Tyson Apostollen

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Baking, Bread, Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Sweets

While Yul most definitely has the most festive name in Survivor history, my dear friend slash Survivor three-peat Tyson is the most festive person to play the game.

I mean, sure, he had an epic three season arc going from cocky douche, to bumbling babe to dominant champion, but he also had a three season ascension in zaddiness which was decidedly festive.

Yes, I only learnt the word zaddie last Thursday.

From his nude Tocantins tribal twink look, to his animalistic Samoan swimmers to his lovely bunch of Caramoan coconuts, Tyson made me feel things that lay dormant inside for year.

Oh what a lovely ma’ fuckin’ bunch of coconuts.

I first met Tys back in the mid-00s while researching Utah as part of my work writing the little known musical The Book Of Mormon, the hit TV show Big Love AND getting into the cycling world as part of an elaborate scheme to bring down Lance Armstrong. My third least favourite Lance.

While I’m not normally keen on the site of male cyclists in lycra – mainly because they only sit around cafes leaving their ball-sweat on the chairs … which in retrospect, should be my jam – I had a soft spot for Tyson and we fell into a passionate love affair.

Like most of my passionate love affairs, ours fizzled out quite quickly – maybe it would have been different if he listed me as his loved one in Tocantins – we remained close friends. Mainly because he was such a babe and it is super hard for me to find friends that have as much sass as I do, so I have to hold on to them when I find them.

But anyway, we celebrated a Christmas together in Utah during our brief romance and he fell in love with my sweet dough. I mean, all freaking Christmas, his face was buried in it, ravenous. But I guess, who can pass up a Tyson Apostollen.

 

 

Inspired by culinary queen Christina Tosi’s Milk Bar stollen, this baby is delicious enough to convert even the most staunchest of anti-marzipan-ers. Fruity and dense with pockets of gooey sweetness, did I just describe myself. Who knows!? Eat up!

Enjoy!

 

 

Tyson Apostollen
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
1 egg yolk
¼ cup muscovado sugar
1 tbsp glucose
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp ground cinnamon
7g active dry yeast
5 ½ cup flour, plus extra for dusting
1 tsp kosher salt
1 ¼ cup warm water
145g butter, cubed, plus extra 115g melted for coating
1 cup raisins
¾ cup craisins
½ cup currants
¼ cup candied lemon
3 tbsp bourbon
250g marzipan, broken into chunks
oil, for brushing
icing sugar, to coat

Method
Whisk the egg yolk, sugar, glucose, vanilla and cinnamon in a medium bowl until fluffy and thick, or about 5 minutes.

Meanwhile combine the yeast, flour and salt in the bowl of a stand mixer. Add the warm water and stir by hand with the dough hook for a minute or so. And by that, holding the dough hook like a wooden spoon. You get it? Anyway, add the yolk mixer, pop the hook in the mixer and knead on medium for about 10 minutes, or until smooth and lump free. Add the cubed butter, piece by piece, allowing the dough to come together after each addition.

Reduce speed to low and add in the mixed fruit, kneading for an additional minute or until combined. Brush a clean large bowl with a flavourless oil, transfer the dough to said bowl, cover with some cling and leave to prove for an hour.

Preheat the oven to 170°C.

Punch back the dough and dot with the marzipan before lightly knead throughout. You could also split the dough in two, roll them out, smear with marzipan and roll up, but I find dotting it throughout haphazardly makes it more cray, like Tys. If you do dot, then split it into two and transfer to a lined baking sheet, shaping like a turkish-bread-esque loaf.

Transfer to the oven and bake for 30-45 minutes, or until golden and an inserted skewer comes out clean. Transfer to a cooling rack and leave to cool.

Once cool, brush with the melted butter and press into the icing sugar to seal. Dis is both good – dis real good – and fresh.

Then devour, greedily.

 

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Long Island J.T.

Drink, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Andrea’s ball-handling skills won out over Varner’s – I’m simultaneously shocked and not surprised in the slightest – resulting in Mana and Nuku heading to a joint tribal council where Jeff’s jealousy got the best of him and he twist-fucked my beautiful, angel Malcolm.

Jealousy isn’t cute Jeffrey, even on you. Why can’t he just trust me?

Despite a shitty outcome after a shitty move from J.T. – seriously, Hali did what you wanted to do but was successful – that tribal council was majestic

We opened up back at Nuku where Queen Sandra quickly got to work shaking down J.T. for his betrayal, resulting in Malcolm’s outster. While they didn’t seem to be buying it, the fact that it resulted in the ouster of his sole friend on the tribe definitely helped. Though even with that little helpful fact, he crossed Sandra and she vowed for revenge … and you know how her revenge plots generally work out (see: Fairplay and Hantz).

The next morning, J.T. realised that he was still well screwed – whether he realised it was his own doing, I’m still not sure – so decided to quickly go idol hunting, which sadly for the Queen was successful. Given his history with idols, I wouldn’t be as confident as he is that it will keep him in the game … he may write a love letter to Ozzy and give it away during the next challenge.

