to dig some holes – awkward for Caleb, given the history – before, obviously, complete a puzzle.

Given their was swimming involved and Ozzy is in the cast, Nuku took an early lead that despite the locks not laying down for Debbie like lovers, never really disappeared as Cirie and her biggest fan Zeke secured immunity.

Let’s run stats here – this is the first first immunity Sandra has ever lost and the third for both Varner and Malcolm. Conversely this is the first first challenge Cirie has won in her four seasons. So yay for Cirie?

Back at camp Varner lamented his shocking track record before deciding they need to target the weakest off the threats, which Aubry and Tony decided was Ciera. Sandra, continuing her Queendom was asked to put a name out there, to which she affirmed her winning strategy and told them to tell her the names and she’ll tell them how she feels.

Slay, queen.

Of course, Ciera “she voted out her mom” Eastin then arrived at the pre-tribal pow-wow, causing everyone to splinter and discuss the vote in smaller groups. Not having the luxury of viewing her first season before playing a second, Michaela discovered that Ciera thought everyone was targeting her instead resulting in her epic sass, which may not fly on an All Stars season.

Almost like the sass manifested her, Queen Sandra then dropped by to tell us that Ciera was always an easy target and that maybe booting Michaela and her less charming attitude was the better idea.

It was then – obviously – that we arrived at tribal where Tony’s craziness was addressed, Malcolm continued to be dreamy, Caleb and Michaela addressed their unknown entity status before Sandra continued to display why she is the only two time winner … before Hali then quoted Sandra and terrified Ciera as they went to vote.

Sadly for Ciera, her trend to double her previous placement continued and she found herself exiting the game as the first boot. (For those playing at home, that means Ciera will only play again if there is a season of 40 people. She would again be the first boot).

As you know, we’ve long been friends with the badass Eastin-Moretts and you just know that there was no one Ciera would rather see, after suffering the indignity of becoming a first boot.

While we usually go for something sweet, I thought Ciera needed something with a bit of a kick to cheer her up so went with her Ciera Eastindoori Chicken. And hey, she may have been the first boot … but she was also the first castaway to have two recipes, so you win some I guess?

 

 

Spicy, soothing and with a little bit of fire, this perfectly reflects the beat qualities of my dear, dear friend. Plus, there is raita involved so you can’t lose.

Enjoy!

 

 

Ciera Eastindoori
Serves: 4-6 … or, you know the drill, a disappointed first boot and her dear friend.

Ingredients
1kg chicken thigh fillets
½ cup tandoori paste
¼ cup natural yoghurt
2 cups long grain rice
1 tsp ground turmeric
raita and coriander leaves, to serve

Method
Combine the tandoori paste and yoghurt in a bowl, add the chicken and toss to coat. Cover and allow to marinate in the fridge overnight … or as long as possible, if you were unaware your friend would get the boot.

The next day, preheat oven to 180°C.

Once the oven is nice and hot, place the chicken on a lined baking sheet and cook for about twenty minutes or until cooked through and browned on top.

Rinse the rice until water runs clean, place it in a large saucepan with the turmeric and 3 cups of water, and bring to the boil over medium heat. Once boiling, reduce heat to low, cover and cook for about ten minutes or until the water is just absorbed.

Serve the chicken on a bed of rice with an extremely generous dollop of raita. I mean, this was for a first boot ok? Then devour.

 

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Carbonaras Bascakas

Main, Pasta, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands

Guys can you believe there is just under a week until Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands premieres?!

As excited as I am to see Sandra’s likely triumphant return, I am getting concerned that the blogs apparent hex – see: all the deaths I caused last year and Bob Harper’s heart attack as proof – may cause her to finally have her torch snuffed.

I don’t know if I want to live in that world, you know?

Anyway, my fears really started to get to me so I reached out to my calmest bestie / Survivor victor / total babe Aras Baskauskas.

As you know, Annelie and I met Aras through his (also babin’) big brother Vytas. Depsite them not agreeing to a double wedding, we helped Aras get on Survivor: Panama and helped him navigate the insanity of Casaya by spilling incorrect information to Shane on his island Blackberry … and calling the whambulance for Terry.

After his win, I helped Aras write his debut – and surprisingly beautiful, FYI – album before encouraging him to fulfill Annelie and my wish to see those beautiful boys together on Survivor for the OG / Game Changing, Blood vs. Water.

