12 Days of Survivor Christmas

Tyson Apostollen

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Baking, Bread, Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Sweets

While Yul most definitely has the most festive name in Survivor history, my dear friend slash Survivor three-peat Tyson is the most festive person to play the game.

I mean, sure, he had an epic three season arc going from cocky douche, to bumbling babe to dominant champion, but he also had a three season ascension in zaddiness which was decidedly festive.

Yes, I only learnt the word zaddie last Thursday.

From his nude Tocantins tribal twink look, to his animalistic Samoan swimmers to his lovely bunch of Caramoan coconuts, Tyson made me feel things that lay dormant inside for year.

Oh what a lovely ma’ fuckin’ bunch of coconuts.

I first met Tys back in the mid-00s while researching Utah as part of my work writing the little known musical The Book Of Mormon, the hit TV show Big Love AND getting into the cycling world as part of an elaborate scheme to bring down Lance Armstrong. My third least favourite Lance.

While I’m not normally keen on the site of male cyclists in lycra – mainly because they only sit around cafes leaving their ball-sweat on the chairs … which in retrospect, should be my jam – I had a soft spot for Tyson and we fell into a passionate love affair.

Like most of my passionate love affairs, ours fizzled out quite quickly – maybe it would have been different if he listed me as his loved one in Tocantins – we remained close friends. Mainly because he was such a babe and it is super hard for me to find friends that have as much sass as I do, so I have to hold on to them when I find them.

But anyway, we celebrated a Christmas together in Utah during our brief romance and he fell in love with my sweet dough. I mean, all freaking Christmas, his face was buried in it, ravenous. But I guess, who can pass up a Tyson Apostollen.

 

 

Inspired by culinary queen Christina Tosi’s Milk Bar stollen, this baby is delicious enough to convert even the most staunchest of anti-marzipan-ers. Fruity and dense with pockets of gooey sweetness, did I just describe myself. Who knows!? Eat up!

Enjoy!

 

 

Tyson Apostollen
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
1 egg yolk
¼ cup muscovado sugar
1 tbsp glucose
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp ground cinnamon
7g active dry yeast
5 ½ cup flour, plus extra for dusting
1 tsp kosher salt
1 ¼ cup warm water
145g butter, cubed, plus extra 115g melted for coating
1 cup raisins
¾ cup craisins
½ cup currants
¼ cup candied lemon
3 tbsp bourbon
250g marzipan, broken into chunks
oil, for brushing
icing sugar, to coat

Method
Whisk the egg yolk, sugar, glucose, vanilla and cinnamon in a medium bowl until fluffy and thick, or about 5 minutes.

Meanwhile combine the yeast, flour and salt in the bowl of a stand mixer. Add the warm water and stir by hand with the dough hook for a minute or so. And by that, holding the dough hook like a wooden spoon. You get it? Anyway, add the yolk mixer, pop the hook in the mixer and knead on medium for about 10 minutes, or until smooth and lump free. Add the cubed butter, piece by piece, allowing the dough to come together after each addition.

Reduce speed to low and add in the mixed fruit, kneading for an additional minute or until combined. Brush a clean large bowl with a flavourless oil, transfer the dough to said bowl, cover with some cling and leave to prove for an hour.

Preheat the oven to 170°C.

Punch back the dough and dot with the marzipan before lightly knead throughout. You could also split the dough in two, roll them out, smear with marzipan and roll up, but I find dotting it throughout haphazardly makes it more cray, like Tys. If you do dot, then split it into two and transfer to a lined baking sheet, shaping like a turkish-bread-esque loaf.

Transfer to the oven and bake for 30-45 minutes, or until golden and an inserted skewer comes out clean. Transfer to a cooling rack and leave to cool.

Once cool, brush with the melted butter and press into the icing sugar to seal. Dis is both good – dis real good – and fresh.

Then devour, greedily.

 

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Yule Log Kwon

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Baking, Cake, Dessert, Survivor, Sweets

This year Christmas decided it didn’t want to play ball with our scheduling, so instead of leaving you hanging for a couple of days I decided to do a couple of throwback slash additional 12 Days of Survivor Christmas recipes to fill the gap. And no that isn’t a reference to them being zaddies.

But then again, it’s not not a reference to them being zaddies.

Despite kind of disappearing from the Survivor world after his dominant – even without the God idol – performance in Cook Islands, I can never imagine a yuletide without my dear friend Yul Kwon.

You see, I first met my dear friend Yul while he was attending Yale Law School. As is oft the case, I was running a scam – different to the Vice Chancellor one Hiz caught me out on – Yul figured it out and I returned to priz to find my ciggies and barter my way to greatness slash escaping priz.

Given he was such a babe and was so damn nice, I couldn’t help but stay in contact with him and guilt him into helping me become a better person. While you can question his success, I did love how hard he tried and so recruited him for Survivor to say thanks.

While Ozzy gets a lot of credit for his Cook Islands performance and the triumph of the Aitu 4, Yul is the glue that held everything together and successfully kept them in the game and carried them to success. I was in Los Angeles for his pre-Christmas victory and we were both desperate for something celebratory AND festive, which led to the birth of my famed Yule Log Kwon.

 

 

Inspired by Nigella Lawson’s take on the holiday classic, there is no better way to celebratory the holidays than with a thick, fat, nutty yule log. Which sounds a lot like I’m talking about scat … but I’m not, because this is delicious.

Enjoy!

It’s not scat.