On that note, Jeffrey returned to the screen for the reward challenge / to try and win me back after his tribal council slight. Tavua were shocked to discover that despite a double tribal council Mana was completely intact and Nuku had lost – of all people – Malcolm, God amongst men, flooder of basements, wetter of dreams, bombs of sex.

Trying even harder to make it up to me, Jeffrey announced the challenge involved grappling hooks to snag something to help balance balls, long hard beams, inserted said balls into holes … and a slide puzzle, because they obviously need to finish with a puzzle. What’s more, they were playing for PBJ, milk and cookies (or PBJ only for the second place finisher) –  so desperate to win me over but adding a P to my BJ isn’t going to work, even if I’m getting milk, Jeffrey.

Sierra got Mana out to an early lead, which was then snatched by Tavua by way of Ozzy’s insane challenge ability … while J.T. continued to paint that target even more obviously on his back, unable to balance on my a beam, much to Michaela’s chagrin.

Thanks to Ozzy and Sarah, Zeke got to the puzzle section of the challenge well in front securing victory, while Debbie dropped the ball – literally – giving Aubry time to catch up and give Sandra time to take out her first second place.

Back at camp, Debbie was pissed at losing sandwiches and decided to flip out over Brad’s dictatorship, despite saying she was good on balance beams and Brad agreeing she should complete that section … before completely choking.

Sarah oddly returned to the screen after a two episode hiatus, to talk about her continuing criminal gameplay. Since she hasn’t attended tribal council once, this felt odd … almost like they were trying to remind us she existed and was changing her game? *Coughs, winner edit*. To keep her options open, she approached Troyzan about forming an alliance and keeping the game exciting, rather than sticking with her boring four person alliance.

Troyzan was obviously thrilled about the possibility of keeping his hands firmly on his idol.

Debbie’s rage continued to boil over at Mana, quickly turning into a full-blown meltdown. Where she complaining about Hali getting everything she wants, despite being completely on the outs and openly threatened to stay in line at the last tribal council.

To work through the rage, Debs then did push ups on the beach to focus on her 8-pack.

Back at Nuku, J.T. and Aubry were busy running an island cafe – much to their annoyance – whipping up a beverage for Michaela, consisting of 7 drip of coffees and a generous scoop of sugar. J.T. was ropable that he was being treated like a servant and Michaela was wasting his sugar on minimal liquid.

Sandra decided to continue in her hallowed tradition of sabotage and stir the pot a little – see throwing out the fish and Christa under the bus or burning Russell’s hat for smelling like arse – and eat the rest of the sugar to create tension between them. It worked … but surprisingly Michaela kept her cool when confronted by J.T. however it did seem to make him feel secure in his place within the tribe, which is masterful if she wants to blindside him down the track.

Back at Mana, Tai decided two idols in two seasons weren’t enough, and went on a hunt for his career third. While he quickly found a clue by sticking his hand into a small, dark hole. It was cryptic, saying to soak a board until a symbol appeared and then dig under it. Given the camera’s focus on the well, I assume it is hidden there.

Sensing me softening to him, Jeff returned for the immunity challenge which involved climbing a wall, flipping a cube to get a key, opening a chest, grabbing out some balls, crossing a balance beam and firing your balls at a target.

Debbie was very sassy about wanting to be on the balance beam but was quickly out-vote leading to a majestic challenge where Debbie stayed one step ahead of her tribe – who were surprisingly in the lead – to remind them that she is the challenge beast of the tribe and is carrying them.

It was a back-and-forth challenge with Nuku taking the lead before it was quickly snatched by Tavua and Mana thanks to Ozzy, Andrea and the sub-par balance ability of Hali, Debs would have you know.

Thankfully Ozzy failed at the slingshot evening things up before Brad stormed out in front and snatched Mana their first immunity win, leading to a battle between Ozzy and J.T. … which Ozzy just won, sending Nuku back to tribal council.

Michaela was hopeful that a challenge ending with slingshots wouldn’t be her undoing a second time, given that the season is called game changers. Which isn’t great logic but it always pays to be hopeful.

Back at camp, Aubry was unsure of which tribe she was a part of but knew the Survivor gods were not on their sides, in any event. Aubry softened to the idea of keeping J.T., believing that Michaela was the most difficult person to have around.

J.T. rallied the troops to vote out Michaela, with Sandra proving why she is the queen, making him feel extremely safe and committed to booting the dirty sugar thief, that she framed … before immediately approaching Michaela and Varner to blindside J.T.

While Varner loved his position as the swing vote he was undecided whether targeting the threat with the idol or the girl with the bad attitude was the better option as they exited for tribal council.

