Author: Benjamin Woodley Judd

Mulled Sandra Diaz-Twine

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Drink

Say what you will about her game play, but Sandra Diaz-Twine is hands down the greatest person to ever play the game of Survivor. Even without her perfect record, her ability to eavedrop on conversations in bushes, buddy up with other snarky/sassy contestants and her glee at burning her nemesis hat in the fire, make her the kind of TV gold that is under appreciated.

We first met Sandra while working at Outback Steakhouse between our time in New York and LA. Sandra was a regular customer with her family and overtime we developed a bond over our abilities to stalk and our general dislike for the population.

After a suspicious absence of two months, Sandra returned to our restaurant gaunt and riddled in bug bites and we knew she was about to be the greatest thing to happen to broadcast television.

Then she had to get a restraining order against us after we became obsessed with her.

We reconnected following her return from Heroes vs Villains, where a reward of Outback Steakhouse reminded her of the good times we had shared.

She dropped by last night for a bottle (or two) of Mulled Sandra Diaz-Twine, a drink Annelie and I had whilst standing in the snow looking through her windows watching her sleep.

 

Mulled Sandra Diaz-TWine 1

 

The warming spices are like one of Russell Hantz’s hats going up in flames, with the orange providing the Sandy zing. Needless to say, it is festive as fuck.

Enjoy!

 

Mulled Sandra Diaz-TWine2

 

Mulled Sandra Diaz-Twine
Serves: Well this makes 1 pitcher worth, no judgement on how many join in.

Ingredients
1 bottle of red wine
1 cinnamon stick
5 cardamon pods, cracked open
1 orange, sliced
A pinch of grated nutmeg
1/4 cup muscovado sugar
1/4 cup brandy

Method
Put all ingredients in a large pot over low heat and steep (mull, even) for thirty minutes.

That is it.

You could mix up the combination of spices in your wine however my advice would be to start basic and experiment with the flavours once you have figured out your taste. I always think cranberry, ginger and vanilla would be good additions….but trying that as your start may turn you off this glorious, festive nectar for good. You know?

Monica Culpepper Cookies

12 Days of Survivor Christmas

Monnie is another castaway we knew before her appearances on One World and Blood vs. Water. You see, Brad used to play football with Annelie and as we were running a scam that required her to have a WAG, I became her wife Lara Vandenboobin.

While Brad and Annelie came firm friends on the field, Monnie and I became firm friends and then staunch enemies…and then friends again on the sideline.

Due to our oft-tumultuous relationship (we last fell out after I sold stories about her to People magazine during One World. We are friends now though), we mutually decided afternoon tea with spiced Monica Culpepper Cookies was the perfect way to celebrate Christmas together.

 

Monica Culpepper Cookies 1

 

The cookies (another Nigella variation) turned out perfectly, with a hint of heat and spices without being overpowering like a Gingerbread. I sometimes find that the dough can be a bit wet, so just add a bit more flour until it is at your desired consistency.

Enjoy, we did! Better yet, we didn’t even get into a fight or end up covered in third-degree burns from thrown coffee.

 

Monica Culpepper Cookies 2

 

Monica Culpepper Cookies
Makes roughly 24

Ingredients
300g plain flour (plus more for dusting)
pinch of salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
¼ tsp ground cloves
2 tsp freshly ground  black pepper
100g soft  butter
100g muscovado sugar
2 large eggs (beaten)
4 tbsp maple syrup
Royal Icing, lollies, edible glitter and anything else you would want to make them festive as fuck

Method
Line 2 baking sheets with baking paper and preheat the oven to 170C.

Combine the flour, salt, baking powder, cinnamon, cloves and pepper in a large bowl.

Cream the the butter and sugar in an electric mixer with paddle attachment, then slowly add the beaten eggs and maple syrup in three parts alternating with the dry ingredients, and mix until combined.

Form 2 fat discs and put one wrapped in cling-wrap in the fridge while you get started on the other.

Dust a work surface with flour, roll out the disc (also floured), to about 5mm and cut out cookies with the cutters of your choice.

Re-roll and cut out some more, setting aside the residue from this first disc and cover, while you get on with rolling out the second. When you’ve got both sets of leftover clumps of dough, roll out and cut out again, and keep doing so till all the dough’s used up.

