We want it that way

Backstreet's back give thanks!, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Annelie and I spent last Thanksgiving apart while she competed with Nigella (disguised as a turkey) in the Presidential Turkey Pardoning Ceremony while I was snowed-in up north in the Berkshires with food poisoning from a par-cooked turkey burger in not-so-Great Barrington with no power or flowing water.

After our cold, sad thanksgivings (Nigella was disqualified after her faux-turkey neck fell off), we vowed to bounce back and make 2015, the best Thanksgiving ever – enter our dear friends and part-time lovers, Backstreet Boys.

While we haven’t spoken about it publicly, we both had torrid affairs with all of the Backstreet Boys during the 90s (they called me their back-door boy, so sweet) and have remained close ever since.

So everybody, everywhere. Don’t be afraid, don’t have no fear … we will be making up for our broken Thanksgivings.

Everybody (yeah), rock your body (yeah), everybody, rock your body right!

Backstreet’s back, give thanks!

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Harissa Oleynik

Condiment, Sauce

If there is one person that epitomised the nineties (excluding our friends in West Beverly, obviously) and my brief self-perceived heterosexuality, it is our close friend Larisa Oleynik.

Larisa, the queen of hats and turning herself in to puddles of goop, was the biggest star of the nineties for the after school TV set with her blistering portrayal of Alex Mack and her struggles to rebuild her life after a crippling accident where she was doused by a secret chemical.

Annelie and I were hired by Nickelodeon as scientific advisors on the show and quickly bonded with Larisa as, let’s be honest, no one else on set could match our beautiful, beautiful minds.

Believing myself to be straight, I quickly tried to woo Larisa by getting her a part in our film The Baby-Sitters Club (Annelie and I wrote the script … as well as the book series it was based on) during a break between our seasons – she noticed my searing chemistry with Austin O’Brien, whom we had met on the set of My Girl 2, and helped me come to terms with my penchant for peen.

This in turn led to her casting in 10 Things I Hate About You where I enlisted her help in wooing Andrew Keegan – we were part of Allison Janney’s entourage, after her casting in a role that we campaigned our dear friend Heath to get included, which was based on us.

We have hung out with Larisa in a while, she reached out upon hearing we were trying to scam Andrew Keegan and wanted in on our revenge plot and to have a documented catch-up.

While I discovered Larisa couldn’t light my fire back in the nineties, the Harissa Oleynik that we used to put on everything we ate sure could!

 

Harissa Oleynik_1

 

The North African chilli paste is versatile (like … nevermind, I don’t Keegs and tell); adding a kick to a tajine or *gasp* soup (you know we love heat here), or even just mixed with some natural yoghurt to garnish kofte.

See, versatile. Enjoy!

 

Harissa Oleynik_2

 

Harissa Oleynik
Makes: ½ a cup (ish)

Ingredients
10 large red chillies
3 garlic cloves, peeled
½ lemon, juiced
1 tbsp red wine vinegar
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp salt

Method
Halve the chillies, discarding the seeds from half and discard.

Place all the ingredients in a small food processor and blitz until a smooth paste forms.

Alternately you can use a mortar and pestle and pound it, hard, until a paste forms … but who can be bothered unless they are working through some anger or trying to woo someone using a naked chef seduction technique.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Dulce de Nick Lachey

Condiment, Dip, Sauce, Sweets

Remember in 2003 when Annelie and I took the world by storm as co-stars in the critically acclaimed reality series Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica?

Oh that’s right, we were edited out by the vengeful and aggressive Jessica Simpson for feeding her some of her most iconic lines to make her look stupid and undermine the legitimacy of the marriage (she actually has a PHD from Oxford and Annelie was trying to annul their marriage to get Nick all to herself, girl loves a boyband and the other Nick escaped from her basement).

While we have been embroiled in a private war with Jessica for the last decade (it has escalated to the point where she threw acid at Ben when they bumped into each other at Pump last year), our friendship with Nick and his dear, beautiful and superior second wife Vanessa couldn’t be stronger.