Sadly they didn’t completely fulfill our wish by competing completely nude in an homage to Dickie Hatch.

Aras and I haven’t been able to catch up much lately, what with me busy galavanting around the globe with Probsty, Jo-Jo LaPags and being sickening with RuPaul and co, so it was such a treat to continue to lay low (post #Envelopegate, obvi) with my beautiful friend.

Knowing the target that comes with being a returning winner, Aras knows Sandy has an uphill battle but agrees that her open, loyal reputation should keep her safe for the first few rounds.

Plus – she is sassy as fuck AND entertaining, so it should keep people on side for a while.

We also agree that Tony is toast and JT’s Heroes vs.Villains blunder should protect him for a few rounds.

With that our countdown discussions concluded, we went for a quick skinny dip at Santa Monica and returned home to split a delightful Carbonaras Bascakas.

 

carbonaras-bascakas-1

 

Yes – this is based off the glorious cake in Jamie Oliver’s Christmas cookbook. Sadly I didn’t have any leftovers when I dropped by Aras’ crib, so I fancied up the recipe and – dare I say it – made it even better.

Aras’ beauty deserves no less – enjoy!

 

carbonaras-bascakas-2

 

Carbonaras Bascakas
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g dried spaghetti
olive oil
250g pancetta, thinly sliced.
4 eggs
300ml double cream
1 tbsp chilli flakes
zest of a lemon
2 sprigs of fresh rosemary
200g parmesan cheese, grated

Method
Preheat the oven to 180ºC and grease the base of a springform cake tin with oil.

Cook the spaghetti as per packet instructions, drain and leave to cool slightly in a colander while you fry the pancetta until lightly crisped.

Combine the eggs, cream, chilli and zest in a large bowl with a good whack of pepper and whisk together. Add the spaghetti, pancetta, rosemary leaves and most of the cheese to the bowl and toss to coat.

Sprinkle the remaining cheese on the base of the pan, pour in the pasta – at this point I sprinkle with further cheese – place the tin on a baking tray and bake for about half an hour, or until golden and delicious.

Allow to rest for five minutes before detinning, carving and devouring.

 

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Tinaan Wesson

Bread, Side, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, Vegetarian

I know what you’re thinking – please, stop with the fucking posts and give the internet a break, we are sick of you!

Firstly, cool, point taken. But sorry, no can do. And secondly, fuck you, you come here by choice, why be so nasty to me? Thirdly, thanking for boosting my traffic though.

Anyway, let’s stop the drama because something very exciting is almost upon us – Queen Sandra Diaz-Twine is but four weeks away from kicking off her run for a third Survivor crown. Which she will win.

To get in the spirit this season, I thought I would round up four of my favourite winners and countdown to this momentous occasion. And obviously I am starting things with my second favourite winner behind Queen SDT, Tina Wesson.

I mean, she is the closest (other than my girl Parv) to snatching a second crown, so what’s not to love?

I first met Teens while Survivor: The Australian Outback was in production. I was a newbie, 13 year old fan and was desperate to connect with Probst, so trekked Queensland until I stumbled into the Kucha camp on Day 17.

That stumble changed the course of the game as I accidently pushed Scupin into the fire – in addition, I met my frenemy Lis Filarski, made out with Varner and wagged my finger in Alicia’s face, so win – and allowed Ogakor to tie things up, leading to Tina dominating and winner the game.

While she is one of the best low-key masterminds, Tina was always grateful for my accidental assistance and we have been close ever since.

As a Survivor tragic, Teens was thrilled to get my call and to try and get some information out of me pre-season. Particularly since I was promising a table full of freshly made Tinaan Wesson.

27 days until the premiere – who will join me next week? *Spoiler alert* he is banging.

 

tinaan-wesson-1

 

Now I could make an argument for any form of bread being the best, but a filled naan would have to be up the top of the list. Scorched, warm, pillowy dough enclosing a cheesy, spiced spinach mixture. Need I say more?

Enjoy!

 

tinaan-wesson-2

 

Tinaan Wesson
Makes: 8.

Ingredients
7g dry yeast
1 tbsp caster sugar
2 cup flour, plus more for rolling
1 tbsp olive oil
salt and pepper
1 bunch of baby spinach, washed and chopped
3 cloves of garlic, crushed
1 tsp chilli flakes
½ cup cheddar cheese, grated

Method
To make the dough, combine ½ cup of warm water in jug with the sugar and yeast. Give a quick stir and leave to rest for about 10 minutes, or until foamy and smelling like a brewery.