When you can no longer be bothered, roll the dough into a ball and flatten on the tray.

Arrange the pastry shapes on the lined baking sheets and cook for about 20 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack and leave to cool.

Ice the cold decorations with reckless abandon until they are jacked-up on sugar and festive.

Sugar Kiper Cookies

12 Days of Survivor Christmas

Our first festive friend to visit was Survivor: Gabon and Heroes vs. Villains alum, Sugar Kiper.

We first connected with Sugar during her time playing Rory’s foil/Jess’s girlfriend on one of the greatest show of all time, Gilmore Girls.

Annelie and I were working as gophers on the set, whilst trying to break into the writing staff with our glorious missing triplets storyline (Lorelai had actually given birth to triplets and gave two up for adoption, who would have been played to perfection by Annelie and I, and forgot we existed following a bout of medically inaccurate postpartum amnesia).

While Ames and Loz both passed on the idea (apparently it was too soapy and our auditions too hammy), Sugar was a big fan and we became fast friends and have stuck together during her stints on Survivor, our stints in jail and our joint stint appearing on season five of Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew.

Sugar was briefly in town on a secret mission (hopefully auditioning us for Survivor: Blood vs. Water 3, Annelie and Ben destroy each other), but was able to stop by for an afternoon of baking Sugar Kiper Cookies and sharing coffees.

 

Sugar Kiper Cookies 1

 

Fresh out of the oven, the slightly tinkered with Martha Stewart cookies were a festive delight. That was until someone (*cough* Annelie) suggested we snort the Royal Icing and the neighbours called the police for disorderly behaviour.

It wouldn’t be Christmas without a noise complaint, I guess. Enjoy!

 

Sugar Kiper Cookies 2

 

Sugar Kiper Cookies
Makes 20-30 cookies, cutter dependent

Ingredients
2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for rolling
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
115 grams unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup raw caster sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Royal Icing, lollies, edible glitter and anything else you would want to make them festive as fuck

Directions
In large bowl, whisk flour, baking powder, cinnamon and salt. With an electric mixer, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in egg and vanilla. With mixer on low, gradually add flour mixture and beat until combined. Divide dough in half; flatten into disks. Wrap each in plastic and freeze until firm (about 20 minutes).

Preheat oven to 160 degrees. Line baking sheets with baking paper. Remove one dough disk to stand for 5-10 minutes. Roll out 1/2 centimetre thick, dusting dough with flour as needed. Cut shapes with cookie cutters. Using a spatula, transfer to prepared baking sheets. Re-roll scraps, cut shapes. Repeat with remaining dough.

Bake, rotating halfway through, until edges are golden, 10-15 minutes (depending on size). Cool completely on wire racks. Decorate as desired.

12 Days of Survivor Christmas

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

We make no secret about our love for Survivor/Jeff Probst and wish that the world would embrace Buffs as appropriate attire for all occasions, so that we can rock out our Villains Buffs to formal events.

Anyway, in our attempts to bed Probst and get on the show (in whichever order) we have ingratiated ourselves heavily in the Survivor community. Some castaways, like Penner and Sugar, we have known for sometime but others we have met by breaking into their homes and watching them sleep/tickling their feet (sorry Aras, thanks for not pressing charges).

Against all odds, or maybe because they are slightly-scared, we have become best friends with a large section of the castaway community and as such, like to spend our Christmases catching-up with them.

In honour of our intimate relationships, we decided to dedicate the blog to the Twelve Days of Survivor Christmas…as you know, we’ll be catching-up with them anyway.

What says deck our halls with your boughs of holly, Probsty?

Picture source: Today.com

Stephen Fried Chicken

Main

It is hard to maintain friendships with people that were a) deported to the other side of the planet and b) can be skittish at the best of times. That is unless you are Stephen Fry.

In our years of criminal exile back to our less glamourous lives in Australia, Stephie has always made sure he was checking in on us and making sure we knew that he is always there for us. It isn’t overstating it to say that Stephen Fry is a saint.

He is also a terrible liar.

He dropped by for lunch and gushed about how beautiful Brisbane was at this time of year. For such a great actor, I’m not sure why he struggles with lying? To celebrate the heat of summer and the wild storms we have been experiencing recently, we made our famous Stephen Fried Chicken to eat while we caught up.