Nicky and Vanny were in town hoping to brainstorm ideas for a new reality format about finding the next 98 degrees, titled 39°C: So hot you’ve got a fever. It is essentially like every other reality show except it has likeable people with questionable talent.

We were so excited about our brilliant idea /  next venture, that I quickly whipped up a batch of our Dulce de Nick Lachey, which you just know was invented as a body caramel.

 

Dulce de Nick Lachey_1

 

This is literally the easiest thing in the world to make and instantly makes everything in your life better.

Enjoy!

 

Dulce de Nick Lachey_2

 

Dulce de Nick Lachey
Makes: 2 cups.

Ingredients
2 x 395g cans sweetened condensed milk

Method
Preheat oven to 220°C.

Place the condensed milk in a small baking dish and cover with a sheet of baking paper, pressing it directly on top of the condensed milk. Cover tightly with foil and place inside a large, deep baking tray so you can make a water bath. Fill the larger tray with boiling water, two-thirds up the side of the dish.

Cook for 1 ½  hours or until gold in colour. Pour the caramel into a large bowl and whisk until smooth.

Make sure you keep an eye on the water while it is cooking. If it dries out the caramel will burn and then, obviously, be ruined.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Andrew Turkeegan Leg

Carnival Week, Party Food

I’m ashamed to say Andrew Keegan is one of the few in hollywood that has managed to pull the wool over our eyes. Keegs contacted us while his fleeting career was spiralling into deeper irrelevance with an idea – we should join him and start a cult spiritual movement dedicated to Danny Tanner – Full Circle.

Andrew lured us in with a crimp and the next thing we know we had been given new identities – Uncle Jesse and Michelle Tanner, and became the guardians of the revered Full Circle parrot, Krishna.

Despite there being nothing Full House about this spiritual movement, we saw an opportunity to make some sly cash on the side. As a result of our entrepreneurial endeavours, were recently involved in Andrew’s legal troubles – Ben was technically in double-trouble (but not in an Olsen twins kind of way). Not only was he illegally importing SCOBY from Australia and selling it on to Full Circle, he was also representing Keegan in the media when it turned out his kombucha was more hooch than health tonic.

Obviously, our total ignorance of kombucha’s alcoholic potential (and total addiction to it) forced us back into rehab – but that is a story for another time.

Now that we are out, it is time to catch up with Keegs and do some duping of our own. While we can’t lure him in with a crimp, we can lure him in with delicious, delicious bacon and turkey.

turkeengan 2

The Turkeegan* leg embodies the free-spirited world of Full Circle. Designed to be eaten on the run (from the cops or otherwise) it is the ideal comfort/carnie food to soothe Keeg’s soul.

*May or may not be impostor poultry. Suckaaaaaa Keegs!

turkEEGAN 3

Andrew Turkeegan Leg
Serves: 4

Ingredients
4 turkey legs (or chicken, we won’t tell)
8-12 slices streaky bacon
1 cup hot sauce
4 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
Rice bran oil to fry

Method
Mix hot sauce, brown sugar and vinegar together. Coat the turkey legs and allow to marinate for at least three hours.

Preheat oven to 180 degrees celsius. Remove turkey legs from marinade. Wrap each turkey leg in 2-3 slices of streaky bacon, securing with toothpicks as you go.

Heat some rice bran oil in a hot pan. Thoroughly brown each turkey leg and place on a lined baking tray. Bake in hot oven for 30-45 minutes or until turkey leg is cooked through.

We are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Mini Beaf Arthur & Mushroom Pies

Main, Party Food, Snack

Time travel is a many splendored thing, despite what The Butterfly Effect would have you believe. I mean, it isn’t all hover boards and future lotto numbers (although that reminds me…), but getting to spend time with dearly departed friends and experiencing major historical events (we were on the Titanic and accidentally caused the Captain to hit the iceberg) and even experienced Jurassic World when the world was in the actual Jurassic period.