Place the flour in a large bowl of a stand mixer, pour in the yeasty water, oil and a pinch of salt and knead with a dough hook for five minutes, or until combined to make a smooth, elastic dough.

Transfer to a large, oiled bowl and leave to prove for an hour, or until doubled in size.

While the dough is proving itself like Tina in the outback, heat a lug of oil in a medium frying pan and cook the garlic for a minute. Reduce heat to low and add the spinach, chilli and a good whack of pepper. Cook until all moisture is removed. Take it off the heat and allow to cool for ten minutes or so, before adding in the cheese.

Once the dough and filling are ready, transfer the dough to a bench, punch back and split into 6-8 chunks – depending on how big you’d like your naans.

One at a time, roll out the ball of dough place the filling in the centre and seal it into a ball. Dust the ball with flour, press to flatten and roll into an oval shape. Continue until all the dough and mix are done.

Once ready, heat a small skillet over medium-low heat, sprinkle some water on the naan and place on the pan. Cook for a three minutes or, flip and cook for a further couple of minutes. You want it to be golden and crisp but still soft on the edges … and most importantly the cheese melted.

Devour.

 

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Ciera Beesting

Cake, Dessert, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance, Sweets

It was truly sad to see Ciera idoled out of Survivor: Second Chances. Despite living very different lives (us being super famous and high profile, Ciera never making the final three and therefore being irrelevant), we have always wanted her in our inner circle because, despite her failures, she is a total badass.

You see, we have all disappointed Ciera’s mother/Survivor alumnus Laura Morett through our various types of bad-assery. Ciera made one of the ballsiest moves in Survivor history voting Laura out. Naturally, Laura was pissed but had plenty of admiration for her daughter’s ambitious gameplay.

Rather than voting Laura out, I have never let her in to our highly sought-after inner circle. Recently, Laura attempted to persuade canine political expert and Hilary Clinton advisor Nigella Martha Rodham Hailes (also known as our resident Cavalier King Charles Spaniel) into managing her campaign for Oregon House District 20. Sadly Nigella was busy preparing for Battletoads 2, so it wasn’t to be. Obviously, my constant smack talk about Laura after last year’s amaretti scandal may have influenced this. What kind of monster restricts people to two cookies at a time?

 

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I digress. It is Ciera we are here to comfort on her arrival to Ponderosa. What will provide her some much-needed comfort to ponderova (get it?) where it all went so wrong?

 

IMG_6189

 

Ciera Beesting
Serves 12

Ingredients
Brioche
¼ cup whole milk
1 tablespoon honey
2 teaspoons active dry yeast
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 ¾ cup plain flour
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
½ teaspoon salt
½ cup unsalted butter, at room temperature

Almond topping
½ cup honey
¼ cup brown sugar
½ cup salted butter
¾ cup sliced almonds

Pastry cream filling
1¼ cups milk
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract or vanilla bean paste
3 large egg yolks
¼ cup caster sugar
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons cornflour

Method
In a small saucepan, combine milk and honey and gently heat until just warm. Pour into the bowl of the stand mixer with dough hook attached, add yeast and allow to bloom.

Once yeast has bloomed, add flour, eggs, salt, sugar and butter. Knead with dough attachment until elastic. Cover and allow to rise for 1 hour.

Once proved, butter and line a medium size springform pan. Gently deflate the dough and then add to springform, stretching dough to fill the base of the pan. Allow to rise again for 20 minutes. Preheat oven to 180C.

While dough is proving for the second time, make the almond topping. In a small saucepan, combine honey, butter and brown sugar and stir until combined. Add almonds and pour over risen brioche dough.

Bake in oven for 22-25 minutes or until top springs back and almonds are golden. Leave to cool while you make the pastry cream.

For pastry cream, combine sugar and egg yolks in a medium bowl. Sift in the plain flour and corn flour and gently whisk until mixture is a smooth paste.

In a saucepan, combine milk and vanilla until simmering. Remove from the heat and gently add into the egg/sugar mixture, whisking constantly to temper eggs.

Once all combined, pour back into saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until thick.

Once pastry cream is complete, gently split cake with a serrated knife. Place base  back in springform tin, top with pastry cream and then with top of cake. Refrigerate at least 2 hours before serving.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.