 

Stephen Fried Chicken

 

The buttermilk marinade ensures that the chicken stays tender, while the polenta ensures that the crumb creates a fake skin that is crunchy and delicious. Oh, and the spice mix is like a dry version of Buffalo Chicken with the perfect balance of heat and sweet.

Serve with mash or fries or as a snack with blue cheese sauce or natural yoghurt…or better yet, with a generous helping of Benjamin Slaw.

Enjoy!

 

Stephen Fried Chicken

 

Stephen Fried Chicken
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 free range, skinless chicken breasts
vegetable oil for deep frying

Buttermilk Marinade
200ml buttermilk
10ml tabasco
15ml maple syrup
5g salt

Chicken Seasoning
15g smoked paprika
15g sweet paprika
10g celery seed
10g cayenne powder
10g table salt
5g ground cinnamon
5g ground white pepper
5g ground black pepper

Seasoned Flour
225g plain flour
25g polenta/corn meal
50g chicken seasoning

Method
Slice chicken in to large “tenders” as desired.

Combine all ingredients in buttermilk marinade and stir to dissolve salt. Pour over chicken. Gently massage to cover all surfaces of chicken.

Cover and leave in fridge for 12-24 hours…aka a decent enough time for the buttermilk to tenderise the meat.

Remove the chicken from the fridge and leave covered for 30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 160 degrees celsius and vegetable oil in a deep pot on the stove.

Combine flour, polenta and chicken seasoning in a large flat baking tray. Place the chicken pieces into flour. Coat well and cover all surfaces with the flour. Gently shake the excess flour off the chicken, careful not to lose the crust (this will become the healthier fake skin).

Carefully place the chicken in the oil a few pieces at a time, taking care not to splash the burning hot oil. Cook for 8-10 minutes, or until the “skin” has formed and is a deep golden brown. Remove from hot oil with a perforated spoon or ladle. Place onto a roasting rack in a baking dish and place into the pre heated oven.

Repeat the frying steps with the chicken until all cooked.

Remove the chicken from the oven and season liberally with the remaining chicken seasoning.

A Wilde week ahead

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I think we are at the point where we need to stop being shocked that our celebrity friends want to catch-up with us; this is now a thing and you will get to hear about our fantastic, high-flying lives as celebrity-bloggers/famous friends/founders of esteemed dance troupe Jazz in Your Face.

Stephen gave us a buzz over the weekend hoping to catch-up while on a quick winter jaunt down to the stifling heat of Brisbane to see if it was as ugly as Alain de Botton said (it kind of is, but he can decide for himself) and reconnect with his old friends.

Annelie and I have known Stephen for many years, after getting a job hanging clothes in the QI wardrobe department after we were run out of Hollywood for our varied crimes and misdemeanours. After sabotaging the QI stylist, we were promoted to the role and became confidantes to Stephen however we lost contact after our deportation following arrests for storming the set of Harry Potter and demanding roles.

What says sorry that you got stuck with a sub-par stylist on QI when we disappeared without a trace following our clandestine deportation?

Picture source: Stephen Fry.com.

Benjamin Slaw

Side

It is always great to catch up with Ben and even better to watch the awkward way in which non-published Ben fawns all over him. Thankfully Law is well natured enough to ignore it. Maybe he is just grateful Ben isn’t demanding to sit on his knee like when Luke visits?

Ben was in town visiting family but dropped by for a catch-up, that in retrospect I think may have actually been a welfare check. Since moving to Sydney, we haven’t seen as much of Ben with our resurgent fame keeping us busy and Ben, you know, having work to do on account of having actual talent.

To keep him on schedule for his obligations, we threw together a Benjamin Slaw as we quickly discussed our upcoming stint on Home & Away (his childhood dream), whether Germaine Greer has forgiven our feud (don’t ask and no she hasn’t) and his upcoming book (we aren’t allowed to discuss, but it will be glorious).

 

Benjamin Slaw 1

 

There is no improving on perfection, so we gracefully bowed down to the Goddess Nigella and used her New Orleans Coleslaw for the Benjamin Slaw. Ben obviously lied to Ben and told him that he had invented the recipe…but don’t tell him.

Enjoy, he did…even with the side of lies!