It is fucking ace.

Thankfully we didn’t venture quite so far back this time (we weren’t wanting to be present for Stockard Channing’s birth or anything), dropping in to the late 80s to the set of The Golden Girls to discuss the importance of our placement on Bea Arthur’s will.

We have been dropping in on The Golden Girls for the best part of a decade now to experience the joys of the show first hand … and to try and earn Guest-Star Emmy’s by recasting ourselves into the episodes (it is actually Ben playing the Elvis impersonator played by Quentin Tarantino).

While at first dear Bea wasn’t thrilled to hear our visit had an ulterior motive, when we laid out our plans for the museum she was moved to tears by our love, adoration and the promise to ban Betty White (we love you Bets, but you know we need this museum to work for our grand plans to take off…).

Oh and obviously the Mini Beaf Arthur and Mushroom Pies didn’t hurt the deal!

 

Mini Beaf Arthur & Mushroom Pies_1

 

There is nothing better than a dirty street pie, except of course a dirty home-made pie. By no stretch of the imagination is this meal dignified, but to me a good pie will never be dignified; chunks of veggies and meat bathed in rich gravy with a nice whack of pepper … to the extent that when I make this it is practically a pepper steak pie.

Obviously drown in tommy sauce for final, glorious impact!

Enjoy!

Also guys, as we are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Friendster, FriendFace, Myspace and YouFace coming soon.

 

Mini Beaf Arthur & Mushroom Pies_2

 

Mini Beaf Arthur & Mushroom Pies
Makes: 18.

Ingredients
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 brown onion, halved, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, crushed
500g lean beef mince
large handful mushrooms, sliced
1 carrot, peeled, coarsely grated
1 stalk of celery, coarsely grated
1 cup beef stock
1 tablespoon flour
1 tablespoon tomato paste
2 sheets shortcrust pastry, just thawed
2 sheets ready-rolled puff pastry, just thawed
salt and pepper, to taste
1 egg, lightly whisked

Method
Heat oil in a medium frying pan over medium heat. Add onion and garlic and cook, stirring, for 2 minutes or until onion softens. Add the mince and cook, stirring / breaking up any lumps with a spoon, for 5 minutes or until browned. Add the carrot, celery and mushrooms and stir until well combined.

Add flour and tomato paste to mince mixture and cook, stirring, for a minute. Pour in beef stock and cook, again stirring, until sauce thickens slightly. Remove from heat. Cover and set aside for 30 minutes to cool.

Preheat oven to 180°C. Cut the shortcrust pastry sheets into 18 even squares. Line eighteen muffin pans with the shortcrust pastry squares. Spoon mince mixture among pastry cases.

Cut puff pastry sheets into 18 even squares. Top each pie with a pastry square, scrunching any excess around the edge for decoration. Brush tops with egg.

Bake in oven for 20 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from oven and set aside in the pans for 5 minutes to cool. Serve pies with tommy sauce.

Style, flair and finally (t)here

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

You all know that we spent some time working with the flashy girl who worked in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens (where my feud with Shaughnessy commenced), but we never got into the details of our close, unshakeable bond with Benjamin “Brighton the Titan” Salisbury.

We first connected as a threesome (an albeit G rated one) when we joined Shaughnessy feud forces and founded The Nanny’s AB not C club, where anyone with a name starting with C was banned. While most people felt it was inappropriate and bullying, it kept us away from Charles and we didn’t care.

Ben is in town for the club’s AGM, where we spend the day drinking and bitching mercilessly about Chuck the fuck, so we decided to make a week of it and celebrate the 22 years of our friendship.

What says we may have been united by mutual loathing but your friendship over the last two decades has meant the world to us?

Shit, when did we get so sentimental? Mutual rage really bonds, I guess.

Picture source: Unknown.