 

 

Yule Log Kwon
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 eggs, consciously uncoupled
150g muscovado sugar
50g cocoa powder
1 tsp vanilla extract, plus 1 tbsp for the buttercream
½ cup hazelnuts, peeled, lightly toasted and roughly chopped
200g dark chocolate, chopped
250g icing sugar, plus extra for dusting
225g butter, at room temperature

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Uncouple the eggs into two separate bowls – the whites into a large, clean, dry bowl of a stand mixer and the yolks in a medium bowl. In should also be clean, FYI. Whisk the whites at medium speed, until they’re forming thick peaks. Sprinkle in about a third of the sugar and continue whisking until stiff peaks are holding.

Now focus on the yolk bowl, whisking in the cocoa, vanilla and remaining sugar until it forms a moussy consistency. Lighten the yolk mixture with a couple of dollops of egg whites before folding the rest through in thirds, followed by the hazelnuts, making sure to retain as much air as possible.

Transfer to a lined swiss roll pan and bake for about 20 minutes. Remove and allow to cool for about five minutes, before transferring to a cooling rack until completely cooled.

While things are chilling, melt the chocolate in the microwave and set aside before beating the icing sugar, butter and tablespoon of vanilla in a stand mixer on medium, or until pale and fluffy. Fold through the cooled chocolate until smooth.

To assemble, place the sheet of cake on lined, flat surface and trim the edges. Smear a thin layer of icing over the top of the cake – all the way to the edges – before rolling tightly along the longer side. Cut the ends on an angle to make it look more loggy and place the off-cuts on the side, setting with some additional icing. Generously ice the complete log, covering all the surfaces, before scratching in some wood marks using a skewer or fork. Make sure you don’t forget the rings at the end.

Dust with a light flurry of icing sugar before devouring.

 

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Parvlova Shallow

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Dessert

It’s always a relief when our escapades don’t wind up with a period of incarceration/sectioning.

After a particularly unfortunate incident involving Bob Harper, several pints of Ben and Jerry’s and hundreds of cable-ties, Ben and I were ordered to deal with our court-determined ‘issues’ through a yoga retreat. Through serendipity we landed in the care of Survivor royalty and all-round legend, Parvati Shallow. Parvati allowed us to express ourselves through a combination of relaxing yoga and scrappy beat-downs (she is also a boxer).

As our kindred spirit, Parvs visits each year for an early Christmas ‘do, where we debrief the most recent season of survivor and inevitably reach consensus that nothing will ever beat her outstanding gameplay in Survivor: Micronesia.

This year we decided to greet Parvati with a distinctly Australian take on Christmas dessert – the Parvlova Shallow.

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Just like Parvati herself, the Parvlova shallow is sweet and enticing with it’s fresh summer berries and pillowy meringue. Also somewhat like Parvati, shortly after consumption you will find yourself rolling around with an intense, cream-induced stomach ache, wondering – how can something so sweet and delightful be such a source of buns-kicking badness?

Parvati, this is our tribute to you.

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Parvlova Shallow
Serves 8

Ingredients
6 egg whites
1 1/2 cups caster sugar
2 tablespoons cornflour
1 teaspoon vinegar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
500mL thickened cream
2 cups mixed berries

Method
Preheat oven to 120 degrees celsius.
In a stand mixer, beat egg whites until soft peaks form. Gradually add sugar, one tablespoon at a time, until meringue is thick and glossy. Mix in sifted cornflour, vanilla and vinegar.
Using the base of a springform pan, trace around pan onto a sheet of non-stick baking paper. Place baking paper, circle side down, on a large baking tray. Spoon meringue mixture within the lines of the baking paper circle, smoothing to make a large disk approximately 10cm high.
Bake for 2 hours, or until set. Leave to cool in oven with door ajar.
To serve: Whip cream until soft peaks form. Cover top of pavlova with cream and berries. Serve immediately.

Rocky Reid Road

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Dessert

In a season that bought us Dreams, Yau-Man and the delightful Earl you may ask yourselves, why did Ben and I fall so hard for Survivor Fiji contestant Rocky Reid and his serious lack of charm?

Naturally, we have history.

Ben and Rocky were fierce competitors in the 1994 National Sylvester Stallone doppelganger competition in which I was Ben’s micromanaging, cruel and generally narcissistic coach/momager. While Rocky was crowned the winner, Ben went on to body-double for Sly for hit films including Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot and the glorious Rhinestone (we can time travel, remember). Rocky couldn’t handle Ben’s success on the big screen and so naturally the two wound up in a relationship-destroying gutter brawl.

Despite the relationship breakdown, it was our love of (and regular participation in) scrag-fighting that brought the three of us back together. Rocky’s constant clashes with fellow Survivor contestant and expert witness locator Anthony Robinson endeared us to him yet again.

Given that Rocky hasn’t done anything particularly spectacular since his appearance on survivor, he had plenty of time to drop by to catch up on lost time. What else do you serve someone Rocky by name, rocky by relationship nature? Rocky Reid Road was the only possible way forward.

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Our rocky road flies in the face of tradition – white chocolate, pistachios and dried cranberry in place of the traditional peanut and cherry combination. While unconventional, it is a truly delicious mix which is also rather festive thanks to the delightful flecks of green and red.

rocky 3

Rocky Reid Road
Serves: 24 small pieces

Ingredients
250g white chocolate
100g mini marshmallows
1/2 cup dried cranberries
1/2 cup shelled pistachios, chopped roughly
Method
Line and grease a brownie tray.
Gently melt the white chocolate in a double boiler until just melted.
In a medium bowl, mix all dry ingredients together. Pour over melted chocolate and stir until just combined.
Spread mixture into brownie tray and refrigerate until set (2-3 hours). Cut into squares and dig in.