 

Benjamin Slaw 2

 

Benjamin Slaw (aka Nigella’s New Orleans Coleslaw)
Serves 6

Ingredients
1 white cabbage, about 1kg before trimming
2 carrots
2 sticks celery
4 spring onions
200 grams mayonnaise
4 tablespoons buttermilk
2 tablespoons maple syrup
2 teaspoons cider vinegar
100 grams pecan nuts, finely chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Trim and shred the cabbage, either by hand or with a food processor.

Peel and grate the carrots, and finely slice the celery and spring onions.

Whisk together the mayonnaise, buttermilk, maple syrup and vinegar and coat the shredded vegetables with this dressing.

Season, and toss through the chopped nuts.

All Our Friends Are Coming to Brisbane

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

For two antisocial people, our phones sure do seem to ring off the hook!

Benjamin Law gave us a call over the weekend to drop by for lunch while he is in town seeing family…or something. We are both antisocial and have terrible attention spans.

Ben and I first met Benjamin (who for the sake of confusion we will refer to as Ben) at different times, but because of the same series of events. You see, Ben sees Ben as a literary hero and developed the belief that by laying his head where Ben lays his head, he would absorb some greatness.

Ben came home from work one day to find Ben in his bed, madly rubbing his head into his pillow chanting “make me write goooo-ooood” like he was our close friend Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball.

(Side note: It didn’t work, clearly).

Ben being kind, generous and filled with pity called the first unlucky person in Ben’s phone (me), instead of alerting the police.

What says thanks for not alerting the police to our criminal attempts to absorb your greatness and politely returning all of our calls when Ben wanted to “catch-up” until he (evidently) Stockholm syndrome-d you into friendship?

Picture source: @mrbenjaminlaw/Twitter.

Halle Blueberry Waffles

Breakfast, Dessert

Some people are very, very forgiving.

Very forgiving.

I mean, you can’t blame the teens who threw themselves in front of your car between stints in rehab and their various arrests (fun fact, we also inspired the actual bling ring kids) but to befriend the people who caused you so much trauma, stress and a PR nightmare takes a special kind of person.

Halle dropped over for breakfast yesterday; we think she may be scared to be around us at any event that could involve alcohol, which is fair enough but realistically when is alcohol not involved? Little did she know, we had accidentally spiked the batch of Halle Blueberry Waffles when we got into a fight and knocked over the last glass of our breakfast wine.

 

Halle BlueBerry Waffles 1

 

Over brunch, we caught up on how much our lives had changed for the better since we first connected, the Oscars (she feels snubbed for not getting a nom for Catwoman) and her idea for a potential reboot of The Flintstones, set in the future (that we kindly pretended was great and not at all like The Jetsons).

Thankfully the fresh, fluffy waffles went down better than her ideas with the exploding jewels of blueberry adding some fun to the occasion. We served them with some whipped cream, cinnamon and maple syrup, however they would work just as well with some butter and maple.

Enjoy!

 

Halle BlueBerry Waffles 2

 

Halle Blueberry Waffles
Serves 4-6, greed dependant

Ingredients
2 ¼ cups spelt flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
¼  teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 cup milk
¾  cup soda water
¼  cup oil
1 cup blueberries
butter, for greasing
cream, butter, cinnamon and/or maple syrup to serve

Method
Preheat your waffle iron.

Combine all dry ingredients in a large bowl, then whisk in all wet ingredients until smooth. Fold through blueberries.

Melt butter into waffle iron to grease. Scoop the batter into the waffle iron and close. Cook for 2-5 minutes, then repeat.

Out of the storm

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Halle Berry gave us a call on the weekend, reminded of the time we jumped in front of her car and caused an accident, by our catch-up with Lisa. (Yes, Halle was the unnamed actress we were planning to scam).

After our stint in rehab (following our arrests and the attempted scam on Halle) and at the encouragement of our LA based mother-figures Lisa and Zsas, we connected with Halle as part of the making amends step of our program and we charmed the pants off her.

Figuratively, not literally.

What says, we tried to scam you out of your pre-Oscar millions and forced your car into the path of another car which led to you being fined for fleeing the scene of a crime and that we are thankful you forgave and befriended us?

Picture source: Jason Merritt/Getty Images.