At tribal, Jeff quickly got to work rubbing salt in my wounds about Malcolm’s departure. Sandra seemingly dodged the question to avoid spooking J.T. by bringing up his failure, J.T. tried to play the bumbling fool, Michaela vented her annoyance with J.T. and his arrogance while J.T. said babysitting Michaela was a bore.

Sandra then recounted the cause of the feud, J.T.’s belief that Michaela ate the sugar that he using in the coffee. She then laughed at the absurdity of their fight … WHICH SHE CAUSED.

Side note, if you don’t love Sandra, you’re insane.

Sandra and Michaela quickly got to work pretending that she was on the way out the door, clearly being coached by the Queen. J.T. then got arrogant and said Michaela was a space-filler, not a game changer which upset Aubry she likes and admires Michaela as a person … despite her making camp life painful. That being said, she was confident the vote was clear and Sandra said that he would be safe before heading to vote.

Hinting that he would in fact not be safe, Michaela whipped out her mug and some water and started drinking it like tea as Jiffy Pop tallied the votes where J.T. found himself bye Felicia’ed from the game by the Queen and her subjects … with an idol in his pocket.

It was obnoxious, sure, but Michaela drinking the tea was iconic.

Michaela and Sandra then laughed on his way out the door before Sandra admitted to stealing the sugar and causing the fight. While J.T. missed that little factoid before joining me in Loser Lodge, it bears mentioning.

I’ve known J.T. since just after his victory in Tocantins when I started to cyber-bully him for beating Stephen. While J.T. deserved the win thanks to his superior social game and his ability to get people to lay down for him like puzzles for Debbie, I felt Stephen deserved a few votes … and given his next two games, it shows how vital having a calm mind in Stephen and Taj helps him.

Obviously I didn’t mention any of this while we caught up, I simply pulled myself away from Malcolm long enough whip him up a comforting Long Island J.T.

 

 

After being responsible for your own demise for the second time, you really need a stiff drink and there is none stiffer than a Long Island Iced Tea.

What more can I say, if you love booze, you’ll love this – enjoy!

 

 

Long Island J.T.
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
½ shot vodka
½ shot gin
½ shot white rum
½ shot white tequila
dash of triple sec
dash of freshly squeezed lemon juice
cola, to taste
lemon wedge, to garnish
ice cubes

Method
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add everything but the cola.

Shake like a polaroid picture.

Pour into a glass.

Top up with cola and add a lemon wedge.

Down and repeat … responsibly, of course.

 

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Stephen Grilled Fishbach

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Ahhhh, Stephen. This year’s recipient of the humiliating, bumbling trombone-backed fool edit.

I have to admit, I was almost pleased to witness Stephen’s futile attempts at twig snapping, abysmal slingshotting and generally failing at everything around camp. This is because there is a rivalry that runs deep between us. You see, I had set up a complex pyramid scheme designed to grift Tocantins victor JT Thomas out of his million dollar prize. Again proving that he was the brains behind JT’s win, Fish saw right through my scam and stopped JT from investing in my 1800-PROBSTY telephone sex line.

In Second Chances, Stephen found himself a more glorious version of JT to lust after- he went full-on Single White Female and got a little bit lost in Joe’s beauty. Despite this, his strategy of taking out one of the major threats was sound. Perhaps if he’d spent less time being simultaneously painfully awkward and sexually aggressive (is that even possible?) he could have come through with the goods one way or another.

Well, that is if he didn’t get a violent case of the trots.

Fish, why do you keep trying to take what is rightfully ours?

Ben actually caused Fishy’s ‘gastro-intestinal distress’ by slipping a large quantity of laxatives into his water canteen. Yes, we were responsible for the glorious shit fountain and the ensuing ocean deuce. Hands off our man Fish – we don’t mess around when it comes to dreamy mcmansome Joe!

After Stephen’s explosive diarrhoea and not-so-covert aquadump was caught on camera by a helipoopter helicopter, we thought he might want a meal slightly more gentle on that fraught tum-tum of his.

 

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The Stephen Grilled Fishbach is healthy and light without being bland. Served with coleslaw, this fibre-packed meal is guaranteed to cork up even the most ghastly case of brown thunder down under.

 

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Stephen Grilled Fishbach
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 x 150-200g reef fish fillets, scales and bones removed
4 tablespoons plain flour
2 lemons, cut into wedges
Salt and Pepper

Slaw
½ head red cabbage
½ head white cabbage
2 carrots
½ bunch celery
2 granny smith apples
1 small red onion
½ cup greek yoghurt
4 tablespoons whole egg mayonnaise
2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar

Method
Shred carrots, cabbages, apples and onion. Finely chop celery. Combine in a large bowl.

Whisk together mayonnaise, yoghurt and cider vinegar and mix through slaw mix. Refrigerate 1-2 hours for best flavour.

When ready to serve, season the flour with salt and pepper and dredge fish. In a hot oiled pan, grill fish fillets, in batches, until cooked through. Serve with lemon wedges and slaw.