Candace Cameron Bure-ito Bowl

Main

I am thankful that Candace decided to be the bigger person and get in touch to end our eleven year feud. While we have many differing viewpoints now (and neither side will take blame for the ruining the Kids Choice Award venue), our Friday dates were our personal highlight of the 90s (before we got in with the BH Crew).

It started out pretty awkward, with us politely chatting about what we have been up to in the last decade; her recent stint on Dancing with the Stars, our return to the A-list simply through documenting our celebrity catch-ups. Thankfully by the end, we were friends again and are (spoiler alert) looking forward to working together on the Full House reboot.

In the effort of bringing us back together via food (which thankfully was a success), we thought something warm, spicy and casual (capturing the essence of our old catch-ups), was best. This obviously meant three big old serves of our famous Candace Cameron Bure-ito Bowl.

 

Candace Cameron Bure-ito Bowl_1

 

The original recipe we based this on was light on the spice and as our motto is “make food so hot it burns its way out and liquefies your organs” we upped the spice levels, so adjust according to your own tastes.

Then enjoy, obviously.

 

Candace Cameron Bure-ito Bowl_2

 

Candace Cameron Bure-ito Bowl
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
3 tbsp of olive oil
1 small onion, diced
1 cup of uncooked long grain rice
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can of black beans, drained and rinsed
½ green capsicum, diced
1 tsp of cumin
½ tsp of chilli powder
¼ tsp smoked paprika
¼ tsp ground coriander seeds
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
pinch ground cinnamon
½ tsp of garlic powder
2 ½ cups salt-reduced chicken stock
2 cups grated cheddar cheese
salt and pepper
freshly diced tomatoes
diced spring onions
sour cream
guacamole

Method
Sauté onions in 2 tablespoon of olive oil until they start to soften.

Add chicken to pan and cook over medium high heat until chicken has started to brown. Season with salt and pepper.

Move chicken to one side of pan, in the other side of the pan add an additional tablespoon of olive oil and sauté uncooked rice for about 2 minutes or just until some grains start to turn golden brown.

Stir in black beans, canned tomatoes, chicken stock, spices and capsicum and bring to a simmer.

Cover, reduce heat to low and cook about 20 minutes or until rice is tender.

Season with additional salt and pepper as needed.

Sprinkle with cheese, recover and let set for 2-3 minutes off heat to melt cheese. Serve with fresh tomatoes, green onions, sour cream and guacamole.

Whatever happened to predictability?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Every Friday night during the 90s, our friend-date / Full House episode parties with Candace Cameron-Bure were so legendary that they were considering an edit to the start of the theme song.

We first met Candace Cameron-Bure while Annelie was working as a stand-in / body-double to the Olsen Twins on Full House and I was down the road acting as Mara Wilson’s PA (still the greatest job I have ever had) on the set of Mrs. Doubtfire.

Sadly we have been in a feud after an incident involving Melissa Joan Hart and Anna Chlumsky at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards in 1994 where, obviously, the police were called, buildings destroyed, charges pressed and our friendship destroyed.

After twenty-one years, Cameron-Bure reached out hoping to make amends and we felt it was time to, as Adele Dazeem said, let it go.

I hope my love of show tunes and peen doesn’t offend her like it does Kirk? This could be interesting.

Picture source: Fanpop.com

Lil’ San Choy Bow Wow

Main

Our decision to rank the importance of this year’s celebrity catch-ups was (another) stroke of genius! Bow Wow (he will never be Shad to us, his closest friends), as always, was charming, funny and a straight up pleasure to be around.

Fresh from hanging with my (unwitting) ex JVDB and Annelie’s frenemey, Academy-Award nominee (and spoiler alert, soon to be winner) Patricia Arquette on the set of CSI: Something-not-starring-Caruso, Lil’ was able to fill us in on all the haps of the awards season and tinseltown.

Sadly, he couldn’t confirm whether JVDB talks about me. I assume he does though?

We also got to work on project Bring down Lipdicki 2015 over a celebratory lettuce-cup of Lil’ San Choy Bow-Wow.

 

Lil San Choy Bow Wow 1

 

 The heat and spice were perfect for the horrific Queensland summer we are experiencing and were able to open our minds to a new, exciting avenue for revenge, faux-kindness.

On that note we’ll probably see Lipnicki soon. In the meantime, enjoy!

 

Lil San Choy Bow Wow 2

 

Lil’ San Choy Bow-Wow
Serves: 4, hunger dependant.

Ingredients
1 iceberg lettuce
1 medium carrot, peeled
4 tbsp vegetable oil
½ red onion, sliced
2 stalks celery, finely diced
Thumb(ish) sized piece of ginger, finely sliced
3 cloves garlic, finely sliced
10 fresh shiitake mushrooms, finely sliced
1 x 230g tin water chestnuts, chopped
500g pork mince
1 tbsp palm sugar (raw would do in a pinch)
2 tbsp soy
3 tbsp oyster sauce
1 tsp sesame oil
3 tbsp Shao Hsing rice wine (dry sherry works in a pinch)
6 spring onions, finely sliced on the angle
2 large red chillies, cut on the angle
1 bunch coriander, leaves picked
½ cup crushed peanuts
sriracha hot sauce or hoisin, to serve

Method
Trim the lettuce to create cups and soak the lettuce cups in cold water in the fridge to ensure the leaves are crisp. Grate the carrot and set aside.

Heat wok or pan over a high heat. Add the oil, onion, celery, ginger and garlic and cook for 20 seconds, then add the carrot and mushrooms, cooking for another 10 seconds.

Add the pork mince and fry, breaking it up with a wooden spoon, for approximately 2-3 minutes.

Add the sugar, soy, oyster sauce, sesame oil and rice wine and cook for another 30 seconds, before adding half the spring onions, half the chilli and half the coriander and give it all a good stir. Remove from heat.

Divide the pork mince mixture between the lettuce cups and garnish with the remaining spring onion, chilli, coriander and peanuts.

Devour.

Eggs in PurgaTori Spelling

Breakfast

I’ve never been more heartbroken at an airport than I was last night. Embarrassed sure (who isn’t when they are arrested for drunk and disorderly behaviour after spotting a colonial woman on the wings?), but never heartbroken.

As soon as Torz locked eyes on us, she started to break down in tears and ran to us for the supportive hug that she knew would be waiting.

We stayed up most of the night talking through all that she has been going through (and wondering if her mother will ever give her, and us, a share in the wrapping room). It has been a tough time, but Tori is tough (she is the only one who could beat Shannen Doherty in an arm-wrestle) and we know she will be ok.

When she woke up this morning to a warm bowl of Eggs in Purgatori Spelling, she was in hysterics due to the symbolic nature of our meal and knowing that she had her humour back, Annelie and I were able to breathe sighs of relief.

 

Eggs in Purgatori Spelling 1

 

The fiery heat of the tomato base and the spice of the chorizo gave Torz the energy and motivation to pick herself back-up and once again become the strong, powerful, feminist icon that the world knows (the Donna Martin graduates storyline was an allegory for equal pay and women’s rights, included at Tori’s behest).

Tori has her spark back and the delicious eggs were a bonus. Enjoy!

 

Eggs in Purgatori Spelling 2

 

Eggs in Purgatori Spelling
Serves 1

Ingredients
400g can diced tomatoes
1 chorizo, sliced into fat coins
2 shallots, thinly sliced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 teaspoon dried chilli flakes (or more if you prefer)
2 eggs
olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Place a lug of oil in a pan (that has a lid) over medium heat, and fry chorizo, shallots and garlic until shallots and garlic are tender. Add chilli flakes and diced tomatoes and bring to the boil.

Reduce heat to simmer and crack eggs into the tomato liquid, place lid on and simmer until eggs are poached to your liking.

Serve with lots of buttery, sourdough toast.